Warnings: suicide

Chapter 9: Lou Ellen Blackstone - Fear

Camp Half Blood. The only place where my common sense and self-preservation are thrown out the window. Strange letter appearing at the foot of my bed with a request interview in the middle of the forest? Hm, maybe I should go check it out. Strange, creepy, and concealed person beckoning you from the edge of the forest? Sure, why not. Seems harmless enough. A dark, shimmering wall of black nothingness where the creepy person once was? Yeah, let's follow.

[When I entered the shadow, I was encased in a sphere of black nothingness. The forest disappeared and I was left with the creepy person standing a few feet away. I came closer. I had thought there was a cloak concealing the person but the closer I looked, it appeared to be more of a hazy, gray shadow that flickers between sharpness and blurriness every few seconds. The shadow raised a hand and it took me a while to recognize it was a wave.]

Hi.

[The voice is skewered. I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl. "What...Why are you like that? Who are you?" I asked.]

It's to keep my identity a secret. Is that okay? I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable talking without it.

[The shadow wrings its hands, bouncing on its heels, in clear distress. "Sure, whatever you want," I said. "But where are we?"]

We're in a magic bubble I made. We're still in Camp Half Blood but no one can see us or hear us. And no one can intrude without my permission.

["Woah, that's so cool! Can you teach me how?"]

Sorry, I can't. It can only be taught to children of He-

I-I mean, it can only be taught to children of a specific god.

Anyway, that isn't what I brought you in here for. I want to talk about the war and I want to start with this before anything else. I never hated the camp. None of us did.

["Okay?"]

Okay? You're not angry? Upset?

["Why would I be angry?"]

Maybe I should be clearer. I am … I was … a traitor. I left camp but came back in the end.

["There's more of you? I thought Chris was the only one."]

Our entry back wasn't as public.

And our situation wasn't the same. We didn't idolize Luke the way Chris did. We followed him because the Gods were...er, how can I say this without being killed? We were treated with more "independency" compared to now.

It wasn't because we didn't have our own cabin. The Hermes Cabin wasn't even that bad to live in... most of the time...if you look past the "having no bed" bit and the "no alone time" part and the constant pranking. Actually, I take it back. Living in that cabin was the worst part of camp but it's still very nice in the sense that you're never lonely.

Did you know back then there was no rule of claiming when you were twelve?

You were claimed only and only if you were favored. Beckendorf, Annabeth, Katie, even Travis and Connor, they all had something special, some big role to play in the future, so they were claimed within a month. But Jake, Malcolm, Miranda weren't. They needed to prove their worth, that they are worthy of holding the title of being a son or a daughter of the gods.

Some of them died trying to prove their worth to their parents.

We are their children. Their flesh and blood.

And they treated us like disposables.

When Luke recruited us, he promised change. That "we'll make the Gods realize we too are their children. We'll make them notice us."

["Did you ever think he was lying?"]

He wasn't. I can tell. I can detect liars.

It was after we recovered Kronos's shroud did the lying begin. It was no longer about us, the demigods. It was all about revenge and those "Greek Gods."

["So, what did you do? Did any of you want to leave?"]

A lot of us wanted to leave. But, well, on one side we have a tyrannical leader, bent on getting revenge on the Gods with no care whatsoever about us. And on the other side, we're surrounded by miles and miles of monsters who can fly, teleport, shadow travel, run, basically outpace us in every way possible. And the only thing holding them back from devouring us was Kronos's constant control over them. With just a single word, he can order the monster to eat us. Not to mention there are those who are entirely devoted to him and wouldn't hesitate to kill if they spot even the beginnings of desertion among us.

["What was it like? Being on the other side?"]

Lots and lots of training. Lots and lots of searching.

[The shadow paused. Although I couldn't see the face, there was a clear moment of hesitation and it leaked into the words.]

And a lot of recruiting.

I was part of the recruitment team. When you look young and innocent, even the most hardened criminal would stop to listen to you. Every day we find dozens of half bloods on the streets. Give them food and shelter, and they'll listen to what you have to say. Go even further and tell them the reason why they're homeless or why their life is the way it is is because of their parents and they'll feel even worse. We were ordered to use that contempt to stroke the hatred of the gods.

They were the most loyal to Kronos. They did everything he asked. They had no problem dying for him.

["You led them to that life."]

I know. I'm sorry.

Even though I was ten at that time, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew and I still did it. I'm sorry.

Eventually, Luke found the labyrinth and I moved from the recruitment team to the "explore the labyrinth" team.

I was among the first to enter the hellhole. There were two others with me, Terry and Mikaela. We used to live together back in Camp Half Blood actually. Mikaela was my bunkmate.

As soon as we entered and took the first corner, we were lost. Kronos didn't give us anything, no string like in the stories, nothing to help guide our way back. It was almost like we were set up for failure. But we followed our orders and wandered back and forth, looking for the entrance to camp.

Mikaela was the first to go. She had stopped to tie her shoelaces but she didn't say anything. So, we kept walking. By the time we noticed, a wall had risen between us. I never knew what happen to her after that. She could have made it out alive. Maybe she found one of those exits, you know. I hope she did.

["What about Terry?" The shadow paused.]

He died.

The labyrinth got to him. It messed with his mind or maybe it reinforced ideas he already had. But after 30 minutes we lost Mikaela, he pulled out a handgun and pressed it under his chin.

Then bang. He was gone.

I tried to stop him. I could have probably saved him. I was right beside him too, but when I reached to pull the gun away, Terry's eyes met mine and I froze. I recognize the look in those eyes. I see it sometimes in myself and my friends. In my pause, he positioned his gun and I watched the lights go out of his eyes.

After that, I turned and ran. I ran till the walls change color and shape. Till the walls became smooth metal then back to rocky caverns then to ancient Greek transcript. I wanted to scream to see if Mikaela was around. I didn't. I was afraid something other than my friend would find me. So, I tried using my powers to find a way out, but it was like the labyrinth was alive. Every pathway I would find, a wall would rise up or cave in to block.

I thought I was going to die in the labyrinth.

But the fates, they don't let you go that easily. I think they treat our lives like soap operas. It needs to have the right amount of drama before they can really be done with it.

A light glowed while I was panting, trying to catch my breath. It lighted up the whole hallway and arrows laid themselves on the floor, pointing towards a direction. I looked to where the light was coming from and can you believe it? It was a symbol. Two torches alit with a red-orange hue, my mother's symbol.

She had just aligned herself with Kronos and I guess she decided to claim me.

I was supposed to feel happiness, pride, but all I felt that day was disgust.

For a second, I thought about not following the arrow. Just turn around and walk the other way. But here I am, standing before you, so you know which choice I picked.

I was never sent back to the labyrinth again, at least not until we found where the shroud and Antaeus was.

It took me a while to figure it out but only children of Hermes, Demeter, and Aphrodite were sent in while we were still in the process of searching.

["Why them?"]

It's awful to say it. I know, but don't you notice, Riley? Whenever you're sparring with one of those three? In most cases than not, they lose against other Olympian gods. Apollo, Athena, Ares, Hephaestus, even Hecate and Nike children can win against them.

I'm not saying they're useless but they're not good in combat. Their powers can't help them win in a fight. They can't contribute to the weapon stock like the children of the forge can nor do they have the strategic capability of Athena's. They're, in the worse sense, useless in a war. Kronos had to get rid of them in a way without directly killing them and sparking a revolution.

["How could you say that?"]

It's the truth as horrible as it might sound. I don't think history should be sugarcoated.

But it's ironic.

Children of Demeter were sent to die for being weak and my whole battalion was wiped out by a child of Demeter.

In the Battle of Manhattan, I was charged with a battalion and was to lead them to the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel. As ordered, we sent the monsters in first. I didn't know what the point of that was. It would have been better to send in the demigods first. To weaken the enemy so the stronger forces could wipe the rest out. Maybe it was Luke influencing Kronos's decision. I don't know and but I do want to know. Maybe Luke was a good person after all.

It didn't matter for my battalion.

She wiped us all out.

There were vines swinging everywhere. Grabbing people by the feet, latching onto arms, pulling people into two. Trees would erupt from under our feet and carry us into the air before decaying in seconds, leaving us suspended 50 feet into the air. Those who don't break their necks, break their legs and left to the vines. Sometimes there would be poison ivy, going up nostrils into mouths, ears, and, oh…. sorry, you probably don't want to know the details.

["How did you make it out?"]

I hid in a dumpster. A tree had sent me flying and I used my powers to land safely in an alley.

["You...didn't help your friends?"]

...

No. I didn't.

I'm sorry. I know I'm an awful person.

[The shadow's voice cracks in an awfully familiar way and judging by the slight hiccups, I knew what was coming. And after my experience with Katie, I learned I do not have a knack for comforting anyone. Like, at all.

So, I changed the subject, "What did you do afterward?" The shadow sniffled, hand brushing along covered face.]

I almost stabbed Travis in the eye.

["You almost what?"]

I almost stabbed my ex-counselor in the eye.

After the screaming had stopped and Demeter cabin left, I got out of the dumpster and wandered the streets of Manhattan. I don't know where I was going, maybe I was hoping to come across one of my comrades. But someone had tapped my shoulder as I was walking. I turned, saw orange, and attacked.

I pulled my switchblade from my pocket and thrust down at the first spot I could reach, the neck. He ducked from my attack and-

[The shadow snorted lightly.]

I remembered he had a tendency to ramble. Even in spars, he's always talking. He used to have a big rule about cursing. Every time I swiped my knife at him, I could hear some weird kind of PG-rated cuss words.

Son of a God, holy sandals and flying shoes, mother Hestia and flaming Ares are the ones I remembered.

He kept telling me to stop attacking and to hear him out. I didn't listen.

His steps are jagged. He must be injured yet he still dodged most of my strikes. It was impressive but there was a reason I wasn't sent back to the labyrinth. I used the mist to blind his vision. He paused in his retreat and I swept my foot over his. He tumbled back, yelling a name I didn't comprehend. I slam a knee into his chest to pin him to the ground. I raised my knife above my head, screamed, yelled, the typical burst you get when you're bringing yourself to do something and brought it down.

But someone tackled me from the side. My knife was ripped from my hands and thrown across the street. I was pinned on my back, both of my hands locked together above me in a vice grip. By reflex, I struggled. My attacker snarled and he tightens his grip on my hands to the point that it hurts. He actually snarled, Riley. I'm not joking. He sounded like an animal for a second. I could feel the hatred rolling off him.

I thought this was the end for me, that I was going to finally die.

I...I was happy in a way. No more Kronos, no more fighting, no more hiding. I closed my eyes and just … I don't know how to describe it, relaxed? Yeah, I relaxed. Just closed my eyes and was about to let fate come to me.

But nothing came except for "Lulu, you dumb idiot. You dumb, dumb, dumb dummy."

Lulu…I hadn't heard that nickname in so long.

There's only one person who calls me that but I still opened my eyes just to make sure. And sure enough, there was Connor, staring down at me with a pair of eyes that says he wants to strangle me.

["How did you know it was Connor?" The shadow scratched the back of its head and chuckled lightly.]

Nicknames. Travis and Connor use different nicknames for me. It's the only way I can tell them apart. I'm Lulu to Connor and Lil' Elly to Travis.

["So, what happened next?"]

They took pity on me and asked if I was still aligned with Kronos.

Connor looked ready to kill me when I didn't answer right away but Travis nudged him with an elbow. I think he mouthed "be nice" because Connor sighed and said in this fake, scarily forced happy voice, "If you say yes, I swear on my flying shoes, I'll tie you up and chain you to our cabin until you come to your senses. So, answer?"

I said, "No."

And that was that.

They led me to an apartment and used their magic powers to unlock the door. And that's where I hid for the rest of the battle. I could hear the booms from Mount Olympus but I had no idea what was going on.

Travis and Connor came back for me in the end. They said they can sneak me back to camp.

["But how? Won't Chiron and Mr. D know?"]

After the war, dozens of new campers were coming in every day. I just pretended to be one of those newbies. They can't keep track of everybody that was ever there or everybody that came in.

I wasn't the only one that came back. Travis and Connor, Chris, and maybe some others had managed to convince some of my friends from the different battalions to put down their weapons and come back to live in camp.

They never got claimed of course. That's why Ju-I mean, that's why some of your cabinmates don't seem to have Hermes's traditional abilities. But I guess the cabin nicknamed the Jack of All Trades should have a variety of traits and powers. So, I suppose it shouldn't be surprising.

["Did you ever think they were mad at never being claimed?"]

I think they expected it. Some had told me they dreamt their parents disowning them before the battle happened. As far as I know, they're fine with being in the Hermes cabin until graduation. I think they're more comfortable over there. Fewer questions from their half-siblings that way.

["But won't you happier if you're with your own cabin? Everybody knows Chris is a traitor but nobody bothers him about it anymore."]

You're wrong. You don't see it, but it's still there. There may not be physical contact but he gets hate mail everyday - telling him to die, to go away, to leave.

The reason it stays hate mail and not anything more is because he has Clarisse.

She'll fight for him and nobody would dare question Clarisse.

But who do we have? Who would help us if they want to kick us out of camp? Every cabin had some kind of traitor in their midst. Silena, Chris, if those cabins were to stick up for us, then the accusations would begin flying. Even cabins like Athena and Hephaestus have people who were close to Luke. It'll make them suspects too. I really like camp. I don't want it to go back to those days of mistrust.

I'm sorry. You don't need to know this. This is my personal problem.

I don't think I can ever make up all my mistakes. I want to. I really do. And I would start to do it too. But whenever I'm on the brink of telling, I get so scared. Cecil, Miranda, all my closest friends are those I had hurt with my actions. What if they don't want me as their friend anymore? What if they want me to leave camp? I don't deserve their friendship. They don't deserve my lies but the thought of them looking at me with hatred in their eyes makes me turn back.

I'm selfish. I'm a horrible friend. I'm the worst demigod to have ever existed.

I tell myself this every day. But no matter how much I berate myself, I can't bring myself to tell them.

I can't get over my fear.

No matter what I do or say, it's always there.

Chapter 10: Worthless

Author's Notes:

Thank you to ImALazyProcastinator for being my very patient beta! (This was a long wait. Lou Ellen was really difficult.)

And thank you to those who reviewed! I appreciate every one of them. They're great motivators because it sparks the guilt from my negligence.

Three chapters left. At this point, it should be obvious who two of these belong to. They're my favorite characters, they're my inspiration for this work, they're the entire reason why I endured and continued writing, and they're the only ones where I don't have an outline done.

Estimated chapter update: 2 months, kinda edging towards 3 months. Summer school is absolutely fun! Which also means it's killing me!