Chapter Ninety Six: Say Goodbye

So I'll speak my truth though my voice shakes
Try to summon the strength to look fear in the face

Katy Perry - Bigger Than Me

It had been three days since Antonio Dawson had been released from the hospital and he still hated every single moment of returning to this place. The medicinal smell of antiseptic was in his nose, generating a faint unease in his stomach as he walked quickly towards Maggie's room, a bunch of vibrant, brightly colored flowers gripped tightly in his left hand. He hadn't been able to do much with his right hand since the operation to repair the tendons in his wrist which was normal according to Doctor Choi, especially with the severity of his injury. He'd fixed a beige hand and wrist splint to Antonio's forearm to stop him from overusing the tendons before they had a chance to heal. He had a long way to go in terms of recovery in that department, in six weeks he would be able to resume light activities and eventually within ten to twelve weeks he'd be able to box again. That was if he kept up with his physiotherapy, which he fully intended to do because already, almost a week of not being able to use his right hand was driving him almost insane.

He didn't want to think about how long it would take for him to return to work. He was signed off on medical for the time being and Voight had told him to focus on getting better and healing, that his spot would still be there when he got back. He knew that they had asked Burgess to fill in for him during that time on a temporary basis. He was glad that his team were operating a full capacity and that Kim had stepped up to shoulder the mantle. It gave him more breathing room for some of the decisions he had to make. Whether he liked it or not the abduction had changed things for him, he wasn't the same person he was before and he was struggling to come to terms with the reality of what happened. Seeing Maggie strung up like a piece of meat and listening to that shrill scream of hers was more than his heart could bear. Sometimes in the darkness, wrapped up in his sheets he could still hear it, clear as day echoing in his ears. He would give anything to turn back time and make a different decision, one that didn't lead to the mess that they were currently living in now but the truth was he couldn't. She had almost died because of him, she would live the rest of her life physically scarred due to the decisions he had made and he had no idea how to live with that. Every time he looked at her, he saw Jack Cooper's cruel smile and gleaming knife as he carved away her flesh an inch at a time. He didn't know if he would ever be able to see past that.

Suddenly the flowers felt redundant, a choice had been made in his head, one that he had spent days skirting around as he struggled with the demons that dogged his every waking thought. Before he knew it he was already standing in the doorway to Maggie's room, she rose her head to greet him, that beautiful smile of hers dying on her lips as she took in the serious expression on his sallow features.

"Maggie..." he trailed off, his brain frantically tumbling over the words as he struggled to string them together. There was so much he wanted to say, too much to explain, it jumbled in his head as he simply stood there at the end of her bed clutching the rainbow bouquet of flowers in his left hand.

There was silence between them as their gazes met. His dark chocolate on her cobalt blue, she knew what he was trying to say, he could see it there in her eyes as she blinked rapidly rapidly to clear her vision. His gaze lowered for the briefest of moments to the thick gauze pad peeking out just over the collar of her hospital gown. It all came rushing back, like a flood of video clips that Antonio couldn't seem to break away from.

He remembered how Jack had traced along that thin scar on her collarbone, the tip of the knife indenting upon the white line before it broke the skin leaving a trail of blood leaking down her pale form. That grunt of agony was piercing his ears once more as he drove the knife in even further and sliced along the curve, extending the existing scar to the center of her chest.

"I can't do this." he whispered, his voice strained as he placed the flowers on the foot of her bed. "I keep trying to find a way around it but every time I look at you I see what he did."

"This is what he wanted." Maggie told Antonio, her fingertips toying with the edge of the blanket. "He wanted to make sure you couldn't love me, he wanted to break your heart."

The memory of those words was enough to make Antonio feel sick. At the time he had been convinced that there was no way that Jack could make that happen, that him and Maggie could get through anything but he had been wrong. That deep, sinful shame ate him up inside, he had done this to her and he knew in time she would blame him for what had happened back at that care facility. In Antonio's mind he was saving her, preventing her from wasting time on a broken husk of a man, one that had hurt her so badly, the marks would be permanently etched onto her body. He couldn't be with her, not the way she wanted. She was better off with someone strong, someone that who wasn't falling apart, someone that could focus on her and support her through this.

"So I guess this is goodbye." Maggie murmured, her split lower lip trembling as she tilted her head away from him, her chestnut waves shielding the profile of her face from his view.

"Yes." Antonio heard himself saying as he took a step back. "I guess it is."

Hey guys, my apologies for the late chapter this past week has been insane but the good news is I have secured a new job so yay!

Lauren: It was made to make you worry I am mean like that. Antonio is far from ok as you can see in this chapter. I don't like Adam in a relationship either, I have no idea why, I feel like he's too young to know the value of what he has sometimes. LMAO Gabe is such a good match to Kim and he knows how to treat her.

Anime: LMAO you'll have to wait and see on the wooing. I'm glad she's off the vent too! Jay has such a special relationship with Antonio and I love how he has insight into what the other man is going through and is there for him to lean on. I think we'll have to see on the church front, remember he's only left on a temp basis for now he can always go back!

Nat: The news isn't great depending on how you look at it. I know that Antonio feels like he's struggling at the moment. A massive step for Gabe and more steps to come before the end of the story. The new story took an insane turn and two chars have broken free, so I am now exploring their story. It's a pairing that I had never envisioned writing but somehow it works, it shouldn't but it does and I love the challenge of it.

Celtic: Thank you very much, it's always amazing to hear such lovely feedback. I spend so much time with these chars in my head I feel like I've got to know them so well.

Soccer: I know, I feel the same writing them in that position. It's a long road but as you said the PD family are there to help them through it if they can.