Chapter Ninety Eight: Fight Song
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
Rachel Patton - Fight Song
The door handle to the 21st precinct had never been as frightening to Maggie as it was right now. She eyed the smeared golden implement with apprehension as her heart beat wildly in her chest. Her throat was dry, like she had swallowed handfuls of sand and her stomach felt like lead as she stood before it, her dainty hands plunged into the black pockets of her quilted jacket. That battered brown, leather satchel of hers was hanging over her shoulder the time way it always had. Her paperwork resided in there including the Fit Note her doctors had signed declaring her fit for desk duty.
Three months was long enough, she reminded herself.
Physically, she was coming along in leaps and bounds. The muscles in her shoulders were back to normal, giving her the same amount of range she'd had before, maybe even better now she had taken up Pilates. Her lungs were working at almost full capacity these days, she still lagged a little behind Kim when they went running but the breathlessness wasn't as bad as it had been originally. That was only part of the reason she was essentially chained to a desk. Will had warned her about overdoing it, he insisted if she went back to work she had to stay off the streets until she was back to peak physical condition and she trusted him enough to follow his instructions down to the letter. She didn't want any setbacks right now, she'd had enough of those to last a life time. She just wanted to get in and focus on the job.
The only problem was she couldn't actually force herself to enter the building right now. Instead she was stuck out here, staring at the door handle as if she expected it to bite her. Unlike last time there was no Antonio Dawson to rush in and save her from herself. The very thought of him made her chest ache all over again. She could still see him standing there at the end of her bed, his shoulders hunched and that forlorn expression on his handsome features as he terminated their relationship.
She wished she could blame him, that she could scream and rant and hate him for doing this to her but with his admission, there had been relief. She hadn't been able to even begin to process what had happened to the two of them back in that basement. Seeing him battered and broken like that had damaged her deep down inside, she couldn't possibly understand the burden that he had been trying to shoulder. He had been the strong one, he had done what she couldn't and given the two of them the space to heal separately. If he hadn't their relationship would have self destructed and there wouldn't be any pieces left to pick up.
She knew through their friends that he had returned to work a couple of weeks ago. Kim had mentioned that he too was restricted to desk duty, the tendons in his hand were still repairing, a couple more weeks and he'd be cleared for duty pending psychological evaluation. Part of her was still surprised that he had chosen to come back to the job, she had thought that he would have chosen to cut his loses and snatched up the position that Stone had offered with in the DA's office. She wondered what had changed his mind, he'd been so adamant back up at the cabin.
Things change, she reminded herself. People do too.
"Did you forget how the door works ?" Sergeant Platt asked, pulling open the door from the inside and standing alongside of it to ushering Maggie into the building.
Despite the apprehension that coursed through her Maggie felt the edge of her lips beginning to tilt up into a humorous smile. She may act like a pain in the ass but Platt had really come through for her in the first couple of weeks after she'd gotten out of the hospital. In the aftermath of the attack, the only thing Maggie had wanted to do was curl up into the recesses of her bed and never leave. She had no idea who had called the other woman, there were a fair few suspects but Maggie had never been able to pin it down to one of them. Platt had simply turned up one day with Kojak, the police dog in training in tow and demanded that she help out since she had so much free time on her hands.
'Helping out' had basically consisted of walking Kojak around the block a few times until Maggie had to stop for a rest due to her diminished lung capacity. It hadn't taken long for her, Platt and the German Shepard to get into a routine, in an odd way it invigorated Maggie being outside and feeling useful once again. She looked forward to walking Kojak and even Platt's sardonic company and then came the other projects, the ones that Gabe needed help with. She knew she was being manipulated in a way but she allowed it to happen purposely.
Doctor Charles had insisted that she made sure not to regress into herself, what had happened had fucked up her head in more ways she could count and the vivid reminders of that terrible event were etched onto her flesh like some sickening novel. Every time she saw those scars, she would remember every single sensation from that night, it would creep up on her like a shadow sending icy cold tendrils of panic trailing up the base of her neck. She couldn't let the darkness get on top of her, she was adamant about that, no matter how many times in the night she woke up in a cold sweat, tears leaking down her eyes. She would beat this, she had sworn that to herself over and over again like a mantra, hoping that one day she may be strong enough to believe it.
"I thought it was all part of the service." Maggie responded to Platt's original question, sucking in a long deep breath as she stepped back into the hustle and bustle of the precinct.
It was immersive, the same way it had always been whenever she stepped through the door. No matter what was happening in the world outside, the precinct was where things always seemed to make sense to her and part of her was happy that was restricted to desk duty. She knew she couldn't face the world at it's worst just yet. A couple of her colleagues nodded their greetings before returning to their duties. It was like nothing had changed at all.
"Go get changed." Platt said, tilting her head towards the locker room. "I've got a special assignment for you today."
"That sounds mysterious." Maggie said, rising her eyebrows curiously before Platt shooed her away.
"The quicker you get changed, the quicker you'll find out." Platt informed her pointedly. "Now go, get changed. We have important things to do."
Maggie raised her hand in a salute before heading off to fulfil her first order of the day.
Hey guys, I had such an overwhelming response to the last chapter. Thank you so much for all of the reviews and the follows.
Western: Thank you for such a positive response to that chapter, I just couldn't see how the two of them could stay together when something so horrific had happened to them. The two of them need each other so much but at this moment they need to be apart more.
Lauren: Gabe and Kim are the voice of reason at the minute and they work together so well. Gabe is one of the most supportive people in the world. They do have to work through this themselves before they can contemplate being with one another again. I feel that Antonio is far too busy struggling with his own issues right now that he can't take on anything else.
Soccer: I think we're all heart broken for him and Maggie, it broke my heart writing the break up but it was definitely the right thing to do. They couldn't support one another in the state they were in.
Nat: It breaks my heart writing the two of them apart but they need it at the moment. Kim and Adam were not really my cup of tea, I think Kim is very dedicated and well rounded as a person where Adam can be almost childish sometimes. Antonio definitely does not have an interest at the moment, he's too busy trying to hold himself together. BTW that mystery couple we were discussing: Rhodes and Choi, it shouldn't work but some how it really does.
Anime: I'm glad it kept you coming back despite the break up! I think after everything that happened we really needed a catch up to show how things had progressed over a period of time, which is another way the text chapters are great. I can say no more on Kim and Gabe but Gabe is one of my fav chars to write, he is just such a good person. I think Antonio is a bit of a fantasy for Brett in my story, sexy, undercover cop however the reality is much different and I think Antonio knows it's a crush and there's nothing real in it. I promise on Roman and Kayla, there is no break up however in later chapters we do get to see a darker side of Roman which I admit I loved writing. Maggie and Roman are my absolute fav to write. I thought I would struggle when I decided to partner them but they have this amazing dynamic, I think they have such similar traits i=that they just bounce off each other.