Chapter One Hundred: Control
I can't help this awful energy
Goddamn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
Halsey - Control
The coffee shop around the corner from the precinct was quiet at this time of day and that was the way Antonio liked it. The ticking of the clock resounded through the quiet room as he sat across from Kayla Sharpe, his large hands wrapped around the white porcelain mug containing his fresh Italian Cappuccino as she fixed him with an incredulous stare that he was failing to ignore.
"So let me get this straight." Kayla began, her fingertip tracing around the rim of her delicate teacup as she spoke. "Instead of being a normal person and saying 'Hi' to Maggie on her first day back at work, you decided to slip out the back door in order to avoid her."
Antonio clamped his lips together, his jaw clenching as that fire that resided deep down inside of him began to writhe it's way to the surface. He had always had a quick temper but it had been worse since the attack. His rage was constant, always simmering, ready to flare up at a moments notice. He had lost count of the outbursts he had had during the month after he had left the hospital. The last time he'd lost his shit he had punched the wall so hard with his left hand that Jay had had to take him to the hospital for fear it was broken. It was at that point that Kayla had intervened, Jay wasn't getting through to him so they had decided it was time for Antonio to face a few home truths, ones that Jay couldn't bring himself to say.
"What happens next time one of your kids does something you don't like?" she had pointed out as she leaned against the work surface in his kitchen. "What happens next time Diego leaves his plate out or Eva doesn't do the dishes?"
"Jesus, Kayla I wouldn't hit my kids, how can you even think that?" Antonio had snarled at her, the fist of his left hand clenching by his side as he spoke. Already she could see the muscles tensing in his forearm, the skin on his knuckles turning white as he strained against the urge to lash out.
His dark eyes were blazing as the two of them stood inches apart, she could see that fury burning up inside of him and part of her wanted to flinch back away from it, to drop this and let him carry on. However Antonio was her friend, she owed it to him to make sure he got the help he needed. Kayla straightened her spine, planting her feet firmly on the floor as she stood tall in the face of the potential violence that was beginning to stir up in the room.
"Look at what your doing right now." she had said in a steady, even tone. "In what world would you ever consider raising your fist to me."
Her gaze dropped down to his balled up fist, she could see the muscles practically vibrating under the skin as it trembled with trepidation. Antonio followed her eye line, the realization crashing down on him as he inhaled deeply, forcing the muscles in his hand to flex out in order to relieve the tension.
"Kayla..." he said, his voice trembling as he stared at his hand as if it had a mind of it's own. "... I think you may be right. It's like I have this thing inside of me and it just wants to lash out at the world, at everything."
Kayla reached out, her dainty hand clasping Antonio's left one tightly in a show of solidarity.
"We need to get you some help." she said gently, as Antonio squeezed her hand in appreciation. "That darkness inside of you, it's growing and soon you won't be able to contain it, we need to stop it in it's tracks."
"I'll do anything." he told her, his dark eyes looking haunted as he stared down at their linked hands. "I'll do anything to never lose control like that again."
It hadn't taken long for the doctor to diagnose him with PTSD, it explained a lot of things to both Antonio. Therapy was helping him to understand the truth behind a lot of his responses in the aftermath of the attack, including his break up with Maggie. His doctor had explained that avoidance was one of the symptoms of his condition, there was no doubt that Maggie was a trigger for him so he had instilled a self defense mechanism to protect himself from the guilt and the shame that he felt when he looked at her. Despite the fact it had been three months, the thought of laying eyes on her again gave him a sense of anxiety that he had never associated with her before.
In the past Maggie was always this beacon of hope in his life, no matter what happened he had always been able to rely on her. Now she was this ghost that haunted his house, his bed, his memories. He missed her fiercely, every night as he lay there alone he would remember the way it felt to have her tender form lying next to him, her dainty hand resting on his stomach or chest reassuringly. He wondered what she would think of him now. He had always had the propensity for violence, it was ingrained into his DNA but he had managed to channel it through boxing and his job but it had never spilled into his personal life before. Not the way it had after the attack...
He thought she'd understand if he ever got around to telling her. He thought she would have seen that darkness manifesting in him, helped him through it somehow but at the time he hadn't wanted her help. He had been too locked into himself, wading through the damage he'd done to understand that they should have been helping one another. He had lost count of the amount of times he had picked up his phone to call her in the past couple of months. The only thing that stopped him was the thought of what she would say when she heard his voice.
He didn't know how to make up for what he'd done. An apology wasn't enough, no matter how much he meant it.
"I don't know how to fix this." Antonio admitted, his thumb smoothing up and down along the smooth porcelain, enjoying the warmth. "I basically abandoned her when she needed me the most. How can you even begin to fix that?"
"Start being present again for a start." Kayla advised, taking her teaspoon off of the saucer and using it to deposit another sugar cube into her tea cup. "Let her know that she can still count on you despite what happened."
Antonio raised his cappuccino to his mouth, pondering Kayla's words as he took a sip from his mug.
"I guess that means I'm going to have to start using the front door."
Hey Guys! Let me know what you think of what Antonio's going through at the moment.
Lauren: Mike becomes an issue for everyone, he is such a douche. I disliked him in the series and I just kind of added more of that to him. I could just imagine Trudy being that person who helps out with the dogs, she doesn't want one of her own but she loves them all the same. I hope you enjoyed this little insight into Kayla and Antonio.
Anime: It is Mike, he has the potential for a lot of badness in the next few chapters. Roman hates Mike so much, I think if he could he'd just murder him and leave him dead in the road. I know what you mean with the Will thing, every time I was like Will just keep your hands in your pockets. I think it's very important for women not to see themselves as victims, they are survivors. The boy's club is a real thing and I honestly think it will take generations for it to die out if it does at all.
Nat: I tried to imagine how I would feel in that position and in the end I just wrote that. You won't have to wait long to see what happens if they do bump into each other.