Title: i could be your perfect disaster
Summary: He never thought he'd do it. He never wanted to. But he did it anyway.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Prompt: The Deep End
Rating: T
Warning(s): LOTS of angst. Swearing. Reference to suicide.
Comments: Creyz because I don't know what's wrong with me to put them in more pain when they've already had enough.

He knew he'd be lying if he said he didn't know why the whole thing started. He thought it was a good idea, to rebuild his old home and start anew—he thought it would help to forget the bad memories by replacing them with happier ones. But everything went to shit when he moved in: civilians disgracing the walls and Uchiha emblems, writing things like "murderer" and "psychopath", horrifying flashbacks crashing back into him as he entered the room his parents were killed in—flashbacks which gave him vicious nightmares for the next few days until he was borderline insane with grief. And not to forget the truths of what the elders did slamming back into him every time a fond family memory resurfaced.

They drove him mad. They made him feel like an eight year old again—like the wound of his family's tragedy was still fresh, like it had just happened to him all over again. He was so far gone in grief, so numbed out by the pain that he hadn't even realized he'd taken a kunai out and nicked his wrist's main artery until he saw all the blood gushing out, several minutes later. He was so overwhelmed in sorrow that he hadn't even realized he wanted to take his own life.

This is what Sakura walked in on, smiling and cheery, with a basket of fresh tomatoes in her hand.

He would never, ever forget the way her smile broke when she saw him lying there against the wall in a puddle of his own blood, eyes widening in realization as she saw his hand over his bleeding wrist with a kunai at his side, his skin sickly white and eyes lulling shut. He would never, ever forget the anguished scream that left her mouth, the way she desperately scrambled to reach him, the way she yelled profanities at him for being so stupid. Most of all, he would never, ever forget the way she looked at him as she worked his wound, like she was losing her entire world in front of her very eyes in that one, single desperate moment.

It was the most heartbreaking thing he'd ever seen.

"Sakura," he rasped, wanting to wipe the tears away from her face but finding himself unable to move any of his limbs. "Sakura, I'm sorry." He didn't know why he was apologizing to her, he didn't know what he was doing anymore. Didn't know what he was thinking anymore. I'm sorry, his mind whispered, despite himself. I'm so sorry.

"Don't talk, you idiot!" She was frantic and scared, he could tell by the abnormally high pitch of her voice and the way sobs tore from her throat afterwards. Her hands were slick and red with his blood and she was shaking like a leaf, terrified of what might happen to him. "You are not dying on me now, Sasuke Uchiha! You are not dying on me now, you prick! Naruto and I went through hell and back to bring you back, you are not dying on me now!"

The way she was yelling desperately at him, like losing him was the worst thing that could happen to her, made his sluggishly beating heart ache in the sweetest way. She loves me, he realized. After all this time, she still loves me more than anything. He didn't know what he wanted to do, then: He wanted to smile, because she still loved him and god it felt so good to know he had always been good enough to love; but he also wanted to cry because she was losing her most important person and he knew by experience that the pain was unbearable and it was all his fault.

"I…" He had to stop to cough, before wheezing painfully and panting desperately, trying to catch as much air as possible. Why was it so hard to breathe? Was his body failing him already?

I'm sorry, Sakura. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. He thought, looking at her through bleary eyes. I wasn't thinking. I didn't want to do this. I never wanted to be a coward. I never wanted to leave you guys. He blinked, trying to clear his vision, and felt a sense of relief when he succeeded. She looked so beautiful, crying over him like that. Like she needed him to the very last. His eyes felt too heavy, then, and he let them fall shut. He was too exhausted to fight back. Thank you, Sakura. For making me feel needed, for making me feel like I could have lived a life without revenge and still have had a purpose. Thank you.

He waited for the blackness to overtake him, waited for death to claim him.

But it never did.

.

.

.

He didn't know how much time he spent there, unable to move a muscle and waiting for eternal sleep to steal him away—it could have been a minute, an hour, half a day. But slowly, steadily, his mind cleared itself. His heart slowly picked up its pace again.

Sasuke, still sluggish but feeling a little bit more energized, snapped his eyes open and took a generous gulp of hair, his chest jolting forward in shock. He didn't even have the time to take in anything before he felt thin arms tightening their hold on his neck and became aware of the dampness on his shoulder and Sakura's soft sobbing. His eyes softened.

"Sakura…" he croaked, swallowing tightly as his tongue felt sluggish. He tried to pull her away so he could look at her, but she only clung to him harder while making a small cry of negation. "Sakura, it's… it's okay," he said hoarsely, resting his weak arms on her waist. She didn't respond, and he waited a bit until he had a little more strength.

"I'm fine," he whispered reassuringly, turning his head in her direction. "I'm okay."

She snapped away from him, suddenly, looking at him with angry, tearful eyes. "No, you're not," she spat, wiping the tears falling down her cheeks and grasping the front of his shirt tightly in one fist. "You're not fucking okay, Sasuke-kun, you just tried to kill yourself!" She yanked him forward until his nose was up to hers, but the fury she was trying to keep up was slowly cracking away, leaving devastation in its place. "You tried to kill yourself," she said in a terribly broken voice. Her grip loosened, until she let him go and let him sag against the wall again.

"You're not okay, Sasuke-kun, you're not okay…" she whispered, burying her face in her hands and trying—but not succeeding—not to cry again. The last thing she wanted to do was to be weak in front of him, but the knowledge that he tried to commit suicide was still wracking her entire body and every time she thought about the fact he almost died, on her watch no less, she could barely keep herself from crumbling down.

Not being able to bear seeing her so broken anymore, Sasuke reached out with shaking arms and used whatever little strength he had to pull her against him. She gasped, body stiff with shock. Then, he buried his nose in her hair and loosely held his arms around her shoulders, a light smile trying to make its way to his lips when he felt her relax against him.

"I never meant to do it," he told her quietly, after a while, lips moving against the crown of her head. "I didn't know what I was doing—it I had been aware, I wouldn't have done it." His voice was stronger now, almost like he was desperate for her to know the truth.

Sakura wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, at that moment. "But you still did it," she said softly, twisting her head up to look at him with puffy eyes. "You still did it, Sasuke-kun. That means a part of you, however small it was, wanted to do it."

There was a sigh, long and shaky and terrified. "That scares me, Sasuke-kun," she started, hugging him tighter. "Because it tells me you might do it again."

Those words hit him like a punch in the gut. He was silent, astonished.

Then...

"I won't," he finally said, his voice shaking. He held her tighter and closed his eyes, shoving his face in her hair again. "I swear I won't."

"I don't want you to ever feel this way again," he thought. "I don't want you to live with this kind of pain."

He hadn't realised he'd spoken the words aloud until he felt Sakura smile against him.

A/N: Would you laugh if I told you that originally, my idea for this prompt was a drabble of AUCollege! Sasuke realizing he is head over ass in love with Sakura, Naruto teasing him about it, and Sakura being as oblivious as ever? Because that's totally what my plan was. Then I brainstormed other ideas like I usually do and THIS LITTLE SHIT CAME UP AND DESTROYED MY HEART so I had to write it. This prompt evidently goes with the whole idea of Sasuke being so deeply in that Deep End of his life that he decides to quit, unconsciously. And his body acts on it.

I don't think Sasuke would ever be the type to truly want to commit suicide, because he is such a stubborn guy and wants to change the ways of the village to have his clan and brother recognized truly, but I wanted to portray that even the most stubborn, strongest of people can have slips when they are so overwhelmed in anguish that they don't even know what they're doing anymore. Because damn does that shit happen fast.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I made anyone cry! I do hope you enjoyed, though! I did give them a happy ending. :)

Love you all, see you tomorrow!

DeepPoeticGirl