Title: finally content with a past i regret
Summary: She thought she could have him, but then she met Sakura. It was clear where his heart really lied.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Prompt: Diary/Journal
Rating: K
Warning(s): Onesided SasuKarin. Some angst.
Comments: Could be wildly not fitting to your views of SasuKarin, especially if you ship it a little. But this is kind of how I see them. KIND OF being the keyword here. It gets crack by like half of this chapter.

Diary,

I want him.

I want him, I desire him, I lust for him—sometimes I even think I need him.

And maybe at some point, I even loved him a little.

But I can't have him.

I never had him, either. Never even had a chance, even when we were side by side nearly every day—even when I fought by his side in his most troubling times. Not like he let me in, but I was still there, wasn't I? I was still there when she wasn't.

I remember thinking I could have him. I remember thinking that if I stayed there, if I healed him and talked to him and came off unto him… if I was there, like she never was in his time away, then he would eventually fall for me. He would open his eyes one day and see that I was there—see that I have always been there. In his most crucial times anyway.

But he didn't. And I guess… I guess I should have expected that. He was so hellbent on revenge—I should have known he wouldn't have wasted time on love, right?

Even there… I wonder if things would have still went the same between me and him, had he given up on his revenge. Had he just been a talented, beautiful ninja training under Orochimaru's mentorship, haven deserted his home village because of their weakness. I wonder, then, if we would have fallen in love.

Oh, who am I kidding? I still would have never had a chance.

And why? Because she has him wrapped around her little finger. Always had, really. I mean, it's not like I always knew. To be honest, I've only come to this realization recently—as in, a week or two ago. It wasn't that hard to figure out, though. I guess I just had to put my feelings aside to see it.

For instance, I always wondered why cherry blossom trees made him pause, on our travelling days. It'd be subtle, but I could catch the way he stiffened lightly every time we passed one. He'd stop for a brief second, head tilting towards the pink tree, before all too suddenly his eyes would narrow and he would continue on his way, his steps holding a little more force than usual. I wouldn't think much of it, at the time. I'd just ignore it.

But then I met her. And I thought about how oddly she reminded me of Sakura trees, with that hair of a perfect pink shade the color of—

"Oh," I remembered sighing. "Oh."

And I knew, then. I knew it was the memory of her that made him flinch every time he saw a cherry blossom tree—I knew that someway, somehow, she was in his heart, no matter how much he disliked it. I knew, then, that part of the reason he left was because he cared a little too much about that pink haired girl. Because he might have begun falling for her, and he couldn't let it happen.

Couldn't being the keyword, here. Because it's not that he didn't want to let it happen, but that he couldn't. Not right now, anyway.

I'm sad, diary. I'm upset I couldn't be that person to him, not even just a little.

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Diary,

Sakura invited me to lunch today. I don't know why. She and Sasuke were on their way to Ichiraku's after a sparring session, judging from the way their shirts were stained and their bodies still glistened, and when she saw me on my way back home, she invited me along.

Of course, I couldn't refuse an opportunity to be close to Sasuke, so I accepted.

I know now, that I shouldn't have.

I did get to sit beside Sasuke, and I did have some mild conversations with him, but he also flinched uncomfortably every time I got too close to him, and he kept the subject of our conversations on the professional level.

And if he wasn't sitting so close to Sakura, if his body wasn't leaning towards hers, if their arms weren't brushing every so often, and if their conversations didn't center around their personal lives, then I wouldn't have thought much of it. I would have just brushed it off.

But he did do all those things. And that's what made me see the place I had with Sasuke: a comrade—maybe a friend—that he worked well with during missions, and whose physical wellbeing he looked after. Someone he could count on, someone who was reliable, someone he trusted—but someone he did not let in, regardless. Someone he did not let down his walls for, much less let her break them.

He wasn't willing to let me into his personal life. He didn't want to.

And here's what's breaking my heart the most, diary: with Sakura, it was that he couldn't let her in. But with me? It's that he wouldn't.

This makes me so angry, diary. It makes me so upset and sad and livid and betrayed. What does she have that I don't? What makes her so special?

I hate her. I hate her, I hater her, I hate her! She took him away from me, and I will never be able to forgive that.

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Diary,

I had lunch with Sakura again. But we were alone, this time. And she also sought me out, this time.

I still don't know why.

She was very pleasant with me, asking me how I've been doing and if it's been hard readjusting, and even offering to find me a better place than the one I was living at. Apparently, having a shitty landlord wasn't going to stand, and she wouldn't let him rip off my money out of spite for being an ex-Sound nin.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to respond to this kind of kindness. Everyone here was so edgy with me—it wasn't every day that someone acted this considerate.

So I called her out on it, accusing her of trying to soften a blow because wasn't that what she was doing? Wasn't she going to steal something from me, or do something to me? Wasn't she trying to hide something? Or maybe she was on a mission to welcome me and she was faking it all too hard?

Sakura just smiled at me. And then she laughed, so genuinely.

"You're silly, Karin," she said to me. "I'm here and I want to help because I like you. I want to get to know you better."

I remember being suspicious again when the happy sparkle faded a bit. I thought, this was it! This was the moment I could call her out for being a liar! Because she is faking!

But then she just smiled again, softer and a little sadder. "And because I want to thank you for taking care of Sasuke all these years, when I wasn't able to."

Sakura is good at making me speechless, I tell you. Always the right words, always the right look. Always sincere. I'm beginning to see why Sasuke let his guards down for her. I'm beginning to see what's so different about me and her.

She can make you feel loved with just a single look. She can make you feel like it's okay to be yourself with a single smile. She can make you understand that she will always be there with her compassionate silence. And she conveys everything with her eyes.

And you know what? It's becoming so hard to hate her. I don't think I can do it anymore.

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Diary,

Sakura, she… she has him in the palm of her hand. She has his heart.

And you know what the worst part about that is? She doesn't have a single clue. She doesn't have a freaking clue but it's so… it's so damn obvious!

He walks her home, pays for her meals, picks her up from work, makes her dinner, brings her surprise coffee at the office on her long days… and he even makes her stay over at his place by purposefully keeping her around until it is 'too late and dangerous to walk home'.

How could she not pick up on any of that? Especially coming from him?

I have half a mind to march right up to her and tell her! She was supposed to be smart! Ugh, do you have any idea how frustrating that is? Watching the man that I want and need and envy her for, watching him trying so hard to give her a hint, while she just brushes off every action as temporary weird behavior.

I mean...

Konoha ninjas, seriously.

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Diary,

I just realized after writing my previous entry that I do not feel a tiny bit remorseful towards Sakura.

Why doesn't the idea of Sasuke chasing her make me bitter? Instead, I'm only frustrated she's not picking up on it.

Shouldn't I be happy?

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Diary,

I punched Sasuke today, for the first time ever.

He made Sakura really upset today, along with a handful of other people that I now call friends (and damn do I appreciate them a whole lot, those motherfuckers are awesome).

So obviously someone had to teach him a lesson. And me, having a whole lot of rage for him in my system, I volunteered for that.

I'd like to say this wouldn't be the last time punching him, but Sakura made me promise to never do it again—so she could.

I'm still rooting for them. Is something wrong with me?

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Diary,

It's been a week since Sakura left on her mission.

I've never seen Sasuke moping around so bad.

Seriously?

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Diary,

Still not angry, or bitter at their developing relationship.

I'm beginning to think I might have gotten over him.

I mean, even the sight of him all hot and sweaty after a mission doesn't make me tingle anymore.

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Diary,

I saw Sasuke openly flirt for the first time today.

I'm cringing.

What the fuck, dude.

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Diary,

I told Sasuke to grow some balls and ask her out, because I was getting tired of seeing him being subtle.

I don't think I've ever seen him so shocked, and I'm still debating on whether that was because I was so blunt about his feelings for Sakura, which he still hadn't declared to anybody, or because someone who used to spend her entire day trying to make him hers was giving him love advice.

Either way, he's dumb.

I wish he'd just kiss her already.

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Diary,

Wish granted.

P.s. Ugh, I'm so glad I'm over him. I sure as hell do not want to be on the receiving end of that mouth anymore—that looked like a bad first kiss.

A/N: Originally was supposed to skip this prompt and then out of nowhere I just had this idea. Lucky you guys, I guess? ;)

Sorry if this seems a little messily written, but this is a diary/journal entry. I don't know if you guys have ever had one, but in my diary, the entries were always really jumbled in thought and skipped pretty abruptly. Because it's like pouring your thoughts on a page. And I hope you realize that thoughts are very messy most of the time and not organized. xD

P.s. I'm aware this wasn't Sasuke's technical first kiss, but it was the first intentional one. Besides, you don't really think Karin would know about that accidental kiss with Naruto right? xD

DeepPoeticGirl