secret

she sat down quietly, the rough pages of the notebook in the crisp air rustling slightly. her hands were shaking, the pen she was holding unable to keep still.

maybe i shouldn't.

she did it anyway. a letter to him.

maybe she just wanted to say what was truly in her heart, for the first and last time, forever.

hi there, noyanoya! it's me, short-ass punk, worst girl, worse than a kick down there, gari-gari kun thief, the one and only, (F/N L/N)! no, this isn't a confession letter, pervert. i just needed to get something out of my system. i guess i could have called you, but it's 3am, and i don't want to mess up your sleep schedule just for me. i really want to tell you, that i'm so, so grateful for all the times that you've stood by me, when you caught me when i fell (literally as well haha) and just being there for all the times that i've needed someone to hold onto.

remember back in junior high, when we played a prank on that one substitute teacher? you know, the one with the funny tie and strange striped glasses? remember when we put that bucket of glitter at the door and it showered on him when he walked in? we had to apologise in front of the whole school, but seeing your face light up (and the teacher covered in glitter of course) made it all worth it.

do you remember all the way back to elementary school, after you made that promise that you'd protect me with your life? (more like with your stick)

when that girl, megan i think, made me cry, you chased her around with this stick you found until she promised to stop teasing me about my spotted shoelaces. sometimes i wonder how you even got that stick to scare her, (it was probably a branch now that i think about it) or why you were so bothered by her teasing my ugly spotted shoelaces. nevertheless, she never did come back to make fun of me, your methods maybe aren't that bad after all.

how about back in high school, when i made a banner for you in that volleyball match. it was terrible, you'd know. i purposely drew you in such an unflattering manner, and you'd turn bright red when i shouted your name and pointed at it. you did win though, and i like remembering that you won because you didn't want to be more embarrassed than you already were.

thank you for all the happy memories, thank you for being my friend, for bringing light into my world when i needed it the most, and for letting our stories intertwine. before i move on, i need to tell you something.

i think you'd have figured out by now that this is a suicide note.

there isn't anything you can do by the time you get it.

my roommate will come back from drinking, late as always. she will be the first one to find me.

i will be taken to the hospital where my mother will be called, and the note will be passed to your room the next morning at your college.

please, don't be upset. i don't want to watch your beautiful smile get slapped off your face. besides, you have her, don't you? she will comfort you. she loves you, and you love her.

before you go, can i apologise for something?

yuu,

i'm sorry.

i haven't been the good friend that i promised to be.

you see, i've lied to you. i've tricked you, and i've kept secrets from you.

remember when you announced that you finally got a girlfriend? remember how i told you that i was happy for you, and how i teased you about it?

i was lying.

i was hurt.

i thought that after so many years of being my friend, you'd finally catch the drift that i was there too, and that i really did like you more than a friend. at the time, i wondered why. why were you so stupid, why did she get to be the one who made you happy? why couldn't it be me?

i'm too selfish for my own good.

i always thought that you were better than her, that you deserved more, even if that person wasn't me.

you never saw the strange looks she gave me when i tagged along for lunch, or when i continued calling your name with no honorifics. you never really knew what was happening. but that's all in the past, she definitely has changed for the better. now that you're moving in with her, i'm happy for you, i really am. she's everything that you need, and i'm okay with that.

i hope you remember that when i'm gone.

enough about her.

remember when i told you i got a boyfriend? that guy in high school, his voice still rings in my ears, the effect he had on me was lasting. i was hoping that i'd get a reaction out of you. jealousy, anger, shock. i was desperate. desperate for your attention, for your love, something i would never get.

too desperate.

when you nodded and smiled, said you were happy for me, i was stunned. i didn't know how to react, and i was hurt.

didn't you get it? this is my way of getting you to notice me. i was doing this to make you jealous, to make you realise that i really did like you too. were you that dumb to not realise?

it's something I would have said a few years ago. but after we started drifting apart, i learned to control myself. that there were some things that i couldn't tell you, that there were some secrets that would stay that way forever, even though you were my best friend, and that a long time ago, we swore to tell each other everything.

he didn't treat me well. i found out sooner than later.

he was controlling, rude and unreasonable.

he threatened to spread rumours about me and have me kicked out of school should i break up with him.

he threatened to do many, many things to me.

i wasn't afraid of most of his empty threats, they were just words after all.

you might ask why didn't i leave him earlier, why didn't i tell somebody.

but there was one thing he said that scared me.

he told me that if i left him, he would destroy my friendship, disclose bluntly what my true feelings were.

for who, you might ask.

Yuu, it was you.

i didn't want to ruin your relationship that you were already so deeply invested in.

i didn't want to ruin the friendship that we had, but was slipping away so quickly already.

so i bore with him.

i listened to him and never tried to retaliate, always in fear that he might do something to you.

i didn't want him to hurt you and your happiness.

it wasn't until the end of high school that i finally broke up with him.

i cut him out of my life.

i thought that college was finally the time to break free, start anew and strengthen our bonds again.

when i did, i was hoping to turn around to see you, happy for me, proud of me for being brave.

i was hoping that you remembered me during this time that he forced me to cut you out.

but you didn't.

you were so busy, occupied with finding a place to stay for college, trying to help her and yourself with your studies too.

when i saw you laughing along with her, your faces alight, your eyes holding all the stars in the world, i wondered.

was this really all worth it?

was being the background character in your story something worth fighting for?

or should i give up now, not mention anything to you, silently accept my fate.

the only thing keeping me alive was hope that i clung onto like a tightrope, high above the ground.

i chose the latter.

i thought that if i stayed quiet, at the end, you wouldn't blame me for anything, the only things connecting us at the end was the first part of our stories that intertwined so deeply.

but yuu, it's ok.

i don't blame anyone for anything, neither do I blame her for loving you nor the boy that smothered the fire inside me.

why, you might ask then, did i kill myself.

i couldn't take the secrets i was hiding anymore.

my parents who have always been fighting recently got a divorce. with my death, hopefully they will be reunited again. it's not like i have the will to live anymore, it's for the better. i've run into too many money problems recently, i can't see a future for myself after college. i always thought since the very beginning that you would be here, with me. the future is near and i don't have anything, and everyday it becomes more and more difficult to get up and think of a reason to live.

long ago, that reason was you.

now, it still is, but it becomes weaker by the day.

at the end of this note, you might wonder.

you still kept in contact with me after you got your girlfriend, you didn't cut yourself from my world entirely.

but it wasn't really the same anymore, was it?

you were so invested in your relationship, we couldn't have a conversation where the topic of her would come up, or when we would be interrupted by her phone call.

i was thankful when you just dropped me a message, just a small reminder.

my heart would soar when you just turned to look at me, when you'd smile up at me during a volleyball match back in high school, or when you'd acknowledge me in the halls between classes.

but i was tired.

my heart needed to stop telling me things that would never come true.

as we near the end of this note, i want to tell you something.

after all this while, do i blame you?

the answer is no.

i was dumb and immature to think that a childhood friendship would last forever, and that it could move on to anything other than friendship. it was about time that we found our own happiness. i was hopeless enough to pin my happiness on you.

you're smart, yuu, despite what others may tell you. keep playing volleyball, you do the thing that you love the most.

keep loving her, stay loyal.

stay happy, stay pure.

please don't let anyone wipe that smile off your face.

do i still consider you my best friend, someone i would drop everything and do anything for?

i do, noyanoya. i have all this while.

and, a secret i've never told you before?

i'm sure you've heard it a million times throughout this note, i wasn't that subtle. you would've caught the drift by now, but i'll only say it once, direct and honest.

no shortcuts or synonyms.

nishinoya yuu.

the girl paused, the tears streaming down her face, her heart hurting more than ever.

the window to her fifth storey apartment was inviting, the wind whistling past her ears, as if calling her to join it, after this long, long time. after this race that she called life, she wanted to stop running, she finally gave in.

i loved you.

Signing off for the last time,

your best friend.

(F/N) (L/N).

she was gone.

it wasn't long before he himself received the note, after the news that she was dead.

as the tears pooled up in his eyes, he began to read…