word prompt: 'Crying'

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

.

"You wanna go to a hotel?"

"I…maybe your place is a better idea"

Brian nodded and tried not to show his own pain, the knife that was his girlfriend's pain and misery digging deep into his own chest, stabbing hard against his heart as she slowly nodded and bit the bottom corner of her lip into her mouth. He could see the sparkle of tears shining in her dark eyes, glimmering in the light of Captain Cragen's office. He softly guided her from the room, his hand millimetres away from her back, not yet touching as not to frighten her.

Olivia had been released from the hospital three hours and thirty-seven minutes ago. He had driven her to the precinct at IAB's orders so she could relay her statement about the last four days she had spent as William Lewis's captive. His latest victim, his plaything to do with what he wished. But he didn't get that far; Brian couldn't help but thank every god imaginable that his girlfriend had the strength and the power to survive. She knew how to play him at his own game, get inside his head, she used her willpower and sheer stubborn-ness to survive at the expense of her health, mental and physical.

As they approached the elevator he could hear the deep breaths being expelled from her mouth, her lips slightly pursed as she let the air flow from her lungs, he glanced down and noticed her shaking hand by her side, being here was doing her more harm than good right now and he could tell that she needed space, she needed a moment to let her guard down and break, just for a second.

"Liv…"

"In a minute" She whispered, trying to not let her voice break.

The elevator dinged and two rookie officers walked out leaving the small box empty for the two of them. He stepped in after her and quickly pushed the ground floor button, thankful that no one followed them in and it was just the two of them.

"It's okay" He said quietly as she stood with her back against the wall. "You're gonna be okay"

Olivia nodded, a few strands of her dark hair falling in front of her eyes as one tear escaped and slowly trickled down her face. With her free hand she quickly swiped it away and sighed. She looked down at her side, Brian stood close to her but not quite touching, she knew he was already struggling with this, he wasn't sure how to act or what to do, neither did she at this point but she was grateful that he was there.

She reached down and slowly touched her fingers against the back of his hand. Brian turned to face her, feeling the feather light touch of her fingertips against his skin, he let her lead, not wanting to scare her, he felt her fingers slip into the gaps between his as she released a breath she didn't realise she was holding. She squeezed his fingers, tighter than normal and shuffled her feet closer so their arms now touched, his blue shirt that fell across her body rubbing against his dark green hoodie.

"Just breathe," He said quietly as the elevator chimed once more, the doors sliding open just in time for them to catch a quick glance at the hoard of press and cameras just outside the building.

Brian gently pulled her away from view, leading her to the back of the building and sighed when he pushed open the doors to the relatively empty street, a few people hurrying along in the drizzly weather.

He pulled the car door open and watched as she climbed in, her eyes focused on the window in front of her, watching the people crossing the road.

"Can you…?" Olivia quietly gestured to her seatbelt, because of her injured wrist, currently wrapped in a cast and held up in a sling she couldn't manage to pull the strap across her body.

"Sure" He smiled softly and leaned across, clipping the strap into place before setting off in the direction of his apartment.

.

"You wanting something to eat? I think you need to eat before taking these painkillers…" Brian drifted off as he pulled the orange pill bottle from the pharmacy bag and began to read the label.

"It's fine Bri," She said quietly, following him to the kitchen. She stood quietly beside the fridge; practically cowering in the corner of an apartment she was all too familiar with.

They had spent many a day and night here, kept up in his apartment, spending the few lazy days or the odd weekend they both had together either in bed or on the couch, now she felt like a stranger, she felt like a stranger in her own skin never mind her boyfriend's home.

"Hey" Brian said quietly, he came to stand in front of her, noticing the distant look on her face "What do you need, Liv?" He asked, his voice soft, gently filtering into her ears "I'm not really sure what to do here, babe. But I promise to help you any way I can okay? You just have to open up a little, let me know what you need"

Olivia nodded, fresh tears brimming in her eyes "I don't know" She whispered, "I don't know what's going on with me"

"You've been through hell babe, but you're still here" He smiled "You'll get through this, I promise you"

"Yeah" She replied, her voice breaking, exhaustion flowing through her veins as she tried to stifle the yawn that was fast approaching.

"You want to try and sleep?"

"I don't know if I can"

Brian slowly reached forward and touched her arm, sighing happily when she didn't flinch away from him like she had done the last few times at the hospital "Come on, I'll stay with you, you don't have to sleep" He insisted "Just lay down, rest, maybe sleep will come to you"

Olivia slowly nodded and walked through the apartment to the bedroom in the back, his room was dark, the dark blue walls that matched the typical guy bed sheets. Her heart thudded when she made her way towards the large bed, it looked so warm and comfortable, unlike everything and every place she had been over the last five days. The only thing she wanted to do was crawl into bed and into Brian's arms and sleep for a week without panicking or crying every two minutes but the chances of that happening were slim to none.

After changing into a pair of Brian's sweats that she had claimed as her own months ago she carefully sat down on the bed, wincing slightly as a stabbing pain shot through her side. Brian lifted the covers and slid in beside her, lying on his back with his hands folded over his stomach, completely unsure of how to be. Normally they would be wrapped in each other's arms, even if they weren't they somehow always ended up that way, now everything was different, he wasn't sure if she was ready to be surrounded by him yet, maybe she needed her own space, time to get used to being back to normal.

She laid on her back, the only position that didn't make her broken rib scream out in agony and stared at the ceiling, tiny flickers of light streaming through the curtains as the couple lay in silence.

"You can cry if you want to"

Olivia clenched her teeth together, trying hard not to let the tears seep from her eyes as she heard Brian's soft words from the other side of the mattress.

"Liv…" She shook her head on the pillow as he slowly reached for her hand.

Sobs racked her body, as the first few tears broke free; she tried to kick the covers away from her but struggled due to her existing injuries. Brian sat up and pulled the covers back, kicking them to the foot of the bed, he gently guided her to sit up and she gratefully followed his lead, allowing him to spread his legs and move her body to sit between them, her face burying into his shirt, staining the white material with her angry tears. The frustration she felt within herself was released through her eyes as she clenched his hand and cried against him, finally allowing herself to be held for the first time since she was found.

.

One month later at two-nineteen am Brian awoke from a slumber. Having eventually fallen asleep after spending the day worrying about his girlfriend after she had a bit of a panic that afternoon, he woke suddenly to find the rest of the bed beside him empty. He shook his head slightly, trying to clear the drowsiness from his mind as he sat up and placed his feet on the floor.

Quickly checking the bathroom only to find it empty, he made his way into the living room, also empty and saw the dim light over the kitchen area, he stood still and heard the quiet sniffling of his girlfriend.

"Liv?" He quietly called her name as not to completely shock her when he turned the corner.

He turned past the edge of the breakfast counter and found Olivia curled up in the corner on the floor, her back against the cabinets, tears streaking her tired face.

"I'm sorry" She sobbed, "I can't…I-I"

"Hey, hey it's okay" He immediately dropped to the floor beside her, ignoring the chill that shot through his flannel pyjama pants from the cold tiled floor.

"He-I…"

"It's okay, let it out" Brian wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. He kissed the top of her head as she cried once again in his arms.

Her arm was now free of the sling and had a plastic cast wrapped around it. She sat on the floor wearing his shirt and her shorts, her uncovered hand held on tight to his shirt, her nails scraped against his stomach but he didn't care. She continued to sob against him for nearly half an hour, her body growing weary and slowly sinking further and further to the ground.

Brian quickly shifted as she lay on the floor, her head resting in his lap, her sobs turning to quiet cries as the tears now soaked through to his leg. He gently rubbed the length of her arm, knowing that she would freak if he touched her hair. He had tried to comfort her the week previous, the way he used to, his arms around her waist, softly stroking her hair but she pushed back and smacked his hands away, from that second he knew that for now, her hair was off limits.

Almost an hour later he glanced at the clock on the oven, the bright orange numbers indicating it was a little after three am and Olivia was now silent, the only sound was that of her breathing coming in deep, slow breaths against his leg as her head still rest in his lap.

"I see him everywhere" She whispered

Brian stayed silent. She was yet to divulge any information to him, all he knew was what the doctor had said while he was in the room and the tiny little snippets of information that Olivia released when she was in her most vulnerable moments.

"I cant close my eyes without seeing his grin, or his eyes…the smell of him is everywhere, I can't escape it"

"Come on…" Brian gently pushed her to a sitting position and held out his hands for her. With her free hand she reached for him and let him pull her up.

He cupped his hands over his mouth and sighed before holding them out to her, resting near her hips, just away from her, not directly touching.

"I love you," He said quietly before putting his hands on her body, noticing that while he spoke, she didn't flinch.

"You can get through this." He remarked, "I know it seems like you wont because everything brings you back to the place but I promise you it will get better. You just need to try and focus on the good"

"It's hard" She mouthed

"I know it is baby, I know" He stepped closer to her but was careful not to crowd her "Just take a few deep breaths and smile"

"What?" She raised her eyebrow

"Just do it" He smiled and began taking deep breaths with her

Olivia shook her head and followed his lead and after five deep breaths she slowly smiled and immediately followed it with a small chuckle as Brian's eyes lit up when her mouth turned upwards.

"See" He grinned, "I made you smile" He did a little victory dance and she chuckled again before hitting his chest.

"I'm not cured Bri, making me smile once isn't going to get him out of my head"

"Yeah but it proves that I can make you feel better, even for a second" He took her hand "When you see his face or his grin, think of mine. Come and find me if I'm not in the room or wake me up if it's from a nightmare, every time you see his face, counter it with mine. I mean I'm not that bad looking right?" He joked

"Thank you" She smiled slightly "And no, you're not"

"Come on" He held his hand out and linked their fingers together, guiding her into the bedroom.

She stopped still at the door, unsure if she should even try and sleep again, it never came easy yet and when it did Lewis and their torturous time together invade it.

"Here" Brian stood in front of her again, this time with his cologne in his hand, he held it in front of her for her to see and then lifted her hand, turning it over and spraying a squirt on her wrist.

"Now I smell like you" She jokingly grimaced

"Well you wear my clothes often enough" He retaliated, thankful for this moment of lucidity where his girlfriend was acting like her normal self for the first time since her assault.

"You need something to counteract your triggers right? That's how this works?" Brian asked for confirmation

"Yeah" Her heart leapt upon hearing his words, he had done his research.

"Then let me be that. Let me counteract your triggers, any time you see him, look at me, any time you hear him, listen to me, any time you smell something that reminds you of him or that place…" He gently lifted her wrist and the cologne bottle "You know what to do" He smiled

"I love you" She mouthed, unable to trust her voice

"I love you too"

.

Olivia turned off the shower and heard Brian calling her name "Yeah?" She yelled back

"I'm just going to get my stuff out the car, I'll be back in a minute"

"Lock the door" She replied immediately

"I will" He called back.

She stood in silence and listened for the key in the lock. After quickly drying herself off and changing into comfortable clothes, she washed her face and pulled her hair from the high ponytail and grabbed her hairbrush from the side of the sink.

She pulled the first section of hair and ran the brush through the long dark tresses. As she continued, the flashbacks hit her with force. Lewis, running his hands over her head, pouring bourbon over her, his hands running over her legs, the phone call from Brian, all of it accumulated and hit her at once.

Olivia jumped and refocused herself, clenching her toes she felt her feet on the warm tiled floor, her uninjured hand now gripping the hairbrush so hard her knuckles turned white. She threw it into the sink in front of her, staring at herself in the mirror, disgusted with her own appearance as a few tears escaped her dark eyes no matter how hard she tried to stop them.

She quickly pulled open the door and made her way into the kitchen. She grabbed the large kitchen scissors from the drawer by the sink and followed the path of steam that had floated out from the bathroom.

Once again in front of the mirror she stared herself down, taking in her appearance, her pale skin, the dark circles under her eyes, her face slightly sunken in due to exhaustion and the fact she was barely eating one meal a day and had lost a bit of weight. Olivia grabbed a chunk of her hair, ignoring the tears that ran down her cheeks and cut, slicing the inches of her hair clean off and letting them fall to the floor.

She cut again and again, unaware that she was now sobbing and Brian could hear her through the door, she didn't hear his calls or his asking her permission to enter, all she heard was Lewis, his evil cackle, his haunting words echoing in her mind. She saw his face, his grin taunting her, looking back at her in the mirror as she cut inch after inch from her hair.

Brian pushed the door open and saw his girlfriend breaking down, the scissors in her hand fell to the floor with a loud clatter as steel hit tile and she began to fall with them, pushing herself back from the sink she stumbled and he immediately reached for her, letting her fall into his arms, her fingernails digging into his arms as he sat back against the bathtub and gathered her like a child in his arms, whispering soothing words in her ear as she cried into his neck.

"Liv, baby, focus. It's okay, I'm right here. He can't get you," He whispered, his fingers running over her head as she wrapped her still injured arm around his neck.

"It's okay" He insisted as they sat on the now cold bathroom tiles. "Shhh, just breathe babe, you need to breathe" He cupped her face with his hands and pulled her away from him, pressing their foreheads against each other he started taking deep breaths hoping she would follow his lead.

"Good, that's it, just breathe babe" He sighed when she finally started calming down, her breathing was shaky as her body trembled through another panic attack.

"Just take it easy, that's it. I'm right here"

Olivia moved slightly and laid her head on his shoulder, tightening her arm around his neck as they sat on the floor. "I'm sorry" She whispered, her voice unsteady as she felt herself begin to cry again

"Hey, don't be sorry" He ran his hand up and down her back as the other held her against him "You have nothing to be sorry for. Just focus on your breathing just now, forget everything else, you're gonna be okay."

"Am I?"

"Yeah babe, you are. I promise"

.

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