This day has been full of revelations. I can't stop thinking about my Pre-Grey childhood and for once it isn't being dragged out of me by a shrink or because of a nightmare. What does it all mean?
I try to answer a few emails but all I can do is focus on the different monitors attached to his little body. The alarms when his pulse aux goes down is terrifying. I know he is getting the care that he needs but this feeling inside me just won't go away. I don't know how to name it.
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Sawyer announces that Flynn has arrived.
"Christian, what is going on? What has happened to Jaxson and where is Anastasia?" Does everyone know them but me?
"Flynn, thanks for coming down here. I know it is late. How do you know Jaxson and Ana?"
"I have met them a few times at your parents home. Rhian and Ana hit it off. William is two months younger than Jaxson so we have had play dates with Jaxson, William and the twins. I know Anastasia would never leave his side so what happened? How are you involved, last I heard you weren't friends."
" I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. It seems as though everyone in my life knows them but me. Ana is in surgery, she has some complications from the burns. Her condition is very serious but mom is overseeing it. I am sorry I don't know much more, mom got called to the ER. I would of called to let you know if I knew you were close. Apparently it has been all over the news. How can this be going on all around me and I am oblivious?"
"Christian, I can see you are upset. Do you want to go into another room so we can discuss this?" Flynn sounds like he is speaking to a wounded animal.
" No! We can stay here. I can't leave Jaxson. I promised my mom and I feel this connection to him. I know it sounds crazy but somehow Jaxson and I just need each other. He was in pain earlier and I held him and comforted him. I fell asleep, mom took these pictures. Look Jaxson is sleeping against my chest, his a tiny mop of mahogany ringlets are pressed against me and I am smiling in my sleep. His face is pressed against my chest and his hand is over my heart in this one and I appear to be holding it in place. How is this even possible?" I hand the phone to Flynn and like me he scrolls through the pictures and video several times.
"John,I don't understand, only Mia has ever been able to touch my chest without it eliciting pain."
" I can't give you a definite answer but I have seen parents have this type of connection where just the smell of the parents clothes or their touch can be calming. It can soothe the person but you and Jaxson just met, I wouldn't call it traumatic bonding because you met after the fact. I would need to see how you interact while he is awake but it is truly remarkable. What part worried you the most?"
"I don't know why but I feel connected to him. I know our backgrounds are completely different and he has a mother that is caring and attentive but I just feel like I am supposed to be here. The thought of needing someone is terrifying. I have only ever needed my family and even then I have arranged my life to keep them at a distance. I love them but limiting my interactions is better for everyone."
"There is nothing wrong with needing other people. Humans are social creatures. Do you think your family believes that it is better to limit your time together?"
" I am only a disappointment, I don't know why they even bother."
"Christian we will need to talk about this when little ears are not in the room. I will arrange for an office down the hall once your mom or someone else can sit with Jaxson. I recommend that instead of trying to deny the connection, why don't you go with it. These pictures prove that subconsciously you already trust Jaxson. Similar to when Mia was first adopted he needs love and he is innocent. If you can spare the time not only would it be extremely comforting to Jaxson but also beneficial to you."
" John, I am a monster. I don't want to bring darkness into his life."
I can tell John is exasperated with me, hell I am exasperated with myself.
"Anastasia will most likely have an extended hospital stay. How would you feel if Jaxson was in this room for days with only the nurses and doctors to keep him company?"
" Rage, unadulterated rage. That can't happen, he is so small and helpless. Hospitals are scary when you are a child; they need someone by their side to advocate for them, to keep them company, to love them and protect them. I can't leave Jaxson by himself."
"Everything you just said shows that you are not a monster. Let me be clear, Jaxson has an extended chosen family. We might not be related but plenty of people will be coming and going to check on his wellbeing but that is not the same as having someone with you the entire time. In less than a day you have bonded with this little boy. I have told you before that you are not a monster and you do have a heart. A monster would not do everything you are doing. Embrace it, see where it takes you. This might be the push you have needed."
After an hour long session with Flynn I feel oddly wired and calm at the same time. Normally after a session I need to exert some energy, running, swimming, sparing with Claude, basically anything that will get my mind out of the headspace. Tonight I feel strangely calm. I am not stupid enough to believe that this tiny three year old is a magic cure but I would be an idiot if I didn't at least see where this path could lead.
What is the worse that could happen? I have tried every imaginable type of therapy from the time I was four. I would quit but new techniques are being mastered every year. The thought of being able to sleep without the fear of a nightmare or the ability to pass someone smoking a cigarette without a flashback to the pimp and his menthol scented torture devices. The feeling is so real, I am that scared little boy with no one that cares. The dingy smell of the apartment, the sound of his evil cackle like a cartoon villain, the sounds of angry neighbors fighting and the all too familiar smell weed. We had no electricity, the water although it worked it was the color of mud and had a god awful smell. My first memories are mainly traumatic. Other than making the paper Christmas tree and baking a chocolate cake I can't recall any happy times.
I can already tell that Jaxson's life is filled with love and happiness. Am I jealous, do I want to protect him, am I having an aneurysm and losing my marbles. I don't know the answer but I know that leaving this hospital is not an option.