After an hour long session with Flynn I feel oddly wired and calm at the same time. Normally after a session I need to exert some energy, running, swimming, sparing with Claude, basically anything that will get my mind out of the headspace. Tonight I feel strangely calm. I am not stupid enough to believe that this tiny three year old is a magic cure but I would be an idiot if I didn't at least see where this path could lead.
What is the worst that could happen? I have tried every imaginable type of therapy from the time I was four. I would quit but new techniques are being mastered every year. The thought of being able to sleep without the fear of a nightmare or the ability to pass someone smoking a cigarette without a flashback to the pimp and his menthol scented torture devices. The feeling is so real, I am that scared little boy with no one that cares. The dingy smell of the apartment, the sound of his evil cackle like a cartoon villain, the sounds of angry neighbors fighting and the all too familiar smell of weed. We had no electricity, the water although it worked it was the color of mud and had a god awful smell. My first memories are mainly traumatic. Other than making the paper Christmas tree and baking a chocolate cake I can't recall any happy times.
I have always wondered why she didn't just give me away? It wasn't like she needed me to get child support from the sperm donor. Wouldn't it have been easier in herself and the pimp if I was out of the picture? I can't really wish for things to have been different because every choices has formed me into the person I am. I have on occasion dreamed of what it would have been like if I had been given up as a baby like Mia was and still ended up as a Grey. Wishful thinking I guess.
Why wasn't the crack whore able to take care of me but Ana has been able to raise Jaxson?
I can already tell that Jaxson's life is filled with love and happiness. Am I jealous, do I want to protect him, am I having an aneurysm and losing my marbles? I don't know the answer but I do know that leaving this hospital is not an option.
Flynn seems to be enjoying my suffering. That's probably the first time I have actively participated in the session. He has agreed to come in each day to the hospital or to have a phone session.
I don't know what is what it is about Jackson but that little boy has worked his way into my life and in such a very short period of time.
I don't know if it's just because he is a little kid. I've been around other children and never felt this protective over one. Ros and Gwen's daughter is sweet enough. I have never spent any time alone with her she is a darling but I have no desire to spend hours watching cartoons. If she was hurt or sick I would check on her and make sure Ros had ample time off as well anything she needed. My contribution would be more financial. I have already done that as far Ana and Jaxson are concerned. I have arranged to pay for the medical bills but yet I am still here. I could say it is because my mother requested that I stay but even I know that is bullshit. If that was the case I wouldn't have left Thanksgiving dinner before dessert.
I care for this child and his mother. I don't know how she will feel once she wakes up. I will try to talk to Anastasia. Hopefully she will give me a second chance. I would have never said what I said if I knew she was in the house. She is a beautiful woman. Even in bandages and a hospital gown she was breathtaking.
"Unke Cwistian" Jaxson's raspy voice halts my musing. "I don't feel good."
I'm not a doctor but this is the first time he has complained about his health since I have been here. Even I know this isn't a good sign. I quickly press the nurse call button and tell the nurse I need her in the room right now whilst trying not to scare Jaxson.
The nurses and the Dr. Palmer, the pediatric Pulmonologist, enter the room. They look worried but they keep a happy face as to not alarm Jaxson.
Childlife once again enters the room and explains all the tests and tries to comfort Jaxson. All though it is terrifying for him Jaxson barely cries. The only time he says anything it is asking for his momma. That is heartbreaking even to an ass like me. I push back the feelings of my childhood and wanting my mom. This isn't about me. I reach for Jaxson's hand and hold it from the top of the bed.
It feels like that kid story from Dr. Seuss.
And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Christmas came through.
Could this little boy be healing my heart?
A few X-rays, another breathing treatment, steroid injections to open his lungs, a blood gas which looked utterly painful and a few other things and Jaxson's blood oxygen levels have came up a tiny bit. His voice is very raspy and he has a terrible cough. He was crying for his mommy and that was heartbreaking. I was asked to leave the room but Jaxson was holding onto my hand so tightly I couldn't even move a few feet away. Not that I would have left him.
I quickly text my mom. I know she was busy in the ER but she will want to know what is going on.
He is so tiny. I know kids have surgeries every day and from what I have been told this is considered minor but I feel helpless. It is not a feeling that I am used to. At one point of my life it was all I knew. I have organized my world so that it never happens and yet here I am again but I don't regret it either.
The medicine seems to be helping Jaxson enough that he is asleep but he is still holding onto my hand with dear life so that I don't move. His head is on my lap and I gently run my hands through his hair. It has always been soothing to me so I hope I am bringing him a little bit of comfort.
"Christian."
"Sorry mom I must have fallen asleep. What time is it?" I glance down and see that Jaxson is still laying against me with his head on my thigh, gripping my hand. I don't even remember falling asleep.
"It has only been 45 minutes since you texted me. I came in and saw you were both out so I was checking in with his Pulmonologist."
I don't think I have ever fallen asleep so easily, the little bit of sleep was more restful than a night full of nightmares.
"Christian darling, thank you for the text message. The charge nurse should have paged me the moment Jaxson was in distress, I will handle that. Jaxson's surgery will be in two hours. They are preparing everything right now."
"Is he stable enough for the surgery? He shouldn't be alone. Hospitals are scary when you are a little kid."
"Christian I will stay with him. He will not be left alone. I promise.
I know this isn't about me but mom squeezes my hand. She is thinking about my time before becoming a Grey too. I was held down so that the doctors and nurses could get to my burns and bruises. Nobody cared that it was burning me and as much as I screamed nothing helped. I lost my voice. I had lost my mom. I had nothing left. Mom came in and stopped everyone but it was too late.
"It is okay let it out." I didn't even realize that I started to cry. Mom is stroking my hair just like she did when I was little and I would have a nightmare.
I'm not sure how long I have been crying but I feel a little lighter. I don't think I have cried like that since I was five years old. "Sorry mom." I feel a little embarrassed but if I was going to have a moment like that at least it was my mother.
"Nonsense, you feel connected to Jaxson and his situation is bringing up memories of when you were a little boy and in the hospital. Sometimes a good cry is all you need. I will never judge you, I hope you know this? Just promise me that you will talk to John about it when he comes over tomorrow."
That look again tells me she will know if I go against her orders. I might be worth billions but none of that makes an ounce of difference when it comes to my mother. "Yes mom." I pull her into half a hug. Jaxson is still laying asleep over me. Unfortunately the medication he needed has made it so he is out cold. "Can I do anything while Jaxson is in surgery? I would like to help."
"It would be wonderful if you could go downstairs and give blood. You are O negative so you are an universal donor. Also, Anastasia will not be awake for sometime but studies have shown that it is helpful for patients to have a loved one nearby and to be spoken to. I know you and Anastasia just met but if you talk about Jaxson that could help. As soon as he is out of surgery I will let you know."
"I can do that. Maybe we could arrange for a blood drive at GEH. Do you need anything else?"
"Darling that would be fantastic. Many people only give blood when a natural disaster hits or after something major. Blood is always needed. Call my assistant and tell her that you want to set up a blood drive. She can assist Andrea in setting it up. It usually takes a few weeks but if you are willing to let them mention it on the hospital's website it might bring more people in. I know you are not a fan of the media but they could use the stock photo from GEH."
Mom is starting to get excited but obviously thinks I will get upset. This I can do.
"Mom, it is alright. I want to help and if this gets more people to get off their ass-" Shit that look.
"I mean off their behinds I will allow it to be filmed. Mia was telling me that Facebook live is the cool way to announce things. I will call Barney and Welch to come down here. Once Jaxson is in surgery I will go down and donate the blood. Can we possibly close the lab for the video. I will ask Taylor and the guys if they want to donate blood too."
"You are the sweetest, thank you so much darling. I will call in some extra staff. I know we will have a massive turnout. You will be saving so many lives." Another hug and I can hear the small whimpers. This time I know it is happy tears.
Taylor knocks on the door and enters with a basket. We never did eat the food he brought earlier. Inside it is filled with enough sandwiches and snacks for twenty people. The three of us eat and discuss what will be happening today. We conference in the needed people. Needless to say the hospital executives are ecstatic for the extra PR.
The two hours fly by and Jaxson wakes up moments before he is to be moved to the OR.
"Unke Cwistian , I'm scared." The tiny tears are running down Jaxson's little face. His deep blue eyes are able to pierce through me. I feel rudderless, what do I say?
I look at Jason, I don't know why, he can't do anything. Next to Jason is my angel. Mom mouths "speak from your heart.". She should know that I don't have one but I will try. I try to remember what I was scared of when I was in the hospital. For once I am able to focus on the feelings not just the pain.
"Can you tell me why you are scared ?" I gently lift Jaxson so he is sitting on my lap.
" I miss my momma. She holds my hand when I have to get shots. She left me. What if that bad man got her. " His voice cracks and his pain is heartbreaking.
"Can I tell you a secret?" He nods, I pretend to be whispering but everyone in the room can hear.
"Everyone gets scared. I was about your age when I was in the hospital for some burns. I was really scared and I even cried."
"Wrrealy ?"
"Yes, really. My mom, your Grammie Grace saved me. She stayed with me and made sure nothing could hurt me."
"I wuv Gwammy Gwace "
"She loves you too. She will staying with you the entire time. See that big guy next to her?"
"Uh huh"
"That is my friend Taylor. He was in the army. He helps protect me from bad guys."
"The Army like Captain America, my grandpa is a general."
"Yes, just like Captain America. You know how Captain America is part of a team called the Avengers right." An excited little nod of acknowledgement but his tears have turned into hiccups.
"Taylor is part of a team." Jason opens the door and motions for a few of the guys to come in.
"This is Ryan."
"He's big as The Hulk."
"Yes he is but don't worry he doesn't turn green. He has been outside your room. He will follow you and Grammy Grace to make sure nobody hurts either of you."
"Is that Thor?"
Jaxson is pointing at Reynolds who has long blond hair that is tied back into a ponytail. All of my men are muscular but Reynolds is the tallest.
"I think you are right. Reynolds do you mind being Thor?"
"Actually little buddy Thor is my favorite Avenger. Want to see something cool?" Jaxson nods his heads excitedly. Reynolds slides his suit jacket off and rolls up the sleeves of his white shirt. "This is Mjolinr, Thor's hammer."
"Cool!" Jaxson shouts.
Reynolds has worked for me for three years and I never knew he had a hammer tattooed on his forearm. It isn't a small tattoo either. It has the lightning bolts and everything. We all laugh and smile at Jaxson's excitement.
"What about momma? What if the bad man gets her?"
Taylor steps forward as he pulls up Facetime and Sawyer appears on the IPad. "Sawyer can you tell my little friend Jaxson where you are?"
Sawyer appears to question what is going on because Taylor obviously knows where Sawyer is stationed. Once the tablet is facing Jaxson he figures it out. My guys will all be getting a raise.
"Hey Jaxson. I am outside your moms room. The doctors gave her some medecine so she can feel better. I will make sure she is safe."
"You Avenger too?"
"Sure, can I be Iron man?"
"No, Unke Cwistian is Iron Man, Iron Man leads Avengers. You be Spidey."
"Okay, I will be Spider Man. I will protect your mom."
"Can I see momma?"
"Jaxson she is sleeping right now but Uncle Christian will set up a way for you to see your mom once you are out of surgery." Thanks mom
"Otay, I wuv you Unke Cwistian." Jaxson turns toward me and gives me a hug. His little hands are on my chest and his brown little curls and his face are pressed against my shoulder. I kiss the top of his head and rub his tiny little back. I don't feel pain. It feels like when Mia was a baby. Her touch was never painful. I have always felt the love.
"I love you too Jaxson. We won't let anything happen to you or your mom."
"Pinky promise?" He holds out his little hand with his tiny pinky in the air. I remember as kids Elliot and I would do this and once Mia was old enough everything had to be pinky promised to guarantee your word. I link my pinky with his and we shake. Jaxson once again gives me a big hug and I can feel the frost melting off my heart.
As I look up mom is in tears and my men are trying to look impassive but failing. This little boy has made his way into everyone's hearts.
"Tank you. Can we all dress up as the Avengers later?" Jaxson asks excitedly. Little kids are hilarious. Their moods flit from one thing to another.
The guys all look to me. I guess I could order them to dress up but I doubt that will be needed. "How about once you are done with surgery I will order some costumes and whomever wants can dress up. I will get you one of each." I know I would be getting the stink eye from Ms. Steele if she was here but for the moment I don't care.
"Otay Gwammy Gwace lets go."
We all say goodbye to Jaxson as he my mother and Reynolds go down the corridor towards the pediatric operating rooms. I know my mom has it under control but my newfound heart can't help but worry about the possible complications.
Quickly the men are filled in and not surprisingly all of the men want to donate blood. Mrs. Curtis, Welch and Barney have everything set up in the lab when we arrive. I notice this lab looks like it is original to the hospital, it has to be at least fifty years old. I make a note that this will need to be one of the first things to be updated.
By the time the live feed starts we have over thirty thousand people watching. I am hooked up and while the blood is slowly filling the bag I share some facts from a poster in the lab. How 4.5 million Americans would die each year without life saving blood transfusions. Every three seconds someone needs blood. Just one pint of donated blood can help save as many as three people's lives.
As I am reading the facts I feel bad that I haven't don't this before. It is painless and doesn't take any effort. While on air I make a decision.
" I am not one for New Years resolutions, instead I am going to make a promise that I will donate blood every few months. I give millions to charities but I am going to challenge myself and others to take time out of your day and donate blood. Think of the lives you will save. I will even work with the hospital and the Red Cross to see what else GEH can do. Maybe we can do a raffle? Mrs. Curtis will give you details on how you can be a blood donor." I know my deceleration has just made more work for my team and probably the hospital but at the moment I am more concerned with helping the patients.
Once the live feed is disconnected Jason and I go to Anastasia's room. It feels so strange to call her Ms. Steele but before she collapsed she was less than happy with me.
"Jason, what do I say?" I don't know why am so worried. She isn't even awake. If my competitors knew that this is all it takes to make me nervous I would be out of business.
"Christian you have been comforting her son the entire time she has been unconscious. You made a mistake a few years ago. That person doesn't exist. The person you were when you entered the hospital is different from the man in front of me. If the situation was different and you were taking care of Sofie while I was unable to I would be forever grateful. Tell her what Jaxson has been going through. Don't sugarcoat it. She is his mother. She would want to know everything. Chances are she won't remember any of it but it will help her."
I don't think Jason has ever called me Christian but this time in the hospital has affected us all.
I sit next to Anastasia and just talk. At first it was about the weather, how Jaxson has been and what his prognosis is. I have no idea for how long I have been talking but at some point I open up about everything. I start with my first memories and the the less than stellar parentage that I had. How the crack whores pimp abused me.
How I got adopted and how I became a Grey. I have no idea what she knows about my past but since she is friends with Mia and my parents I guess that she knows some of my history.
I explain how I went from enjoying time with my family to feeling like a I didn't belong. That I wasn't good enough for my perfect family and that fighting, drinking and being a jerk was my MO. How school after school expelled me and that I was one step away from being sent to military school.
How my last chance was helping my mothers best friend with some help around the house and how that morphed into me becoming sex slave.
I probably shouldn't be telling her but she is unconscious and speaking with her is so easy. Usually John has to drag the information out of me and my answers are one word. With Anastasia I strangely feel loquacious. I don't know what it is about Jaxson and his mother.
What started as sex and a way for a horny, self destructive teen to get a release morphed into abuse. I believed Elena was helping me. She got me to stop drinking and focus on my grades and school work. She introduced me to what she called a BDSM relationship but it was anything but. She would ignore my safe words and purposely do things that were my hard limits. While bound and gagged I had no control.
Many times I was loaned out and the pain of being violated by strange woman and men has left more scars physically and emotionally. I thought Elena was evil but one woman was truly a sadist. After one particularly painful incident I refused to return to Elena's. I had to tell my parents that I had been hit by a car while walking home. I couldn't cover those bruises and cuts. Luckily for me they believed it since I was no longer brawling. By than my grades had improved enough that I got accepted into to several Ivy League universities.
While at Harvard I learned what a real bdsm relationship was like from a friend who had been practicing for several years. She was a senior and she introduced to the local scene. How to be a real Dom and how Elena was really just a monster.
Once I started GEH Elena tried to blackmail me but my guys were able to get all the incriminating photos. They also discovered that I was not her only victim. I don't know how I could've been so naive to believe I had been special to her. With the help of my team we managed to get the FBI involved without my name or company being dragged through the mud. I never had the courage to tell Grace and Carrick how I was involved with taking her down or the fucked up relationship we had. I feel like a horrible son.
Once I explain my sorted past with Elena I try to explain that I have been a dominant. How it is misunderstood but that I also haven't really been active in the community for the past year.
I know I have said far too much but I can't seem to stop. I don't know if it it because she is unconscious or that she probably won't remember any of this.
I have never been this open with anyone. Even Taylor hasn't heard this all before. He has tried to keep his face impassive but his hands are clenched, eyes are glaring and his lips are narrowed. He has failed miserably but I know it is because he cares. I have always refused to tell him the details of what happened.
The alarms start beeping and several nurses rush in. Before I can question what is going on fathomless blue eyes stare up at me. She reaches for my hand and holds tightly and whispers one word.
"Jaxson!"