Chapter Five
Breath of Desperation
Toshiro sat on Urahara's step and waited, for what he wasn't sure. He had no idea what he was expecting. He had trusted him. He had looked up to him. And now? How could someone he considered someone he saw as an idol could do something so very vile and disgusting?
"Taichou?" Matsumoto asked from behind him. He looked over at her and nodded.
"We need to go see if we can find him," he said as he stood up. "Who is coming with us?"
"Zaraki-taichou brought Yachiru, Yumichika, and Ikkaku. But you're in charge of the operation," she said with a smile at him. "You know that the Sou Taichou didn't want to involve more people than were necessary. He believes that he'll have enough problems with things as it is without feeling like everyone in Soul Society knows what has occurred."
Toshiro sighed. "Let's go. I want this over."
Moving through Karakura, they were unsure where he would have gone. However, Toshiro had an idea. He found himself to be right.
"I thought you'd come here," he said, signaling to the others that he'd found him with a pulse of reiatsu.
Isshin was sitting against his wife's memorial, smoking a cigarette and staring into the sky as clouds gathered. It was going to rain soon. He knew that it was appropriate. He was expecting such a thing and more.
"I had to tell her how sorry I was."
"You honestly think she would forgive you?" Toshiro almost whispered. Despite how hard he was trying, the small captain was desperately trying to control his own power.
Isshin shook his head. "No. She wouldn't. I still had to tell her, though. Being sorry isn't the same as being forgiven. At least she had to know, though."
"Are you going to come without a fight?" Toshiro said as Matsumoto landed beside him.
"I will. I'll receive what I deserve, not by your hands, though," he said as he stood, crushing the cigarette and looking at them.
"What does that mean?" Toshiro asked with a narrowed glance.
Isshin sighed. "You'll understand soon. I'm ready now to face it. I'm sure the old man has a thing or two to say to me. If not him, others. You know as well as I do what will happen once I've returned. Those who have found out will come for me."
Toshiro escorted him through the senkaimon with the others surrounding them. He said nothing else, only followed them. In short order, he'd been confined in the tower where Rukia had been kept, closing off his access to his power. During the entire ordeal, he said nothing more, as one who has accepted their fate completely. Either that or he had some plan in place that they were unaware of. It would not matter. There were ten captains in the Gotei thirteen, and eleven lieutenants that were aware of what had occurred, and were more than willing to ensure that he did not leave their custody.
-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-
Uryū looked up as Ryūken returned from speaking with the captains. He sighed as he sat down across from Uryū.
"You look irritated, more than usual," Uryū commented.
Ryūken shook his head. "Why did it have to be me?" he sighed.
"Then leave."
"I don't want to leave. I can't," Ryūken said and picked up a teacup that one of Byakuya's servants had left for him.
"Why? Why are you here anyway?" Uryū asked because frankly he was worried for Ichigo more than anything with Ryūken around.
The white haired Quincy sighed and shook his head. "I told him the truth, because of his mother. I, in a way, see in him what Isshin did. That untampered sweetness and spirit of his mother. She was always a beautiful person, and Ichigo inherited those traits from her. He looks like her in many ways, but it isn't his appearance, but his spirit that makes him his mother's son."
Uryū nodded. "And he's our blood."
"Yeah, even if he never shows Quincy abilities, he is one of our blood. And that matters. You know that much."
Uryū guessed he understood. "Alright, but just…be careful with him. He is the type that appears so strong, and he'll do anything for someone else, but he won't do a thing to save himself."
Ryūken nodded and stood. He supposed he should see if the boy was willing to talk. Boy, he thought to himself. He was a man now. He knocked on the door and heard a soft "enter". He opened it and found Rukia was sitting on the futon by Ichigo. He was asleep and clutching the stuffed panda to his chest. He smiled to himself as he dropped to sit beside her.
"How did he sleep?" he asked in a quiet voice.
"Well. I only woke a few times, and he'd stayed in my arms. I know it seems like something, but there is nothing there, not like Nii-sama thought," she said with a sigh. "I love him as a friend and a brother, so I'll stay with him." She paused for a long time. "I should have seen it. So many times. I should have seen what was happening."
Ryūken sat down beside her on the futon. "We should have seen a lot of things."
"He's frustrated by everything," she said after a moment of silence. "I asked him, and he said that if it was anyone else, he would have known they were treated wrongly. He said that, so on some level, he knows his father was wrong to abuse him like he did. But he loves him, Ishida-san. Loves him even now, and doesn't want harm to come to him."
With a soft sigh, Ryūken found himself putting an arm around Rukia. She didn't seem to mind, and he spoke again. "I know this is difficult but you just have to be there for him as he figures this out for himself. We can't make him stop feeling betrayed by everyone. We can't stop him from loving the man that hurt him so deeply. And we can't just fix him. Things don't work that way, Rukia," he said and sighed. To think that he'd sit here giving her advice.
"I want to help him. I don't know how to help him, though," she said and reached behind her to stroke his arm. "What do I do?"
"Whatever it takes, and whatever he needs," Ryūken said with a soft smile at her.
There was a longer silence between them, and she saw that Ichigo was sleeping so deeply that even her moving hadn't disturbed him. "Come, I'm sure that there's food for us. I'll bring Ichigo back something. I'm sure he feels like a prisoner here. He could come out, but he's pouting I think. Sometimes I wonder if he's eighteen or eight…" she muttered as they headed out of the room.
Ichigo opened his eyes, having been awake for a while and clutched the Panda to his chest. It was sweet of her to do that. He was afraid his messed up state was going to influence her, though. He didn't have a choice, though. Shunsui shunned him. He'd hoped that he would help, would take him in, and help him like desperately needed. It didn't make sense to them, he knew. To them, they only saw the horrible things Isshin had done to him. It had been more than that. It had been more than the things that made him ache with fear and try and run from him. No there had been more than that. Maybe he could get Byakuya to respond. He was loose, unmoored, and he needed something, someone, to hold onto. Even if they hated him, hurt him, he needed someone, anyone.
He sighed and had almost fallen into sleep again when his eyes flew open and he sat up. That was his father's reiatsu. He was here? Why was he here? He stood and went to the barrier and stared out into the garden. His mouth had gone dry and he didn't know what to do. He heard the door and turned to see that Rukia had returned.
"Ichigo…"
"They found him? What are they going to do? What's going to happen to him?" he asked, walking over toward her.
"There's a meeting. They'll decide his fate, but Ichigo, you know they'll punish him. They won't execute him, but they'll send him…" she started.
"No, don't say that, don't say that place," he said and turned away. "I don't…I don't want him to go there. Please, they should just…I don't know, send him back, monitor him to make sure he doesn't do anything bad, I'll stay here, that way they…they won't have to worry about him."
Rukia placed a hand on his arm. "They won't do that, Ichigo, and you know it."
Ichigo bit his lip and looked down. He didn't want him to be thrown in the Maggot's Nest with the likes of Aizen. He hadn't done anything that wrong. He glanced behind him at the door and then at Rukia.
"I'm going to walk around the house," he said and turned to go.
"Do you want me to come with you? I could show you around," she said as she turned toward him.
"No, I just want to be alone," he whispered almost too low to be heard and left the room.
He had every intention of getting out of the house. He wasn't going to let them put his father in the Maggot's Nest over him. Not only would that be a waste of a captain level Shinigami, it was ridiculous to punish him for something Ichigo deserved, and even wanted.
-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-
"Isshin Kurosaki, previously known to Soul Society as Isshin Shiba, you stand before the Gotei 13 charged with several unforgivable offenses," the Sou Taichou said as he looked around the room. The captains and lieutenants had gathered in a large, circular room. The captains sat at a semicircular table and Isshin sat in the center of it with the table winging out around him. Each division's lieutenant stood behind their captain.
Isshin looked at them with an expressionless face. His hands were bound together and he wore a collar of seki-seki stone to bind his power. The Sou-taichou sat in the middle, with Soi Fon on his left, followed by Shinji, Unohana, Kensei, Toshiro, and Kurotsuchi. On the Sou-taichou's left, Shunsui sat next to him, then Ukitake, Zaraki, Byakuya, Konohamaru, and Rose. Most the captains had no expression, thought there were a few exceptions. Kensei was glowering at him, and Shinji had a look on his face that none of them had seen before. The normally careless captain was fuming. Of course, Ichigo had been his student.
"You are here merely to determine your punishment, as there is no doubt as to the guilt of your crimes. Do you deny your crimes against your own son, and one of the rare Shinigami born to us?" the Sou-Taichou continued.
"I do not deny it," Isshin said. "I am ready to accept whatever it is decided my punishment is."
"Do any of the other captains wish to question Shiba before I pronounce his sentence?" the Sou-Taichou asked.
"Why?" Shunsui asked as he stared at him. "Why would you do something like this to a child? To your own child? Do you even understand the depth of the damage you have done to him?"
Isshin nodded. "I know well what has been done. It can't be undone, I am sure. Without me, he will eventually give in to the urges I gave him. He'll need it. The abuse, the sex, the pain defines what he is now."
Ukitake shook his head. "You have no repentance for what you have done."
"I don't need to. He took the most important thing in the world from me, so he was punished. Will you not punish me for doing what I've done? He was punished for what he had done."
"You can't be serious?" Toshiro said, eyes narrowing. "For what he did? For existing?"
Isshin nodded. "I know you can't understand it. His very existence as that monster was an affront to everything and he should have died instead of her when the Grand Fisher attacked. It was him that lured it."
"He's not a monster," Renji snapped, feeling Byakuya's hand on his leg when he spoke, staying him from continuing.
"But he is. I know Kuchiki-taichou has seen it. That monster nearly murdered Uryū. That monster lives inside my son, and is my son. There is no separating them, and the fact that you all don't realize that tells me how blinded you are by his physical appearance. He's-" Shinji slammed both hands onto the table in front of him and stopped Isshin's words.
"He's no different than me, or Kensei, or Rose. He's a Vizard like us, and none of us asked for it to start with! How dare you blame him for what Aizen did to all of us!" Shinji said and stood leaning over the table. "Are we monsters?"
"He isn't like you," Isshin said with a sigh. "You call up power from inside. That thing can take over his body and turn him into a full hollow. Your power can't do that. Yes, you have a fraction of it, that inner hollow, but I fought that creature when it tried to kill Masaki, the hollow without a hole that Aizen created. No, you aren't like him. You use a monstrous power. He is a monster."
"Monster or not, how can you possibly make a case for raping your own child? For forcing him to act out your twisted fantasies?" Soi Fon said quietly from her position. She had seen enough of what Isshin had collected when everything was brought from the World of the Living by Ukitake.
Isshin shook his head. "I admit it was wrong, all of it, but I had lost my Masaki, and he wanted to be treated like that, so I complied and took advantage of his desires. I was satisfied in many ways, and able to vent anger and frustration toward an appropriate target. He benefited with his desires being met, and I benefited through them."
"Wanted?" Rose said now, frowning and looking at him. "He was a child. He didn't want you to do something like that."
"He was thirteen and knew what he desired already, if that isn't evidence of his monstrous nature, I don't know what is," Isshin said with a sigh. "You'll understand. He'll try to get what he wants out of you now that he's here without me to sate his desires. I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't already tried to get one of you to bed him or to abuse him."
"If he did, it would be because you trained him to desire it," Konohamaru said with a shake of his head. "You believe that he would have had these desires if you hadn't forced them on him, and that is evidence of your own lack of understanding. He has no understanding of healthy relationships between people because you have denied him since the beginning. You are the monster here, Isshin Shiba."
"Enough." The Sou taichou stood. "Isshin Shiba. You are hereby sentenced to the Maggot's Nest. Your crimes against a child, and a Shinigami, are enough to warrant this. As a previous captain of the Gotei 13, you should have been held to a high standard. This is the end of this meeting."
The Sou-Taichou stood and left, the rest filing out after him. Two guards came and escorted Isshin out of the room and toward the Maggot's Nest. As they neared the path to the entrance, the guards sensed someone approaching, but they didn't expect to be attacked from behind. Once they'd fallen, Isshin turned and smiled at his son, who stood over the two unconscious men, panting and looking at him. Isshin held up his bound wrists and Ichigo cut the binding, allowing Isshin to remove the collar himself. He smiled at Ichigo.
"What are you doing? You have to get away. They'll come throw you in there! Go to the Rukongai, go hide!" Ichigo said, looking around but not sensing anyone approaching yet. "You're a captain level, you can do that, you can hide yourself," he said.
"Why should I?" Isshin said with a smile. "Since you are now a fugitive too. Come with me, son. You can't go back, you've freed me, after all. They'll throw you in there too," he said and reached a hand toward Ichigo.
Ichigo hadn't thought of that. It had been surprisingly easy to get out of Kuchiki manor. He had only to walk the house until he saw one of the servants leaving. They weren't the most observant individuals, he found, because he slipped right out past the cook's assistance into the back. He'd vaulted the fence and took off toward the Maggot's Nest as soon as he hit the ground. Now his father wanted him to come with him, to escape the people that wanted to punish him. Ichigo knew he was right. Of course, they'd punish him too. Why wouldn't they? They'd sent Isshin to the Maggot's Nest, and that meant they didn't intend for him to come out of it.
He didn't think further, just reached out and took his hand. He didn't hear the shout as Isshin grabbed him and took off in a Shunpo with him. When the world stopped moving, they were standing in an area Ichigo vaguely remembered as where the Shibas had been when he'd come to Soul Society the first time. Isshin still clutched one of his hands as he moved Ichigo to face him.
"Ichigo, my son," Isshin said and looked at him. "Have you been worried about me?"
Ichigo nodded. "I knew they'd put you in the Maggot's Nest. I can't let you go there. You don't deserve to go there for something like this. It isn't fair."
"Son, you know that it is where I should be. Or is it?" he said as he reached out and grabbed the back of Ichigo's head by his hair and twisted his head back. "Or is it that you need me to do this, to hurt you?"
"Yes," he said and felt a surge inside him and he gasped. "But he… Stop, please. He doesn't like it. He's so angry, Pop. He'll do something…"
"Let him come out, then, Ichigo. Let the monster out. He wants to kill me, doesn't he?" Isshin said, and despite the attempt to keep it out of his voice, a slight tremor took it. This is what he wanted, after all.
"No, Pop, I can't. I don't want to let him out, please…" he trailed off. "I can't stop him anymore, not after he…he…saw everything I had hidden from him…"
"Let him come out so I can see the thing that I saved Masaki from," he said, twisting Ichigo's head enough that he yelped from the pain lancing through his neck. "Or I'm going to keep going until he comes out."
Ichigo's eyes went wide. "I don't have…Pop, I can't control him enough right now…too much has happened, he's too strong right now, so…don't…"
Ichigo's head was released suddenly and he was on his knees from two hard strikes to his stomach. He was holding on to his control as he gasped. He could bear it without Shiro taking over. The next motion, when Isshin grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face forward into the ground, though, shook his control and he felt Shiro clawing to the surface. He breathed heavy breaths as he tasted blood from his mouth and nose and almost didn't feel Isshin's hands on his sides, sliding up under the Kusodo. He yelped as one of those hands moved and slammed into his ribs a few times before he was thrown onto his back. He tried to focus instead on the blue of the sky to force things out of his body.
"Pop!" Ichigo gasped as he felt his obi being untied. "Stop, I can't hold him if you…" he gasped as he tried to keep Shiro at bay but one of his eyes was already bleeding into the black and gold.
Ichigo was so focused on his inner battle he actually did cry out in shock when Isshin forced himself on him suddenly. Somehow, while he was distracted, Isshin had gotten through his hakama enough for it. That shattered the last shred of control Ichigo had over Shiro and he arched, white frothing from his mouth as he released a pulse of hollow tinged reiatsu. Shiro was summoning for help, even if Ichigo didn't know it. Ichigo believed that Shiro was impervious to fear; he didn't understand that anything that put his King in danger scared him beyond belief. Isshin smiled as the half mask formed over Ichigo's face and the black and gold eyes fixed on his own.
"Yer dead."
Isshin nodded, hands still clutching Ichigo's hips as he leaned over him. He smiled at him. "I know."
Ichigo's gloved hands reached up, grasping at Isshin's throat as black claws extended from his fingertips. "Ya knew if I got out I'd kill ya. That's what ya wanted," Shiro growled, his hands inches from ripping Isshin's throat out. He hesitated only because he knew that Ichigo would be distraught at Isshin's death. Their inner world was already half frozen over now. Shiro knew that it would freeze completely once he did this.
"Of course, fitting, you are the beginning of my world, the one who brought me Masaki, and now you are the ending of it," Isshin said, not moving as he felt the body under him tremble with rage.
Ichigo's body was in an awkward position, but it didn't matter to Shiro. "I almost don't want to, because it's gonna kill the King, and ya know it, ya bastard."
"I know. What's been done, there will be no undoing," Isshin said with a sigh. "He'll look for someone else to abuse him and sate him. I trained him well, so well that I couldn't even bring his rage to kill me without your help. It's okay, though. That's daddy's good boy," Isshin said.
At those words, Ichigo's whole being shook, and those clawed fingers slipped through soft flesh, ripping through it easily to slice the veins and arteries of Isshin's neck. More than flesh, though, Shiro's claws rent the other man's very soul to its core in a way that only a hollow would be able to do. This was not a death that would lead to another life, and Isshin had known it. Isshin gasped and gargled as blood exploded from him. Immediately, Ichigo's mask shattered and his eyes faded back to normal and he shrieked at the sight. Ichigo reached up and tried to staunch the blood that was raining down on him. Isshin smiled as his arms shook where he held himself over Ichigo.
"Good boy," he managed and pitched forward on top of Ichigo.
Ichigo cried out again, shoving his body off of him and scrambling out from under his body. "No!" he said and stared at his bloody hands, the tips of the gloves ripped open from the claws Shiro had used. "No, how could you…how…how…"
"Ichigo!" he heard and looked up to see Renji kneeling there. He stared dumbly at him and he heard other people.
"I…I…I killed him…" Ichigo whispered. "I…how…how…I didn't…but…Shiro…he…"
"Ichigo, are you hurt?" Renji asked, shaking his shoulders hard. "Is this blood all his? What…"
Renji glanced over where Unohana and Byakuya had checked on Isshin's body. He was very much dead. They'd responded when they heard that Ichigo had tried to help Isshin escape, and had just barely seen Isshin leave with him. Ichigo's burst of hollow tinged reiatsu had alerted them to where they'd gone. The three of them had come upon Isshin's body, bled out completely, and Ichigo sitting nearby mumbling to himself, his clothes half off of him and covered in blood.
"I told him no, to stop…" Ichigo said, looking up with desperate eyes at Renji. "I couldn't stop Shiro from coming out if he did that…but…he wanted him to come out…he knew he was going to kill him, why...why would he do that…why would he make me kill him…I didn't want to kill him…I wanted him to run, to hide away, but he made Shiro come out, and I killed him!"
"Oh, Ichigo," Renji said and knelt and pulled him against him. "Don't blame yourself, please, calm down, okay?"
"I loved him," Ichigo gasped and clutched Renji. "And I killed him! I killed him and I loved him and I was a good boy, he said so…why would he want me to do that…I…I…"
"Come on, can ya walk?" Renji asked as he held him as tightly as he could.
"I killed him…I killed him…" he repeated.
"Take that as a no," Renji said as he let go of him enough to reach under him and scoop him up, letting him cling to his neck. Renji looked at Byakuya. "I'll take him back," he said as he disappeared in a Shunpo back to the manor.
Unohana stood up and sighed as some others from the fourth came to retrieve the body. She turned to Byakuya. "To make Ichigo kill him with his own hands…" she whispered.
Byakuya nodded. "There was something very wrong with Isshin Shiba. I only hope that we can help Ichigo get through this."
-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-
Once Ichigo was back at the manor, they quickly realized that he was far from okay. He wouldn't talk, wouldn't move. Over the next three months, he just sat in his room, occasionally rocking where he sat, holding his hands in front of him and staring at them now and then. Rukia, Renji, and the others looked after him, or tried to do so. He refused to leave the room, and he would simply sit and stare. No one had succeeded in convincing him to eat, or even drink. It had gotten to the point that there was a debate as to what to do.
Then, as suddenly as his silence and disconnection descended, it was gone. Ichigo got up one morning and was standing outside in the gardens looking at butterflies that were fluttering around the new blooms. Rukia was surprised, but carefully approached him where he stood.
"Ichigo?" she asked. They had lifted the restrictions on his movement; with Isshin dead, there was no reason to think Ichigo would run away. Though in the last three months, he hadn't even tried to leave his room to go into the garden just outside of it.
He turned and smiled at her. "Rukia," he said. "I want to go train with the eleventh, do you think they'll let me?" he asked.
At first, she wasn't sure what to say. "I think that Zaraki-taichou would be happy to let you train with them. How are you feeling?"
"Weak," he answered, picking at the edges of his Kusodo sleeves. "I need to train again. I can't be this weak."
"What about-" she started.
"No, nothing else, I just want to train again," he said and turned on his heel to go back into the house. Rukia was worried, though. There was simply no way he was suddenly fine after three months of being catatonic.
Despite this, she spoke with her brother, and Byakuya arranged to have him go train with the eleventh each day. Byakuya sent Renji, though, to watch, telling Ichigo that Renji needed to work on some of his fighting skills anyway. Renji knew the real reason, and went with him each morning. What he found was that Ichigo would push himself to pure exhaustion, training to the point that anyone else wouldn't be able to hold their Zanpakutō let alone fight. When they got back to the manor, Ichigo would fall into a dead sleep and wouldn't speak to anyone then, or upon waking. He still ate very little, claiming he had no hunger these days.
After another long day at the eleventh, Renji collapsed into a seat near his captain. "Taichou, I can't do this much longer, I'm all for training, but this is ridiculous. He's gonna kill himself."
"What is it that he is after?" Byakuya asked.
"I don't know, he has been over to the fourth several times, he just seems to be tryin' his best to get hurt. Like just what he did today with Ikkaku…" he said with an exasperated sigh.
"What was that?" Byakuya asked, curious.
"He taunts whoever he's fighting. I mean, I know he's a mouthy brat, ya? But this… It's like he's trying to work them into a rage enough that they go all out on him. Then he says stuff sometimes and I dunno what to think of it."
"What do you mean, 'stuff'?" Byakuya asked, frowning and looking at them.
"Just…like…if it was someone but him it might be less…weird."
"Abarai, say what it is plainly and stop speaking in circles," Byakuya said with an arched brow.
Renji licked his lips. "Like, he told Ikkaku that if he could take him down, he might give him a reward, and Ikkaku laughed about it, but you know, there was something there, something…not about fighting."
"Has he said something like that to you?" Byakuya asked seriously.
Renji tried to hide the rush of blood to his cheeks. "A couple times, just odd things I never thought he'd say. Like I pinned him, not thinking, ya know, and he just grinned at me and asked if I wanted to continue in private, and then laughed, but I don't think he was jokin'." Renji sighed. "Dammit, Taichou, what I want and what I know I should do are two different things." He set his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. "I wanna show him that I care about him, that I wanna have him with me, that I…I could love him."
Byakuya sighed and nodded to him. "I know, Renji," he said, tone softening as he put an arm around his lieutenant. "I know. But he is not ready for such things."
"'Kuya? If I…mess up…is that okay?" he said softly. "I don't know that I won't."
"Renji, I don't know what will happen. I'm doing my best to avoid thinking the things that might lead to compromising situations with someone that lives under my roof and needs protection from himself most of all. I do not know where the line is. I do not know what to do that will not harm him. Otherwise, I would bring him into our arrangement, for you if not for myself," he said and pulled Renji toward him into a deep kiss.
Their arrangement was almost as old as the time that Renji had become Byakuya's fuku-taichou. It had been Renji's choice when Byakuya made the proposition based on traditional roles of superior and subordinate also being lovers. It was a well-known secret in most corners that Byakuya had taken Renji as a lover as well as his lieutenant. It was much the same type of secret like that of Jūshirō and Shunsui being lovers, or more like partners. What wasn't known, of course, was the long-time interest Renji had in Ichigo, and Byakuya's own fascination with the fiery substitute Shinigami that was able to best him. Jūshirō and Shunsui had not been the only ones among the Gotei 13 that had been drawn into Ichigo's powerful personality and passion.
Nearby, Ichigo had woken and wandered the house as he often did at night. He stood quietly, watching as Byakuya and Renji progressed from kissing to Renji straddling Byakuya where he sat and riding him with abandon. Ichigo bit his lip as he watched their bodies writhing and uniting and wanted nothing more in that moment than to be between them. He knew they would turn him down, both of them. Why wouldn't they? He didn't deserve that sort of passion or love like they had. He didn't deserve to be treated well, to be released in passion like that. No, he was not deserving of that. He watched in silence until they fell to kissing again, panting and spent. He crept back to his room and sat down, painfully in need of his own release. He ignored it, enduring the pain and he felt tears come to his eyes.
He'd keep goading Ikkaku, he decided. Hisagi hadn't responded well, so his guess was either he was only interested in his taichou, or he wasn't into other guys. Ikkaku, though, he knew was with Yumichika. He'd thought of trying to get Zaraki's ire raised, but he wasn't sure he could get what he needed out of him. He only wanted to fight, and Ichigo needed someone to do more than that. He was going to get what he needed, one way or another. If he couldn't find someone willing to do it, he'd force someone into it. He chewed thoughtfully on his thumbnail. He could do that. Ikkaku got so swept up in fighting, he could push him. He could get him to accept the beat me and take it. Maybe it would be enough, to pretend like that. Maybe.
He felt bad, though, because he liked Ikkaku as a friend, he did, but the ones that he wanted more than that from hadn't responded to his needs. Ichigo was using him, and he knew it, but he didn't know how to even ask for what he needed. So he'd have to be satisfied with doing it this way. He hoped that Ikkaku wouldn't be too upset by what he was trying to do, as twisted as it was. But he couldn't do anything else. He had to break the ice that had covered his inner world. It was frozen solid, and the crystal butterfly was slowly dying…
Broken Ice
revulsion and spinning hate
as the world begins to revolve
and the bitterness begins to melt.
The ice has fallen downward.
And shattered like glass.
The ice has fallen downward.
And shattered like glass.
reminding and spurning love
as the world begins to turn
and the saltiness begins to melt.
The ice has fallen upward.
And shattered like glass.
The ice has fallen upward.
And shattered like glass.
envision and turning back
as the world begins to spin
and the hatred begins to melt.