Chapter Eight

Learning to Exhale

Again, the morning light streaming into the room woke Ichigo, but this time before both Renji and Byakuya. He felt good and rested, something he hadn't really felt in a long time. He laid there, one arm trapped under Renji and the other lying on top of Byakuya's arm. He was still not sure if it was a dream or not. Could he really be loved? Was it possible?

No one will love you because you're a monster.

But was he a monster anymore?

King, you have never been a monster. He was growing tired of keeping Shiro out and decided to stop. He felt the barrier crash, and he knew Shiro would know what he'd been doing now. He felt himself sink into his inner world slowly to deal with the inevitable reaction from the spirit.

"What the ever lovin' fuck did you think you were doing?" he heard as soon as his feet landed on the side of one of the buildings. He felt his feet slide a little and realized there was a sheen of ice on the building.

"I don't know exactly," he said as the space in front of him was soon occupied by his white counterpart. Then he was moving and now stood outside the house. The doorway had obviously been covered with ice which Shiro had broken through.

"Why? Why would you do something like that, why would you seek out ways to be hurt?" Shiro asked and sighed deeply.

"I don't know!" Ichigo nearly shouted. "Look, I apologized already to Ikkaku…"

"That's not the point!" Shiro was exasperated looking as he put a hand to his forehead. "You look. You keep wanting to be punished and that needs to stop. Ya aren't in need of punishment anymore than I am."

"I know. Believe me, I'm trying to convince myself of that fact! It is taking everything I have to not run from Byakuya and Renji!" Ichigo crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Shiro.

"Don't you dare run from them," Shiro snarled, grabbing Ichigo by the back of the neck and pulling him close. "They're the only thing that has been metltin' the fuckin' ice in here. You know what it is like to be near frozen for months like we were?"

Ichigo gasped and nodded at him. "I'm sorry."

"Wasn't your fault," Shiro said, surprising Ichigo. "Was mine for killin' that bastard."

"Why did you do it? I didn't want him to die!" Ichigo said, approaching the reason he didn't want to come to his inner world for.

"I had no choice! After what he was doing, and would have continued to do! He had a hold over you so strong that I, a part of yer fuckin' soul, couldn't access parts of your mind. Do you know how absolutely fucked up that is? He had you convinced you deserved to be treated so very badly. You were a child and didn't deserve any of it. Even I know it."

Ichigo wiped away tears and sighed. "But I loved him. He was my father no matter what he did," he choked out. "And you made me kill him."

"Make no mistake, I killed that man, not you." Shiro glared for a second then reached out and pulled Ichigo in to wrap his arms around him. "Remember that. I killed him. You couldn't have killed anyone like that."

Ichigo let go the hold he had on his tears and let them fall as he clung to Shiro. "But still…"

"Shush, you aren't at fault for anything," Shiro said and Ichigo felt himself come awake with a start.

"You okay, Ichi? You were thrashing in your sleep," Renji asked from beside him.

Ichigo wiped his eyes and nodded. "I was dealing with Shiro."

"How did it go?" Byakuya asked from where he stood by the doorway, already in his shihakuso.

"He was mad, but not too bad. I asked him why he killed him." He ran a hand over his head. "We talked about that."

"You've done one thing you had to do, and now I think you need to deal with something else," Byakuya said and moved to sit beside him.

"What is that?" Ichigo asked, not sure what he was talking about.

"Deal with the World of the Living," Byakuya said, putting a hand on Ichigo's leg.

"I can't go back!" Ichigo gasped. "I'll have to talk to people about it!"

"I've talked to Urahara, and your sisters are suffering because of you running away. If you deal with the situation there, Kon can take over afterward and you can still stay in Soul Society," Byakuya stated, squeezing Ichigo's leg through the cover.

Ichigo swallowed a lump. "How do I explain my running away?"

"You'll have to figure that out, but I think this is another of those things that you need to do. Renji can go with you, and perhaps you can explain Kon to your sisters and why he's different when he's there. Urahara will help with the girls. But they miss their brother."

Ichigo knew he was right but he was still beside himself with what he'd face when he went back. He wanted to take care of his sisters but to have to talk to the police…

-oooooo -OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo stood at the senkaimon and swallowed against the ball in his throat. He was going to do it; take a few days and get to the point where Kon could take over for him. He looked at Renji beside him and grabbed his hand tightly.

"I'm gonna be here for you, the whole way, even though I'll have a mountain of paperwork when I get back…" Renji groused.

They stepped through, met by Urahara with a Gigai for Renji and Ichigo's body for him. It felt weird being in his body again. He sighed and looked at Urahara.

"I don't know where to start."

"With the girls," Urahara said with a gentle smile. "Come, they're both in the tea room."

Ichigo looked at Renji again and then followed Urahara toward the tea room.

"Girls, I have someone," Urahara said and let Ichigo come in.

"Anaki!" Yuzu screamed and was up and wrapped around him in an instant. Karin stayed back a little but she looked like she could cry. "How did you get in here? Did you come in the back door?"

"Um, I'll tell you where I've been, I promise," he said as he hugged Yuzu.

"Over three months, Ichigo! What were you doing?" Karin asked as tears started to flow down her cheeks.

"Well, three months of it, I was out of it after he died. I didn't do anything but stare at the wall, but I'm a bit better now," he told them, feeling tears of his own. "I'm sorry I worried you."

"You were somewhere else, weren't you? Where you always disappear to!" Karin accused.

"That's a story for later. For now, I need to deal with me being missing so things can go back to normal…" he whispered. He swallowed hard again and looked at Renji. How was he going to do this part?

"Come on, we're using the excuse you were with me," Renji said. "We'll tell the truth except where exactly you were."

Ichigo hugged Yuzu again and then looked at Karin. She moved up and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm just glad you're okay. I wish he hadn't died before I got a chance to tell him off."

"I have to go take care of this," Ichigo said, not wanting to do anything of it, but knowing he had to do it for his sisters.

Renji came with him and they made their way to the same police station that his father had been taken. Ichigo stood outside the door and wanted to run away again but Renji took his hand.

"I'm with you."

Ichigo swallowed and pushed open the door. He went to the front desk and saw there was an officer there.

"Can I help you?" the officer asked.

"Um, yeah, I think I was listed as a missing person and I needed to deal with it," he said, still clinging to Renji's hand. "The officer on my case was named Yana."

The desk officer looked up at him and nodded, grabbing the phone. "Give me Yana. Yeah, your missing vic just showed up. Yup. He's not alone. Okay."

He hung up the phone and looked at him. "She'll be up to get you."

Ichigo couldn't let go of Renji's hand and when he saw Yana he flinched. Renji sqeezed his hand again and Ichigo looked at him, eyes flickering between him and the female officer that he'd dealt with.

"Ichigo. I'm glad you returned. We have some questions for you." She waved him past the desk and took him toward one of the interview rooms. "Ichigo, this is Hanjin, he did the interview with your father before he died. If your friend can wait…"

"I want him to come with me," Ichigo said as he stared at the cold, empty looking room. He couldn't do this without him there. "Please."

Yana nodded. "Alright, he can stay with you."

Ichigo sat down on one side of the table and Hanjin sat on the other. Yana sat down and gave him a soft smile. "Now this will be recorded and added to the file. Obviously, since your father passed away, there is no open case and this is a formality. Where have you been for the last three and a half months?"

"W-with Renji. I w -was staying with him. I think the shock was too much and I just couldn't handle it, so I had to get away," Ichigo said with a glance at Renji. He still clung to his hand tightly.

"Alright, now we have a full confession on record from your father. In your own words, I'd like you to tell me what he did."

Ichigo swallowed and knew that even Renji wouldn't know the details he was about to reveal. "When I was ten, he hit me the first time. Then when I was thirteen, he caught me with a rather racy manga and asked if that's what I wanted to happen. I didn't, but I was thirteen and getting into exploring sex and stuff, but he decided to do that the first time. He apologized afterward and it took a while before he did something again. The drugs he took made it worse, and when he was high was the only time I was scared. He knew that he only had to mention my sisters for me to go along with whatever he said. I just wanted to make sure he didn't hurt them."

"Why did you run away after your father died?" Hanjin now asked, tapping a pen on the desk.

"I was in shock, like I said, because he was my father and I loved him and he was dead now, and I felt like it was my fault, like I had killed him myself," Ichigo said as he fought the urge to get up and leave.

"Let the record show we have written journal entries from the victim about events that took place. Hospital records confirm long term abuse of both a physical and sexual nature." Hanjin stated and looked at Yana to see if she had anything else.

"Ichigo, do you want to see a counselor?" she asked gently. "I know that you've been with your friend, but I think it might be good if you talked to the psychiatrist that works with us."

"I don't need to see anyone," Ichigo shook his head, wanting this to take as little time as possible.

"Ichi, I think it might be a good idea," Renji said with a squeeze of his hand. "You can come back and see them each week."

Ichigo could tell this was one of those things that Renji and Byakuya were going to tell him he needed to do. "O-okay. I guess I could see them."

"She's a very good therapist, and I think she can help you accept a lot of what happened to you as well as your father's unexpected death," she told him as she stood up. "Come with me, and I'll take you to meet her. She's in the office here today for another reason but she'll take time to talk with you."

Ichigo nodded and stood up, following behind her nervously. He wasn't about to let go of Renji's hand, though. No matter what, he needed a tether right now, and Renji was the only thing that was keeping him grounded and stopping him from bolting. She led them through the front to a small office off to the side. She knocked on the door.

"Enter," came a female voice from inside.

"Dr. Tani Hirayama, I was wondering if you could talk to someone from one of my cases," Yana said as she opened the door.

"Of course, I was getting ready to head back to the office, but I haven't got appointments today," Dr. Hirayama said as she looked up to see Ichigo nervously standing there with Renji. She was a short woman with long black hair put up on top of her head. She wore glasses and had dark brown eyes that reflected intelligence.

"This is Ichigo Kurosaki from the…"

"I know the case. I was told you were missing."

Ichigo nodded. "I came back because my sisters were suffering with me gone like that. So I thought I'd come and sort things out before something happened to them."

"Who is your friend?" she asked as Yana left, closing the door behind her. Ichigo glanced at the closed door and back to the doctor.

"This is Renji." Ichigo didn't explain any further, but he clutched at his hand harder than before.

"You and Renji have a relationship?" she asked, pushing her glasses up her nose thoughtfully.

"S-sort of, I guess, you can't tell anyone anything I tell you, can you?" Ichigo asked with trepidation.

"I can't, I'm a therapist not a police officer. Everything you say to me is confidential. I've worked with many people in your situation. Now, please, sit down and we'll chat just for a little while."

Ichigo and Renji noticed there were two chairs by the wall and one behind the desk. They both sat down near the wall and Dr. Hirayama sat down behind the desk.

"I understand from the case that you were a survivor of long term abuse. Can you tell me about why you came to see me?" she asked.

"Um, Yana said I sh-should," he said nervously. "And Renji agreed."

Dr. Hirayama looked at Renji and nodded. "That's good, as I'm sure you could use someone to talk to that can help you work through all the emotions you have right now. How is your grieving for your father's death coming?"

"I feel like I'm at fault for him dying, even though I know I didn't kill him," Ichigo started. "I think that if I hadn't gone to the hospital the first place, no one would have ever found out and he'd still be alive."

"But you'd also still be under his influence."

"I didn't mind that, in fact I counted on him being able to tell me what to do sometimes, and now it feels weird not to have that in my life," Ichigo spoke as his fingers began twining in Renji's and he stared at the ground.

"You loved your father very much," she observed.

"Of course, I did!" Ichigo said and looked up at her. "He was my father. I loved him like anyone would love a parent, you know. I just had a different relationship than most people. He had videos, though, that he would show me, that were like us, and I thought it was okay then because there were others out there like me. It was how he showed he loved me enough to give me the attention."

Dr. Hirayama nodded. "I'm sure any attention felt nice in your situation, even though it was abusive attention."

"He hurt me but I could take it," Ichigo said. "I could handle being the target of his anger and frustration because I got my mother killed."

"Wasn't your mother killed in a mugging?" she asked with a tilt of her head.

"Yeah, but if I hadn't been there, it wouldn't have happened, and he didn't let me forget that fact," Ichigo felt a little angry at that part all of a sudden.

"You sound upset that he blamed you. You loved your mother a lot too."

"He always said I was a mama's boy, a baby, because I cried so much, and only she could soothe me. I remember just feeling safe with her, and no one else. Maybe I knew something was wrong with him the whole time." Ichigo pulled Renji's hand over into his lap and squeezed it between both his hands.

"You havne't spoken at all about the sexual abuse, and seem to avoid talking about it."

Ichigo shifted uncomfortably and nodded. "I don't want to talk about that part."

"It is going to be a part of the healing process to confront it, as hard as that will be," she said and took off her glasses as she spoke.

"I know, but…but…I'm okay there now."

"What do you mean?" she wondered, tilting her head to the side again, glancing at Renji.

"I mean, I don't have any problems with sex stuff."

"Ichigo…" Renji said from beside him. "You're leaving off what you did a couple days ago."

"I don't need to worry about it, it's okay now," Ichigo muttered and ducked his head.

"What did you do, Ichigo?" she asked him, her dark eyes seeming to pull the information to the surface of his mind.

He spoke before he thought. "I tried to get a friend to…to…take me roughly."

"That's an understatement. He tried to trick a friend into raping him." Renji arched a brow at Ichigo.

Ichigo shifted again. "I don't like you putting it that way."

"It is what happened." Renji wasn't going to let him off the hook.

"How would you put it, Ichigo? What happened?" the doctor asked with a look on her face that didn't have judgement in it.

Ichigo sighed. "I had told him that I was going to play a game and say no when we got alone. I told him I wanted him to take it from me and that it was just a game. When it started, I didn't want to do it anymore, and he kept going like I'd told him. Then Renji intervened and…" he stopped and didn't know what to say then. Then he went back and got my first blow job from the guy sitting next to him?

"Are you in a sexual relationship with Renji, Ichigo?" she asked.

"I don't think that matters…" Ichigo said and wondered why she was so insistant on talking about it.

"Ichigo, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this and some people engage in risky sexual behaviors. I think with what you tried to do to this other friend of yours that you might be at risk for doing that. However, if you have a relationship that keeps you from going to others and having casual sex and possibly dangerous sexual encounters…"

"Okay, okay, yes," Ichigo said and sighed. He swallowed. "Is that enough about that?"

"There's something you're not telling me about this relationship." She picked up her glasses and put them back on.

"Um, there's a third in our relationship, and he's older," Ichigo admitted, not knowing why she could get this information out of him.

"I see. How does this three person relationship make you feel?"

"Like they're going to figure out I'm worthless and send me away," Ichigo admitted.

Renji turned to him and put his arm around his shoulders. "We'd never do something like that. We told you we wanted you and we're not going to back out of that."

The therapist smiled. "You don't have a very high value on your self-worth, and that is not unusual for someone that's been a survivor of child sexual abuse. I want you to know that what you are feeling isn't unusual, Ichigo. And you're a survivor, not a victim. You need to frame it that way so that you can understand that you are going on. Your father shouldn't have ever touched or hit you."

"But I got to where I wanted it, isn't that messed up?" Ichigo told her.

"You were being told you wanted it. You were in no way able to consent at the age thirteen. You were a child."

Ichigo swallowed, not sure he understood the way she was talking about this. But if he wasn't the only one, maybe it wasn't so wrong to feel the way he did. "I miss him," he said and felt tears come to his eyes. "I miss him and that's messed up. I should be glad he's gone."

"What you've gone through is horrific, and you need to understand it is okay to miss your father and to have loved him despite what he did to you. Those feelings are normal and may stay around. Or they may fade and you may become angry. There is no right way to feel."

Ichigo nodded and wiped the tears away. "I think I understand."

"I'd like to see you once a week," she said as she pulled out a card from her pocket and wrote down a time and date a week from then. "I must get back to my office. I have a number on there and if you need anything at all before you visit, just call me."

Ichigo and Renji got up and bowed to her before they headed out of the small office and out into the main room. He felt eyes on him immediately as Yana came back over to escort them out.

"You think he ran away because he was guilty?" he heard a low voice say.

"Why else would he run away and only now come back. There's no way Dr. Kurosaki did what they said. I think he made it up."

"But they got a confession from the man himself…"

"Who knows maybe he confessed to keep up the illusion and protect the boy."

"And the rape kit they took?" a new voice.

"Mistake in processing when they rushed it through."

"I think he probably enjoyed what happened and that's why. Consenssual is possible."

Ichigo wouldn't have heard it if he was a normal human but now that he had, he heard whispered conversations all around him. There was a second thought in his brain that he had imagined everything. Yana was talking to him and he missed what she said.

"What is it?" he asked again.

"I said to call me if you need anything," she said as Renji and Ichigo left the police station.

"There, now you've settled things here until next week," Renji said with a smile as he took his hand and squeezed it.

Ichigo's head was a mess though. He kept thinking about how people thought he was lying and that he'd made it all up. There was so much happening in his head right then. "Let's go see my sisters again."

They made their way back to Urahara's place and found both girls waiting for him. "How did it go?" Karin asked.

"As expected," Ichigo muttered, feeling doubtful about many things now.

"He's going to come back once a week to see a therapist, and Kon can take over the rest of the time," Renji said, getting a glare from both girls.

Urahara sighed. "I think it is time to let Karin and Yuzu in on the truth about everyone. You head back, I'll handle talking to them."

Renji nodded, going to the back room to deposit his Gigai and Ichigo's body in the room in the back. As they stepped through the senkaimon, Ichigo kept thinking about what he'd heard. There was no way a normal human would have heard what they said. What if Byakuya and Renji thought the same thing? What if they felt like he had lied or wanted what happened? He didn't want them to get disgusted with him, especially now that Renji had heard more. He knew what he needed to do to make sure he wasn't left alone. He had to be a really good boy.