PRESENT September 2018
Olivia
The light bulb flickered before burning bright. The x-ray waved before settling on the warming surface. If I knew what I was supposed to be seeing it wouldn't have annoyed me some much nor would the dopey doctor.
I'm freaking sitting here in a paper thin gown freezing my ass off and all he is doing it looking the black and white picture nodding his head. Asshole.I swing my legs back and forward showing my grow impatience with his nodding head.
"Just what I thought." The doctor turned to me, like I know what he's talking about. "Your heart is no good."
"Thanks for breaking it to me lightly." I snap back at his nonchalant tone. He looks at me like a disappointed father. I try another avenue, "so how do we fix it, pills, shots, change in diet, because money is not a problem."
He doesn't respond, like I didn't just say something. He walks over to the little table sitting on the black stool that has to be too low for comfort. "I think we are bit pass that."
"You think or you know?" Good you are annoying. I've always hated when people did that. It's like they are too good or busy to respond to a simple question. I really do hate that. I mean I've done it but that's different. I really hate that.
"I'll have to run some more test but it seems like you are in the later stages."
"Late stages of what?" My voice rises in annoyance. If this had been earlier in life I would have already given him new one. The new calmer me is present.
"You are in the late stages of congestive heart failure."
All the oxygen is sucked out of the room as I come to term with what he said. "I'm dying." It was almost a laugh. And for a second I want to laugh and never stop. But I don't I get a hold of myself before I laugh or cry myself to death.
"Well yes. Your heart is not doing its job. If you look at the x-ray, you'll see it's twice the size of a normal heart. It's working itself hard but it still not delivering enough blood throughout the body." He studies what I presume to be my chart as he talks.
"Wait," I clear my throat still not believing "no this can't be. I felt fine a couple of weeks ago. I've just been stressed because of business." I argue with the doctor. I studied the x-ray, it does look funny. I need a second opinion. Yea that's what I need. This asshole wouldn't know a hole from his ass. That's what I'll do get a second opinion to tell me different.
"Correct me if I'm wrong. You've been feeling tired, having chest pains, you've fainted once or twice, short of breathe plus coughing and to top it off you have been feeling as if your heart was beating too fast. Am I right?" I nod and his face takes on a smug sense of accomplishment that I want to knock off as soon as it appears.
"Yes, but that is because of the stress. I haven't been getting enough sleep or eating enough." What is it going to take to get it through his head, it's just stress.
"No its not, you wake up in the middle of the night because you probably stopped breathing. You're not eating because you're tired all the time. And you're tired because your heart is failing." He turns back to the chart. "I see here you are a cocaine addict."
"WAS." Somehow I knew it would come back to that. I always did. I really did, I just hoping I had done some good to offset it. Karma and all that hocus pocus.
"Have you ever overdosed?"
"Twice, but it was never life threatening." I play it off, knowing he's not buying it.
"Did you drink too?"
"Sometimes." All the time.
"Mmm Hmm." His pen scratches fiercely on the paper. "That will do it. Mixing cocaine and alcohol creates another drug called cocaethylene. It forms in the liver. Not much is known about it but that could be the cause of your condition. Like I said we will have to run more test."
"Test."
"Yes, test. When is the last time you used?"
"About ten years ago, give or take." Give or take a few years.
"Good, I'm going to put you on the transplant list immediately. You have a rare blood type that could work for you or against you." He continues to write.
"Wait, no. I don't want to be on a transplant list. I want you to fix MY heart." I beat my chest like an angry ape. It sounds childish even to me, but there is no other way to put it.
"At this point I don't think that is an option." He closes the chart, swiveling in his chair to face me.
I can feel my anger rising, at both of us. "How… I mean how much time do I have?" This diagnose is going to hurt my family, especially Natalia.
"Without treatment, one years at the most, 6 months at the least. With the transplant you could have longer productive life. Provided your body takes the heart." He gives me a solemn look, like I'm already dead. "Do you have anyone you want to call before we start the test?"
"No, I'm not taking any test okay." I hop off the table and gather my clothes. "I want a second opinion before I do anything else. Thank you for your help." I walk into the small bathroom to get dressed, before I break down.
Natalia
I sit at the table watching the children eat. Rafe is on his second plate. Human garbage disposal, teenagers.
Emma sits between our seven year old twins, Alexander and Alexandra. Every once in awhile I look at Olivia's chair. She's started coming home late or not at all. I don't say anything but they children already know something is off. The routine has been broken.
"Ma?" Spaghetti sauce comes out of Rafe's mouth as he speaks.
"Rafe what have I told you about talking with your mouth full." I chastened him.
He swallowed the food, "Sorry, where is Olivia?" He raises his eyebrow like he is daring me to lie as if he knows where she is.
I hate it when he calls Olivia by her first name. It's the first sign of an argument on its way. The second in his eyes. I don't know what's got no him lately but every time I turn around he's into something. "Work, she'll be home in a little." I get up from the table putting the empty dishes in the sink "Has everyone finished their homework." I turn around to see 3 heads nod. "Rafe?"
"I'm going to do it."
"Rafe you have been in the living room watching TV all evening and your homework is not done." School was beginning to be a daily struggle for him. He picks his senior year to let his grades drop.
"Ma I said I was going to do it. God, get off my back." He flopped back in his chair. His eyes full of defiance, daring the world to object to his way of doing things.
I object and I'll keep objecting. I refuse to let him end up like his father. "No Rafe I will not let you do this. From now on homework is to be done before the TV is turned on. And I have had it up to hear with your attitude young man." I crossed my arms, Rafe mirrors my movement. I hate fighting with him when Olivia is not her. He listens to her without argument. She's still Wonder woman. And who am I, just his mother. And he's still a child, just looking for his next adventure or waiting at the front door for his second Mom to come home so he can talk her ear off.
"Whatever." He says.
I watch as he heads for the kitchen door.
"And where do you think you are going?" I hear Olivia say, glad that she's finally here.
"Out." The states as if it was the answer to all the questions.
"Get upstairs right now and do as your mother said." Olivia's voice left no space for arguments.
"Whatever." Rafe turns and heads up stairs. He stomps up ever step, slamming the door to his room.
Olivia sways a little, catching herself on the door frame. And there is my second problem rearing its ugly head. And I'm no closer to solving it than I am my own son's attitude
Olivia
"Olivia, are you okay?" Natalia looks me up and down. "You look a little pale."
"No, I'm fine, just a hard day at work." I make my way over to the table and sitting in Rafe's vacate chair.
"Hi Mom." Alex is always the first to greet me. Lex signs 'hi mom'. Her signed language had got much better in the last months.
"Hi babies, what's up Emma?"
"Nothing, I got an A on my spelling test." The nine year old played with the remainder of her spaghetti.
"That's very good baby girl. We'll have to celebrate this weekend." Natalia puts a plate of food in front of me.
"Oh, thank you Angel but I'm not hungry." The smell of the food makes me nauseous. For the last couple of months my appetite had diminished. The expansion of the Beacon was taking its toll on me. Now I finally know why or maybe not. I still have to get that second opinion.
"Olivia you have to eat. You're losing weight." Natalia's ever motherly presence waiting for me to eat; she hovers twisting the towel in her hand.
"What's the problem with Rafe today?" I try to change the subject, pushing the plate farther away.
"I don't know. He's not doing his homework and I think he's skipping class." Natalia hands play with the towel, now. Rafe is starting to hang with the wrong crowd. He is bound to get in trouble.
She walks back to the sink, filling it with hot water. I look at her back. He shoulders are filled with tension. I know she still feels guilty about Rafe childhood.
I rub Alex's head as he sucked in a spaghetti noodle.
"I'll go talk to him." With a lot effort I rise from the table and walked out of the kitchen.
Natalia
I watch as Olivia unsteadily makes her way out of the room. I turn to the sink not wanting the children to see me cry.
"Ma?" Emma comes to stand beside me.
I turn my head quickly wiping away the tears. "Yes baby?"
"Are you crying?"
"No baby. The onion from earlier are still on my hands, that all. Now go finish dinner so everyone can take a bath and get ready for bed."
Olivia
I only make it half way up the stairs before having to lean against the wall to catch my breath. My eyes were too unfocused to see the steps; I know them by memory now. I use the wall for support the rest of the way up. When I get to his door I knock before entering. I push it open when he doesn't answer.
He lays on his bed reading a book or pretending to read. "Rafe?"
He sits up on the bed as I enter the room. I throw some of his dirty clothes out of the chair so I can sit.
"What?"
"Don't take that attitude with me. I just came to see what was wrong." The room starts to spin. I try to focus on Rafe, I just can't figure which one of them is real.
"I don't know. I just…" I hear him say before I start to pass out. 'Thump'
I jump at the loud noise. His book lies on the floor at his feet.
"Look I'm trying to do what you told me to. So, if you could leave so I can study." Rafe flops back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
I don't have the strength for this fight. "I'll talk to you later, but you need to get rid of this mood. You're mother is worried about you." I get up from the chair and stumbled down the hall to our room. Before she could turn down the covers, the darkness creeps from the corner of my eyes swallowing the light.
Natalia
I cleaned up the kitchen and put the children to bed. When I walk in our room, I find Olivia lying across the covers. This wasn't the first time I've come in to find her sleeping in her clothes on top of the covers. God baby what are you doing. I crawl onto the bed beside her. My hand smoothes the hair from her still beautiful face. I lie beside her for a few minute just listening to her soft breathing, something that has always lured me to a dreamscape. I get off the bed and called the only other person who could help. "Hey Doris, she's passed out again. I know he's back again."
Rafe
Who am I? That's what the stupid paper was about. I did it to the best of my ability. I told the truth. I am Raphael Rivera the screw up. Ever since I was born I've been screwing up. My so called father didn't want me and then my Ma didn't want me. So I lived with my grandparents who didn't want me. No matter where I when people argued about me. Asked why I had to stay with them, why couldn't I go home? I couldn't go home because my parents knew from the get go I would ruin everything.
My whole life up to a point was me falling into the hands of someone who didn't want me. Into the hands of people who looked at me funny, people who ignored me because they silently wished me away.
Then one day a person comes and catches me. Yea someone caught me on purpose. For what reason I don't know but they kept catching me. And still somehow I almost ruined that person.
I used to be superman now I'm Ultra Man or who ever. I'm not even Rafe.
No I'm Raphael Rivera the one with the genius little sister, who's really smart and can do no wrong, the adopted little sister who is smart too and can scream louder than the earth itself. Then there is my adopted little brother who is the perfect little gentlemen, he ain't that smart but he can make everyone laugh, he can learn to be smart; there is still time and he is my Ma's second chance at having the son she always wanted.
Yep that's me the oldest and the most disappointing. Even when I try to give in a do wrong I still can't pull it off. I always get caught. Always.
I'm back outside principal's office for the second time this week and it's only the third week of school. Last time it was for fighting this time I got caught sneaking back onto campus. I knew I shouldn't have come back. I just hope she doesn't call Olivia. I told her to call Remy, maybe he will take it easy on me.
I take a quick look out the window to see the devil herself. How did I know? Here she comes. That vain in her forehead is visible for yards away. I know she's mad. I slump backing my chair waiting for all hell to break loose.
Surprisingly she strolls right past my chair and into the office. Without even a glance my way she closes the door. There is still time to run away. I think I have enough in my bank account to make a pretty good life in Mexico. Maybe start a new life as a farmer, a car repairer, or get a piece of the drug cartels.
The door opens pulling me out of my daydream of running with the drug cartels. Again she doesn't look at me. "Let's go." Is all I get as she walks pass.
The principal stands at the door with her smug grin. I give her a dirty look before leaving. She doesn't like me and everyone knows it. It's always Rivera this or Rivera that. Fucking bitch gets on my nerves, someone needs to put her in her place.
I follow Olivia out to her car.
"I'm going to drive myself home." Hoping she will have calmed down by the time we both get home. I sure as hell don't plan on going straight there.
"NO, get in the car right now." Olivia's jaw is clenched so tight all the words run together.
"Fine." I open the door to her car, slinging my backpack in the back seat. I sit in the car by myself. I'm sure she outside trying to calm down or just thinking of a creative way to punish me.
I don't think Olivia has never spanked me or even tapped my hand as punishment even when I deserve it. And right now I'm a little scared when she gets in I'm going to be fighting for my life. It's just this feeling of death swooping over the car.
Today, she had an important meeting with the hotel managers. But she was the only one available. Ma went to Florida to check on a woman and her children who left the safe house last week.
When she finally gets in my anger has dissipated. I'm left feeling, I don't know.
She drives to the park, the last place I expected us to end up. She gets out of the car slamming the door shut.
I sit in the car, my anger at her flaring back up. I can still remember happier time, like when she proposed to Ma. The time we went ice skating and she dislocated her shoulder when I fell when she tried to catch me.
I get out of the car following her to the bridge over the stream. She's leaning against the rail with her head hanging down.
I keep a couple of feet between us leaning with my back on the rail.
"What is your problem?" She doesn't sound mad anymore, just deflated.
"You." I didn't mean to say that. It slipped out. She's not the problem. I think she's the only one who can actually fix it, whenever I find out what it is.
Her head pops up staring at me in disbelief. "Me?"
I shove my hands in my pockets, looking away from her hurt eyes to the sky. Acting nonchalant is harder than I make it look.
"Rafe I've done everything I could for you. I give you money. Any car you've ever want I got it for you, even when you weren't old enough to drive." Her voice gets louder and louder. They start to penetrate the armor I have carefully constructed like mosquito stringers through skin, "I listen to you, and talk to you. What do you want from me? I love you like you were mine."
"But I'm not yours, okay. You're not my mother or my dad." I scream back at her. I hate feeling like this. The tears sting my eyes and I angrily swipe at them. "I don't need you or want you here."
"God, Rafe. You don't know how disappointed I am in you." Her voice is back down to a whisper. She turns away from me, wiping at her own tears.
The words break the dam of tears I've been holding and my heart. It's the last thing I wanted to do. I never want to see that look in her eyes towards me. I never meant to be a disappointment to anyone. Then again I never mean to do anything it all just happens, Raphael the destroyer.
"Why won't you just talk to me? We've always been close." She steps into my personal space. For a second I want to push her away, and then I want her to hold me like when I was little. "What happened to us?" She's asking me like I know. I can't even tell myself how I feel.
I don't want to feel this way anymore so I start with the problem at school. "They call me names."
"What?"
"They call me names." I say louder, but I know she heard me the first time.
"Who? Why didn't you say anything?"
"Everyone, the teachers, the other kids. They call me Nicky or Nicholas Jr. They spray painted my locker, wife beater." I sniff, trying to keep myself under control; Rafe the retard, Raphael Aituro, and their favorite The Son of Sam.
"I'll talk to the teachers and if I have to I'll talk to the parents."
"That's why I skip school. They're all in my math class, always picking on me, shoving, laughing at me." Laughing at me, laughing at me. I bang the bridge rail with every word. It makes me so mad, I want to lash out. I can't even present a paper without them laughing at me.
For the first time in months all of the angry leaves as she pulls me into a hug. "You are not your father."
"I can feel it sometimes. The anger, I just want to hit something. What if I am like him, what if it's genetic?" It's strange. I'm almost a man and here I am with my head on her shoulder crying like a baby. And I don't care.
We stand there, just us in this embrace that has seemed to rebuild my soul, paving over the crack and restoring the chipped corners that every foul nickname has created. In must have been a few minutes before she said anything, I know this because the tears have long since died.
"You're not like him. He was Nicholas Aituro. You are Rafe 'Superman' Rivera, the only thing that can make you like him is you. It's up to us to control it and choose to do right. Everyone has it in them to do bad things."
"Like you."
She pulls back, looking a little shaken. "Yeah like me." She leans against the rail beside me. I mimic her movement. I remember I used to do that all the time. I used to study her and practice the movement in the mirror, movements that I had learned till they became my own.
"I did it for us. You, me, your mom, Emma."
I really don't care why she did it, I'm just happy someone did. I have to say I love Olivia more than I ever wanted to love Nicky.
"You remember when my mother came to visit."
"How can I forget?"
"See, I could have ended up like that. Bitter and hateful and I almost did. You and your mother changed that for me. I decide t take real control of my life, that's what you have to do."
"I didn't mean to disappoint you. I just wanted to get away from it."
"I still love you with all my heart don't forget that." Olivia pushes away from the banister pulling my head down placing one single lonely kiss on my forehead. It almost feels like a goodbye. "Give me some time; I'll see what I can do about the school, but no more skipping…maybe you can get a job for school credit."
"Are we cool?"
"Almost but I'm telling your mother and your grounded until further notice."
Damn I knew that was coming.