the characters are not but all mistakes are mine

PRESENT October 2018

Olivia

"So how long has this been happening and I want the truth."

I swing my feet of the side of the table tying the paper thin gown. I would think a woman with a good practice could afford better patient gowns.

I've always thought doctors were just perverts who like to see people's asses. Why else would they get gown like this, beside the fact that they can rip out easily in an emergency, but that is besides the point.

"Olivia?"

"Oh, um. I don't know a couple of months maybe longer, depends on which symptoms you're talking about." My back straightens at the cold touch of her stethoscope.

And why are they always cold especially the things they insist on touching you with.

"Relax and take a deep breathe."

That's easy for her to say she's not freezing her nipples off.

"Another."

Her cold hands creep up my back to my shoulders. "What happened here?" She fingers the faded mark of Natalia.

"Bite mark."

She laughs like she knows how embarrassing it is to explain it every time I have an examination.

"Mmh, Territorial?"

I bit my lip to keep a laugh in, yes she is.

For the third time since last month, a doctor explains what they found on the x-ray. Dr. Rooks points out the same thing. Enlarged heart, failing, death.

So this is it. After a month of being on four different types of medicine not much has changed. The pain has lessened, I have a little more energy and I've come to terms with this. "So what's next?" My first doctor referred me to Dr. Rooks.

He said I needed more attention the medicine wasn't working and my health is still deteriorating. I would rather stick with her anyway. She is much nicer that the other and at least she has the decency to at least seem sympathetic.

Plus she's not located in Springfield and still she's a short drive away.

"I want to start you on different medication immediately and I see you're already on the transplant list. Do you have any family you would like to come? I find it much easier on the patient if someone is here for moral support."

"Moral? You got the wrong person."

She shifts her weigh looking a bit frustrated. "So tell me now if your going to fight because if your not"

"I am…its just I haven't told anyone yet." I fix my eyes on the chart of the human body. Biology was a subject I enjoyed. I never wanted to be a doctor, playing god never excited me. I'm more of the devil, tempting people till they were as dirty as I was and move to the next.

I guess that's where karma comes to play. All the crappy things I've done have finally come to bite me in the ass. God knows I've gotten away with murder.

"Lets get some history, and I want the truth or this will never work."

I just nod. I know she already has it. Doctors just want you to recall every humiliating E.R. visit. "Where do I start? As a child I was hardly sick. My Dad died when I was 12 of a heart attack, too much drinking. My mother is somewhere on this planet still kicking. I use cocaine regularly for about 15, 16 years. More on than off, but I quit a lot. I've been clean for almost ten years but I relapsed about seven or eight of years ago, but only for about a week or two. I over doses a couple of times before and was hospitalized, with seizures. I think I stayed in the hospital for a week and a half or two weeks. I've had seizure here and there but not regularly. There's really not a pattern or anything."

"Are you only any medication for the seizures?"

"They gave me something but I don't take it."

"Ok. Anything else you want to tell me?"

"Nope, nothing else."

"Ok. Here's what we are going to do today. I want to get a stress test and an EKG to see how strong your heart is at the moment. That will tell us how much time we are working with."

"Time, uh."

"Don't worry. It will be quick and somewhat painless." She walks to the sink in the corner washing her hands. "Are you sure you don't want anyone here with you?"

"Lets just get this over with; I obviously don't have much time to waste."

"Okay do you have a regular doctor?"

"Coincidently I do know a heart surgeon?"

"And you didn't feel comfortable going to her?"

"Hell no. She'll tell her wife who will tell my wife who will freak. And I don't want her to worry before I know what's going to happen first."

"So you come to Chicago to see me?"

"Pretty much."

"I feel honored so why don't you call me Jackie."

"Jackie it is."

"So how about those test." She claps her hands.

"Just not the treadmill."

"Oh, yes the treadmill is near in our future."

Rafe

Oh yea I'm the man, I'm the man. I just aced my history test and no more maths. I don't know how Olivia did it but I get to do work release instead of a full day of school and home school math. "No more assholes. No more assholes." I sing almost skipping into the lobby of the hotel.

"Hey, Mr. Rivera."

Maria the more than sexy maid waves at me. If I were 18 I would have already hit that and if I weren't with Brittany most of the time. But I'm sure even she would excuse me for that one. "Hi, Maria." I wave at her, turning around to see her walk away. The things I would do to that woman.

"Careful young man you don't want to get her in trouble."

I turn around looking at Greg behind the desk pretending to straighten it.

Yea he wants me too, everyone does. "Yea, whatever."

"She's upstairs."

Alright up to work. After two week of working beside Olivia I finally moved up from coffee running to filing. Next month I'm sure I'll be running this place and she can retire.

Oh yea I can see it now, hot tubs every where, bikini mandatory, no men allowed except for me. Ha, I'd probably get tired of sex…nah, never.

It's not like I'm in a drought, ever since me and Brittany hooked up she all up in arms about me hooking up with other chicks, but who could blame me. I'm the son of Olivia Spencer, God-son of Doris Wolfe; I can't help it if girls and grown women throw themselves at me. I'm 17 what am I supposed to do, say no. Yea right.

If anything I'm going to be just like them. My name will be sketched on every single and married woman's headboard.

When people enter the town the first thing they'll be warned of is to watch their wife, daughter, aunt, hell when I get old grandmothers. Eww, bad thoughts, bad thoughts.

Yea but that's how it going to be. I'ma bed hop for the rest of my life and who knows maybe I'll have a son who'll follow after us or maybe Alex. Shit by the time I die the Spencer legacy will be printed on billboards.

The elevator opens up into the foyer. "Mom?"

No answer.

"Mom?" I throw my backpack down knowing she's going to fuss later about throwing it at the entrance. "Mom, I'm here. I was thinking that maybe I could conduct a staff meeting with housekeeping." But mostly just Maria, show her how to soak some sheets. "Mom?" What the hell is she doing?

I make it to the bedroom. There she is sleeping in the middle of the day. "Mom?" I walk over shaking her shoulders.

"Hm, what?" She barely opens her eyes with are blood shot. I suddenly notice she has bags under her eye and she's kind of pale despite the tan she usually wears even in the winter.

"I'm here for work."

"Okay, see if Greg needs some help I'm just going to take a nap." She rolls over without another word.

I don't want to help Greg. I wanted to work with her, were supposed to be a team, she's supposed to be teaching me how to run this place.

Her phone begins to vibrate on the night stand. I pick it up reading the screen, 'Rodney'. That fucking asshole is back in town.

No she wouldn't do that not after last time she wouldn't. Would she?

I erase all his calls and messages pulling out my own phone.

An hour later Brittany pulls up into the park with the burgers she promised. "Hey, I thought you were a working man now." She walks up trying to kiss me, but I lean back. "What?'

"Nothing." I take the burger out of her hand, taking a big bite. I thought I wanted some company but I don't. I wish she would leave now.

"What's wrong with you?"

"God! Would you stop asking me that, I said nothing!" Control it Rafe, control it. I take a couple of deep breathes. "I'm sorry it just Mo…Olivia…she sleeping in the middle of the day." I expect her to look confused but it seems like a realization hits her and she's wrong. "Don't even say it." I cut her off before she can say anything.

"Rafe" She sighs trying to figure out how to deliver bad news "you have to admit she's been acting kind of funny and I heard my Lindsey talking to Natalia-"

"Shut up." I smash the burger in my hand, the mustard and mayo drip onto my new white shoes.

"Rafe"

"I said shut the fuck up Brittany, she isn't." I throw my burger on the ground, she steps back like I'm going to hit her. I'm not, I'm not like that. Olivia told me that. Olivia told she wouldn't relapse she said she wouldn't and I believe her. I believe her!

"I didn't sneak out of school for this. I'm trying to help you."

"Leave me alone."

"Fine, but you know what Rafe. You're always claiming to be such a big man you act like a child sometimes." She points her finger in my face and for a second I think about breaking it. "She's not Superwoman, she is a human being and people slip sometimes. No one is perfect"

"Shut up Brittany!"

"Fine" She storms away to her car.

What the fuck does she knows, nothing that's what. And if Olivia did slip it's that asshole's fault or mine.

Doris

"Okay, I'm here, what's the big emergency." I sit on the couch beside Olivia, my best friend for what seems like decades. And I hate myself for it. I hate that she knows I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I hate that I can't deny her anything and I hate it because after all the shit I've dealt with, almost losing my life, freedom and over all happiness I still run to her aid. But that's what friends are for right? Plus I know she'll run to me to.

But I don't call her as much as I used to. I know she shouldn't drop everything and come to me. She has a family and as much as I try to fell like I'm part of it, I think we both know Natalia would rather me not be around.

Sure she tolerates me and I do the same but we'll forever but heads for Olivia's attention. I can't help myself, I'm an A type personality. When someone challenges me I push back and hard. I won't quit until they give up. Over the years I've always had Natalia on the ropes one punch from a knock out, one second from a tap out or one hug or kiss away from imploding. But I back off for Olivia's sake. Because no matter how many pieces I pick up I'm not that person. No matter how I pretend, I'm not a nurturer. Natalia is a natural so I let her help pick up the pieces. I was here first and I'll be here last. It's just how I am and nothing can change that.

Why? Because I love Olivia. I always have since the first time I met her in that dingy bar betting on whether I could bed her that night. And despite what everyone thinks I don't love Olivia like that. Sure the sex was good but it goes deeper that than. It's a bond that we agreed on that links us as well as Rodney. It's just a bond of family. But love is a funny thing. I don't love like Olivia does. She's always been a true romantic. No matter how many times I've tried to reason she still believes in it. It's just as well; it makes her happy to know there is something in the world beside winning and sex. It's also her Achilles heel. So that's why I grit my teeth and listen to what Natalia did this time. Because even if I don't believe in love I believe in Olivia and if she thinks it's real than so be it. I won't argue, just pick up the pieces.

"Earth to Olivia." I wave my hand in front of her face, she's barely blinked since I sat down, staring at the folder in her lap. Folders are never good.

"I love you Doris."

"Um, I already know that." I laugh nervously, because when Olivia starts a conversation with I love something bad is about to happen, so I prepare myself for it. Brave as ever. "What's wrong? Is Natalia still being stingy with the sex; because Amanda called me yesterday asking about you? So if you what a side thing-"

She gets up from her seat, pouring a glass of ginger ale for her and a glass of brandy for me.

"What are you doing, you know it's too early to be drinking." She hands me the glass clinking her with mine.

"You know what has always attracted me to you."

"My gorgeous looks." I toss my hair back, which has always been one of my best features, even with crazy colors.

She smiles, sadly. "It the way you never let anything faze you. When your parents showed up at your graduation, when your sister sends you a picture of her newborn, or even when I told you I had been raped. You never let those things bother you. You step up to the plate, hit a homerun and don't even bother to run the bases. Stoic that's what you are"

"So why are we talking about baseball instead of what's wrong."

"You're my best friend and always will be no matter what."

"Olivia?"

"That's why I'm telling you this because it's killing me literally. I thought that maybe I would just keep it to myself until I knew something more to until I just dropped one day. But I can't because it's killing me and I need someone to be there when I can't. I need some one to look after Natalia and the kids. I need you to help me."

Oh, no. When Olivia says she needs help, something is definitely wrong. I've suspected it for a couple of week now. She's been hiding in this hotel in the room, or too tired to even go to lunch with me. Hell I even get calls from Natalia asking if something was wrong.

So I'll be that stoic person she knows. We'll go to Oregon try this sobriety thing again. Get a new fresh start so she can get back to her life and I can get back to my bed with currently is occupied by a very attractive nurse.

No problem. Nope, none what so ever. We've been though this and we can do it again. "When do you want to lea-"

"I'm dying."

"What?" I clutch the glass in my hand afraid it was slipping from my grasp and that wouldn't be very stoic. Show no emotions, show none. Not the time to breakdown.

"I went to a doctor, several. They say I have a heart condition…I'm dying."

I literally see some of the weight fall from her shoulders but I feel like it jumped from hers to mine. Olivia is dying.

"I um, need you to look over some documents for me, just my will and some things." She fidgets with the folder in her hand. "I never knew how much stuff I had to tie up. All these accounts and stocks and…everything.'

Olivia is dying, that can't be right. This, the woman who has survived more than I care to admit and now…

"I know it's a lot to take in at once but I really need you."

Olivia is dying.

Shake it off. "Of course, I get right on it." I knock the whole glass of brown liquid back wanting to feel the burn. But even the burn doesn't soothe the pain of…Olivia's dying. I see the tear prick at the side of her eyes so I get up, pulling her into my arms. "It's going to be fine." I pull back. "Don't worry, I'll find the best doctor to get on it."

"You're the first to know so if you could try to keep this in the closet. I'm waiting to tell Natalia."

Olivia's is dying.

"Of course. But you probably want o start having sex with her again before she calls the national crisis center." I hold my hand up stopping whatever question. "Blake."

She nods, knowing that is all a person has to say.

It's funny how one moment you can feel so close to a person even when they are miles away but when you're in the same room they feel so far away. And I don't even want to think about time. It's a bitch and not the good kind.

Olivia is dying.

"You look tired, why don't you go to bed."

Olivia is dying.

She laughs a little. "I just woke up." She nods her head staring at the floor. "I'm so scared to sleep. Who knows if I will wake up and it's just making everything worse."

Olivia is dying.

"We're not scared of anything. It's going to be okay." Olivia is dying.

"I hope so."

Olivia is dying.

The elevator dings as the doors opens. She straightens her back a little. "So anyway, if you could get on that for me."

"No problem." I sit my glass down turning to the intruder. "Hi, Raphael."

"Hey." He grumbles.

"Rafe you're late." Olivia calls from behind me.

"Whatever." He huffs under his breathe as he walks past me.

Ah, the reason I never wanted kids, teenagers.

Rafe

"I'm not late. I came earlier and you were sleeping."

"Oh. Well I thought we would go to the office and I'd show you how to read the budget today."

"Yea that'd be cool." Shit she looks high as hell. Maybe. I don't really know what people look like high on coke, weed maybe but not coke. What the fuck is so good about the shit anyway. What the hell is that guys name at school that does it. Damn this is going to irk me.

"So you want to go now or later?"

"Later."

"You sure?"

She doesn't even look like she can get off that couch. Am I sure? Hell yea I'm sure. Why would she ask then ask if I'm sure. I can make my own decisions. "Yea."

Sidney Undra that his name, they say he's a coke head.

"You want to get lunch?"

Hell yea. When have I ever turned down spending time? Argh. God why do I revert to some little shithead around her? What is it about her? She's a fucking crack head and I'm still running to get my shoes when every time she gets up. I'm a man, a fucking man. I need to grow up. She's not superwoman or wonder woman she's not even my real parent. I just came along with the deal. "Nah I'll finish filing some papers and meet you in the office."

She slumps back against the couch cushion.

Is it me? First Nicholas. No matter how many times he yelled or called me stupid I still called him Dad. And now her. I'm not a kid anymore; I don't need people to look up to. I don't need a model. "I still want to be like you." I whisper not really meaning to say it out loud.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing." It's pathetic. Actually wanting to grow up to be like a drug addict, but I do. I gotta find Sidney's number.

Olivia

Shit I don't want to do this. I have this funny feeling this could kill me. But it's necessary. I can't have Natalia worrying about me or thinking I've relapsed.

Doris is right, if I ever want to keep this a secret I have to act like nothing is wrong. I have to start working out again and having sex with my wife like I used to. Nothing can change. There is just this nagging feeling that this could be my last rump in the sheets. My head is already hurting and my chest feels congested. Its just been one of those days

I think this whole disease is a mind over matter thing. Before I even knew what was going on I was feeling okay. Nothing like I have been feeling. Or it could be what the doctor said the progression. But I vote that I might be making it worse. Until I knew I could kind of walk up steps, I could get through sex; I could do a lot of things without the constant weight on my chest.

This is something I have to do. Something I have to do. All I have to do is keep telling myself that and I'll be okay. I'll be okay.

Slowly I push the door to our bedroom open. Natalia is already on the bed but I know she's not sleeping. If she were one arm would be hugging my pillow and the other would be hanging off the side of the bed.

"Baby?" I have to do this.

"Your home early." She flips over rises up to her elbows, starting at me with a look I can't decipher. She's either worried or mad. By the sound of her voice, she's working up to being mad.

"Yea well I missed you a whole lot." I walk to the bed trying to muster my best bedroom eyes.

"You did?" Her mood shifts a little as her voices raises an octave or two.

My eyes must be working.

"Of course and I know we haven't been spending nearly enough time to together and that's my fault." I straddle her on the bed. God I don't want to do this. "I thought I could make it right."

"Well what did you have in mind?" Her eyes are glued to my chest. Always have been.

"I thought we could go to a movie…or we could just have sex."

"Sex." Natalia says so fast I hardly finish my sentence. She rolls us so that she is on top her favorite place. "Definitely sex."

I love Natalia even more I love that she's a top. She's more like a butch that she would ever admit. I think I might actually have lead the way tonight, she like foreplay. I'm not really feeling like I can stay awake after release. If she wants to get of she'll understand…soon enough.

I guess slowly in not on her mind tonight. She has me out of my top within a few second and is working on my pants.

She kisses up my body, even after all these year igniting flames under her touch. I can already feel my heart beating out my chest. Al I have to do is make it through this and I think she'll be satisfied.

This is not going to work at all. I still have my panties on and already I can't breathe. If this keeps up I'll pass out before I can get off.

Natalia

"Yessssssssss." That was good. I tug on Olivia's hair. I can't take anymore. God the things that tongue can do to me. "You win."

"You sure." She licks on my collar bone.

I pull Olivia down on top of me. "Oh, yea!" My body already feels like jelly. I might stroke out before the fourth orgasm.

"I love you Mrs. Spencer."

I playfully tap her shoulder. "Still trying, uh?"

"Well if you would just take my name I wouldn't have to." Before I can respond she covers my mouth. "You know what forget it. No reason to start this conversation." She rolls over pulling me on top of her.

I don't know how many way I could say I love this woman. There is nothing that she wouldn't do for me or the children. I'm happy when she's happy and down when she is. And it always seems like it's me who brings her down, probably because of my constant questioning. What she holds as value is still somewhat foreign to me. If its one thing I know, I know when something is wrong. I can feel it in my heart, I just know it. And something is wrong. It's not just because of the lack of sex. It's not the disappearing, the cough, or the lack of sleep. It's everything, the little things. The way she looks at me or won't because the guilt, sense of lose in her eyes. It's the way she kisses me like she going away. It's the way she hugs me, hesitant to let go. It's just the way I feel the connection between us straining and I don't know why.

I lay my head above her breast wishing it were all in my head. I wish I was delusional or blind with jealously. Somewhere inside of me I know it's not. Something is wrong and I want to know what.

"Olivia?"

"Hmm?"

I want to ask her everything but there is a loud thumping in my ear that makes me forget everything I was going to say. "Baby your heart is beating kind of fast."

"That's just what you do to me." She wraps her arm around me puling me closer.

Slightly I pull away looking at her with her eyes closed. She looks so tried but not like last month. Last month we hardly spoke because she was so tired. I know she was busy trying to help Rodney get back on the wagon and with the hotel. I thought maybe it was all in my mind or maybe they had partied too much. That was until he disappeared again and now there is no one to blame but Olivia. "Olivia?"

"I'm not Natalia. You can test me if you want."

"NO." I want to trust Olivia. She might have given me reason in the past not to but I want to. If she says she's not than she's not.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I kiss her shoulder before lying down to drift into a restless sleep waiting for Olivia to move away. "Its not that I don't trust you-" It's too late. She's already sleeping, snoring softly, just a little louder than normal. And that's the other small thing. I know Olivia and when something is bothering her does little things to feel like she has a handle on something. I just hope that secret won't tear us apart.