Conditions of the Heart

by masterphantom05

The sequel to the Bet.

7. That Dance We Do? 2013

Warning- contains scene of sexual assualt

That Dance We Do? 2013

Natalia

It's taken me months to even begin to write this speech. It was hard, detailing my marriage to Nicky. If my speech a can help one person get out of a relationship then it was worth all the time. I ball up the 10 page speech throwing it in the trash can. It's not good enough, not detailed enough or maybe too detailed. I don't know what to focus on, recovery or the ordeal.

I hear Olivia enter the room flopping on the bed. She just returned from a trip out to the hotel in California. She hired a new manger. Tonight she was late getting home, just walking in the door not two minutes ago.

I know she is tired since she has been back the nightmares have been constant along with the headaches.

I had already put Emma to bed. But like always Rafe had to stay up to see her before he slept.

She sighs.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask out of mostly habit. I have to at least get this intro finished or I'll never be able to finish it. I put my pen to the paper letting my hand do all the work. Maybe if I free write something will sound good and I can build off of it.

"Nothing I just miss you."

I give her a quick smile.

"You need any help."

"No I think got it." Absent mindedly I scratch out the first few sentences. I slam the pen down on the notebook. God, why can't I concentrate? It's this room; it's suffocating me, draining me of any thoughts other that lying in bed with Olivia.

"Do we still have to have brunch in the morning?"

"Yes, Olivia." I get up from my seat walking over the bed, starching out beside her."We promised remember."

"No, I remember you promising while I was away." She throws her arm over my midsection.

"Like I said we. Plus if I have to go to that stupid fundraiser then I think you can go to breakfast with your friends." I kiss her before she can protest. "Anyway, about Rafe's birthday. Most of the children replied to the R.S.V.P. But I want to make sure you will be back in time."

See props herself you looking me in the eyes. "Don't worry; nothing can go wrong to keep me from coming home to you." She leans down kissing me soft leaving me hungering for more. "Plus we have a fundraiser to go to."

I groan hating those things.

"I know but we'll only be there for an hour or two."

"That's what you said last time and we were there for four hours." I pull her on top of me itching to pull our clothing off so she can make it up to me again.

"I didn't exactly hear you complaining that morning." She grins down at me, her eyes shining with lust.

I open my legs letting her body slip between them. "I wonder why."

"I would be happy to show you." Her hand slips under my shirt sending my brain into overdrive.

"MA!"

Don't do it Rafe. Go to sleep, go to sleep.

Rafe runs into our room out of breathe. "Mom!"

Damn it.

"Yea Rafe." Olivia rolls off of me, sitting up.

Rafe shifts from foot to foot in the doorway looking like a very insecure little boy.

"Come here Superman." Olivia holds her arms out for him. Like he was under a spell he glides across the floor into her arms hugging her around the neck. "Good night Superman." She kisses the side of his head, giving him one last squeeze.

Rafe takes a step back looking at us with chocolate eyes full of questions. "Do I have to go to camp? I want to stay here with you."

"Rafe you said you wanted to go to camp with Brittany. Plus we'll visit you." I answer knowing Olivia will give in to his every request. Camp will be good for him. He doesn't have that many friends at school. He needs to do more than follow Olivia around for the rest of his life.

"But I want to stay here with you." He leans into Olivia knowing she's the weak one She can't resist his eyes.

I pull him to me seeing Olivia about to break. "You will have so much fun you won't want to come home." I take a deep breathe knowing he still thinks so little of himself. "Rafe you are a smart handsome little boy who will eventually grow into a man. Everyone is not going to like you, some people might even hate you just because but you can't let those people dictate your life. I promise if you just be you, there will be kids lined up to be your friend. I'll tell you what." I turn him so he is facing me "If we call the first week and you are not having a good time we will come get you and that will be that."

He nods his head. "Goodnight."

"I love you." I say as he crosses the threshold.

"I love you too." He throws over his shoulder.

"You are way too soft." I laugh at Olivia who still looks like she is about to move earth to please him.

"Yea, let's see if you say that in an hour or so." She gets up closing the door.

OLIVIA

"Mom."

I open my eyes from a very peaceful sleep staring at Rafe. If he weren't my son I would have cussed him out right about now. But this is our time, our routine. Some of the time I meet him coming through the door from working out but most time he wakes me from a good sleep on the couch.

"Ma will be up in a little." I watch him walk away with the newspaper under his arm.

I got up at my normal time only to get dressed and in the car before calling Grace and informing her not to make the drive for my workout session this morning.

Instead I came back inside and fell asleep on the couch. Who the hell works out a 5 in the morning anyway? She gets paid either way, so it no sweat off her brow.

Somehow I manage to push myself up from the couch following him into the kitchen. I pull out the eggs and the pancake batter.

He starts the coffee maker, pulling out the bowls and plates.

As soon as the coffee is finish I pour us both a cup before joining him at the table. I read the business section as her read the comics while he sips at the hot beverage.

"Switch." He says handing me the comics and taking the business page. I watch him over the paper as he pretends to be interested in words on the page.

I can't help but laugh as he turns the page shaking his head at the lack of pictures.

"Alright let's get started."

Just like I taught him he pours out the rest of his coffee cleaning the cup and placing it back in the cabinet. Natalia doesn't like it that I let him drink it but it's our thing so I just don't do it in front of her.

I stand over the stove while he mixes the batter for the pancakes. "So your birthday is coming up pretty soon. You excited?"

"I guess." He shrugs his shoulders. "Do I still get to have my pool party?"

Last week he almost got suspended from school for fighting. Natalia threatened to cancel his party but I persuaded her otherwise. He actually has been doing much better in school. Even the teachers have noticed, but I still want to put him in private school, not only do they go to school more year round but they graduate early too.

"As long as you behave for the remainder of the school year."

"Yes, ma'am. I am." Rafe begins to crack the eggs. "I got an A on my project."

"Is that why you were fighting?"

"Billy said it was stupid that I wanted to be like you. He said you were an addict. I told him to shut up but he wouldn't." Rafe shrugs his shoulders.

"Rafe just because someone says something you don't like doesn't mean you get to him them." And there it is again, my past making it hard for my own family. If I were anyone else he wouldn't be having this problem.

"I know but he pushed me first, so I defended myself just like you taught me to. Can you show me some more moves?"

"Sure. Hand me the butter."

They only have about two week left for school then one week before heading off to camp.

"Mommy?" Emma stands in the door way with her pajamas twisted around her little body. She scratches her bottom trying to wake up.

"Hey baby girl how did you sleep?"

"Fine." She climbs into one of the empty chairs laying her head on the table.

Rafe shakes his head as she falls back asleep.

30 minutes later we are all waiting for Natalia to make her first appearance. She should be down in a couple of minutes.

"Again, Mommy again!" Emma jumps back on my back for another piggy back ride. Her heel dig into my sides. "Giddy up!"

My knees are killing me but I would do anything for my kids.

I never pictured my life turning out like this. After all the crap I put up with from myself and from others I never thought I could get my life back on track. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes feeling like this is all a dream, that one day I will wake up and it will all be gone.

It scares me to no end. I can't bare the thought of losing my wife my kids. It moments like those that I focus on being the perfect wife.

I make sure to make time for Rafe and Emma. I make sure to make it home in time for dinner. I make sure to get to every parent teacher conference and every ball game. I ask Natalia about her day and I listen. I really listen for any signs of trouble and watch for anything that I might be doing wrong that I can change. And I have, I have changed some much for her.

If she only knew how much I have changed. I look into her eyes and they hold so much love for me. That scares me most of all. Not only could this all be taken away but it could be my fault. As much as I watch my actions, my words, or my thoughts, I can't every second. All it would take is one slip and it could all be snatched away.

I wouldn't have anyone to blame but myself.

I know I woke her up last night even when I tried not to. I try to let her sleep without having to get up in the middle of the night to tend to my twisted mind. I know why the night terrors have started again and I know they will go away eventually; I just have to outlast them.

I have to remember all I could be losing; I was that close to sniffing it all up my nose on my trip.

As I round the island in the kitchen I hear the thump of hurried footsteps coming down the stairs.

Emma dismounts me as I spring up just in time to see a panicked Natalia standing at the door.

"Emma…she's…gone." Natalia holds her chest struggling to breathe.

"I not runned away Mommy. I not runned away." Emma walks from behind the counter hugging Natalia around her legs.

Natalia picks her up hugging her tight.

I smile at them. For the last couple of weeks Emma has been very explorative. She walks away from Natalia in stores or on the street; threatening to kill my wife from worry.

She knows when Natalia panics about her missing she is in big trouble. Not even her pouty face can get her out.

"Oh God I'm sorry baby girl. I didn't see you in your room I thought…" Natalia pulls Emma away from her neck checking her over. "Mommy is just having one of those mornings." Reluctantly she puts Emma down following her to the table. She sits Emma in her lap.

Rafe and I put the plate on the table full of hot food.

I sit down beside her worried about her reaction. I know she worries about everything under the sun, I just can't stand to see her so wound up over nothing. It makes me think that there is something else bothering her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine I just had a dream and Emma wasn't there. I just…" She hugs Emma closer.

I decide to let it go until we get the kids off to school. I guess I'll come home early to talk with her.

I bet this about my fantasy. I told her she didn't have to do it, but she said she would. We wrote our fantasies out at the suggestion of Lindsey. When I wrote it out I didn't know she wanted us to act on them. I just wrote some things off the top of my head that I would never ask her to do, but here we are.

I can't say I haven't been in her position about being nervous. Natalia definitely surprised me with some things on her list. I cheated and took a look at her next turn. I almost wish I hadn't, it involves almost total submission, not only that but handcuffs. We've tried something similar but I can't take it for too long. Even when the silk stalking started to get tight around my wrist I panic. I can't help it, being helpless is a fear of mine, not a turn on. At least I don't want it to be a turn on. What would that say about me?

"Olivia don't eat too much remember we are meeting for brunch."

NATALIA

The feeling of her hot breathe warming my neck is enough to send me spiraling into ecstasy with her, but I hold off.

Olivia's body clutches around my finger creating a tight silky cocoon. A deep moan from her body shakes both of us as her orgasm sets in. I want to hear her scream, I want to feel everything leave her body in one fell swoop but not here. Not in this restroom. This restroom where we have had so many quickies in is one of my favorite places, but anywhere is my favorite with Olivia.

"Baby, please." Her pleas bring me from my thoughts. I swipe my thumb over her clit feeling her body tighten even more. She bites down on my covered shoulder moaning loud enough to vibrate through my chest.

I attack her neck leaving mark after mark along the smooth column.

Olivia throws her head back trying to catch her breathe. "Oh God." I let her sag into me.

Slowly and reluctantly I extract my hand from Olivia and smooth her skirt back down.

I can't believe I just did that. We just talked about acting out in public and I go and do it. I can't help it sometimes. "I'm sorry babe." I lean my head against hers and she locks her finger behind my neck.

"Just give me a second." She clings to me, her eye still unfocused.

"No, we just talked about this and…Sometimes I just need you so much." I kiss the purpling marks on her neck, trying to sooth the burn.

"I'm not complaining." I feel her smile beside my ear.

"That doesn't excuse my actions." God what is wrong with me.

Olivia's head sways from side to side. "Your actions excuse themselves. If it were anyone else I would be might pissed off right now."

A flash of red heat travels though my body. Anyone else?

Her green eyes rake over me and I try to hide my reaction to her words. "You know there is no one else right?"

"Of course." And I do, but that little voice in the back of my head is the only thing that keeps my company late a night when we are apart and my insecurities pop up. That little voice that has recorded every overheard conversation about Olivia's past or the women who are constantly trying to get next to her. One day she might take a chance and then what. But I can only hear that little voice when I'm alone. The little voice that I ignored while things were getting worse with Nicky. It saw the first sign of trouble but I ignored it and dug myself deeper.

When we are together I mostly worry that I am not wild enough for Olivia or maybe too wild. Sure we have been working on our fantasy list and the one we are currently planning has flipped my world. It shouldn't, people do it all the time.

"Natalia." Her voice is strong while her thumb caresses the side of my face. "Is this is about that stupid fantasy?"

"I just what to satisfy you and I'm so nervous about this whole thing…but I just needed to feel you."

"Anytime you want. I'm yours for the taking and you can satisfy me just by kissing me."

Mine, mine, mine. It's all I can think of as we walk out of the restroom and back to our table.

While Doris looks uninterested in our absence Lindsey stares at me.

"It's obvious to me that we need to have a meeting of the brains." Lindsey taps the table as me and Olivia sits down.

I knew she was going to do that. I didn't think we made it that obvious.

Lindsey stands up motioning for me and Blake to follow.

"But I'm hungry!" Blake complains as Jaime slides out of the both letting her up.

I give Olivia a quick peck on the cheek before following them to another table.

Once we sit at the table I prepare myself for the on-slaughter.

"Okay, what's wrong?" Lindsey says softly surprising me. It must be written on my face because she smiles knowingly at me.

"Let's make it quick, I'm hungry!" Blake cuts in.

I shake my head ignoring Blake. "I don't know." I really don't know what is wrong with me. "I can't control myself here lately and it's becoming a serious problem." I motion for them to lean in. "I think…I think I might be a nymphomaniac."

They both give me a strange look before the burst out in a side splitting laughing.

I sit back more that peeved that they find my situation so funny.

"I'm sorry." Blake is the first to catch her breathe.

After a few seconds of my hard stare Lindsey stops laughing.

"I'm serious and you're laughing." I give them my best frown, letting them know they are bad friends.

"You're not serious." Lindsey corrects me. "Do you remember the talk we had before the wedding?"

"We had so many-"

"Dealing with you jealousy. Does that ring a bell?"

"Yes and you'll be happy to know how good I've bee in controlling it." I sit straight up more that proud of myself. Before now I couldn't stand the thought of Olivia and Doris sitting that close together; like they are now. Before I would have totally freaked if our waitress done what she did earlier but I didn't. I sat calmly; secure in the knowledge that what ever happened between them was of the past.

"You really don't see it?" Blake stares at me in astonishment.

If Blake sees it and I don't I must not be as calm and collected as previously thought.

"See what?" I try to laugh it off, but their faces are well beyond sobering. "What?"

"May I?" Blake holds her hand out stopping Lindsey from answering my question. Blake looks too excited as Lindsey gives her the go ahead. "Okay. Even I noticed this; your jealous has obviously manifested itself into lust."

"What? I-"

"Wait before you protest." Lindsey starts in, "Just a few minutes ago when you followed Olivia into that bathroom and fucked her brains out, do you know what happened?"

I choose to ignore her choice of words. "We ordered drinks."

"After that?'

"We got our drinks." I shrug my shoulders.

"Sooo you are saying you didn't notice that woman lean across Olivia's lap, seemingly trying to breast feed her." Blake raises her eyebrow, daring me to lie.

"Yes, but I didn't say anything."

"No instead you had sex in a bathroom."

"Because I wanted to."

Lindsey rotates her shoulders groaning the process. "So what did you two do after the movies the other night?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" How does it matter that we were up all night making love? What does it matter that I spent the whole night living for the moments Olivia moaned, whispered my name or screamed into the pillows? I certainly don't think it matters that much, all that matters is how connected we were and how I can still sex her into a vegetative state.

"I can almost bet my life on it that you were up all night fucking."

"Lindsey!" My ears always burn after these conversations.

"Do you want to know why? Probably because Doris kept sticking her hand in the popcorn box that was conveniently nestled between-"

"Okay, I get it." Maybe it's a little of both. Maybe I am jealous, but sex with Olivia is like air to me, I need it. Who could blame me, for both reasons?

"Come out with it Natalia, we all know that is not the only reasons." Blake impatiently taps the table with her finger. "And remember before you say 'nothing' I'm hungry."

"It's the list."

"The list, what about it, I thought you were having fun."

"I am, but this thing Olivia asked for is…it's got me off balance. I don't know if I can do it." I feel so guilty denying her this when she has been such a good sport when it comes to my list. Never has she hesitated or asked question she just did it for me and I don't know if I can do the same.

"What did she ask for?"

OLIVIA
"Okay now that they are gone, tell us what's going on?" Jaime starts in as soon as they leave the table.

I look at Doris, who has a perplexed look on her face.

"What?" I ask her.

"Aren't you hungry?" Her eyebrows knit together. "Granted it was a quickie but I would be starved."

"I think I was talking" Jaime interrupts "and like I say you are the only one who has to eat after sex. Most people can go to sleep or get up and leave without raiding the refrigerator."

Doris shakes her head in disbelief. "Not even just a little?"

"Later." Jaime is one of the only people who can talk to Doris that way and get away with it. I don't know what happened while I was on my honeymoon last year but when I came back they were the best of friends.

I have a feeling they slept together but I couldn't image one of them playing submissive to the other. And I'm sure we would all still be hearing Lindsey talk about it.

"What I want to know is why is it that you just had sex and you have on your frowning face. You should be all smiles and dizzy with hormones."

"I am." I protest studying Natalia the other table. I wonder what they are talking about. I bets it's about me, maybe the fantasy, maybe it about how Natalia can over look some more of my faults.

"Can we stop with the longing looks for a second?" Jaime waves her hand in front of my face. "What's up?'

"I don't want you to get me wrong here…Sex with Natalia is great among other things-"

"Spit it out already Spencer." She growls, smoothing down her very short hair.

I take a deep breathe trying to find the courage to say the words that have been bouncing around in my head for the last few months. "Sometimes I think the only reason Natalia wants me is that other women do. Like today, people flirting with me turns her into this domineering-" I can't even describe it. "It's like she needs sex to prove a point."

"So tell her no. You have the right, just because she wants to play-"

"No it's not that." I cut Jaime off before she can get to deep in her rant. "Sometimes I do it on purpose to make her jealous. I like it, maybe a little too much."

"Now you've lost me." She sits back in her seat peeking at Doris to see if she is following me.

Right now I think she could care less about what we are talking about. Her relationship with Natalia is still non-existent, but at least she has stopped mumbling when ever Natalia's name is mentioned.

"I like that she likes to take control. It's a turn on, but then it makes me think that…" I have no ideal how to say this. I don't even know why I'm telling Jaime this, when I've can't even admit it to Natalia. I know if I tell Natalia she will freak and not want to have sex at all, when that's not what I want at all. I just want to sort out these feeling without spiraling out of control.

Some of the thoughts make me feel dirty after sex and that's not how I should feel with my wife. I should be able to sleep through the night without waking up from a nightmare. I should be able to go through the next day without wondering what she might think of me. I hope it's nothing like what everyone else thinks.

"You think what?"

"I think that, just maybe-" I look at Doris. I can see she has already read my mind and is about to protest. I hole up my hand stopping her from interrupting me. I need to get this out if only just for me. "Just maybe, that's what I've wanted all along."

"Bullshit." Doris hisses the word.

Jaime gives Doris a confused sideways glance because Doris hardly ever curses. "So you like being dominated, so what?" She exclaims satisfied with her blind observation.

I can't blame her for her statement. She doesn't know what really happened, no one does really. Even my own account gets blurry and I was there.

"Wait, am I missing something?" She leans forward, not missing the look between myself and Doris. "What!"

"Nope, isn't that right Olivia?"

"No, I'm just being silly I guess."

"You are and I know what will lift your spirits." Doris lifts her glass. The faked breasted waitress comes over about to bust out of her tight uniform shirts.

"Can I get you ladies anything?" She bounces a little too eager.

"I need a refill." Doris slides her glass to the edge of the table towards herself.

The woman laughs bending over me reaching for the glass.

I have to lean back just to miss being smothered.
But Jaime and Doris have no shame, staring at her breast while salivating at the mouth.

As the woman stands up she knocks over Jaime's glass of water. "Oh god I'm so sorry, let me get that." She pulls a rag out of her back pocket. Her hand slips under the table to Jaime's lap and the way her arm is moving I doubt she is cleaning anything.

"Whoa, okay." Jaime laughs nervously grabbing the woman arm. "I think you got it. Yea that is good, thank you." She looks behind her at Lindsey staring daggers. "Fuck me." She whispers loud enough for the table to hear.

"When and where." The waitress says before walking off.

"I'm going to fucking kill you Wolfe." Jaime shakes her head.

NATALIA

I can't believe I let Olivia talk me into this…these things. I can't believe I'm going along with it.

I have to be strong; it will be over before anyone knows I was here.

I shift in my seat trying to bring some feeling back into my butt; it's gone numb from sitting in the car for so long. I take one more look in the rear view mirror. My hair is swoop up messily held by a single hair clamp. My business suit is starched clean, the loosen the tie and unbutton the top two buttons on my shirt.

Here going nothing.

I get out of the car grabbing my bag and walk up to the entrance of the establishment. I'm greeted by a big lumberjacking looking man who opens the door for me grinning from ear to ear.

Okay make that before anyone else knows I'm here.

As soon as I walking to the place a too tanned younger man jumps over the counter top.

"You must be Ms. Rivera."

I mentally scream and run out of the building. I look around to make sure no one is hiding or standing around that could have heard my name.

"Oh I mean Mrs. Henley and don't worry; here at Freaky Girls, we practice the privacy. No one is going to say anything if they know what is best for them." He punches his palm with his fist.

"Okay." The cologne he bathed in is stinging my eyes.

"And I got just what you are looking for." He winks at me before laughing. "Right this way."
I follow him down a long hallway; with every red door we pass I feel dirtier than before.

Everything seems to be moving too fast for me, but the hall seems to go one forever.

"You'll have to excuse the new carpet smell, we just got these room built."

I hold on to the backpack straps wishing I could talk Olivia out of this. I know if I wanted to I could, then I would be going back on my word. I promised her nothing was too far for me and she has done everything I have asked even if we had to do a couple of practice runs she still got there.

"Here you are." So caught up in my thoughts I run into the back of the owner almost knocking us both over.

"Sorry." I regain my balance when I realize I'm shaking from head to toe. What if I hurt her? She said she has never done anything like this before. What if I make a wrong move and hurt her. How are we going to explain that to the doctor, or anyone for that matter?

"Thank you."

He looks at me worried for a second. "If you need anything there is a phone, just dial 101. Here is the key and have fun." He turns around walking back toward the front.

My hand is shaking so badly I can't put the key in the lock. After a coupled of deep breathes I compose myself enough to open the door.

I immediately close it behind me laying my head on the cold wood. I'm dizzy and I'm sweating. Okay, I can do this for her. Who knows it might turn out to be fun.

I jump at a hand on my shoulder.

Olivia stands in front of me with a sly grin on her face. "Hey."

"Hey." Even I can hear my voice tremble.

"You're thinking about it too much." She smoothes her hand down my arm.

"I don't want to hurt you." I try to reason with her as she pulls me further into the room.

"Shh. If you really don't want to just say so. But if you are just scared that's okay too, I'm a little scared too." Olivia takes the bag off my shoulder, setting it at out feet. "But I won't make you do it."

I stare in her eyes getting lost in them. "The thing is…"

"I bought this for you." She cuts me off stepping back. That's when I realize she is in a robe which she drops to the floor along with my face.

She has on a dark red fishnet garter dress complete with attached thigh high fish net stocking with no underwear.

"Oh God." I almost swallow my tongue trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. The dress leaves very very little the imagination. Her breast strain against the material, calling my name. I want to reach out and touch her, but my motor skills have disappeared.

"Oh God." That's all I can say.

Olivia laughs. "You already said that."

I dumbly nod ready to kill in cold blood if she asked at this point. I want to release those beautiful twins. They want me to too.

"Natalia, look at me."

I am.

"Natalia, look at me." She says a little more sternly.

With every ounce of will power I tear my eyes away from her chest long enough to look her in the face.

She moves closer until she has me pinned against the wall. I can already feel the heat of her chest presses against mine.

"It's a yes or a no answer." She leans in; her tongue feels like a feather tracing my ear.

The arousal makes me dizzy, as the blood rushes from my brain to much lower parts of my body. I take hold of her hip just to stay upright. "I-I don't want o hurt you."

"Then you won't." Her tongue makes it way around my ear again. "Come on." She walks backwards pulling me to the purple couch. "Sit."

Finally, I didn't know how much longer I could stand. My eyes immediately glue to her perfect ass as she walk to the small stage at the front of the room.

"Mrs. Henley, you came back." Her voice is light and high pitched.

It's the stripper game. I'm Mrs. Henley with a wife. A wife with no name. I should give her a name if I'm going to cheat on her. I wonder why she doesn't have a name. Mh.

Olivia is Cherry a stripper who is paying her way through school.

The game was her ideal and somewhere along the way we started to play it more often.

I love the game, it's dirty and fun. I just hate what happens after and sometimes during. Olivia always has this far away look on her face that I can't decipher and she won't talk about it.

So many emotion swirl around in her eyes it's hard to pick on out. It's my fault we haven't talked about it, well kind of. Anytime I bring it up she makes me forget with her very skilled hands. Before I know it I'm pushing into her.

"I had to my wife has been getting on my nerves." I pull the tie looser around my neck. "You're the only thing that can make it better."

Seductively she steps onto the stage swaying her hips as she dances slowly around the pole.

I move to the end of the couch wanting so much to join her on stage. I hate foreplay unless I'm the one administering it.

"I hope you brought more money." I swear my heart stops when Olivia grabs the pole crouching low to the floor. "Tuition is due."

She wraps one leg around the pole twirling around it with ease.

With that move I can't take anymore. I lean back my legs opening wider on their own accordance. As much as I like the show she is putting on and it's obviously she has been practicing, I want her now.

"Cherry come here." I summon her with my hand.

She shakes her head continuing her work on the stage. "No touching the entertainment."

My core is throbbing with need watching her slide against the pole.

A triumphant grin graces her face while I sit in pain.

Two can play that game. I kick my shoes off and unbuckle my pants.

Her movement stalls for a second daring me to continue.

I unbutton my shirt letting it fall open.

She counters by wrapping one leg around the brush metal and grinding against it.

I watch her sliding one hand down the front of my slacks.

"Mrs. Henley." She sings my name, still wrapped around the pole. "What are you doing?"

"Enjoying yo-your show." I stutter at the first contact of my finger with my soaked sex.

"You are supposed to be watching." She stands straight up her eyes focused on my hidden hand.

"Trust me I am, keep going." I swipe my fingers over my clit. The all consuming build of a mind blowing orgasm is already present. I dip lower bring more moisture to the tip of my engorged nerve.
I kick the slacks off annoyed by the restrictions and giving her a better look.

Olivia's eyes are glued to my hand.

I catch her eyes staring deep into them. Her eyes travel back to my hand buried between my legs. I turn more towards her giving her the best view as I slide two of my finger deep inside of myself.

"Right there." I hear her whisper breathlessly in the silent room.

It's a struggle to keep my eyes opens as I work myself over. It is all I can manage; I need her to touch me. She knows where my spot is even when I don't. She can always find it. I make a show of pumping in and out of myself. I even curl my finger like Olivia does still to no avail. I use my thumb to stroke my needy bundle of nerves. That definitely pushed me further, but not where I want to be.

"If you want more money you'll come over here and finish." My voice trembles sounding foreign to even me.

"You're a cheat." I hear Olivia say before I feel her between my legs. She slides my panties off my leg and with one tug she has my legs over her shoulders. Her hand runs the length of the outside of my thigh.

I think I might lose it, just from her touch.

I feel her tongue lick the back of my knuckle as I continue to thrust into myself.

I won't beg, I won't beg.

Her hand lies firmly over mine stopping my movements while her other hand controls my hips.

"Pl-" I stop myself from begging for her to touch me just once. This is the game we play with each other, who will break first. Most of the time it is me but tonight I have to be strong. But God I need her so much.

"You're so stubborn sometimes you only hurt yourself."

I try to think of a good comeback but I know if I open my mouth please will escape with a long line of pleading.

She pulls my hand away; I only resist a little knowing she will be more efficient.

My hips jerk at the contact of my lips just above bundle.

"Say it."

I'm not going to give in tonight. "No." I can do this all night. I try to restart my own ministrations.

Olivia pins my hands to my sides. Sometimes I forget how much stronger Olivia is than me; still I struggle just little.

"Just say it."

No. My resolve almost breaks when I feel her blow a stream of cool air across the overheated skin.

"You know you want to." Her tongue cleans the inside of my thigh, leaving me even more frustrated.

"Come on Cherry don't be a tease." As soon as the words leave my mouth I kick myself.

Instantly I feel her jerk between my legs. Her grip on my wrists loosens enough for me to get free.

Even in my delirium, I know I've made a big mistake. I try to sit up but Olivia is on me kissing me hard enough to leave bruises. With no more tease she presses on my clit trying to make me forget.

I manage to break free hugging her body to mine, trapping her arms.

Olivia struggles trying to get her arm free.

"Olivia, Stop!" I tell her firmer trying not to damage the night any further.

She stops going stiff as a board. "Not now."

"What?"

"Tomorrow, but not now." Her breaths come slower past my ear.

"I'm sorry." I slide my hands up into her thick hair, pulling her back to face me. "Okay?"

Olivia nods her head.

"Come here." I sit both of us up. I slide down on my knee to the floor. "Let me take care of you." I crawl between her legs looking in her eyes. I need to know if we should keep going or stop and try again some other time. Surprisingly she smiles, the words I spoken forgotten.

The sight of her breast never ceases to turn me into a teenaged boy.

Her dark rose color nipples have found a hole to peek through in the fishnets. I lean forward taking one strained piece of flesh in my mouth.

Olivia hands tangle in my hair pulling into her.

I suck and flick the taunt peak spurred on the moans of its owner. I make sure both peak receive a great amount of attention before turning my attention somewhere else.

I pull Olivia closer to me until her hips are hanging off the couch. Olivia begins to rock against my stomach leaving a wet trail in her wake.

I take her hands in mine raising them above her head. I move up just enough to find her mouth. She moan into my mouth as her pace gets faster against me.

Reluctantly I pull away from her talented tongue. "Slow down, baby."

"I can't." She pants arching harder into me.

I crawl back disconnecting our bodies.

"Wait," She sits up trying to pull me back.

"Cherry."

Olivia pouts but holds back.

I let go of her hands. "Turn around."

Ever so slowly she obeys kneeling on the couch, but I can still see the smirk on her face. "Why?"

I take a deep breathe before retrieving the back with all the toys. The harness's attachment is much smaller than normal, it had to be. Second I pull out the 7 inch purple phallus. "Because. Now be quiet." I say with a more steady voice while my hands shake so bad it takes me a minute to put on the harness and another to adjust the straps. The last thing I get out if the lube, green apple scented.

"Admit it you can't look at me while we fuck." Olivia is still bent over her hands bracing herself on the back of the couch. "After all you might see her."

I open my palm lightly smacking her rear end. She squeaks but stays ass up. "Don't mention her."

"I'm sorry." Olivia's hips sway.

"You've angered me Cherry. Maybe I should leave." I run my hand over the fishnet dress down her back.

"No please." She starts to turns until I grunt. She stops at the sound. "No please, stay with me tonight."

"Why?" I make sure everything is in place.

"I'll make it worth you're while. I promise." She pokes her ass out further giving me the perfect look at her wet sex.

"This is what you want?"

"I want to please you."

"Good answer." I still my nerves. "You ready?" I ask mostly to myself.

"God yes." It's so cute how she wiggles in anticipation.

"Ok." I set the lube and the extra phallus on the couch beside us.

"Spread your legs." She does instantly. I stand behind trying to decide where I should start.

I run my hand under her from the top of her slit to the end and finally to my destination spreading the wetness. "How many others do you service?"

"Just you." Olivia moves back searching for more contact. "Please." She begs, stilling my nerves just a little more.

"Are you lying?" I stand behind her taking the small attachment in my hand. With deliberate slow teasing movements I push at Olivia's entrance, make sure to keep the penetration shallow no matter how far she pushes back.

Her breathe hitches with every drive forward. "u-h"

"Breathe Cherry."

She takes a deep breathe letting it out loudly.

"That's it." I push into her all the way, faster. It's always a surprise how fast I get lost in our rhythm. It feels so good all I can think about is how good it's going to be to come inside of her. I stroke harder our hips colliding, her hair jostling with every collision.

She starts to moan, high pitched loud moans. The one that can make me wet in the middle of church.

"Quiet." I order, fucking her harder. "My wife is in the next room." In my head the scenery changes to a hotel room with adjoined rooms. "Don't wake her up."

I wind my hand in Olivia's long hair pulling her head back so I can see her biting her lip. The moans still escape her throat but not as loud. "Did you hear me?"

She nods her head digging harder into her lip.

Her knuckles turn white from her grip on the back of the couch.

I let her hair go pulling out of her fully.

"No please." Her head whips around.

"What did I say?"

"I'm sorry." She drops her head between her arms.

The small dildo is practically drips with her heat. "Look what you did."

She turns around her eyes darker that I thought possible. "Should I clean it off?"

"Clean it off?" She knows I don't like that. It's not a turn on in play or in our bedroom. "No, just hope it last when I'm fucking you."

She licks her lips smiling turning around again. "But that is extra."

"Don't worry I have the money, that's what you care about right?" I pick up the purple phallus teasing her slit with it.

"I care about-" I push it into her before she can finish. "Ahhh. Yes!"

"If you wake her up-" I leave the rest of the sentence floating through the air. I'm speechless. Olivia is riding the dildo like I've never seen.

I push it to the hilt leaving it there. I reposition myself behind her wrapping my hand around her waist to guide the dildo in and out of her.

With one hand I flip the top off the lube spreading it on the already lubricated extension. The bottle is long forgotten at I tease her back entrance with one finger. Olivia jumps at the contact before pushing back.

Making sure there is enough lubrication to grease a car engine I slow push my finger past her tight barrier.

She moans louder, stilling her hips for just a second.

I pull out working it back in up to my second knuckle. Her breathe hitches as I move deeper inside of her wiggle my finger.

"Fuck." She whispers over and over again. I know she's close.

I slow pull my finger out then the purple dildo and place both my hands on Olivia hips. I try to shake my nervousness. I read a lot of thing online, a lot; everything that could go wrong in anal sex; bleeds, tears, infections.

She wants this and I'll be damn if I'm not going to give it to her. "Ready." I take hold of the small attachment guiding it around her opening waiting for her answer.

"Cherry?"

I wait for her to say something anything, yes, no, maybe.

The clock on the wall ticks get louder.

Did she change her mind? Is this part of the game or have we paused. "Olivia?"

"Yes." It sound like said it through clenched teeth.

"Wait."

"No. Don't. Just...yes I want you inside of me. Take me." She pushes back against me.

Now it's my turn to become silent. This game confuses me, I never know if we are playing or not.

"Please fuck me Mrs. Henley. I want to be your good girl." Olivia says with more conviction all the while rocking back against me.

"Be still." She obeys as I slowly slide the purple dildo back into her centre and I prod the attachment into her virginal channel.

She moves forward until her thighs are pressed against the back of the couch.

Her hips jerk as another high pitched moan escapes.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." She breathes biting into her lip again. I pull her hips back to me, leaving enough room so I can take hold of the other lodged phallus.

Very carefully and slowly I start to move inside of her. After a few strokes Olivia start to move with me with more force.

"Fuck me." She demands.

I hold back. I know how I tend to lose control. I don't want to do that not now, but I speed up just a little, I work both dildos in and out of her making sure to come in contact with her clit.

"So good, so good." She pants pushes back into me.

My fear starts to vanish as the feeling of an impending orgasm starts to build in my stomach.

I angle the purple dildo in her to the left then the front, then to the left again.

"Oh fuck." She strains to speak crawling forward again; my arm is pinned between her and sofa. Hoping it will be enough for her I grab her shoulder with my free hand and work into her. I push into her ass imagining how tight it must be. I pull the attachment almost all the way out before pushing into her.

Her moans get louder almost screams. "Yes, yes." She her grabs hold of the harness straps around my hips pulling and pushing me.

I work my trapped hand as much as possible filling her from both entrances.

"Shit,shit,shit." A few sexy whimper sound through the room before Olivia is climbing up the back of the couch. I pull her back onto me, fucking her for all I'm worth. Her body stiffens, but I keep at it until she throws her head back screaming my name over and over again. Not Mrs. Henley but my name. Finally I sink into her letting her ride the orgasm out at her own pace.

Her whole body jerks, shuddered and twitched before Olivia slumps down.

The sweat rolls between her shoulder blades soaking into the material.

"That's what you wanted?" I say pulling out of her, one then the other.

"God yes."

"The way I see it you should be paying me." In expert time I switch the small attachment for larger one.

Olivia still hasn't moved her breathing fast and unsteady. "I bet your wife doesn't let you do that."

"You know what else she doesn't do?" I sit on the couch beside her.

"What?"She moves straddling my lap. She places a single finger at the tip of the rubber phallus sliding her sex up and down the length. I move with her.

"She doesn't take me like you can."

Olivia leans forward. "You like how I can take it all." She licks the side of my neck. "Just admit it Olivia is not good enough for you. You like how much of a slut I am." Her voice turns hard, not Candy's innocent voice but angry Olivia.

I get the feeling we are not playing anymore. At least I don't really want to play a game with name calling. And I don't want my fake wife to have her name. "Olivia." I try to gain some space but she resist. Olivia raises up sliding down onto the dildo, effectively cut off all though pattern.

I forgot what I was going to say. Fuck. Olivia rotates her hip clock-wise then counter clock wise.

"You're so easy Mrs. Henley."

Oh right the game. "Maybe you're just good at what you do." I try to keep up with her pattern but it changes too fast. Every time I think I have it under control Olivia moves different way preventing me from reign in my orgasm. If I don't do something this all will be over too fast.

"I'll take that as a compliment." She leans back whipping her hair to one side. Her breasts bounce in my face tempting me.

I can't take it anymore. I grab her hip pulling them back and forth, every other push I stroke her engorged clit making her shiver.

Olivia falls forward her breathe hitched as we share the same space.

"God that's it." I grit my teeth trying to stave off the impending explosion. "Come on Cherry be a good girl and make me cum."

There it is. That flash in her eyes that I can't comprehend but it's gone in a second and she grind harder in to me. She laying her face in the crook of my neck and every whimper, moan, and plea for me to cum pushes me closer.

The tightening begins all the way down in my toe. I squeeze her hip harder making her stay still while I pump into her. I know I feel my heart stop, the blood slowing to an almost stop before a tide wade of rushing blood fills my ears. I try to concentrate on just breathing. After a long while my sense come back, first my hearing, the smell and the taste of sex in the air, I blink the black dots out of my vision, finally I start of feel Olivia still moving her whimpering becomes louder.

"Please, I need-"

I shake the cob webs out of my head trying to catch up to with the lost seconds.

"Right there, please."

"It's up to you Cherry, if you want it get it." I stay still as she rides me. Giving her a little help I place two fingers on bundle of nerves, not applying any real pleasure, more teasing.

Olivia grabs my shoulder as she pushes herself into my fingers. Her grip gets tighter, her hip jerk in an uncontrolled fashion. "Yes."

I smooth my free hand around her hip finding her tight ass still plenty lube. Without much warning I insert one finger into her.

She jumps but sits back further onto the single digit. "Fuckfuckfuckfuck." Her body spasms around my finger pulling it in deeper. "Oh God." She shutter on top of me trying to escape the intense pleasure of my two fingers only burying my single finger deeper.

I feel her spasms start to weaken. She slumps down on to me.

One more won't hurt.

I began to rock my hips, slowly I work another finger inside of her stretching her once virgin anal passage. "Tell me how much you like it."

"Yes." Her hand catches my wrist before I sink them in past the second knuckle, but I can tell she loves it.

She rocks faster than before. In less than a minute she pushes away from me impaling herself on my fingers. I push my fingers in deeper and her body began to constrict again.

She opens her mouth but nothing comes out but a strangled cry from a hoarse throat.

I wrap my arm around her back just in case she falls back, gently I pull her forward. Without any resistance she lays back onto my shoulder. I can feel her abs clench and unclench against mine. Every muscle in her body jumps from the electrical miss firings of her brain. Her body squeezes my finger tights contracting around them.

That was wow. We definitely should have done this earlier. God if I had known double penetrate would make her like that.

I wait for everything to calm before pulling my fingers out of her.

"Olivia, sweetie." I try to crane my neck to look at her but she is dug deep into it.

I feel some wet slip down my shoulder.

God I hope that is spit and not tears.

The weight of her on top of me is becoming uncomfortable with the harness on. "Olivia what's wrong?"

Gradually she gets up to her knees with a groan before coming to sit beside me.

I sit up straighter trying to read her. Her eyes are red and watery.

"What's wrong?" I reach out to touch her, but she shies away, holding up her hand.

All of a sudden I feel silly sitting here with a fake raging hard on and my wife crying. I stand up giving her some space. I take the harness off cleaning up the room watch her as I move. I tuck everything into the small black bag before sitting back on the couch beside Olivia.

At least she is not crying any more; she hasn't said anything either.

"Thank you."

"What?" Did she just say thank you?

"Thank you." Olivia stretches out on the couch laying her head in my lap. "I know you didn't want to do it."

"I would do anything for you." I comb my fingers through her hair for a few silent minutes. Do I want to ruin the night or save it for the morning? We need to talk now. "Olivia, I did want to talk about what you said earlier." I wait for her to say 'tomorrow' but it never comes.

I look down and she is passed out sleep. The only reason I'm not fretting is because she has a smile on her face. That has to mean everything is okay for now.

I need to talk to her before we get too busy this summer.

THE NEXT NIGHT

God I don't know why I let Olivia drags me to these parties. I hate them. The people are a bunch of snobs that get together to be snobbish.

I can't even count how many times I'm been disrespected just because of my ethnicity.

I would much rather spend a Sunday night with a large pizza and my favorite people.

"You look great babe." Olivia walks up to the vanity patting my shoulder. Of course she thinks I look good she picked this dress out and the earring and the necklace and the shoes.

I watch her in the mirror. After a year of marriage I have come to know Olivia's moods. Especially the bad ones. Right now she is anxious about everything, her appearance, my appearance and our appearances. She always opts for the pants suit with suspenders instead of the skirts that I love so much. Gotta be one of the boys to play, after all it's their club.

There is a gnawing my stomach and not because of this party. It's because of last night and this morning.

When we got home last night we hardly slept. As soon as Olivia head hit the pillow the nightmares started. We were up and down all last night. She was so distraught this morning I didn't dare bring up what she said last night. But as the day wore on she seemed to come back to reality. And now like some miracle she's fine, like nothing happened. I expected it but it can be jarring because I know she's not fine. She's struggling with herself and I don't know why or how to stop it. I just trust when she is ready she will confide in me.

"You ready?"

"Almost." I put on my earrings, taking one last look in the mirror. They are too much, fake diamonds would have looked just as good. She knows I hate to show off. People shouldn't have to show others how much they are worth, these people know the other has money I don't know why they have to show it.

Olivia's reputation precedes her and I think that is one of the reasons she is so nervous. She is painfully aware that everyone is judging her for her old days. I know she has had her share of women and drugs, maybe even public episodes, but it's not like these people are squeaky clean. The men cheat on their wives and the women will use any excuse to send their kids away that they hardly love in the first place. And their kids are worse; they act out in public just to get their parents attention.

While Olivia is almost begging to join their club I'm running as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I've been unhappy and I don't want to go back to that. It's a sad existence.

I see the fake smiles, the hollow laughter, and the hate filled stares directed at the men who drink and smoke too much.

The worst part is they don't even try to hide the affairs. The wives know but they stay for the prestige and the money. Money will never be that important to me. My life, Rafe, Emma, and Olivia those are the thing I hold close to my heart and would lay down my life for.

"We're going to be late."

"We have plenty of time Olivia." I get up walking to her. She is a ball of energy. "Calm down." I smooth my hand her fidgeting hands.

"The limo isn't here yet and it's going to take an hour to get here then probably another 30 minutes-"

"Shh." I place my hand over her mouth. "We will make it in plenty of time now come on and you need to relax." I pull her out of the room and down the stairs.

"I hope everything goes right. Natalia if I can get on this committee so many doors will open up. I have to make a good impression."

"You will just be yourself and everything will be fine. And if they decide otherwise it's their lost."

"But the money-"

"We don't need it. All I need is you."

OLIVIA

God this party is boring. I'm sleepy and agitated. Sleep didn't come last night not for long any way. The nightmares pushed their way into my dreams. They were new but they were all the same, just different faces.

These assholes in front of me run some of the largest investment firms in the U.S and all they can talk about are the maids they're banging. The asshole next to me cracks another seriously unfunny joke, but I force myself to laugh. It's what they do. They laugh at everything everyone says. I cover up my grimace by sipping my water.

Natalia isn't even making an effort. She has 5 women around her and everyone is laughing except her. I understand she doesn't like fundraisers, hell I don't either. If it weren't for this board opening I wouldn't have even responded to the invite. But I want this so I can secure our future. The money I could make from this deal is ridiculous.

"Mrs. Spencer?"

"Sorry." I shake my head, pulling my attention back to their conversation.

"Aw, fellas leave her alone she is obviously preoccupied by that pretty little wife of hers." They all laugh.

I can only force a smile. I see they way they look at her, in their eyes she will never be on their social level but she is good enough for them to eye fuck every time I turn my head.

The younger man standing across from me laughs at himself before speaking. "You're lucky. I told my wife yesterday the minute she gets fat its over with." They laugh patting him on the shoulder.

"What do you care?" Jack Richardson, who has never worked a day in his life, throws his arm around the guy. "You're with Marcy most of the time anyway. And newsflash, she's already fat."

On cue everyone laugh again.

I manage to chuckle showing Jack that I was playing along. He is the most important person at this party and the biggest asshole. His father is the CEO of one of the largest financial firms in the U.S. If anyone can get me in it will be him.

They all continue to laugh for no reason but to laugh.

Nothing about that is funny. Why hurt the woman you swore to love like that, then have the gall to laugh about it.

"Hey, over here." Jack waves a server over to our little group. Before I know it everyone has a drink in their hand except me.

"Olivia?" Jack repositions himself next to me grabbing the drink off the tray. "Your not going to leave us all to drink by ourselves, are you? I would hate to think you weren't a team player." He holds out the drink.

I feel like everyone in the room is looking at me including Natalia but when I look over at her she isn't. She's too busy looking annoyed.

Some how the drink ends up in my hand and I wonder how. I don't remember taking it. I look around the circle as Jack began to talking making some stupid toast that no one really agrees with but I can't hear a word he says.

The glass is burning a hole in my hand. And right now I would love nothing more than to down it and relax. Standing here I feel anything but relaxed. I know I should start listening but I can't. My ears have popped or I've went deaf but I know I haven't because I can hear the ice clink against the side of the glass.

I promised myself I wouldn't drink again. It will be two years in July. Two years since my last drink.

"Olivia?" Jack's voice snaps me out of my inner debate.

I realize he has his glass up. "To business."

I tap my glass against his as everyone begins to drink watching me over the rim of their cups.

"Well are you going to drink or not?"

I know the question is not that simple. It's more like 'are you one of us or not.'

Natalia is gong to be so disappointed or mad and she will have every right.

I know it could be a slippery slope. 'Could be' are the key words. I think over the last two years I have shown great self restraint not to fall back into old habits. Instead of doing harmful things, Natalia and I talk it out first. And I know we will talk about my reoccurring dream…when I'm ready, I'll work it out. I'm not sure where to even begin.

How do I tell my wife she is the new star of my nightmares, that she is the one holding me down? How do I tell the one person I love that she scares the living shit out of me when I wake up sweating? I won't. I'll work it out by myself. I'm Olivia Spencer former member of the wolf pack, we don't get scared and we don't need help.

I think I have grown enough to know when to stop. I know I can't with cocaine but with drinking, I'm sure I can control it. In fact I'm 100 percent sure I can stop when and if I wanted to. The only problem is convincing everyone else. They are gong to have to trust me one day.

I lift my glass. "Business." The first drop of liquid on my tongue is like hell. I almost forgot how nasty it was.

"You know my father was going on and on about how you wouldn't fit in, but I disagree. You are exactly the person I am looking for on the board. How about we find a corner to talk real business?" Jack dismisses the others.

God it's about time. "To business."

Our talk of business lasts for all of 20 minutes. I really think he liked some of the ideas I threw at him. But that was about 10 minutes ago.

The others have rejoined us. And the last thing I heard was Jack talking about banging his daughters' sorority sister over the winter break.

I made sure I could keep an eye on Natalia while we all talked. Its funny how I'm the one keeping an eye on her but I'm doing wrong. Fortunately I haven't had too many drinks. I'm still on my third. I don't plan on another.

Natalia should be proud of me. She should be a lot of things and with me is not one of them.

I can see it in everyone's eyes. They look at me with sad eyes, with pity then at Natalia like I'm holding her prisoner.

As long as they hold her opinion to herself we will be okay. One of the most important people on my side is her mother and sometimes I see the look in her eyes. I don't know what would happen if she told Natalia. I don't know if Natalia could stand to lose her mother or the kids could understand why they can't visit Nana anymore.

I hate being the one to tear everyone apart.

But it seems like that is all I do. First my parents, then my brother, then the wolf pack and now Natalia.

I hate being such a polarizing person I just want to be me. And lately it feels like I'm losing sight of just who that is.

I could kick myself for slipping last night. Last night was supposed be to be fun and adventurous. Hell I asked for it planned every last detail and still it went awry.

I guess I should have put more thought into it than how good it would feel to Natalia filling me completely.

Cherry.

Mrs. Henley and Cherry are having an affair.

Cherry is a slut; an alter ego of mine, but not really. It's just a name isn't it? It's me with a made up name. But Cherry likes things like anal sex or sex in a dark room with unknown persons.

She would like that, being forced in a dark room.

In her profession people would probably think she asked for it, a little money thrown her way she wouldn't say a word to anyone.

It's the way she dresses and flirts with people. It's the way she tells her partners she is ready then backs out at the last second; teasing. What are they supposed to do? They've been patient, very patient.

So unless she wants to be held down she should grit her teeth and go through with it.

Who knows maybe it will feel good; like last night. She almost changed her mind but I went through with it anyway.

And what does that make her. Letting someone do that to her. Would it have made a difference if they held her down or not, she probably would have liked it either way?

She's slut and everyone here knows it. I know it. Natalia knows it. She knows it with or without Mrs. Henley telling her.

Why else would she ask me how many other people she's serviced?

I wonder if while were apart she still thinks I'm cheating on her. I bet she does. I bet she sit up all night wondering what I'm doing, who I'm doing.

I bet she would love to strap me down and discipline me. But there is a problem in her plan; she's not stronger than me. She can't hold me down. Sure in the dream she can and she does, but not in real life.

I would fight her, but I wouldn't. I promised I would never lay a hand on her, so how can anyone fight without throwing a punch. They don't that's how. They lay there and take it until it's over. Would Cherry do that, she probably would, probably cry and scream through the whole process. She would pick up the money they threw on the floor. She would get dressed like nothing happen, that she didn't beg for mercy as they took what she had to give.

She doesn't deserve mercy, what's she done to deserve that. It's what happens to sluts like her. Who's going to believe her anyway? No one because she flirts with every thing, smiles when she's hurting and stops fighting. She should have kept fighting, and then maybe Natalia wouldn't think she was what she was. Cherry should keep her fucking mouth shut and be a good girl.

"Olivia?"

I jump at the hand on the shoulder. The liquid in the glass sloshes onto my hand and to the floor.

I look at it in amazement. It's red, and smells of vodka and more empty than full.

This wasn't the drink I was just holding. Did I finish the other or did I just trade?

"Are you okay?"

I look at Jack. "I think I've had enough. Excuse me." I navigate through the crowd catching a glimpse of Natalia. She's looking around, probably for me. I can't let her see me like this.

I sneak into the rest room locking myself in.

What the hell was that how did I lose so much time?

I pour the rest of the drink down the sink. I don't need it, it's grabbling my mind. I fill the glass with water gulping it down. I need to get sober.

I lift my face to the mirror and I see tear tracks. Tear tacks? I couldn't have been crying in front of them.

I grab a few paper towels dabbing at my eyes. Not only am I going to have a hangover but my eyes are going to be red from crying. Rafe's birthday is this weekend, I should be okay by then.

"Pull it together Olivia." I turn away from the mirror. My image was beginning to become distorted and I know what that turns into.

I don't want to see her. Not today. She is a victim. A victim who asked for it, a willing victim, that's not me anymore. I have the dream life; a house, wife and 2.5 kids.

"You're messing it up for what? Because of a dream that would never come true." It was dream, a dream.

I turn around looking at the person I don't want to see, she's a drug addict and a victim.

"What do I do?" I ask her, I need to know how to stop feeling like this or at least stop it from showing.

You'll do what you always do; you'll lie until you can't lie anymore. Do what ever it takes to keep up appearance. Stop being so god damn weak.

NATALIA

Another hour of listening to the gossip is all I can take. And I thought Blake and Lindsey were bad.

I excuse myself politely as possible about 10 minutes ago to find Olivia. The only thing that could livin' this party up is us in a bathroom stall. I think I can get Olivia to go for it if I can find her. Then again I would much rather persuade her to go home with me; then sex…on the…definitely not the stairs again. Maybe the porch swing to by the water. Oh, the water. But definitely in the rain again; last time it started to hail and Olivia had whelps on her back for days.

"Boo!" Olivia sounds off behind me and the undeniable smell of alcohol float pass my nose.

My stomach tightens in anticipation. I turn around praying someone wasted alcohol on her shirt. But that's not the case.

Her eyes are glazed over ever so slightly. If I didn't spend every waking moment looking into them I wouldn't have noticed. I wish I didn't notice.

She smiles happily. "You ready to blow this joint."

I nod my head resisting the urge to ask her about it right here.

Instead I silently follow her outside, trying to figure out my next move. I don't know what to say. We both knew relapsing was always possible, but I don't fully know how to stop the spiral. Do I call for an intervention, or would that be too much too fast. Maybe it was one drink, just to keep up with the guys. Or maybe she has been doing this behind my back and has finally slipped tonight.

I don't want her to feel like I don't trust her or I'm ambushing her. Do I wait until the morning or now?

"Your chariot awaits you." Olivia opens the door to the waiting limo.

I stand looking at the opening then back at my tispy wife. I feel so weak right now. I feel like crying because I feel like I know where this goes, and it is nowhere I want us to go.

I've told her how the smell of alcohol affects me. I hate the smell, it remind me of so many nights with Nicky screaming in my face with the stench on his tongue.

Olivia throws her head back in frustration. "What."

I shake my head not wanting to cause a scene here. I know for a fact I'm going to cry and she is going to think that I don't trust her. But really there is nothing to trust. Olivia had, has a drinking problem. Maybe she can control it for a while but what happen when she turns it instead of me to calm her fears, ease her nightmares or loves it more that us.

Olivia closes the door stepping closer to me. She knows I'm not happy and she knows why.

I breathe out of my mouth to keep from smelling the foul odor.

"Do you really want to fight out here?"

"I don't want to fight at all." I stare down at my feet, the expensive shoes that have been hurting my feet all night are suddenly a form of comfort. I don't know why but looking at the sparkling heels glimmer in the moon light eases some of the tension out of my shoulder.

I hear her exhale loudly before she presses herself to me, tilting my chin up to look at her. "I hate to see you like this. Look at you, you got you're frowny face on." Her hand caresses the side of my face and as much as I want to lean into it I step back.

"You've been doing so well."

"It was one drink." She argues.

"That could turn into two or three-"

"It won't and it didn't!"

I try to make my point but Olivia talks over me.

"It could and then what happens."

"Listen to me, if you don't trust me just say so, but don't try to turn some small thing into the end of the world." She takes my hand pulling me to her body. "Natalia I love you."

"I love you more."

"Then trust me, when I say I know how to handle this." She looks down at me with pleading eyes. "Please, can we not do this? It was one drink. Don't you trust me?"

No "Yes."

"Thank you, now let's go home, before Rafe starts calling."

I don't know how many times I have to say it so here it goes again. Olivia is perfect. She could probably light a candle just by walking by it.

Everyone loves Olivia. She's practically invited Rafes' whole school to his birthday party. There has to be at least 100 kids here including their parents. Everyone seems to be having a good time.

I look at Emma whose splashing in the shallow pool for the small children with a few of her friends. She's so trusting sometimes, it worries me. It's a great attitude to have but not for a little girl, especially my little girl.

Emma stops playing for a second waving at me. I wave back, lounging in the pool chair. It's such a nice day. The sun is out but it's not too hot. Plus my wife is in a delicious bathing suit.

The one she initially wanted to wear I had to hide. It was far too revealing for my taste. The men at the party are already following her around with their tongues out. They would have lost their minds.

No this one 'I found' is much better. It's a green and blue swirl one piece with one side cut out. Still I had to beg her to put a tie around her waist. The way they looked at her when she took her clothes off got to me. I admit I became a little territorial but I've learned to control it as much as possible because even though they look and some try; she belongs to me. I trust Olivia so I can leave her side and not worry about the other people around catching her eye.

"Ma! Watch me!"

I turn my attention to my brave little boy who tip toes to the edge of the diving board. He tries so hard to be the brave person he thinks Olivia is. Of course Olivia jumped off the diving board so he has to.

I can see the fright on his face as he looks at the deep water below.

Brittany waits on the ladder behind him for her turn, but Rafe seems stuck.

In an all to Lindsey way, Brittany rolls her eyes walking to the edge of the board.

He gives her that look he gets from Olivia when they don't want any help, even when it's obvious they need it. He thinks he can do everything by himself.

Brittany grabs his hand and jumps off the board pulling him down into the water behind her.

I hear his distinct yelp before the water engulfs him.

He emerges, looking my way to make sure I was watching before swimming after Brittany.

"There you are."

"I've been here for almost an hour." I say to Olivia without looking her way.

"Hm, you have, yet you still haven't stripped down." She sits down besides my legs running her hand up and under my khaki shorts.

I quickly clamp my hand down on hers before she can move any higher.

Ever since we completed my exhibitionist fantasy we both have been acting out in public more and more.

"Olivia!"

"What?" She looks at me with two innocent green eyes. "Come 'ere." She stands up pulling me from my lounging position. In mere milli-seconds her eyes change from innocent to devious. Those eyes can make me melt in the middle of a snow storm.

Olivia pulls me against her, her hands playing with the hem of my shirt.

Still I can't break the spell she has over me. I'm defenseless against her actions.

"I don't know why you're so shy. You have a great body." She says as her hands move under my shirt. Her hands are hot on my back even through my bathing suit.

"I, um" I don't even know what I was trying to say. All I can think about is how I want her now.

"It's…you know how much I like to show off." She lifts the shirt pulling it over my head.

I shiver at the sudden kiss of the sun on my shoulders.

She continues talking moving closer to my ear as she hooks her thumb in the waistband of my shorts.

I try to concentrate on what she saying, but all I can hear is her breathing in my ear. Similar to every time she touches me or look at me the way she is, flashes of our escapades enter my mind.

I take hold of her shoulders to keep from falling over.

"What was it?" She asks knowing what I am thinking about.

"The car." I say the air all of a sudden to thick to breath.

She moves impossibly close; her lips brushing against mine as she talks. "What about the car?"

"Me…you."

She squeezes my hips bringing them closer to her. "Go on."

"The backseat. You were begging." I try my hardest to remember there were children around. It's the only thing that keeps me from pushing my hand between her legs.

"You like it when I beg."

For a second I catch her moving lips in a searing kissing. The flashes become more vivid pushing everything else to the back of my mind. I can see it like a movie playing; her left leg thrown over the back of the front car seat, her right leg cramped against the back window leaving foot prints on the glass.

Like it was still happening I feel her body tighten around my fingers in one last effort to pull me deeper inside of her. I flex my hand on her shoulder just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

"I remember…I came so hard."

I feel a cool breeze between my legs to my over heated center. I hadn't even realized she had removed my shorts.

"Natalia?" She leans back the question in her eyes.

Please say it. Please say it.

Her voice drops an octave or two as she speaks the only words I want to hear. "Please fuck me."

"Yes." An automatic answer to any question she has ever had.

She smiles at me hugging me closer to her. "Baby you are way too easy."

"Olivia, please don't do this to me." I plead, wrapping my arms around her neck.

"Natalia."

"Okay you're right," I have no idea what she is right about but Olivia has a devilish way of withholding sex when she is mad at me for some reason. So I'll agree. "I was wrong and you were right."

"About what?" Her eyebrows peak to her hairline.

"Um, what ever I was wrong about." I smile at her with my best 'please let me fuck you eyes'.
"So how about you let me make it up to you in the car."

"Let me think …no." She laughs at me. She actually laughs while I'm about to burst.

"You're mean."

"You're easy." She quips back pulling my back down into the chair between her legs. I curl up to her chest as she wraps her arms around me.

Its times like these I have never felt so loved. "I'm going to get you back."

"I know." She kisses the crown of my head.

Lindsey and Jaime sit in the chair next to us.

"Get a room." Lindsey huffs pulling out her sun screen lotion.

I just snuggle deeper into Olivia. If she only knew how much I want to.

"Where have you two been?" I look a Jaime who is lounged back with her shade over her eyes.

"Having sex in the car." She says with a serious face.

I pinch Olivia's side. "See they can do it?" I mumble into her shoulder.

She just tightens her hold on me.

"Hey, Olivia." I look up to see one of her business buddies waltzing over to us with that stupid arrogant smile they all wear.

Olivia raises her hand intent on shaking his but both are full of beer bottles.

"Sorry." He apologizes holding up the bottle.

I told Olivia this was a children's party not a business get together. But she insisted we have some form of alcohol for the adults which are supposed to be contained under the tent.

"Hey Jack, no alcohol out of the tent."

"Oh I'm sorry I just came to see if you wanted one." He juggles all but one bottle in his other arm, thrusting the last one out to Olivia. "After last night just thought you would have another drink with your friends over in the adult tent."

I sit up look at Olivia. Sure she said she was having a meeting with him and some other guys but she said nothing about drinking with them. I can't believe she's keeping these types of things from me and after the whole 'don't you trust me speech'.

"Sure." Olivia nervously takes the bottle.

"So just come over when you have time." Jack walks off strutting like it's his party.

"What?" Olivia shrugs her shoulders at the two confused looks from the other couple and the angry stare from me.

"Olivia you said"

"Not here." She cuts me off talking in a dangerously low tone.

"When?" I don't care they are listening. This is important. "Why?"

She gets up and for a second my heart constricts afraid she's storming but she walks to the grass pouring the contents of the bottle out. She comes back sliding behind me.

"Because if you say so then that's it. But I love you and I know what I'm doing." She massages the lines out of my forehead. "So don't worry so much. I have everything under control."

I want to believe her so bad it hurts but I can't. No matter what happens she will always be a drug addict and an alcoholic, one drink or snort away from going back.

"You trust me?"

No. "Yes."

"Good because I trust you to believe that I can do this." She takes my hand kissing my wedding ring.

I nod my head knowing that she is intentionally pulling those strings. I take a quick look at Lindsey who has a disappointing look written all over her face. Jaime shakes her head before relaxing as much as possible in the tense moment.

"So where is the birthday boy?"

So caught up in the moment I didn't even realize Doris had made it to the party, which is rare. I can usually spot her from a mile away, her and her conniving thugs.

I have tried and failed to make a connection with her. She does things on purpose to get under my skin; hugging Olivia too long, kissing her in front of me, or making gestures when Olivia's not looking. I know it's my fault because I let her, but it is just something about her that I can't stand to be around. But I'm changing, I'm changing for the better.

"Enjoying the party." Jaime shakes Doris's hand.

That's another thing that worries me. They've become the best of friends, Doris, Jaime and Olivia. I love that they are friends I just hate that Jaime likes to act like she's single, Doris is single and I know they try to pull Olivia into their little games.

Lindsey doesn't seem to mind that Jaime flirts with everything in heels as long as she doesn't touch or let them touch her.

I happen to consider both cheating. Thinking it is just as bad as doing. It means you might be looking for something you feel is missing. I don't want Olivia to feel like she is missing anything especially in the bedroom. I've taken long stride to keep up with her in the bedroom.

"Are you serious Wolfe?"

We all know that voice. Blake is on a rampage.

She comes up dangerously close to Doris's face. "You could have at least left her in the car, doesn't she have to be at Saturday school or something." Blake points towards the entrance.

Me and Olivia both lean over to see a very young woman in a very tight red dress and at least 8 inch heels standing by Johnny who looks like he is a second away from humping her leg.

"I thought we were going to be adults about this and not flaunt in front of each other."

"I am and you have some nerve, you don't think I saw you last week hanging off that asshole." Even though I know she's mad anyone else couldn't tell, her voice is calm and her face is stiff like she's had something done. Everyone knows Doris always has on her poker face even when she is steaming mad which really only happens with Blake and Olivia.

"I told you he was giving me a ride home because I had drunk too much. Nothing happen and I wasn't flirting with him." Blake pokers her finger into Doris chest keeping her voice low. "Is she the reason you called and never showed up, just to fuck with me?"

"What does it matter anyway? You are not my wife, girlfriend or significant other. So listen to me." Doris steps back taking seat at the foot of our chair. "Stop trying to control me. You can't and I won't have it."

Blake's face morphs from angry to insult. "For your information I wasn't trying to control you. It's not my fault you can't accept love from another person. All I asked of you was a little respect. You do these things on purpose…"

"So you want to tell me what's so important you can't come on vacation."

"I told you I have business to take care of else where."

I look at Lindsey who kisses Jaime before standing up waiting for the storm off. It's an unwritten rule that when one of us storms off the others have to follow. I hate it but it all about supporting a friend. I can't even count all the times we stormed off with Lindsey so she kind of owes Blake.

I try to sit up but Olivia holds me to her body. "Do you have to?"

"Unfortunately, yes. But I still love and meet me in the car in 10." Just as I was about to lean back against her I hear my name called.

"Natalia!" I jump up at Lindsey stern voice. She always has away of getting my attention and making me feels like a scolded child. I jump up just in time to join in the mean looks we direct at Doris before walking off.

That'll show her. Okay now I have 10 minutes to calm both Doris and Lindsey down before meeting Olivia.

OLIVIA

I watch Natalia leave, she doesn't seem too mad.

Fucking Jack can't keep shit to himself. Now Jaime and Lindsey know. As long as Doris does catch wind I should be okay.

Shit I could really use a drink right now. I wonder if I could sneak off to the corner store and get a shot. I know there is plenty of Listerine in the trunk of my car.

Shit I deserve a drink I've been doing well all week just like everyone says. Sure I've been drinking but Natalia doesn't know that. So I had to lie to her a couple of times but it is all for her own protection. And I promised to protect her from everything including me.

I'm Olivia Spencer, I'm the strongest person she knows. I can do this by myself, I don't need help. She said so herself.

All I have to do is make for the next two days then she is gone for a week, then Rafe leaves for camp and to top it off Natalia and Emma are going to be gone for another 2 week touring other shelters.

I just have to make it till then I'll be home free for most of the summer. First I have to make it through today. I don't even know why I teased her like that.

Because it in your nature, you can't help.

Not you today, I say to the old Olivia.

I don't need her in my ear today. What I need it to find something to drink before I meet Natalia. I need to relax. I can't be constantly plagued with her when I'm trying to have sex with my wife.

Slut.

"Ok I we need to have a talk." Jaime sits up clearly irritated.

Fuck not in front of Doris, I dig my nails into my palm to keep from blowing up at her.

"Us?' Doris takes her shades off motioning between the two of them.

"Yes, us." Jaime swings her legs off the chair facing my long time best friend.

They both miss my sigh of relief.

"You're my friend. As your friend I'm going to say some things that you might not like but I want you to listen because the next times this happens I'm going to pretend I don't know you and commence to kicking you ass."

Comically Doris mouth opens wide as she gasps in shock.

"Yea I'm talking to you. I know you're an asshole, Blake, knows, hell everyone knows, but that is not an excuse…"Jaime pauses deciding to take another angle. "Do you know what just happen a few minutes ago? I had sex with my lovely wife. Do you know what was just happening? We were having a nice time lounging. Do you know what was going to happen later on tonight? Sex again with my wife. Do you hear a pattern? Here is the thing; I know you can have sex with anyone when ever and where ever you want but for people like us." She motion between me and her. "We can only have sex with our wives. But you won't let that happen. See, if Blake is mad then Lindsey, bless her heart, feels like she has to go cheer her up. And you know what that means, I'm stuck here with you and Olivia and as much as you two have grown on me I would rather be having sex."

Doris tries to interrupt but Jaime is on a tear.

"Shh, listen." Jaime holds her finger up. "Now I get it, you're free to do as you like and Blake really has no say in it. But for god sakes the next time you pick up a barely legal chick and try to decide on where to take her just leave out where ever Blake is." Jaime holds her up hand again as Doris tries to talk again, but Jaime is having none of it. "Either go apologize or take the child home to her parents, either way you need to do some soul searching to find out why if you don't want her, why you're acting like some high school jock whose feelings have been hurt. You're a grown woman and this is life. So either get over you're self or let it go. If you really don't want her then stop trying to one up her."

I look at Doris for a comeback but she just looks across the pool area where our wives are talking.

As sophisticated as Lindsey acts she is not scared to get down and dirty even resort to fighting and the way she is pointing, she's at that point.

At the moment I feel like giving Jaime a pat on the back, I couldn't have put it better myself and haven't for all these years.

I need a drink.

NATALIA

That was exactly what I needed. I toss my hair to one side reapplying my sunscreen. And not a moment too soon.

I look across the distance at Olivia showing Rafe all the gadgets inside of his new car parked on the grass.

The other children take turns getting in and out of the driver seat playing fantasy driver.

She knows I was mad and still am at her for buying it, even after I asked her to limit her spending. It is ridiculous to get an 11 year old a car that cost more than a college education without all the extra, I'm sure those pushed the car over a half a million.

But now I feel better, even thought Olivia couldn't make it to our earlier appointment she more than made up for it.

The heady feeling after a earth-shattering orgasm starts to fade leaving me feeling…sleepy. I stretch on the pool chair.

"Natalia, honey."

I open my eyes watching my mother pull up a chair beside me.

"Do you think that is really…" She looks to the sky for the right word. "I think that giving Rafe a present like that could really spoil him. He needs to learn the importance of money."

"Don't look at me. I told Olivia, but you know how she is. She wants him to know she loves him." I sit up. "Plus Rafe know the importance of a good work ethic, she teaches him that."

My mother scratches her forehead something else clearly bothering her.

"Was there something else?"

She looks out at the gathering around the car then back at me.

"I don't think I will ever be able to tell you how happy it has made me to see you and my grandchildren happy. Olivia is…she's wonderful in her own way. And I can't thank her enough for giving me a place to stay while I'm here but-" She stops talking looking at her fidgeting hands.

"Ma, what's wrong?" I swing my feet off the chair facing her. I hope it's not about Ricardo. I invited him against my better judgment; he told me flat out that as long as Olivia was in our lives her couldn't be. "Is it Ricardo?"

"Natalia!" She chastens me. "He is still your father, have some respect."

I shake my head, wondering if I would have turned out the same as her.

"It's not him. It's just…how have you two been."

"We've been fine. Why?"

"Honey Olivia is wonderful like I said, but she is who she is. She hangs out with mob members and drug addicts."

I shake my head at her words. "Not you too. What did he say to you?"

"Nothing. I fully support your choice I just wanted to let you know that maybe there is more, someone better for you."

"Better than Olivia?" I know Olivia has been acting strange for the few last weeks but that doesn't change anything for me. Not much could make me leave her, we talk out problems out, she holds me when I need to cry and she is there for our children.

"Forget I said anything." She waves me off getting up from her chair walking away.

I get up following her. "No mother why would you say something like that? I want to know." I keep my voice low feeling the cold fingers of anger creep around my heart.

"Because I didn't say it when you we miserable with Nicholas and I don't want that to happen again. I'm sorry Natalia but just because she makes you happy doesn't make this totally right. What if it is against God's plan." She sighs with a hint of regret.

"I don't give a fuck about God's plan!"

Her mouth drops open as if I had smacked her. "Natalia! I know I raised you better than that. Now you listen-"

I cut her off. "No mother you listen. I don't care what the bible or Ricardo says I love Olivia and she loves me." I see the hurt in her eyes and I lose my hard edge. "Yes she has problems and we are working on those. It's hard enough with everyone else against us, I was hoping I had at least you on my side."

"I am sweet pea, I just had to let you know. I know how much your faith means to you." The look in her eyes is as serious as I have seen her in a while. It leaves me speechless. She really believes god will punish me for loving Olivia. The woman who has saved my life on more that one occasion.

"Is everything okay?"

I don't even turn to Olivia. "Everything is fine."

My mother nods her head.

I wait for Olivia to step out of listening distance. "What does Nicky have to do with this? What is this really about?" I squint my eyes at my mother more that pissed at the moment.

I didn't want to say anything because it's your life but…I saw Olivia drinking, earlier today when I stopped by your house."

Oh my god, she would say anything. The next thing is going to be she saw her kissing someone else. "Just stop with the lies mother. Olivia hasn't been drinking I've been with her most of the day. I don't know what has gotten into you but I hope this doesn't continue. I really would like for you to be a part of Rafe and Emma life." I turn away from her before she can respond walking toward my family.

Olivia hasn't been drinking; she just promised me she wouldn't drink. There is no way she would lie to me in my face and turn around and drink before her own son's party.

I walk up to Olivia taking her but the shoulder and kissing her deep, sweeping my tongue across hers and to the corners of her mouth.

I pull back satisfied. There no taste of alcohol, nothing by barbecue chips and onions.

"Are you are okay?"

"I'm more than fine." I smile at her then pull her closer to me. "Olivia?"

"Yes,babe."

I look deep into her eyes searching for any hint of a lie. Olivia wouldn't lie to me, she's occasionally leave out details but she would lie to my face. She promised that much everyday. "Have you been drinking today? And please don't lie to me."

"What!"

"Just answer my question, have you?" I don't have time for anything else except yes or no.

I can't believe my mother would try to pit us against each other. I don't even know why I am entertaining the ideal in the first place.

"No." Olivia answers without blinking, and that is the end of that.

I pull Olivia over to where our son is. I drop down Rafe hugging him around his shoulders. "I think it is time for the birthday boy to cut his cake." I need something to take my mind of this debacle.

I roar of cheers starts, Rafe buries his head in my shoulder. I pull him away bending down to his level. "You know I love you right, we both do."

"Yes Ma'am." He looks at me with the innocence of a child.

I can't believe my mother has the nerve to try to ruin Rafe's birthday party. After all today is about him taking another step towards manhood. My little boy is growing into a man. Next thing I know he is going to have children of his own and move away and never call or visit except for us to babysit.

I feel the all too familiar sting of tears behind my eyes. "God, I remember when you just came up to my knees. You were so small and fast, those little chubby legs. And now there are grandchildren running around screaming."

"Huh?"

"Okay babe." Olivia grabs me by the shoulders. "Cake!"

I let her hug me as we walk to the cake.

"Don't worry baby, when we get tired of them I'll give them a one way ticket home then we'll have adult time."

I laugh realizing how silly I must sound to Rafe.

OLIVIA

God I'll be happy when Natalia gets back.

I love having some alone time with the kids, but it's really hard to sleep without her beside me. Even though we were on the phone for half the night it's not the same.

I need her for when I have a nightmare, even when they star her. I need her to hold me and tell me I'm safe.

This whole week they have been none stop, back to back, every time I close my eyes. I've found a remedy for them while she is away. I still have those pain pills the doctor gave me when I dislocated my shoulder. Two of them and I'm out like a light, into the nothingness that is being passed out. But I haven't had a drink all week, its called control.

I know it's my fault for what I'm feeling. I need to be stronger.

Tomorrow she'll be back and everything can go back to its universal place. Till then I'm stuck and that feeling of terror will grow every night threatening to burst inside my chest. I can't even say when it started, but it hurts.

I think it started while I was in California, I ran into some of my old college friend. One in particular was Beth. It really shook me to see her. I talked to her for a long time. A lot of things she brought up made me glad I changed. But I think that is why the nightmares have started again.

I looked through some of my old year book pictures. I looked so young. If I were just to remember the moments in the pictures I would have sworn I had the best life filled with humor and happiness. But I know that's not true that still doesn't stop me from missing it just a little.

Maybe it's me who is imagining things. Maybe it was the conversation I over heard at Rafe's party last week. What her mother said hurt. What hurt most is that Natalia didn't say anything to negate her. I thought she was over that whole religious thing. Have I just not been seeing her struggle with her faith? I can't help but wonder if have been missing her internal battle. Does she think our relationship is her ticket to hell? I hope not, I was hoping she was my ticket to heaven.

But what irks me the most is how I could look her in the face and lie without flinching.

I shouldn't be able to do that, I haven't until recently. I know where this leads to another lie. I don't want to have to constantly lie to her. It tramples on everything we have built our lives on. I have to stop. I have to stop today. I have to tell her the truth about my drinking. But I know she is going to over react. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't need to drink, I want to. And if need be I could stop whenever I feel like it. I just don't feel like it now. There fore I can't tell her now, but when I quit that's when I tell her and she will know how under control it was. It wouldn't be hiding it from her but something besides hiding.

Plus if I tell her that I will have to tell her everything else. I'll tell her about it all when I am ready.

I don't know when that will be but she will be the second person to know.

HONK!

The kids are home. Lindsey agreed to drop them off. I didn't know how long my day would last. I look at the clock, it's already 7 p.m. They're right on time.

"Mommy, mommy, look what I made." Emma bomb rushes through the door holding her macaroni picture high as her arms could reach.

"Oh, Emma that's great." I kneel down to her eye level. "We should put it on the fridge and send a picture to Mommy."

"Can it stay forever?"

Her word boom through my hollowed skull, burning its way into the bone. God forever is a long time. A shiver runs through my body chilling me to the bone. What if we don't make it forever? "Sure."

"Mom you okay?" I hadn't even noticed Rafe standing at the door way. Worry is written all over his face. It snaps me from my internal contemplation.

"Of course superman, how was your day?" I stand back up to finish their pb and j sandwiches.

"Fine are those for us." Rafe pulls a chair to the island stand into to watch my craft.

"Yes."

"Good cause I'm hungry and Lindsey said hi." I swat at his hand that was about to dip into the peanut butter jar.

HONK! HONK!

Me and Rafe look at each other wondering who it could be.

"Maybe Lindsey forgot something." I offer the explanation, Rafe just shrugs his shoulder.

We both go to the door looking out the screen door.

A bright green mustang with tinted window and rims, bigger than the car, is parked in the driveway.

I know who it is before the door even opens.

Rodney

It actually feels good to be back in Springfield. I know I'm risking death but it has been way too long since I've had a place to call home, even longer since I could call anyone a true friend. That's all behind me now. I'm home and I plan on getting my family back even if it means forcing myself into everyone picture perfect life.

Olivia was my family before anyone else even cared. What can I say I need my little sister? I didn't come here to break up a happy family.

The old me would have just came in and fuck everything up not caring who got hurt as long as it wasn't me.

But my prison counselor showed me a few of my faults and I was forced to correct hem if I wanted parole. The new me is thoughtful and mindful of how my action affect those around me.

The old me was sitting in prison plotting on just how to get back at Dory for setting me up, but the new me is thankful for her malice ways. The new me is determined to gain her respect without losing my life. I know it won't be easy. And if it doesn't happen I think I can live with putting up with each other. And even though I haven't fully kicked my bad habits I think I have them under more control than they were.

I take a deep breathe hoping Olivia isn't mad about my absence. To be fair I have dropped her a couple of line to let her know I was okay, but I couldn't make it to the wedding if I wanted to due to my incarceration, that is also behind me.

I step out of the car taking in the area and Olivia at the door.

If I hadn't known any better I would have sworn Olivia disappeared from the door and reappeared right in front of me.

Before I can lift my shades, Olivia has me in a bear hug lifting me off my feet.

"Glad to see you too, Green, but I can't breathe." She puts me down taking a step back looking me up and down.

I watch as the biggest smile appears on her face. It a real relief to see she's just as happy to see me as I am her. "Where have you been?" She asks.

Prison. "Just on a little soul search." I say looking over her shoulder at that kid.

"You don't know how much I missed you." Her eyes cloud and she chokes a little on the words. If I weren't a man I might have been choked a little too. Shit I've missed my party buddy. No can ever compare to us.

"I see you've moved on."

She looks over her shoulder at the kid standing in the door. "Yea, you remember Rafe and we have a little girl. Emma." She beams with pride. And I see the first blip in my plan.

"You mean she had a little girl?" I said watching for her reaction.

She shrugs at the suggestion. "I like to think they're both ours."

I was expecting her to slap me but she doesn't which is funny since she killed for them.

"So how about I take you out and we catch up. You know have a little coming home party."

"God I would love to, but Natalia is out of town."

Anyone would have been blind not to see my eyes light up at that. I need time with Olivia by myself without Dory and her wife teaming up on me. I'm not even worried about her wife or the kids. The only person I need to stay away from is Wolfe. But once I get back with Olivia she won't be able to touch me either. Olivia wouldn't let her.

"And the kids have school tomorrow."

I know she wants to go. "Oh come on Olivia, don't make me beg. I'll have you home by bedtime. Just give me an hour." I give her my best sad face, one she can't resist. I knew I would have to pull it out.

"An hour?"

"Or two." Come on Green.

"Alright, give me a couple of seconds." I follow her back to the porch where that kid is still standing, mugging me. Yea I remember him. He's grown a few inches but he hasn't changed, still not happy to see me. Well that's all going to change; Uncle Rodney is here to stay.

I should smile at him or something.

Green pulls him back into the house. I can only catch a little of her explanation on why they have to go.

I peek into the kitchen to make sure no one is around before pulling out my little bag of happiness. I need to stay calm and collected. I pour a small mound on the back of my hand, cleaning it off.

After all these year, it still goes up my nose given my brain the shock of its life.

"Okay, we're ready." Green comes out of the door with the two kids in tow. They both look at me like I killed their dog or something.

Green eyes me again, probably noticing the change. "Give me the key, I'll drive." She holds her hand out.

I didn't want to drive anyway. I hand her the keys. "Race ya." I run back to the car only to realize I'm the only one playing.

Every few miles I look into the rearview mirror and that kid is still mean mugging me, like he wants to do something.

"Mom I don't want to go to Grandma's house. Can we go home?"

"Superman, I already told you it's just for a couple of hours, I'll be back in a little to get you guys. I just need to talk to Rodney in private." Green stops the car in front of a condo complex. An older woman is already standing outside, reminds me of Green's girl just…older. I don't know why but I can't stop laughing.

"You okay?" Green asks.

I'm laughing so hard I can't even answer.

"Come on you guys." She gets out with the other passengers.

I roll my window down as they meet older Natalia half way. "Is that him?" The woman looks at me in disdain. I haven't even met her and already she doesn't like me..

"Yes Marie. That's Rodney."

"The Rodney?" She looks at me again.

I wave back pretending not to here the revulsion in her voice. Hmm. I should start calling myself that. The Rodney, has a nice ring to it.

"Olivia I don't know. You've been doing so well."

Why is it that every time Green wants to hang out with me everyone says that? You've been doing so good, like I some kind of disease. True I am a drug dealer but I helped Green through some hard times, not Doris, not those kids, and not her wife. Me. I helped.

"Guess doing well will never be good enough for your daughter."

Surprise, surprise trouble with the in-laws. I'm not even going to bother to pretend no t listen now.

"I heard what you said to Natalia at the party."

"Olivia I-"

"Don't, it doesn't matter if you meant it or not. At least I know where you stand in this situation." They both stand in relative silence.

I guess the show is over. "Green!" I yell out the window. "I hate to interrupt." I tap the new watch my mom bought me.

She holds up her finger, signaling for a second.

She says something to the woman before coming back to the car. "So where are we going?" She turns the engine on.

"You'll see."

Olivia

"So you'll never guess who I heard from?"

"Who?"

"Beth said she saw you in San Fran." He takes the glass from my hands, holding them in an overly empathic way, but I know he means well. "That's really why I came to see if you were all right." I nod my head trying to control the surge of unwanted memories.

"Sure, why not."

The place is a hole in the wall, with all types of people who you wouldn't want to meet in a back alley. They're all young with piercing in every place they shouldn't be. The music doesn't even have any words, it just a fast beat.

Rodney and I go to the back where there is a descent looking couch.

"So how is your wife?"

"Natalia is perfect. She started a safe house for battered women?" Yep Natalia is perfect in every way.

"Perfect, uh?"

I nod my head, agreeing.

"Of all the women in the world you pick her. And don't think I didn't see all the coverage on the trail. But you know I knew if anyone could get you off it was Wolfe." He laughs slapping his knee.

"Yea she did a hellva job." I watch the bustle around us, the people gyrating to the music, drink being filled at the bar, all the while people do line of coke of the small tables. The smell of marijuana flows through the air, only massed by the smell of spilled alcohol and vomit. I remember the smell quiet well, hard to believe it's something that comforted me.

"And I want to apologize for missing you're wedding. I just wanted to stay away until the trail was over. The last thing you needed was me popping up to testify. Plus I really had to ix something about myself." He pulls my hand into his. "But I want to make that up to you." The sincerely in his eyes is no bull shit. I know him better than Wolfe does. She forgets how genuine he can be.

"Can I get you two anything?" A skinny woman walks up. Her face is sunk in from too many late nights and not enough sleep. Or maybe she it's the needle marks on her arm, visible even in the pulsating light.

"As a matter of fact you can, we'll have two beers, 6 shots of tequila and two cranberry and vodkas." Rodney pulls out an hundred dollar bill and hand it to the young girl.

She walks away checking the bill in the dim light. That seemed to have brightened her attitude.

It's no time before she comes back sitting the drinks on the small coffee table in front of us.

"I'm not drinking."

"Why not?"

"Because, I'm just not." But I want to so bad. I deserve a drink.

"God you know I'm being selfish. I didn't know you were trying to be sober and here I am tripping you up. I'm sorry, don't worry about it." Rodney slides all the drinks to his side of the table. "We can go if you want. Maybe stop at a Taco Bell so I can have the runs in the morning."

"No, wait." I shouldn't be doing this. I promised Natalia that I wouldn't drink. I told her I could and would stop for her. And I did.

She will never find out. I am a grown woman who should be able to have a few drinks with my best friend.

"What?"

"I want you to convince me."

Rodney laughs like I'm telling a joke.

"I'm serious I want you to convince me to drink with you. You are my friends so be a friend and convince me to drink."

"Look if you don't want to drink or are trying to stay sober I'm not going to be the one to mess that up." He shakes his head downing two shots. "Maybe sober is the best path."

"I'm not sober, I mean I am but I drink. I drink all the time." It's not really a lie.

"So why do I have to convince you."

"Fuck Rodney, can you please just do it already." I snap back.

He looks at me like I just asked him to shoot me.

"Please." I give him my patent pouty look.

"Fine."

"Go." I drag one of the shot close to me griping it between my fingers.

"Take a shot with me for old time sakes. One shot and we'll leave."

"I can't because one will turn into two and two will be five and next thing I know I'm butt naked on the front lawn of the dean's house." We both have a good laugh, only because it happened.

"Hey, wasn't I lying beside you?" He perks up a little really trying to convince me.

"That is true." He was the one who woke me up.

"So lay naked with me…not really but, you know what I mean. One drink."

"One drink, just one." The crowd of people continues to gyrate in the small space avoiding the passed out clubbers.

I can feel the tequila burning my throat already. "One drink, one drink then I'm gone." One drink.

WAKE UP! WAKE UP IT'S YOUR MOTHER IN LAW! PICK UP! The ringing revs the engine that is my brain. Shit what the hell is that?

"Okay, okay, one second." Even with my eyes closed the room is spinning. As a matter of fact where am I?

I feel a hand on my shoulder pushing my back down. "I got it Green lay back down." I'm not sure if I ever made it up right, but I'm not going to fight. His voice keeps me from slipping back into unconsciousness.

"Sleeping, what do you want?"…"Call back later."

Damn I was supposed to pick up Rafe and Emma last night.

DORIS

Okay I can do this, I've campaigned before. Throw out a few lies and have them eating out the palm of my hand. After all I wasn't convicted and I vowed to dedicate my life to finding the killers. Don't laugh, don't laugh, "The people of this great city are smart…" I fight a laugh that still bubbles its way to the top.

"Mayor Wolfe you have a call on line one." My assistant comes over the intercom of the phone.

"Take a message."

"Whatever." She replies.

Some people can be so unprofessional. I knew I shouldn't have slept with her. It always ends badly. Something said don't do it, but did I listen.

"I gotta talk to you." Olivia rushes through the door not even bothering to close it behind her.

I give her a nasty look; she knows how much I hate for my office door to be open.

"Sorry." Olivia closes the door plopping down in one of my expensive chair. Not that I paid for it but I like to look at it.

"I already know what you're here for. And the answer is no."

"How do you know what I'm even going to ask?'

"Come on Olivia. You know this town just as good as I do. You think I didn't get a call interrupting important business at one in the morning about you two drinking at the bar."

"First of all sex isn't important business and second I wasn't drinking." I don't believe her. Eye witnesses put the glass in her hands. But she doesn't look hung over and I know a hung over Olivia. "Doris he's really trying to get his life right. He's thinking about going to rehab."

"Is he still peddling that bull shit?" I swear I just want to knock some sense into Olivia sometimes. This twisted sense of loyalty is beyond me. I might not like Natalia but I sure as hell would rather put up with her than him.

"It isn't bull, if you would talk to him. You know we all used to be really close."

"And I used to weight 110."

Olivia rolls her eyes. "That's not the point."

"No Olivia the point is you've been doing really well. You've settled down and stopped all the nonsense and I don't want you to mess this up because Rodney has blown back in town."

"I wish everyone would stop saying that?" She slumps back in the chair like a child. "What if…what if I can't be that person? Yea I've been doing good but what if... what if it doesn't work?"

What the hell? I just risk my freedom and career to help her be with Natalia and she has the nerve to say it won't work. "You know what Olivia? Here's the thing, you don't' have a choice." Her eyes widen at my blatant statement, but I mean it.

"I have risked everything for you. I have done nothing but look out for you from the first day I met you, now you are going to listen to me. You are going to go home and call Natalia and tell her you love her. That will be that."

"Everything is about you."

I can't wrap my head around it; maybe I'm too close or too detached. "What is it? What does he have over you? He's lying. Nothing is going to happen in except he is going to bring you down. That's all he wants."

She shakes her head in rebellion. I don't know how he convinced her drugs were helping. To give him credit, he did go after the guy who assaulted her, but that's about as far as it went with actually helping.

Olivia leans forward pushing up her long sleeves like she's readying for a fight. "Please for me. Two weeks and he'll be in rehab. You'll be going most of the time on vacation anyway and when you come back you will see that he has changed."

Son of a holy bitch. I could literary throw a tantrum in the middle of this floor. I guess there comes a time in every relationship when trust has to win out over doubt. "Fine, I swear if I even suspect you…"

"Thankyouthankyou. You won't regret this." She jumps from her chair practically running to the door.

"I know for a fact I will." I say under my breath. She wouldn't have heard me anyway; she was already out the door.

I page my assistant. "Sheryl, get Johnny Boy on the phone ASAP and get me some coffee and Advil."

"Why don't you get Wendy to get it for you?"

7 in the morning and the day is already ruined.

I pull out my third cell phone calling Johnny. "Hey, Johnny Boy I need a favor. I need you to track our friend Rodney and bring him to me, now."

Rodney

After Olivia left to do damage control I decided to chill in the lobby. I play with some of the pencils.

The place is definitely different. It seems a lot more open and kid friendly, with a daycare and a mini movie theater. Yea I would say Olivia has done good with her life. I need to find my place in it, if there is one left. I asked her to talk to Wolfe this morning before she got wind that I was in town and decided to take me out. Green can make her do anything. I remember this one time in college she dared Wolfe to jump of this three story building onto a trampoline. She did it; broke her collar bone, but I can't point fingers I jumped too, broke my tibia.

It was cool though we were all high. Plus there were like seven other people who jumped after us. They're the stupid ones. When the fifth person breaks a bone you would think they would second guess jumping.

I watch as one of the maid exit the elevator. I know Olivia has hit that. Who could resist a bitch in high heels and a short maid's outfit? Looks like it was fresh out of a sex shop.

I laugh as the woman walks past me. She looks at me with an arrogant look like I'm the low life.

Yea fuck you too.

"Hey you." I turn around to see if the person is talking to me and come face to face with the asshole that kicked my ass the last time I was here. Jason or Johnson, I know his name starts with a J.

I swallow the lump in my throat. It falls into my stomach threatening to push the contents of my bowels into my pants. I really should have worn underwear. "Wolfe send you?"

"Yea, she wants to see you." The Asian kid smiles like the devil himself.

I look around the lobby for security that is no where in sight. I know if I leave with this asshole he's going to kill me. Wolfe has gotten away with one murder and doubt another trail will stall her life.

They probably won't even investigate my death, just chalk it up to another drug deal gone bad.

Asians are slow right? They're smart not fast. I'm taller which gives me another advantage.

Yep, I'm not going with this guy.

"Sure, I got nothing to hide." I walk out in front of him. As soon as I get to the door I take off, running down the side walk.

Too many drug filled nights and last nights drinking has not helped my speed. I barely get a few steps before he is on my back.

We wrestle to the ground with him winning the top spot. He puts his hands around my neck cutting off my airway while sitting on my chest.

The people just walk by like nothing is happening.

"Okay,okay." I scratch at his hands. "Fuck, dude okay."

He hauls me up by my shirt forcing me into a red sedan.

The whole ride to my death I feel my hands sweating so much my pant legs is wet from where I've been wiping them. I'm not afraid to die, am I? Yes, yes I am. There is so much I haven't done. I've never climbed a mountain, I've never been to Vegas. Well not sober. I've never been to the biggest ball of yarn or base jumped.

"Look man, please. I won't tell if you let me go." I plead with the little Asian punk. The driver laughs through the rear view mirror. "I have money. My parents are loaded. I'll give you anything you want. You can drop me off at the boarder and you'll never hear from me again. Please! You gonna let that bitch control-"

"Shut the fuck up!" The kid explodes punching my in the mouth.

I curl into a ball hoping he didn't knock out any of my teeth. "Please. Please."

"We're here." I hear the kid open his door. "Come on."

I take hold of my door. "Please man."

"Pussy." They grab my legs yanking me out of the car in one move.

I barely have enough time to catch myself before I stick a face plant on the concrete.

"Get up Rodney."

I almost start to cry as I hear Wolfe's voice commanding me.

It's not fair, it's not fair.

"I said get up."

He two lackeys pick me up slamming me against a wall.

I notice we are in some kind of abandoned warehouse, perfect place to commit a murder.

Wolfe paces in front of us, shaking her head.

"Dory."

"Don't call me that you stupid little prick!" She looks like she is coming undone. This is a really bad sign. Dory doesn't come undone. "I thought I told you to stay away along with rest of you."

"I didn't bring them I swear."

"Shut up."

I snap my mouth close. The only way I am going to make it out alive is to do what she says and hopefully she will have pity on me. We use to be so close; I know my friend is still in there some where.

"Boss, maybe we should just make it look like a hit and run." The driver finally says something, but I wish he would have remained mute.

"No wait, Dory I swear I have changed. Hell I'm not even mad about you setting me up to go to prison and, and I didn't even say anything to Olivia. I'm clean."

Dory pinpoints me with her eyes. "Check his pockets."

Damn it.

I don't even struggle as the two dig into the pockets of my cargo pants. They pull out the bag of prescription pills I took from Olivia, which I am pretty sure she would have let me have if I had asked. They pull of several viles of cocaine out, a few loose ecstasy pills, and a few rolled hundreds.

All I can do is hang my head, I should thrown the stuff out the window on the way here or at least stuck my phone in one of those pockets.

"Don't worry Rodney I'm not going to kill you…yet. Actually I came to offer you an olive branch."

Oh thank God.

"Me and my associates have to handle busy else where. What I need from you is very important. Are you listening?"

I nod my head ready to agree to anything and kicking myself at the same time. If I had waited I could have avoided this all together.

"I need you to look after Olivia. No drinking, no drugs, all around no partying except with her wife."

When the hell did she and Olivia's wife get so close? "Whatever you want."

Dory walks close to me, the clicking of her heels sent shivers down my spine. "I want to listen to me very very closely."

I knew I wasn't going to get off that easy.

"What's about to happen is because you ignored a direct order not to come back here until you were clean and I want you to take this as a sample of what is going to happen if I come back and Olivia is not the way I left her." Dory walks to the car leaning against the side. "Boys try to keep it below the neck this time and no knives I don't want to clean up anymore blood."

Oh fuck.

NATALIA

I can't believe I ever agreed to spend a week away from Olivia and of all times when the kids are gone. We could be having so much sex over the next week, it would be ridiculous. But I just had to agree to tour some of the other safe house including some that are way underground.

It exciting, but it would be just exciting if I could stay here and have sex until I withered up of dehydration.

It's not the worse way to go.

I guess I will have to settle for two days of x rated activity. She did say she had a surprise for me and that we needed to talk first, which reminds me we have a lot to talk about. Some many things have begun to pile. Talk later sexy surprise first.

As I walk in the kitchen, I spot Olivia sitting at the table with those sexy librarian glasses on typing on her laptop.

She has definitely got me hooked. Every time I see her a flash of heat consumes me like nothing else; even when I try to stay mad at her.

With every intention of having sex on that table I take Olivia's hand raising it so I can straddle her in the tight space between her and the table.

"Did you want something?" Olivia cocks on eyebrow up, smirking at my boldness.

"I want a lot of things; world peace, a cure for cancer and a dog that doesn't pee on my carpet, but I only need one thing."

"And what would that be Ms. Rivera?" The ways her voice can drop and vibrate through me make me shiver that quick become a gentle rocking motion.

I lean in tracing the curve of the ear with my tongue. "You." I hear one the sexy noises ever uttered by the human vocal chords.

"Let me not keep you waiting."

Before I can protest Olivia stand up seating me on the table.

"You are going to hurt your arm." I massage her shoulders, taking in just how strong they really are.

"Not again. Those few months were the worst of my life. But sling or not sling my arm is the last thing you are going to be worried about when I get finished with you." She climbs on the table as I lay back.

"Well practice what you preach."

Ding Dong. The door bell sounds.

Who could that be?

Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong.

Olivia groans throwing her head back. "Ignore it."

I push at her shoulders giving her a disapproving look, someone could be in need of help.

She moves off the table; I follow her straightening my shirt.

"You stay here and when I come back I want those clothes off." I walk through the living room to the door looking out the peek hole.

"Who is it Babe?"

"I don't know." I take another look at the two men with sunglasses standing outside pushing each other. They look strangely familiar but I don't know where I could know them from.

I decide to go ahead and open the door knowing the storm door is locked."Can I help you?"

"Hell yea, where is Green?"

My stomach drops. I know for sure the only people who call Olivia that are her old drug friends.

"Holy shit." I hear Olivia say behind me. "Let them in."

I slowly unlock the screen door kicking myself for not ignoring the bell.

The stories I've heard are not flattering to anyone. Mostly I already don't like them, I don't want them around Olivia or my family.

The two men barge in without as much as a hello.

"I'll have a gin and tonic, hold the tonic and something flat and smooth, a mirror maybe." The second man demands, patting his shirt pocket.

Now I really don't like him.

"She's not the maid." Olivia steps out of the kitchen to my defense.

"She's her wife dumbass." Standing in the doorway is a tall blonde with gray eyes. I remember her from out wedding reception; she danced with Olivia then proceeded to get drunk. I think she left with Doris.

They seemed to be close and all Olivia would say was she was an old friend. But the way she looked at her when we first saw her I thought she had seen a ghost standing in the room.

This is the last thing we need before I leave on a two week long trip.

The woman steps into the living room looking around. "When you said your house was small I didn't think you meant a shack."

I grind my teeth to stop whatever hateful words that might have popped out.

"Beth, be nice." Olivia remains standing in the kitchen doorway, unsure of what I don't know. She seems a little apprehensive.

"Why are you all the way over there?" The taller man says.

I take a good look at them.

He's white with a really good tan. His hair is sandy blond and shoulder length. His expensive shade rest on the crown of his head showing off his blood shot brown eyes. He looks like he has been up for days but his clothing doesn't show it. Everything is starched to a crease; the purple collared shirt and khaki pants. But just by looking at his face I can tell her has had a night life. He can't be much older than Olivia but the puffiness around his eyes and lines around his mouth are prominent.

But I guess drugs will do that to a person. He looks like he could have really been a handsome man back in his day.

Slowly Olivia walks into his arms.

The other man is shorter and dark skinned sandwiches her in the hugs. He is dress just like the other one except with a yellow shirt and khaki pants. "Don't mind my junk, he has a mind of his own."

My jaw clenches painfully when I hear the joke.

For her part, Olivia pushes both of them away laughing.

"Man it is good to see you when you aren't shaking and foaming at the mouth." The taller one says, looking Olivia up and down. He pulls his shades down walking around Olivia stares at her butt.

"Keith." Olivia twirls around slapping his shoulder.

"What!"

Out the side of my eye I can still see the woman walking around with a disapproved look on her face.

"Oh babe I'm sorry." Olivia walks over to me putting her hand on my back pushing me towards the two men. "This is Keith and this is Tracey the came to the wedding reception."

"I'm Tracey the good looking one." The shorter one holds his hand out.

I shake it limply. I can't see his eye because of the sunglasses he is still wearing; somehow I know they are just like Keith's.

"Unless you like white meat." The taller man bumps him out of the way looking me up and down with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

"Nah, she definitely likes the darker meat. We drink coffee black no sugar and no milk." Tracey steps to my side too close for comfort.

"She doesn't like either, she's mine, back off." Olivia pushes him to the side before directing my attention to the woman. "This is Beth."

Beth looks at us from across the room her grey eyes clearer than her counterparts. Her tight smile turns in to a frown as she runs her hand over the couch. "You should really let my interior designer pay you a visit."

"Does she speak English?" Tracey waves his hand in my face.

I resist the urge to tear it off and slap him with it.

Olivia swats his hands. "Why don't you all look at the kitchen."

I crane my neck trying to release the stress from the tight muscle.

Reluctantly they all slither in the kitchen.

"Natalia, god, I had no ideal they were coming." Olivia runs her hand across my jaw massaging it.

I try to relax knowing I'm seconds away from a cracked tooth. Truth is I believe her; she did look shocked but sort of elated to see them.

I know I have to walk a fine line. Just like with Doris these people are Olivia's friends, they were once close.

Even thought Keith and Tracey are obviously high or drunk or both, I have to try to be civil. Doris already hates me it would be of no use to have them against me too.

"I'll take them out to lunch and get them out of your hair."

"No." The last thing I want is Olivia with them alone. I need to keep an eye on her; they might try to get her to drink again. And she has been doing so well. She hasn't drank since her night out with Jack before Rafe's party and I would like it to stay that way. "No it's okay. You're friends are my friends." I try to put a little perk in my voice.

"You are the best baby." She kisses me on the check before pushing me towards the kitchen. "They're really charming if you talk to them. I just have to make a call and I'll be right in.

I walk into the kitchen taking a seat across from the two men.

We sit in silence for a few very long minutes and all I can think about is how much I want Olivia here with me, better yet them gone.

"So Natalia." Tracey starts laughing and elbowing Keith, "Um, you're married to Olivia."

"Yes."

They burst into round of laughter.

Olivia walks in sitting beside me she just shrugs her shoulder, smirking at the two.

I have no ideal why any of this is funny. It's sad, two grown men acting like children.

The kitchen is filled with the laughter of Keith and Tracey. I watch them in fascination. I wonder if Olivia acted like the do.

NO one has really tried to strike up a real conversation beside the whether and their trip.

I would have but I'm too busy trying to intercept Olivia's and Beth's silent conversation. They keep catching each other eyes and just staring. It doesn't feel like sexual tension but there is definitely tension there.

"Where is Dory?" Beth finally cuts through the laughter.

"She's on vacation."

"Hey what about Blake?" Tracey stops laughing long enough to ask.

"Eck," Beth scoffs.

I grind my teeth, holding my comment in until she actually insults my friend.

Beth asks rolling her eyes. "Tell me is she still stalking Blake?"

There's a nice change in events. Blake is the only other person who has the gall to even suggest such a thing.

Olivia doesn't look amused at all. "Let's not go down that road."

"No lets for old time sakes." Tracey pulls his chair all the way up to the table.

Keith elbows him under the table.

"Like everyone doesn't know the reason they broke up." Beth scoffs again.

"I was under the impression they never started." I'm with Tracey, I wouldn't mind going down that road.

Olivia turns to me with a scowl on her face.

"Oh don't look at her like that Olivia." Beth pulls out a cigarette from her purse. She holds it between fingers. "Trying to quit." She says briefly holding it up.

"I'm bored." Tracey sighs drumming his fingers on the table.

We sit in more silence for what feels like eternity.

Finally the sound of the door bell cuts through the air.

"I'll get it." Olivia leaves the kitchen, again leaving me with them.

"So um," Keith leans towards me. "You're really cute."

I try not to react to his complement. I would say thank you but the look in his eyes tells me if I do I would just be inviting more inappropriate comments.

If even possible I feel even more awkward than before and Beth is staring a hole through my skull.

"Surprise."

My head snaps up at our latest guess. This time I can't hide my reaction. My gasp sound loud to even me. But the sound is over lapped by Keith and Tracey jumping up from their chairs.

They hug Rodney, Tracey going so far as to hump his leg.

"Get off me prev." Rodney playfully pushes them away and after a few second they calm down long enough for him to look towards me and Beth.

His expression changes immediately when he sees Beth. I can actually feel the temperature of the room drop. They stare at each other with so much animosity, it probably doesn't compare to the feelings I have for both of them combined.

"Is any one going to address the elephant in the room?" Rodney spits through clenched teeth. "Lily what are you doing here."

Lily?

"You know my name." Beth tucks the cigarette back into her purse. She combs her locks behind her ear sticking her chin out, like he needed a better look. "Shouldn't you be hanging out at some high school trying to look cool for the young girl?"

"Fuck you!"

"HEY!" Olivia puts a hand on his chest pushing him towards the door. "Why don't we take this outside?"

Beth stands up straightening her dress. "Excuse me." She says to no one.

I watch all three of them exit the kitchen to the porch.

"What was that about?" I say forgetting the other two men in the room.

"You know how nasty rivalries can get." The men take their seat again.

"Why don't they like each other? I though all of you were best friends."

"Oh, some more that others. Oh man." Tracey slumps in his seat. "I'm crashing."

I turn to Keith for further explanation.

"What?" He asks looking anywhere but me.

He is obviously the weaker link.

"I want to know what is going on." I tap my fingers on the table in anticipation and annoyance.

Before Keith can break three mumbling voicing flow into the kitchen.

I look at him again when they stop.

"What! Green is a touchy subject you know." He shrugs. "I mean Dory, Beth, then Lily, and Rodney, even though he swears he didn't, he did."

"So?" It still hurts to know Olivia just let people pass her around. She is so much better than that. Whatever she was looking for I hope she found it in me.

"So…for some reason they all got attached." He shrugs again.

"What about you?" I didn't hear his name anywhere in the list. Plus he and Tracey seem unaffected by the whole thing.

"Nah, by the time Green and Lily dated it was all over."

"Lily who is this Lily person?"

Just as Keith is about to answer Tracey hits him in the side.

Keith rubs his side. "No one but just know I didn't touch your wife."

"Plus," Tracey tries to rise off the table. "His shit doesn't work."

"Shut up!" Keith gives Tracey a hard shove pushing him out of his chair and onto the floor. "It works in your mouth."

"Dude you are so gay."

Keith shakes his head furiously. "I meant to say your mothers, your mothers."

"Yea, right." Tracey just lays there not making any attempt to get up.

"Keith?" I reach across the table regaining his attention. "What happened?" I need clarity.

"Nothing really. What happened, happened you know to Green."

"You mean the rape."

"Hey, hey" He looks around as if we were being watched. "Let's not go there okay. We all know what happened happened."

"So what they all fell in love with Olivia?"

"Whoa, stop right there, no one said anything about love."Keith hisses like love is a dirty word. "So just don't."

I still don't get it. What reason would they all have to hate each other? Unless Olivia cheated on them with the next they should have been used to passing girls around.

"After graduation-" Keith starts but is interrupted by the loud voices.

"JUST SHUT UP WE ARE NOT DISSCUSSING THIS ANYMORE." I jump at Olivia's loud bellow. She stomps into the kitchen slamming the screen door in Beth's face.

Beth and Rodney trail in staring at each other again.

The hostility in the room is palpable, it feel like everyone is looking at a bomb waiting for it to explode.

Olivia leans against the L of the counters. Her arms are crossed so tightly it looks like she is squeezing herself.

I can't sit here while Olivia looks like she is about to breakdown. I walk over to her blocking everyone out.

Even though I'm concerned Olivia is sexy when she is in a huff. Her curls always hang down covering at least one side of her face, usually she is too mad to even correct it.

I comb the loose curl behind her ear. "Are you okay?"

"Just aggravated."

I feel her relax some as I wrap my arms around her, drawing small circles on her back.

"How about we revisit tomorrow." I wait for her to answer. "We can do lunch and then maybe everyone will have cooled down."

"I shouldn't have called him."

It suddenly occurs to me that she called Rodney to come over, which meant she knew he was in town and didn't tell me. I should be pissed off right now that she would hold something like that from me.

I'll be pissed off later when I know she is okay.

"Hey you know what we should do?" Sometime or another Tracey has gotten him self off the floor and is sitting on my table. "We should go out and have some drinks."

I turn back to Olivia and just the change in her eyes scare me. I don't want her to drink, especially with them. They obviously haven't learned how or care to control their habits.

"Even better we'll go to dinner." Olivia slips out of my grasp. "Rodney's truck is outside so we can ride together. I'll drive."

"I guess your girl can drive back." Tracey jumps off the table onto wobbly legs. Somehow he stands on his own. "First we need to stop and get some blow."

"No." Olivia shakes her head.

"Rod-man should have some." Beth says in a smart tone.

"Like you don't want it." Rodney retorts grabbing is privates and tossing his keys to Olivia.

"Let's just go to 'The Bar' they have pretty good wings and just combine dinner and drinks." Keith walks out of the room ahead of everyone.

Every one files out except for Olivia and I.

I can't get myself to move or speak. Too many things could go wrong tonight. I know Olivia is going to go with them with or without me. Would it be safer if I went to keep an eye on her? But if I can't stop her from drinking then what. I don't want to be there when she is drunk or drinking.

"Come on." She pulls me through the door.

30 minutes later we arrive at 'The Bar'. The last time I was here was with Nicky. I have done my best to avoid this place, and yet here I am.

I hold on tight to Olivia's hand. For one I don't want to let her out of my sight and second I just don't want to be here.

"You okay?" She stops us just short of the entrance. "What's wrong?"

The whole car ride here I was contemplating what I should do or say. I don't want to embarrass her in front of her friends by telling her she can't drink. I also don't want to stand by while she gets plastered either. I want her to not want to drink.

"I don't like this."

"What, them?"

"No, this." I wave my hand at the building.

Her eyes brows knit into something towards anger. "You don't want me to hang out with my friends."

Not those friends, I want to say.

"Or is it you just don't trust me?" She pulls her handout of mine.

I feel the loss immediately. I know I'm losing this argument. She is determined so anything I say will be misjudged.

"I do."

"Do you?"

"You know I trust you with everything I am, I don't…I think this is too soon." I try not to lose my courage. "Emotions are high between you all and I think it would be mistake to add alcohol to the equation."

Her eyes are full of challenge "I know what I am doing. All we are going to do is sit down and catch up, maybe have a few drinks."

My heart squeezes so tight I feel the pain behind my eyes. I now there is not much I can say to change her mind, short of some sort of heavy guilt trip.

I decide against playing this argument out, instead I pull her into a hug, kissing her as if it were for the last time.

When I pull away the look in her eyes make me want to melt, but the knowledge that she might drink makes me want to scream.

"I love you."

"I love you more."

"Would you two stop fucking for one second?" Tracey pulls Olivia into the bar.

I follow them to two small tables against the wall.

"Come here." Olivia pulls me over to where she sits on the high barstool. I move between her legs leaning against her. "I love you."

"I love you more." I whisper resisting the urge to rehash our conversation from outside.

"This should be funny." Olivia laughs turning me around to watch the pool game Tracey and Rodney has started.

I take her arms wrapping them around my waist. I need to feel close to her so I won't lose it. Maybe it will stop her from drinking as much as they do.

After the second horrible pool game, my legs start to grow tired but I don't want to move.

Beth is already half way in the tank with everyone else.

As much as they have drunk anyone else would have already been passed out but I guess they have the staying power from drinking so much over the years. So far Olivia hasn't had anything to drink even though they keep offering to buy for her.

I start to relax more at the knowledge. I might have over exaggerated the situation. I trust Olivia. I should have trusted my trust in her. It's my problem not hers.

"Hey, I got an ideal." Tracey gets right up in my face with his alcohol laced breathe singeing my nose hairs.

I lean further back into Olivia who pushes him back.

He stumbles hitting his hip on the pool table. "Fuck, that hurt."

"Stay out of her face." Olivia answers back, kissing my neck.

I try to control my breathing, god only know how turned on I am now.

Tracey looks at us, hurt written all over his face.

Rodney pushes him towards a barstool. "We should play women against men, Beth and me against you two."

"Fuck you." Beth spit cradling the rest of her drink.

"You're on." Olivia answers.

"I bet Natalia has never played." Rodney grins at me.

I'm sure he is joking but I don't like him so anything he says will be taken out of context and I'm fine with that. And for his information I'm good at pool. Me and Lindsey play all the time, even though she wind most of the time, I can handle my own.

"She's my wife of course she has, but put your money where you're mouth is."

Olivia stands up stretching. She hand me a cue then takes her own.

"Better yet." Rodney pulls Keith off his barstool. "For every pocket, one shot."

Suddenly I don't feel so confident.

"Not so confident now, huh?"

"Please we're just waiting on the money part." Olivia laughs at him hitting him on the butt with her cue stick.

"Okay, five grand best out of three, one shot for every pocket."

"Deal." Olivia racks the balls up. "I'll break."

"No let her do it." Keith says downing the last of his drink.

Everyone look at me. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. What did I get myself into? I don't want to be the reason Olivia drinks tonight.

"You're fine Talia. Don't worry no alcohol is touch these lips as long as you are here. Focus." She steps away from me pointing for her eyes to mine.

Focus. I can do this as long as she is here with me, we can do anything together. I crouch down aiming my shot. Focus.

My nerves were shot but instead of backing down I concentrated and before I know it we're two games in with only the 8 ball left to hit.

Keith is only standing with the aid of the table and Rodney is about the same. I smile lining up my shot. The first game they didn't even get to shot and this game Rodney only took one shot, which missed. I felt drunk just by holding my breath for the shot.

But now it's my time and I'm on a roll. I rear back connecting with cue; it glides along the table barely tapping the 8 ball, which rolls in the corner pocket.

I stand triumphant once again with Olivia at my side.

"Money." Olivia holds out her hand.

Keith fumbles to pull out a roll of money and hands it to Olivia.

My mouth drops open, who in their right mind carries around that much money.

Rodney throws it stick to the table in anger. "I finished anyway." He shakes his head at Keith who stumbles back to the tables. "I need to talk to you anyway;" He looks from Olivia to me, "alone."

"Why do you always have to be a sore loser?' Olivia lays her cue stick down. "We'll be right over here if you need anything." She grabs him by the collar dragging him to an empty table.

I go back to our table and as soon as I sit down Beth get up joining Rodney and Olivia.

"Don't mind her, she's just jealous." Keith leans on the other table. "Acted the same way when Olivia gave up that baby in school."

My heart leap into my throat but he starts to laugh with slobber running down his chin.

"Tray, did you see her face? Classic."

"Oh man you got her good."

I turn to Tracey but my tongue is cut short when I see the line of cocaine her has separated in front of us.

"What, you want some?"

"I'm going outside but save me some." Keith gets up wobbling out of the door.

"What are you doing! We could be arrested." I yell at him almost forgetting that I was in a room full of people. I look around and it seems as if no one heard me or they just don't care.

"Chill, no one is going to bother us. Shit in a minute they'll probably be over her begging like always."

"Put it away, now." I push out the words through clenched teeth. How stupid could he be?

"You know what; I don't see what Olivia sees in you." He glares at me. "Here I am trying to share with you and all I get is anger."

I look over to Olivia and it seems like they are in their own heated conversation.

"No seriously, how did she bag you? Was it the money or the limo? Mh, no I bet it was the old I can make you happy line. Did she get you like that? Probably fucked you in the car or did you wait for the nearest enclosed wall to give it up."

I freeze as his words hit close to home. I want to smack him but in the back of my mind I know it would be useless, he's high and drunk. The worst case scenario is he lashes out and hits me back. That thought alone is enough to keep my mouth shut.

"Yeah, it was wasn't it? Do you know how old and tired that line is?" Tracey's eyes close to slits as he watches me. "If it was the money…" He puts is hand over mine, but I quickly snatch it away.

Before he can say anything else I slide off the barstool watching him to see if he will follow. "Leave me alone."

"Fuck you to bitch." He hisses before going back to the task of his drugs.

I practically run to Olivia, wanting to leave this place and them behind. I don't feel safe anymore especially with Tracey get high and drunker. Who knows what he might do if we were alone.

"Fuck you Beth you know as well as I do what she did." Rodney spits the words out across the table.

"She's my sister what was I supposed to do."

"Stop okay; I don't want to talk about it." Olivia put her hand up.

"You think I want to talk about that bitch but Beth is the one who brought it up." Rodney never takes his eyes off of Beth. "Lily had to pay."

"Oh I think you and Dory did enough."

Olivia suddenly realizes I am standing beside her. "Hey." Her voice softens.

Who is this Lily person?

As much I want to decipher their words I really want to leave. "Olivia I need to talk to you."

"I can't right now." She silences what ever the other two where going to say with a look.

"No I need to talk to you now, I want to go."

I can see she is already losing her patience. "Then go, I'll see you at home." She pulls the keys out of her pocket and hand them to me.

"I want you to come with me."

"Natalia." She turns fully to me her face red with angry. "Please okay, I am trying to talk to Rodney and Beth, so if you want to go just go and I'll see you at home."

Beth downs another shot while Rodney picks at the shelled nuts.

I feel torn at the moment. I'm mad at Tracey for his words, I'm mad at Olivia for not coming with me and for not caring why I want to go. I'm mad at myself because I'm mad enough to leave her here.

I turn around without even bothering to give her one last look. If she doesn't care why I'm upset then I should leave. Obviously her friends are more important then me. These people who she hadn't seen in years are more important than me.

I rush out of the bar letting the warm wind hit my face. This is exactly what I needed some fresh air.

I don't know how long I walked; I only turned around when my legs start to burn. So here I am again across from the bar trying to find the courage to go back inside.

I lean against the brick wall debating what I should do next. I know I have to avoid Tracey or should I. If there is one thing that Olivia has taught me it was to face my fears, whether they be real or part of my vivid imagination. Maybe I should say something to her first.

After all he is her friend; she should be the one to put him in check.

But what if she doesn't believe me or just chalks it up to some drunk or high rant that he probably won't remember in the morning.

I breathe in deep. I need to get away from this place with my mind intact.

The door swings open with a loud thud against the wall.

Beth stumbles out of the bar holding onto the wall but eventually gravity wins and she slides down to the ground. She doesn't stop at sitting on the ground but continues to lay down only to be surrounded by three men.

I run across the street, to help a fellow woman, not my enemy.

"Hey leave her alone!" I yell at them as they try to pick her up. I don't believe all men are up to no good but they way they were looking tonight wouldn't have ended to well for Beth.

They all hold their hands up as they walk away.

I pull Beth up to a sitting position trying to stabilize her.

"Getthefuckoffme." She slurs the words into one.

"I'm trying to help you." I let her go only when I am sure she's able to support herself.

"Idon'tneedyourfuckinghelp… ."

A lesser person would have left her to fend for herself with all these men standing around, but not me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to her, no matter what she calls me.

I stand beside her in silence for what seems like hours.

"You think you're better than us." She sways even thought she's sitting down. "Oh don't even try to deny it. It shows in every thing you do."

I don't humor her with an answer or reply.

"She said it, she said she was better then us because she had the 'American dream'." Beth is somehow able to lift herself up to a some what standing position. "Both of you are wrong, she is and always will be a lair and a drug addict."

Instead of a snappy comeback, I decide to reproach Beth. Tracey or Keith which ever one it was said a lot of things earlier that I need clarified, I know she can help me here.

"You think you can change her?" Beth's hand wave through the air threatening to knock her down.

"What is it to you?"

"You can't, not you or Dory." She laughs like an evil villain. "You're just like her. You pretend you are above everyone and everything."

I lean back against the wall preparing myself for her rant. Maybe she will say what I want to hear without me questioning her.

"Oh yes Doris Wolfe, better than me. Pfft, yeah right. She used to be just like those idiots in there, if not worse."

I listen to her but the notion seems too foreign for my brain to comprehend. Candy's testimony told that Doris was a drug user that much is not in question, but the fact that she could act like Keith or Tracey. I just can't see Doris being anything but serious.

"But that was before Olivia Spencer hit the scene. You should have seen how hard up Dory was for her. Bet they didn't tell you about all the sex they had."

I have to give it to her, she's good. Digging at my weak spots even though I keep my face blank.

"Jealous." I see her reaction out the side of my eyes; she looks like I just slapped her. "Olivia has changed, for herself and for us."

"What do you owe her?"

I look at the ground wondering just how much she knows about my former life. "I owe her my life."

"What!" She starts to laugh.

For the first time since we started to talk I look her in the face. She grows serious clenching her teeth. "You think he was the first body under their belts." She looks away with a sad look. "Ask David Weller or Lily."

Her words snap something in side of me, how dare she accuse Olivia of being some kind of vicious killer. She wouldn't hurt anyone unless forced to, and who the hell is this Lily or Weller. "Why are you here?"
"Because I owe her too." The melancholy in her voice alleviates some of my anger.

I look away just so I won't try to comfort her.

"Oh shit." Tracey and Keith come stumbling out of the bar their arms around each other. They hit the pavement with a loud thud.

They both roll onto their backs laughing at their predicament until their faces are red as the sun.

"Dude get you hand off my junk." Tracey rolls away from Keith. "Gaywad."

"Hey Natalia you should have been there." Keith looks up at me with snot and spit running down his face. "Olivia was like…" He makes a face before he and Tracey began laughing again.

I shake my head at both of them; no way had Doris acted like that.

"I didn't know you all were back in town." Father Ray comes to stand beside Beth giving her a disapproving look.

"Father." I greet him with a nod of my head, happy at the interruption.

"More like faggot." Tracey jumps of the ground pulling Keith up with him.

They surround Father Ray mere inches from his face like two high school bullies.

"Alright fellas lets calm down." Father Ray tries to put some room between the three of them with no success.

"Or what bitch? What are you on the prowl for lost little boys?" Tracey growls loudly.

"What happen to you as a child has nothing to do with me." Father Ray answers back taking a step away form the two.

Keith laughs, his eyes wide, pointing at Tracey. "Dude he totally got you."

"Fuck you." Tracey pushes him and they start to wrestle falling to the ground again.

"Fucking retards." Beth slides back down the wall.

"Natalia."

I follow Ray a few steps away from the tussling two.

"How is Olivia?" He looks over my shoulder.

"Fine, I mean, I don't know. She won't talk to me." I sign letting my shoulders slump.

"That's…" He points at Beth.

"Beth, her old friend."

Relief floods his posture.

Who else could it be?

"Right, okay." He looks around, for what I have no clue. "Tell Olivia to call me."

"Okay, but you are still accompanying me on my trip."

"Of course. I know you are just as excited as I am to tour the underground shelters."

"I am." I really am, but I am having second thoughts. I don't feel comfortable leaving Olivia her with them. I never thought I would say the words but I wish Doris were here with Olivia while I'm away. I would hate to cancel my trip knowing how hard it was for Father Ray to get access to some of the homes we are visiting.

He looks over my shoulder again with a look of worry.

I want to ask what his problem is but I'm afraid of the answer. What if he came here for Olivia? What if my mother was right and Olivia has been lying to me this whole time? What if he knows everything up till now has been a lie and is trying to protect me?

"Yes well I should get going." He smiles at me before walking away.

I walk back towards the bar rejoining the trio against the wall.

Keith is bent over holding his nose.

"Gross." Beth steps away from him.

He stands up with blood running down between his fingers. "Don't worry." His voice is muffled by his hand. "It happens." He takes the tail of his shirt holding it up to his nose.

"Someone need a new nose?" Tracey jokes. "Hey Beth, where did you get your fixed?"

"Fuck you Tracey." She actually spits at him.

He jumps out of the way knocking Keith down to the ground.

"Dude you better not bleed on my shoes." Tracey kicks Keith in the side making him roll away from him.

"You fucking asshole." Keith gets up leaning against someone car, dripping blood on the hood.

"I think I'm gong to be sick."

Even in the dim light of the street he looks pale.

I try to help him stand or at least get back the wall that could hold him up. "Help me." I call out to the others but they are walking away.

"Fuck him." Beth throws over her shoulder.

"Just sit down for a minute." I guide him down the curb. "I'll be right back, just stay awake."

He nods propping himself up with one arm.

I run back into the bar searching the crowd for Olivia or Rodney.

"HEY LOOK WHO IT IS?" Rodney jumps out of no where into my face.

I step back offended by his breathe.

"Hey." Olivia jumps on his back look at me over his shoulder. "I thought you went home."

I look at her silently. Am I shocked or mad? Neither I knew the night was going to end like this, but I still thought I would have more of a visceral reaction. I thought I would make a scene; slap him and maybe her. Maybe even flip over a table, but I know I wouldn't really do that, it's just something that ran through my head while I was walking, some outrageous reaction.

"Keith is sick."

"That fucking asshole, I swear he can't keep a secret down." Rodney pushes past me with Olivia on his back.

I stop to pick up Beth and Olivia's purse before following them outside.

Olivia hops down off of Rodney's back bending over Keith who is laid out on the ground.

"He's fine; pick him up so we can get him to the hotel." Olivia pats Rodney's shoulder jump starting him into action. "Come on Natalia lets find the car."

Suddenly all the angry of today hit me; her keeping Rodney's presence away from me, her drinking, her not caring that I was upset, her ordering me around like I'm one of them, her lying to me.

I plant myself to the spot where I stand refusing to follow.

She noticing I'm not following. "Natalia lets go."

"No."

"Oh oh." Rodney adjusts Keith onto his shoulder turning back to us.

"I'm going to my mother's."
"Why?" Olivia asks like it's not obvious why I'm mad. She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Can we not do this tonight?"

"Yes we can that's why I'm gong to my mother's. I'll bring the car to the hotel in the morning." I turn around leaving them on the side of the street.

After the way I talked to my mother defending Olivia as she pays me back by doing this.

"Fuck it lets go." I hear her say.

After a night of tossing and turning I walk into the local bakery around 10 a.m. I'm mad at everyone now. I can't believe my mother had the nerve to not tell me she had seen Rodney, my children had been in the car with him.

It took me an hour to get out of bed and not sulk for the rest of the day. Sulking never got me anywhere. I need to express to Olivia how she hurt me by her action and maybe I can get through to her that she has a problem.

I spot Beth at the check in counter. She looks much better that she did last night. She white shirt and pants set sparkle like new.

I stroll up to her with an air full of confidence I have never possessed and still don't. "I think we got off one the wrong foot." I lean against the counter somewhat casual, anything to stop from fidgeting.

She looks at me with a bewildered stare then starts to laugh, confusing me, then angering me. "Look I'm trying." I bite my tongue to keep from calling her a nasty word that rhythms with witch.

"No, I'm sorry. I get this all the time." She smirks at me holding her hand out. "I'm Lily."

"Lily?" I leave her hand suspended between us. The woman everyone was talking about last night.

"Yes, ma'am." She pulls her hand back. "You are probably looking for my sister Beth." She looks away from me then back. "Anyway I do not blame you for not liking her but don't take it out on me."

I let the shock run its course before feeling my face turn red. "Oh my god, I'm so-"

"Don't, please she has that affect on people, especially significant others." Lily winks at me before turning back to the cashier paying for her Danish.

I feel myself blush even more, is she flirting with me.

"I wouldn't even mind if you called her a bitch, God knows I have."

She's reading my mind.

Lily shakes her shoulder length hair but it fall back perfectly around her face.

"I wouldn't."

"I'll do it for you." We both laugh.

It feels good to know that my feelings aren't unfounded. Its not my uneasy feeling of jealously that is leading the way and it's not because she was drunk or in a bad mood, she's just a bitch.

I sigh in relief of finally being able to say it even in my head.

"You said it didn't you?" She gives me a knowing smile.

"I still feel like I need to apologize for my tone."

"How about you take me to lunch, I shouldn't be having this anyway." She holds up the apple Danish.

"Um, sure."

"Great if you're not busy now I know this great little place serves breakfast all day and I am just determined to ruin my diet."

"Okay, sure."

After we are seated at our table silence wraps itself around us.

I guess our mutual dislike of Beth is not really a great lunch conversation.

"I heard this place has great margaritas." I pick up my menu trying to get some more information about who she is.

"I don't drink." She gives me an apologetic smile.

Thank god. She really is the good twin. "Me neither."

"Just checking, huh?" Her eyes twinkle with wit.

A few seconds pass, could have been a few minutes, but the silence is deafening.

I know it would be rude just to jump in to questioning her. I wonder if she knows they talk about her behind her back, more like argue about her. What I really want to know is what she didn't to tear them apart. Did she date Olivia a long time? Was she also in love with Olivia? Did Olivia love her like she loves me? Does she want Olivia back? And how did she overcome when her sister didn't?

Lily exhales loudly gaining my attention. "Look this doesn't have to be awkward." She reaches across that table but doesn't try to touch me. "I've been where your place, the constant wondering, so maybe this will easy your mind. Olivia and I were involved in a relationship. But please know that I am not here to win her back." She hurries to cover herself. "Maybe Beth but not me."

"Why should I believe you?" The question flows out of my mouth before I have a chance to filter it.

Her eyes soften but she smiles. "Between us, Olivia and I didn't have the healthiest relationship. We were both using heavily; that and two head strong people don't mix. Something had to give."

For some reason I believe her. I don't know if it is the look in her eyes or the tone of her voice but I believe her.

"Okay." I say to her looking back to the menu.

"If you don't mind I would love it if you didn't tell anyone I'm in town. Just making sure Beth keeps her damage to a minimum. So let's talk about something that will take my mind off of the calories of their short stack with hash browns and omelet."

In no time we are chatting like old friends, I tell her about the center and she even offered to donate money. We are alike in so many ways. She even has a cross necklace that she never takes off, says it's her lucky charm. I used to think mine would protect me from the abuse.

Before I know it we've shared dessert and have moved on to coffee.

Her laugh is infectious, showing two perfect rows of pearly whites. "No I'm telling you I work, but it's with a lot of head strong people, they will not back down."

"I couldn't image working in that kind of high stress environment."

"It's no problem for me, I'm used to head strong people, it just a matter of breaking them down usually." The look in her eyes is one of determination, something I would probably be scared of in any other setting.

Her words seem strange to me. I get the feeling she's not just talking about people in her work.

"So tell me how is marriage going for you?" She asks sipping then adding more sugar.

"It's been wonder to say the least. Olivia is just perfect our kids adore her so much." I dig down in my purse pulling out a picture of Rafe and Emma hugging Olivia. I pass it across the table watching Lily melt at the picture.

"Oh my god they are so precious." She pulls out a picture from her own purse. The picture is of three girls all in red dresses and white sweaters. They look just like her, blonde hair and gray eyes.

"They are so cute."

"From my first husband, it's the only reason I stayed with him so long. Enough about me." She takes another sip. "So are you two trying for a third? I know much of a tease Olivia can be." She winks at me with a shy grin on her lips.

"Oh please." I wave her off. "Olivia has to pry the children at the center from my arms."

"That's really is a noble thing you are doing, with those women and children. I used to do my part in teaching self defense."

"I do it because I was once in their shoes. But that was before Olivia."

Lilly forces a smile to her face that never reaches her eyes.

"She is just great with Rafe and Emma."

"I'm glad to hear she is doing better. God." She huffs. "When we were in school it was bad for both of us. I didn't think she would live to see graduation. My heart stopped when she showed up. Anyway she used to be a real flirt and really kinky, like bondage." Her eye gloss over like she has forgotten where she was and who she was talking to. She quickly recovers with an apologetic smile. "I am so sorry you don't want to hear about our sex life."

I know it was bad but I had no ideal it was that bad. Olivia never tells me the whole story just snippet here and there while we lay in bed after a particularly bad night. She doesn't want me to know about her party days or her so called weaknesses. She doesn't want to tarnish my image of her.

Its like I tell her all the time, I know she wasn't a virgin when I met her and I know she was an addict. Just because I tell her she is perfect doesn't mean I live by it, she is human and allowed to have fault. I would be crazy to just blindly look past them all the time, but what I don't know is why. What I want to know is how it shaped her life, the good, the bad and the blurry. Sometimes I feel lift out of that part of her life. Anytime I push, she gets so mad and retreats into herself. And it's not just any argument it turns into a full blown melt down. She'll leave for hours without calling but she does come home like she promised.

"Why wouldn't she show up to her own graduation?"

"That night before…oh we shouldn't be discussing her without her consent."

Damn she's right.

"She must have told you why we broke up."

"No." She didn't even tell me they dated. In fact the first time I've heard the name Lily was yesterday.

"We had the same problem, communication, what with the drugs and Wolfe always between us."

I groan at the mention of Doris. She has to know how I feel about that relationship no matter how much I accept it. She's been through the same thing.

Lily laughs. "Trust me I know. I could go on and on about her but there are not enough hours in the day and you would eventually need sleep, so don't get me started." She shakes her head looking at me with striking gray eyes. "That night," She starts off slowly. "Olivia threw a party and we were drinking pretty heavily and doing drugs. Everyone left and we settled down for the night."

Her eyes tear up. "We fought about Wolfe…I found out there were so many other girls. Things got out of control, we both had tempers." She scoffs wiping at her eyes. "Olivia can be pretty mean when she wants to, I just kept pushing her."

Lily's eyes drop to the table. She combs her long strains behind her ear and I have to grip the table to keep from gasping. There is a long scar running from behind her ear down under her chin.

"I was in their shoes too." She looks up at me with watery eyes. "But that was with Olivia."

My breathe catches in my chest. It couldn't be. She has to be lying. Olivia would never do anything like that to someone. Why would she lie?

"No." I cover my mouth with my hand. I don't believe it.

"Please I didn't show you that to scare you or even change your opinion of Olivia, just as a warning."

"She wouldn't." I stand up gathering my things.

"She did." Lily puts her hand on my arm. "Please she is your wife and has changed so much, don't hold something she did when she was high against her."

I look at Lily, not sure what to say. Is this why Olivia won't tell me about those years? Was she abusive? No, she wouldn't, would she?

"I have to go." I excuse myself from the restaurant.

Lily follows me to the parking lot. "Please Natalia calm down."

"No, no." I turn around to face her. "How can I and you just told me my wife did that," I point at her face.

Self consciously she combs her hair back over the scar.

"She did that to you?" I ask in disbelief.

"She didn't mean it, like I said she was high and angry. She changed right?"

"Yes."

"Then let the past stay where it belongs. Don't ruin what you have over something that was my fault."

Her words knock the air out of my chest again. She's taking the blame for being abused. I know why, I did the same thing but not with Olivia. Never with Olivia.

"Excuse me." I climb into the borrowed SUV which I'm not sure why I am still driving.

The whole ride to the hotel I push the speed limit and probably ran a few yellow lights but I pull up the hotel and stump in with a bitter determination.

"Mrs. Rivera, good afternoon." Greg greets me in his normal chirper voice, but I am in no mood.

"Olivia?"

"Ah, she's in the dining hall with her friends. I left you a message that she asked you to come later in the afternoon, did you not get it." Greg moves in my path to the dining hall.

"No I forgot my phone again."

"You really should get you a belt holder, I noticed you have a habit of leaving your phone at home." He talks nervously still standing in my way.

"Greg, if you don't move I'll be forced to move you."

He thinks for a second before stepping aside. "But can you tell her I tried."

I nod my head before almost running down the hall.

Olivia, Rodney, Tracey, and Keith are all sitting at a table.

"I guess you couldn't wait to get me out of your hair so you could drink." I exclaim across the room.

Olivia jumps out of her chair intercepting me before I can scream anymore. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She pushes me through the double door leading to the kitchen area.

"My problem Olivia is that you promised me you wouldn't drink and yet here you are." I pull out of her grasp. I don't what her touching me, it might be a lie too.

"It was one-"

I cut her off. "What! One drink, that's all I here from you Olivia. It was one drink, but its not. It never was. You've been lying to me this whole time."

"Lower your voice."

"No, how many have you really had."

"None of your fucking business."

I feel like she just slapped me. Then I feel like I'm blowing this out of portion because of what Lily just told me but I know I'm not. Olivia has a problem that she refuses to address.

"Olivia."

"God, what Natalia? What is it that you what me to do, all I am trying to do is have a good time. Okay?"

"It's not okay that you've been lying to me." I soften my voice trying to get through to her one way or another. This avoidance thing we've been doing is going to tear us apart. I can't stand by silently anymore. I need answers now. I need my Olivia to talk to me, not Green. "Who is Lily?"

She looks at me with a blank stare almost like she didn't hear me. "I don't know anyone named Lily."

"You're going to lie to my face." I throw my hands in the air. When did we start on this road of dishonesty. "Do you care or even know what you are doing?"

"I know what I am doing." Olivia paces in front of me ruffling her hair.

"Did you know what you where doing to Lily's face?"

Her head jerks in my direction with a look I've never seen before. It's scary to say the least.

"How do you…It's not what you think."

"Then tell me, because I am and sick and tired of hearing it from everyone else."

She stands silent staring at the wall. "Then stopping fucking prying into my business!"

"What?"

"Why don't you go to your mother and talk about me behind my back. Better yet go on your little trip with Ray."

My mind is reeling from her words. What happened to us?

"Olivia?" Her words sting, I don't think I've ever heard her speak to me in such a way.

"If I want to drink I will and there is nothing you can do about it." Olivia scuffs her shoes on the floor. "I don't know what it is going to take to get you to trust me but I am tired of trying to prove myself to you and everyone else. I'm sorry if I'm not good enough for you or if I don't have the same religious values as you do but I'm me. I'm Olivia Spencer. I think you need to decide if I'm what you want or if the ideal of me was it. I don't need you to police me. I don't want you hanging over my back all the time. So go on your trip. You'll see I won't drink not one drop but not because you think I have a problem but because I want to prove to you I don't."

She combs her hands through her hair grinding her teeth. "I'll see you when you get back."

"We aren't finished talking."

"Yes we are. Call me when you land. I don't care either way." She walks out through the doors.

When I finally composed myself their table is empty.

I don't know what I'm feeing right now. I don't know if I should go after her or just go home. Should I stay here or go on my trip.

How did I let things get so out of control?

It's a childish approach to take but I'm going to take it. If she doesn't care than I don't care. Maybe the best thing for us is to be apart. Maybe what ever this is will have worked its way out of her system when I get back. I'm sick and tired of having to snoop, when it could be as simple as her telling me what I want to know. Marriages aren't supposed to have secret and yet hers keep popping out at every turn in the road.

I will go on my trip and she can do whatever she wants with out having to hide from me.

Olivia

Today is as about as worse and worse gets. First I was able to avoid Natalia after out fight but somehow she caught up with me this morning. I know I was wrong for talking other the way I did but she had no business talking to Lily.

There was not much I could say to make things right. I messed up, I let my weak come through and I took it out on her.

She was still mad when she left. She was more sad than mad that I talked to her the way I did. But I promised her it was the alcohol talking and even went so far as to show her a scheduled appointment with a therapist and a pamphlet of AA meetings that I'm going to attend.

I think the only thing that made her feel at least a little better was the fact that the pack had checked out of their hotel room last night. I think she thought they had left.

It still took a lot of convincing by Father Ray and her mother to leave.

Then again I think she left to get away from me. She might be just a little scared of me now and some distance is what we need. But first I have to take care of some business.

As soon as Natalia's plane left the ground all I could see was red. How the hell did Lily slip into town without my knowledge, better yet how did she get close to my wife. There is no telling what she is capable of doing.

When I told Rodney he almost put a hole in the wall something I felt like doing myself but instead of doing damage to myself I'm going to do it to her.

I pull up to the bed and breakfast and she there, standing out in the garden like she belongs there.

The slamming our car doors make her turns around and for a second I feel good. Her face is full of shock but she quickly covers it with a blank face that she has worn since those days.

"Rodney, stay." I command him as I approach Lily.

"It's good to see you again." She smiles bringing the piping hot coffee mug up to her lips. "Have you been a good girl for me?"

I explode at her comment swing and knocking the cup out of her hand. I want to howl at some of the liquid spilling onto the back of my hand but I won't give her the satisfaction. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Not happy right now."

"You stay the fuck away from Natalia or I swear to God…"

"What Green, you going to stick your hound dogs on me. You think I'm scared of you or Doris?" She smiles smugly like she has won something.

"I'm not kidding." I clench my fist ready for a real fight.

"Oh I know that's why I had to talk to her first before you spread any lies about me." As calm as the summer nights she bends down picking up the cup. "I guess she told you what we talked about, mainly you. What you did to my face, how much of a slut you are."

"You think I believe your lies."

"No we did, she told me about your…how should I put it…hesitations in the bedroom area."

I grab her shirt bunching it up in my fist. "Shut up."

"I told her how much of a whore you were, how you begged for me to punish you when you weren't a good little girl for me."

I shove her backwards, she trips falling to the ground. My head is starting to swim. I can't let her get in my head again. I'm stronger that that.

"Tell me Olivia you still want to be tied up." She lifts herself to her feet keeping her distance. "Because I could do that for you, but I promised Natalia she could have you first."
"Shut up."

"You should have seen her face when I told her how you wanted it."

I take a step towards her fully intending on shutting her mouth with my fist.

She holds her hand up backing away from me. "I promised her I wouldn't tell you but she said she couldn't wait to fuck you into submission."

Before she can finish I rush her connecting my hand to her face. Her head whips back rustling her perfectly face framing hair.

She stands in disbelief she wants to attack but she knows better. She faster and stronger than me but she knows when she been beaten.

"You either leave today, right now or I promise you your stay will be painful." I look her dead I her eyes, I can't let her hurt Natalia. She's evil with an angelic exterior. I know personally she can fool a lot of people and get them to let their guards down, but not my wife. I can't let her do that to her.

Lily laughs like I just told her a joke. "You are such a tease," She holds up her hands again when I approach. "Okay, okay, I'm gone."

"If I come back here tonight and you are still here…"

"I guess Beth is good enough but I never was."

"And never will be."

She shrugs her shoulders. "I'm gone, but believe me. Natalia will contact me. She's so sweet I think I might teach her a thing or two when she comes to me."

I don't respond instead I watch her disappear inside before I let my guard slowly fall. My whole body hurts from being tense so long. I'm usually not violent. I hate to physically fight, but Lily brings that out of me, especially when I feel like I or the people I love are in danger.

And I would do anything necessary for Natalia; I just hope that does occur again.

God I need a drink, but not until after I'm sure she is gone.

"That's what I'm talking about Gre- I mean Olivia." Rodney bounces excitedly in front of the car. "You should have decked her right in her ugly face again. What'd she say?"

"Get in the car."

We both get back in the car. The adrenaline I was running on has begun to wane.

"So what's next?"

"Five days. Five days before Natalia is due back. I have to tell her about Lily and why she has to stay away from her." I start the engine, praying I have the strength to go through with it.

"What's there to tell? She should be proud of you."

"I can't lose her."

"Why would you?"

I back out into the street, taking a deep breath before I start back to the hotel. "I want to have a party and tell Keith and Tracey they can come. After this no more drinking."

"Okay."

"I'm serious. I have to be sober for Natalia and our kids. They are depending on me to keep my promises to them."

"Okay! Whatever you say."

The party is in full swing as I make my way into the suite. It was supposed to be one night but we decided we needed another few nights.

I go to my bedroom a little more than drunk. Sleep is more important than anything right now. In two days everything will be right, Natalia will be home, but I'll have to explain why Rodney is still here. But the pack will be gone.

It took thousands of promises not to drink to get Natalia to get on the plane with Father Ray. And I kept those promises exactly 10 hours.

I laugh at myself.

I shouldn't laugh, that probably means I have a problem. Which would mean everyone was right all along.

Anyhow I'm just glad we parted on good terms or as best as the situation would allow. I did keep one promise. I have called her everyday to check in, even if I get her answering machine. She's giving me the silent treatment, I still leave a message on phone.

The pillow feels like heaven under my head. No matter how sleepy or drunk I am my body won't quit. The tension of not being with Natalia has got my body humming with unreleased tension. I miss our adult time.

"Fine." I say rolling over on my back. The thoughts run rapidly behind my eyelids never stilling long enough for me.

I pick up my phone calling Natalia. Phone sex is one of our favorite past time even if we are at home I'll go to another room just to call her. The call goes to her voice mail but just the sound of her voice is good enough for me. My hand slips under the waist band of my silk pajamas.

"Oh god."

The first touch of her cool finger are always enough to make me fall. I think it would impossible to love anyone more than I love Natalia; the way she always knows how I feel, how it's enough to just hold me when I relapse about her being inside of me. Just the thought of her compromising makes me change my mind. Sometimes I need her inside of me, without even the want of release. Sometimes I just need her there to reassure me just touch me to let me know this is real.

I can feel her fingers dance around my clit teasing me. "Don't torture me babe." She presses harder. "Right there."

"Here?" A body presses down onto me interrupting the pattern of my hand.

My eyes fly open at the voice. I try to close my legs but she's already there, forcing her hand between us.

"You been teasing my all night."

"Lily stop!" I'm barely able to croak fighting against her hands.

She has the upper hand pressing her weight down on my chest, our hands fight for position with her getting the better of me.

I feel slow and sluggish from the alcohol.

Her hands rip at the silk material covering my body. The straps on my nighty break, the seams of the pant rip with a cruel sound. My bra the last thing covering me is pushed up, exposing my chest.

Somehow we lock our free hands but she's quicker and she takes hold of my wrist push it above me head. I hear more that I feel the pop in my shoulder and I know I'm in trouble. The pain hits me like a train, knocking the air out of my chest. For a second I really think about passing out but I know I can't. No matter how much it hurts the pain I would wake up to would be much more.

"Come on Green you know you want it." She whispers in my ear, fingering at my entrance.

I try to push her off my but my strength fails me. I feel like a helpless kitten fighting.

"Please Lily stop." I find my voice but only a fraction of it. I wish I could scream, but I screamed the first time and no one was there to help.

"You're so wet."

My fight doubles as I feel her hand slide across my sex. I finally extract her hand but she's still stronger pinning both my arms above my head with one hand again. Her other hand pulls my shirt down lower.

I can't breathe with her here. The blood pumps through my ears at a deafening pace. I try to buck her off my.

"Keep going, Livia. You feel so good." I stop, lying still, maybe playing right into her hand. "I felt how wet you were, you can't convince me you don't want it." She says this looking down at me like a predator that has caught his prey. "I didn't even bring the cuffs this time." I feel her grind onto me.

My eyes become too blurry to see.

I feel like I'm back in college, the day before graduation when everything is supposed to change. You are supposed to become an adult, a real one. You're supposed to get a job, start a stable family, let go of childish things, but that was the day before.

That night I was lying in my room high from a whole day of drugs with my legs spread open like a common whore. That was the day when Lily asked me if I was ready and I stupidly answered maybe. I asked her to go slow, be gentle. She didn't. When I said stop we fought she tied my arm to the bed, she grabbed, pinched, bit at my sensitive flesh.

I said stop, screamed, cried, but she didn't that day. That day she buried her fingers inside of me, burning a hole in my soul, my body. That day I screamed at the pain, until she came riding the back of her own hand. She stayed in me on top of me kissing my neck, thanking me, telling me we should do it again, while I cried.

And when she left that was the day I tried to find a little peace. But it didn't matter. After 4 hours in the E.R. with Rodney and Doris watching my stomach being pumped and my wrist bandaged, I walked across the stage. That day I smile and decided to grow up and put yesterday aside. That day I decided to become a full blown cocaine addict, but I grew up none the less.

Lily's teeth biting into my areole brings me back. Once again her hand forces itself between my legs. She's in no rush. Her hand moves slowly between us, like my pleas for her to stop are foreplay. And maybe they are and I don't know it. Isn't it why he chose me, why she did and maybe why Natalia did? I know she wants to use restraints she's told me that much. I can see it in her eyes when she slips into dominatrix mode.

Finally I get my good arm loose enough to push her head away from my chest. Lily looks down at me with blank eyes. "You draw blood, I draw blood."

Still I dig my nails into her jaw right at the original spot. Ironically she is the one who taught me defensive moves, she taught the women defense class at the college. And with all my knowledge and strength I can't win. I never have been able to win. Just like last time she'll lay beside me, cuddling, telling me how good I was and how we should do it again, and how if I would just stop struggling I would have liked it to.

I can feel the warm liquid of saliva running down the side of my breast. With only one arm working I decide to fight her hand, I let her jaw go digging my nails into her forearm trying to extract it with all my might.

"I bet Natalia has loosened you up for me. Did she?" Her hand rubs against my now desert dry sex, once, twice, three times. "Come on, we know you like it hard and rough. She told me."

I feel light headed, like I can sleep now but I can't. Lily's finger is wiggling its way into me. "Please, Lily no. Please." My voice is hoarse to my own ears. I wonder if she even heard me.

"Why do you tease me like that? Huh?" Her hand wraps around my throat squeezing the tears out of my eyes, she lays on my side pulling her hand out of my ripped pants.

The feeling of her breath against my ear is sickening. "Not so tough now are we?"

"Please let me go." It's getting harder to breathe.

"Not until you say it, say you are sorry for teasing me."

"I'm sorry." I whisper trying to keep it from reaching my ears.

Her hand squeezes tighter.

"I'm sorry for teasing you." I yell hoping it's enough for her to let the oxygen flow freely again.

"Tsst, tsst. Now what would Natalia think if she heard you've been unfaithful." Her hold loosens. "I was prepared to take you until you passed out."

I feel her free hand run down my chest again.

"You know she already thinks you're a whore, I just hate to be the one to confirm it for her, but I'm sure she'll know how to break you. I'll be sure of that." She relaxes beside me but her hold never loosens enough for me to break free. I wrap my hand around her fingers trying to find more room to breathe.

"Does she call you a good girl when she fucks you, I bet you like that, don't you. Did you tell her I was the first to call you that?" She climbs back on top of me with steel eyes. "I don't want to hear about this. Did you hear me?"

Lily squeezes my breast so hard I almost scream from the pain. It almost makes me forget about the pain in my shoulder.

"Yes."

"I like it more when you scream no." She lets me go sliding beside me.

I should get up and leave, go to the police, go home, anywhere but here. And what happens when I go home, do I tell Natalia? Would she believe me, knowing the history of me and Lily? What would I tell her? She'll know and though she would try she won't be able to keep the revulsion out of her eyes. She'll think I asked for it in my drunken state, maybe I did. I should have locked the door instead of being in such a hurry to call her. How could I have been so stupid and got so complacent with others around. I used to be on top of things, didn't I?

I push Lily away rolling out of the bed. I barely make it to the commode before releasing everything I had eaten. After a few minutes the dry heaving stops.

Lily stands at the door with a look of disgust. Do I disgust her? Do I disgust Natalia?

Maybe it's just me who is prone to being attacked, falling victim to my own flirtatious personality. After all she wouldn't have done that if I hadn't teased her.

I hold my torn shirt up over my chest trying to hold on to what little dignity I had left in her eyes.

"Next time." She winks at me before leaving.

The cold tile cradles my body until I am numb all over. The floor is actually warmer that I am. The ability to feel has somehow been lost. This numbness is foreign but familiar and welcomed. Am I in shock? How long have I been on the floor? Who knows? How long will the numbness last? Who cares?

The room spins like a record being scratched, but somehow I manage to stand. I make it to the bedroom.

The numbness begins to fade flooding my whole being with pain. Everything hurts. Did she make it inside of me? I don't even remember, but it hurts, my chest, my arm, back, my…No do not think about it. I struggle to stand up holding my displaced arm against my body. The first things I have to do it stop the pain. I rummage through the medicine cabinet finally finding the pain pills. I open the bottle with my teeth with pure determination. Without second thought I empty half the bottle in my palm and throw them in my mouth. I feel them slide dryly down my throat.

I sit down on the toilet waiting for the pills to take effect then it hits me. I just took hand full of high dosage pain pills. Immediately I turn around sticking my finger down my throat. The pills come up without much hesitation.

I drop back down on the floor. "Why the fuck would you do that? That was stupid, you could have killed yourself."

I just want the pain to go away, forever.

I swipe the rest off the pills off the counter swallowing two of them.

After a few minutes I start to the feel the numbing effect of the drug course through my body. The pain in my shoulder starts to die down.

I don't know how long it has been but I know I need to get up. As much as I would like to sit down here and sleep I have to keep my eyes open I know what will happen if I close them.

As the world wobbles under me I pull myself up stumbling into the bedroom.

I change clothes the best way I can with one arm. The pajama pants I took off have small droplets of blood. Hopefully she just scratched me.

I redress in clean clothes. The old pajamas are ripped, torn, and spotted with blood. They are no good. No they have been spoiled, tainted by the touch of someone else besides Natalia. I've been soiled.

With a new sense of purpose I throw the dirty clothes away and reapply my make up without a mirror. I don't want to see what's staring back at me, a victim or the adulterer. I don't want to relate to them. I'm not them; I'm not any one, not yet.

I can't switch to autopilot like I used to; the pain is increasing with every step and breath. I need something to make the numbness come back so I can think, no so I can stop thinking. The pills aren't working.

I walk across the room spotting the phone on the floor stops me. I pick it up and just for the hell of it call Natalia. Voicemail again. I call Doris receiving her voice mail too.

That has to be a sign. I throw the phone onto the bed. I need something to conquer, to bend to my will. I can't wait for Natalia to get back and I couldn't possibly use her that way. Natalia is not the submissive person she used to be. Unlike me she has come a long way from the person she used to be.

I freeze at the entrance of the bedroom door. The elevator dings open and a few muffled voices float through the wooden door.

I listen carefully to make sure Lily hasn't come back, I couldn't take it if she came back to finish. The fight in me is gone and I truly don't think I would make it through the night if she succeeded this time.

"Green you up here?" I hear Tracey's voice bellow. The sound of things being knocked over startles me in to action.

As if it were a sign from God I open the door taking in the scene in front of me. Tracey, Beth, Keith and three unidentifiable women all are sprawled around the room.

Tracey sits on the couch with a large amount of cocaine spread out in front of him. He was never the person to waste time.

Beth has lain on the counter top with her head buried in her arms.

Keith and one of the girls are on the floor two second from intercourse.

"Green it's about time you joined the party!" Tracey pushes one of the girls away from him patting the seat cushion next to him. "Come sit down."

I want to go sit down but my arm is beginning to hurt again. I need to fix it before I can do anything else.

"Tracey I need you to come in here." I point back to the bedroom.

"Why?"

"Please." My cool exterior is beginning to crack. I feel like I'm being pulled in five different directions. I want to find Lily and kick her ass. I want to end this pain. I want to fix my arm. I want to run until I collapse but what I really want, what I think could help me with all those things, is those few lines of powder Tracey has separated.

Tracey follows my sight to the drugs. He picks up his kit along with a pint of vodka. He kicks Keith as he passes by. "K, get up."

"Ouch dude."

"Come on, it's not like you can get it up anyway."

"Fuck you."

I follow Tracey into the room. The pain in my arm is really starting to hurt. With my good arm I hug it closer to my body which might actually be making it worse.

"What's up with your arm?"

"I fell."

Tracey looks at me in suspicion but he lets it go.

"What's up?" Keith walks in closing the door behind him.

"I need help putting my shoulder back in place." I pull the side of my shirt down showing them the misalignment.

"Ouch, that looks like it hurts." Keith inspects my shoulder closer. "She can be fixed we have the money."

"Shut up, asshole." I sit on the bed contemplating if I should take my shirt off or not. There are scratches all over plus I don't feel like getting naked in front of anyone. "Tracey." I gesture him over.

He looks at me for a long second before picking up the mirror.

"No." He pauses. "I don't want it." I don't. I can't.

"It'll take the edge off."

"No, I can't." I focus on everything except him; truth is I want nothing more than to use but I made a promise that I would like to keep.

"Whatever. Lay back."

I can't, not on this bed.

"Olivia lay back."

"I can't." I ball my fist to keep from crying.

"Here." Keith holds out a pint. "This will help you relax."

I know I shouldn't because of the pill I took but I need something else to easy the anxiety. I take the bottle downing half the bottle in no time. Even though it burns I know it will work. Hopefully I'll forget about tonight.

We sit in silence for a long time until the room being to tilt. "Okay."

I lay back then sit up closing my eyes against the world. "Keith?" I keep my eyes closed as Tracey feels around my shoulder.

"Yea?"

"One line, then I'm finished."

"Yea?"

"Yea."

Natalia

It's been almost two days since I came back home from my trip. I expected my wife to be at the airport to greet me like she always is. Olivia was no where to be found. That was the first sign something was wrong. The second clue came in the form of me sleeping alone. No matter how I beg or call Olivia always has something to do away from me. Two days without being able to hold Olivia. Tonight is no different. She claimed she had a late phone conference with the hotel managers. I don't believe her. I visited the hotel and Greg said he hadn't seen them in days.

I hope it has nothing to do with her drinking.

Even when I get her on the phone she seems to be up and down like she is bipolar.

I hope it's just that dance we do sometimes when she needs to figure out her feelings.

"Olivia?" I sit up on the bed rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. 3 a.m. and she's just getting home. "Baby?" The trail of wrinkled clothes leads to the bathroom, which is already filled with steam. "Baby?"

"Yea?" Her voice sound a little shaky.

"What's wrong?" I love my wife; nothing in the world could change that fact. There are so many things I love about her. The expensive shampoo and conditioner, her sense of style, penetrating eyes, the way she walks, talks, or just the way she can destroy a person with a look or a word.

But more of all I love her weaknesses, because they are ours. No one else is allowed to see them, sooth them but me. I love that about us. I don't understand them sometimes, the way she can stand up to anything and anyone and in the next minute she's a trembling mass huddled in the nearest corner.

That's the time when the dance starts. When she is at her lowest and can't tell which way is up I swooped in like a hero and save her from herself.

This is one of those times; I shed my clothes, preparing for the burning sensation of the hot water. I've learned not to surprise her during these moods, she'll run, not a phone call or message for days. But I'll wait until she tries, not matter how subtle, a silent voice message, an empty text, hell even a shy wave across the room. Those are the moment I jump into action and not a moment sooner.

I drop the kids off to be spoiled at Grandma's, go to Olivia where ever she maybe, most times at the hotel. Nothing is said to be said until she says something first. I let her get in the shower first, skin melting under the hot water, I wait, and then get in, and helping her wash away what ever invisible problem is plaguing her.

"Baby I'm coming in."

"One second." The dark shadow of her silhouette moves frantically, scrubbing, washing, rinsing and repeating.

I know the water it too hot just to jump in. I have to ease in. Fully inside I stare at her back. Beautiful, more than capable shoulder blades work tirelessly. "Olivia."

As expect she'll freezes, hold a guarded position, ready to strike at a threat. The hard muscles, just underneath her soft skin ripple, taunt with anticipation.

"Come here." I'll reach besides her turning the cold water up.

The dance starts this way every time.

Step 1: Relax. I'll massage her back and shoulders, anywhere she'll let me, until her shoulders will shake with violent sobs.

Step 2: Closeness. I'll hug her close as I let her cry, turning her to me encircling her in my arms.

A place I promised she could hide and feel safe, know that she is safe. She'll fight the pull, hold up her resistance, and stand still waiting for the let down, the stinging words.

I won't do it; part of her knows it, just loves to test. I'm confident, I've never failed and I don't plan on ever doing so.

So we'll wait. I'll wait on pins and needles. This is the hardest step for me, when she cries. I hate it when she cries, even happy tears. Each tear burns a hole into my skin, harvesting the gnawing feeling in my stomach.

I wish I were strong enough to obliterate the past and start a new for her, but I can't so I dance with her.

I'll simply hold her listening to the broken sentences of anguish and pain. And when I can't take it anymore, I'll kiss her, kiss away the tears. Without much breaking of our contact I'll run us a bubble bath. I'll make it as hot as I can stand, because we'll be in it for a while, it will be cold by the time we exit.

But then we'll soak in the lavender water. She'll lay her head on my chest whispering the same story over and over and I'll reassure her none of it was her fault. But I'll listen and mourn with her for the small part of her soul she lost to him.

An hour or two she'll have fallen asleep. She'll curl up in a ball in my lap while I hold her letting her sleep terror free.

The third and last step is my favorite for selfish reasons.

Olivia doesn't think I can be submissive, but I can. Her selective memory just blocks it out. She thinks I have to be on top all the time, in control of our marital bed. I like when she takes control sometimes. I love to see the flames spark in her eyes. They glitter just like the sun shining down on the clear sea, postcard beautiful.

It starts simple enough with plenty of sleep. We sleep in the tub then move to the bed where we sleep more. I'll fall in to a light sleep. The kind of sleep a parent gets when they have a sick child. Every creak, cough or movement has one eye opening listening for more. I rarely wake up to Olivia's strangled cries mostly it's to her wondering hands. She'll pinch and tickle my stomach, ribs, and finally my breast.

I don't say anything or beg I just let her explore, tease; solidifying our bond through silent obedience.

She needs it, to feel in control of something more than herself, so I give in to her. I let her choose the pace, how, where, or when. I just follow, take hints, and submerse myself in her. I feel closer to her in these moments, like I can read her mind.

Her hand will never stop its manipulation of my body as she lays timid, silent in appreciation of my submission. She'll play, strumming the nerves just under the skin, always striking the right cord.

Under her fingertips my skin will bump and jump in excitement. Her fingers will ignite little flames, each individual spark jumping in its cage like a bucking horse. They wait for more fuel, more air to help it grow. She won't give it to them; slow is the name of the game. The first word that will come out of mouth since the shower is 'please'.

She'll smile lazily, nonchalant, but her eyes will glitter more, shining in lust and predatory. She'll move but just up to her elbow, just hovering. Her eyes will travel hungrily up and down the mountain and valleys of my body, trying to decide where to strike first. Her fingers will stop right above the trim of my burning need.

Her tongue will peak out from between her full lips in keenness.

I'll close my eyes struggling to control myself.

She'll wait seeing my struggle; she'll wait until I calm down.

Finally she'll lean down placing feather light kisses in the valley of my breast, so soft I'll think its just passing air.

But her tongue will sneak out, leaving a wet trail just underside my breast.

That's what opens the gates of trapped flames, each and everyone. Her velvet tongue will follow the path of her fingers letting each flame run free and do as it pleases. They run rapidly through my body like lab rats, trying to find their way out of the maze. The flame bump into one another turning and running another path until my whole body is ablaze.

So caught up in the feeling I won't notice she's slid between my legs. She'll let me grind against the flat surface of her stomach before stopping me. She'll taunt me more, taking already tight nipples rolling them between her fingers and lips, sucking and pinching.

She smiles down at me. I'll run my hands up from her hand to her strong shoulders never losing eye contact.

She'll take me wrist pinning them to my side growling at me for touching her.

Just for punishment she'll flick her tongue over me sensitive nipple make me whimper in pain and need. The sound alone is enough to make her grind into, briefly losing the control she had. She'll recover, smiling devilishly at me. She'll stop her teasing placing butterfly kisses down my body, and then she'll stop, hovering so close to my spot just below my naval. The one spot that will ignite the fires into full blown infernos. I'll be able to feel the warmth of her breathe against my skin. She'll stay there still holding my hands at bay. The heart of the fire will burn just below her lips and just when I think I've found my center she'll kiss the spot, licking and nipping. Her tongue will dance around striking it as if it were the actual center of my need. But it will work, my hips will come off the bed and she'll nip at the place sending the fire to once again run amok. It'll run crashing together in my chest and up through my throat coming out as one loud ear drum piercing scream. She'll enter me without warning while the fire consumes me interrupting all signals coming or leave my brain. Every follicle of hair will stand on edge singed by the heat.

But she'll keep at it, sucking the spot all the while pumping into me with two then three fingers. Never letting my soul touch the ground before being thrown back to heaven. The second orgasm will have started to subside, so she will move down further taking my real need between her lips, holding, feeling it pulse, vibrate and beg for more and she'll comply licking, biting, and sucking while her fingers continue to fill me.

From that point on I'll be in heaven, never knowing when one orgasm ends or when the next begins; where she beings and I end. I won't care until she is satisfied that she has bent me to her will, satisfied that she has some control over her life again and that I'm there holding her through the night keeping her safe.

But that didn't happen tonight. Before I can call her name again she turns the water off.

"Olivia?"

"Yea?" She pulls the towel off the rack wrapping it around my body before sliding the shower door back.

NO this is definitely not that dance, something is off about Olivia. She steps out of the tub walking past me. I stand there staring at the place she was standing. What the hell is going on?

When I get into the room Olivia has already put on her clothes and is tying her shoes, the sneaker she only wears when she works out.

"Where are you going?"

"Oh I didn't tell you, Jack called and what to have a meeting with me. I thought I told you."

"You haven't spoken to me for more that two minutes since I arrived." I argue trying to figure out my next move.

"Yea well, what can I do, this is business." She shrugs standing up looking around the room.

"It's in the middle of the night."

"The meeting is in Connecticut. I know crazy but I need to be there by tomorrow to meet with him, I'll probably be gone for a couple of days. I'll call you when we land."

"We?" I follow her out of the room and down the hall to the stairs. I grab her shoulder to make her look at me, but she hisses and pulls away from me.

"Is your shoulder hurting?" I move to look at it but she backs up again.

"Please Natalia don't. I'll call you." She starts down the stairs.

"You promised me Rodney would be gone."

"No I said Beth, Keith and Tracey would be gone and they are."

"Why can't I go with you? You don't even have a bag packed." I follow her into the kitchen where she grabs her keys.

"I got one at the hotel. Plus you just got back, take a break, go to the spa or something." The sweat rolls down the side of her face. I realize her eyes are red like she has been to sleep in days.

"You're lying."

"Think what you what, I have to go but I'll call you when we land." She walks out of the door slamming it behind her.

What the hell just happened?

Rodney

Oh man this has gotten way out of hand. Fuck me good. That's what's Dory is going to do to me. Fuck me good and hard.

It's not my fault. It isn't, if they had never shown up this wouldn't be happening right now. If anything she should come back here and get them. I didn't invite any of them here. Damn she's not going to believe me. I'm going to have to run for my life.

SHIT. Maybe if I can get Olivia clean before she gets back. I doubt it but it's worth a try.

I need to get Olivia away from the pack to get her clean, but the probably won't leave until Doris comes back, but she comes back before Olivia is clean that's my ass.

I'm fucking screwed.

For a fucking week her wife has been calling me none stop, left message talking about some dude named Jack. Shit I don't know who he is. She fucking thinks we are in Connecticut. Thanks to Olivia I've been ducking and dodging that woman for almost a week.

Shit I even called Doris in my moment of panic. Luckily I just got her voice mail. She hasn't called back and there is no sign of her so I think I'm in luck for a couple more days.

Now if I could just catch up with Olivia I can start.

I didn't even know she was missing until her wife called me, I don't even know how she got my cell number, but she needs to lose it for a day or two.

The last person to see her was Jose, sells weed mostly but dabbles in coke. That was four days ago.

I should have stopped it that night in the hotel but it was kind of fun to have my old friend back.

When I woke up the next day Olivia had already started again. I reminded her of the promise she told me about but she said she had it under control and my dumbass believed her. She promised it was just until her wife came back.

Now she disappears with them having bought enough coke to kill a horse.

Shit I don't trust Jose anyway; his shit kills people with one line.

I called Tracey to see if she was with them and sure enough she was. I asked them to bring her back home but that was two days ago.

Keith burst through the lobby doors of the hotel. "Hey Rod-man. Hook us up."

"Fuck off Keith." I look over his shoulder looking for everyone else. Where the fuck is Olivia? I thought she was with them.

"Aw come on man."

"I said fuck off and where is Olivia?"

"Green?" He looks around. "She was behind me."

"Was? What the fuck does that mean?"
"Like she was here then she wasn't." He erupts in a fit of giggles.

A flash of heat rises from my chest kicking it ways out of my throat. I grab him by the throat throwing him against the desk. "Three. Two."

"Okay." He chokes out scratching at my hold around his wind pipe. I let up just enough for him to take a breath. "Probably outside with Tracey and that fine ass red head."

Just because he pissed me off I let him go and reach all the way back before slapping the shit out of him.

Keith falls to his knees holding his red cheek. "Why the fuck did you do that?"

"Just cause." I throw over my shoulder while I walk away from him.

I make it outside in the hot summer night. I remember nights like this. Like right now, coming to out of a week long binge trying to find whom ever I started it with, usually Olivia. I remember one time it took two days to find her in some low class strip club giving away our drug money.

Those were the care free days.

Now she has…well had a wife and kids, Olivia of all people had a legit family. Maybe I shouldn't have come back. She was doing well and I might have ruined everything she fought to get out.

I walk at little bit down the sidewalk. I don't see Olivia anywhere I can usually spot her in a crowd with ease.

I walk down to the alleyway and just by chance I see a shimmer of light coming form the dark corner. "Olivia?" I tip toe down the dark space just in case it's some prev or thief waiting for their next victim.

"Rodney, that you." That's definitely Olivia's voice.

I walk up to the huddled figure. "Hey."

She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. I hate to see her cry, that's why I gave her the drugs in the first place. They made her happy most of the time.

I slide down the brick wall beside her.

"I really thought I could handle it. I thought this time would be different that I could do the right thing."

In my heart I know she's not talking about the drugs maybe she's talking about her wife.

"I tried so hard not to fall back into the same shit, you know." She groans as she straightens her legs out.

"If I did something to tempt you-"

"No it was my fault. I shouldn't have been drinking. I should have gone home instead I went upstairs."

"If you wouldn't talk in cryptic terms I could maybe help."

"I promised her I wouldn't do this again. If you would have saw the look in her eyes when she saw me. I disappointed her. I disappointed everyone." She pulls out a bottle of Jack from her other side. I take hold of the bottle before she can drink it. "This isn't going to help."

"Nothing is going to help, haven't you heard a word I said. Her worst fear in me came true. I cheated on my own wife when I promised her so many times I wouldn't." Her voice rises to an almost hysterical scream.

"Okay, shh. But drinking is not going to solve anything. You have to get clean and try to make her understand you have a problem that you are trying to conquer." I twist the bottle out of her hands. "So maybe she knows you just need some space."

"She looked like she didn't even know me." She barks in laughter. "She doesn't know me. I'm a different person from the one she married. This is Olivia the drug addict not the wife."

I put my arm around her shoulders. "Personally I like both Olivia's."

She lays her head down on my shoulder. "I like the one Natalia's likes."

"Well then all we have to do is find her again."

"What if I don't want to get clean right now?"

"You have to make a choice one of these days, either you want to get your family back or you want to keep doing this crap until you stroke out one day." I tell her plain and simple. There is no in between. Trust me I've tried so many times. If she gives the drugs any leeway it will control everything with out without her consent.

I wait for her to answer; instead I hear a light snore coming from my side. I look down at her sleeping form. "Olivia?" I shake her shoulder.

I get up and as gentle as possible I cradle her in my arms walking back to the hotel.

"You found her." Keith gets up from the spot where was when I left.

"Yea passed out in an alley." I know I'm exaggerating but fuck him.

Keith steps into the elevator beside me. "I told her not to sit down, those Ativans kick in quick."

"What!" I turn to him so fast I almost throw myself off balance. "You were doing speedballs."

"Oh come on, speedballs?"

"You know what I mean."

"It's to help with the crash. It's no big deal." He shrugs his shoulders.

"No big deal, I'm the only one who remembers the last time Olivia was doing coke and downers."

"No, she just seemed like she needed them. She hasn't slept in like four days."

The doors open, I twist around blocking his entrance. "Go away."

I lay Olivia on the couch looking at my phone. Just in the last two hours I have 7 missed called for her wife.

I have to take her home, that woman is not going to rest until Olivia is there.

"Come on. I'm taking you home."

Olivia

"No Rodney I can't go home, like this. Natalia might be there. She can't see me like this. She can't see me like this." I repeat the mantra in my head. I might have messed up still I don't want Natalia to see me high.

"Olivia you have to go home and get some rest. We'll stop by…"

I must have dosed off next thing I know he's helping me to my feet.

"Olivia, we're going to get you home so you can sleep it off."

It feels like we're still on the elevator, like we're gliding across the ground to the car.

"She can't see me like this." The car gets closer then far away, then closer.

"Olivia help me here, you have to walk."

Somehow we get into the car. With every mile driven I feel better more energized. I feel like I could run home and back without breaking a sweat.

"Olivia, are you listening to me?"

"Rodney stop the car, I bet I can beat you there."

"Olivia, listen to me. We need to get you to a clinic or something." His head looks funny swiveling to me and back to the road every second.

I laugh feeling it deep in my stomach. "You have to chill Rodney."

"No Olivia. God I messed up." He reaches over forcing me to look at him. "Look at you. Everyone can tell you're dusky. It's all over your nose." He brushes my face.

I lean back against the window watching the street lights go by. After a few seconds they turn into one long streak of light hanging over head. "Rodney, look at the lights." I press my face against the glass. I roll down the window sticking my body out to get a really good look.

"What the fuck?" The car swerves as Rodney grabs hold of my shirt puling me back in. "Olivia sit down."

"Did you see it? What the light were doing."

"Yea."

He's lying. "You're lying."

"Please just sit down until we get there."

Get there, get where? Home, he's taking me home! I grab the wheel pulling it toward me.

"OLIVIA!"

We both struggle over the wheel.

"SHE CAN'T SEE ME!"

He smashes the brake but the pole implants itself in the middle of the car hood sending us both flying into the dash board. My head slams against the window. I don't know if it was my skull or the window, but something cracked.

I sit back in the seat holding my head.

"Damn it Olivia. Let me see." He moves my hand. As soon as it's gone I feel the warm trickle of liquid creeping down my face. "Damn. Sit down."

If I weren't high I would probably be in so much pain. Instead the blood just feels like something is crawling on me.

"FUCKFUCKFUCK!" He bangs the steering wheel.

"Sorry." I lean over resting my pulsing head on the door.

"We are going to have to walk to walk the rest of the way."

"Yes." I open the door falling onto the ground. I guess walking is going to be much harder that previously thought.

30 minutes later we arrive at the house.

I get a glimpse of myself in the door window. I look a wreck. The night air has dried most of the blood on the side of my face.

"Come on." Rodney helps me into the house.

I sit on the couch while Rodney rifles around the kitchen trying to find a first aid kit.

He run back like there is a fire to clean the blood from my face and hair. I would do it but my hand is a blur, it's like I'm moving in slow motion and it's in fast motion or whatever.

"Stay there." He stops at the entrance picking out a new set of keys.

"Natalia decorated this place herself." I pick up one of the couch pillow fluffing it.

"OLIVIA did you hear me?" He takes my face between his hands helping me focus.

"Stay here." I repeat after him.

"Yes, I'm going to borrow your car. I'll stay for a minute or two." He walks out the door, giving me one last look. He turns around grabbing something off the coat rack. "Put this on."

It hurts some much as she pulls a small hat over my head.

"Remember sty here until I get back." He turns and leaves.

I take a deep breath standing on my own. It's going to take me an hour to get up there. Why I'm I going up there anyway…right my stuff…where am I? There can't be any drugs here. Uhgn, why am I confused? One step…step two…back to step one. I almost fall but I catch my self. Why didn't take the elevator.

The door opens and closes, probably Rodney telling me to hurry up. "You know this could go faster if you helped." I yell over my shoulder still trying to maneuver the stairs.

"Olivia?"

Natalia? Oh no, she's not supposed to be here. I want to run but my feet are stuck to the carpet at the bottom of the stairs.

"Olivia?" She walks out of the kitchen into the living room; her eyes instantly fill with tears.

I can't look at her like this. I gotta get back to the car. The car is wrecked.

"Baby, where have you been?" She walks up to me hugging me as if we had been apart for more than a few days. It only been three days at the most.

"Nowhere. I've just been with my friends." I choke on my words. I wasn't lying, so why do I feel so guilty.

She pulls back looking into my eyes. I can tell the moment she realized I'm high. I feel my heart sink.

Her eyes fill with tears and disbelief. She runs the back of her down my cheek, staring at me.

It feels so good. Everything I've been worrying about seems to disappear from my heart as if she were soothing the open wound on my soul, sealing each one with a single touch. I lean into her hand trying to keep my balance at the same time.

Natalia

I look into her eyes and I know. As much as I want to deny it, I can't. It's staring back at me. She leans into my touch, swaying with effort.

"Olivia are you…"

Her eyes pop open, search for something to settle on. "I…I wasn't drinking and…I'm not…"

I press my finger over her lips, stopping her from committing an even worst mistake. "Olivia do you remember what I asked you after our wedding?"

She nods her head, closing her eyes. Her head hangs lifeless as the tears began to leak.

"I asked you not to lie to me. If you did something just tell me." I run my hand down her cheek hooking my finger under her chin lifting it back up. "We can fix it; just don't lie to me… Are you high?"

She nods her head. "I messed up." She chokes on the words.

"It's okay, we can fix it. Me and you, okay?"

She nods again, biting her bottom lip.

I try to stroke the side of her face reassuring her with a touch, but she tilts her head away. "Baby?"

"I really messed up Natalia." She takes a step back turning her back to me.

"Whatever it is we can fix it." I try to comfort her. It can't be that bad. "Tell me."

"I can't…I can't. It'll hurt too much."
"Olivia." I wrap my arms around her. She sobs a little harder. "Olivia, when I married you I swore to share your joy and pain. I swore my love would remain through tough times. You just have to trust me." I circle around her, looking into her eyes. "And I would swear it all again and again." It feels like a weight is lifted when she encircles me in her arms. I lock my hands behind her neck resting our foreheads against each other. It always feels like nothing can touch us. It's like this bubble of protection where the outside world could never penetrate.

"I...um …I'm so sorry Natalia. I didn't mean for it to happen. I don't even know how it happened." She holds me tighter. "I wasn't drinking I swear. I just had one and Lily was there touching me and I was thinking about you but she-" Her cries cut off the rest of her story but I don't need to hear it.

It feels like the ground opened up between us. She right here and yet she feels miles away. My arms feel like lead as I helplessly watch them fall off her shoulders. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Olivia wouldn't do that to me.

Lily promised. Olivia promised.

My mind goes into autopilot. It hasn't done it in a while but I feel the wall of protection rise trying to shelter the already broken heart. "It's okay. We'll get through this." I say, still not believing what I just heard. I pull her away from my shoulder. Her eyes are beyond red.

"You need some rest." I pull out of her grasp leading her upstairs. Each step of the way she apologizes, choking on her own tears. The stairs seem to go on forever, each step draining me of any energy I had.

When we get to our room I have to wretch my hand out of hers walking towards the vanity looking at myself in the mirror. In the mirror I see Olivia still standing at the door, more like it was keeping her up right.

"Olivia lay down." I tell her as I sit down in the chair.

She shakes her head, no.

"You need to rest, before you pass out." I talk to her through the mirror. I can't look at her, because I still can't believe it. Maybe it's me. Something about me or the people I choose to love. Whatever it is I can't go through it again.

"You're not going to be here when I wake up." She says as she stumbles to the bed, crawling onto it. She sits on the bed her back against the headboard.

I won't argue with her, because she's right. If I weren't so worried about her now I might have already left.

"Natalia?"

I take a good look at myself in the mirror. I look really good for the way I feel on the inside. It never felt this way with Nicky. I just accepted it then, now it hurts too much to even think about. Just the thought of Olivia touching someone else, it hurts psychically. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it.

"Natalia? You're going to be here when I wake up?" Olivia touches her head pulling at Rafe hat fit snug on her head.

I look over at her. She slides down onto the bed curling up with her hands tucked between her legs. The struggle to keep her eyes open for one more second is a losing battle as her eyelid flutter open and shut.

I genuinely smile at her, before walking to the bed and climbing behind her. I squeeze her around the mid-section burying my face in the back of her shoulder. She still smells good even with the stale smell of alcohol. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." She slurs the words until they're almost unrecognizable.

"I love you more." She doesn't answer. I assume she's already out of it. I press my ear against her back listening to her heart beat wildly.

The sound of its beat would usually lure me into sleep, but not tonight. I have to figure out what I'm going to do. If it wasn't bad enough, she's high and drunk but Olivia cheated. So many questions float through the air never stopping long enough for me to think of an answer.

What if she uses again?

What about Rafe and Emma? How will I explain this to them?

What happens next?

Can I trust her?

Will she cheat again?

Can I live through a cheating spouse?

What happens next?

Can I help without making it worse?

Am I strong enough to leave her?

What happens next? What happens next? What happens next?

"I love you Olivia." I say letting the words float through the air, wishing they were the answer to all the questions. I feel the nerve over my left eye flutter, soon all the muscles in my face began to rebellion against my every wish to stay strong, if not for me then for everyone affected. I can feel them twitching, burning and begging me to cry. But I can't, not here and not like this. Not until...until I know for sure, or until I see evidence. To be completely honest with myself I wouldn't want to see it or to hear about. I want to forget, I want to go back in time and have her never tell me.

It's a losing battle, I know that. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that if I start crying now who knows when I'll be able to stop. So no, I can't cry not until I figure something, anything out.

It feels like forever before I'm finally able to drift off.

When I wake up my body feels like lead. I look over Olivia's shoulder at the clock. I've only been sleep for 20 minutes. As tired as I feel I can't roll over and go back to sleep. The question of the future hangs low pressing against my chest till I can't breathe.

I roll over on my back looking at the mirror above. This must be punishment. Maybe God hates me. Maybe my mother was right.

Whatever it is, God, can you just tell me so I can fix it?

Would it matter if he said anything, because you're still going to be with Olivia? The little voice in my head says.

I'm not going to argue with it. First that would be crazy and second the voice is right. A divine power could have told me this would happen at the altar and I still would have said I do.

I look at us laying on the bed together our bodies right next to each other our minds couldn't be father apart.

"Olivia?"

She rolls over snuggling up against me. She smiles briefly slipping back into whatever dream I interrupted.

Resentment rises in my chest. How can she sleep and smile when I am lying her hurting. She should know that, feel it somehow.I don't want to lash out at her. I should, I mean I should be angry at her. I shouldn't be the one crying, I should be the one sleeping. She should be up all night worrying about our future, apologizing.

I slip out of the bed packing a small bag. I have to leave before I say something I can't take back, before she wakes up and apologizes again.

With my bag in hand I stop at the door way looking back over my shoulder. Olivia's still sleeping peaceful.

I lean against the door frame, like so many mornings watching. I guess everyone looks innocent when they're sleeping, but she looks like an angel. I can't leave her here by herself. Something might happen.

I walk back into room getting her phone out of her pocket. I can't call Lindsey, she's out of town with Jaime. I can't call Doris or Blake their gone too. Plus she'll flip if she found out Olivia relapsed, probably kill Rodney. Probably wouldn't be the worse thing.

I call the first number that pops up on the screen leaving a message to check on Olivia.

I quickly walk out the door before I can change my mind or have a nervous breakdown.

Marie Rivera

Bong…bong…bong. I watch my newly house broken tom cat play with the door stopper. He was my only companion when the children were not here. But he does the job and my life had never been better. My daughter was happy, I was happy. Finally no more having to worry about cooking dinner for Ricardo; no more have to clean behind him, and finally no more arguing or being silently berated. No more, no more. Finally, no more. And what more can I ask for.

Even though I protested, Olivia still bought this place for which is still too big for me. There are three bedrooms, a full kitchen and bathroom, and a living room that is the size of my old house. I never knew how lazy I could be with absolutely nothing to do and nothing to look forward to doing.

But I would gladly go back if it meant my daughter was able to go home to the happy family she created. Instead she's in the guest bedroom crying her eyes out. And what is a mother supposed to do. Call her father. That would only make matters worse. Do I try to talk to Olivia? I could but how could I ever trust what she had to say and how heart breaking would it be if she has started to move on leaving my only child a sob messing. What about their children? Natalia's children. Rafe looks up to her so much, even did his presentation on her of who he wanted to belike when he grew up.

I just don't know what to do; I'm so used to doing nothing. I let Nicholas treat her like she was a slave. I let her own father turn her away when she needed us most.

And finally I get to make a decision about what to do with my daughter and the only thing I can do is cook food she won't eat and sit on her bed side begging her to do anything but fall into this catatonic state of sleep and crying.

As much as it hurt, maybe Ricardo was right. Olivia will never be the person Natalia needs her to be, she can't. Maybe her drug problem is too much for her to conquer or maybe they mean more to her than my girl.

I wish it didn't have these thoughts but I do because she promised me she would do everything in her power to make Natalia happy and she has broken that promise in less time that it took to make it.

Natalia

I feel numb. It's so cold in this place. But I can't go home now, not now, even though I want to so bad. I want to go home and be in the warmth of Olivia's arms and listen to tell me everything is going to be alright. Maybe if I heard it from her and saw the sincerity in her eyes I could feel again. I could forgive her and piece the perfect picture back together. I need something anything to warm my soul. I feel lost and mildly confused. Why am I confused, I don't know. There is nothing to be confused about. Facts; Olivia cheated, got drunk, and relapsed. So what is there to be confused about except where to go from here?

A part of me still can't accept these facts. Olivia wouldn't cheat on me. There has to be another explanation, something that I'm missing. I want to believe that she was protecting me from her. She told me these things so that I could leave her. Someone made her say those things, she wanted me to leave.

The pain fills my heart till I feel like it might burst out of my chest. At least it is something different; anything besides the numb feel that leave me lying in this cold bed. For the umpteenth time this morning the tears streak down my face. By now my skin is so raw it hurts for them to flow down the tracks of their predecessors. I don't bother to wipe them away. They are the only signs I have that I'm still alive. The only thing that is keeping me sane, knowing that I can cry and maybe one day when I've cried myself all out I will be able to wake up and be warm.

Warmth is what I felt when Olivia touched me, held me, or just a look of love. That's when I get too hot that my skin is on fire. Those are the days I thought would have never ended and the days I long for now. The simple things kept my spirits high. Those were the things I woke up every morning and like a simply animal I when over and beyond the call of duty just for those things.

I would do anything to have that today. I would do anything to forget for one moment while I lay beside my wife as she whispered her dark secrets to me.

"Talia." I hear mother's voice sing through the door. "Talia, it's been two days…Emma's on the phone she would really like to talk to her mother."

And what would I say. I would only break down at the sound of her small voice telling me about her day with my cousin and the enviable question of 'what is mom doing?' That would only worry her and Rafe.

There is no need to ruin their good time. What kind of mother would I be to drag them into this mess that we have created? I worked hard to keep Rafe from seeing it then and I will do the same for him and Emma now.

"Tell them I will call her later." My voice is thick with unbridled emotions. And why should I have to keep them in. Letting them out is the only way to actually get over the pain. The tears start once more burning their way onto the pillow, which is soaked under my face. This pillow that I wish had been Olivia's shoulder; this pillow which had heard my cries, wiped away my tears, and will never tell another soul.

Mom comes and sits on the side of the bed interrupting my thought of the noble pillow.

"Honey you've been in this room since you got here. You have to eat something or you'll waste away."

I roll towards her wishing I were still a little girl. I wish I could go back to when all my problems could be settled with an ice cream cone or a band aid. I look up into her empathic eyes. For the first time I see how the world has made her; the bags under her eyes that are slowly fading, the frown lines set deep in the sides of the mouth, the wrinkles in her forehead, from worrying too much about everything and nothing at the same time.

I worry for a moment that life might defeat me, like it almost did my mother. Will I turn out like her?

It must have been hard for her to leave the only love she has known since childhood, for an empty three bedroom condo. But was it love or duty that kept her with him. Was it my fault she never got a chance to see what love was really about? Was it my fault that she stayed in her loveless marriage? Was it really love? Did she love my father like I love Olivia, with her heart, mind, body, and soul? If she didn't than how could she possible know how I feel. How could she help me if she had never been through something so heart breaking? Did she know what it was like to hurt so bad you can't breathe? Did she know what it was like to feel numb and uncaring of the world around you? How could she know how I feel?

I bury my face wishing she could feel the pain I was in without words. I wish the bond between mother and daughter was strong enough for her to take the pain way, just for a little.

"I know honey. I know." She strokes my hair like when I was a child. "But you have to stay healthy. I am positive you and Olivia will work this out."

Will we, can we? How does she know we'll make it through? For all we know Olivia is somewhere right know with Lily. The image pops into my head and the tears flow harder. Could it be true that they were laughing behind my back the entire time?

Then the perfect picture floats around my tired brain. No, Olivia wouldn't paint that picture just to tear it up in front of me. She wouldn't, would she?

I think I'm going crazy. I can hear Olivia calling my name. There it is again. I jump up throwing a large t-shirt over my naked body. It's one of Olivia's shirts. I hadn't even realized I had taken in my rush to pack. I look down at it smiling. It's the one with the cast of Hee Haw on it. And it's a 2x, so I look like I'm drowning it.

The door burst open at another call of my name.

I back myself to the wall between the night stand and the large pillow chair. I can't see her right now. I am not in my forgiving mode. I am blazing hot with anger, at her and me.

I gape at the sight of her. She looks about as bad as I did before my shower. Like I wasn't in control of my own body my hand reaches for her, I jerk it back afraid she might come to me.

She stands at the door. Her eyes are staring right at me or through me. She stares not blinking, but the tears well up in her eyes forcing her to blink.

I fight the instinct to go to her as long as I can.

She still hasn't spoken a word but I can see the words playing on the end of her dry lips. "I'm sorry."

I don't want to hear it, nor do I want to see it. "You can't be here." I try to take another step back but the wall is holding me in place.

"Baby, please." She reaches out to me and now it's her turn to pull the disobedient limb back.

"No Olivia. I want you to leave, now." The words don't even sound sincere to me. They were true and a lie at the same time.

Her tears fall fast as she stands in the door way. Her body is trembling and I can see she wants to protest but the anguished sobs stop all intelligent forms of communication. I'm afraid at any moment her knees will give out.

Olivia takes a step only to fall to her knees at the foot of the bed.

She starts to get closer but that's impossible because she hasn't moved. I realize it was me who was moving. It was me who went to her and knelt taking her trembling body against mine. It was me who closed the door and crawled onto bed beside her. It was me who me who keep the distance between us and it was me who laced our fingers between us.

But it was Olivia who moved across that space, taking me in her arms promising everything would be okay. And for a second believed her. I closed my eyes almost falling to sleep with her broken voice still whispering. Then I open my eyes realizing that everything wasn't okay. They might never be.

I get up with much protest from Olivia.

Her tears start once again and I turn my back. I can't pretend everything is okay or that anything will be the same.

I turn back to the bed. She's moved to the foot of it holding her head in her hands.

I can see the silver tears glimmer in the sunlight coming through the open window. They drop two at a time to her feet.

I want to yell at her. I want to lash out at something, anything. But I can't bring myself to say anything to her. I can't even tell her to stop apologizing. I can't speak. If I do I might say love you or it doesn't matter, if you cheat because I will always come back. And it may be the truth but I can't let her know that. I won't even admit it to myself. I am determined not to let that be the case. I don't want to be in this if she doesn't. I don't want another spouse who always finds someone else's bed. Instead I swallow the words, I bury them deep somewhere inside myself.

"What did I do?"

Olivia's head snaps up like I actually hit her instead of asked a question. Her mouth hangs open in disgust. "You?"

"Yes. What did I do?" I say with more force. "It must be me. First Nicholas and now you. So tell me Olivia what did I do?" She still stares at me, so I continue. I need to know what it is about me that people run elsewhere. "I thought you were happy. I thought I satisfied you. What was it? Am I not enough for you? Is that it?" My voice rises in anger, mostly at myself. "What is it about me that made you turn to her? Did I-"

She cuts me off standing up from the bed. "It wasn't you. God Natalia, you are perfect in every way." She runs her shaking hands through her hair. "It was me. I thought I was over it and I wasn't. And I don't know how it happened, it just did." She steps towards me than decides against it. "It was me. I don't know. Maybe they were right. I'm not cut out for this type of relationship. I tried to tell you. I tried. I told you I would hurt you and I did." She turns a full circle as if she forgot where the door was. "I did." She says her voice weak with regret and self loathing. She sits back onto the end of the bed.

"I still can't believe it." I say to no one. "There is a part of me that still won't accept it. You wouldn't do that, you couldn't have." And I realize I'm just baiting her to tell me she didn't do it. I trying to give her a way out and she won't take it. Maybe that is why a part of me won't give in to the despair. The part of me that bonded itself to Olivia, that part that could never fully let Olivia go. I want to crush it and at the same time I want it to consume me.

I sit on the edge of the bed opposite to Olivia. "I still can't believe it."

"Natalia I know you don't want anything to do with me anymore," I hear her try to suppress a sob. "If you could find it in your heart to let me see the kids."

I watch her back rack with hick ups.

"Olivia I would never keep our children away from you. We're a family." I want to take the words back as soon as they come out. She turns looking at me like I just forgave her. I see the hope fade out of her eyes when she sees she's mistaken.

She lays down stretching her arms out towards me. "Please forgive me. I swear I'll go to rehab and I will never-"

I can't here the rest of her words because they are muffled into the mattress.

What is there to say; nothing, that's what. I can't make this right and neither can she. It's all that woman's fault. If she would have never come to town, this would have never happened; then again maybe Olivia would have found someone else. NO…Olivia wouldn't do that to me. She couldn't.

"Olivia?"

She sits up her eyes redder than before. "I'm sorry Natalia. I didn't mean for any of this to happen but I understand if you don't want to be near me right now."

Only God knows how much I want to negate her. I want to scream for her to stay with me and then maybe we could work it out, but right now wouldn't be the best time. She looks high and the sudden energy is boiling in my stomach; aching to be used.

Only two things could happen if she stayed, we'll have meaningless sex which would only turn into resentment afterwards or we'll fight and things will never be the same between us again. The hurtful words that would leave our lips would only sever our already strained bond.

I want to know how it came to this. How Olivia could throw away everything we have worked for. I want to know why she would do this to herself, me, us. Is her addiction really that strong that we can't fix this or is her love for me that weak.

"Stop looking at me like that." Olivia's harsh voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Like what?" I hadn't even noticed I was looking at her. My eyes aren't focused. They feel swollen and unsteady.

"Like that." Her voice turns hard. She pinched the tip of her nose before pushing the palms of her hand into her eyes.

"Olivia, stop that." I grab her wrist.

Before I even know what has happen she yanks her hands loose standing back in a fighting stance.

I don't recognize this woman standing in front of me. She's not my wife, she can't be.

"You know what forget it Natalia." She physically relaxes. "I'm just going to go."

"Olivia, wait." I hold my hands at bay thinking twice about touching her.

"Leave me alone Natalia." She yanks the door open, swing it hard enough for knob to crack the wall behind it.

I follow her out of the room and into the living room.

"Rodney lets go."

Rodney looks too happy to run to the door.

"Olivia please just wait."

She stops turning around shaking her head. "I'll call you tomorrow."

She leaves or I let her go I'm not sure but I can't just sit here. Rafe will be home in a couple of weeks. In two weeks we are suppose to visit him at camp. What will I tell him if Olivia is not there?

I run back to my hole dressing in wrinkled clothes. What was I thinking? The old Natalia laid down and took what ever life threw at her not me.

"Natalia where are you going." I meet my mother and the door of the room.

"I need to fix this. She did it once she can do it again. I just need to help her."

She looks at me like I've lost my mind and maybe I have but I need to try. In the end I'll be able to say I did everything I could.

I rush out of the door and jump in my car driving like a mad woman.

I immediately dial the one person who can explain this whole thing to me.

"Natalia, it's so good to hear from you."

"Don't do that! I trusted you." I yell into the phone swerving on the road.

"What are you saying?"

"Oh don't play dumb with me. Olivia told me everything."I hear her voice hitch on the other side. "I can't believe you would sleep with Olivia after you promised me."

"Wait, wait. I never slept with Olivia. Is that what she said?" Lily laughs into the phone.

I step on the brake so hard my calf muscle locks up on me. I put the car into park at the red light massaging the muscle. "Olivia said-"

"Olivia says a lot of things. But we never slept together."

"Why would she lie to me?" I hear the people honking behind me as I sit at the green light waiting for an explanation.

"This is why I got out of there before you came back." She huffs into the phone. "I went to talk to her about our conversation after you left. When I got there she was high and drunk. I just got so angry that she would do that to you. She just kept drinking and doing those damn drugs that I thought I should stay and make sure she didn't overdose. Anyway late that night she came to my room and kissed me. I know it was the drugs talking but she said she missed you and just wanted to be close to someone for one night. I told her no but if she had to put the poison down she could stay. She agreed and as soon as her head hit the pillow she was out. She must have thought something happened. But I swear to you I didn't do anything wrong."

I listen to her story and replay it in my head. With every replay I feel better, lighter. I knew there had to be an explanation to this whole mess. Olivia relapsed which made her imagine these things happen when that didn't.

"Are you sure?" Why am I even asking, why tempt fate. That was all I needed to hear, Olivia didn't cheat on me. She just needs help getting clean again.

"Yes. Natalia she was high you can't believe much of what she says."

Drugs make you create a false reality, so it could be possible Olivia just made this whole thing up in her head, or maybe she felt so bad about her actions. Any way it goes I need to get her home with me.

"Thank you Lily." I breathe a sigh of relief. "And I am so sorry for calling you and yelling without listening first."

"Forgotten already, I know how much one can worry about infidelity. Call me later." She hangs up before I can respond.

I jerk the car into drive heading start for the hotel. I'm barely able to put the car in park when jump out.

"Ms. Rivera." Greg waves at my while I hold the button for the elevator. "Can I help you with something?"

"You can leave me alone." Why am I being mean to him? "I'm sorry I didn't mean that."

"Don't worry I've heard worse while you were gone."

I step into the elevator bouncing some much I can hardly punch in the code for the penthouse. I can't wait to tell Olivia nothing happened.

I squeeze through the door before they can fully open. Olivia and Rodney are sitting the living room.

"Natalia?" Olivia gets up but doesn't come to me.

Rodney looms over Olivia. "Maybe you should-"

"No let me explain." I move across the floor trying to shut Rodney out of this conversation. "I know what happened. And you know what it doesn't even matter."

"How can you say that?" Olivia steps back in horror.

"I know what I said and did but I've had a few minutes think and I want you to come home."

"Whoa-" Rodney's voice echoes through the room.

"Not talking to you." I say to Rodney without looking at him. "I need you to be with me and I want to help you. You do want to quit right?"

"Of course." Olivia says with no hesitation.

"I'll explain all of it when we get home but right now I just want you to come home." I take her hands holding them between us. "I love you and I don't want to let this go without a fight. I love you."

Olivia's eyes search mine; I hope she finds what she is looking for.

"Okay."

Okay has never meant so much to me. "Okay!"

"I have to get some things out of the bathroom." Olivia pulls away from me walking into the bedroom.

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. We can definitely make it through this.

"Okay, wait." Rodney moves closer to me but I back up. All I want is my wife.

"What?'

"I'm all for her going home, that's why I took her there. But I've been thinking. She's about to go cold turkey. I don't know what you know about this but this is not the time… she's not stable."

"She's fine."

"Yes now, but…can you just listen to me. I think you should let her stay her and start detox then she can go home in a day or two. I don't think you are prepared for this. You called me remember so let me help."

"I think you have done enough." I glare at him watching him deflate. He knows I'm not backing down anytime soon.

"I don't think this is a good ideal, but who am I?" He flops back onto the couch. "Just call me."

I see a man sitting on the couch full of remorse, a man who doesn't know what to do and a man who has exhausted himself.

Olivia comes out of the bedroom with a small tote. "I'm ready, I think."

"Don't worry baby, I'm going to make sure we make it." I kiss her cheek before pulling her behind me.

Rodney looks over the back of the couch as the doors close. She doesn't need him, all she needs is my love and I plan on smothering her with it.

OLIVIA

Coming home had to be one of the hardest and easiest decisions I have made in the last couple of days. I want to be with Natalia so bad but I can't keep my head straight long enough to enjoy it. I can't sleep in my own bed without becoming a sobbing mess. I can't think without it going back to that night. As hard as I try I can't time travel. So all I can do is think about all the mistakes I've made.

I shouldn't have been drinking for one. I should have fought harder, I could have. I don't even remember how I got here. The days after that night are a blur, I don't even remember where we went for those fours days. Bits and pieces here and there pop up but I can't remember much.

I can see my mood swings are putting Natalia on edge, just the way she looks at me sometimes makes me what to leave or jump off the roof.

Last night I actually thought about telling her what happened, but then she seemed relaxed. Like all of this wasn't happening. I watched from the kitchen entrance as she hummed along with the radio sweeping from pot to pot.

That's what I want. I want to feel like that and the only things that can and has done that consistently are the drugs and alcohol. I know if she found out I had a stash in the house she would be livid. I know I have to get rid of it before the kids return home. I can't put them in danger.

I guess that speech I was going to give them about not doing drugs is out the window.

So far it doesn't seem like she notices, which is good. I just need a few days to think this through.

It just seems like the more I think the more things get confusing. If I could hold a thought for more that three seconds I could figure some of it out.

I know it feels good having her on my side. It feels good to know that she believes in me and in us to stick around. But I feel like her resolve is getting weaker by the day. I don't want to lose her.

I listen for her movements outside of the bathroom door. I wonder if she is on the other side doing the same thing. Nah, she's probably on the phone with Emma. I should talk to Emma or call Rafe I haven't spoken to him in so long. I can't even remember the last time we spoke.

I bend down to take in another line. Maybe two or three. I don't' really know how many I did but it's doing its job. I feel…leveled.

I shake my head looking at my pale complexion in the mirror. I need a tan.

I spend the rest of my time putting mixing the cocaine with water in the nasal spray bottle. This thing fooled Doris for a long time. After all everyone has nasal congestion sometime of another.

I shake the bottle up mixing it more. I hope I remembered the right amount of water versus drug; I don't want to have an overdose in my own house. It would take forever for the EMTs to get here, fuck I might be dead by then…maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

NATALIA

Olivia finally makes it down stairs to the kitchen. She looks unsteady on her feet. I shake my head trying to think positive. We'll get through this together.

"Here baby." I hand her a glass of juice.

"Mhm thanks." She paces the kitchen with the juice in the hand wasting it at every turn. "What should we do today?" She stops snapping her finger grinding her teeth before talking. "I know we'll catalog the dvds. I know I did it yesterday but think I have come up with a better way, maybe by barcode number." Her mouth moves so fast it is hard to keep up with her. "Or by production studio." She shakes her head starting to pace again. "I know what we could do. We could go for a run, get some fresh air. Nah, we should do something productive. I should wash all the cars especially Rafe's. It's kind of dirty and it has even moved out of the yard. Is it supposed to rain today because that would be stupid to wash a car-"

"20 percent maybe." I throw in just because.

"-after it rains. No we should go for that run, use some energy or we could just watch television." Olivia stops in front of the pantry closet. "Maybe we should redecorate. I'm thinking yellow to living it up in here. Maybe throw in a little white." She takes a sip of her almost empty glass. "I'll run into town and get some paint and we could start in the kitchen, but after I wash the cars then go for that run. Maybe I could combine the run and run into to- wow this is good." She gulps the rest down. "What is this?"

"Mango and peach."

"Mango and…peach, weird. Where did you get it, from the store right, of course?"She sucks on her teeth.

"Please stop that."

She continues to alternate between sucking and grinding her teeth. "What?"

"Your teeth."

"Sorry nervous habit." She does it again. "Do we have a bucket?"

"Outside." I point out the window. I think right now the best place for us to be is apart, when she gets like this she is unpredictable; from excited to depressed almost paranoid.

"I should do it later my allergies are acting up today." She pulls out a spray bottle giving it two pumps. "Fuck it I can do it now." She puts the bottle in her pocket running her tongue over her teeth again.

She hops over to me, making me jump back, but before I can act again she grabs me around the waist pulling her to her.

"I love you so much; I don't know what I would do without you." She kisses me hard refusing to let up until I push her shoulder for air.

The kiss taste like medicine, I have to still myself from gagging.

"I'll be back in a little, after I wash the cars but I'm going to run first, or go into town for paint and maybe pick out some furniture. You should stay here and make sure she doesn't come back. God I have a headache now." She runs her hand across her forehead and even I can see the sweat drenching her palm. "Paint, wash and run." She heads out the door and down the dirty drive way.

I watch her walk down to the road and back then again.

So day one and two have to be the hardest to get thorough. She's coming down off of the drugs and her system is out of whack. It should get better from here on right?

It's been a four days since Olivia came home with me.

It's been four days of me sneaking behind her, watching her every movement and still some how she has managed to use, I think.

Why is it so hard this time; last time it was week of nightmares and panic attacks but it was nothing like this. She loses her temper when ever I ask her anything.. She won't sleep and if she does it's usually in another room or on the couch. I can't get close to her without being stared down.

I'm trying to be patient, let Olivia come to me; it's so hard not to pry or push. Nothing is making sense about this situation. I just don't know what to do.

She hardly lets me hold her after a bad dream or even talk to me.

Every hour she is in a different mood; either depressed, skittish, or argumentative.

Today was no different, she was depressed most of it. I even heard her crying in the bathroom where she is now.

I busy myself putting on lotion thinking about what I could say to get her to open up to me.

After a few minutes the door opens. Olivia's eyes stay on me as she slowly rounds the bed. Slowly she gets in bed turning her back to me.

"Baby?" I want to see if she will respond, but she doesn't. "I know you are hurting, if you just let me help you. Tell me what's wrong."

I slide down onto the mattress keeping a safe distance between us. I see her tense at my movement. I want to touch her even if it is just her shoulder or her hair. I want to feel that she is still here even if she is just a shell of herself.

Before I can make a decision Olivia rolls over kissing me hard enough to bruise. I know I shouldn't let this continue but it has been so long. I don't want it to end.

I manage to keep my arms at bay, determined to let her lead this dance.

Olivia pulls at my shirt rolling us so that I am on top. I slip seamlessly between her legs. It feels so rights and so wrong at the same time.

Something is holding me back; it's playing around the edge of my aroused brain, knocking at the door.

All I want to know is my wife is touching me, not huddled at the edge of the bed.

I break our frenzied kiss for air. "Wait. Maybe we should slow down."

In an expert move Olivia take my hand sliding it inside of her shirt.

My whole body shivers at the contact of her breast filling my hand. With just a few swipes of my thumb, the soft skin turns into a hard peak. With my free hand I unbutton Olivia's shirt giving myself more room to work.

"Are you sure babe?"' I ask before we get too far gone.

She arches into my hand wrapping her legs around my waist. The rational part of my brain has shut down; the thought of stopping has flown right out the window. All I can think about is making everything better by making Olivia feel loved.

I duck down lavishing her rigid nipple in my mouth, lavishing it with attention with my tongue. I go through the motion of attending to both peaks, manipulating them both with either my mouth or hand.

It suddenly pushes through that Olivia has stopped responding. I kiss up her chest and up into the crook of her neck. "Olivia?" I look down at her. She is almost in a catatonic state. Her eyes staring at the ceiling her lips pressed into a thin line. "Olivia?"

Her eyes snap to me, but her expression doesn't change. She simply takes my hand running it down the soft plane of her stomach and beneath her pajama bottoms. Her free hand slips under my shirt making little patterns on my side.

Our fingers comb through the rough patch of hair and between her slit, teasing her with just a little pressure.

Cautiously I watch for a reaction, there is none. This isn't my wife who I can make scream, beg, and pray for me to touch her or make her cum. This Olivia has said nothing, hasn't even made a sound.

The lack of arousal between her legs is all I need to stop this charade. I pull my hand out of hers, rolling onto my side of the bed.

"What's wrong?" Olivia finally says something, sitting up and closing her shirt. With one fist she holds her shirt closed.

"You don't want to do this." I sit up, eye level with her.

"You want to." She leans in to kiss me.

I can't force her to force herself to want to have sex. What would that make me?

"Baby, no." I can see the panic in her eyes. "You remember what I told you about us?" She shakes her head.

"I love us, I love you. And I would still love you if we never had sex again, but one thing I promise I will never do is force you to do something you don't want to. That's something you never have to worry about. Sex is nothing without love. We make love not sex. We make love, we don't use each other for release. You mean more to me than that. So until you feel that you can express that love, with no fear of rejection or forcing it I just want to hold you, that's what I really what."

"Okay." Her eyes soften a bit.

We both lay back. Hesitantly I scoot behind her wrapping my arm around her hip.

She is as stiff as a board.

"Tell me what I can do?' I know we are both on the verge of breaking down. I feel so tired and frustrated. I don't know what to do for her and she won't tell me. How can I help when she won't talk to me? We use to talk all the time.

Sometimes I feel like lashing out at anything, and it scares me to know it could be her.

"Can you just hold me?"

I hold her tighter pressing against her back. "This okay?"

She nods pulling my hand to her chest.

We lay that way barely breathing, afraid to ruin the moment.

I must have fallen asleep; the next thing I notice is Olivia struggling underneath me. Sometime during the night we fell back into our normal position with my head on Olivia's shoulder.

I shake the cob webs out of my brain, rolling away from her. "Olivia you're having a dream. Listen to me, wake up baby."

Both her eyes pop open simultaneously. For a second her eyes jump around on the ceiling, before they settle down looking at me.

"Are you okay?' I try to touch her hand letting her know she is safe, but she yanks her hand away, jumping out of the bed. She snatches the nasal spray bottle off of the night stand taking three pumps.

"My allergies." I watch her bustle around the room picking out clothing.

"What are you doing?'

"None of your business, Natalia." She says my name with so much animosity I shrink away from her staying quiet as she looks through all of her pants pocket, throwing them on the floor after finding nothing.

She goes in the bathroom, I hear her rummaging around.

In the corner of the room I spot a pair of pants she threw, there is a piece of plastic sticking out of the pocket.

I tiptoe over to the corner in the side pocket I find what she has been looking for, a small sized bag containing pills of some sorts.

The frustration of the situation vanishes replaced by pure fury.

How could she put everyone in danger like this? What if Emma had come home and found it. What if Rafe were here?

She flies out of the bathroom with a panicked determination in her eyes.

"Is this what you are looking for?" I hold up the drugs, ready to sling them across the room at her.

"What are going through my stuff now?"

"Is this what you are looking for?" I ask again raising my voice.

Her eyes fill with tears as her fist ball at her side.

"You have the nerve to bring this crap into our home. What if Emma had found it?"

She shakes her head. "You don't understand. I need that so I can sleep; to get through the day without having a nervous break down."

"No Olivia this is the problem, the reason you are having mood swing the reason you can't talk to me. And the reason you can't deal with these dreams." I try to calm my voice but the rage is flowing freely through my veins.

"Deal?" She chuckle sarcastically. "Just deal with it uh?"

"Olivia." I take a few deep breathes to calm myself down. We are both on the edge of saying things that we can never take back. "I know you are having a rough time. I told you that I would stick by you and I meant every word, but you can't keep doing this. I love you, so either let me help or-"

"Or what Natalia?" Olivia backs herself up against the wall. "Or WHAT?"

Even from across the room I can see the tears leaking form her eyes. I can see the sheer panic and sadness.

I make my way to her. I stand in front of my broken wife. Her whole body shakes while she tries to concentrate on anything but me. "I've told you before that you are the strongest person I know, even the strong need help, together; I know we can beat this." I hold up the drugs. "You don't need these things."

"I do."

"You don't."

"You don't understand." She sobs clutching her chest.

"Then tell my, why?"

"I didn't mean for it to happen, one second she just…there, we were on the bed. And she was kissing me and saying all these things."

"Olivia." I said through clenched teeth, loud enough to get her attention. I don't want to hear about that. "Lily said nothing happened."

A look of horror comes over Olivia's face. "Nothing happened?" She spits the word back at me.

"I've been trying to tell you I talked to her; I had to know the truth."

"You talked to her!" Olivia pushes me away none too gently.

I catch myself watching her renew her search for clothing.

"Yes I talk to her because I thought you were upset because you cheated on me." I follow her around the room. "She said nothing happened. She stopped it before anything could happen."

Olivia claps her hands laughing at me. "She stopped it. Is that what you believe?" She holds a leather jacket in her hand even though it's reaching 80 degrees outside. "You believe her."

I stay quite, because I've figured out her mood swings. It's just like with Nicky. Sometimes there just isn't a right answer. Yes and no might be the same thing to her.

"I asked you a question! DO. You. Believe. Her." She throws the jacket on the floor stalking closer to me.

"What am I supposed to believe?"

"ME. I'm your fucking wife. You are supposed to believe me!"

"Believe what! That you cheated on me?'

"I never said that. You are supposed to be on my side." Olivia scoffs at me. "You think I'm so hard up for that woman that as soon as you leave town I try to jump in bed with her?"

"I don't think that." I say stepping away from her. Her voice has steadily been increasing. I hate it but right now I am scared of Olivia. I don't know what she will do in the heat of the moment. I don't know what I would do if she struck me. I hate to think that she would but she is unpredictable. The drugs have altered her state of mind, whether she is high or not.

"Are you even listening to me?"

I stare out the window at the starry night. I want to escape so badly. I want to go outside for some fresh air.

"You've never thought I could be faithful. What am I supposed to do kill myself because some one said no."

"Isn't that what you are doing?' The words slip out, but the expression on her face doesn't change.

"You should believe me." She whispers into the silent room.

"I want to believe you, every word you say I want to believe but how can I when you haven't said anything."

"You're not listening!" She screams at me pacing like a caged animal. In an instant she seems to clam down. "You are not listening to me."

"I'm listening now."

"What happened doesn't matter." She sits on the bed slipping into her sneakers.

"It does because it is hurting you."

"Bottom line is I asked for it right?"

"What?" Trying to follow her conversations gives me headaches. I can't keep up and I end up saying the wrong thing for the wrong conversation.

She jumps off the bed making me jump back. "Just give me my things."

I look down at my hand. I had forgotten I was still holding the drugs. "No."

"No?"

"No. You can't have both. It's either these things or your family." I take another step back, clutching the bags in my hand. "I will always love you but I can't live with this Olivia. Rafe and Emma don't deserve that. Can't you see these things make you think you've done something when you haven't?"

"You think I lied to you?"

I look her in the eyes trying to fight another wave of tears. "I know you love me. You wouldn't cheat to me."

She looks me square in the eyes with a sinister look. A look that says she is about to push us both over the edge. "Who the fuck do you think you are Natalia?"

She stalks me as I back away from her finally pinning me against the wall.

"Everything I have every said to you was a lie; my parents, my brother, Rodney, Doris, and every other word I've ever uttered. You are not one in a million; if I wanted I could have another you here in my bed, two if I wanted. Why the fuck would I wait for that Bitch to cheat? I can and will cheat when ever I feel and you wouldn't know unless I wanted to. But why would I go through the trouble of covering it up?"

I feel my body tingle from the pain concentrated in my chest threatening to drop me where I stand.

"Besides where are you going Natalia? No where, that's where." She rips the bag ou of my hand. A few of the pills fall onto the floor. "FUCK" Her hand smashes the wall next o my head. But I don't move, I can't.

"Oh god I'm sorry." I watch stunned as she starts to cry again. "I didn't mean that. You know that right." Olivia paces the room all the while the drug stay planted firmly in her hand. "I can't stop thinking and I can't sleep that's why I keep saying things I don't mean. I love you, you mean more to me that anything, but I can't focus right now. I can't think, I can't sleep. I can only sleep when I'm in your arms…" She puts her jacket on shoving the drugs in the pocket. "But I don't want to hurt you I just want to sleep and be able to think. I just need to think. JUST LET ME THINK!" She screams the last part.

After a few seconds of silence she seems to have calmed down a little. With so much emotion in her eyes she walks over to me. "Tell me what you want from me."

I flinch as she pulls me into a hug.

"Baby you're the only person who knows me." She pulls back the tears spilling down her beautiful face. "You're the only one who knows everything is going to be okay."

The anger in me has left, now I feel helpless.

"You know that right?"

I nod feeling my own tears spring forward anew.

"Just don't give up I'm working it out. It just messed me up and I just need a second to breathe." She holds her finger up to me. "Just one second, please. I won't let you down I swear I will bounce back from this, like it never happened."

I try my best to be strong for her. She needs me to stay strong while she can't.

"You know I love you, right?"

I nod my head because I do know that. I know Olivia loves me.

"I think I need some space from you. I have all these thoughts that I can't stop and they make me crazy and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I know I will, I can't control this thing inside of me."

"No please you don't have to leave I can help you, like last time."

"This isn't like last time."

"Why?"

"Because." She turns around again. "I need to handle this the only way I know how."

"Wait, where are you going?" I run after her out the bedroom door.

"I'm going to get high and I don't want you around." We jog down the stairs and to the front door.

I put myself in front of the door. "Please just stay for a little while long. Please." I don't know how much longer I can do this. I guess we'll find out sooner or later.

"Okay?"

"Yes."

I almost jump up and down at her words.

She smiles and it almost reaches her eyes. "But I need a shower and food." She says swinging her hands in the jacket pocket.

"I can do that. You take a shower and I'll fix something to eat." I watch her bounce up the steps. She stops looking back at me for a second. "You're going to leave me aren't you?"

"No, I would never leave you. We are stuck together." I try to joke to lighten the mood.

She frowns at my statement.

I reanalysis it, did I say something wrong?

"I want you to be free; you don't deserve to be stuck." She says it with such seriousness I can't think of a reply. Something in her eyes has changed. She looks so calm and collected, like some kind of moment of clarity.

"Baby?"

"I'm going to take a shower." She starts up the stair again. "Food would be great."

I watch her disappear upstairs before running into the kitchen to fix something for her.

Food, I need something quick so I can catch her before she gets out of the shower. I think there is some left over chicken from yesterday. I could heat one of those vegetable trays in the freezer.

I start to pull everything I need out and heating it in the microwave.

I bounce on my toes in front of the microwave. I think I read somewhere this causes cancer, but I think everything we eat and do cause it.

The microwave finally beeps. I empty the broccoli and cauliflower onto the plate with the steaming chicken.

Do I need something else? Probably not, she might not want to eat that much. Drugs are supposed to suppress the appetite. I'll come back down if she wants anything else.

I grab a bottle of water before returning to our bedroom.

The shower is still going.

This is a good sign. She agreed to stay which means we can talk and get to the bottom of this.

I almost laugh at myself. How crazy is this? Most people would be running to get out of this situation. Instead I lock myself in with an unstable person, but that unstable person is my wife. My wife who I am willing to fight for and I am. I am going to fight for her even if she gives up, because that is what you do for people you love.

I look at the clock; it's been almost 20 minutes.

The food is starting to cool.

I knock on the bathroom door "Olivia?" No answer so I inch it open open. "Baby?" I knock again to warn her. "I'm coming it, is that okay?"

There is no answer.

After a few seconds of listening for any change in the pattern of the water sound, I try to open the door some more, but it stops. It won't budge something is behind it.

I peek into the room to see what is behind the door and my heart drops.

Olivia is on the floor still fully dressed in her leather jacket.

"Oh my God Olivia." I squeeze through the door falling to floor beside her.

Her eyes are glazed over as her head roll towards me.

"What did you do?"

I watch in horror as her eyes roll back at the same time her body lurches forward and the shaking begins.

"No, baby, wait." I try holding her down with out hurting her. "Olivia, please just wait." I don't even know what I'm say or why but I need her to hear me. I need her to stay here with me; I need for her to be okay.

The shaking stops and her whole body relax.

A seizure, just a seizure. Do I wait for her to wake up or do I call 911 now. Olivia hates hospitals, she wouldn't want to go, but I don't know how to help her. Maybe they are from withdrawal, do people have seizures from cocaine withdrawals. I don't know.

She told me she had had seizures before. While I was gone, when she…overdosed.

Oh god.

The seizure begins again she body tensing and trembling.

I jump of the floor running into the bedroom for the phone.

I run back the bathroom with the operator on the phone. I don't know if I'm making any sense of even speaking English all I know is Olivia needs help and the seizure aren't stopping.

I sit on the floor barely aware that the shower is still running. I pull Olivia away from the door and half way into my lap whispering for her to wake up.

I don't know how long I sat there until they arrived but thankfully they jumped into action.

They start hooking thinks to her chest rolling her onto a back board and applying the neck brace.

"Did she fall and hit her head?"

"I don't know."

"What has she ingested in the last 24 hours?"

"I don't know."

"How long has she been down?"

"I don't know."

"What are these?" He picks up a blue pills.

It's then I notice the pills are scattered all over the floor. "I don't know."

"Does she have a history of seizures."

"YES." I jump on the question a little too eager. I need to feel helpful.

Another episode starts while the young paramedic is listening to her chest.

They wait and watch until she relaxes. I want to scream for them to do something to stop the seizures but I know they can't until they know why she's having them.

I comb my hand through Olivia hair as her body relaxes again.

He moves the stethoscope around. "We gotta move she's in v-tach."

"What is that?"

"Pulse?" The other paramedic asks strapping Olivia down.

"What is that?" They continue to talk ignoring my question.

"Let's move."

I don't remember even chasing them down the stairs or climbing in the ambulance.

"Olivia?" I sit on the opposite sit of the paramedic by Olivia head.

Her eyes blink open, just slit of themselves.

"Olivia baby, don't do this to me please." I close my eyes laying my head close to hers. If I open my eyes I would be able to see just how pale she is, I would see the way her chest stutters instead of fully rising, I would be able to see my wife slipping away.

"Ms. Spencer? Can you hear me?"

I open my eyes waiting for her to respond.

"ETA?"

"About 10."

"We don't have that long, push it."

The ambulance races down the road lined with trees and nothing else.

Why did we have to move 20 minute away from a hospital? We should have considered it at least.

The paramedic cuts open Olivia's shirt placing stickers on her.

"What are those for?"

"How we doing back there?"

"Starting compressions." He starts cpr watching the machines.

There should be a bag somewhere to pump air in right, that's what they do in movies. "Can I help, is there a bag?"

"No ma'am, just sit back."

The machines on the wall start to beep loudly, like multiple alarms clocks ringing.

"Ter, what's up?"

"She's in v-fib."

"What's that?" I reach down for Olivia's hand. "Baby please, your scaring me."

"Clear. Ma'am back up."

I disconnect myself from Olivia, trying not to completely lose in it in the back of this ambulance.

"Charged to 250"

I can hear the machine queue up. As many times as I've seen it on television and in the movies I'm am not prepared for the shock.

While it's not nearly as dramatic as the movies I still see her body jump. I feel the pain in my own chest.

"Please Olivia."

"Ms. Rivera."

I jump at the call of my name.

Rick Bauer stands in the door way his eye red with bags under them.

"No, please." I whisper behind my hand. My knee give out but Rodney is there holding me up.

I don't even know why I called him. It just seemed like I should call someone to let them know what has happened and he was the last person on the list but the only person to answer his phone.

It's been three hours since they took Olivia through those doors. Three hours since I saw them force a tube down her throat, since they shocked her over and over again, since I passed out at the sound of a flat line heart monitor.

"Sit down." I feel myself being ushered in to the hard plastic chairs.

Rick squats in front of me front of me taking my hands in his larger ones.

"Please don't say it."

He shakes his head. "I won't because she's still with us right now. Right now we have stabilized her but she is still on the machine." His eyes are so sympathetic I feel like he is lying to me just so I won't break down here. "Natalia." He gets up sitting in the chair beside me. "We might have to keep her long for psychiatric help."

"What? No, Olivia wouldn't do that to herself. It's just withdrawal."

Rick shakes his head.

I turn to Rodney for confirmation. "Tell him, Olivia wouldn't do that."

Rodney sucks his bottom lip in his mouth.

"No I refuse to believe Olivia tried," I lower my voice "To kill her self. She said just before that she loved me and that we could make it through this."

"Natalia we found pills in her pocket and in her system along with a lethal amount of cocaine. The nasal spray had been replaced with diluted cocaine. That is what led to the seizures. She overdoses which caused the cardiac arrest. It's a good thing you found her when she did. A few more minute and she might have not made it to the hospital."

I guess I should be thankful for small victories.

I stare at Rick. There is a 'but' I her face. "But?" I ask. Not really sure I want to here the rest right now. I just want to see her and make sure she is still breathing with a machine or not.

"In the case she doesn't"

"No" I cut him off, "She will."

He holds up his hand. "Just in case, you'll have to make the decision whether you want to keep her on the machine or not. I want you to focus on her recovery but there is a chance she might not wake up."

"She will." I sit back in my chair.

"So what's next?' Rodney asks patting my shoulder.

"We wait. I think she should make a lot of progress in the next few days and maybe soon we can remove the tube, until then we will monitor her and continue to clean her system. Hopefully there will be no lasting effects to her body or brain." They both stand up hovering over me.

"Rick, can you just wait to put any restriction on Olivia. Isn't it possible it was an accidental overdose?"

"It's possible but I don't want to take any chances of letting her go then she ends up…"

"Let her talk to Olivia and we'll get our answer when she wakes up. And if we have to we'll drag her to rehab ourselves."

"I'll think about it, until then you can visit as soon as the nurse comes down to get you." Rick pats my shoulder. "She's a fighter Natalia, don't worry."

Rodney sits back down trying his best not to look at me even thought I'm staring a hole through his head.

"Why would she do that?"

"Look I don't know what she has and hasn't told you, but just know that it's because she loves you. That all she talked about while you were gone." He stops talking looking down at his shoes. "Thank you for calling me; you don't know how much it means to me. I consider Olivia family and I guess you're her family and that makes you mine. So if you need anything at all. I'm here whether you want me to be or not."

"Thank you."

The rest of the night was in relative silence between us. We sat in Olivia's room beside her bed taking turns bugging the nurses.

Rodney

It's been a long time since I seen her hooked up to machines. It's been three day and Rick says she's stronger and getting better.

I lean against the doorframe of her room feeling a little weak in the knees. It never gets easier to see.

Doris sits on the right of the Olivia's bed, holding her hand, probably praying.

I silently send one up myself not that I think anyone is listening.

I didn't even know she was here until now. She hadn't returned my call.

"What do you think you are doing here?" Doris eyes me dangerously. She only looks this way when she's about to strike and only at me.

"I came to see how she was holding up." I kick at the dingy tile. If I had known she was here I would have waited to see her. I wouldn't have met her in this room at least not by myself.

"Holding up?" Dory rises slowly from her seat leaning over the bed, her eyes burning through me. "Holding up!" She looks at something behind me.

I turn around to see that young Asian punk of hers walking towards the room down the long hall.

Fuck it. If she is going to kill me I might as well get this off my chest.

I step into the room closing the door behind me.

I step to the side of the bed staring Doris right in the face. "You know what Doris; you have been trying to blame me for all of this as long as I can remember. Hell I get it; I shouldn't have given Olivia anything after what happened but how the hell was I supposed to know what really happened. Now this." I take a deep breathe, it could be my last. But the way she's staring at me now, I'm damn glad she does have any supernatural powers.

"If you don't remember I was the one that called you in the first place. You don't know how hard I've tried to put everything back like it was okay. I begged Olivia to get help but she didn't want it and you know how she can be." I take a quick look at our friend lying pale in the bed. "It was Tracey and Keith. I didn't give her anything."

"Oh shut the fuck up Rodney. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Ever since I met you, you have brought nothing but trouble. Nothing has ever been your fault, but it is. You're just a snot nosed asshole who refuses to grow up. So shut your fucking mouth right now." She slowly walks around the bed like she in court sizing me up. "I refuse to put up with your crap."

"I was trying to help her!" Both times. That's all I ever wanted to do was help her. "And don't act so innocent. You knew she was on her way out that's why you conveniently took a vacation. You know Olivia as well as I do and you know once she on that slope nothing can stop her. You have to ride it out, only you did want to ride it out this time so you stuck me here."

She doesn't say anything because she know I'm right.

The door flies open banging against the walk. I close my eyes ready for the blow to the back of the head, maybe a punch or maybe a bullet. Either way I'm probably not going to see the sun.

The seconds tick by each one a blessing showered on me.

It feels like an hour passes. Cautiously I crack one eye open, only to see Olivia's wife standing the middle of the room.

The crying starts immediately, just like every time she has stepped foot in this room

"It's not as bad as it looks the doctors say she will be okay." Doris says with little emotion almost like she didn't want to tell her about Olivia's condition.

Natalia already knows what the Doctors said, Doris just like to try to feel in control of a situation by giving out information.

I step back as she walks to the bedrail looking down at Olivia. She trails one hand down Olivia's face.

I look at Doris just to see what she'll do. She looks at Olivia's wife back almost resenting that she's touching Olivia's without permission. "Natalia maybe you should get some rest."

Natalia turn's around with fire in her eyes.

Oh yeah she is mad as hell.

Her face turns red while her whole body starts to tremble, her ball at her side.

I wonder if she's brave enough to take a swing at Dory. I know she's Olivia's girl but I don't think Dory would think twice about laying her on her back.

I feel like a referee standing between them.

"She is my wife and I should be here with her." She waves Doris off like some waitress.

"Yea where were you when she killing herself?"

I want to jump in so bad I just don't know which side is the best. No matter what Dory is my friend and always right in the end. But to tell Olivia's wife she should leave is a little far.

She has every right to be here.

But I know how protective Doris can be with Olivia.

"Where were you when he-"

The machines start to beep wildly before she can finish her retort but I think I know what she was going to say and that would have been the last thing she would have wanted to bring up.

Doris pushes past both of us to get to the side of Olivia's bed. "Olivia, stop that."

I stand on my tippy toes peeking over her shoulder.

Olivia is fighting the tube. With the strength of a newborn she has somehow managed to get her hand around the plastic, but not able to actually pull it out.

Doris takes both of her wrist suspending them in mid air.

Natalia takes a step back looking like she might actually faint.

The team of doctors and nurses rushes in crowding the scene.

"Ms. Spencer if don't calm down we'll have to restrain and sedate you."

One nurse holds up a syringe with clear liquid while the other appears with wrist restraints.

Olivia quickly stops her losing fight watching the nurse with the restraints get closer.

Dory slowly lets go of her wrist maintaining contact with her hands.

"Good, now Ms. Spencer do you know why you are here?" The doctor talks all the while scribbling in his chart watching the numbers on the monitor.

Olivia shakes her head no.

"Okay, try not to move too much. That tube is going down you're throat to help you breathe easier. You were bought in, in cardiac arrest caused by cocaine toxicity from an overdose. Blink twice if you understand."

She blinks twice her eyes jumping from one person to the next.

"The tube will have to stay in for a little whole longer until Rick gets here to examine you."

Olivia begins to get agitated blinking rapidly for what I can only imagine are curse words.

"Ms. Spencer I need you to calm down. If you upset yourself you'll trigger more seizures."

The doctor looks down at Olivia with a disapproving glance.

The machine began to beep as the numbers jump up and down.

"Olivia baby I'm here." Olivia's girl pushes pass the nurse and Dory.

I see the change immediately. Olivia looks mad as hell. Visibly her jaw clenches biting on the plastic tubing.

"Ms. Spencer, stop biting the tubing…nurse."

The nurse readies the needle again.

"Wait!" I hold my hand out stopping her from injecting the substance. "What's up?" I lean over Olivia letting her know that I'm talking to her.

She stares at me with wide eyed; they slowly roll to where Natalia is standing.

Fuck, how is it I'm always the bearer of bad news? "Um…" I straighten my back. "Can we have a second?"

The doctor and the nurses look at each other before exiting the room.

"Um…you too." I look at her wife.

"Me?" Natalia points at herself more confused than ever.

"Yea, just for a second." I try to explain but she is having none of it.

She looks at Olivia who is staring at the ceiling.

"Olivia?" Hesitantly she takes a step forward before deciding against it. "I love you, Olivia, no matter what."

It's still sickening how overdramatic they are. I mean I know Olivia is in bad shape but damn it's not like she is dying. It was just an overdose, shit I can't count the number of time all three of us have been in that bed.

Natalia closes the door behind her, staring through the glass window.

"Okay they're gone." I sigh looking down at my best friend/ little sister. "I know you want the tube out-"

"Olivia you heard the doctor." Just like she has been doing since college Dory cuts me off talking to Olivia like she's the parent.

Olivia stares hard a Doris as she paces the foot of the bed.

Dory stops looking at Olivia with a critical eye. She shakes her head changing her position. "I'm am going to have the doctor remove the tube but afterwards we are going to have a long talk about this."

As mad as Olivia looks she nods her head, she would probably agree to anything to get the tube out. I know I hate waking up to that thing in my mouth.

"Do you want Natalia to come in?" I ask her out loud just to make sure I was reading her right.

She shakes her head no.

Staring hard at me Dory pushes the call button for the doctor.

He comes in automatically agreeing to Dory's plan even like she the one with the medical degree.

"Okay Ms. Spencer I need you take a deep breathe then blow out of the count of three. One…two…three." He pulls the tube out while Olivia sits up coughing her lungs out.

"That's good Ms. Spencer focus on breathing in and out."

The nurse rushes in jotting down numbers then puts a mask over Olivia face.

"You two stay here I'll go talk to you're wife and see what the doctor's say." Doris exits with the staff leaving us alone.

If she had the strength I think Olivia would have made a run for it, but she looks so tired she can barely keep her eyes open.

An hour later Doris comes back in, jarring us both from a light sleep.

"What'd they say?" Olivia's voice is like sandpaper to my ears.

"They are going to release you into the care of Natalia. You are going to go home tonight and come back for a check up in the morning." Doris says as a matter of fact, leaving no room for argument, but lying down and taking it is rarely Olivia's style.

"The hell I am." Olivia snatches the needles in her arm out.

I cringe at the trickle of blood that escapes. That one reason I never used needles, can't stand the sight of blood especially my own.

"Yes you are." Dory crosses the room snatching gauze off the cart. "Natalia left to get you some clothes; she'll be back in a second." Doris says all of this while pressing the pad to Olivia's leaking arm. "Rodney hand me that tape."

I jump across the room and back handing her the tape. With one hand she tears the tape wrapping it around Olivia's arm.

"I'm going to come get you in the morning to bring you back for your check up."

Right on time Natalia comes in with the clothes Doris promised.

Like a prisoner walking to the chair she slowly puts on each garment of clothing refusing help from either of us.

I look at Natalia who looks like she is half way in the ground too. All the color has gone from her face. She goes to stand next to Olivia who is doing her best not to look at her.

"Are you ready?" Natalia turns to touch Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia twists away from her, looking as if she had never seen the woman before.

"Is your shoulder hurting?" Natalia says missing the mixed look of terror and anger.

"No, just don't." Slowly she sits on the side of bed breathing ragged.

"She is going to go home tonight and I'll pick her up in the morning." Doris' voice booms through the awkward silence.

Natalia seems to fidget a little under Doris gaze seemingly out of habit reaching out for Olivia's folded hands.

Olivia jumps off the bed screaming. "I said no! What don't you understand?"

Natalia ducks down holding her hands up defending herself against the invisible blow.

"Olivia!" Doris yells placing herself between the two women.

Natalia backs up until her back hits the wall.

I stand at the entrance taking it all in. Something is not right about this scene. In her most paranoid state Olivia was calmer than this especially now that her system has been mostly cleaned. No, something is definitely wrong with Olivia for her to be acting this way; I just can't put my finger on it.

"I SAID NO!" Olivia yells flinging her arms through the air.

Doris grabs her wrist pinning them to her side.

Olivia's voice dies to a hoarse whisper. "I said no. I told her no, she keeps touching me. I swear I said no." Her eyes close with tears rolling down her cheeks.

I have to strain to hear her but I've heard it before.

Holy Fucking Hell. God please please please tell me she doesn't mean what I think she means.

"Hey Dory maybe she should stay at the hotel." I step forward finding my voice.

"No she needs to go-"

"Fuck! Would you just listen to me for one second." I cut her off. She doesn't know it all. "Just this once listen to me." I stare at her in the eyes. "Let her go." I motion to Olivia who is still whispering under her voice.

She follows my order releasing Olivia's arms.

We stand in silence both trying to figure out what's the next step to all of this craziness.

"Olivia?" I hear Natalia behind me. "If you just come home…"

Olivia shakes her head.

"I have a better ideal." I turn to Olivia's wife. "How about she goes to the hotel to sleep this off and you come by in the morning and we'll all come to the check up."

Her eyes jump between me and Dory. I know she feels like we at ganging up on her to take Olivia away but she doesn't know how dangerous Olivia can be. I tried to warn her before but this time I am taking the choice out of her hands.

"I'll come with you." Natalia counters.

"No, the morning." I try to convince her with out spelling it out to her.

She looks like she wants to argue but decides against it. "Olivia?" She stands straight up holding her shoulders back. "I'll see you in the morning." She waits, probably for an answer from Olivia, which doesn't come. "I love you." She tries again.

Damn this woman does not quit.

Olivia looks at me like I'm her interpreter.

Doris nudges her.

"I love you too." Olivia eventually mumbles. It seems like its enough for the moment for her wife.

"I'll see you in the morning." She side steps Doris taking Olivia's hand. This time Olivia only cringes but lets Natalia kiss her hand.

This shit is crazy. When I got here Olivia was fine, now we are back to post graduation.

I know something has happened I just don't know what until Olivia tells me. I know one thing Olivia doesn't deserve this.

Out of the wolf pack, besides Dory, she's the only one trying to do something besides snort coke all day.

By the time we make it the hotel, Olivia can barely stand but refuses to let one of us help her.

I know it bad when she won't even let Dory touch her. Instead the whole elevator ride up Olivia stands in the opposite corner of us fighting exhaustion.

When the doors open Olivia staggers to the couch, falling like a redwood onto the cushions.

I can feel Dory's eyes on me.

Right now I'm at a loss. I thought I knew what to do next, now I'm not so sure.

We need to talk to Olivia, but I'm not sure it would help or hurt.

I think I should tell Doris what I think first, but then she is going to blame me for this too. I can't win.

I hear her shoe tapping impatiently. "Just spit it out already."

I keep my back to her hoping to buy some time on how to approach the subject.

Instead of waiting she walks around to face me, her eyes boiling with anything but love and compassion. "I swear to god Rodney if you don't say something right now."

Just out of habit I grind my teeth together really thinking. Maybe I should wait for Olivia to say something after all I could be wrong.

"3…2…"

"Okay!" She's right; a while ago she said she hated talking to me because I only delivered bad news. And she is right. "I didn't want to tell you because Olivia told me not too, but…ugh. Lily was here."

"What the hell did you just say?" Her jaw is so tight I think she might actually break a few teeth if she holds the grit. Either way she steps closer to me with her hand balled into fist.

She's going to hit me either way so I might as well give her a good reason.

"Lily was here."

I can practically hear the blood rushing through Dory.

Instead of decking me she turns quickly walking to the couch.

"Nonono." I run after her to stop her but she's already waking Olivia up.

"Hey, sweetheart." Dory pulls Olivia up to a sitting position. "Olivia, look at me."

"Hm, what?" Olivia struggles to open her eyes.

"Listen to me, this is really important." Dory catches her eyes. "I need to ask you a question." She takes hold of Olivia's face between her hands. "Look at me and don't lie to me."

"Okay." Olivia focuses a little still groggy.

Dory drops her hand massaging Olivia's shoulders. "Did Lily hurt you?"

Olivia's eyes widen as she wakes up more, but they also fill with tears. "I swear I said no." She starts to babble hysterically. "I couldn't fight…I just wanted it to stop…she came out of no where…I tired…"

"I know, I know." Dory calms her down before standing up. "You." She points at me. "Stay here, I'll be back in an hour or so."

"Wait!" Olivia needs for both of us to be here, we were last time and she'll need us this time. I step in Dory's path stopping her; hopefully I can clear some of the red out of her eyes. "Can you stay? I mean when she sobers up she's going to want you to be here. If you're not…I'm rusty at this thing so I need you to be here to help me…please. Look at her."

Dory turns to a teary eyed Olivia slumped on the couch mumbling.

Dory's shoulders sag in defeated. "Just until the morning."

That's my girl.

"We need to get her into some pajamas." I say to no one really because I don't want to touch Olivia and end up with a black eye.

I help Olivia off the couch while Dory opens the bedroom door. Before we can even take our first step Olivia lurches over vomiting a clear liquid.

I almost let her fall as it splatter to the floor, the smell is ripe.

After a couple of dry heaves she stands up leaning against me. WE make it to the bedroom but Olivia pulls away from me leaning against the door frame staring a the bed like she has seen a ghost.

"What's wrong green?" I give her some room just in case she lashes out.

"NO bed, no pajamas."

Dory looks at me like I, supposed to know why. I shrug at her. "Okay so where do you want to sleep?"

"I think I'm going to be sick again." Olivia covers her mouth with her hand stumbling into the bathroom. She almost makes it to the toilet but loses it right beside the bowls.

Dory walks in with a funnel and the comforter from the bed lining the tub with it.

"Why do you have a funnel?'

"Well I'm not sleeping on this floor." She put the funnel in the bathtub drain. "Come on, help me get her in."

With a lot of effort and little help from Olivia we get her in the tub.

Dory and I stand in the larger bathroom staring at each other like we have telekinesis.

"Get in already I'm cold." Olivia croaks from the oversized bathtub.

I kick off my shoes trying to avoid the mess on the floor.

"Don't touch me." Dory points at me climbing into the tub first. She lies out in front of Olivia. I climb over them settling behind Olivia.

"Olivia?"

"Mhm."

"Aim for the funnel." Dory says almost laughing.

"Just like old times." Olivia mumbles.

It is, isn't it?

"So what now?" I ask Dory. I need someone to tell me what to do now. I don't know how to handle this; I don't want to have to handle this.

"Sleep."

When the morning comes Olivia looks much better after a night of sleep. Her eyes are still red and she trembles with a lot of effort to walk on her own but she manages.

"We have to get to your appointment." I tell her watching her play with the breakfast I had brought up for us. "Natalia will be waiting for you."

"I don't want to see her."

Dory comes into the kitchen in clean clothes putting on her earrings.

"So what do you want to do, because using is not an option."

We both watch Olivia think. "I want to leave. Can we go to the ranch like we did last time? I think if I could just clear my mind I can think."

"The ranch?" I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind but Olivia like sitting in the dark and it's scary. Plus I doubt she would want her wife to be there and what about the kids. "What about your wife?"

"What about her?" Olivia asks shrugging her shoulders.

"I don't think you're thinking this through. You need to talk to her first."

"No I want to leave now, today." Olivia struggles to stand up from the table. "I'm not going to make it here; I can't do this if she is looking at me like she does."

"Maybe you should call her first."

"I will but from the plane. She will try to talk me out of leaving and I need to be away from her."

"Why?"

"I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want her to know."

"Olivia, wait." I stand up following her slow shuffle into the bedroom. "Look I talked to her and she was pretty upset while you were in the hospital. I just think if you gave her a chance…" I don't know what I think. I know if Olivia leaves without talking to her wife she will be devastated. She might never forgive me or Dory. If Olivia was in her right mind she wouldn't be considering this at all.

"I have thought about it. Do you know what I have been doing for the last few days?"

"Yes in the hospital with her by your side."

Olivia shakes her head I know she doesn't remember. "No I've been lying to her; to her face. I was getting high behind her back and every time she tried to help me I said things." She shakes her head again. "I told her not to compare me to Nicky and that is exactly who I became. I can't look her in the eye if I'm not better, if I'm not stronger than Lily. How can I say I love her when I told her to her face I would cheat on her when I felt like it? How can she love me when I'm became everything she hates, everything her father said I would be."

"But to just up and leave, that's not the answer."

"Right now it is." The trembling in Olivia legs get worse as she tries to remain standing up.

"Sit down."

"Where is my phone?"

"She probably still has it."

Doris walks into the room on her phone. "The plane will be ready in an hour."

"Dory, I think maybe we should wait."

"Rodney." She turns to me with a angry smirk. "The only reason you are not dead is because Olivia begged me not to hurt you. And while I accept you presence I won't tolerate you along to me like everything is okay. Yesterday was a free pass, next time I won't be so nice."

I shake me head, only after she turns away. If I really thought about it leaving does make since. The only time I can honestly say Olivia quit snorting are the two times we've been out to the ranch, once after Weller and then after that trail. She was so determined to find her wife she got clean in no time and was back on the case.

I just wish I didn't have to do it behind her back. She is going to be pissed.

OH man. I really have changed. Way to go for thinking about other peoples feelings. Go Rodney. Go Rodney.

Dory slaps my shoulder before helping Olivia.

Shit I bet I was dancing.

"Olivia, you know I am for what ever will help you but I want to make sure you want to do this today. We could wait for tomorrow." Dory slings her arm around Olivia shoulders.

I take a seat on the opposite side of Olivia waiting for her to answer.

"What time is it?"

"8."

"What time is my appointment?"

"11."

"Is Rick going to be there?"

"Yea I already talked to him and he's kind of upset you left without his permission."

"He's going to try to commit me. But I didn't mean to do it." Olivia waves her hands through the air.

"Rodney and I believe you."

"Yes I need to start today." Olivia starts moving with renewed energy. "I need to get away from this bed, this room, and this town just for a little while to collect myself."

NATALIA

I pick up Olivia's phone dialing one then waiting for the first voicemail to play. Of course she wouldn't have called my phone because I would have answered. She called her own phone probably knowing I won't have it on me.

If Rodney hadn't have called me I would have still been waiting at the hospital for them to show up. At least one of them as the nerve to say something, even if he didn't let me say anything. At least he told me she left me a message on her phone.

"Hey, Natalia. I just wanted to let you know I'm okay. I um…I needed some space and I had to get away, but I'll be back…I think. No I will. I um…you know I love you so much." I hear her sob on the other end. "No you know that, don't have to say that. I'm sorry. I thought I could." Her voice turns hard with anger. "I fucking told you before and you…it's your fault…no I mean." She sighs, her voice low and full of emotion. "I though I could keep you. I th-though that just maybe we were enough for me to be okay but it wasn't. I can't be who you wanted me to be and I blamed you. I wanted so much to tell you why. But all I can come up with is I'm sorry. I turned into a monster and you tried to put up with it but I don't want you to put up with anything besides being happy and I can't make you happy they way I am right now. So I'm going to get clean and when I come back I swear I will make all this up to you and Rafe and Emma tell them I love them so much. I love you too. I need you to be strong for them and...when I'm stronger I'll be back and…"
"Olivia you're babbling." I hear Doris in the background.

"Let her babble to her wife…I mean…please." Rodney whispers.

"Natalia I love you. Bye."