Conditions of the Heart

by masterphantom05

The sequel to the Bet.

9. Who do you love?

First Loves

Olivia

"Are you sure you want to do this? It's never too late to turn around."

"Doris for the thousandth time; it's been a month, a whole thirty days without my wife. I need to get back to my life some time." We pick our bags up off the floor headed or the double door.

"I know that." She holds the door open for me letting it close on Rodney who is carrying her luggage too.

I give her a dirty look while she shrugs off. "You do look good though."

"Thank you." I drop my bag on the ground squinting at the sudden burst of light. "God it's bright and hot."

"What do you expect it almost?" Rodney huffs trying to stand up straight with the bags weighing him down.

"There's the car." Doris points at the black limo pulling up to the curb.

I bite the inside of my cheek trying not to notice the looks Rodney and Doris are giving me. I called Natalia three days in a row to tell her when the plane was going to land. She never did respond back. I think she was still mad I told her to stop calling me a week into out trip.

It wasn't to be mean, I need time to myself. To not think about how much I disappointed her and to not think about what will happen when I came back. I needed that time. When ever I did try to contact her I chickened out hanging up before she answered. I don't know why I just couldn't find the strength to talk to my own wife but I didn't. I texted her a couple of times but I couldn't bring myself to actually talk to her not after all the things I said to her. Not until last week did we talk. I called her but she was very short and curt with me. I know she was mad and probably still is. I'm sure after I tell her what happen she'll understand.

"Why don't you ride with us?" Doris asks. She motions to Rodney to pick up my bag but I stop him.

"No, I'll wait. Natalia will be here. She's probably just running late." I pick up my bag sitting it by the bench against the wall. I calmly take a seat and start to wait.

"Well I can't leave you here by yourself, so I'll wait with you." Doris sits down beside me.
The driver of the car gets out stacking the bags in the trunk.

"You can park somewhere until my friends' wife gets here." Rodney hands the man a hundred dollar bill.

He simply nods his head and hops in his car pulling up to the end of the curb.

Rodney steps back to us trying to sit down on the other sit of Doris but she is having none of it. "No."

"Doris don't be-" A deadly stare cuts off the rest of his sentence. We both know there is no use in arguing. Doris will punish him until she is satisfied. "Fine." He leans against the wall for a few minutes before resorting to sitting on the ground.

We sit in silence it seems forever. The sun has began make it way down to the horizon.

I look down at my watch; we've been waiting two hours. Every time I call her I get the voicemail she's not even responding to my text.

I want to be stubborn and hopeful and wait here until 2 the next afternoon. Maybe she got the days mixed up. Or maybe she came yesterday and thought we decided to spend another week or month. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Or maybe she doesn't care that I came back.

"Ok."

My word snaps Doris out of her trance. She gets up taking my hand and leading me to the car. "Don't worry."

"I'm trying."

The ride in the car is silent except for Rodney and Doris bickering about something unimportant.

"Olivia you okay?"

I look at Rodney. He has a serious look on his face.

I mentally check myself. I'm sitting up straight, I'm not crying so why would he ask me that.

"Yes, why?"

"You've just been quiet. For the last four days you've been going on and on about coming back home."

I look back out the window at the passing scenery. It looks the same and different at the same time. It feels like ages since I've been here and yet it seems like yesterday I was having a mental break down somewhere along these streets. "Yes, I'm fine."

Doris looks across at me with a blank stare.

I hate when she does that. She knows I can't read the look. I don't like not knowing what someone is thinking while they are looking at me.

"What?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

I feel myself getting a like more excited as the familiar trees began to pass. I know we are almost there, my home, my wife, my kids.

My kids. I totally forgot about them in all this mess. I haven't really thought about their reaction to my arrival. I wonder if she told them why I was away. I hope not.

Natalia most likely wouldn't do that. She would want them to have a golden image of me even if hers is tarnished.

"We're here." The driver announces.

The words send my ears ringing. I'm finally home. The new new me, that isn't afraid of her own shadow and that can make it through the day without having a total meltdown.

I take a deep breathe, feeling better than I did standing in front of an empty parking lot.

How could I have been so stupid to think she would have abandoned me? Of course Natalia didn't come to pick me up, she probably wouldn't have been able to keep a secret.

She has to be throwing me a surprise party. I bet everyone is here, ready to jump out, which would be just great. I need to get around to everyone and apologize for my actions, especially the one who tried to help.

"You want me to walk you up?" Doris leans across touching my leg.

I must look crazy with a big kool-aid smile on my face. "If you want to." I open the door stepping out into the warm fresh air.

"I'll stay here she probably hates us as it is." Rodney mutters as I get out.

Doris nods her head, but gets out helping me get my bag out. "I want you to call me as soon as you get settled. We'll have lunch tomorrow, okay."

"Okay."

She kisses my cheek before getting back in the car.

I watch it leave trying to prepare myself for whatever.

I want to start by telling Natalia how sorry I am for leaving and tell her why all of it went to hell.

While sitting in the pitch dark basement I realize I was giving Lily way too much power over my life. I have since graduated. The funny thing is I have never had a nightmare about her, it's always about him. But it seems she is the only one who can break me down into feeling like nothing, maybe because the first time was sort of consensual and the second was my fault. I shouldn't have been drinking.

Hell the first step in every program is to admit you have a problem. I do have a problem but my second step was to admit fault. I admit it was mostly my fault, first for flirting so much, second for being high, third for saying yes then changing my mind, and last for drinking that night. I should have stayed on my toes knowing she was around.

So in the month that I've been away I have corrected some of my mistakes. I haven't had a drink in 20 days. I haven't taken in drugs in 25 days. And I have been working on not flirting so much. I have stopped winking, stopping smiling at strangers who catch my eye and stopped tossing my hair; not that there is much left.

I cut it to just above shoulder length and dyed it black with gold streaks. Doris said the streak would help it not look so depressing. Rodney even cut and dyed his hair. Doris refused to cut her hair but being a team player she dyed it.

We looked silly but I think my look has grown on everyone.

I take another deep breathe before ringing the door bell. In my haste to leave I forgot my keys and my phone. I should have stopped to get them before I left but I'm here now, with my family.

In less than a minute the door open with Emma's little face sticking out. "Mommy!" She jumps into my arms squeezing her arms around my neck. She pulls back fingering shorter hair. "Your hair?"

"I cut it, you don't like it?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "My present?"

"Of course I bought my little jumping jellybean something." I tickle her ribs.

She laughs fidgeting to get down. I put her on her feet looking into the empty living room.

Where is everyone?

"Come in so we can play." She pulls me by the hand into the room.

The furniture is new. Gone are the red and white couch and chairs. They've been replaced with yellow and white furniture. The ends tables were painted yellow with a white streak. The curtains are white and flap in the open window. The house smells of fresh flower sitting in their pots around the room.

I close the door and the thud echo through the room.

Natalia comes running down the stairs in a panic. "Emma, how many times have I told you about opening the door?" She gets to the bottom before registering me standing behind our little girl.

Her mouth drops open as she stares at me with a strange look.

I see Rafe come half way down the stairs looking at me with a blank stare. He shakes his head before turning around and stomping back up the stairs.

"Hey." I turn back to Natalia.

"Hi." She says before dropping down to Emma. "How many times baby?"

"But I did look first." Emma pouts.

"No Emma, don't open the door at all." Natalia says firmly.

I know she is trying to teach her a lesson, there are evil people out there but it's me.

She can open the door for her other mother, right? Or have I lost that privilege to be trusted. I shouldn't be surprised. I snuck around the house on her getting high and drunk when ever she turned her back. I broke promise after promise to get my way, why should I expect everything to just be okay now that I'm clean again.

Emma nods her head sniffing back the tears.

She's so sensitive to reprimand that I hate to be the one to do it.

"It's okay, don't cry." Natalia pulls her into a hug.

I feel like I'm intruding on a moment. I clear my throat on instinct.

Natalia kisses Emma's head before standing up staring a hole through me.

"I guess you didn't get my message." I shuffle from one foot to the next. I don't really know what to expect form her. She wasn't there to pick me and now there is not party or even welcome home hug.

She looks at me like I am a stranger.

I know I acted like one the last time she saw me. She probably doesn't know which personality to talk to too. Maybe she is scared of me, hell I know I would be. But I will make all of it okay. I know I can, if she just gave me a chance I could explain it all and make it better.

It's still a toss up if I should tell her about Lily or not. I could always lie and say some unknown person was the culprit, but where would that get me but back in that vicious cycle of lying to my wife.

"Come on Emma let me make you a snack." She turns around walking to the kitchen with Emma in tow.

I don't know if I should follow or not. I hate the silent treatment, but I deserve it and more.

I follow them into the kitchen standing the doorway.

"Wait Mommy. Susie wants snack too." Emma runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Susie? Does she have a friend over?

Natalia moves around the kitchen in a knowing fashion. Without missing a step she goes from the bread holder to the pantry and to the counter.

"Natalia?"

She keeps moving pulling out various items, chips, carrots, more bread, spoon, juice boxes…

I step in front of the refrigerator as she moves back to it.

She stops huffing at my intrusion.

"I know you're angry."

"I'm not angry. Please move." Her voice is calm and even. Her mouth is pulled down into a frown and her eyes are unreadable.

"You are."

"I'm not Olivia. I'm not angry at you. I know you went to get clean, so why would I be mad?"

I could name a hundred reasons off the top of my head. "Because-"

"I'm not angry Olivia. I'm happy you're better." She stares at me with unwavering eyes. They don't look happy to see me but she doesn't look mad either.

"Okay. But I still wanted to apologize for the way I handled the situation." I watch for her reaction but she doesn't show any. I wonder if she has just heard my apology too many times to reaction. I think I apologized to her every other sentence in my brief conversations with the answering machine.

"It's fine." To my surprise she smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes, then she really surprises me by taking my hand in hers. "As long as you are better we are all fine."

I wonder how much of a lie that is.

I step to the side letting her get the peanut butter out.

She begins to make the sandwiches in silence.

"I know you said everything was fine but I wanted to talk to you anyway about all of it. Even if you are not upset I want you to know how sorry I am and…and why I did what I did, even though I know there is not excuse for it." Natalia hands me a sandwich. "Thank you."

"Um, that's fine. It's just going to be a busy next couple of days, but I think we can make time for that." She licks the rest of the peanut butter off the spoon before starting to put everything away.

"I'm going to go put some things away and then maybe we could sit down." I look at her she packs the sandwich in Emma's lunch box.

"Actually I told my mother I would bring the kids by. They are going to be spending at few days with her. Then I have to be at the shelter for some new arrivals, after that we'll see." She looks back up at me; her eyes are not longer unreadable. They are full of pity, confusion and disappointment.

"Okay." I turn away from her before I lose my bite of food.

She's disappointed in me. Of course she is I'm disappointed in myself. I disappointed her and our children. I let my weaknesses shine through day after day in front of her. I let Lily pin me to a bed, not once but twice. TWICE. She got the best of me and what did I do. I cried. I cried and took it out on those closest to me.

I shake my head trying to stay in the present but the flashes of picture and slow motion video behind my eye unedited.

I blink my eyes in an effort to cut off the images but I can't stop my brain from working overtime.

When they finally leave I realize I'm sitting on the steps of our house, weakness leaking out of my eyes. I take a deep breathe feeling like I'm underwater. I count to ten then backwards. I count again trying to find my bearings.

I need to be stronger than this.

Crying for god sakes. I thought I had gained better control over these emotional breakdowns. How am I supposed to prove to Natalia how strong I am if this keeps happening? I can't cry in front of her, she has too many things to take of as it is. I left her to take care of Rafe and Emma by herself because of my shortfalls, no more. No more. I feel almost relieved that on the few times I did try to tell her what happen I didn't.

I wipe my eye catching my breath at the same time.

"Mommy?"

I jump at Emma's voice. "Oh god jellybean." I clutch my chest holding my head down long enough to clear my face of the rest of my tears. "You scared me."

"What's wrong?" Emma's fingers wind themselves in the ends of my hair.

"Oh nothing baby. Mommy is just resting from her long trip; jet lag."

"Me and Susie" Emma holds up a new rag doll with red freckles and black hair. "We just got up from our nap."

"Mm, that's good. I hope you and Susie have good time at your grandma's." I try to end the conversation with my daughter, but she is a child so she doesn't get how these things go yet, she sits down sitting Susie between us.

"I have fun but Susie doesn't."

"Why?"

"Grandma's cat, Yummy, keeps trying to bit her."

"Bite." I correct her sentence.

"I tell her all the time to come with me but she wants to sit on the couch and watch SpongeBob. I told her Ma said the TV will make her blind but she doesn't listen." Emma scolds the silent doll. "Then when grandma says no cookies she gets them anyway."

My imaginative thieving little girl looks quite content. I miss her a lot. A month without talking to her because Natalia wouldn't answer the phone no matter what number I called, I got voice mail.

"I missed you baby." I put my arms around her small shoulders.

"I miss you too. And Susie. And Ma."

I know it's wrong to involve her. "And how do you know?" I pull her into my lap looking her in the eyes.

"She cried a lot, but Danny came and made her smile."

My stomach lurches at the name. Someone was here taking my place. "Danny?"

"Yep, grandma says he can make her happy again and that Rafe's looks like him." Emma looks at me not realizing the bombshell she just dropped. She fingers my hair again.

"Was he around a lot?" I hold on tighter to Emma preparing myself for her answer.

Emma looks behind her and then behind me. "I'm not posed to tell but he kissed her on the mouth, like you and Ma. And then, and then he said I can wait. Cause Ma said she can't. And then she said it again. Then he said, he said we can be friend. But Susie doesn't like Danny because his favorite color is yellow. She only likes red."

With an easy that surprises even me I digest the story. So Natalia kissed someone else, I probably did worse. Can I deal with that? No…yes I can deal with that. Who knows what she was thinking, he might have surprised her. And even if he didn't I deserve that, I haven't been the best spouse in the world but I can change that.

If this Danny wants my wife he'll have to fight me for her. I can make her happy too, I just need time.

"Rafe, Emma, lets go!"

"Have a good time baby." Emma gets up trekking the rest of the steps.

Rafe comes down the steps hugging the banister.

"Rafe?" I call his name as he tries to pass.

"Yes?" He looks at me uncomfortably.

"It's good to see you, I missed you."

The silence lingers for a few seconds. "I missed you too." It sounds forced but I will take it.

"I'm sorry I missed your camp. But I want to make it up to you. You just name the place and time and I'll be there." I stand up patting his shoulder. "Maybe we could do something tomorrow?"

He shrugs his shoulder in a typical teenage style before leaving for the kitchen.

I stand on the stairs until I hear the door close.

It's going to be a long road but I am prepared for it. I have to be to get my family back.

Natalia

"So how is she?" I ask my mother as she comes back in the living room. I fold my leg under me on the couch preparing for a long night.

"When she finally stopped talking she drifted off." She walks past the couch and into the kitchen. "You want some coffee?"

"Oh I shouldn't, I've been on coffee none stop all day. I need to cut down on my caffeine." My leg began to go numb in seconds. I pull my legs up to my chest massaging my tingly toes.

My mother sits beside without her coffee. She stares at me out the side of her eyes her hands twitching in her lap.

"I guess Emma told you Olivia came home today."

"She did." She turns towards me laying her hand on my arm. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders. "She wants to talk."

"It wasn't your fault honey."

"How do you know? I should have seen the signs, you even tried to tell me and I blew up at you and you were right. Everyone was right and I was once again too blind to see it until it was too late." I push my leg out letting my toes brush the shag carpet on the floor. "I should have seen it and I should have done something."

"You tried."

"But did I try hard enough. Did I really do everything I could? I don't think I did. And that makes me mad. I don't know who I'm angrier with, myself or her."

Silence fall over the room both of us caught at the crossroads. I know how she feels about the situation. I don't know if I feel the same.

"What time is it?"

"It's midnight. You could stay here. Emma is sleep anyhow."

"No I shouldn't. I can't run from my own home."

"I really wish you would reconsider." She pats my shoulder, her eyes full of pity and understanding.

"I should want to go home, right?"

"These kinds of relationships can be hard on a woman and you've been through this before I hate to see you struggle with it again."

I feel like another ton of bricks have been settled on my shoulders. Am I in an abusive relationship with Olivia? I can't be. Could I?

I promised I would never put Rafe and Emma through that again and yet here I am hiding from Olivia. I'm scared of Olivia. I am, this whole thing has thrown our marriage off balance. What I thought was true has turned out to be a lie. The person I thought I loved disappeared replaced with a cruel and callous woman. That woman that seems to pop up every few months but this time it took longer.

Sure the honeymoon phases last longer but in the end it always ends up like this. Olivia gets high or drunk and I feel like I'm the one who suffers.

Or maybe it's just me being self-centered, but what else could it be. She really scared me this time. The thing she said are still engrained on my tattered heart. I can still hear her words. Everything was a lie.

Olivia never hit me but abuse isn't always physical. Is she doing this on purpose to scare me or was it truly a simple relapse with nothing behind it. There has to be more. She was doing so well then the drinking started.

Was it my fault for not catching it in time or did I put too much pressure on her.

I thought she wanted to do all those things. I thought she wanted to spend time with the children after school. I didn't think she minded if I stayed at the safe house late or that I let her cook breakfast.

Maybe I was too happy to realize she wasn't. Why wouldn't she say something if it was too much I would have helped.

Or maybe it's not me maybe this is who Olivia is; maybe she will just relapse every year. Maybe she doesn't want to be clean. Maybe she is only clean to please me but how long can that last. She has to want to get better.

I wonder if she really meant all those things. The drugs just lowered her filter and everything she really felt came flowing out.

Does she really love me or just the thought of having a family? What if she relapses again with Rafe and Emma here? I can't put them through that, not after what Rafe went through with Nicky.

"Please don't ignore the signs. I don't think I could stand to watch you suffer again." My mother wipes a tear from her face.

"I know. I'm going to get Emma and go home." I've have been through this before and I know how to maintain it. If I hadn't have pushed Olivia she wouldn't have relapsed and she wouldn't have said those things whether she meant them or not.

"Let her stay."

I nod. She should stay her I can't use my own child as a buffer.

As much as I prayed and hoped on the way home, Olivia was still there when I arrived. I don't know where I expected her to be at one in the morning but I was hoping she would be there instead of here. As soon as I make it up the stairs I here the shower running from our bedroom, a room that I have spent as little time as possible in. While she was away I took to sleeping with Emma or on the couch.

I hate that room.

I force myself to walk to the door of our room. Its wide open, all the lights in our room are on, including 2 extra lamps that were not here when I left.

The door to the bathroom is closed and steam is escaping into the main room. Olivia's clothes, sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt are thrown haphazardly in the corner of the room.

I travel to her side of the bed; it's soaked in what is probably sweat.

She must have had another of her nightmares. I wonder what mood she will be in, happy, depressed, or angry.

I throw the pillows onto the floor and removed the soaked sheets. I lay a large towel over her side just incase any moisture decides to try to soak through. It only takes me a couple of minutes to change the sheets and comforter.

I walk into my closet deciding to go to bed. I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep which I know will be tough with my brain refusing to stop asking me questions.

I lay down in case I need to fake sleep so she won't start with anything heavy tonight. We need to talk but now is not the time. The wounds are too fresh.

I lay there for another 10 minutes, she's still in the shower. My heart constrict as I try to fight my way into sleep. I need to at least make sure everything is okay. As fast as my feet will carry me I run to the door of the bathroom trying the door but it's locked.

I'm being silly. Don't panic, don't panic. Calm down. Calm down.

I flex my hand a couple of time trying to calm my nerves enough to knock instead of beat on the door. "Olivia?" I knock on the door putting my ear to the wood to listen for sound.

The shower cuts off and I let out a breath I had probably been holding since walking into the room.

I step away from the door feeling more that embarrassed.

I sit down on my side of the bed reciting any verse I could remember to calm myself down to a normal heart rate. That is why I hate this room. It reminds me too much of that day and everything I could have lost forever and so much more that I had already lost.

I hear Olivia moving around in the bathroom.

Instead of just waiting I decide to turn some of the lights off, all except the lap on her nightstand.

I lie down but sit back up. If I am up she might think I have been waiting on her, which I am but not to talk. I just want to make sure she is okay.

If I lay down she might feel rejected but at least she won't be tempt to try to talk. Forget it, I'll sit up and when she comes out I'll be polite and decline to talk. I just need to make sure she is okay, as much as she can be.

A few minute of listening to my inter-dialogue the door to the bathroom open but just a crack. Olivia peeps out of the crack before opening the door all the way. She turns the light off and watches me as she walks around the bed to her side.

"Hi." I lean back into the headboard trying to look relaxed. She looks too thin, but I like her hair. I don't know why I didn't really notice it earlier. It's different but I like it.

"Hi." Olivia responds but looks at the bed covering noticing the new sheets. "Thank you."

"Another nightmare?" This is not part of the plan. I don't why I am asking her questions.

She sits down on the side of the bed still looking at the bedding. "Yea, a bad one." Her voice shakes as she talks but her shoulders shake even more.

I take her in. Her mouth is pulled down into a frown. The vein around her eye is prevalent only showing up when she is stressed. She wearing another long sleeve shirt and sweatpants both black on color. Her posture is slumped like she is second from falling forward.

I want to ask what's wrong but I already know. "Are you alright?"

She nods her head.

It's going to be hard on both of us to try to get back into some sort of normalcy, I won't even pretend to know what she is actually going through but I won't excuse it.

I don't want to think about it right now, I'm tired and sleepy.

"Goodnight." I slide down under the cover rolling away from her.

I can see her reflection in the window as she continues to sit.

She looks down at me a few times before finally sliding under the cover herself.

"Are you going to cut the light off?"

I feel the comforter pull slightly as she brings it up to her chin. "I was." Her voice is tight and snippy.

I've already pissed her off. That's what I get for asking questions.

I wait wondering how long she is going to leave it on. The clock ticks away, finally she turns the light off.

I lay there waiting and after an hour I hear her breathing evens out.

I roll over towards her watching her sleep. She's sleeping on her stomach which is weird. She hardly sleeps on her stomach. It's hard to cuddle with someone sleeping on their stomach.

A lot of things will have changed.

Who would have thought we would be sleeping in the same bed on her first night back. I didn't, I wonder if she did, probably no after my icy welcoming.

After only a few calm moments Olivia begins to get agitated. She starts to snake around under the covers. The movement behind her eye lids becomes more active. A mix between a groan and a whimper escape her throat.

God only knows how mad I am at her but I can't stand to see her disturbed.

Obviously her recovery has not stopped the dreams. I only know two ways to stop them; one is to wake her up which I don't want to do because I know we will be up all night fighting them off. I don't have the strength or desire to fall back into that routine.

The second way is to hold her and talk to her. Maybe she won't wake up and she will never know. Or I'm being selfish, in reality I want to feel her next to me. I can't even count how many night I wrapped my arms around myself imagining they were hers.

Beside me, while I battle myself, Olivia continues to battle her demons. She rises up almost like a push up. The sweat is pouring off of her again.

"Olivia." I sit up pulling her by her waist back down to the bed.

A strangled cry is release from her lips echoing through the house. "Please no."

"Shh. Come here." I pull her back against me so that we face the same way. I comb the damp hair away from her ear propping myself on my elbow. "No one is going to hurt you. I'll protect you."

She whimpers again but her activity has ceased.

I hold her securely against my body making sure she can feel me as her anchor.

She mumble something resembling a please.

"Shh, baby." I lean down whispering in her ear. When she's like this I like to talk to her it seems to calm her down, hearing my voice. If I'm going to get any rest I need to make sure she can.

I don't know what to talk about now. Then I would have rambled on about how much I loved her and mostly likely did the first time we met. How I couldn't stop thinking about her after the first time we made love. I would go on for hours about how I wouldn't trade my life for the world and how glad I am Nicky was an asshole because I never would have met her.

Now it seems silly so I start where I've been wanting to say since our visit to the hospital.

"You scared me…a lot." I swallow the lump in my throat, vivid flashes of her fighting for her life in our bathroom play across the side of her face. "Yeah, you scared me so bad. But I don't really want to talk about that. Even though I think about it all the time. I think about what would have happened if you had died. I don't know if I would have made it myself. Then I think about having to tell Rafe and Emma. I don't know if Emma will understand. I know she is smart but I don't think a three year old can fully grasp the meaning of death."

Olivia lays limp beside me, her breathing almost back to normal.

"I don't think anyone can fully grasp death. They know how it feels to lose someone but can anyone fully grasp what it is like to die. I think I almost did. In the back of that ambulance, I think I died a little. Nothing feels the same or tastes the same. I tried to cook that meat on a stick thing you like so much and I couldn't taste them. Rafe said they we too salty but I couldn't taste the salt. Everything is just food now something to keep me alive but I feel like a piece of me has died." I roll a wet string of her hair through my fingers. "Maybe it just left with you and now that your back it should return, right? I hope it does."

"I'm sorry I acted so cold towards you today. I really was excited to see you, and then I saw you kiss Doris and I remembered you left me to be with her. Not really but kind of. You trust her more that you trust me and that makes me distrust you. I bet if she believed in monogamy you two would be a great couple."

Olivia rolls over throwing her arm around my midsection.

"Do you not agree?" I laugh at myself. Of course she wouldn't she would swear there would be something else standing in their ways and that we are perfect together.

"I do love you; you and I both know that. I always will but you have to understand that I have to protect my heart and our children, even if it is from you." I slide down to the mattress kissing Olivia clammy forehead. "Forgive me if you don't like the way things are. If you remember a word a say tonight just remember I love you with all my heart and soul but I can't let you in again." I hug her tighter; our bodies still meld together perfectly. "I'll be your wife as long as you'll have me but I won't let you take this family down with you."

OLIVIA

I sit across from Dr. John Baker, his office is similar to Lindsey's except he has more bookshelves lined with 1st edition novels.

After two sessions I have gotten into a rhythm. I read the title to every book on one shelf then I focus on how John got such a gorgeous head of hair in his mid fifties. He has to have a stylist or just spends a shit load of money on products.

I wait for him to tap his pen again trying to get my attention and right on time he does. His right leg begins to bounce. "I thought you wanted to make this quick."
"I do." I shrug my shoulders going back to the bookshelves.

"You have to talk for that to happen." He looks at his watch for the fifth time in an hour then begins to tap his pen against his lips.

I sink back into the comfort of the leather couch. I would like to make this easy I just don't want to talk about it anymore.

Besides coming here two hours three times a week, I attend a women's victim groups three times a week. I'm tired of talking and listening to the same thing I heard in college or after college, I'm tired.

"So I guess I'll start." He crosses his legs readying his pen and paper for notes. "Why do you think you let everything get so far out of hand?"

"I don't know." I don't know why he asks me this question. Before I even agreed to meet with him I told him my story from childhood to now and yet every time I come here he asks me this question.

"I want to know about before the drug relapse? We've…well I've talked about it. Now I want to know why you started drink."

I sit up trying to remember just when I took that first drink. I'm pretty sure it was at the fundraiser. What was I thinking?

"Can you at least tell me a little more about the night before?"

"Why so you can have a mental image when I leave." I snap back instantly flinching. I don't know why I keep snapping at him. I have to learn to control my temper better.

"Let's not get defensive so fast."

"Sorry." I focus back on his perfect head of hair. Not one gray can be seen, not even one strand out of place.

I stretch out on the couch propping my feet up on the arm.

"Let's start again, the night before."

I close my eyes trying to fight of the images of that night. "I felt dirty." What I must have looked like bent over the back of that couch, grinding on that pole, begging Natalia for sex. It's no wonder they chose me.

"Why did it make you feel dirty?"

"I don't know. Because it was out of my comfort zone but I wanted it. I don't know why but I did." I roll over on the couch planting my face in the cushion which I am sure a hundred people have sat on. "I think the irritating thing was I liked it. I shouldn't have."

"And why would you think that?"

"I just shouldn't, those are the types of things…"

"What?"

I close my eyes finally letting the movie play. "Things." These are the images that invade my dream but morphing into something that wakes me in the middle of the night screaming.

"I'm going to finish that thought for you and correct me if I'm wrong."

I roll back on my back trying to sink in deeper.

"If you liked that there would be no telling what else you might like. Maybe you would like to be tied up; who knows maybe somewhere inside of you…you enjoyed what they did."

I sit up quick I get dizzy. "I didn't."

"Didn't you?"

"No I would give anything to redo those nights." I yell kicking the small coffee table between us over.

"But you can't." He doesn't even flinch at the over turned table.

"You don't think I know that."

"So how about instead of trying to bury them you face them."

"Because they hurt too much!" I sit back drained from the small outburst.

"Let me tell you something you've probably heard before. You'll never get out of the fire if you don't walk through it. If you don't face these things they'll keep coming up to ruin everything you worked for, your family, friends, sobriety, and your business." Satisfaction is written all over his face.

Smug little prick is right.

Punishment that is what it has felt like since I returned to this state, city, hell even my own house. It's been two weeks since I returned and Natalia and I still haven't held a conversation for more than two minutes. A person I spent damn near 24 hours with on a daily bases, not that long ago, can't even stand to be in a room with me for more than 5 minutes.

I know I messed up. I know I might have said some hurtful words and done some stupid things just because.

I know that's what she thinks, that I just did it for nothing, or maybe because Rodney showed up or because I was feeling trapped in her dream family. It's not like I have giving her any reason to think otherwise. Partly my fault, but it's hard to talk to someone who is always moving.

And I know she has a lot of responsibly other than us. Emma and Rafe are trying to enjoy the last of their summer vacation.

More women are coming and going from the shelter, she has to be on her toes.

Still it hurts to know that I'm at the bottom of her priority list.

I deserve this.

I feel like if I could just talk to her and tell her what happened than maybe just maybe we could start to get back on track or at the very least come to a mutual understanding of why.

I can't even get that. Not matter how hard I try she won't sit down and talk to me. She's avoiding the conversation that so desperately needs to be said. I just don't know why. I told her she could unload on me. I told her I deserve every vile word she can come up with. But nothing.

If any thing after we talk she might feel better. At least then we'll know if it's too late or if we can somehow pull ourselves back to each other and try for the sake of love.

Silence hurts more than any slap or word could.

And now this Danny character has entered the picture. Asshole wouldn't stop calling her and what's even more nerve rattling is she won't stop answering even in the middle of the night.

He gets breakfast, lunch, and dinner and what do I get the cold shoulder.

Natalia won't hug me; I can't even get a goodbye wave. I expected that, she wasn't even at the airport to pick us up. And that hurt. Maybe I'm expecting too much from her. I know I have to be the one to make the first step, its just she's cutting me of at the knees with every stride.

She spends most of her time at her mother's, the shelter, or with Blake and Lindsey. I've caught a few angry glares from people but nothing like her mother. I bet her and Danny say that I don't care, that I didn't think of her, but God knows how wrong they are.

I needed time to fix my life. Now I just need to know that if I close my eyes she will be there, she's not.

The nights are the hardest. The queen sized bed feels like a king when she finally slips into bed sleeping on the edge. I can hardly sleep because all I can think about is her, just holding her.

Even with the sleeping pills I'm lucky if I get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep with or without her there.

If I could stop the dreams I could sleep and be more alert during the day. I would have more energy to fight for her attention.

But I know I can't because it was my fault all this happened. I know I can make it right if I could just have a second with her alone with out the interruption of the kids, Danny, or her mother. I can make this right.

Natalia walks into the room pausing at the threshold. She didn't know I was in here and I can see the thoughts of turning and leaving swirl around her head. To my surprise she doesn't. Instead she takes a seat at the vanity with her computer and notebook.

Wow, so all I have to do is think and it will come true. I guess I better jump on this rare moment of us alone.

I sit up straighter in the middle of the bed. "Hey, you need some help?"

She's been working on a speech she is supposed to give at a women's conference. I know she has been struggling to concentrate with me around. I want to show her how supportive I am and how we can still click.

"No." She shakes her head twirling her pencil in her hand.

"You sure baby, I mean I could whip us up some snacks and we could work on it." And by it I mean us.

"Yep." She types loudly on the keyboard.

I flop back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.

Her phone rings that stupid 'Take ME Out to The Ball Game' song. I already know who it is. It's Danny. In my head I can't help but spit on his name. Oh yes Danny the saint waltz into town while I was trying to get clean and sweeps up the mess.

Danny was Natalia first love, her first real kiss and her first lover. He calls every day, 'just to check on her'. Like I don't know what he is playing at. I used to be the queen of these types of games.

Natalia might be fooled but I'm not. He just happens to advocate for abused women organizations. Nope I don't think that's a coincident at all.

It irks me so much how she can blow me off whenever he calls. Like last week when we were supposed to have lunch, 'I can't make it Olivia. Danny and I are looking up some more grants that the House could get.' Danny can get this or that for the House. What about me? I have money he doesn't. She wouldn't need grants or any money from anyone else if she let me give it to her.

As much as it hurts to say it I think she is fond of him too. I can see it in the glow in her eyes when she talks to him. It's probably there when she hugs him too. But I wouldn't know because he can never come over for dinner or meet us for lunch.

I feel like I'm in this by myself. I can hardly get a moment of her time without him needing her. I've been trying my best to keep the thoughts of her possible infidelity out of my head, but everyday they grow stronger and stronger flying by my eyes uninvited.

Natalia picks up her phone, sighing, probably at me instead of him interrupting her writing.

"Hi Danny." She pauses. "No you didn't interrupt anything."

Now it's my turn to sigh.

I see her shake her head out the corner of my eye. I just pretend not to notice.

"That would be great." Natalia gets up from her seat at the vanity, taking her computer with her. "I just email the next draft to you."

I sit up watching her walk out our room. My heart clenches and explodes sending it angry bits to the corners of my body. I guess sometime in the near future this is going to be a problem, but not now. I am determined to be the perfect wife. I'm going to be supportive even if she is cheating on me.

Before I relapsed I was the perfect wife and I can be again. I'll pick the kids up from school and come home to fix their snack then sometimes started dinner. I knew Natalia was busy with the shelter so I took up any slack again. Even the chores I never used to do; picking up dry cleaning, washing dishes, even picking up after myself and the kids. It felt good for the first few months. It was something to occupy my time. Then the pack came into town and the other thing that happened, it all just came crashing down. I am determined to rebuild it for her even if I do it by myself.

"Hi, Mommy!" Emma skips into the room, jumping onto the bed.

"Hey baby girl, how's life."

She shrugs her shoulders. "Who was that?" She points out the door.

"Danny." I try to keep the disgust out of my voice.

"Danny!" She jumps off the bed sprinting for the door.

"Wait!" She skids to a halt at the door. "Where are you going?" I haven't been able to get anymore info out of her since our talk on the steps; I think she might be jumping ship too.

"Patsy wants to talk to him." Emma double-dutches over the threshold holding up a new doll. "He played doll house with me."

My face must have fallen and so does hers. She must have realized she hurt my feelings.

She really didn't, it's just the thought they were replacing me without even telling me. I bet Natalia wasn't even going to tell me he was in my house, was he in our bed?

Emma climbs back onto the bed throwing her arms around my neck. "I still love you better. You're smarterer than he is."

That brings a smile to my face. At least someone still likes me over Saint Danny.

"The funny things is I've never has a nightmare about Lily just David."

"It could be because you rationalized the assault with Lily." John counters.

"I shouldn't have said yes."

"I think you've somehow convinced yourself it was consensual."

"I shouldn't have said yes." I repeat. Most people don't here me when I say it the first time.

"Okay let's talk about Natalia."

Even thought we are going through a very very rough patch I can't help but smile at just the mention of her name. "She's patient."

"How so?"

"She hasn't made a move yet, you know trying to give me some space." I'm lying and I think he know it. Still it's better to lie to myself then accept that fact that she just doesn't want me near her.

"It's good that you're both on the same page."

I frown at his comment. I doubt she is living a lie the way I am. "But we aren't."

"I was wondering when you would admit it. Have you two talked yet?"

"No."

"Do you want space?" John's eyebrow rise in anticipation of another lie.

"I do but not from her. I get confused sometimes because I don't want to have sex, but I want to feel close to her. I want her to want to have sex with me." I can hardly explain it to myself. It's a yes no thing going on in my head. I want her close but not too close. I want her to want me but I don't want her to show it. "I think of what Lily must have told her. Sometimes she looks at me with this look."

"Like what?"

"I can't describe it but I don't like it. Like she sees something she doesn't want to be around. She doesn't want to be around me. That's scares me the most, that she'll find out and that look will be more prevalent, like she'll see me for who I am."

"Who are you?"

"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders.

"Do you see what you are doing?"

"Thinking too much." It's giving me a headache.

"No you are making it impossible for her to win. You want space but you don't. You want her to want to have sex with you but you don't want to have sex. Have you ever looked at it from her view?"

"Yes."

"Well you should know she's probably confused. The last time she saw you, you were Dr. Jyckle and Mr. Hyde. Now you're back she doesn't know what to expect and I have to say it but for a woman who has been through an abusive marriage it must be scary to fine herself in another."
"What! I never once laid a hand on Natalia?" I almost jump off the couch.

"You didn't have to your words said it all."

"You think I'm abusing Natalia?" I wonder if she thinks the same thing. What if she does? What if she really is scared of me?

"No I didn't say that, what I want you to take out of this session is that your wife might be confused. You were on edge the last time she saw you. You might have said some things that might have hurt and that might have taken her back to her first marriage. What you need to do now is show her that you are better. That you have stabilized."

"I'm trying." I really have been trying.

"Listen to me Olivia. You are creating a no win situation for her and you because you can't stay out of your head. You have to make your intentions clear everyday day and let her see and know."

LINDSEY

"Did Olivia tell you about her recovery? Natalia are you even listening to me." I wave in front of her face.

"No." She starts to pick at the pasta like she has done for the last two weeks.

"What's the matter, you have been zoning in and out all day." I let my fork fall to the plate with a loud clink and sit back in my chair. "If I am boring you…"

"No, I'm sorry. It's this proposal. I can't write it and its frustrating me." Natalia takes a sip of water looking at me guiltily over the rim.

I don't know why she even bothers trying to lie to me. I know everything there is to know about her. I know how she thinks and what her next move is going to be. That's why I can always beat her in any board game, because I can navigate around her next move. As much as she has changed she's still that Natalia from a few years ago. When she's backed in a corner she hides waiting for the threat to disappear. That is exactly what is frustrating me. Instead of dealing her problem she hiding pretending everything is okay.

"So how are you and Olivia?" I still remember the day Natalia stumbled into my office hysterical over Olivia's fantasy. That little episode could have started this whole thing. I wish I could tell her about Lily but I can't.

"I don't know." She mirrors my relaxed position even though she is far from relaxed. "I guess everything is fine between us." She leans forward resting her elbows on the table. She rests her chin on her folded hands, like she creating a barrier around her body. "I've been so busy-"

More like avoiding.

"I haven't even thought about it."

"You're lying to a trained professional. You want to try again."

"No, I don't want to talk about it." She raises her hand for the check. "You're my friend not my therapist. So I would appreciate it you respected my boundaries."

I simply nod. She's right but that doesn't stop me from seeing what is happening and how blind she is to it.

I watch her fiddle around with the contents of her purse. "Stop looking at me like that."

"I'm just…looking" I shrug my shoulders taking a sip of my water nonchalantly.

Natalia's face suddenly brightens and she smiles.

I turn around expecting to see Olivia but instead it's Danny. He waves to her from the door.

"I have to go." She stands up straightening her shirt. "I'll get the next check."

"Natalia do you think this is the way to go?" I put my hand on her arms stopping her from fleeing.

"Not you too; first Blake and now you." She huffs pulling out of my grasp. "He is just an friend, am I not allowed to have friends."

"You have friends."

She frowns at me, like she trying to think of who I might be talking about.

"Excuse me." She turns and leaves.

Danny reaches his hand out to her and she takes it, looking back at with gloomy eyes.

If Olivia ever caught whiff of what is going on Danny might want to run for the hill before he end up in a grave beside her former rivals.

But not this Olivia. This Olivia has become a doormat patiently waiting. This Olivia and Natalia are never going to find what they lost for whatever reason.

NATALIA

"Hey. I thought we could go out tonight for milkshakes like we used to and I promise to have you home by 8." Danny flashes his signature smile, the smile that used to make my knees weak.

"I can't. Olivia is cooking. I promised to be home by 6."

"I thought you said she wasn't a good cook." He cocks his head to the side studying me.

I wonder if I look old to him, or just older. Self consciously I relax my face, just in case there are wrinkles. "She has her strong suits."

"Well if we leave now I'll drop you off myself safe and sound." I try to protest again but he cuts me off. "I promise not to let you spoil your appetite."

We sit in the booth across from each other. I look down at my watch for the hundredth time. It's 7 o'clock.

The hours have passed and they haven't been the fastest hours of my life. I wish they were, that way I wouldn't feel so guilty for purposely missing dinner.

Besides that Emma is with my mother and Rafe is sleeping over at Lindsey's with Brittany. All I have to do is go home and do nothing. There will be nothing for me to excuse myself away from her. We won't have any spying little ears. I just really don't want to go home.

There is too much swept under the rug, too much emotion to push out without fighting and I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to feel her looking at me while I pretend to sleep. I don't want her reaching for me in her sleep and I don't want to hold her while she runs from her demons in her sleep.

But I do. I love to hold Olivia whether she knows it or not, I can't help myself. Hours upon hours I keep my eyes closed until I hear her breathing even out and still I hold out until there is no way she can still be awake in the morning hours.

Some nights I can't wait, I slip out of bed even when I know she is still awake. I can't lie next to her and not want to hold her or snuggle beside and pretend like everything is okay. So I get up and do something, anything. Last night I got up and polished the entire collection of silver in the house. I finished around 3 this morning and when I got up stair there she was struggling in the covers. She had tangled herself in them.

I couldn't, can't leave her to suffer that much. I got into our bed and wrapped her in my arms and she calmed immediately. She sighed contently curling herself in my arms and I laid there talking to her until the sun began to rise.

It feels good to have a moment of peace, a moment of just us without a hundred different problems pulling us in a hundred different directions. I loved her with everything I had but I had to let go. I had to. So before she wakes up I leave. I gather the kids and everything I need for the day and leave her to wake up alone, because I'm a coward.

"Earth to Nat." Danny waves his spoon in my face.

"Sorry." I try to laugh it off but the feeling of holding Olivia warms my body to the point I wish I had finished my shake.

"No it's okay." Danny smacks his lip sitting back in his seat. "I'm worried about you. Ever since she came back you've been spaced out, really quiet."

"I know there are just so many things going on its hard to concentrate."

"Like I said its okay, but I want you to know you always have a friend in me. No matter what happens. If you need shoulder to lean on or a friend to bar hop with, you can call me."

"I know, thank you." I try to smile because his not really my friend. Friends don't kiss. Friends don't say 'I love you' not they way he meant it. And friends don't feel torn.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He moves to my side of the table throwing his arm across the back of the booth.

I scoot over putting a little room between us. "Nothing's wrong. There are just a lot of things to talk about it's hard to know where to start."

"Start with me." Danny intertwines my hand with his on the table.

I look at our hand and I admit it feels good. With him it would be so uncomplicated. "I don't want to go home." I say bluntly. "I don't want to go home because Olivia is waiting for us to talk and I don't want to talk because I know I will agree with whatever she says and I don't want to. I don't want to forgive her so easily. I want to be mad."

"You deserve to be mad." He agrees squeezing my fingers.

"I do and I feel like every one is looking at me to just take her back and forget what happened." I look at our hands and notice the outline of my ring. I haven't worn it in weeks, no one has seemed to notice besides Blake and Rafe.
"Forgive but not forget that's what I say."

"You think I should forgive her?" I look up at him and his hazel eyes. Nicky would have loved this. He would swear Rafe was Danny's.

"No I think you should take as much time as you need to yourself. You should think about it and if you come the conclusion that things will never be how you want you shouldn't trap yourself in a dangerous relationship."

"Dangerous?" There it is again.

"Yea, you said she was unpredictable and that can turn into violence very quickly."

I pull my hand out of his, placing both in my lap. He's right. Nicky was unpredictable that's what I liked about him. Olivia is unpredictable and I like that but when does it become irresponsible and dangerous.

"The way I see it is if she is going to relapse every other year there is going to come a time when you have to think about Rafe and Emma, they aren't always going to be away. What kind of examples is she setting for them. I'll tell you, that they can do anything with no real consequences." Danny shifts closer to me. "You could have stayed with Nicky if you wanted to be abused, maybe no physically but emotional. She has you on this string."

"I don't know. I want to be with Olivia but she keeps so many secrets and then this. She scared me so much and I tried to help her." I tuck my foot under me laying my knee on his thigh. Automatically his hand rubs it but I don't think he even notices the gesture.

Still he action creates a little friction. I'm not turned on per se but I like it. "I guess I don't know what I want. I want her but I don't want this." I sigh, knowing I sound so selfish. "I don't want to be selfish but that's what I want. I want to be happy again. All we'll do is argue when I don't want to. These things will just come out of my mouth at her and I know it's to hurt her like she hurt me. But I don't want to hurt her."

"It's not selfish to think about yourself sometime. You're always taking care of other people."

"I know." It's still selfishness and that has no place in a marriage. "I know if I let her apologize I my will will break and I'll just start the cycle all over again. I think I need more time to work out what I want to say about how she made me feel."

"You know you can always stay in my guest room, it would be an honor to have you." His hand moves just an inch high.

I put my foot down. "No, I should go home. It's already dark outside."

"I'll give you a ride."

As soon as we pull up I see Olivia sitting on the porch steps sips out of a mug.

"You gonna be okay?" Danny looks out the window at Olivia.

"Yes, thank you for the ride." I step out of the car mentally preparing myself for a fight. A least she doesn't seem mad.

I stay rooted until Danny pulls off onto the main road back to town. After a few deep breaths I walk up to the steps wondering if I should sit down or keep going.

Olivia seems to be staring at something off in the distance, not really paying attention to me, so I decide to keep going.

She startles me grabbing my hand and pressing her lips to the back of it. I let my hand slip out of hers like dead weight.

I feel stuck on the steps watching her gaze onto the liquid.

A large lump forms in my throat. I was prepared for the guilt but the magnitude is not expected. I should have come home.

"I missed you tonight." She talks without looking from her cup.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't worry." She interrupts me, probably knowing I'm about to lie. "If you're still hungry there is still food on the table. After cooking I kind of lost my appetite." She stands up stretching.

I thought she was going to lead me inside but instead she leans against the post taking another sip of her drink.

I force myself to start moving again. I leave her on the porch walking through the living room and into the kitchen. The room is dim with two melted candles in the middle of the table. She even pulled out the good table cloth. It looks like she cooked a five course meal.

I look out the door that I left open wondering if she will forgive me or if I even want her to forgive me.

I'm not even hungry after those milkshakes but I want to eat the food just to try to make it up to her.

Instead I head upstairs and quickly take a shower.

Every five minutes I look at the clock wondering if I should go to her or if she will come to me. Not long after she comes in, her shoulders are lower than I have ever seen them.

She sits on her side of the bed pulling off her earrings and her watch.

We sit in silence on our side of the bed miles apart.

"I sort of knew you wouldn't show."

The accusation hurts but it only helps in building my walls back up. "I said I was sorry."

"I heard you." Her voice doesn't sound as angry as I expected, just sad.

We stay silent for more minutes.

"I don't get it." She huffs.

"Get what?" I try to keep the anger out of my voice, I don't want to fight. I thought I was ready but I'm not.

"I don't know. Do you even care that I came back?"

"What did you expect Olivia?" I stand up off the bed. "A parade, a party, or for me to be waiting by the window."

She smirks up at me. "What did I expect?" She asks herself sarcastically. "I expected to have a little support. I didn't expect you to ignore me. I did my best."

"Your best?" I have to laugh at the absurdity of the statement. "That was your best?"

"Yes I did my best Natalia." She stands up.

"You did your best to lie to me to make me feel like a fool defending you against everyone. You never once stopped and really tried your best Olivia. If you did you would have told me what the problem was so I could help. Instead you got drunk behind my back, you got high the second I was away and you slept with god knows how many women while I was worried sick looking for you!"

"Don't fucking yell at me!" There it is. "I had been doing my best, to make sure everyone was happy, to make sure I was there for you, to give you space, to give you everything you wanted." She walks to the window turning her back to it pointing accusingly at me. "You were so busy I had to do it on my own!"

"So what is it my fault you relapsed? My fault you decided to drink and get high, is that what you are saying?"

"No, but there were a lot of things going on and you were busy and you were happy."

"No, Olivia I wasn't happy!"

She snaps her head back at the revelation.

Finally something to get her attention. "And how dare you say this is my fault for not caring enough. It was all you. You put all of this in motion and now you want to skip the consequences."

"So you're punishing me."

"You're doing it to yourself." I answer back watching her pace.

"No." She shakes her head, waving me off.

"What did you want me to do Olivia, I tried."
Almost too softly she speaks. "No you didn't."

"Bullshit Olivia!" I scream my throat tightens with unleashed anger. "I don't need this tonight." I walk to the pile of clothes in corner chair. "And it's not just about me Olivia. If you really want to make thing right you need to prove you're clean, blood test, piss test any and every thing. Since I'm not trying you do something."

"Wait, that's not what I meant." She sounds desperate now, just like before.

These are the steps looking back I figured them out. I cracked the code to her mood cycles. Anger, desperation, bargaining, anger, self pity or deprecation, and back to anger.

"You said that already." I stuff my legs through my jeans. I should have just stayed at my mothers.

"Please wait, don't go!" Olivia stands in front of the door preventing me from leaving. "I'm sorry."

"No Olivia I'm not doing this with you tonight. Please move." I take a step back away from her. I swore I wouldn't fight with her and here I am letting her pull me into an argument. I'm not doing this back and forth emotion rollercoaster.

"Natalia you have to believe me."

"I can't. I can't believe a word you say or have ever said." I shake my head knowing exactly where her mind has gone. She has to know I didn't mean it like that. "You said it yourself; everything you said was a lie."

"No I didn't mean that. It the drugs talking, you were keeping them from me, but I never-"

I cut her off. I've heard this song before. "What, meant to hurt me, because you did Olivia the minute you drank, the first line you sniffed, the second you tried to fuck her."

OLIVIA

Lily.

"I could have dealt with the drinking, we could have gotten you help for the drugs but then you top it all off by sleeping with those women."

"Women? No it was one." What am I saying? "No I mean I didn't."

"Bullshit Olivia!"

Any other time Natalia cursing would have shocked me but here and now she might be right.

"You don't accidently sleep with another person, you just don't!" Natalia points at me so accusingly I feel about a foot tall. "So don't feed me anymore of your stories. Just tell me the truth."

The truth. I've been to weeks of groups and private therapy and I still haven't figured it all out. I know what people want it to be. I can almost guarantee I know what Natalia thinks it is or wants it to be.

I don't know if what happened that night would be considered sex or even cheating on Natalia. I know I stopped fighting. After that things start to blend with the events of yesteryear.

I bet Lily is laughing about it right now.

Natalia huffs impatiently bring me out of my thoughts.

"I don't know what you want me to say. What, that I wanted it, that I invited her in my bed."

"If that is the truth then yes, because I have to wonder why out of every women in the town you choose her."

I wonder the same thing except why she keeps choosing me.

"Why can't you just admit you did it?"

Because you never said no.

But I did.

NATALIA

"I'm sorry. You're right it was my fault. I'm so sorry…It. Was. My. Fault." With every word she takes a tentative step towards me. Her voice quivers until my resolve breaks.

I shake my head mostly at myself for being so weak. All she has to do is cry and I'm breaking every promise I made to myself just seconds ago. "God Olivia why do you keep doing this?"

"I'm sorry." She walks pass me taking a seat on the bed with her face covered by her hands. "That's what they told me but you're right. It was my fault and I get that now. I do." She looks up at me with clear green eyes. "I get that now."

Why do I get the feeling we are having two different conversations.

"Can you stay?" She begs. " I know I don't deserve you or a second chance but…please."

"I'm going to go downstairs and get something to drink and I'll be back."

Disbelief is written all over her face.

I walk out going down stairs. I stand in the middle of the kitchen just standing. I'm not thirsty, I'm not hungry but I needed to get away from her. I need to rebuild my wall that all the nasty words I spoke were locked away until she opened the door or I opened the door. What matters is that I lock them back away before she hears the rest of it.

I stand in the kitchen for almost 20 minutes just pacing and trying to calm myself down. It has helped a little but the thought of having to do this every night is weighing heavily on my back. I can't keep running and we can't keep insulting on another it just isn't how a marriage should work.

I get back up to our room Olivia is in the same spot on the edge of the bed crying into her hands.

She looks up at me, her eye swollen and red. "I'm sorry I really didn't-"

I hold my hand up stopping another apology. "I just want to sleep. I can't with you right now."

She nods her head crawling up the bed and under the covers fully clothed. She doesn't lay down watching me like I was going to make a break for the door as soon as she lies down.

I pull off my jeans cutting off the light and crawl under the covers on my side of the bed.

I sleep almost at the edge of the bed making sure there is no possible way we could even graze each other.

I think I laid there for an hour before I was sure she was sleep. I can't say I'm going to get much sleep. Olivia begins to move as soon as I feel the pull of sleep. Once again I pull her to me and being to talk. I say the things I can't say to her face, 'I love you'.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NATALIA

The room is still how I remember it, too much purple and pink. Oh there are the poster of some guy I can't even remember the name of.

Dad painted this room when I was 12 and it never changed it not until Rafe moved into it.

"Hey hot stuff."

"Danny?" I blink and he appears in front of me, but not the young one.

"My mom's working late you want to come over."

Before I can answer the room fades and we're there sitting on the couch, eating popcorn.

"It's my cousins, he let me see it."

The screen is zoomed in on a couple having sex. It flashes to the man thick moustache or maybe it was the woman untrimmed pubic hair.

The moans and groans of the couple sound like I'm in a tunnel.

"I need to use the rest room." I get off the couch walking down the hall. I open the rose colored door. There we are on the twin sized bed naked and sweating. I want to scream at myself, what are you doing? But I can't speak, the sight before me has stolen my voice. I shake my head blinking to clear the two phantoms.

I open my eye and Danny is on top of me. This isn't like the first time. We're both older with children and exs. And I can feel my body react to the simulation. "Yesss" I found my voice!

"I love you Nat." I can feel soft, too soft lips on my neck.

"Danny." I feel my body flowing. I can feel it coming, something inside of me."Danny!"

I feel my lips moving before I bolt straight up in bed.

Oh my god did I say his name out loud. Hesitantly I look over at Olivia who has a small frown on her face. "Someone was having a good dream."

I try to force a laugh but it sound like a choked cough. My heart is beating too hard, it bound to leap out of its confinement. I clutch at my night shirt, trying to breathe normally.

"Yea something like that." I don't look at her but I hear it in my voice. The need for release.

"What was it?"

I hesitate. I can't tell the truth. "Us." I stare at her to see if she believes me.

She smiles and her eyes glaze over. She pushes my back rolling on top of me. Her hand finds its way between my legs. I realized I'm already wet, can't be from the dream.

"Must have been a good dream." She whispers into my ear before descending down my body.

I don't want to have sex with her. We just fought and now were having sex. It isn't right and my body knows it.

"Olivia, wait." I push her shoulders from in between my legs. She's been doing her best for the last almost 10 minutes trying to bring me to release.

"What's wrong?" She unceremoniously wipes her mouth with her hand.

"I can't. It's not you." I cover before she can offer any suggestion. "It's me I can't concentrate."

I can see the disappointment in her eyes, the questions that circulate as to why she couldn't bring me to orgasm.

It's not her it's me. I can't stop thinking about Danny and what he said to me earlier. Every time I close my eyes I see something appear, an image, but it's not clear. And I think it might be him. And I don't want it to be him. If I came with Olivia thinking about him, it's just like cheating. And it would be worse because it's right in Olivia's face. No pun intended. What kind of person would that make me?

Every time I come close I pull back and not matter how long Olivia stays down there she wouldn't be able to accomplish her goal because I can't do that to her.

"Maybe I can persuade you otherwise." Those luscious lips I've worshiped so many times before latches onto my nipple. But it no use the mood has left me and I can't stand thinking about Danny anymore with Olivia beside me.

"Baby as good as that feels, I'm really not in the mood."

She releases my breast rolling onto her back beside me. "What if… okay. I know we haven't been intimate in a while mainly because of me and I want to thank you for being so patient." Olivia turns towards me running her finger down the valley of my breast. "I truly want to thank you. I love you and I want you to know that I'm ready now, ready to be with you like you want, when you're ready."

I feel like crying now. I'm her wife and I can't even get through sex without thinking about Danny. Just the thought of Olivia touching me used to send my body reeling. I used to be able to come just by her kisses and words. "I'm going to take a shower." I get off the bed.

She catches my hand. "I love you."

I literally bit my tongue to keep from blurting my thoughts. I can't even look at her. I give her hand a light squeeze before retreating to the bathroom.

I lock the door so she can't join me. I need to cry by myself, to think things out. As soon as I step into the warm spray I release the tears of betrayal.

OLIVIA

I wake up in the morning and surprisingly Natalia is still there, which has to be a good sign. Maybe it was good that we screamed at each other three days ago, just to get some things in the open that otherwise would still be cutting us up inside.

We haven't talked yet but a week ago I would wake up to an empty bed but now she's here and that is the first step to anything, being there.

I finally have solid plan to get us to open up to each other. It is almost air tight. Tonight and tomorrow night is family night at my recovery group.

It's not much but it is a chance for the family members to gather and discuss their feelings.

Tessa, the counselor said it's good for them to know that they aren't alone and that others have made it through.

I think Rafe and Emma are a little too young but Natalia would benefit from the group therapy. If she can't talk to me alone we can do it in a group.

Group is a strange thing. I've never been stage shy but being in group has developed a nasty habit of talking to complete strangers about my personal life.

It's weird but I'm kind of excited. I have it all planned out, this morning I'm cooking breakfast for everyone; got the eggs whipped, beacon sizzling, sausage on the griddle and waffles in the toaster. We'll sit down as a family for breakfast and finally talk. Then I take Natalia on a special dinner, spend some alone time before we go to the meeting. Then hopefully everything will be put on the table and thing can move forward.

I've missed so much.

I miss having Rafe with me in the morning to help with breakfast, I miss giving Emma piggy back rides and I miss my wife.

I hear them coming down the stairs.

Okay show time.

I already have their plates sitting on the table with fresh squeezed orange juice.

"Ta daaaa." I stand beside the table very proud of myself.

"Mhmm, beacon." Emma skips to her seat instantly pouring gobs of syrup on her pancakes.

"Well come on before the eggs get cold." I turn back to the rest of my family who look less than enthused. It is only then that I realized they are all dress and Natalia has her purse hanging off her shoulder.

Rafe shakes his head, begrudgedly shuffling to his seat.

"What?" I ask Natalia who slowly makes her way into the kitchen. "What am I missing?"

"It's nothing." She says sitting down looking over her plate detached.

I know Rafe will tell me. I sit down at my end. "Hey, superman." I reach out to touch his head but she ducks my hand. It's nothing to panic about yet.

"Don't call me that. I'm not a baby." He pushes the food around the plate seemingly staring through it.

"A baby?" I look at Natalia who shrugs her shoulders. "Okay then talk to me and tell me what's up."

He pushes his plate out from in front of him. "Danny was supposed to take us to Uncle Flappy's."

"The place with the big pancakes? We've been there a thousand times."
He shrugs his shoulders sitting back in his chair with his arms folded.

"Well how about tomorrow we all go, I guess we can invite Danny to tag along." I try to raise his spirits. Rafe hates that place anyway. Says their pancakes taste like buttered toast.

"No thanks."

Again I look at my wife for support, but nothing. "Well maybe we could go for lunch."

"May I be excused?" He looks at Natalia intentionally ignoring me.

I look at her too to see what she will say or do if anything, lord knows I can't get her to. "Actually Rafe I went through a lot of trouble to make-"

"Sure, make sure you get your bag." Natalia cuts me off.

Rafe jumps up walking out of the kitchen.

"Wow…is that how it's going to be from now on." Such a good day ruined so early.

"Not now Olivia. We have to get going. I'm dropping the kids off at mothers." She dismisses me dropping her fork with a loud clink.

"Your mothers. I thought we agreed they could stay with me today."

"She called while you were out yesterday and wanted to know if she could take them to the zoo today. They are having a free day for grandparents and children." She smiles but not at me, at Emma who is munching like she hasn't eaten in days.

Okay just a minor set back. I mean how often is it that they have a free day, except every third Wednesday of every month.

I take a deep breathe calming myself. There are other things that we need to discuss before she leaves.

"Natalia I wanted to ask you something." God I can feel my heart going 12 rounds with my ribcage. "I mentioned it a couple of days ago if you remember. It's kind of important, not really but I wanted to, I mean it is impor-"

"Olivia, what?" She smiles a beautiful but tired smile. She always does when I babble.

"Tonight at my meeting." I think I'm more nervous than when I proposed. "We're having family night."

Her face drops immediately; her mouth opens to say something I know I'm not going to want to hear.

"It's just I know you probably don't want Rafe and Emma to go but," I look down at my cold eggs and the place where my beacon would have been if Emma hadn't stole it. "I was hoping you could still come. I was thinking…we could drop the kids off at your mothers. They're going be with her anyway. I wanted to surprise you with dinner before we go."

Natalia bites her lip staring at the wall behind me.

"Or not. We don't have to do dinner I know your busy. I really want you it experience what we do and maybe we could talk. I mean I really think this will be very beneficial." I stop catching my breath.

"It's just…" She starts before taking a sip of her orange juice. I hope she says something about how fresh it taste but she gulps it down before starting again. "Um I promised Rafe that I would go to the movies with him tonight. There's this baseball movies and you know he is in to baseball right now." She takes Rafe's glass of juice.

I hate baseball but if we can do it as a family. "Oh, okay. What time does it start I'll meet you there."

She almost chokes on her second glass of juice. "Well it starts at 7."

"What?" I ask. Does she not what me there that bad? Then it hits me. "With Danny."

"Danny played baseball in college." She says like that is supposed to explain everything. "I'm sure he would love for you to come. If you don't mind missing your meeting."

Rafe runs back in the kitchen with his backpack slung over his shoulders.

"We better get going."

"You barely touched anything." I stand as she gets up and I feel like stopping her physically.

"I'm not as hungry as I thought." She gets up taking her and Rafe plate to the trash can and raking them clean.

All my hard work in the trash kind of like my life.

"Come one guys we need to get going."

I follow them to the door. "Before you make any other plan tomorrow night is also family night."

"I'll try."

"Um okay." I try so hard to keep the disappointment and defeat out of my features. I'm losing and I feel it. I just can't do anything about it. I feel helpless; it's the one thing cocaine always helped me with. It's also the reason I feel this way.

"So how has the day been?"

"Just excellent, first I woke up with a huge headache, breakfast was a disaster then I broke my heel running up a flight of stair because I still can't be in closed spaces with other people, then I fell asleep missing the video meeting I made mandatory for my managers."

"So the norm?"

"Funny." I roll my eyes at John.

"It is because every time I ask you that you talk about work, by now you should know what I mean."

"I do, but I wanted to start off with the good part of my day."

"That bad?"

"Worse we fought after out last session."

"Fighting is good sometimes."

"I guess it was kind of good for us. At least we came to an understanding."

"Before you give me your conclusion, tell me what happen from the beginning."

"Okay I told you that I was going to cook dinner that night. You told me to make my intention clear so I told her we were going to have dinner and talk. She showed up two hours late with him."

"Danny I suppose."

"Correct."

"Did that hurt?"

"So much I can't even explain it accurately." I pat my chest keeping my heart at bay.

"What happened next?"

"We got into an argument. Somehow she said I was blaming everything on her, but I wasn't trying to. I was just saying that, everything was moving so fast and I didn't want to bother her with my problems. I thought she was happy."

"Was she?"

"She said she wasn't." Those words really stung. Even when I was trying my hardest I failed her.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I can't stop thinking about it." I scoot to the edge of the couch. "It's a major let down, that even when I was trying my best I still couldn't keep her happy. When I thought I was giving her everything I could, everything she wanted and it turns out it still wasn't enough. Now all these thoughts are going through my mind, like why did she stay, was she ever happy with me, and the one that hurts the most is I made a promise that I thought I was keeping up until now."

"What was that promise?"

"To make her happy, I wonder if it was a lie the whole time."

"That line of thinking is a slippery slope to defeat."

"Well you're the one who suggest dinner."

"You might want to consider she said those things out of anger or spite."

"We did come to one conclusion."

"What was that?"

"That this was all my fault."

"Okay stop right there." John's voice booms through the office almost scaring me.

"No I want you to listen. She said that this was my all my fault and those were her exact words."
"Olivia."

"No I realized what everyone has been telling me was a lie. I mean I realize some things are out of our control but I know that I can get over this faster if I could just take responsibility for some of those things."

"It wasn't you fault." He counters like everyone else does.

"It was. I think about all the workouts I missed. If I had been stronger, faster or anything. If I hadn't have been drinking I might have won. If I hadn't said yes, then no. If I hadn't have went to that party she would have never had the chance."

"So all you think about is what if?"

"Yes I think about it all the time. So I think it's about time I took a little responsibility in my life for a change. I've always had Rodney or Doris telling me it wasn't my fault."

"Let me say something, did you ever stop to think she just meant your drinking problem, that maybe if you had told her what happened between you and Lily that she might take a different stance on your situation."

"I was going to tell her, I was. It's just when she didn't show up I got worried. Then I called Lindsey who told me Natalia had left with Danny then I got mad."

"What did she say?"

"She said she didn't want to fight but we did. She started saying all these things like I said. It was my fault that I was just trying to avoid the consequences. She asked me why I kept doing this to hurt her." I tilt my head back willing the tears to seep back behind my eyes.

"Your problem again seems to be communication. I bet you two were having two different conversations; while yours included everything hers only included her suspicions. Now do you think that's fair?"

MISSING THE MEETING

I'm so nervous, jittery even. I don't know why.

As usual I'm one of the last persons to show up. I get there earlier like a ritual I have to sit in the car and debate going in. But it's still earlier. It's only 5:40 and the meeting doesn't start till 6.

There aren't that many people here. Maybe they were all here last night, which I skipped since I wouldn't have any family to show up. That would be too much like being the only one without a date.

I walk to the refreshment table looking at the selection. They look good. I haven't been able to eat anything today from being so nervous.

I think I had reason.

Natalia was gone by the time I got up and I haven't been able to reach her all day to remind her of the meeting, but I know she won't stand me up, not for this. I told her how important this was for me, for us. Granted it was in a text but that was because she wasn't answering her phone.

She'll be here, she said she would.

"Hi."

I turn around to see a younger woman beside me with black hair and blond roots and piercing green eyes.

"Hi."

She holds out her hand. "I'm Linda, Chloe's partner." She looks just the way Chloe described; petit, high cheek bones and gorgeous.

Chloe is a group member with a heroin addiction which she says arose after she was molested by her step brother at the young age of 12. Her story made me cry for her, all the shit she went through and still made it out with the help of this woman.

"Olivia." I shake her hand.

"I know. I get jealous of how much she talks about you." She laughs reminding me of how Natalia's used to laugh, happy. "I was hoping to meet your wife, maybe we could all get a late dinner."

"Natalia, she's running late." I hope.

"Oh I can just imagine how busy you two must be."

"Yea but she's on her way. I'll be sure to introduce you two." I say mostly for myself. I know she will be here, I know it.

"Okay ladies and gentlemen, the meeting is officially about to start. If everyone could turn their phones off or on silent it would be much appreciated." Tessa announces over the mic.

Reluctantly I turn my phone on vibrate. I need it to be on when Natalia calls, or if something has happened.

"I know everyone has been waiting to get a sample of the platters so dig in and really get to know each other, exchange numbers. This is your support system. And it is not just for our members but our loved ones too. Take about 10 minutes to get around then we'll start our circle." Tessa moderates the meetings. Even on the outside I bet everyone knows she is a counselor or art teacher. She's so out going and vibrant. She's the kind of person who wears tie dye and prays to mother earth. Everyone would think she did weed but not anything hard and the abuse she has been through I've wondered to myself how she came out of the other side so perky.

Tessa walks up hugging me without a second thought. No matter how many times I tell her about my space policy she still invades it.

"Ah, Olivia. Where is that lovely woman of yours you are always talking about?" she pulls back arms length.

"She's running late but she'll be here." I try to smile at her so she'll go to the next person.

"I hope so, you are worth it after all."

I wish someone would tell Natalia.

"Let me know when she gets here." Tessa hugs me one more time before gliding off to the next person.

My phone starts to vibrate. I know it's her before I even look and for one reason or another I don't want to answer it. I think I would rather her not call. That way I can still hope all the way up until the meeting's end.

I pull the phone out of my pocket ducking into a quiet corner. "I'm glad you called I was starting to worry, are you okay?"

"Olivia…" I hear her sigh, I can only imagine her fidgeting and her forehead wrinkling trying to force herself to speak. "I'm sorry."

I feel my heart tighten even more at the words. Suddenly I feel like people are staring at me. It's like our conversation is being broadcast for everyone to hear.

"One second babe, I can't hear you." I lie needing to get to some fresh air before I hear any more. I don't want people to know how much of a mess I've made of my life. After all I'm in a room full of people that were in the same place I was and somehow they have it better.

I step outside taking a deep breathe before pulling the phone back up to my ear. I've played nice for most of this time but I need her here with me tonight, I want to turn in my guilt card.

"Hey babe. You're still coming right?" I stop myself from saying more. Just to humiliate myself would be unintelligent even if to my own wife. She doesn't care so why should I try to make her.

"I'm so sorry Olivia. Something came up and I can't make it tonight." She pauses.

I feel like I'm supposed to say something but I can't figure out what it is. I'm I supposed to excuse her or say that it's okay. It's not.

"I'll make sure to make it to the next night."

I blink back the tears staring at the dark but clear sky. Showing my weakness is what got me here in the first place. I have to learn to guard myself against these moments especially since it seems like more of them are to come. Natalia just needs more time to come around. "You know what don't worry. I didn't really want to go either. But I'll see you at home."

"I'm really sorry…bye."

"Love you." I try to rush out but she has already hung up.

"Was that Natalia?"

I jump at Tessa's voice. "You scared the shit out of me." I clutch the phone to my chest. "Something came up at her work so she won't be able to make. I think I'm going to go home and wait for her."

"I would rather you stayed."

I would rather jump off a building. "Don't worry, I'll be here tomorrow." I smile at her. If it's one thing about her that I like it is that she shows worry like Natalia. I can read every thought going through her head.

"Promise me."

"I promise not to relapse or take any drastic measures tonight before calling you first. I'm not going to kill myself." I know that's what she thinks. I almost want to laugh. It's not like the thought hasn't crossed my mind in last month or two.

After all I never tell anyone about my incidents and if it came out, I always say it was an accident. They usually believe me, why would a rich person end it all and leave all that money behind.

"She'll come around, it takes time."

I've been telling myself that it is not help any more. Time is something we don't always have. The time it takes something to heal is more time that it takes for it to die.

"I'm going to get going."

Just as I make it down the stone steps as a car pulls up with it high beams on.

Tessa comes to stand beside me. "Who could that be?'

"I don't know."

The car parks and Rodney and Johnny jump out of the back seat yelling at each other.

"You little flunky you say one more thing about my mother I swear." Rodney yells pointing over the top of the car.

"You ain't gonna do shit."

Doris slowly gets out of the passenger side of the car. "Both of you shush. I'm tired of your voices already."

Jessie gets out of the driver side shaking his head.

"Do you know them?" Tessa lean in.

"Unfortunately yes." I try to stop a smile from forming on my lips. I want to be mad and depressed but it's hard with friends like them.

"So you just weren't going to tell us about family night." Jessie pulls me into a bear hug not letting me answer. He lets go straightening my shirt.

I haven't seen Jessie in months.

"I um…" I'm at a loss.

"Don't worry we'll let it slide this time." Doris takes my hand intertwining her fingers with mine. "I know we're late but the three wise men are directionally challenged."

"Thank you." I squeeze her hand trying to keep my emotions in check. I have no ideal what I did to deserve a friend like her.

"Where else would I be?" She wraps her arm around my waist guiding me back towards the building. "I'm proud of you." She whispers in my ear.

Those few words are enough to make me feel like I can do this. I can get through this and come out the other side a better Olivia.

==== I'm not happy, she's not happy, no one is.

NATALIA

This office is starting to feel like my new home. I readjust the pictures on my desk one more time.

One is our wedding photo and the other is of Emma and Rafe on the playground.

God just to go back to that scene would be heaven sent.

But that is a distant dream.

Someone knocks on my door pulling me from my daydream.

"Come in."

Father Ray comes in leaning against the door. "Why are you still here?'

"Just finishing up some paper work."

"Lying to a holy man, strike one."

"Olivia is watching Emma and Rafe is sleeping at Lindsey's."

"So you're running away from being alone with Olivia."

"Kind of." While we have been able to be in the house together without arguing or even talking I think we are still ways away from having long pleasant conversations especially after I missed her meeting.

"Can I suggest something?'

"Why not everyone else is." I lean back in my chair.

"I'll make it quick. Instead of running you should try to be there. You don't have to talk or forgive just yet but be there and get used to being around each other."

"We can't just sit, we end up arguing."

"Just be there Natalia. Go home and sit down and be there."

"And just forgive her."

"No but be there. I want you to put your pride aside this week and try to live in the moment."

"Just be there." I say the words and for some strange reason they seem perfect. Just be there.

"Good now pack your things and go home. We can handle it from here."

When I get home Emma and Olivia are on the couch watching a movie with a big bowl of popcorn sitting on the table.

I take a deep breath at the door readying myself to ….just be here.

"What are you guys watching?" I plop down on the couch beside Emma grabbing a handful of popcorn.

Olivia looks at me hesitantly stumbling over her words. "Prin…Princess Emily."

"Sounds good." I dig back into the popcorn bowl sitting back and watching the movie.

When the movie ends Emma is sleeping across both our laps.

Olivia switches off the movie turning on the news and a thousand thoughts are running through my mind.

I miss movie night and most of all I miss being close to my wife.

I keep my eyes on the screen not really hearing what they are discussing.

My next move is critical. Olivia is sitting stiffly beside me. I know she is waiting for me to make a move because every move she made I've rebuffed so it's up to me to get us on track.

But if she rejected me it would kill me.

As casual as possible I take Olivia's hand and just hold it on top of Emma's back.

She squeezes in response and we just sit there.

We stay that way until the news ends.

"I guess we should get this little one to bed." Reluctantly I pull my hand out of Olivia's scooping Emma into my arms.

"I guess so."

By the time I finish tucking Emma in and make it to our room Olivia is already dressed and in our bed.

Instead of going in the bathroom like I usually do I strip down in front of Olivia finding my pajamas.

The feeling of being naked in front of her is almost overwhelming. Her eyes follow me around the room.

"How was your day?"

The want in her eyes is unmistakable but they are also filled with confusion and fear. "It was okay, had a lot of meetings and the usual paperwork."

"Me too." I slide my pajamas pants up watching Olivia try to look uninterested. "I thought since tomorrow is Saturday we could sleep in and go for a movie or something."

"Yea?" Hope is laced so thick in her voice.

"It could be fun."

"Um sure. That would be great."

"Okay." I slide under the covers turning off my lamp. Olivia does the same. We lay in total darkness.

A few minutes pass and I'm nowhere near sleep. This new found energy is flowing through me. This could actually work. If I just put all my energy into pretending everything is okay maybe one day I will actually believe it.

Olivia flips over beside me again.

"Are you okay?" I scoot closer to her. If she is sleep I can just hold her and talk to her to calm her down. If not, I'll just be here.

"Yes."

So she is awake.

I take a chance scooting up behind her. "Is this okay?"

Her voice comes out shaky. "Yes."

I venture out a little more. "What about this?" Cautiously I snake my arm around her mid section letting my finger graze the unprotected area where her sweatshirt and sweatpants don't meet.

I hear her breathe hitch which could be good or bad.

"Yes." Olivia closes the few inches between us scooting back until we are spooning.

Her breathing evens out after only a few minutes.

I don't know why I haven't tried this earlier. I feel a little more as ease I think Olivia definitely noticed the change. If I can keep this up maybe we could cruise until we can calmly talk about what happen or until Olivia decides to tell me the truth.

Olivia isn't exactly the most forth coming person with the truth and that's what kills me every minute of every day.

It's the fifth night in a row I've come home early, had dinner with my family and gotten ready with Olivia for bed. I can't believe we've made it this far.

The road a head of us is a steep mountain side but this week has been great.

We haven't argued all week although we've hardly talked, but we have been spending more time together. The time we have spent has been so close to what we had. I got home before she went to bed we laid there in our own thoughts and out of no where she rolled over and wrapped herself around me.

It's been ages since she initiated any contact. I thought I was dreaming for a second until I felt her hand on my hip. I couldn't help myself I kissed her and she kissed me back. It turned into a very heat make out session which only left me wanting more but I settled for that.

But she kissed me and we slept peacefully through the whole night, no nightmares.

When I woke up she was still wrapped around me with her head on my shoulder. And I didn't leave. I stayed until she was awake and the smile on her face could have lit the whole house. That's what I want to see. I want to see her happy. I want to make her happy. In return is might rub off on me.

But I know this can't last. One day we will have to talk, one day the lava bubbling underneath the surface will over flow and burn us both to the core.

We can't keep avoiding the elephant in the room and hope for the best.

If I could just put into words how I feel and how she made me feel I could talk to her but I can't. Thinking about it just brings anger and resentment and I can't think rationally. All I want is to make her feel how I felt. I want something to hurt as much as I do. Those times I need to be by myself because I know I will say something that could break us into pieces that can't be put back to together so I hold my tongue. I smile when I'm supposed to and I walk away from her when I can't see past my own pain.

That is why this week has been much needed. We both need a break from our problem and time just to pretend we are still the happy couple on the dvd I watch everyday.

Tonight I decide to take our playful touching a little father. The way she still responds to my touch…it's something about it that just lets me know she still wants me no matter how many women she was with. These are the only times everything feels like it was.

I take a bolder step pulling Olivia into my body.

"Is this okay?"

Olivia nods her head.

I think she's too turned on to talk.

I sweep her hair from her shoulder onto the pillow beneath us, placing a single kiss on the column of her neck. "Is that okay?"

"Yes." Her hand finds mine squeezing it.

"What about this?" I place a trail of kisses on the neck. My hand sneaks up her long sleeved shirt stopping just at the base of her breast. I smooth my thumb over the smooth skin.

Olivia arches her back her breathing coming faster.

I take that as a sign to move higher so I do. I palm her breast squeezing it in the time with her swaying hips.

I feel the moan before I hear it and I'll be damn if that sound and feeling alone doesn't have me on the edge of bliss.

Even if I don't know how far we will make it or if we should even keep trying but I know I want her.

It makes me feel like an asshole because at this moment in time all I want is sex.

I just want to have sex with her because I want to. It has been so long since we done anything, since I've done anything. The whole time she was gone I never even touched myself.

I know I promised her I would never use her. I promised sex would always be an expression of our love not need. But things have changed, she changed and I changed and all I want is to fill her and feel her around me. I can't promise her anything but that.

Olivia pushes her butt into my stomach provoking me further.

Without hesitation I roll Olivia onto her back, my hand still working under her shirt. "I need you."

Olivia sits up before I can get on top of her but she smiles at me.

She pushes me back to a sitting position straddling my hips. In one swift move her shirt is gone.

"Good God baby." I run my hands up and down her sides just feel her soft skin. While looking her in her eyes I take one tight bud in my mouth bathing it with my tongue.

Her hands tangle in my hair pulling me closer.

My hands circle her waist sliding down the back of her pants. I squeeze the firm globes pulling her closer.

I can already feel the heat from her centre, that's where I want to be.

"God Natalia." Olivia starts to rock with me.

I wrap my free arm around her waist rolling us over situating myself between her legs.

I hold myself up focusing on undoing the string of her sweats. I know I'm in too much of a rush but I want her so bad it hurts.

Before I can get it undone Olivia's hands cover mine. "Wait."

"What's wrong?" I must be panting because I can't catch my breath. So close.

"I…" Olivia begins to stutter, looking very unsure of where to settle her eyes.

"Do you not want to?" I rise up to my hands and knees.

"No I do. I just…" She clears her throat. "I do. I want you." She pulls me back down. "I want only you."

Only me! I lean down kissing her down her jaw and neck. I restart my menstruation on her breast and like a charm it works. She begins to moan and arch into my hand.

Her hands clutch at my hips pushing and pulling, with the rise and fall of her body.

I push her hips down with mine until I elicit a moan from her.

I slide my hand underneath the barriers between us, cupping the source of her need.

I feel Olivia tense under me.

"It's okay." I try coaxing her to relax.

Olivia spreads her legs wider.

I flex my hand over her sex feeling the fluid leak onto my hand.

Olivia moves her hands up to my shoulders while I press. I engage her lips with mine dueling with her tongue.

I open her body with my fingers caressing her bundle.

"You don't know how much I've missed this." I have to have her.

Olivia looks up at me her eye brows knitted together, her bottom lip secured tightly between her teeth.

I let my finger dip into her entrance and everything changes.

Olivia quickly covers my hand squeezing until the pain radiates up my wrist. Her other hands pushes at my shoulders. "Stop please. Stop!"

I pull my pained hand out of hers sitting back away from her.

Olivia scoots back in the opposite direction curling against the headboard pulling the covers up over her chest. Her breathing is sped up so fast I'm sure she'll pass out if she does slow it down.

"I'm sorry." She whispers laying her forehead on her knees.

I'm not sure if I should back off or try to comfort her. So I decide to stay where I am and wait for a sign.
This summer has thrown us off. I used to be able to read her so well. Now all I do is doubt myself. I doubt that what I know to do is the right thing to do and I'm so tired of feeling that way.

Stop thinking so much.

I crawl up the bed at the same time pulling Olivia out of her cocoon. "Come here."

Hesitantly Olivia unfolds herself. I lay down pulling her on top of me. I rub circles on her back as she cries soaking my shoulder.

I hear her mumble into my shoulder barely making out what she says. "Make it go away."

I hold her tighter to me hoping she will continue to talk. "Make what go away?"

"The pain."

I can feel the hurt just from her voice.

"What pain?"

"MOMMY, MOMMY help!" Emma bangs on the door.

"You better get that." Olivia slides off my body and under the covers.

"MOMMY!"

"Here I come baby." I slide off the bed opening the door. All I see is a blur as Emma runs and jumps in our bed. She curls up in Olivia's lap pointing down the hall way. "He's in there go get him. He got Patsy."

"Who baby?" I rub my forehead feeling a migraine coming on.

"The monster, get him please!" Emma curls into Olivia mumbling the rest of her words.

"Okay I'm going."

Olivia manages to smirk as she comforts Emma. "You heard her go get him."

I feel silly creeping down our hallway. I enter Emma's room sitting on the bed with her doll near my feet half way under the bed. I pull her up next to me.

I bite my lip to keep from crying in frustration. I could actually kill someone with the pent up anger but the demons I need to slay are out of my control.

I don't even know who or what they are because my own wife doesn't trust me enough to tell me her fears.

What a mess we've made. It has to get better and tonight was almost proof of that.

I trudge back down the hallway with Patsy in my hand.

"He's gone now baby girl." I close the door behind me. Its obvious Emma isn't going anywhere. Her and Olivia are under the covers curled up together.

I tuck Patsy in Emma's arms

She looks up at me with big brown eyes. "Can you make the monsters go away forever?"

I direct my answer at Olivia who has the same questioning look in her green eyes. "I'm trying."

Olivia closes her eyes as I slip into bed with them. I intertwine my hand with Olivia's on top of Emma.

I bring Olivia's hand up to my lips kissing her ring. "I'm trying."

She squeezes my hand in response.

RAFE

I can't wait until Brittany comes, I don't wanna be here by myself. I don't wanna be here at all. I wish everyone would go back to where they came from and I can live with Brittany. This place is stupid.

"Are you ready to go to Brittany's?" Ma walks into the kitchen.

I think I hate her most of all. Always trying to act like everything is okay when its not. If only she could see how stupid she looks to people. I don't care what anyone says she's a liar. "Been ready."

"What's wrong?" She leans up against the counter.

"Nothing, just ready to go." I keep looking out the window just hoping to see Jaime's car coming up the road. I'll meet them there so she won't come in and I have to spend one more second in this house.

"You know you could be a little nicer. It is a school night."

"Thank you for letting me sleep over at Brittany's, is that good enough?"

"No it's not," She crosses her arm like that's supposed to scare me. "Your attitude is the problem."

"Don't have one."

"Yes you do and I want you to fix it."

"What, like she fixes everything?" I cross my arms to turning to her. "Like she fixed Dad?"

"Excuse me?" She stands up straight, looking hurt.

I shrug. "If I don't fix it will she kill me too?"

"Rafe that's not funny." She looks mad now. It doesn't mater she won't do anything to me.

If she tries to ground me I'll just sneak out the window. "I know." I turn back to the window.

"Why would you say that? You know I would never hurt you." She reaches out to touch me, I step back.

I'm almost taller that she is and pretty soon my facial hair will come in. I swear as soon as I get my fake id I'm out of here. They can both go fuck themselves. I'm taking Brittany with me too.

"She thinks I'm so stupid."

"Of course not!"

"Yes you do! You think I don't know what's going on. You think I don't know what was going on then? " I hop onto the counter top just swinging my feet. I know it irritates her for me to act so nonchalant about serious things. "Trust me I know everything."

"No matter what you've heard you don't know."

"I know everything …that fact that you would stay with that bitc-" Her hand comes fast but I'm faster. I catch her wrist before she connects. We stare at each other. The look on her face is priceless. I let her arm go and jump down. All I can do is shake my head at her.

"Watch your mouth, I'm still your mother!"

Olivia walks into the kitchen smiling. What I wouldn't do to wipe that smile off her face. She stops looking between us.

"Rafe!" I look out the window and Brittany is with Lindsey's assistant parked outside.

I turn back to Ma and whisper. "I'm sorry. I love you." I hug her.

"I love you too Rafe."

I pick up my bag slinging it over my shoulder. I walk to Olivia stopping just inches from her.

She looks kind of scared, unsure of what I'm going to do. I feel good about it. "I hate you." I whisper. She instantly frowns at me like I'm speaking a foreign language.

When I turn to walk away she grabs the strap of my bag, whispering in my ear. "You don't wanna play this game with me Rafe. I won't be disrespected by you or anyone else in my own house." She smoothes my shirt collar letting my bag go. "Now tell you're mother you love her and don't ever talk to me that way again or it will be me and you and I don't play fair." She turns back to Ma smiling like she didn't just threaten me.

"I love you Ma."

I walk out of the door leaving Olivia still standing there.

"Rafe wait!" Ma catches me as I put my bag in the trunk. "What was that?"

"Nothing," I hug her that always makes her go away. "I just want you to be happy. Olivia's not going to do it."

"Rafe how can you say that?"

"Ma just admit it, you had a good run. She's not who she used to be. She doesn't care about you or me, not the way…" I look up at Olivia who is standing in the door way.

"Not the way what?"

"Not the way Danny does. Look I've talked to him and he's on my side. If you just gave him a chance."

"Olivia does loves you, there's just been a lot going on."

"Does she? Can you really think about it and say she loves you more that he does, or that you still love her." I open the door to the car leaning against it. "Ma just think. You're holding on to a dream." I get in the car shutting the door.

We pull off and Ma is still standing there.

"What was that about?" Brittany scoots closer to me in the back seat.

I hold her hand down between us so our driver won't snitch. "I just told her how I feel."

"How do you feel?" She always asking questions, in school, life, or church, she just had to know it all.

"I'll tell you later."

Of course Jaime is at home when we get there. She won't leave us alone afraid I'll knock Brittany up. She's wrong, I'm never having kids. I swear, they don't need to know how fucked up life can be.

"Hi, Jaime."

"How are you Raphael?" She smiles at me but I know she hates me.

"I'm good. My Ma says hi." I follow Brittany upstairs.

"Leave the door open!"

"We will Jaime!" Brittany screams. She runs into her room jumping on the bed.

I put my bag down by the door leaning against it.

"So tell me what you said!" She lays down pulling a pillow under her chin staring at me. "Well?"

"I told Olivia I hate her."

"Rafe!"

"What you asked and that's what I did. I said it straight to her face."

Brittany doesn't look too impressed. She's always talking about how I'm a mama's boy, she should be glad I'm not anymore.

"What did she say?"

"Nothing, she didn't do or say anything." I get down on all fours crawling to the edge of her bed meeting Brittany face to face. "I told Ma she should leave her for Danny."

"Rafe you shouldn't have said that!"

"Why not? You heard what Daisy said."

"Daisy's a bitch, what does she know?"

"What do you know?" I snap back at her. "Don't put this on me, its all Olivia's fault."

"The book said that drug addiction-"

"I don't give a fuck what the book said. What I care about is my Ma. I'm not going to let Olivia get away with this shit." I crawl onto the bed lying beside Brittany.

"What if what Daisy said wasn't true? She was ease dropping on someone who probably didn't have the whole story either."

"Brittany even you heard Lindsey say Olivia was on drugs and drinking at my party!"

"Yea but-"

"And Daisy said she overdosed, her Mom saw Olivia in the hospital. And what did she do? She leaves without saying anything. She didn't even call me!"

"That's why you're mad isn't it?"

"No." I sit up standing from the bed. Jaime would kill me if she saw me.

"It is. You're just mad at Olivia for not visiting you at camp." Brittany rolls onto her back. "I remember, you cried."

"I said no and I didn't cry!"

Brittany puts her finger over her lips. "Rafe you have to call Natalia and tell her. You're going to break their marriage up if you don't."

"NO!"

"Rafe, I've been here, you've been here. You don't want your moms splitting up because of you."

"I don't care what they do. We're getting out of here." I pull a map out of my bag. "Remember we're going to visit every dot on this map."

"We're kids."

"So?"

"So, I'm not going anywhere until I finish school."

"Brittany, no!" I throw the map down. "You promised to go with me!"

"Rafe we were drunk on wine coolers." Brittany sits up hugging her pillow. "Jaime would kill me if I ran away. She's done too much for me to bail on her."

"Then I'll go by myself." Fuck it I don't need no body. "Tonight." I pick up my bag. "Cover for me until daylight."

"No!' Brittany jumps off her be pulling my bag back to the floor. "Don't go."

I hate that Brittany's taller than me. I should be taller, so I can look down at her. I should be able to reach things she can't instead of calling her because I'm too short.

"If you go I'll be all by myself and what about your mom. She'll worry herself to death." She pulls me back to the bed sitting beside me.

I think she knows I'm too scared to actually leave on my own. I probably wouldn't make it to the next city anyway.

"Everything will get better. I promise. You know if you asked Olivia I'm sure she would tell you what really happened." She looks at me with sad puppy eyes.

"I don't want to talk to her." I turn towards her. "As a matter of fact I don't want to talk about her anymore."

"No?"

"Nah."

"What should we talk about then?" She smiles so innocent.

She doesn't even let me say anything she just kisses me. I kind of like when we kiss. It's not like they do in the movies but I still like it. And I'm getting better at it; at least that's what Brittany says.

"Rafe! Brittany! Down stairs now!" Jaime yells. I jump so high I fall off the bed.

Brittany laughs so hard she starts to cough.

"Coming Jaime!" I push Brittany back onto the bed throwing a pillow at her. "That ain't funny. You're going to get me killed."

"Oh please." She pushes my shoulder as we walk down the stairs. "Olivia wouldn't let her."

She stops turning around. "My mom once tried to sell me for crack and my dad asked me once did I want to smoke some with him. Olivia's hasn't done anything to you. You should be happy all she did was not call. Your dad did much more." She leaves bouncing down the stairs.

NATALIA

Another night of fending of the boogeyman, and I've finally got Emma to sleep.

The confusion inside of me has all but disappeared while reading to our daughter. I take small steps down the hall trying to figure out a way to make this work.

And Rafe, in all this mess I haven't thought about what he wants. I've been so busy trying to keep him shielded but his not a child anymore. He knows and we have to talk to him. I have to talk to him. He needs to know he's still loved and no matter what I will spend the rest of my life making him happy.

Olivia is a whole other issue. I can't but hope and pray that tonight won't be a continuation of last night.

I can't hide in Emma's room forever. I shake away the depressing thoughts walking into our room.

The room is dark beside for a few flickering candles along the bedside table.

"Olivia?"

On cue she walks out of the bathroom with nothing but an open robe.

"You called me?" She uses that sultry voice that always makes me weak in the knees. I never have been able to resist it.

Slowly she stretches out on the bed, the sides of the rob lying uselessly beside her perfect body. "Why don't you come over here so I can give you you're present?"

I wish I could but my feet seem to be glued to the carpet. This isn't right, something is definitely wrong.

"I guess I'll have to start without you." Her hand travels slowly down her body. My eyes zero in on the limb following its every move, until it disappears in the v of her parted legs. Her body rises off the bed with an almost silent moan. The muscles in her forearm tension as she struggle to control her every move.

"See what you do to me." Her eyes close as another wave of pleasure surges through her body.

Without another thought I lock the door walking over to the bed, kneeling between her open legs.

I watch in amazement as her fingers dip into, but never penetrating her depths.

My hand intercepts hers, clasping our hands together. Her breathing hitches oblivious to the fact that I had move to my target destination.

The smell alone assaults my senses, driving my brain haywire, till the only thought I can catch is of tasting her again and again.

I lick the back of her fingers tasting her. The first taste is always a relapsing experience. A drug I'm happily addicted to with no sign of recovery.

I need more. I run my tongue along her sex keeping the touch light.

Her hips raise high off the bed seeking more contact. I move with her, keeping the contact feather soft. I know she hates it when I do that, but nothing is more satisfying then hearing her begging and moan for me.

"Please." She whispers, tangling her hand in my hair, pulling me to her body.

I shake the hand loose grasping them, our hands rise above us in a game of mercy. I keep a tight grip on them, letting her know I'm in control.

"Natalia?" Her body is in over drive, throwing itself through the thick air.

"Shh, baby. I know." I know all too well, from the many nights she's kept me on edge for hours at a time. From all the nights I begged and begged leaving my voice hoarse the next morning. Yes I know very well and I want her to know and remember while I'm gone.

Her hips jerk again as I blow cool air across the hot surface.

"Ugh."

If it were any cooler I'm sure stream would be filling the room.

"Olivia, tell me."

A few second pass before she answers, her body slowly lowering to the mattress. "No."

"Tell me."

I hear her take in a couple of deep ragged breaths. Her body slacks, let go of most of the tension settled in her muscles.

I keep her hand in my grasp laying them on the soft bed. My eye glues to her bloomed flower, begging me to touch it, to sate the hunger she started.

I get temptingly close to her centre. I run my tongue through the coarse patch just hoping to get a small taste to help me outlast her.

Her hips rise silently begging, rebelling against her brain. "Fuck me please."

As much as I love to watch her squirm, it hurts me also. To deny myself the pleasure of giving her pleasure is just as hard on me as it is on her.

Deciding not to prolong the pain for either of us I dive into her heat. First stimulating her bundle of nerves till it strains against it bond beneath the slick skin. With every caress of my tongue, the tangy liquid fire seeps out, glistening in the dim light. I move down to catch her essence, cleaning the area, before going to the source.

Her hands squeeze mine almost painfully. Still I hold them in place, moving with her, controlling the amount of pressure.

"Please…please."

I concede to her pleas, sucking her bud in my mouth. She bucks faster spilling more and more of her onto my pallet.

I can tell she's close. The way her body shakes, the tiny but noticeable quivers of an impending orgasm. I live for this.

With a stab of my tongue I plunge in and out of her quaking body, as deep as the human anatomy will allow. One last stab of my tongue pushes her over the edge. Her leg closes around me holding her in place as she stays suspended in the air.

"Oh god." She draws the moan out, struggling to take in much needed oxygen, trying to remain at the peak.

I suck her bud into my mouth pushing her further.

"Natalia." The plea is music to my ears. I love it. The high pitch could break glass; all it manages to do is strengthen our bond.

Finally for what seems like an hour her body relaxes crashing onto the bed.

I crawl up her body, watching it twitch every second or so as the pleasure ebbs through her muscles.

"Wipe that silly grin off your face." She stretches lazily.

"No." I reply snuggling up to her side. "I still got it." Maybe this is what we needed. Who says sex can't fix things.

"What's the time?"

I look at the clock calculating the time. "Two minutes 6 second."

"No it had to be longer than that." She tries to sit up to look at the clock but I press her down with my body weight.

I sit up shedding my clothing quickly before anything can ruin this moment.

"God, that wasn't supposed to happen," she rolls us, so that she's on top nipping at my lips. A tiny shift and she's straddling my leg. I groan at the heat on my thigh and more at her leg pressing against my need.

I look up at her so unguarded with her natural beauty. "I love you." I'm not sure if it was my mouth just blurting out anything or if my heart had taken over.

She pauses, her mouth hanging open.

I meant it and at the same time I wish I could take it back. I lean up kissing the side of her luscious lips. Playfully she keeps moving evading me.

After a few tries I catch her lips sucking her tongue in my mouth all the while digging my hands in her hips. A slow rhythm is started, our bodies dancing with each other.

She pulls back biting her bottom lip grind harder onto me. She falls onto me bathing my ear in her heavy panting. "Ohgodohgodoh." Each 'oh god' her pitch gets higher. I love the sound. I always have, always will.

It alone could force me to come.

She latches onto to the pulse on my neck.

"Yes."

She bites down on the sensitive skin as the stars behind my eyes explode like the 4th of July. "Fuckfuck."

She kisses the spot behind my ear. "That's it, cum to me."

The rod in my back bows taking my body with it.

Olivia rises up hovering over me as we share the same air.

I struggle to keep my eyes open at the peak of my orgasm staring into Olivia's eyes.

"I love you too, Natalia." She kisses my jaw line until I can comeback to my senses. She eases the pressure off my sensitive center.

I slide my hands up and down her back slowly trying to regain my surrounding faster. That can't be the end. I've waited too long for this for it to be over so fast.

"Don't worry; I have something else in mind." She points to the headboard at a pair of pink colored handcuffs that are intertwined around one of the columns. "I know you said there was no rush."

"Olivia I don't know if you're ready." My eyes are fastened to the handcuffs.

We've never really talked in detail about this but the few times it was hinted Olivia shut down on me. Now with her relapsing and the dreams coming more frequents, this is not a good ideal, but it still turns me on.

"I am and I want this for us. Complete trust. I know you would never hurt me or do anything I'm not comfortable with." She kisses down the side of my neck. "And I want to show you how much I trust you."

"I knew I shouldn't have told you." I stop her descend down my body. "Maybe we should wait, do a test run. I don't want you to do this because of some stupid dream I had."

"It's not stupid to want something. Look," She crawls to the edge of the bed pulling something from underneath it. "See. It came with the blind fold." She holds up the black blindfold with pink feathers outlining the edge. "And it came with a whip." The whip is a long black leather rod with a pink feather on one end and a folded leather strap on the other. "This side is for pain." She smacks the leather end against her palm. "And for pleasure." She reaches out and tickles my stomach with the soft feather.

My abs clench in voluntarily at just the thought of what we could do.

"So why don't you go get dressed in the bathroom and I'll get in position." A sly smirk spread across her prefect face.

"Olivia?"

"Last night was my fault." She sits on the bed in font of me. "I freaked for no reason."

"You scared me."

"I know but it got me thinking that maybe we've been talking too much."

Except we haven't really talked at all.

"That no what we need right now."She stand up sliding against my body. "I know what my girl needs."

I want her so bad.

"You need me and I need you. We need this. I can see it in your eyes." She kisses taking my hand and placing it between her legs. "Do feel it?"

"Yes." She so wet, so soft.

"It's what you need, want."

"I want you so bad." My fingers play, rubbing and penetrating.

"You can have me. I want you to take me." Her tongue plays along my neck. "So go."

I want to protest but instead I obey.

I pace the bathroom, debating whether I should let her do this. My mind says no, my body says yes, yes, yes and my heart is silently debating amongst itself. Lindsey says I need to talk to her about how I feel, but my body says after this.

I take a deep breath before exiting the bathroom with the harness swinging in my hand.

Olivia is still in the same position, sitting on the side of the bed the blindfold lying on the crown of her head.
I knew it. "Olivia, we can do this some other time."

"No, I want to now. I just wanted to see you before I put it on." She crawls onto the bed on all four, presenting all her glory in my direction.

I stay by the bathroom as she locks herself in, as not to apply any pressure to her decision.

Her cute little butt wiggles in the cool night air. "Okay, I'm ready." The apprehension in her voice is impossible to miss.

I discard the harness walking over to the nightstand grabbing the key. "Just say when and I'll stop." I stick the key in the palm of her hand. I stop her before she can protest. "This is just in case you fill the need to get free all you have to do is turn the key."

She nods her head in acceptance.

"You ready?"

She nods again. Slowly I pull the blindfold over her eyes.

"Okay baby, listen to my voice and relax." I crawl behind her, watching for any remaining signs of anxiety.

I pick the bottle of warming oil up squeezing a generous amount on my hand before running my hands up her back massaging any tense area.

"Um, that feels so good."

I kiss the dip in her lower back, extracting a moan I feel rumble through her mid section.

My hands continue to roam over her back and under her body. I message her chest with the oil feeling the free weight in my palms.

Her hips swivel pushing back against me.

I sit back on my heel disconnecting any contact. I wait for a couple seconds as Olivia shifts for aroused to confusion.

I crawl off the bed retrieving the whip. I don't want her to know where I am or what I'm doing. I stay quiet as possible walking around the bed watching as her ear perk listening for my presence.

I reach the feather end out running it up between her legs and quickly pull it away. I continue my journey around the bed looking for my next point of attack. I running the feather over the peak of her breast watching as it tighten to a small hard peak them down her exposed sides.

My eyes jump to the clinking of the handcuff being pulled against the column of the headboard. Olivia pulls against the restrains again. "God, Natalia."

After couple of minutes of the games, I'm ready burst at the seams. I need to take her in the best way. I need her to feel me move inside her. I need her to give herself willingly to me, give me the power over her body and trust me not to harm her.

I retrieve the harness from the chair, pulling the leather straps up my leg, penetrating my centre with the small plug strategically placed on the inside connected to the rubber phallus standing at full attention.

I crawl back onto the bed steadying myself behind my wife.

The sight of her hips wiggling in the air, silently telling me where she wants me, is all the permission I need, but I want it to be enough for her. I steady her hip, planting my hand on either side. "Olivia?"

"I'm ready." She tries to crawl back but she's stretched out as far as the restrains will allow.

I run my hand under her. She's soaking wet, almost dripping through my fingers. "Mine?"

"Only you." She stiffens a little when I gently roll her onto her back.

"Okay baby, relax." I hold the phallus with one hand her hip in the other. Slowly I guide it to her entrance slowing down every movement watching and listening for any signs of distress.

She sucks her breathe in holding it till I've entered her to the hilt.

She pushes onto the extension pushing the other end deeper into me. We stay that way until she relaxes a little more. I can see her fist ball, her wrist and hands are white from pulling on the cuffs.

She crushes her lips together until they are a thin line and I can't tell if it's from fear or desire.

"Olivia?"

"I'm okay. Keep going." She whispers into the darkening room. "Please." Her voice is steady and stronger than a second ago.

I bite my bottom lip trying my best to control myself, and I'm on the brink of slamming into her without consequences. The candles flicker some of them dying leaving the room more dark than light.

As soon as I pull back and push in she whimpers. I hold my position waiting then I pull back and push in again.

Olivia pushes back meeting my slow pace. It feels so good. "Keep going Livia, you feel so good."

Immediately I feel her tense under me. I stop my movements watching her hands clench back into fist. I see her shoulders tense more then she tries to raise up. The restraints her hinder her progress.

"What's wrong?"

"No, stop!" She pulls on the restraint shaking the bed.

I pull out of her, releasing the straps around my waist.

"Please no!" Her voice gets louder filling the otherwise quiet room.

I reach towards her hands trying to find the key but her hands are clenched into a fist. "Open your hand baby." I try to pry her hand open.

"Please, let me go." She sounds so helpless and small.

"Baby its okay. Olivia." I jump off the bed running to the wall to flip the light switch, that's when I realized the blind fold is still covering her eyes.

"Let me go!" Olivia pleas get louder than before. She starts to pull harder on her handcuff rocking the whole bed frame. "Don't do this please! I'm sorry!"

"Shh baby. Olivia, listen." I take the blind fold off, trying to wake her from her dreamscape. "You have the key; open your hand, please."

"Natalia please let me go." The look in her wild eyes makes me physically sick.

"I'm trying, open your hand."

She does and the key drop between the bed and the wall.

I crawl on the floor looking for the key under the bed. I see the metal reflect against the wall. After retrieving the key I try to unlock the cuff but she struggles against bond too hard.

"Olivia you have to stop struggling so I can uncuff you. You're going to hurt yourself."

My eyes are so blurry I can barely see through the tears to aim for the tiny hole. She stops for a split second just enough for me to unlock one ring. After a couple of unsuccessful tries Olivia's other hand is released from its restraint. She immediately crawls away from me to curling up on the edge of the bed. Her whole body is shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…" I reach towards her.

"It's okay. I'm okay." She holds her hand up still chanting.

I hate times like this, times when I don't know what to do to help. I want to hold her, but I'm afraid to frighten her more. "Olivia?" I can see the cold sweat rolling down her shoulder.

I knew it, why didn't I listen to myself.

After a few minutes she crawls under the covers wrapping in the sheet.

"Olivia, are you okay?"

"Fine." She snaps at me.

"Olivia?"

"What Natalia? What do you what from me?" She bolts off the bed, picking up her robe off the floor. She slings it over her shoulders leaving it untied. "I can't fulfill your twisted fantasies. I can't play baseball or football. I can't do it! Are you happy?"

A feeling of hurt pains my heart but it's quickly replaced with irritation and bitterness. "Why are you yelling at me? I told you, you didn't have to do anything." I'm almost yelling and I don't know why we are fighting. "I told you it was stupid if you don't want to be tied up you didn't have to do it."

"I bet he doesn't have a problem with it."

I can't believe we are back to Danny. "Is that what this is about? Danny." I stand from the bed a little unsteady. "You know what Olivia not tonight." I take some clothes from the closet, putting them on.

"Where are you going, to meet him? You think I don't know what's going on with you two. Why you've never introduces us, why you are always with him" I ignore her accusations. "You look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love him… tell me that you love me more." She sounds like an insecure child begging and choking on her own tears.

I turn to her. The tears are falling from her eyes like a waterfall. I can't bring myself to offer her any comfort. For the last few weeks she has done nothing but accuse me of wrong doing then apologizing and I can't take it anymore. She's the one that cheated. She is the one who got high then tried to make me feel bad for trying to help her. And she is the one who ran off without calling.

I sat by the phone for days waiting for her to call. I listen to voicemail after voicemail of women calling saying they had fun and would love to do it again. I sat there and took it all and now that I don't want to she has a problem.

And maybe that's not the real problem, maybe she is right. I could have loved Danny. What's not to like about him. He's sweet, thoughtful, funny, and above all trusting. The dream I had was only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe there was still something between us beside the puppy love we had ages ago. If he hadn't left, maybe we would be happy married with Rafe and Emma, hell who know maybe we would have had 10 kids.

I know I love Danny. I always will, he was my first real crush, my first love. I can't forget that and I never will but I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with Olivia and she used to know that by just the touch of my hand. Then again I used to feel it, now it wavers. But nothing seems to quell either of our feelings of betrayal.

OLIVIA

Her silence feels like hours. The room suddenly feels like a small cave. One where there's not enough air and your oxygen deprived voice would carry on forever.

The pain trickles from my heart entering the highway of blood leaving little chards of glass in it wake, each piece ripping opening wounds, old ones and fresh ones.

"Tell me." I plead with her, my voice hoarse and raw with pent up sorrow.

She reaches out towards me.

"Don't. Don't touch me." Those very words stab me in the heart. It feels like someone just twisted the knife, blendering my insides. I never thought I would say that to her. Then again I never thought she would find someone else. I don't need her pity, I don't need anyone's pity.

"Olivia you're being ridiculous. You know I wouldn't cheat on you."

"Prove it. Stay here with me. We just got back." I hate begging. It always seems to happen when I talk to her. I can never simply ask a question I end up begging like some street person.

"You just came back; you act like I was the one who jumped up and left." She sits beside me on the bed, not touching me. "I thought you trusted me."

"I don't trust him." I get off the bed still angry with her for going. "And don't act innocent with me. I know you want him. It shows in everything you do. When is the last time we've had sex. You can't even have sex with me because you're thinking of him. All you care about is sex."

The shock is written all over her face, mostly because the lack of sex has been on my part. But I know I am right.

NATALIA

I look at her in shock and awe. "Sex, really?"

"Don't insult me like I couldn't see what was going on. Every time I turned around you were all over me. I couldn't breathe." Like a caged animal she starts to rock from foot to foot.

I stare her through slits. "You never once said no. I asked you time after time if everything was okay and you said yes. Not once did you ever say no."

"How could I?" She yells running her hands through her hair.

Did she just accuse me of forcing sex on her or coercion her in anyway.

"I'm sorry that's not what I meant. That is not what I meant to say, I love making love with you. It's just afterward-"

"I don't want to hear it. This isn't about Danny it's about you." I shake my head. I'm not going to ride this with her again. Been there, done that.

OLIVIA

"I heard you that night. You said his name. I touched you…kissed you and you said his name, not mine… And I thought if I just showed you what we had…" I shove my hands through my hair aching to pull it out just to felt something other than the pain of losing my wife. "I heard you say his name and you couldn't even…"

"Olivia it was a dream it didn't mean anything! Like you have never had a dream about someone. I can't control that!"

I try to stay as calm as possible. She's lying to my face I can feel it. She loves him maybe more that she loves me. And who could blame her. With him she won't be constantly bombarded with question about her involvement in Nicholas's death. She wouldn't be asked if Danny is a cold blooded killer. Danny won't be asked if he adopted Rafe or Emma or if it's legal. They wouldn't get strange looks when they go somewhere out of town as a family. She won't have to hint around sex or check if it's okay to touch him or be on top of him. He doesn't have nightmares or the sordid past as a victim or junkie. Things would be easier with Danny.

Natalia walks to the door mumbling to herself.

"This is how you want it. You asked me not to lie to you and your standing here lying to my face like I'm nothing." I want to yell but I can't.

"I'm not lying, I love you."

"Is that enough?" Is love ever enough. No, it never has been and never will be. Love is a fleeting emotion, with a spider's web strength. Love can be lost, taken away or thrown away with a flick of a finger, in a blink of an eye.

People need more than that; they need trust, understanding, and forgiveness.

I look down at my wedding ring; the two clear stones sit side by side staring at me with a twinkle in each eye.

She'll never forgive me for relapsing, for loving Rodney or Doris. She'll never understand our bond and that is what this is all about. She's trying to punish me because of our bond, not love but our mutual respect and understanding of each other. She never trusted that I could be faithful and I guess I proved her right.

"It has to be." She walks out of the door without another word. But what is there to say. Goodbye will never do. I love you's have already be said. There is nothing else to say, I just wanted to hear something.

I lie awake starting at clock wondering when or if she will come back to me.

Finally around 2 am I hear the silence clicking of the door knob and I feel her lie down slowly trying not to wake me.

I want to be mad, maybe I should be, but all I can think of is how happy I am that she came back. It's not a victory but it isn't defeat. At least she came back, I don't know what I would have done if she had stayed gone all night.

"Natalia?"

She stays silent only shifting a little.

"I'm sorry."

"Please not now."

"When?" I rise up to my elbow.

"I don't know just not now." Natalia flips onto her back crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm sorry about what I said." I push further. I want to apologize for accusing her of infidelity. I want to tell her how upset I was when she didn't come to my meeting. I wanted to tell her how much Lily hurt me and tell her how she is the only person who has ever been able to make that hurt go away. I want to tell her how much I'm still hurting but I'm trying. Most of all I wanted to tell her how much I still love her even when I say I don't and how much I just want her to hold me at night so I can sleep for more that a few hours.

I slide my hand across the distance touching her fabric of her shirt. "I"

She shifts away from my touch. "Tell me this, why am I always the bad person?"

"You're not."

"I must be because you turn everything around on me." Natalia sits up whipping the covers back across the bed. "I wasn't there for you, I didn't pay enough attention, or I was too busy doing this or that."

"That's not what I meant to say." I sit up my back and wrist aching.

"No Olivia you never mean to say those things but you do. So tell me what it is I can do so that you won't do these things." She looks at me with blank eyes and for second I think she is just trying to hurt my feelings.

That's not my Natalia, she's asking a serious question because I put doubt into our relationship.

If I just hadn't been drinking I could have fought harder, longer, stronger. If I could have just held onto her hand she would have never been able to touch me.

I massage my wrist trying to forget the feeling of being held down or being tied down. I can't even where a watch without the feeling of restraints creeping up on me.

"That's what I'm talking about." Natalia stands up from the bed her hair whipping wilding around her head. "I can't say two words without you crying."

Am I crying? I touch my face and sure enough there are tears streaking down my face.

"No it's not you." I swear trying to convince her otherwise. "It's me. I'm all over the place."

"Right." She stretches out the word nodding her head. "So what am I supposed to do just go with the flow or what? What do you want from me?"

"No…I… I…I don't know. I know I want you here with me."

"I'm here and you keep pushing me away. Nothing I do is good enough for you."

"Natalia you are."

"There is this side to you that I never knew and I don't like it. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. I'm tired of you apologizing and I'm tired of you going off on these little binges then expecting everything to be okay, because they aren't." She turns away from me hanging her head down. Her voice is low tangled with defeat. "Nothing is okay and I'm tired."

The panic rises in my heart. She's tired of me is what she meant, which means this really could be the straw that broke the camels' back. I don't want this to be the end of us, our marriage. "I know things aren't okay. I know you're tired but you love me right?" As pathetic as I sound I don't care. I'll reach for anything to keep her here with me. I'll say or do anything to save our marriage. "We are a family, that counts for something right?" I crawl to the edge of the bed shaking at the swift chill in the room.

Natalia doesn't respond.

I need her to stay, I need her. "I'm sorry about tonight, I thought I was ready. I am; it was the blindfold. If we tried without it, I promise I won't stop you." Even as I beg her like a common whore Natalia turns around hurried almost running to her closet.

"No." She comes back out with a pair of shoes and bag in her hand headed towards the door.

I jump off the bed meeting her at the entrance. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to my mothers so we can both calm down."

We stand in silence for a few long seconds. I don't know what to say. I don't want her to leave me. I don't want to be here by myself. I can't be here by myself, not after this.

I don't want to lose what we had and I don't want her to fall for someone else while I'm trying to deal with everything. "Can't you stay just for awhile? I promise I'll be good." Begging, pathetic.

"No. I need to clear my head and I can't do it here with you. Just drop Emma off at her apartment in the morning."

"I'm so sorry, I never meant to make you feel unappreciated or feel burden." I swallow the rest of the words. The burden of being married to a victim is a heavy weight. She wasn't even assaulted and I'm sure she feels like someone just took everything from her, except that person was me.

Her eyebrows knit in thought trying to decipher my words. Finally she gives up rolling her neck. "I'll see you in the morning." She eases by me out of the door.

I take her hand stopping her for a moment. "Okay." I lied when I said nothing else could be said. "I love you." I whisper to her wanting nothing more for her to repeat the words. Those three words I long to hear. At that very moment I feel like I could die. Everything seizes up inside of me refused to ease until I hear those words, but they never come.

Natalia looks at me with blank eyes, no love, excitement, angry, or loathing, they're just blank.

This time could really mean goodbye.

Natalia nods her head before turning around and taking the stairs two at a time.

-0000

NATALIA

"You want to tell me what happened this time?" My mother sits a hot mug of tea in front of me.

I shake my head. "I was mad and I just snapped. You should have heard the things I said to her. It was awful."

"I'm sure if they weren't true she'll forgive you." She rubs small circle on my back. "And…if they were true maybe they needed to be said."

"Some of it was true but I know I went on the defense too quick. She's just going through something right now." I shrug my shoulders away. I shouldn't be comforted now. I deserve to feel this way.

"She must have said something to you to make you so angry."

"She accused me of sleeping with Danny." I lean back against the soft cushion of the couch. "But the worst part is I do still have feelings for Danny, but I used to love Olivia."

"Used to?"

"I don't know…I don't know how to stop this cycle we're in and my patience is wearing thinner and thinner."

"You have to so what is best for you. If Danny-"

"I'm not in love with Danny!"

"I didn't say you were but it is very obvious he has feeling for you and if you have feelings maybe they could grow."

"I don't want them to grow. I already told Danny I didn't love him and we could only be friends."

She sighs quietly. "Then what do you want?"

"I wanted to be with my wife tonight. I wanted to show her how much I love her and I wanted her to trust me."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I do know we can't keep living like this. I don't know how much longer I can wait or pretend that everything is okay."

"Have you talked and I mean really talked."

"I try so hard to figure out what to say but I can't stop thinking about things. I think about those women, Lily, her friends, or how she almost died. I think maybe I'm not good enough or strong enough to be with her. And it kills me inside to think those things. I just can't stop them." I sit up on the couch rubbing my tired eyes. "I know whenever I think about those things I get angry. I get so frustrated because everyone just expects me to brush this summer off. But what if this summer is like the next to the one after that, where does it stop?"

"Whenever you want it to." My mother pats my shoulder before retiring to her room.

Another night in her guess room is calling me. I'm so tired I might just sleep on the couch. Probably should get used to it anyway.

OLIVIA

"So how was last night?" Rodney barges into my office sitting on the edge of my desk.

"Horrible."

"That bad uh?"

"If you call freaking out then her leaving that bad then yeah, that bad." I lay my pen down closing my laptop.

"What's up with sleeping beauty over there, its 10 in the morning?"

"She spent the night with me and as you know people don't get much sleep at night with me."

"Nightmares?"

"My own child tried to scare my boogeyman away. I'm some kind of mother."

"You're a great mom. You just need some sugar, so let me take you two out for donuts and coffee."

"Donuts." Emma lifts her head up.

"We have to make it quick I promise Natalia I would have her home by noon."

"Everything is on me." Rodney picks Emma up tossing her up in the air. She giggles in his arms sleep still in her eyes.

"Donuts. Donuts." They march out chanting.

"It's been awhile."

"Yea I know." It's only been a week of dodging his calls.

"So you want to start where we left off last session?"

"Not really."

"Let's give it a try?"

"Things at home were better."

"How so?" John readies his pencil.

"Well Natalia had been around more. She was there when I woke up and she came home early so we get ready for bed together. Even though we haven't talked we have became more intimate."

"Stop right there, I don't think you are ready for intercourse therefore I am going to suggest that before you take anything a step further you need to sit down and talk."

"But she was the one initiating it. For weeks now I have been waiting for her to sit and talk to me and now she was showing all this affection. I have to be ready when she is."

"Why is that?"

"If I'm going to be her wife I need to be able to take care of her in every way."

"What about your needs?"

"Selfishly thinking about me is what got me in this situation."

"In the past have you ever had sex with Natalia when you didn't want to?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I didn't want her to feel rejected. I wanted to please her." Even though it was only a hand full of times when I think about it, the guilt can choke me. "Natalia was insatiable she was all over me all the time. The reason being she was jealous because of my past. Women that just popped up. She felt like she had to have to prove a point and I let her."

"You let her use you."

"She needed it to solidify our bond."

"And now?'

"I think it was the same now. She thinks I cheated on her so now the anger is gone she's getting possessive. I needed to prove she is still what I want."

"Needed? You've already tried haven't you?"

"Yes."

"And how did that turn out?"

"It wasn't too bad at first. We were just touching at first then it got more physical. She tried to undo my pants and I froze. But I could see the want in her eyes. She hasn't looked at me that way since I returned home. When I stopped her I could see the disappointment. I tried to shut my brain down and keep going but I couldn't. It wasn't her touching me it was them."

"I know it is enticing but this is not going to solve anything until you two talk about the events that happened and share your feelings."

"It's what she wants and I should be able to give it to her."

"I'm sure if she knew what you've been through she wouldn't ask that of you."

"I should be able to let Natalia touch me, instead of freezing. All week she has been so patient and how do I repay her. I start something I can't finish. One day she might not-" I stop talking. I know it's too late the nightmare will play tonight.

"She might not what?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay we'll come back to that." John waits a second his eyes studying the notebook in his lap. "Do you think that sex is all Natalia wants from you?"

"I don't know, a part of me says yes but my heart says no. I don't want her to be like everyone else."

"How is everyone else?"

"Sex is all they want because of what they've heard. But with Natalia it was so much more than that." Her eyes used to just shine when I walked in the room. She used hold my hand or brush my hair. We did so many things together beside sex, I don't know when it changed.

"So why are you pushing the subject?"

"Because I know that sex is important to her."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I already told you. She needs to feel that bond. We need that and I'm the one holding us back." If it hadn't been for the blindfold I could have. I would have let her fuck me until one of us passed out. I would have if she hadn't have said those words.

"How do you feel when you two are touching?"

"It's like when we are together it feels good, it feels so good and I want more. But in my mind I know if I ask for more I'll just freeze because it won't be Natalia I feel, it'll be them."

"You believe Natalia would force you."

"No but a person can only take so much teasing."

"And when she gets feed up?"

"I know she's not stronger than me but if she tried." I shutter at just the thought.

"Just to entertain me what would you do?" He stares at me intently.

"I don't know." I do.

"You do, now tell me."

"Nothing. I wouldn't do anything. I would just hope it was over quick."

"What about in your dream?"

"I always stop fighting."

"Why?"

"I don't know." I taste the salt pooling around my upper lip. "I can't hurt her even if she hurt me the way she did."

"But she didn't, only in your dream. This is why you are not ready for sex. Your mind is still trying to put itself together. Until you have come to terms with the difference between your dream and reality you won't be able to give yourself to her."

"Do you know how many times we had sex just the 2 months after we we're married?"

"It's not about sex it's about letting her inside." John leans forward. "Not only inside your body but mind and heart. If you can't do that you need to give yourself more time." He sits back shaking his head. "You refuse to even admit you were assaulted."

"I know what happened I was there!"

"Then why is it when I ask you why you relapsed I get the same answer."

"Because John I'm taking responsibly for my actions. I'm not going to just blame it on Lily. I started drinking before I confronted her. I was already lying. She didn't shove anything up my nose. I did that."
"She didn't force you to do anything?"

"I shouldn't have been drinking." I wipe away a few tears rubbing my eyes.

"So you asked for it."

"No." I try to compose myself.

"Why don't you take a minute and we'll try another angle."

I walk out of the room making sure to slam the door. Outside I light a cigarette I stole for Rodney. It's not as soothing as I had hoped but it will do. If I had just one line of some coke I'd be fine.

When I sit back down my leg won't stop shaking. I know what John wants to talk about.

"Welcome back." John walks in with a cup of coffee.

"Whatever."

He sits down sipping at the steaming cup before setting it down. "Are you ready to talk?"

"Yes."

"How did you feel when Natalia touched you?"

Just jump head first, no foreplay. "Like I said it feels good at first. But then it changes because I start to panic. I guess I get flashbacks and I feel the pressure on my chest. I feel like I can't move my legs or arms. I start panic but I remember I said yes, so I try to relax and drift away."

"You zone out."

"If you want to call it that."

"Did you want to have sex?"

"My body wants to but my mind doesn't cooperate. I just wanted to be close to her but then I just wanted it to be over."

"Afterwards how did you feel?"

"I stopped her when..." I pause trying to sort out my feelings.

"How far did you get?"

"We had sex. It felt good when she was…when she was performing oral sex. Then we tried the handcuffs and blindfolds. She gave me the key to the handcuff then we tried a little foreplay. She got behind me just like in the dream. My legs and arms started to hurt. And…and she was inside of me. I felt hands on my back-"I clench my leg as though I was actually fending off an attack.

"Olivia, breath."

"I was begging her not to. But I felt it and there was nothing I could do but scream. I still feel it." I try to relax my legs but they refuse to listen and the pain intensifies.

"Olivia breath!" John's loud voice pulls me out of my memory. I take a deep breath my lungs burning in the process. "I don't want you to confuse what happen with your dream."

"I know what happened."

"Okay." John holds up his hands. "I want to make a few points that might help you with hesitation with your wife. When you are having intimate relations with your wife you think back to your past assaults and dreams but I want to make a few points to you that might ease your fears."

"I'm listening."

"Earlier you told me…" He runs his finger along the page of his notebook. "She gave you the key."

"She did."

"While engaged sexual in contact you said no and what did she do?"

I think about the answer. "She stopped."

"See in your dream Natalia is there but she steps out of sight and then you feel yourself being assaulted so in your unconscious mind you have associated Natalia with the assault weather you what to admit it or not. But the truth is she steps out of sight because you don't want her to see you in that position." John leans forward looking me in the eye. "Now think about that and tell me what happened."

"I told her to stop and she did and…I snapped at her. She walked out and felt alone and cold. I felt foolish to think I was ready. And what was even more pathetic is I begged her to try again but without the blindfold. I begged her, told her I would be good."

"It's normal, you panicked that she was leaving, in your mind sex is what she was there for and you couldn't perform for her."

"John I don't beg okay. I can count on fingers the amount of times I've really begged outside of this marriage and every one of them I was being pathetic."

"You begged for them to stop."

"I did but it didn't make much difference."

"But it did with you wife."

I nod my head.

"So no means something."

"Not to everyone."

"But it does to the person who matters."

I nod again.

"Let's talk about another subject. Let's talk about how you cope after your assaults."

"What about it, I do drugs. What else is there to say?"

"You cope with sex too."

"Sometimes." I already know where he's going with this line of questioning. "I use it as a way to regain power. I was always on top and in charge. I never let them touch me or try to please me."

"Except?"

Except? What else is there? "Natalia?"

"One named Doris Wolfe."

What is it that every conversation with everyone comes back to my friendship with Doris? And how does he know. "What does she have to do with my sex life?"

"Come on Olivia let's just make this quick. You have had a sexual relationship with her."

"Your point?"

"I can tell by the way you talk about her." John smirks like he knows something I don't.

"Exactly what can you tell?"

"I suspect you let her touch you. You probably went to her when you felt unsatisfied with you latest conquest. She most likely let you dominate her but gave you the fight you were looking for. Am I on track?"

I keep all reactions off my face. It was a two way street.

"I think I am. I'm also sure you let her touch you, maybe without penetration but I'm sure you two shared more than a few rendezvous."

"If we did?"

"Are you going to tell Natalia?"

"Yea on my deathbed."

"And you wonder why she doesn't trust you."

"We haven't slept together in ages." I dismiss his statement.

"Never the less I'm sure Natalia can feel that connection you two have and it probably feels threatening. Probably wonders just when you are going to make her your security blanket instead of Mayor Wolfe."

My security blanket. I'm supposed to be her security blanket; I do things to protect her from me. Doris can take it without blinking an eye. This proves it. She's still holding my words against me even though she knows I wasn't in my right mind. It was the withdrawals talking. But Doris hasn't missed a beat. After all the things I said to her during my recovery she's never brought any of it back up or thrown it in my face.

"I've seen this a thousand times before. She's your best friend the only person who has never walked away from you or let you down."

"Never." Doris Wolfe is the most loyal person I know and I wouldn't trade our friendship for all the money in the world.

"I dare to say you don't have a problem lying next to Doris Wolfe?"

"Because I don't have to worry if she will want sex that I can't provide."

"And you worry about Natalia?"

"Because I might not be able to give her what she wants."

"So say no."

"I did!"

"She has proven time and time again that no mean something. If you can name an instance when you said no and she kept going I'll drop it but if you can't you have to start trusting her with your safety. If you can't do something as simple as that how can she trust you."

NATALIA

"Natalia just calm down"

"I can't Lindsey! I can't!" I've tried to calm down the whole day but things just keep getting worse. "Every time I think about what she said."

"What did she say?" Lindsey steps in my pacing path. "Please just sit down and talk to me, let me help you sort this out."

I take a deep breathe falling to her couch. Lindsey sits beside me but I shrug her hand of my shoulder. I don't want to be comforted right now. I want someone to pay.

"Just slow down and tell me what happened."

"Last night after I put Emma to bed Olivia was waiting for me in the bedroom. I told you about the night before."

"Natalia, did you try to have sex again?"

"She tried it. I didn't do anything, after the other night. I was too scared but she promised she was ready, she had whips and handcuffs."

"Natalia!"

"I know, I just. It was everything I told her I wanted. She knew what she was doing and she seemed so sure." I try to explain, but the look on Lindsey face says it all. I should have known better. I should have known she wasn't and let something else take over. "I felt good."

"What?"

"I let go of the past and stopped thinking and it felt good."

"So what happened?"

"She freaked out after the handcuffs and we fought. She accused me of raping her, can you believe it!" I get up off the couch leaning over her desk. "Did you hear me? She said I forced myself on her all the time. She said she those things and I just lost it."

"It's understandable, you're both under a lot of stress and pressure."

"It's not okay Lindsey. Nothing is okay and I told her that. I told her I was tired then I left."

"You just left?"

"I left and went to my mothers. I just let it all out. That I was tired of her lies and if she wanted to fuck Lily or those other girls then she should just say it. It would hurt a lot less if she would quit lying to me."

"Natalia, I told you-"

"I know-"

"No you don't, you don't know anything right now and you're fighting in the dark." Lindsey's face turns a deep shade of red. "I told you, you should have gone to that group. She could have told you everything."

"I don't want to hear it Lindsey. I don't want more lies. I don't want to hear the sorted details of her relapse. All I want is for this to be over. I want my wife back, the one that was on that altar saying her vows to me."

"That is that woman but that woman needs her wife to listen to her. She needs that from you. You've checked out and she has to know." Lindsey sits back shaking her head at me.

"So this is my fault?"

"No Natalia, but it's not all Olivia's!"

"Wait do you know something?" I know she is always the reasonable one but she's fighting just a little too hard for Olivia.

"I know Olivia well enough to know that she wouldn't just cheat on you." She rubs her face pulling her hair into a ponytail before letting it fall back around her shoulders. "You know it too. You have to get past the hurt, the pain will eat you alive. Trust me I know."

"I'm not ready."

"Then when?"

"Funny she asked me the same thing."

"Natalia," Lindsey gets up taking my hands in hers. "You have to face this head on. No one wins if you keep running, not you or your children."

"And what they're better seeing Olivia sniff her life away?"

"They'd be much better if you made up your mind. If you don't want to be with Olivia and not listen to her, then fine. Tell her so you both can get on. But if you truly want Olivia back then you have to listen and try to forgive."

"I have listened. I'm listening to my children." I pull my hands out of hers, taking a few steps away. "I talked to Rafe."

She shakes her head. "Rafe is a child; he's just learned Superman isn't real. You can't take what he says at face value."

"I can, yes I can!" I need some space. "They are the only things I can think about. When she was gone I was the one who had to answer they're questions about when is mommy coming home. I was the one who had to look at them everyday and lie. That was me, not Olivia. No she ran off and refused to talk or answer my calls. She didn't lift a finger to contact me or her children so excuse me if I'm not in a forgiving mood!"

"Stop yelling."
"Why?"

"Because you're not angry at me, you're angry and the one person who could give you all the answers. Yet you're not talking to her." She points at me so accusingly. "Now she has made the first step, it's up to you to do the same."

"Danny said you'd-"

"Oh please, Danny? Really?"

"Don't you start again." My neck is starting to tense. I've had enough of everyone on my case about Danny. Not one single person has taken on moment of out their lives to try to get to know him. No one of them, but they all act like he's the villain. "You act like he started this."

"He isn't helping!"

"Neither is anyone else! He's the only person who I can unload on and his opinion is not tainted by our past." I point back at Lindsey. "You know how hard it was for me while she was gone and now that she is back…I don't want her here."

"You don't mean that."

"Yes I do. Rafe is scared to death of Olivia and I can't blame him. I don't know how but he knows."

"Of course he knows!" Lindsey throws her hands up. "He's not deaf or blind. You don't think he's seen how you act around her. How skittish you are, the way you stare I'm sure hatefully at her. You don't think he's seen you like this before. When's the last time, really think about it."

I haven't even thought about it. He must know Olivia would never hit me. Jesus, I didn't even know. I honestly thought if I had kept those drugs from her she might have.

"Why do you think I've be letting him stay over our house even thought Jaime is livid. He needs stability and that won't happen until you both open up about this summer." Jaime touches my shoulder. "All of you are hurting and that won't stop until you do."

"I can't put myself in the same situation. I wanted last night so much. I wanted it so much." I lean into her touch. "At that moment when I felt her tongue, tasted her again, when I was inside of her; just for a moment everything was okay. Nothing was wrong. At that moment I knew she loved and trusted me and I felt the same."

"You can have that again."

"Can we? She doesn't trust me or she doesn't love me."

"Which hurts more?"

I don't know.

OLIVIA

I don't have green eyes for nothing. I can be very jealous and though I am better at hiding it than Natalia, the monster jumps into me a lot.

Lately it has been working overtime, for good reason too. But that reason is a catch 22. I can't be mad at Natalia for having a friend I don't like. If that were the case I would have to cut out all of my friends especially Doris and Rodney. I can't control her life. I just have to trust that she won't stray in trying times.

It's not really Natalia I'm worried about it's him in her ear, telling her things she might want to hear. As much as I hate to admit it, it's starting to sway her heart.

I can feel it when she leaves to answers the phone; I know something is going on; we're both too afraid to admit it.

We're back to square one. She stood me up for lunch but I shook it off because she had a very convincing excuse and I decided to trust her. But tonight I am going to be the bigger man, I'm taking Natalia to dinner tonight whether she likes it or not. Even if it mean Rafe and Emma spend time with Danny. If it is meant to be then we'll make it but if its not I don't want her to be unhappy any longer that she has too.

Just thinking about it makes me dizzy. I don't know if I could actually leave her for good. I feel like I would potentially be a stalker hovering around corner and peeking through windows. They're my family and I deserve a chance to make things right. I deserve that much at least an hour to try to make it up to her.

Like a bat out of hell, Rafe comes flying through the kitchen where I'm sitting. "Whoa, slow down."

Ignoring me he rushes through the screen door only to reenter moments later pulling his new idol behind him.

"MA!" Rafe yells sending bells ringing through my ears.

Danny shifts nervously from one foot to the other refusing to look at me.

I should stand up maybe that would intimate him but he would still be an inch or two taller than me. With Nicky we were the same height, it was easy to gain the upper hand.

Natalia walks into the kitchen looking at me with a tight smile, like I did something wrong.

All I was doing is sitting here trying to read the paper. Haven't even said a word to him. It never used to be like this even when we fought. She would always smile bright; it's why I couldn't stay mad at her.

For some reason the look hurts more than her cancelling our dates or being a no show at the meeting. I didn't even do anything.

As soon as Natalia looks at Danny her demeanor changes. Her eyes lighten to an almost hazel color and that beautiful smile appears.

I try to smile but only manage to swallow the lump in my throat. Anything is better than crying at this table in front of them. He probably already thinks I'm crazy.

"You look stunning." Danny hugs Natalia picking her up off her feet.

She does. Even in plain low riders jeans and a navy blue v-neck sweater. She doesn't have on a dab of make up and she is still radiating. There is a glow to her that has returned just in the last few seconds. I wish I could say it was for me.

I don't even have to see Rafe face to know he is smiling.

I guess I finally got my wish, he's here. I guess the fates were trying to protect me from this scene right here. She looks…happy. They all do. What a stark difference from when we are alone. She doesn't smile; she doesn't even like me to look at her. I have yet to spend one hour with Rafe by ourselves. They always have plans not including me.

I can't help but remember to keep at least one of the promises I made on our wedding day. I promised to make her happy without or without me. I guess this dinner will put all of it in perspective. How can I make her happy if we can't be in the same place without screaming?

As if they suddenly remember I was in the room they break apart clearing their throats at the same times.

"Danny this is Olivia Spencer."

Her wife, I finish Natalia's sentience in my head. "Hi." I wave from my seat.

Like he's all of a sudden shy again he ducks his head giving me a small wave. "How are you?"

Better if you disappeared.

"Rafe you ready?" Natalia claps her hand, trying to cut through the tension.

"Actually that's why I'm so early. I though we could all go. Maybe have dinner before we hit the cages." He lays his arm around Rafe's shoulders. "I wanted to make up being late for lunch."

Natalia looks at me for a second, too fast for me to catch her eyes.

She lied to me. I can't keep the smile off my face. I can't believe she lied to me to have lunch with him. The truth would have hurt but lying means she might have had other intentions.

"Please Ma. Can you come with us? I want to show you my swing." Rafe pulls at her hand begging.

I think we've all done our fair share of that over the last few months.

"Why don't you show Danny the living room?" She lets go of Rafe's hand as he bounces to the next room pulling Danny behind him.

I stare at Natalia's back as she follows them to the threshold of the next room. I can feel the monster trying to make it way out of my body. I won't let it, because I know know knowknow deep down in my heart that Natalia won't blow me off.

I wrote out a whole speech about what happened, I'm going to tell her about Lily and why I relapsed. I want her to know who Lily really is and why I was trying to protect her from that monster. How I would do it again if it meant keeping her protected.

I've already told her plainly that we have to talk so it is now or never. I might have been ambiguous about the other dinner plans but I told her straight forward that if we don't talk tonight I don't see us making it through this. I told her how much this meant to me for her to take an hour out of her day to just sit down with me, in which I promised not to yell or scream or accuse. I promised her and she promised me she would come to dinner. She promised me she would give me an hour of her time to talk. She promised.

This whole thing is about us reconnecting, finding each other, knowing if we are still able to love one another.

Right now those questions could all be answered by her decision. It could all be washed away like loose sand on a beach just by the next few words out of her mouth.

"Olivia." She sighs turning to me and I already feel the frigid water carrying everything I have ever wanted away.

I brace my self balling my fist to keep my emotions at bay.

"I think we should move our plans."

"Natalia I made reservations." I say without looking at her. I can't, the betrayal of the moment is too much to bear.

"Olivia it think you are being a little selfish. You can move those reservations to another time." Her voice is low but I hear the resentment creeping into it.

I shake my head with out responding.

"You don't even make reservations; you show up and get the best seat in the house. What's the difference between today and tomorrow?"

Its not about the reservations, its not about how I begged to have her favorite deli cleared out and decorated, and paid the owner to stay open two hours later just in case we needed it. Its not about all the crap I've been through to find the flowers she used at our wedding or about much I was looking forward to just one measly hour with her. It's not about that it's about us or the lack of.

And there would be no difference between today and tomorrow, she still would find a reason to get out of it.

"I can't believe you are doing this, again." I say in awe of our situation. "This is not about reservations it's about a promise you made me." I stand up from the table so fast I am barely fast enough to catch the chair. "For god sakes Natalia I'm trying to talk to you!"

"Is everything okay?" Danny walks into the kitchen to Natalia. He turns his back to me cutting off my view of my wife.

"Everything is fine." Natalia steps to the side putting some space between them. "Thank you."

"Natalia, can I talk to you outside for a second?" I can barely contain my rage. The disappointment left when he stepped in. Now I'm angry. I walk to the door holding it open for her.

She looks at him like she needs permission to leave. Finally she steps out on to the porch with me.

I try to calm myself. I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to fight with anyone. I just want her to choose me just this once.

"What do you want from me Olivia?" Before I can answer she starts talking again. "God, Olivia we can have dinner anytime."

"Can we? Because lately you can't seem to stay in the same building as me." I keep my voice at a normal level even thought I feel like screaming my own ears off. "We don't even have to go anywhere we'll stay here and just talk."

"All I am trying to do is make my son happy."

Her son.

"I don't want him pulled into this, and you know what he's happy going to the batting cages with Danny and all he wants is for his mother to watch him, so that is what I am going to do…We are going to have fun." Natalia's voice is harsh as she stands in front of me, her body as straight as a board, holding her ground.

I feel a cold shiver run through my body slowing down the raging blood.

The guilt is written all over her face. It's not about Rafe. It's about her and maybe him, but her mostly not wanting to be alone with me. It's about us ducking and dodging the truth for as long as we could. "You can come if you want."

"Do you want me to?" I'm ask not out of spite or as a come back but because I really want to know if she wants me here. I realize we don't have to have along drawn out conversation, its one simple question. "If not I won't interfere."

"You were the one saying how you couldn't meet him!" She yells at me.

I'm not going to yell back, it would be of no use. I can already see the apologetic look on her face. Her eyes cloud with tears and I would love nothing more that to hold her until they go away. That's not my place anymore. Maybe it was a temporary place anyway; just waiting for Danny to come along.

"Natalia we made plans, me and you. I've been trying and trying to get through to you but I'm exhausted babe. I can't keep chasing you. So I'm asking you to slow down for me or make a choice, if-"

"Ma, Emma's ready can we go now." Rafe walks out on to the porch with the rest of the group behind him. Emma is in Danny's arms holding her coloring book.

I crane me neck more that a little irritated at the constant interruption.

"It'll just be a second Olivia is going to come with us." Natalia rubs Emma's back refusing to meet my stare. I don't want to tag along to help her prove a point, just because she feels guilty.

But I will go just to see. I need to make sure she is happy with him. Or at least know if with both of us around which she will pick.

"Oh, well, I don't think my car will fit all of us." Danny feigns regret.

"Don't worry." I wave him off. "I'll take my car. I have a seat for Emma anyway."

"I have one." Danny looks at Natalia.

"Ride with us Ma. We can race to see who gets there first." Rafe runs to Danny's two door sports car.

I know I'm playing at a disadvantage so I take the decision out of her hands, if she actually chooses I might kill someone, mainly him. "Yea, go. I have to change anyway, I'll meet you there."

"You sure?" She asks, I'm sure out of formality.

"Yep, I'm sure."

"Okay."

"Okay." Danny chimes in like some one asked him. He walks to his car with Emma leaving us on the porch.

"I'll see you there." I pull her into a hug, not for him, but for me. I need to feel her physically. I feel like she slipped away where it counts.

I could cry when I feel her pull back but to my surprise she kisses my cheek before pulling away from me.

It would have felt so much better if I hadn't seen the sad look in her eyes. It would have changed my mind if it hadn't seemed so forced. It would have meant everything if she wouldn't have touched his hand as he held the door open for her. It would put me back together if her laughter hadn't reached my ear as they pulled off. Could've, would've, and should've never meant much in life they're just words.

When I arrive at the small park Rafe is already in the cage with Danny.

"Ladies." I join Natalia and Emma at the picnic table.

"Hi, Mom." Emma continues coloring in her book, lying across the table, her feet dancing in the air.

Despite the fact that we just had and argument and my life is slipping away I feel good. I prepared myself for what I would see between them, from silent longing looks to a full blown make out session. The last made me put a hole in closet wall but I'll get it fixed.

What ever happens I've come to terms with it, there will be no emotional breakdown, no begging or screaming from me.

There is just this small part of me that is positive for another reason. That part is still saying she is ours. Tonight is our last stand in this war. And I've prepared myself for defeat, white flag in my back pocket, for easy access.

But that little part of me is hanging on to her words from earlier. It's all for Rafe.

"Emma has daycare tomorrow. I thought it would be good for her to get back into a school schedule." Natalia says to me.

Last week I would have went through the roof with excitement, but not now. I refuse to get my hopes up. There had been too many ups and downs. It's my fault for hanging on to anything she threw my way. But no more, if we are going to do this it takes both of us.

"That's sounds great. Do I need to drop her off?"

"No just pick her up from my mother's."

"I can do that."

"Ma, look!"

I look up just in time to see Rafe connect with the speeding ball.

Even if he doesn't want to be he is still my son. I stand up clapping and whistling.

Rafe shakes his head in embarrassment before focusing on the next ball coming his way.

"Why don't we get everyone a snack?" I ask Natalia. "Anyone want something to eat?"

Emma shakes their heads no. Danny looks at me before turning back to Rafe. I guess that's a no.

"I've been trying to get them to eat healthier." Natalia leans back against the table. Silently telling me she's not going anywhere with me.

As I walk to the concession stand I see a group of kids putting money on the table. One of them has a 'Happy Birthday' hat on.

They all shake their head in their private huddle.

"Come on guys lets just play golf." A few of them start walking slowly, all of them except the birthday boy and a kid that looks like he could be his brother. They stare longingly at the food stand.

I often forget people aren't as fortunate as my family. Well no one should be disappointed on their birthday.

"Hold up guys." I stop the boys from leaving. "What did you want?"

They look at each other for the leader to speak up. Finally the boy's brother does. "Popcorn and nachos and hotdogs and drinks."

"Okay who wants nachos and a drink?" Four of them raise their hands. "Who wants popcorn and a drink." The other five of them raise their hand. That only leaves the birthday boy. "Well since it is your day I guess you want all four?"

A big smile blooms on his face as he blushes.

"Alright you guys stay right here."

I order their food and mine.

The kids get their order one at a time running off with a few thank yous.

The birthday boy is the last to grab his food. "Thank you." He ducks like he's afraid of his own voice.

"Here." I pull out a hundred dollar bill folding it and stuffing it in his jean pocket. "Happy birthday."

His mouth is stuck in the shape of an O. "Hey guys I'm rich." He turns and runs in the direction of his friends leaving a popcorn trail behind him.

"Sorry Ms. Spencer we're out of hot dogs, so it will be a minute."

"No problem." That's what happens when you do a good thing. You end up with nothing.

"Well that was nice of you."

I turn around looking at the young woman who spoke the words. She has to be in her twenties if not I need her secret. Her hair is short just hanging past her ear with one red streak.

"It's his birthday." I shrug off the comment.

The young woman smiles at me playing with the straw in her cup. "What if I told you it was my birthday?" She sips from the straw watching me under her long eyelashes.

"Is it?" I walk to her table. No need in just standing around waiting for a hotdog. A few minutes over here won't hurt; it's not like anyone would notice.

"Maybe." She smiles again showing off her perfect teeth. "CeCe." With a flick of her hand she waves at the seat, but it also gives me a pretty good view of a good size diamond on her hand. "Don't worry; I just wear it for show. What about yours?"

I take a seat, showing her mine. "Olivia and it's the real thing." But who knows about the future.

"Too bad, I could use some company tonight but I settle for a friendly voice for now." She chuckles again. The sound is light almost not there.

Natalia never laughed like that. If she laughs she laughs and I can make her laugh pretty hard, I know all of her ticklish spots. I wonder if he does.

"You seem preoccupied."

"No." I shake my head. "Just hungry." I look back at he kid at the counter but he shakes his head at my silent question.

"You came to the wrong place for gourmet meals."

"So why the trickery?" I ask pointing at her ring.

"Keeps asshole at bay."

"Haven't found the right one?"

"I knew this woman who showed me so much, but it wasn't to be then." She smiles sadly at me but with so much hope in her eyes. I wonder if mine look the same when I talk about Natalia. "See that's what I want." She says pointing at my wife and her boyfriend.

Danny playfully pulls Natalia into a cage. She doesn't seem to be struggling too much.

"Even from over here you can see how much in love they are."

I watch as her pulls my wife too close to his body, saying something in her ear.

I watch as she laughs, playfully hitting his chest.

I watch as he runs his hands over and down her shoulders then square her hip.

The heat of the night fades replaced with a chill that attacks my spine with vengeance. This is what I expected, the numb feeling. It's almost welcomed.

Danny turns Natalia around pressing up against her back, supposedly teaching her how to stand.

"Now and day all guys want to know is if you will blow them. What happened to romance?"

Natalia simply holds the bat out and with a little luck the ball smacks against the wood making it seem like an intentional bunt.

She starts her sexy victory dance that embarrasses Rafe. But in true style of the night Rafe smiles as Danny catches Natalia in mid jump.

I actually count the seconds that tick away as they stay pressed together.

"Hot dog."

"Even their kids are beautiful."

That kills me, twisting my insides into a knot. They do look like they are a happy family.

"They're my kids." I rise from the metal table. "It was nice meeting you."

She looks surprised for a second before looking between me and the scene. "Oh god, are you-"

"No, don't worry. I'll see you around."

"Hey, your hotdog!"

"Keep it." I throw over my shoulder. I stroll back to the picnic table where everyone is standing. I guess is missed the fun.

"You missed it." Danny laughs with Natalia and Emma.

"No I did miss a thing." I kiss the crown of Emma's head.

And there is the frown that has become a permanent part of Natalia's face.

"You finished already!" Danny decides to speak again; he holds the bat out to Natalia.

She waves it off. "I think I've had too much excitement for tonight." She says still frowning at me like she can read my mind.

"No, you looked like you were having so much fun, you know for Rafe." I quip back trying not to flinch at my own childishness.

Natalia's frown deepens, her eyes closing to small slits.

"What about me?" Rafe comes over sitting on the table.

"Nothing buddy, you finished?" Danny says after much silence.

"Yea, my arm hurts."

"We better turn in anyway. We have a long day tomorrow."

"We?" His words break through my reeling mind.

"Yea, we," he points at him and Natalia. "We are headed to Chicago to talk to some potential donors," He raises his eyebrows.

I thought the transition would be slow. I thought I had more time to figure things out before she actually ran off with him. I thought...

"I was going to tell you. I've just been busy. I was going to tell you tonight." She tries to explain, knowing we both know she's lying.

Her phone rings as we all stand in silence. She steps away speaking to who ever it is.

"Look I'm sorry I thought she told you." Danny apologizes with a smirk on his face, like he knows he's already won.

"That was Lindsey and Brittany, Rafe's going to stay with them."

I guess I'm just the last to know everything.

I don't know if she was trying to hide it or not but I saw them hug again.

She gets into the passenger side of the car staring out the window.

I don't want to go home. I want to sulk in my hotel room. We shouldn't be stuck together with tempers so high. It could only end badly. "I was thinking-"

"Can we not…in front of Emma." She snaps before I can even finish my thought.

I put the keys in the ignition seriously thinking about just telling her to go be with him if all I do is make her angry.

I want to be angry too. I want to be angry at Natalia. I just can't. The truth is we could have been still going strong if it were not for me. I made the mistakes and now I have to fix them. The only way I know how.

The ride home was silent; I didn't even bother to turn the radio on.

But I figured out a couple of things. One, I don't want to lose my family. Two, I already have. Three, I made a promise to Natalia to make her happy and so far I have failed. I also made a promise to stick with her for as long as she wanted me, the clock seems to have ran out some time ago.

So while Natalia is downstairs I put my plan into effect, with every fiber of my body screaming to abort.

NATALIA

Things were going so well until last Saturday. I should have stuck with my gut feelings and just said no.

But no what do I do, I follow Olivia's lead and all of it ends up being my fault.

I don't know what else I can do. I've tried to be mad, I've tried to ignore her and our problems, I've tried acting like this summer hasn't happened, I've tried talking but nothing seems to fix any of this.

Now we are back at square one; me avoiding her and her doing what ever.

I simply don't know what to do anymore. I can't win. We can't win and I don't know what to do about it.

Danny and my mother tell me one thing, then Blake and Lindsey say another and my feeling are somewhere in the middle teetering on one side then the other.

I don't want to leave Olivia. I still love her. It would devastate our children. It would probably destroy me even more than I already am.

On the other side we aren't a couple anymore. We are two people who live in the same house. We have children together but nothing much else. We don't sleep in the same bed half of the time. We can't talk with out arguing or someone crying or walking out. So how much of a relationship is there to save.

Olivia is upstairs getting her and Emma ready for bed. I can't decide whether to go up or stay here until she is sleep.

Since Saturday she has yet to look me in the eyes. She can barely say hello or goodbye.

I think I really hurt her feelings, then again she hurt mine.

I already apologized for saying what I said and for walking out. I know leaving is never going to solve any problem but it has to be better then spouting out hurtful words.

"Natalia are you there."

"Yes, I'm sorry." I hold the phone up to my ear. I almost forgot I was talking to my mother.

"Like I said Danny called and he told me he was worried about you. And I have to say I am too."

"There is nothing to worry about." I grab the remote cutting off the television leaning back into the cushions of the couch.

"Talia, maybe you should come and stay with me for a while."

"That wouldn't help anything."

"I know you. You hate to quit something but maybe it's for the best."

"It's not."

"There is a very wonder person waiting for you."

"Danny."

"Yes Danny. He is handsome, he has money, and he doesn't have addictions."

"I can't just quit because we've hit a bump."

"Natalia I love you." My mothers sighs, hopefully giving up.

"I love you too."

"You're my only child and I can't stand to see you in such a state. Why won't you just admit that your marriage might not make it?"

I know what she knows how I feel. I show everyone that I am fine. I go about my day like nothing has changed. In my mind I'm a wreck. What she hasn't thought of is that I have thought about that very thing. Everyday I pray that Olivia and I can somehow work this out. I pray day and night for guidance and so far nothing has been the answer. Accepting defeat is no longer one of my strong qualities and leaving Olivia is not really an option. Not a viable one. I don't think I could go through it.

"I don't know that. What I know is that I am not happy. I haven't been for a while and I don't know what to do. I don't know if things will ever change or if we can keep going because honestly I don't know where we will end up. I know this isn't either of our dreams when we said I do. But Olivia is my wife and I made a vow that I can't break. I won't do that to her or our family."

"So you're going to continue to be unhappy for the rest of your life?"

Before I can answer out of the corner of my eye I see Olivia standing at the foot of the couch with a duffle bag. The look on her face is one of total surrender. She looks mad and calm at the same time.

"Let me call you back." I let the phone slide from my ear. "What are you doing?"

"What you won't do." She drops the bag sitting on the couch beside me. Her eyes are red and filled with tears. Her hands shake as she takes mine. "I made a vow to you."

"Olivia don't." I already know where this speech is going. I don't want to hear it. She can't do this to us, not again.

"I promised you I would make you happy for as long as I could."

"Please stop." I pull my hands out of hers. The panic begins to rise in my chest and I can't control my breathing.

"And I broke that promise; instead I've been selfishly trying to keep you even though I knew…" She swallows loudly, letting a sob escape. "I knew you weren't happy."

I watch her try to find more words. I would contradict her but it's true. I'm not happy. That doesn't mean she can just walk out on us.

"So I'm going to go."

"No." I close the space between us hugging her close to my body. It feels good when she hugs me back.

That still doesn't stop the feeling of utter loss. It feels like a last hug. Like this is the last time I'll ever be able to hold her next to me. The last I'll feel her breathe on my neck. The last time we'll ever be a family.

I know it has only been a week or so but it feels like forever since I held her.

"Natalia." She tries to pull back but I hold on tighter.

"No Olivia, you don't get to do this." I pull back far enough to look into her eyes. "You don't get to decide. You don't."

"Natalia you just told him you're not happy." She wipes a few tears from her face. "Right now I'm the last person you want to be around."

I shake my head no. Yes I've been avoiding, still I need her here with me.

She pulls out of my hold taking my hand again. "You know it's true. You have to know I'm not doing this to hurt you."

"It feels like you are." I snap back. The rage starts to take over my mouth.

"You know that's not true." Olivia stands up sniffling back some tears. "I just want you to be happy. And if…if he makes you happy,"

"I'm not in love with him, why don't you believe me!" I jump off the couch standing toe to toe with her.

"If you aren't just think of this as a cool down period. Afterwards we can talk about our future, but in the mean time I can't be the one who keeps you in misery. But I want you to be happy with or without me."

"I can't without you."

"You can. Never forget how much I love you." She leans in kissing me the salt from our tears mingling between us.

She breaks our seal stepping back to her bag.

"Wait!" I yell, my voice vibrating through the empty house. "Why? Why do you get to make the decision? Why are you always trying to leave me? Tell me why."

"I've tried and tried to talk to you." She picks up her bag slinging it over her shoulder.

"Okay. I'm ready to talk. Let's talk." I sit on the couch patting the spot beside me.

"Why so we can scream at each other again. So we can say something in the heat of the moment and we couldn't possibly take back. I've lived in a home with silent resentment. I don't want Rafe and Emma to live like that. I don't want you to start hating me or your life."

"I won't."

"You will. All this has been building up to something I don't want us to ever turn into."

"I need you. I love you so much." I'm this close to breaking down completely. I can't even breathe let alone think past this moment. How did I let it get this far out of hand?

"That's why we need this time."

She leans down placing a kiss on my forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too." In the same breathe I push her away from me. She looks shocked but I don't care I need her to stay. "If you leave don't come back. I mean it." I growl at her. "I mean it Olivia. Right now. Right now! You either stay so we can talk or you walk out that door and never some back!"

"What would you say?"

I want to say something, I do. I can't think of anything to say or what I would say. "I-"

"I know." Olivia looks at me with hurt written all over her beauty features still she stands up and walks out of the door.

As soon as it closes as hard sob wrack my body. It hurts all over. It hurts more that her words, it hurts more that her relapse, it hurts more than the other women. It hurts.

All I can do is lie on the couch and cry. I cry until the darkness takes over my vision and I've cried my self to sleep.

Rodney

"Hurry up!"

"Rodney if you don't shut up I'm going to throw you down the elevator shaft." Doris punches in the code to the elevator.

I bounce on my toes behind her as the elevator starts up. I breathe in deep trying to prepare myself for the worst. It's one thing to hear about someone killing themselves but it another to see your best friend lying on the floor covered in vomit and blood. It's something I'll never forget. I see it every time I see her pop a pill or I see that look in her eyes. I just know. Sometimes I can still here her choking on her own vomit.

He doors open and I'm hot on Dory's heels as she run to the bedroom. The room is a mess, like a tornado came through. I check the bathroom and it looks about the same.

"I'm calling the police." Dory whips out her phone.

Where is she? Where are you Olivia? "Dory!" I run to the front room spying the door to the balcony open. We both run out the door looking over the rail. I almost trip of over an abandoned shoe.

I think I might vomit. I know we can't see her, it's too far and dark but I can see her in my mind.

If we had got here sooner.

"What are you looking for?" Olivia looks over my shoulder.

"Holy shit Olivia!" I turn around pulling her into a bear hug. "Sweet baby Jesus you're alive!" I feel Dory's arms circle around mine.

"What are you two talking about?!" Olivia struggles in my arms until I put her down. "Have you two been smoking?"

"No we got your text." I hold up my phone show her the message. "I'm going to do it."

Olivia walks back into the hotel. "I told you earlier that I was going to talk to Natalia and if it didn't work out I was going to leave, remember?"

"Oh yea."

Doris makes a show of closing the door and locking it. She wearing a scowl which means both of us are in trouble. I picked her up from Blake's house so she was probably in the middle of fucking. "So?"

I look at Olivia whose eyes are really red. I just knew that woman was bad news when I first met her. I knew it.

"It's over." Olivia says.

Good. "Olivia maybe-"

"Rodney, hush." Doris takes Olivia by her arms leading her to the bedroom. I follow them kicking my shoes off. I remember these sessions back in college. When either one of us had a heartbreak, overdose, or any emergency we would always have a slumber party followed by drug, alcohol, and women.

Doris climbs on the bed then Olivia and I scoot in behind her.

"Tell me what happened." Doris fluffs the pillow so we can all sit up. Olivia lean back against Doris looking at me. She's about to cry again. I know it.

I wish I had something to give her, something to help her forget about all of this.

"I told you I was going to take her out but then Danny came over and she wanted to go with him and Rafe to the batting cages. So I went and I just saw them and they looked so happy." Olivia sniffs while Doris wipes her eyes from behind.

It seems so natural I always wonder why Doris is being too stubborn to finalize it with Olivia. If it hadn't been for the party I bet we would have ended up in a co-habitation type thing. I would have two wives that brought home girl for us all to fuck. It would have been so awesome.

"I heard her on the phone and she told him she loved him. I just couldn't stay after that. I couldn't."

"What are you going to do?" I take her hand between mine. It would have been so awesome.

"I don't know. I guess we'll talk soon and find out how we'll deal with the kids."

"What about the house and cars and bank accounts?" Doris questions. Or course she would bring up the money.

"She can have it all, everything but the hotel."

Olivia can't see her but Doris is about to have a heart attack.

"I promised she would never want for anything even if we didn't work out so I want to make sure she's secure."

"Shh." I look at Doris who I know is about to say something about it. "Olivia it's going to be okay. We're not going anywhere so you people here for you."

"Anyone what something to drink?" Olivia gets up stepping over me.

"Yea I'll have some."

"While you're at it make us some popcorn we'll have a porn night." Doris keeps staring at me.

"Sure thing but no prison movies." Olivia runs out of the room.

"We can't let her do that." Doris whispers. "Natalia didn't work for any-"

"Come on Doris, if it were Blake you wouldn't set her up? It's her wife for Christ sakes. Let her handle it." I move a little closer to her. "We're all she has right now so lets not fight and try our damnest to keep her alive. I don't want to lose her and neither do you."

Doris growls at me, but she knows I'm right. And I'm sure she going to have Johnny beat me up later. "You check the bathroom and I'll check here."

It's a plan we've put in to action a few times, though I'm rusty I still know what to do. Walk into the bathroom going straight for the medicine cabinet. There are a lot of pill bottles and I have to check all of them just in case. We can't have Olivia swallowing pills.

I check each bottle removing all the pain pills. At first I was going to flush them like Doris would like but some of these pills go for a lot of money on the streets, no need for them to go to waste.

It only takes a couple of minutes for me to finish. I peek out the Doris to see where Doris is. She still in the nightstand.

"Hey Dory you finished?" I pour the pills into my sock.

"Almost."

"Okay, I'm flushing 'em okay?"

"Go ahead."

I flush the toilet twice for good measure. Act natural, act natural. I walk back into the room and slide onto the bed.

Doris retakes her place on the other side of the bed. "Nothing."

"Ready."Olivia walks in with a bowl of popcorn , a bottle of JD and three glasses.

I look at Doris. I would love a drink right now.

Olivia stands by the bed holding the items up. "Its apple juice. Just seeing the label and bottle helps. A girl can dream right."

"Give it." Dory takes the bottle taking at big swig then grimacing. "That's pure syrup."

Olivia jumps onto the bed.

"Our deal still stand even if you two are not together."

"Okay." Olivia settles between us.

"I'm serious Olivia." Doris takes the bottle out of her hands. "I swear I'll have you committed if you don't continue to go to therapy."

"Okay, I promise." Olivia passes me a glass.

Dory pours all of us a good amount.

"Cheers," Olivia holds up her glass. "To getting what we all deserve."

"I'll drink to that."

NATALIA

I couldn't leave it like Olivia left it. I have to talk to her.

I have Emma in tow. I was going to drop her off at the daycare but I had to stop here first. I have to see her and tell her I wasn't talking to Danny.

I wasn't until I woke up that I noticed how it might have sounded to her. I need to tell her she was wrong. I'm not in love with Danny, I love her.

"Mama!" Emma pulls her hand out of mine. "My hand hurts."

"I'm sorry baby." I pick her up. "Mama is so sorry, for everything."

"For making mommy cry?"

"Yes baby, I made mommy cry and that makes me want to cry." I hug her to me.

Emma kisses my cheek and pats my head. "Feel better?"

"Yes baby that always makes me felt better."

The elevator opens and I sit Emma on her feet. She runs into the spare bedroom.

I swallow my pride and straighten my back. We need this. I stroll into the bedroom and the sight pushes the air out of my chest.

Olivia is lying in Doris's arms her head buried in her chest. A chest that is only covered by a bra no shirt. Rodney is behind Olivia with his arms around both women. Apparently his shirt has walked away too. Olivia has a shirt but no pants, but in her hand she loosely grips a bottle of Jack Daniels. Three cups sit on the night stand.

If this how she going to spend her days, fine. She can drink her life away. I don't have to have a front row seat.

I walk out find Emma watching television. "Emma lets go."

"But what about mommy?" Emma turns the television off taking my hand.

I don't answer as we step onto the elevator. I don't know.

OLIVIA

Another hour of sitting in the cold office staring out the window sounds like a blast. But that's how much time is left.

"So we have another hour left."

"Don't remind me."

"Sorry but I must." He shrugs his shoulders. "I think you know what that means." John stretches his leg out placing it back on his knee.

"How can you sit like that for so long?"

"Let's not change the subject. Let's talk about how you've been sleeping?"

"Fine, I guess fine but the dream seems to be none stop."

"Same one?"

"Yea, it's the same one."

"Okay tell me what you remember from last night."

Last night was horrible, I woke up sweating with the taste of vomit in my mouth. I'm pretty sure I was screaming before I woke up. Doris and Rodney helped me until I fell back to sleep. They're the only reason I haven't relapsed. The urge to drink is strong even if it's just to pass out.

"Um it was dark like usual. Although I could see the room pretty well everyone were still shadows mostly. They never stopped moving long enough to for me to get a good look at them." My throat suddenly becomes dry and tight. "Something or someone was holding me down and I felt the weight of someone on top of me until I can't breathe."

Even in my sleep I feel the sheer terror and panic burning my lungs.

"Take a breath."

I realize I'm starting to hyperventilate.

"Breathe slowly."

I try to concentrate on blowing air in and out.

"Better?"

"If you say so." I take a sip out of the glass in from of me.

"Continue when you are ready."

"All I can remember is being held down and out of nowhere Natalia is there looking at me. She's hovering over us. I try to cover my body from her but I can't move my arms or legs. I want to say something but my voice is gone. Then I can't see anything. And all I can think of is how disappointed she must be."

"What happens next?"

"The pressure on my chest gets heavier but I can't see who's holding me down."

"Do they say anything?"

"No but that scares me to the core. I beg them not to… I beg them. It happens every night they don't stop, they don't." I wish it would rain right now.

"Okay, that's good. And I think I have a solution for you."

"I didn't know dreams had solutions."

"Some do and I think yours does. This particular dream didn't come about until you and Natalia started acting out your fantasies, correct."

"She was in them."

"Okay so what I want you to do is to think about your dream before you go to sleep."

"I'll never get to sleep."

"You will it will just take time. Anyhow I want you think about it before you sleep. The first time you see Natalia I want you to scream the first thing that comes to your mind, even if you feel like you can't talk I want you to try to scream. While you are thinking I also want you to think about what it is that you are trying to say but can't."

"I don't understand how I can control my dream. If that were the case I wouldn't be having this dream in the first place."

"It's your mind conjuring these things. It's your dream so take control of it."

"That is your solution! Take control of my dream!"

"Yes, what did you expect?"

"I don't know."

"The simple answer is usually the right answer."

"Simple."I mumble it under my breath. Keeping it simple is hard.

Rafe

Brittany was right. I shouldn't have said anything to Ma. Even when she was unhappy with Olivia she wasn't this sad. She hardy says anything. Not even Danny can cheer her up.

I'm starting to hate him too. Just yesterday I had to cuss his out because he tried to spank Emma. No one is touching my sister. It don't matter what she did to his car. Fuck his car.

I wish I would have taken a picture of his face when I told him to go fuck himself. It was priceless.

Olivia would have done the same thing. She would have cussed his out good, made him cry.

"Hey Rafe!" Emma skips into my room even thought I've told her so many times she can't some in.

"Get out." I point to the door.

"No." She smile holding onto her doll.

"I'm serious Emma. Brit is going to call me and I don't want you in here, now get out."

"But I want you to call Mommy for me."

"Why? She left us. She don't like us and she ain't coming back."

Emma immediately starts to cry. Dad wouldn't take this type of shit. She would straighten her out. There's no whining in life.

"Stop crying." I watch her in disgust. "Stop fucking crying already." I scream in her face. "If our dad were here he would fucking kill you. You can't keep crying over everything. Be a man."

Emma starts to cry louder. I cover her mouth with my hand. "I'm serious."

She slowly nods. I move my hand pushing her towards the door.

"Who is he?"

"What?"

"Our dad?"

"He was an asshole who hit our Ma until Olivia shot him in the face."

"Nuh uh."
"Yea I was there she shot him in the face for crying and if you keep on she'll do the same to you."

"I'm telling!"

Before she makes it out of the door I snatch her doll. She stops dead in her track. "Give it back."

I tear the head of the doll half way off its shoulder watching her face drop. I push it into her arms. "If you say anything about me I'll kill all your dolls and burn them." I push her out the door and slam it in her face.

Fuck! I shouldn't have done that, it's not her fault Olivia's an asshole. None of this would have happened if she wouldn't have made me go to camp. I wouldn't have let her go with Aunt Doris or that asshole Rodney. None of it would have happened it I was here.

My phones rings and I pick it up immediately. "What'd you find?" I jump on to my bed lying down with my hand behind my head.

"You sure you want to know it pretty messed."

"Come on Brittany stop playing and just tell me what you found out."

"I went through Lindsey's file and saw that Olivia was…raped."

"What!" No way. Olivia wouldn't take that shit.

"In college, some guy drugged and raped her and then he turned up dead."

Fuck what the hell is going on! No body told me anything. "What about what Daisy said?"

"I didn't see anything but I heard Jaime and Lindsey talking. I think it was pretty bad. If she didn't die she came damn close from a drug overdose."

"You think she was mad…"

"Mad at what?"

Me. I should have stayed. She wanted me to stay instead I had to go to camp. If I would have stayed she would've been okay.

"Maybe she had a flashback."

"A flashback?" Maybe she's right. Ma is always kissing on Olivia. Maybe she wants sex and Olivia doesn't. I should have run interference.

"PTSD."

"I'll call you back." I walk out of my room to Emma's. I always promised Olivia o would take care of her. "Emma?"

She jumps off her bed running to her dolls to protect them.

"Naw, naw. I just came to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you or hurt Susie."

She looks up at me not believing me.

"For real. I'm sorry." I hold my arms outs and she hugs me.

"Didn't Mommy kill our daddy?"

I kneel down to get eye level with her. "No but he real did hit Ma and made her cry all the time. Olivia saved us. She saved you when I couldn't."

"How?"

"I'll tell you one day but for now we got to stick together. Me and you."

"Okay."

I don't know how she can forgive so fast. I'd fucking kill someone if they broke my shit. "Here." I take Susie. "I'll fix her and I'll buy you some clothes for her."

"Will you play with me too?"

"Yea but only for a few minute I got some stuff to do later."

"I love you." She hugs me again.

"Yea yea yea. Come on."

"Let's play hide and go seek."

"Fine." I put my hands over my eyes. "One, two, three." She takes off running but she's easy to find with al her giggling and laughing.

OLIVIA

I've been pacing outside of Dr. Baker's office for the better half of an hour just trying to figure out how to say three simple words. The shortest sentences are the hardest to say.

I'm so used to hearing them directed at me, it's going to be hard to articulate them. They sound foreign even in my head.

I might as well get this over with at least he has helped me. I didn't lose any money nor did I lose any sleep. As a matter of fact I think last night was the first night in a week I've slept through the night.

FUCK! I'm already 30 minutes late.

I walk into Dr. Baker's office head held high.

"You're late."

"You were right." I blurt out plopping down on the couch.

His head snaps up from his paperwork with a wide grin showing his missing molar. "Come again."

"You heard me."

"But just like you I need to hear it again." He cups his hand behind his ear. "Say it in my good ear."

Fucking asshole. "You…were…right."

"Ah, it's like a soothing melody."

"Asshole."

"Hm. So tell me what I was right about." He leans back in his office chair.

He has the nerve to gloat and he doesn't even know what he was right about. Asshole. "The dream."

"So you took control."

"I don't know about taking control but I was able to finally speak."

"What did you say, but start from the beginning."

"Well it started the same." I'm so excited I can't even stay still. This day just keeps getting better. "I'm being held down then I see Natalia so I close my eyes and just screamed and it was like I heard my voice for the first time."

"What did you hear?"

There is the kicker, I expected a 'help me' or a loud 'no' but none of the above was said, "I trust you."

John smiles, nodding his head. "Keep going."

"I felt it clear as day, she put something in my hand."

"What was it?"

"It was a key, like a small key."

"That's good."

"I looked up and saw I was cuffed so I undid the cuffs and she helped me up."

"So what did you take from that dream."

"Once again you were right." I roll my eyes. "I have been distrusting of her. Just maybe it means I've been hesitant to ask for help and even more so with Natalia, because, if I stretch my imagination, I'd have to say I haven't been completely honest with her, which she probably knows."

"Right."

"It very well might be the reason she feels that she can't trust me beside all the lies I've told already."

"Good."

"Bottom line, I should trust her more with my thought and feelings."

"Correct, I would clap for you but I've been telling you this since we met and I'm sure she has hit on the same subject so it is nice of you to catch up with the rest of us."

"You're mean."

"You're not paying me to be your friend."

"I'm not paying you at all."

"Correct again." He touches his nose with his index finger.

"But when I think about it…"

"No don't think about it. The number one problem I see in your relationship is trust. You don't trust her enough not to look down on you if she knows your past. She might not trust you because you don't tell her everything. She knows you tell Doris and Rodney everything but she is left to sit and wait until you deem it necessary."

"No I just want to fix it first so she doesn't have to worry about it. She already has so much on her plate."

"I'm sure you've convinced yourself of that statement but that is not the truth and you know it. What is it going to take for you to trust her?"

I think about the question for a second. "What would it take?" I've think I've taken great steps to let her into my mind. "I invited her to my meeting in which she stood me."

"Okay so you let down your guard just a little and it backfired."

"I wanted to tell her then."

"Why?"

"Because I knew if I didn't we wouldn't make it and we didn't."

"That's because you walked out."

"Because if I had stayed it would have gotten worse. She wasn't happy. I tried but it didn't work and I didn't want her to feel trapped with me like she did with Nicholas. So I left."

"Do you know why she might have felt trapped?'

"Because of my actions. I flinch when she touches me, I wake her up in the middle of the night, I'm constantly crying, for god sakes I'm seeing two therapists and I'm still no better."

"She doesn't have many options."

"That's why I left."

"Leaving her with fewer options."

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

"She can't read your mind so she relies on you to tell her what you want and how you feel about any and everything."

"But I don't know what I want sometimes. That's why I keep it to myself until I can figure it out, like now I don't know if I want sex or just a kiss. I don't know if I want to just cuddle or something more and every time I do think I want more…" My voice cracks and catches. It so frustrating to try to say these things I cry just thinking about it.

"Voice it."

"I get anxious."

"Of what?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do. If you can't tell me in the privacy of our sessions then how are you going to tell Natalia? How do you expect her to know?"

"I know I need to tell Natalia, I know that. The first step is admitting it to myself."

"Say it out loud."

Every muscle in my jaw begins to tighten in rebellion. Since I joined the Wolfe Pack the number one no no in life was to admit fear.

"It might make you feel better."

The nerve under my eye begins to jump in anticipation.

"Fear is to be conquered."

The tears begin to sting the back of my eye.

"I know Natalia believes in you or she wouldn't have stuck around so long."

"I'm afraid…if I say no she might not stop and…"

"And?"

"I wouldn't hurt Natalia, I couldn't."

"The flip side to that is?"

The flip side? The other side of a two way mirror. "I might enjoy it."

"Good." John sits back almost too satisfied with himself.

I feel like is should receive a cookie or some treat. "Good? How is that in anyway, shape or form good? I'm scared of my own wife."

"Because now we can discuss the difference."

"I know the difference."
" But do you understand it."

"I'm not stupid I know and understand the difference."

"I can see you are getting defensive so take a second."

"Fuck you."

"Building walls is constrictive not constructive. Now listen close while I explain this to you then you can go."

"What?"

"Being excited about sexual play that includes restraints is not the same as wanting to be assaulted."

I simply look away. Feels the same.

"I'm going to give you a little homework."

"You know I'm spending the weekend with my children."

"It won't take too long. When you see Natalia I want you to apologize for not trusting her. Then I want you to show her all the things you've been doing to stay clean, sign–in sheets, drug test, and certificates."

"I've tried but she won't even stop to listen or look at my certificates."

"Try harder. You can get all of this today so you can show her when she drops your children off. After that I want you to let her speak without interruptions or explanations from you. You show you trust her by following her lead. And trust that after she has said what she needs to say and you voice your fear, trust that she will be there and not judge you."

"I do."

"You don't but I believe after you talk you will be a step closer. And from what I gather her support won't wavered much."

"I know but…"

"You and I both know that a mind altered by drugs and alcohol can perceive simple gestures as threatening."

"Yea."

"So I want you to try and think back to everything she did during your relapse and compare them to how it felt then and how it might have felt if you were sober. I want all this in the form of a letter, explaining it and how you felt and feel now." John scribbles in his notebook. "Include copies of you progress. That way when she's ready she'll understand."

"That's a big assignment."

"It is but it will clear the majority of your problems."

"To just trust Natalia."

"Trust in yourself and your wife."

"Thank you."

"Let's move on to your arrangement with Natalia."

"We talked on the phone yesterday. She's going to let me keep Rafe and Emma on the weekends."

"That's good. Small steps. Use this weekend to reconnect with the people who have also been affected and might not understand it all."

"I plan to. I really want to talk to Rafe. I realize I have been neglecting him in this whole situation. We used to spend some much time together. I miss that."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it. A little alone time can help a lot."

I wonder if I did the right thing, because it doesn't feel like it. I hope a little space will help Natalia. This little space is killing me.

Right now I have to focus on getting better and Rafe and Emma. Hopefully Rafe will somewhat understand and if he doesn't this weekend will be good for us to talk. It would be nice not to have him on Danny's side even if he isn't on mine.

There they go!

Natalia's car is pulls up in front of the hotel as soon as she gets out of the car I want to run to her. I want to hug her, I want to beg to come back home. I want to beg for her forgiveness and promise I'll never leave the house if she doesn't want me to. I can't make those promises because I know I'll just break them. Especially if nothing has changed between us. Empty promises are a thing of the past. I'm committed to fixing me so I can be the best thing for her and our kids, not some drugged up whore.

I stand anxious with the letter in my hand. This is everything, hopefully she'll understand and it will open the door to us talking again.

Natalia gets Emma out of the car before coaxing Rafe out too.

He doesn't look happy and I can't blame him. As far as he knows I abandoned them to live at my hotel.

I am confident I can change that in the next two days. I have movies, popcorn, pizzas and games ready for an all night party.

Emma tries her hardest to push open the heavy glass door. Natalia helps her, letting her think she did it on her own.

As soon as she is clear of the door Emma runs full speed jumping into my arms.

"Bear hug!" She screams in my ear.

I squeeze my youngest child to my chest until I can't breathe. I really think I could cry right now. "I missed you."

"I love you." Emma clutches to me as I settle her on my hip.

"How are you doing Rafe?"

"Fine." He shuffles over to where we are standing slumped over.

"Okay." I put Emma on the floor. "Why don't you take Emma upstairs and get settled in. I have a lot of things planned for us this weekend." I try to sound enthusiastic maybe it will rub off on him.

Rafe just rolls his eyes before taking his sister's hand.

I wait until they are safely on the elevator before turning back to Natalia.

Dr. John was right. I need to show Natalia I trust her. The second best way to do that is to tell her. I need to let her know I will follow her lead and trust she will guide us in the right direction.

"Emma has a rash on her arm, so make sure she doesn't scratch it. Her cream is in her backpack. And make sure they eat their vegetables." Natalia rambles looking at the floor then out side.

"Sure." We both stand not sure what to say to one another.

"You want to stay for a little while. I have plenty of food ordered and some games upstairs."

"I can't I'm having dinner with someone."

"Oh." My heart drops at the thought of her actually going out with Danny on a real date. I know I told her to do it, I was hoping she wouldn't.

A flash of guilt plays across her features, maybe there is still hope. "Well…have fun. I'll be back Sunday at 5."

"I'll call you tonight so they can say goodnight." If the date goes too well maybe they'll interrupt something. With any luck there won't be anything to interrupt.

"That would be great. Thank you." Natalia shifts to her other foot.

"I don't want this to be awkward and I feel like the longer I wait the more we drift apart. So I wrote this letter for you explaining a lot. I understand if you don't want to read it now but it might shine some light on things." I hand her the letter. "And I want you to know I still love you but I know you need-" Before I can finish my babble Natalia is kissing me and not just any kiss, full tongue.

I take hold of her to balance myself. Her hands tangle in my hair pulling me closer.

As suddenly as it started it ends. Natalia pulls out of my grip. She clears her throat, back peddling.

"5 Sunday." She turns around walking quickly out of the doors.

What the hell was that? What ever it was I want more. I want more? I want more. Wow. I want more and there is not feeling of guilt or shame. Natalia kissed me and I didn't have any flash backs or even hesitate to let her. All those feelings of humiliation and weakness have mostly been associated with not trusting my own wife to respect the word no, because no one else does. That's another break through but today was good. Things are really looking up.

I just know when she reads that letter everything will fall into place. She'll know why and how and I'll have opened myself up to her even if it wasn't in person.

I try to gather myself on the ride upstairs.

I guess it means something when I am feeling these things for Natalia with just a kiss. There is hope for us to have a normal relationship that could maybe involve sex. Hell maybe Natalia is the cure for all my fears. Just knowing I can give her control and still have it is…god I can't even describe how I feel just thinking about it. To actually do it, right now I think I could. I could let her take the lead and have the control over me and not feel dirty or helpless, because I know she would stop, she would be there for me in the morning if any old feeling would arise.

Trust something I've always have problems with, I'm finally seeing it for what it is. I could totally do this trust thing.

NATALIA

I walk into Lindsey's office for our scheduled dinner. This is the first night Rafe and Emma will be spending with Olivia. I need to get out a little to clear my mind, what better way than to go out with friends. That's was newly single women do, right?

"Hi, Cathy." I wave at her receptionist.

I continue into her office going straight to my favorite chaise. "How was your day?"

"Unusually smooth." Lindsey leans back in her office chair staring at me.

"That's good." I relax back trying not to look her in the eyes. The way she is looking at me is unsettling.

"I can't go to dinner with you."

That's not what I expected to hear nevertheless I don't like it. "Why didn't you say something earlier?"

"Because." Lindsey gets up walking around her desk. "I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?" I sit up knowing exactly where this conversation is going.

"You think I'm a good friend. Do you trust my judgments?"

"Of course, you and Blake are my best friends." I feel like this is the 'it's me not you' speech. I can't take another break up.

"I want you to listen to me." She sits on the edge of her desk. "I have sitting by for three months while you self destruct your relationship with Olivia."

"Lindsey, please." With what just happen I don't have the energy for this conversation.

"No Natalia. I can't stand by silent any longer."

I stand up holding my hand up in surrender. "Lindsey please Olivia just moved out and I just drop our kids off to spend the weekend with her. So what ever you have to say can wait for another day."

"And why do you think she did that?"

"You think I wanted her to move out! You think that was my plan?"

"You didn't exactly do much to stop her."

"Oh so it my fault, you know I'm getting really tired of everyone telling me what I need to do and how this is my fault."

"Then why don't you stop playing the victim."

"Victim?"

"I'm sorry I didn't mean that." Lindsey holds up her hand in surrender.

"No Lindsey, explain to me how I am playing the victim card."

She stays silent.

"As far as I am concerned I'm the only one that is trying to find some sort of normalcy. I've been trying to move past this, to forgive and forget."

"Is that what you call this little act? It certainly doesn't look like forgive and forget, it seems more like avoidance."

"Yes at first but that was only until I was sure."

"Sure about what?"

I roll my eyes at Lindsey. I don't even know why I am still here arguing with my best friend about my wife.

"If its not avoidance why didn't you go to Olivia's meeting like I told you to. Why couldn't you seem to make it home on time? Why on God's green Earth do you have to be out of the bed before she even knows you're there? Why Natalia!"

"I told you I wasn't sure!" I yell back at her turning from her.

"Sure about what?'

"I wasn't sure I could handle it." I feel Lindsey's eyes burning a hole through my back pleading for me to continue. "I wasn't sure what I was feeling or who I hated more, myself or Olivia. And then she left and I realized I never hated Olivia; I just didn't like the things she did. So I realized it was me with the problem. I had a moment of truth when I was begging Olivia to stay. I asked myself why in the world I would beg her to stay after this summer. I couldn't for the life of me find an answer but I knew at that moment it didn't matter." I laugh at myself; I have to laugh to keep from crying. "It wouldn't have mattered if Olivia had hit me, it wouldn't have mattered if I had caught her with Lily, because truthfully I would still have taken her back. And I thought to myself how pathetic is that that Olivia could turn into Nicky and I would still want to be with her. My breath would still catch when she's close to me. I would still go home everyday even if it meant being abused or if she continued to use drugs and drink. That was all I could think about was how whatever Olivia did I would probably stay with her. How can I tell these women that look up to me that they deserve better when I am willing to stay with a woman who is on this cycle of drugs and drinking. How could I possibly tell them to leave when I won't?"

"Oh sweetie."

"NO." I hold me hands up to stop Lindsey from approaching. "That's what I wanted to be sure of. I wanted to protect myself but I couldn't keep those walls up and I'm so scared this cycle is going to continue. And what do I tell Rafe and Emma. There will come a time when Emma will understand everything. They are going to ask question and I don't know what to say. All I know is, I love Olivia and I want to be with her but I don't know if I should. But I feel like an asshole because I still want her, even went my heart is not in it my body aches for her."

"That's okay Natalia. You don't have all the answers. All you can do is try finding some guidance, but this avoidance and whatever else is not going to work." She puts her hand on my shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze. "I know it's frustrating but the worst thing you can do right now is make a permanent decision."

"You're right I need to sit down with Olivia. I need to see her while I feel like talking. I forgot to give Emma her blanket anyway."

"No you don't, not until you have calmed down and started to sort through some of your feeling a little more. Everyone is emotional right now and I know it's going to sound crazy but I want you to go home to be by yourself. I don't want you to talk to Olivia or see her."

"I feel fine."

"Don't lie to yourself."

"Fine I'm not okay. I want Olivia back and at the same time I don't. I want to know something concrete. I want to know if we should be together or just let it go."

"Exactly you need to think things through so you can uncomplicated it for yourself with out influence. You come up with the answer not Olivia."

"She was the one who said it was over and maybe that is a good things that she took it out of my hands because I don't think I would have ever done it."

"But is that what you wanted?"

"Yes…no. She was right, I wasn't happy. She wasn't happy. Then again I felt better when she was around, even if we weren't talking or when I held her at night. Anytime I didn't think about it, it was like old times."

"That's what you want?"

"Of course but I can't deny the fact that Olivia cheated with those woman. Do you know just how many times I've listened to those messages from Cindy, Rachel, Ashley, Jessica, Kennedy, Tara and Beverly?"

"Natalia calm down."

"No Lindsey she cheated on me then yelled at me and there was nothing I could do. Do you know how that made me feel? I felt worthless, like some plaything. Who knows what if we get back together and she does it again. She knows. She even told me I wasn't going to leave her and she was right. She probably already knows she can do just about anything and I'll still be there."

"She was probably high."

"It doesn't matter, it's the truth and it hurts that she was used that against me."

"Natalia."

"No you wanted to talk so let's talk. I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner even when in the back of my mind I knew. I knew something was wrong and I wanted so much to believe Olivia that I shut off my rational side."

"Don't. Like I said I know you are mad and you feel like you don't have much control over your relationship but what you are doing is not going to help."

"I know."

"Then try something else. Don't be so stubborn that you wait until everything is gone before you act. If you were anyone else I would have my doubts about you being able to change but you aren't. I know you can break this stalemate and be the bigger person."

"I have to go."
"Natalia please think about this."

"I am, goodbye." I walk out of her office on fire. It one of those moment when I just want to hurt something. I want to stop this merry go round of emotions. I want my life back or to start again.

Maybe Olivia was right. Maybe I should try with Danny, but I know that would be just to spite her. That wouldn't be fair to Danny and it would hurt her which would hurt me.

It always comes back to Olivia. She is the reason I feel this way and refuses to tell me why.

That isn't fair to me.

OLIVIA
So things aren't progressing as fast as I would have liked. I expected this from the beginning. I can't believe I was so wrapped up in myself to that it took me so long to realize what I needed to do.

I need to focus on all my relationships especially the ones with my children.

All day Rafe has barely spoken three words time. Everything is a grunt or a shoulder shrugs. But that changes right now.

If I could just figure out what his is angrier about; me relapsing, missing his parents day at camp, me coming back, or me moving out. It's a long list of me fucking up in his eyes.

Then again I might be putting too much on his shoulders. He is a child he might not even know what to be angry about he just know he's angry.

Then again I might be underestimating him. He has to have heard the rumors or the arguments. He's not Emma, he would understand why his Ma was sad. He would know that his life, family and happiness were broken because of my irresponsibility. He has to know I have an addiction that has torn all of our lives apart.

The least I can do is talk to him like he is an adult.

The worst that could happen is him still hating me. And if he still wants to go home I won't stop him. If he hears both sides of the story and still feels the same way then I won't make him spend time with me if he doesn't want to. I understand he will probably be angry for some time, hopefully we'll be able to resume a part of the relationship that we had.

With Emma already down and Rodney gone I let Rafe stay up a little later then usual.

I'm not nervous just well…nervous. Since I first meet Rafe he has been my shadow and now I don't know if our relationship can withstand my mistakes and his angst years.

I enter the living room where Rafe is still watching cartoons. I can tell he is trying hard not to look in my direction.

I sit down on the other side of the couch. We remain quiet for the rest of the cartoon in which I have no ideal what is going on.

It looks like another episode is about to come on but I cut the television off if only to stop myself from having a seizure from the explosions and colors.

Rafe starts to get off the couch.

"Sit down." I order him instead of asking.

He huffs, puffing out his small chest before plopping back onto the couch. He hangs his head with a deep frown on his face.

"Look at me."

He glances at me out the side of his eyes.

"I want to talk to you about what's been going on with this family." I turn facing him. "I realized that I haven't taken the time to sit down and explain things. I understand if you have questions or concerns. All this is happening pretty fast."

He remains quiet his fist balled by his leg.

"Okay so I'll talk, you listen." I clear my throat wondering just how much I should reveal. "Well I um…As you may know I have a drug problem. I quit but while you were away I relapsed. I did them again. It wasn't anyone's fault especially not yours or your mothers or Emma's. It was mine. I let my addiction take control of my life and that kept me from doing what I was supposed to do. And I'm sorry."

He leans back staring at the blank television.

"I was very sick and I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to come see you at camp. I know it must have been a shock when you came home and I wasn't there."

He finally turns looking at me with tears in his eyes. "Didn't care."

I let it roll off my back. I can remember I said the same thing to people at that age who tried to help me. "I want you to know that I'm better now and that you will always be my son. I will always love you, even if you decide you want nothing to do with me. I understand if you want to go home, I won't stop you."

He looks off for a split second sitting up straight.

"I realized that you are growing up and you might hear and understand things that might be upsetting." I pause for a response. "So if you have any questions you want to ask or just tell me how you feel about everything I'm listening. Go ahead and vent."

The first tear rolls down his face.

"Rafe if there is anything-" Before I can finish Rafe jumps in my lap wrapping his arms around my neck so tight I can't breathe.

"Rafe, son." I try to pry his arms loose, only managing to loosen his hold.

"No." His hold tightens again. "Daisy said you died." He cries into my ear.

"Wait, wait." I finally get some room between us still keeping him in my arms, obviously he needs this. "Who said what?"

Rafe lays his head in the crook of my neck mumbling. "Daisy said you died and it was my fault and Ma wouldn't say why you didn't come to camp."

I hold him while he cries until I'm sure he's done.

"Rafe." I pull off my shoulder. "I was sick and I was in the hospital but it had nothing to do with you or your mother." I don't know how to explain it to him. "As you may have heard I have a problem with drugs."

He nods his head.

"I had to go to the hospital for retreatment but I felt like I would do better at a previous place I got better at. That's why I went away. I went away to get better for you and your mother. One day I'll tell you all about it but now let's just say I over did it."

"But you didn't answer my calls."

I decide to lie because half of the time was my fault and the other was Doris's. She knew I couldn't talk them and she kept me away from the phone. "I couldn't, there you can't have any visitors or calls because the people there don't think it will help in recovery."

"Like that show rehab?"

"Yes." I wrap my arm around his shoulder. "I would do anything to go back in time but I can't. All I can do now is say I am sorry, which I am." I look him in his brown eyes. "I am so sorry that I messed up your summer and I'm even sorrier that you had to go through this. I still love you and you're still my son."

He leans against me in silence. "I'm sorry I broke you and Ma up."

I squeeze his growing shoulders. "You didn't Rafe I did that all by myself and I don't want you to worry about your Ma and I. We'll work it out sooner or later and if we don't just know that we love you all the same."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you start again?"

I clear my throat. "In my past…I was raped."

He bolts up looking at me in horror.

"I was…" I swallow the huge lump in my throat. "Someone raped me and something made me think about it while you and you're mother were away and I couldn't cope so I started to take drugs again." As bad as that felt I don't know why I couldn't do that with Natalia too.

"I'm sorry." He puts his head in my lap.

"Me too." I comb my finger though his thick hair, it doesn't take long before he's asleep. Some how I manage to cradle him in my arms and put him into bed, but my back and shoulders pay the price. I guess that the last time I get to do that.

NATALIA

I don't know what I'm doing here, I honestly don't. I promised myself I wouldn't come here not like this not when I want something that I can't have, that I shouldn't have. But here I am standing in the lobby of her hotel holding Emma's favorite blanket that she left at home.

Sometimes she won't sleep without it.

I glance at my watch again. God its 2 a.m. on a Saturday night I should be sleep, yet I'm here. I know if Emma wasn't sleep by now Olivia would have called me to bring the stupid blanket, but than again we haven't been on the best terms.

I take a deep breathe fully intending on turning around and going home, anywhere but here, instead I find myself watching the doors of the elevator close. I see my hand punch in the code for the penthouse.

I clutch the blanket closer to my chest. This is stupid and wrong. I shouldn't be here. The kids are fine with Olivia for two nights without my having to check up on them.

I'll just give Olivia the blanket just in case Emma wakes up in the middle of the night needing it. It's happened before and it could happen again. It would be irresponsible as a person and a mother not to deliver my baby's blanket. Just because she spent the first night without it doesn't mean she won't need it tonight.

The elevator moves faster than I've ever felt it. Before I know it the doors are opening back up.

I take a step off noting the messiness of the living room. There is popcorn everywhere and game cases thrown over everything. Soda cans and pizza boxes litter the floor.

"Natalia?" Olivia steps out the master bedroom, her hair disheveled and her pajamas wrinkled.

"Hi."

She perks up immediately waking herself up. In a few stride she across the room standing in front of me. I don't know if she is trying to hide the mess or what. "Um, what are you doing here, is everything okay?"

Is everything okay? Of course everything is not okay. I had to drop my children off for a weekend visit with my ex wife who seems to think it is okay for them to party all night on soda and pizza when she knows I have been trying my darnest to instill in them a healthy diet. I just drove 20 minutes to give my daughter a blanket that I know she probably won't need. Before that I was sitting in my house, the lovely house that we both picked out thinking about how lonely I am now that my wife is not there. And I thought about how lonely life is and how much worse it is going to get when Rafe moves out or Emma starts having sleepovers or camping trips with the girl scouts.

I want to scream the words at her; instead I take a calming breath. "Everything is fine I just came to give Emma her blanket just in case she couldn't sleep." I hold up the purple and sliver blanket.

"Oh, um , well thank you."

I pass her the blanket, feeling very out of place. This is her home now and they are her children too. Its weird how a few months ago everything was ours but now it mine or hers. Hers excludes me out of everything, and mine is everything except her.

I should go. I shouldn't have come here in the first place. It was only out of a moment of shame and pity for myself that I even got in the car to begin with.

"Good night." I say to her taking a step back. Lindsey told me about these moments and that the best thing for me to be is alone. So I'm going to go be alone so I can think clearly.

I turn away from her pressing the button franticly feeling Olivia still behind me.

"Wait."

I clench my jaw in an effort to make myself not turn around.

"Its kind of late you could stay here. I'll sleep on the couch."

"No thank you." It's like she is trying to tempt me to do the wrong thing. I'm trying to make this night right. I'm leaving because I never should have come here. So leave me alone.

"Maybe just coffee?" I feel my resolve break just a little at her childishly unsure voice because before I would have taken her in my arms and assured her she had nothing to worry about.

"I'm fine." Where the hell is the elevator?

"Your right, you should be trying to sleep not stay up, as a matter of fact I think am out of coffee anyway."She forces herself to laugh.

"Maybe a rain check." I hold the button down wishing and praying of this damn thing to show up.

"No I get it; you still can't stand being around me. I know but I wanted to let you know I'm doing so much better. Did you read the letter?"

I ignore the first part of her speech. I forgot about the letter, I don't even know where I put it. "Yes."

"Good, good." The drawers to the desk rattle behind me. "Look, I did everything you asked. I got my 60 and 90 day certificate for being clean. I have a copy of the sign-in sheet from my group meetings and my private sessions. I even have hospital records. I go for drug test; they even make me blow into the breathalyzer. They take hair and draw blood samples every week so I have proof. See."

I hear the paper crunch behind me.

"If you could give me a second so you can look at them…just one second, please."

I hear the tremble in her voice and instantly I know she is crying behind me because lately that is all we do around each other.

"I still love you. I've really missed you and I'm trying…for you, for us."

That's it. I twirl around so fast I almost lose my balance but I'm on a mission. I look into her watery eyes as she hugs the papers.

I know this is wrong; what I am about to do is wrong on so many levels but I need it. After all I think this is what I really came for…her.

"Olivia." I step so close to her we share the same air.

"Please, just look at them." She thrust the papers in my hand and for a second I pretend to read them, when really they're nothing but lines and doodles all swirling around on a white background. In the end I throw the papers to the side. I don't need to see them; I don't really care about them at the moment.

I place her arms around my neck sliding my hands around her waist.

She looks completely surprised, bewildered by my action and I have to say I am a little too. The voice that was yelling at me to leave is also stunned into silence. I hear it release a sad sigh before receding.

I need a few minute of uncomplicated time; just a few minutes of not thinking about emotions or past feelings. I don't want to think about the future or the past I just want now with the woman I swore to spend the rest of my life with. If I could just have that just for tonight I could think more clearly later. "Anytime I want?" I repeat her words from the past. I want to take them back when I see the hope multiple in her eyes.

With the widest smile I've seen in a while she nods her head, pulling me closer. I can feel her heart beating out of her chest. "I'm yours." The whisper is so soft against my lips it sends a shiver to through my body.

And that's when I feel it, the loathing for myself but as far as I'm concern we've crossed that line of no return. I can't stop myself if I wanted to, I do but I don't. I want to make her mine again. I want to take her right here and right now, but it's what comes after that is what I don't want. I'm not ready for us again. I can't promise her a lifetime. I can't promise anything after tonight.

I know I am going to hate myself even more in the morning as will she and maybe it's for the best. One last time to prove that it's over, break up sex. That's what I need, I need to fill her one last time. I need her to feel me one more time.

"Did you hear me?" She pulls back trying to look in my eyes, but I look away. "I'm yours."

I focus on the door to the room I know our children are sleeping, trying to talk reason to myself. But I can't, she's standing too close, my nerves are on edge and I think I might explode if I don't get what I want right now. So I pretend to be deaf. I don't hear what she has to say.

Instead I walk her backwards to the bedroom locking the door behind us. Slowly I lay her on the bed opening her shirt one button at a time. I lay down on top of her feeling her body mold into mine, so perfectly.

Her hand slips under my shirt pulling it over my head. "You're beautiful." She whispers tugging at my jeans. "I'm here with you." She says almost in awe.

Without thinking I shed the rest of my clothing pulling her pants down and throwing them where ever they may land.

As soon as our naked bodies touch she moans smiling up at me. I wonder if she would still be smiling if she knew what was going to happen in the morning. I wonder if she would agree to a night of meaningless sex with me just to… to what? Stroke my ego? Give me closure? To hurt her like she hurt me?

I worship her body like I always have inch by inch, stroke by stroke. Until I have her on the very edge of bliss. Her nails dig into my back as my hands play her like a fine tuned instrument.

I dip my finger into her warmth. As expected she tenses but only for second. I wait for some indication about where to go and to my surprise she looks at me with her eyes shining bright with unleashed tears saying the few words I can't bring myself to even think.

"I trust you." A nervous laugh fills the room. "I trust you."

I don't want her to trust me. She should know what's happening; what this is all about. She should hate me just as much as I hate myself. "Don't."

Before she can register the word I restart my ministration. I forego penetration simply creating different patterns stroking her unprotected sex. She hugs me closer to her body trapping my hand, making it very hard for me to control this.

She takes over from under me, bucking onto my hand.

I move with her as much as I can, searching out every spot on my neck to heighten her pleasure.

"Oh…god…baby…" She holds onto me tighter as if she knew I wouldn't be here in the morning. In seconds I feel the familiar quivering of her body under mine. I feel the uneven pants of lust brushing past my ear.

Never mind that now. I rise up to look at her. And nothing has changed. Her body tenses more as she looks at me with unfiltered emotions. The magnitude of love, fear, hope and admiration are still there, all staring at me.

I close my eyes blocking her out.

I wait for her orgasm to subside, before I roll off of her onto my back.

Her breaths still come out in fast pants filling the room with much needed noise. "God I needed that."

Could it have been that I've miss judged the situation. We are both adult with needs. I needed her and she needed me, nothing more nothing less. Of course she has love in her eyes. I still love her and she loves me. It will always be that way.

I smile inwardly, I'm not the only one in this for the release, but then my heart sinks at her next words.

"I love you." She rolls onto her side laying her head on my shoulder. I feel her smile in my shoulder before peppering it with butterfly kisses. "Before… I know I tried to force things but they feel right, right now. It feels right being here with you."

I don't want to hear this, nothing is right about this. Nothing is okay with this situation, not the picture or frame.

"I guess John was right." She drapes herself half over me. "When I think about how long it took, the letter-"

I block the rest of her words out, I feel bad enough without her digging deeper.

"Are you okay babe?" She props herself up on her elbow looking down at me.

No I'm not okay. I don't even know who I am anymore.

She runs her finger tips under my jaw igniting the flame of lust in me again. It's the one thing I can deal with right now. "Babe?"

"I'm fine." I roll her onto her back. "I'm fine." I descend her body. I don't want to hear another word or see another look. I want this, just tonight.

-00-

I look at the clock again. Just five minutes have passed since the last time I looked.

Olivia must feel me shift; she pulls me closer to her until every part of our body is touching.

She fell asleep about 30 minutes ago after 2 hours of non stop sex.

I think she realized I wasn't going to talk, so after awhile her rationalization of tonight stopped. But the looks never did; the smiling, the deep gaze nor the light touches.

She shifts again as I rise up to look at the clock just behind her on the nightstand.

It's almost 5. I know I need to go before she wakes up or heaven forbid Rafe or Emma wake up. It would only confuse them and her.

Just for a second I lay my head back down on our shared pillow watching her unguarded features. The lines in her face seemed to have vanished over night. The dark circles under her eyes have lessened and the total air of a broken woman has flown out the window.

I watched her drift off to sleep with a silly grin which is still plastered on her face. I can't help but smile too. She looks so peaceful.

Slowly I slide out of her embrace retrieving my clothing off the floor.

I wonder how this works. Should it be like the first time? Do I just leave or do I leave a note first? The note would probably be blank anyhow; I don't know what to say to easy the pain I know she will feel when she wakes up. I don't even know how I will face her this afternoon to pick up the kids.

I look at her one last time as she moves closer to where I once laid.

The distress lines are back on her face. I lean down kissing her forehead before easing out of the room, closing the door behind me.

I try to guide my way in the darken living room to the elevator. The only light is the small red light above and besides the doors.

I push the button; feeling like someone is chasing me. Any second Olivia could wake up. I don't think I have the patience or the strength to deal with this right now. Guess I should have thought about that last night.

Finally it opens up, but it isn't empty.

Rodney steps out with coffee and donuts in his arms. "Did you bother to leave a note?" His face is so smug. I've always known he was on Doris's side. This started because of him coming back in the first place. He gave her the drug I'm sure of it.

My mouth opens and closes as I try to find the right answer. The truth seems too harsh or I could lie. But then I would only be lying to myself.

"I guess that's a no." He turns on the lights sitting the items on the table.

"You don't understand." I don't need to explain my actions to anyone especially him. I try to maintain my dignity buttoning up my jeans and tucking my shirt.

"NO?" He sarcastically turns his eyes to the ceiling rubbing his chin. "Lets see. You weren't here when I left last night, you're leaving without even putting on your shoes and you smell like sex. God what am I missing?"

I want to say it not what he thinks but it is. I came here looking for comfort or some twisted version of closure and now I'm leaving. I'm leaving knowing the consequences of my actions. Maybe I don't know, Olivia could have come to the same conclusion last night, it's not like I promised her anything. I didn't.

I turn back to the closed elevator pressing the button again.

"You are a piece of work."

"Oh cut the crap, you can't judge me after waltzing back in her life."

"I know I fucked but she expects that from me!" His voice gets louder. "Not you."

I want to smack him, before anyone hears him.

I freeze at the sound of footsteps, but after a few seconds of silence I realize it is all in my paranoid mind.

"She is doing cart wheels up and down these streets just trying to get your attention. Everyday she gets test done, cries her heart out in therapy, for you!" He points at me with every word.

"I never asked for any of those things. I never promised her anything. My words were meant for her children." I argue back even thought I sounds weak in my own mind.

"Bullshit. You knew fully well she was banking on you. If you didn't you wouldn't be sneaking out. After all she isn't expecting you to be there when she wakes you so why sneak around. She doesn't call you 20 times a day so you can ignore her. She's not bending over backwards to please you so she get can be shut down and hurt all over again."

His words flare my temper. I'm so tired of everyone talking about how hurt Olivia is. "You don't think I'm hurting. You don't think this is affecting me too." I turn around pressing the button again.

"You sure can't tell the way you've been running around town with you boyfriend."

"Danny is a friend." I say through clenched teeth. "What about you? What is everything supposed to be perfect now that you three have decided to come back and welcome everyone into your little circle? Am I supposed to jump for joy every time one of you decides to pay me attention? It doesn't work like that."

"Whatever."

I shake my head cursing the elevator. "Olivia knows I didn't mean to hurt her, she knows that things are not fixed. Tonight was just us letting off steam if that is okay with you and Doris."

"Do me and everyone else a favor, don't come back. This little yo-yo string you got Olivia on isn't going to continue. So how about you make up your mind, you either want to try to work things out and really try or make a clean break and stop fucking with her."

The words are like a knife to my stomach. I wasn't planning on coming back, except we have children which could force me to come here everyday. And I'm not the one controlling the yo-yo, I don't know who is but I know I want the ride to stop.

The doors finally open.

"Oh and Dory is downstairs you better not let her see you."

"What!"

I cover my ear to protect them from Lindsey's screaming. She gets out of her chair walking around her desk standing in front of me. "I specifically told you not to do that."

"I know." I slump in my seat even more. The full effect of last night is just catching up with me even thought they have been crawling up my back for the last hour.

"God Natalia what is your problem? Why is it every time I tell you to do something you do the opposite and only succeed in making things worse?" Her finger shakes in mid air as her face turns an almost amusing color of red.

"What you don't think I feel bad enough Lindsey. I Do Okay!" I stand up from my chair. I don't even know why I came here. I can make myself feel like shit. "I know I messed up last night and I feel it here." I poke my chest. "All I can think about is how Olivia will wake up and I'm not there and how hurt she will be." The anger leaves me in a rush. I sink back into the chair. "I'm hurting because I hurt her and I don't know how to make it right. I know I can't give her what she wants and I know that that will hurt her even more."

"Then why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let her in again the same thing will happen. I'm scared that I've turned into some monster and I'm scared that no mater how much I want to walk away to protect myself I can't. I can't stand to see her hurting and that all I've been doing to her lately. I'm scared and I'm hurting. I just wanted a moment when I wasn't hurting or thinking so much." I try to reason with her and myself. "I wanted her, I want us, but I'm so scared I can't stop."

OLIVIA

"Emma, catch me now!"

The most wonderful, peaceful sleep I've had in a while is interrupted by the screaming of our two rambunctious children. I stretch out from under the covers feeling the most delicious ache between my legs that only a certain brunette can manage. I reach out and realize there is an empty spot beside me.

I bolt straight up looking at around the room of any sign of my wife. I look at the clock and it's already after seven.

I should have been up. I wonder why she didn't wake me so she can get to the shelter.

Oh I smell coffee and donuts.

I guess that healthy eating has disappeared for the weekend.

I find a pair of clean pajamas rushing into the bathroom. I feel almost giddy; I should have gotten up and cooked her breakfast or ordered it. Breakfast in bed sounds good. I wonder if I can coax her back into it for a few more hours. I need to brush my teeth and comb my hair. Oh god I look a mess. I need my make up on. I need a shower. There's so much I need do!

I swear I fix myself up in record time, 10 minutes at the most. Okay Olivia, look alive. This will be like the first time seeing each other. I put on my matching panties and bra, the one she likes. The bra that sit my breast right under my chin and a v neck shirt that hangs of my shoulders.

As soon as we get the kids downstairs I can thank her for a wonderful night.

I open the door just a little looking into the living room. "Natalia." I peek out a little more. "Natalia?" Still no answer. Come on baby I don't want to walk out half dressed in front of the kids. I move back into the room to find another shirt and pants. I guess Mickey mouse will have to do.

"Natalia?" The sight of Rodney reading the newspaper is not what I expected. I guess Natalia refrained from killing him in front of Rafe and Emma.

"Good morning sleepy head." Rodney says putting down the paper.

"Hi." I peek into the kitchen and guest room and still nothing.

"Looking for something?" Rodney smiles at me and it's kind of unsettling.

"I see someone cleaned up." Did I dream it? I sweep the room of any sign that Natalia was here. Emma's blanket is draped across the back of the couch. I didn't dream it so where is she?

"Just picked up a few things."

Rafe chases Emma into our room and back into theirs.

I wonder where she went. I wanted to snuggle with her some more.

"I hate Sundays." Rodney walks over to the table picking up the donut box. "If you don't get there at 3 a.m. all the good things are gone. But I did manage to some raspberry filled for you."

"It's Sunday!"

"Yea I just said that."

I should have known. Church, she must have gone to early morning service. Why didn't I think of that first? She must have left a note or something. I start my search for a note.

"What'cha looking for?" Rodney sits on the back of the couch.

"Have you seen a piece of paper, it might be small, with handwriting on it."

"Um, no. Why?"

I can't tell him just yet. We need to just be for a little while without the pressure from friends and family. Shit I can't tell him we made love last night, for sure he will tell Doris who will rip my head off. No we just need it to be us right now. Maybe go on a couple of dates first. "No reason really…" This thing has got me so mixed up I can't even think of a good lie.

"If you're looking for a note from Natalia you won't find it."

My head snaps up at his comment. "And why not?" He's dangerously close to being murdered.

"She didn't leave one."

My knees feel weak at the thought of what he is saying. I know Natalia; she would leave a note to let me know where she was going or when she would be back. Because she is coming back. She's coming back, I know it.

"I saw her leave this morning."

"When?" My throat feels impossibly dry at the moment. I can't even swallow.

"Around 5."

I shake my head not believing him. She wouldn't just leave. I know my own wife and we made real love for the first time since all of this happened. She wants me back, she said that much, I think. She has to after reading the letter she knows everything. "Where's my phone?"

"Olivia-" The sympathy in his voice is too much.

"Shut up!" I feel the all too familiar hot flash of tears starting to gather. I blindly retrieve my phone. No messages. I don't care. I know Natalia. I might have been wrong in the past but not about this. This I know, sex is not something she takes lightly. She said so; I remember she told me, promised me it would never just be sex no matter how bad it got. It's not just us using one another it would never be about that.

I call her phone waiting and waiting. After about 5 rings her voicemail picks up.

I hang up calling her again.

"Olivia."

"I said shut up." I turn away from him as Rafe and Emma run out of their room.

"Mom can I take Emma to the movie room." I can hear Rafe impatiently pushing the elevator button.

I try to keep my voice strong. "Yea, no scary movies."

"Yes ma'am."

The door opens and closes. I turn around to make sure they are gone, before I let every drop of water in my body out through my eyes. "She used me?"

"I'm sorry." Rodney pats my shoulder.

The next thing I know we're both sitting on the floor.

"Did she say anything before she left?" I pull myself out of his lap. "I mean she had to say something to you if she saw you before she left, right? Tell me what she said." I'm not sure I want to hear it or even if they talked about me. Maybe it was hi and bye. Or maybe they just threw little barbs at each other but I need to know if she thought about me before she left.

I see the gears in his mind turn over in full speed.

"Don't lie to me Rodney." I look him in the eyes pleading for anything to hold on to. Anything but a lie. I would rather hear the truth now.

"Um, she said she had an emer-"

"Don't." I cut him off. "Please."

His breaths come harder as he tries to think of something else to make up.

"I trust you more that I trust myself so please don't be the second person to let me down this morning."

He huffs pulling my hands into his larger ones. "She said last night didn't change how she felt."

The air suddenly catches in my chest. How does she feel? Does she still hate me?

"She said she just needed to blow off some steam and that it didn't mean anything."

I snatch my hands away. "You're lying." I protest even though I can see the truth in his eyes.

"But she said she didn't mean to hurt you."

I shake my head trying my hardest not to cry at the sudden realization. Natalia has turned into every other lover I have ever had. She used me now she doesn't want me. I bet if it weren't for Rafe and Emma she probably wouldn't have stayed around this long.

I stare at Rodney out the side of my eye. "I think I'm going to be sick." My stomach churns at the thought of the words I said last night. Another night of making myself look stupid. I told her I loved her, everything felt so right. I should have known, she never said the words back, in reality she never said anything. "She played me."

"What'd you say?"

"She played with me. I told her that I trusted her and she played with me to get what she wanted." The sour taste of being powerless, of being conquered and defeated crawls into my throat. I stand up running to the bathroom. The food from last night all comes up blendered into the toilet.

"You okay?"

I pull away from Rodney sitting back against the cool wall of the tub. I can't believe him. Why would she do that to me? Natalia wouldn't, she promised. For every promise I broke not once has she used me. She wouldn't start now for what, sex. What is one night of pleasure compared to a lifetime? No she wouldn't fuck and leave.

He doesn't argue but a small smirk appears.

"Natalia wouldn't do something like that."

"Hell Olivia it's what she did when you first met, right?"

"NO! We had a connection that we both acted on and it led us to a prefect marriage that I screwed up, but she wouldn't do something like that, she promised." I use the side of the tub to stand up. "You'll see when she comes tonight. There will be an explanation for all of this and you'll see." I step over Rodney's outstretched legs to the mirror.

"Where are you going?"

"To watch a movie with my children before they have to go home." I wash my face and fix my hair. "Natalia's going to prove you wrong. You'll see she'll come this afternoon and tell you herself. She wants me back, me! She doesn't want sex." I wipe a few tears away. "She came to me. She read my letter, looked at my papers, and she came to me. You just wait and see. She'll be here to make everything right. I'm going home. You know why Rodney?"

"Because you bought the house."

"No because Natalia is the love of my life and I'm hers. She wouldn't throw that away, not for sex."

"What'd you say in the letter?"

"I told her. I told her everything about Lily and why she has to stay away from her. She knows Lily tried to force herself on me. I saw it in her eyes." I look down at Rodney sitting on the floor. "I saw the change in the way she looked it me. It didn't matter to her. What mattered is that I told her I trusted her. I said I love you and I'm following your lead. That's what I wrote down and she came to me. And I trusted her, I trust her."

"At least she knows now."

"Did you hear me Rodney?" I take one last look in the mirror. "I told her everything in that letter and it didn't phase her one bit. She still wanted me, she still loves me and she knows I trust her." It has to be a weight off of both our shoulders. "You'll see tonight."

"I hope so."

-0

Today went by so fast I can't believe it's over.

It's already 5 and Rafe and Emma are all packed up and ready to go. We sit in the lobby because I couldn't wait for Natalia to ride the elevator. I'm crazy just being here. I even packed a couple of items just in case we agree I'm ready to come home. That's all Rafe and Emma have been talking about. I didn't put a date on it but I told them soon, very soon. I can't wait until Natalia gets here.

I have to talk to her now. Even though she hasn't answered her phone all day I still believe. She has a problem with forgetting her phone anyway. If she had her phone she would have called me back already. It doesn't matter, not to me. In my mind and soul, I know.

My Natalia wouldn't do this to me. She still loves me, me; not my money, the sex, or the prestige. She loves me.

She loves me. She loves me. She loves me.

"Rafe, Emma." Maria walks into the lobby out of breathe. "Traffic is horrible today." I think she's talking to me but doesn't look at me.

That's okay I don't need to speak with her all I need is Natalia.

"Are you two ready to go home?" She takes Emma backpack off the floor.

"Wait." I stop her. "Where's Natalia? She said she was coming."

"I don't know she just asked me to pick up the children this morning and she would call when she got back home."

Involuntary I start to fidget. This can't be happening. "Did she say anything else?"

"Not to me, why?" Maria's head cocks to the side.

"I've been calling her and she hasn't answered. I was worried."

Maria shakes her head.

"I needed to talk to her about last night?" I try to gauge her reaction to see if Natalia told her anything that she might be holding back.

"I haven't seen her since Friday." Maria's eyes wonder along the room trying her hardest not to look at me. She finally looks at me. "She did seem a little upset when she called but she said everything was okay."

Everything is okay? I clear my throat. I can't cry in front my children. It's not their faults. I guess it's mine again. I should have seen it coming. Instead of being desperate I should have protected myself. I should have known, it's all everyone wants, why should she be any different. She finally came to her senses. She finally knows.

"Come on guys give me a hugs." I choke back my tears long enough to hug Rafe and Emma.

"Are you okay?" Rafe hooks his arm in mine.

"I'm fine. Just sad to see you go. Call me if you want to talk or if you need anything, anything okay?"

"Okay."

I kiss his forehead before sending him off with his grandmother.

I think I beat Marie down the street, breaking every traffic law on the books. They'll have to forgive me today my life is on the line here.

I have to speak to Natalia. I need her to answer this one question. I need her to tell me Rodney lied. He must have. Doris has somehow gotten him on her side and now they are playing the devil's advocate just like Danny and Maria.

Natalia would never just leave without a damn good excuse. She wouldn't.

Nope last night had to have meant something to the both of us.

I pull into our driveway spotting Danny's car beside Natalia's. That's doesn't mean anything. His car could be here for a million reasons.

I barely park the car before jumping out and trotting up the porch stairs. I get a quick glance of myself in the door window. My hair is disheveled and clothes wrinkle, not my best moment but one of the most important.

I take a deep breath trying to smile. My wife, my life is in this house. She's waiting for me.

I open the door stepping in to the living room only to be greeted by the one person I didn't want to see.

"Ah Olivia, just the person I wanted to see." Danny claps his almost smiling at me.

"Where is Natalia?" And what the hell are you doing in my house?

"She's upstairs getting dressed." He claps his hands and opens his arms like her wants hug. The smugness in his voice is enough to make me want to scream. "But that not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk to you…about you."

"Is that right?" I side step into the room looking up the stairs.

"Yes." He watches me closely like I'm the visitor. He points at the open door. "If you would for a second."

Just to humor myself I step back outside leaning against the rail.

Danny closes the door behind him going over to the other side of the steps and sitting on the railing.

"So?" I grow impatient at the silence.

"I'm not a bad guy." He starts off looking over his shoulder in to the distance. He turns looking at me. "And truthfully you don't seem like a bad person maybe a little frayed around the edges but you try."

I hope he's not trying to get on my good side with this speech.

"I've heard a lot about you and I have to say you have beaten the odds at every turn, that's to be commended."

"What are you getting at?"

"My point Ms. Spencer," he stands up trying to intimidate me with his height, "you are who you are. Everyone knows that and they know what to expect as do you. But Natalia she's special. She thought she could expect, no deserved different. She took a risk and lost. We all have at one point. But through your own fault and my guidance she had come to see you for who you are."

"Who do you think you are?" I almost laugh at him.

"Please don't interrupt me." He clears his throat. "Now as I was saying, she told me about last night."

I was about to give him a good lashing until he said that. There's no way she told him anything.

"And I really hope there are no hard feelings towards her from you. I understand her thinking, you're hot. Anyone can see that. You have a gorgeous face and an even better body."

"Glad you approve."

He shakes his head leaning back against the railing. "Don't blame her. I told her she needed one last night to get over whatever it is you two had. I don't think you are to blame either. I saw the video of your wedding, sorry I couldn't make it, but you seemed sincere. You tried to change and it didn't work. So don't fault Natalia for that either."

"So I'm suppose to what, just take your word for it."

"Some people just aren't marrying types. You give people a good time, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Oh fuck you; you don't know shit about us."

"Let's not stoop to cursing. What I meant to say is I believe you are a good person. I believe you do care about Natalia and that's the Olivia I want to appeal to."

"Then get to it." I can't believe I'm still listening to him but something in me refuses to leave. He's just voicing what everyone is thinking.

"We both want Natalia to be happy, the only thing is I can deliver. You have problems that will in all probability never be fixed. And you tend to take yourself down but the worst offense is that you are taking Natalia and the children with you. Neither of us what that, so I'm asking you person to person to leave them alone."

"She's my wife."

"You're hurting her, you can see that."

"I'll make it better."

"The only way you know how but that isn't enough. I don't want to betray her trust but I feel like you should know that sex is all she wanted from you. She is trying to move on with her life maybe you should do the same."

"I want to hear it from her."

"I'll go get her. If that will make you happy." He opens the door but blocks my way in. "I'm not saying these things to hurt your feelings. All I want is for her to be happy. If you got the wrong impression about last night you two should talk but I know somewhere inside you know the truth."

I do.

"You made a promise in that video to make her happy, so why don't you do it."

We both walk back inside my spine shorter that earlier.

"I'll go get her." He walks up the step looking back to make sure I'm not following.

I stare at him too refusing to let him see just how defeated I feel.

I feel too hot to even sweat. Everything he said made too much sense. To make her happy that's why I moved out in the first place.

How can I be mad at Natalia for doing what everyone else has done before? She got her revenge.

On the side table, I spot our wedding photo still standing in its golden frame. We were happy then, I was happy.

I felt like for the first time in a long time God was on my side. What a cruel trick that turned out to be.

The twinkle of my wedding rings catches my eye. I hold it up close to my face inspecting it. This is supposed to mean something.

I turn the picture face down pulling it out the back of the frame. It might be a lie but it's my lie that I want to keep close to me.

If I were being truthful to myself I should have done this a long time ago when I first started to slip. It would have saved a lot of people a lot of heart ache especially Natalia.

I left so she wouldn't be force to stay with me. I left so she would be free to be happy and here I am still keeping her in the dark with me.

This push and pull game we have will only destroy the goodness inside of her. Next thing we know we'll both be addicts, me to drugs and her to my misery.

If she wanted to talk to me she would have return my hundred calls and texts. If last night was about anything but sex she wouldn't have left. If it meant anything to her she wouldn't be here with him. She must have felt sorry for me after reading that letter.

Poor Olivia, the victim, needed a 'pick me up' fuck.

I slide the band off my finger laying it on the coffee table.

I did make a promise to make her happy with or without me. If she wants him then I won't stand in her way and I'll keep my promise. She'll never have to worry about money or anything else.

I fold the picture up shoving it in my pocket.

I really think I'm going to be sick. I stumble over to the small waste basket but a pile of torn paper catches my eye inside of it. It's shredded. I pick up a hand full of the pieces of the paper and read the words I wrote to her. It's the letter she was supposed to read. The letter that was supposed to explain everything to her. The letter I gave her. She tore it up and threw me away.

I swear I just can't win today.

I walk out the door taking in some fresh air before leaving. Then I hear her voice. "Where are they?"

Danny and Natalia walk out of the door and her smile quickly fades when she sets eyes on me. "Olivia?" She looks up at Danny. He mustn't have told her who the visitor was.

"No don't worry I was just leaving. You weren't answering your phone and I got worried." My face is burning. I bite the inside of my cheek just to keep from making a fool by begging. I turn around walking to my car.

"Wait, Olivia." She comes down the stairs following me to my car.

I hold my breath praying she tells me they're both lying.

"About last night…" She looks back at him as he nods his head.

"No!" I say a little too loud, it's just to keep her from lying or worse telling the truth. As long as I don't hear it from her I can pretend it meant something. "No it's okay."

"Olivia please, I-" She stops mid sentence looking at our shoes.

"I know."All to well. "Emma was worried and I promised I would check on you. You know how worked up she can get." I turn away from her to keep her from seeing me cry. It's bad enough I came here. "I really have to get back to the hotel. Have a new assistant to help out so I could have more time." I'm babbling because I can't get the key into the door, my vision is too blurry. Got it! I get in closing the door, but I sit there with the engine running. "Rodney told me what you said."

Her jaw drops as the blood drain from her face. "I…he…"

"It's okay." With that I speed off. I don't want to hear it from her.

NATALIA

I can't believe he told her. Why would he do that?

"Nat you okay?"

"No I'm not okay." I sit on the steps looking at the dust settling. "I hurt her. I don't know if I can ever make it right."

"Maybe you don't need to." Danny sits beside me.

"No I do. I want to make it right I just don't know where to start. Last night I think I did the furthest from helping, in fact I know I did."

"What happened?"

"It's too personal."

"Well what are friends for if you can't confide in them?" He bumps my shoulder with his.

"No really I can't. I've already talked to Lindsey."

"Oh what did the great doctor say? She write Olivia a letter of recommendation."

His voice is starting to grate my nerve for the first time since we've reconnected. I turn looking at him. He's nothing like the boy I remember. He's a man, a man that isn't helping my situation. I knew that but it was nice to have him around to distract me from what was really going on. From the beginning I should have investigated. I should have done better to get the details of Olivia's escapades. No matter how much it hurt is should have listened and took it all in.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just think I need to be alone." I get up walking back into the house.

Danny follows me inside waiting just inside the door. "Why do you let her do this to you? You can't let her keep making you feel like you did something wrong."

"I did do something wrong and I can't take it back." I take a seat on the end of the couch, waiting for the house to swallow me whole.

"No you didn't do anything wrong. It's not like you forced her last night."

I look at him with his eyes squeezed shut with a grimaced look. He knows he just slipped up.

I get up off the couch. "How do you know what happened last night?" I take a step towards him.

"Look it's not what you think. I was leaving the club and I saw you go up, so I thought I would wait for you but it took you a while to come down. I just put two and two together. That's why I came over today just in case you needed support." He doesn't try to come closer but he leans heavier into the door jam.

I believe him so I sit back down. There I go again trying to blame everybody else for what I did. Danny didn't make me leave my own wife while she slept. He didn't force me to use her for one night. No one I did that but me, and I hurt the one person I love the most.

"Maybe it's for the best."

"Danny I need you to leave. I just-" What the hell? The ring catches my eye. I pick it up but it doesn't seem real. She left her ring. She left her ring.

"Natalia?"

"She left her ring." I hide the ring in my palm squeezing it until I feel it burn into my skin. It's over. I finally pushed her away. I finally did it.

"You should, ow." Danny trips over the waste basket almost falling.

I get up not to help him but to clean up. I need to keep moving, I need to go get my children so I have something to keep me occupied.

I get on my knees picking you the pieces of trash that fell out onto the floor.

"Wait let me!" Danny tries to take the item from.

I hover over the paper keeping it out of his reach. "What is this stuff?" I flip over the pieces trying to match the shreds. The few that are still together I read.

'I was being selfish and I'm sorry.'

'The dreams were too much to handle, you'

'I love you and our children too much to let her destroy you.'

'They forced and used me, but not you. I know you wouldn't but the drugs clouded my mind.'

I shuffle through the scraps. "Danny what it this?" I know I didn't throw this away. A few more pieces fit together. It's the letter Olivia gave me. I never could bring myself to read it but I didn't do this.

"It was nothing but lie to try to make you feel guilty."

I start to pile the paper up, Danny does the same. Soon we're fighting over the pieces. His hands are larger than mine and his pile is getting bigger. "You don't need her."

I reach up slapping him harder that I've ever hit anyone.

He stares at me with fire in his eyes, but I don't back down. Instead I start putting the letter back together.

"Ma?"

I look up, Rafe, Emma and my mother are staring at us like they just caught us having sex on the floor.

Danny is still burn a hole through me. His face is red beyond red and his eyes are filled with tears. I don't think they're tears of hurt but of unleashed anger. I wonder if he would hit me. I don't think he would but maybe he would. Maybe I've pushed everyone to their limit.

"Danny just go." I sit back on my heels looking at pieces.

"Fine, if you what be with some fucked up bitch for the rest of your life fine Natalia!" He grabs a handful of paper before getting up. "You've never changed you know that! You've always liked fucked up people!"

My mother pulls Emma closer to her as he huffs past them out the door. He tosses the papers into the wind running down the steps.

"Natalia what was that?"

"Nothing."

Rafe sits beside me putting his arm around my waist.

He's bigger but still the same child that I tried to protect. All the kicks, punches, slaps, and object thrown at us with my body curled around him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, really."

"What are you going to do?"

I look at Rafe then at Emma and my mother. "I don't know."

"Rafe why don't you take Emma upstairs while I talk to you mother." My mother takes Rafe's place. "Honey?"

"He didn't hit me if that's what you are going to ask." I stare out the door wondering if it's too late to go after the pieces. "When did I become an asshole?"

"You're not. It's just trying times. Everyone has their own way of getting through things." She takes my hand but I pull it back. "Honey you can't keep going like this. You're losing weigh. Are you sleeping?"

I almost laugh. My mother who has been instigating most of this behind the scene says it all has to stop. After the dust settles she's right. This can't go on. "You're right. I have to do something." I gather the paper in my hands. I'll have to get some tape to put it back together as much as I can.

"Where are you going?"

I dump the pieces on coffee table. "Mom get me a zip lock bag and bring me some tape." I sit on the couch fingering my phone.

I need to find a weak link in the chain. Rodney is my obvious choice. Doris has him around the neck right now. I'll have to wait until she gives him a little slack. That leave just 4 other people who know what happened to us.

"Here you are."

I put the paper in the bag along with the roll of tape. Keith! I'll have to get his number, I'm just sure he'll be more talkative than his counter parts.

"Mom." I stand up on shaky legs. "I need you to take Rafe and Emma for just a little while."

"Natalia? What are you doing?"

"I can't do this without her." I hold on the bag for dear life. "I fucked up so bad."

"Natalia, language."

"Not now mother. My life has imploded. I think I can use whatever language I want."

"Mom?" I turn around to find Rafe and Emma standing at the bottom of the steps.

"Come here guys." Emma runs to me and in true fashion of this summer Rafe stays planted. "Rafe please."

He looks at my mother then at me. Finally he sits on the couch. I sit beside him with Emma in m lap.

"I know things have been very strained between me and Olivia and you probably don't understand." Emma nod he head. Rafe looks at me with a knowing look. I always know when he's done something wrong. The guilt is written all over her face. "Or maybe you've hear some things but I promise you I'm going to do everything I can to put this family back together. I want your mother home and I need you patience."

Rafe nods surprisingly taking my hand.

"Please don't worry, I'm going to fix this no matter what and thing will be like they were. But please know this has nothing to do with you. We both still love you both very much. Okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

"I need you to go with my mother. As soon as I can I'll come get you. Me and your mother will come for you."

OLIVIA

"You haven't said much."

"I'm not really in the mood to talk."

"Try for me, how was the weekend with your children?"

"It was okay," I shrug my shoulders. "I talked to Rafe and I think we came to a good understanding. I think we're okay."

"Okay." John taps his pencil on his knee. "Did you see Natalia?"

I nod my head grinding my teeth in an effort not to cry. I should be over this. I left, she moved on end of story.

"Olivia, look at me."

I focus on the red book to my left.

"Did something happen?" Her tries to keep his voice neutral but I can hear the unusual compassion and worry laced in his voice.

"You could say that."

"Why don't you start from the beginning?"

I keep my focus squarely on the red book. "I gave her the letter. I told her I trusted her and I showed her all my records proving I'm clean."

"And what did she say?"

"Anytime I want." I laugh at just how stupid I could have been. I should have seen it. Anytime I want, it's not like it was code for I love you.

"And what significance does that have?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"How can you come to terms with it if you won't talk about it?"

"I've already come to terms with it." I wonder what book that might be. I think I can see dust around it.

"Well then for my sake catch me up."

I sit still staring at the book trying to figure out just how to explain it and still stay disconnected enough not to cry. I thought I was all out of tears. But the hurt and anger it brings is killing me.

"Olivia?"

"She doesn't love me anymore." I rush the words out softly trying to keep them from my ears.

"Natalia?"

I nod my head.

"What would make you think that?"

How many times am I going to have to repeat this story?

"Did she say something?"

"No I did. She didn't do anything wrong." She just came to her senses.

"What did you do?"

"I listened to you that's what I did. I did what you told me to." I raise my voice still not looking at him.

"So it's my fault?"

"No it's my fault for believing something that wasn't true. I should have just-"

"Please just start from the beginning." John tosses his notebook on the small table between us.

I sigh staring down at the notebook. I hate that thing, he's always writing in it but never show me. "Natalia dropped Rafe and Emma off and we talked for a second. I told her I trusted her and she kissed me. Like you said I followed her lead. I didn't have any flashbacks; there was no anxiety and no fear. We really kissed and I felt it, I felt like we had finally got somewhere. To me that was all I needed to know I was ready. I wanted her to kiss me again but she left after I gave her the letter." I breathe deep, my throat and face beginning to burn. I focus back on the blurry red book. I wonder it he will notice it missing.

"So she came over the next night and I tried to show her my papers. I told her how hard I was trying for us. And she said… anytime I want." I scuff at the last statement.

"What does that mean?"

"I thought it mean she wanted me to be hers again. I thought she wanted me back that she saw and felt the difference." I clench my fist in my lap. "But it didn't. I told her I trusted her to…we were on the bed kissing and she touched…I told her I was ready that I trusted her. I put myself on the line and she left. She used me for the night and then she left."

I hear John sigh under his breath. "God."

"I don't know if you know how that feels but it hurt. I felt dirty again, I felt cold and abandoned and I have no one to blame but me."

"Did you talk to her?"

"I tried and tried and tried. She wouldn't answer my calls. She even sent Maria to pick up Rafe and Emma. I couldn't let it stay like that so I went to our- her house and she was there with him."

"Danny?"

"I knew if I could just see or talk to her she could explain and it would be just some big mix up. I wasn't imagining it when we were together. It was real." I don't know how I didn't see it. I was so busy trying to convince myself that I didn't see what she was doing.

"What did she say?"

"I didn't get to speak with her." I rub my forehead; it's so cold in this room.

"I see." John leans forward, both feet on the ground.

"But I did talk to Danny and what he said is what I have been thinking this entire time."

"What's that?" He leans back picking up his notebook, pencil poised and ready.

"Natalia deserves better."

"And you don't."

"Can you just listen? I listen to you so listen to me?" I lean back in the soft cushion of the couch staring out the window.

John nods his head putting his pencil down.

"Natalia deserves better, Rafe and Emma deserve someone to look up to. All of them want and deserve a normal stable adult in their lives. I don't think I am that person. No matter how hard I try." I finally look John in his eyes. He wants to disagree, but I know better now. "Even now I feel like I'm falling apart. It took all I had not to go out last night and get high or drunk. I was up the entire night with the phone in one hand and a drink in the other."

"Did you drink?"

"No, but I wanted to." I'm afraid to be alone for that reason. All I can think about is getting high or drunk.

"It will pass."

"What if it doesn't?"

"It will." John sets his pad and pencil on his lap folding his hands on top of them. "Let's take this one step at a time, you made progress with your son."

"I should have said no, but I was so happy and caught up in her I let it happen. She looked at my papers, she finally saw that I was clean that she could at least trust that I was sober."

"Olivia-"

I ignore him, I need to say this. "With everything that was happening I just thought that everything was falling into place. She doesn't love me."

John sits up straight with a blank face.

"You should have seen the way she looked at me when she saw me. He said he told her to come to me so she could have only last fling so she could finally get over me. Can you believe that?" I stand up walking to the window behind John. "She sleeps with me, leaves and decides to play house with him. I get why, I do. I'm not going to lie and say I don't know why but it still hurts." The pain goes so much deeper than I can every express.

"I know it hurts and you have every right but now I want you to focus on you. This is the perfect time to find yourself and become comfortable with being alone for a time in your life. I bet when Natalia sees how put together you are she'll realize the mistake she made."

I'm not sure I can be put back together. "Yea right."

"She will and in the mean time I want you to relax. Be surrounded by people who love, no drinking or drugging but go out to a movie, go on a hike and re-gather."

I'm tired of starting over. "Re-gather, I feel like I have been doing that my whole life."

"Then this should be a cake walk. You have a lot to offer and if she can't see that someone else will. Give it time."

NATALIA

I can't even taste the cake in front of me, but I'm still shoving it in my mouth. Who cares if I get fat or not? I recently just turned down a good man because I'm still in love with a woman who hates me now and her friends are probably plotting my death this very second.

It's been three days, I'm surprised to still be alive. I'm surprised I haven't died from dehydration, from crying. And not one word from Rodney or Doris.

Speaking of the devil.

Rodney walks in the café wearing his usual get up; khaki pants and a polo shirt, can't forget the sunglasses resting on his face.

Go for it Natalia. What do I have to lose?

I get up with a renewed sense of determination.

I walk up behind Rodney tapping him on the shoulder.

He spins around immediately rolling his eyes at me. "God, what!"

"I know you hate me." I tap my foot with impatience.

He shrugs his shoulders.

I simply don't have the energy to slip in a personality to get him to talk. I'm desperate and I want him to know that. "I'm going to ask you a question."

"Oh no you're not." He shakes his head.

"Rodney please, I'm begging in the middle of a busy deli shop."

"I know what you want to know and I made a promise to my best friend I would never tell you anything so no." Rodney turns around walking away from me.

I follow him through the small crowd. "Please just listen. I know you have to know I love her. Rodney I do."

"Fuck off."

I follow him through the door and onto the busy sidewalk.

"Please I'll do anything."
He turns around with his eyebrows in his eyebrows. "Anything?"

I take a step away from him. "Well not anything, I'm not sleeping with you."

"I wasn't thinking about that…not until now but that is another day." He stands in front of me thinking and rubbing his chin. "Fine but you have to promise me something in return."

"Okay." I agree without second thought.

"You have to leave Olivia alone; no late night booty calls, no accidental run ins, no weepy phone calls, no nothing. Anything you have to say to her will be about the kids nothing about you two."

"Okay." I don't even know what I am agreeing to but I know I won't abide by those rules.

"I'm serious."

"Me too." I nod my head and cross my heart.

"Okay…" Rodney motions for me to follow him as he walks away from the shop. "What do you want to know?"

"Why did Olivia relapse?"

"Olivia had been drinking while you were away. And we had a party…no I can't tell you that" He pauses for a second. "But what I can tell you is that lunch you had been with the devil. If you knew what we knew you wouldn't have taken her side."

"Whose side? What lunch?'

"Think about it then get back to me. You're lucky Olivia doesn't believe what she said." Rodney starts to back away from me.

"Who?"

"It's not for me to say."

What lunch, what side did I take? "You mean Lily?"

Rodney stops a few feet away. "You should have believed Olivia. She's your wife." He turns around running across the street through busy traffic.

So it is her. What is it about Lily that everyone hates? I should call her and straighten this all out. But she already told me her side of the story. The question is do I believe her or what Olivia said. But what did Olivia say?

I rack my brain for the bits and pieces of Olivia story that I heard.

She said she was drinking. Something about the hotel, then she said Lily was there; like she appeared or maybe she wasn't invited and showed up anyway.

She said they had sex. Didn't she? I can't remember if she actually ever said they had intercourse. She said Lily was touching her and saying things. What did she say?

Did she say something about me?

But why would Lily lie about sleeping with Olivia, its not like we are best friends. Why would she bother to have lunch with me then sleep with Olivia? She could have simply walked in did the same thing, but she when out of her way to befriend me.

What kind of person would do that?

There has to be a back story to this beside the one Lily told me. I need someone who was there and is willing to talk. My contact is supposed to be here today but I need another person.

I walk into the deli spotting Keith immediately sitting in a corner booth.

I slide in the bench across from him trying to stop myself from hugging him. I truly did not think he would show up.

"Thank you for coming."

"Hopefully we'll be doing a lot more of it later." Keith winks. He runs his fingers through his greasy hair. It looks like he hasn't showered in days.

I can ignore that because I did lure him here under the promise of sex, but I never said with me. I'm sure he will be able to find someone else who will lay with him.

"Anyway, I can't thank you enough for showing up to the talk with me."

"And more." He puts his hand on top of mine on the table.

I pull out of his grasp. "So let's get down to business."

"That what I'm talking about." Keith says too excited to stay still.

"I want to talk about Lily."

"Holy shit!' Keith yells flying back in his seat gaining every ones attention. "You tricked me." He says in awe like he didn't know I was capable of such a thing.

"Technically no, but actually yes."

I grab Keith's hand to keep him from leaving. "Wait please."

He sits back scratching his forehead. "Do you know how much of a risk I took just to come back here to have sex with you?"

"Okay but you really would be doing me a huge favor and I owe you…just not sex."

"I can't believe you would trick me like this. There is a good chance I might not make it out of this hell hole of a town. Wolfe is out for blood and I'm a fresh cow on my period." Keith bangs his head against the wall.

"I know and I'm sorry but I can help you."

"You can't, if it weren't for Olivia you would probably be just another victim too." The sweat begins to pour down the side of his face.

"She doesn't have to know."

"She probably already knows." Keith argues looking over my shoulder then his.

"I didn't tell anyone."

"You don't have to she has eyes everywhere. This whole town works for her." Keith sighs slumping down in his seat. "You don't believe me; look over your left shoulder. That dude has been starting at us since you walked in. If I'm not mistaken that's the same punk who tried to kill me the first time."

Subtly I look over my shoulder and sure enough Johnny is sitting in the opposite side of the room on his phone.

"He's probably already called her and she's on her way to kill me." Keith's face crumples like he's about to burst in to tears.

God this could be bad. If Doris is on her way, I'll never get anything out of him.

"Don't panic. Keith looks at me."

He raises his head with a look of pure defeat, he's accepted his fate. I won't accept the same.

"Just wait here I'll take care of this." I wait for him to nod before getting up and walking over to Johnny's table. Carefully I sit down across from him. He eyes me then turns back to Keith.

"Johnny put down the phone." I keep my voice steady despite the fact that my insides at fighting to get out.

He furrows his eyebrows at me but he obeys ending his call and laying the phone on the table.

"Who was that?"

"What's it to you?" Johnny sits back in his seat smugly.

"If it was Doris-"

"If it was?" He looks over at Keith pointing his finger like a gun and pulling the trigger.

I can see Keith is about to bolt and I can't blame him.

Think fast Natalia. Appeal to him.

"You want to kill someone?"

"Hm?" Johnny's head snaps tome in intrigue. "I'm listening."

"Help me and I guarantee you a body." What am I saying? "But you have to call Doris off."

"No problem." Johnny leans forward. "That wasn't her anyway. Now about this body."

I don't know what I would have done if that were Doris but now I have to find someone to that Johnny can kill. How do I keep digging myself deeper in this? "Right. The thing is-"

"Ya boys getting away." Johnny interrupts my rambling.

I turn just in time to see Keith escaping through the doors.

Both Johnny and I get up running after him.

We must look suspicious running down a busy street after a man but no one seems to take any interest.

Keith only gets about half a block before Johnny catches up with him pushing him up against a brick wall.

When I catch up with them Johnny has Keith pinned up against a wall.

I tap his shoulder motioning for him to bring Keith deeper into the alleyway.

I plant myself behind Johnny talking to Keith over his shoulder. "I've tried to do this the nice way but you have forced my hand."

Johnny has Keith pressed against the wall with his forearms digging into his chest.

Why didn't I think of this earlier?

"Johnny where is your brother?" I squint my eyes at Keith. No more nice Natalia, I'm bringing in the big guns.

"Waiting in the car."

"Now Keith I'm only going to ask this one and one time only. I have talked to everyone including Lily-"

"Are you fucking stupid or do you have a death wish? AH!"

Johnny digs is elbows deeper into Keith's ribs. "That's no way to talk to the one person keeping you alive. I've been order to kill on sight."

"Wait! Wait!" Keith's eyes grow big as he looks at my. "Okay."

I lay my hand on Johnny's shoulder trying to get him to ease up. "What are you talking about?"

Keith sighs in frustration. "What Olivia didn't tell you about scar-face?"

"You tell me."
"Hell, no. I'm not that stupid."

"Johnny."

I wanted him to cause a little pain but Johnny crosses his forearm across Keith chest and lifts his shirt revealing the butt of a gun.

Oh god he really has a gun. He could really kill Keith right here in front of me. I can't let that happened. This was a bad ideal this is why I didn't think of it earlier.

I focus on the scene in front of me. Johnny has the barrel of the gun pressed under Keith's chin. His hand trembles aching to pull the trigger.

I have to take back control of the situation before we both end up in jail.

I put my hand on Johnny's bicep forcibly making him lower his arm. "Johnny, why don't you give us a second?"

"What?"

"I want you to give us a few minutes and if after those minutes Keith hasn't told me what I want to know I will walk away leaving him with you. But I need a few minutes alone with him." Not only is Johnny clamming him up with fear but he also doesn't need to be present when we are talking about my wife and her past. If she has gone through the great length to keep me from knowing then I'm sure she would be horrified for him to find out like this.

Keith looks relieved but he presses him lips tighter together in defiance.

"Fine." Johnny shoves Keith violently against the wall before walking to the end of the alley as a look out.

"Spit it out Keith."

"Fuck! You know if I tell you anything Olivia will never talk to me again. Not to mention she'll probably give Wolfe the go ahead to kill me."

"I don't care." And I really don't care. "Keith I'm going to level with you. Olivia and I are no longer together, mostly out of spite and pure childishness, on both our parts but I would really like to know why all of this happened. I spoke with Lily."

Keith scoffs again.

I chose to ignore is outburst. "I spoke with Lily while she was here. Afterwards I called her and she told me you were all drunk and Olivia came on to her but nothing happened, but if you know different please I'm begging." I flash Keith my sincerest eyes I can muster. If I can't break him I'll never know what happened.

"FUCK ME!" Keith almost screams at the sky. "How do I get myself in these situations?"

"Please." The tears gather in my eyes and I look at him with innocent eyes, the same one I used to use on my father.

"Okay, okay. Just stop looking at me like that." Keith laces his fingers on top of his head. "Just promise me this will not get back to Olivia. She can't know you know."

"I can't promise that." Keith groans. "But I can promise that she won't know you told me." I try to cover.

"That's not good enough."

"What if I just say Rodney told me."

Keith looks at me out the side of his eyes, he shakes his head exhaling loudly out of his nose. "Lily is a bitch and I don't mean bitch as in doesn't pass out Halloween candy or as in takes everything in the divorce. She's the kind that doesn't know what the word no means or kills her first born because they were getting all the attention."

"But I saw her children."

"Children!" Keith forces himself to laugh. "She must have shown you that stupid fake picture she been carrying around for the last 10 years."

"Wait start over."

"What don't you understand, she doesn't have any children? Everything she told you was probably a lie."

"Then tell me the truth and from the beginning."

Keith leans against the wall pull out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one out lighting it slowly then taking a long pull off of it.

"Lily and Olivia dated on and off in college. The night before graduation there was a big party at Olivia's place. We were all drinking, just partying." He shrugs his shoulders. "Then Lily kicked everyone out, she just kind of flipped out, but that was kind of normal for her. So we left and headed to another party." He begins to take another pull off the stick.

"Anyway I told Beth that she should check on Lily. She seemed kind of out of it, just a little more than normal. I just didn't have a good feeling about it. About an hour later Beth calls Wolfe and tells her to go check on Olivia. When we got there, Beth nor Lily are anywhere to be found but Olivia was…" He clears his throat shaking his head of the memory. "Shit! The place was mess. There was vomit and blood, she was on the bathroom floor, really pale, like ghost pale…Doris took her to the hospital."

He runs his face over his face. "I was scared shitless. I though Wolfe was going to stroke out right there then I thought whose going to make the call to her brother, I wasn't I knew that much."

I wait silently on pins and needles for the rest of the story. Olivia never mentioned any of this to me. Either she tried to kill herself or someone hurt so much it required medical attention.

"But like always Wolfe took care of it, the next afternoon Olivia was on stage giving her Valedictorian speech. I saw the look she gave Lily, the way she shied away from her but she looked mad as hell." Keith flicks the dying cigarette out then lights another. "Up to that point Beth and Lily had disappeared, but before graduation I caught up with them and asked Lily what happened. She gave me some song and dance about them fighting but nothing happened. I saw the scratch on her face didn't look like nothing to me."

Keith stares into the dying flame of the lighter. "After graduation Wolfe caught her. Apparently Olivia told her what had happened."
"What?" My voice sounds hoarse and so far away to my own ears. In that second I ask myself if I really want to know what happened, because my stomach drops at the thought of what Olivia could have possibly went through then and now.

"Olivia might have said she was ready for…sex, kinky sex. You know." Keith pokes his finger in and out of his fist. "She said she changed her mind but Lily didn't. Something about being tied to a bed."

"She what?"

"Apparently Olivia got free and left a scratch on Lily' face." Keith drags his finger from the bottom of his ear to under his chin. "Don't let Lily's size fool you. She has plenty of martial arts belts and titles, even taught a woman self defense class on campus. Anyway she got the best of Olivia, but she was high and drunk when Lily…I can't even say the word, you know."

I shake my head trying to put everything together. Lily lied to my face knowing what she had done to my wife. Olivia lied to my in therapy.

"After the graduation we all got into a big fight. Beth didn't believe Olivia, it was her sister after all. I didn't know what to believe you know I wanted to believe that Lily wouldn't do that to Olivia but I saw the bruises, on her wrist, her neck, chest; I saw them. It was Olivia's word against hers. Beth took her sisters side, Rodney and Doris took Olivia's side and me and Tracey we just stayed out of it." He flicks his second cigarette away, blowing out the last of the smoke. "I think that's when Wolfe got kind of overprotective. No one was allowed to talk or touch Olivia without her permission. It got crazy for a while. A couple of nights later someone attacked Lily and cut her with a knife right where Olivia had got her. Everyone thought it was Rodney."

The acid in my stomach starts to bubble into my throat. I had lunch with Lily. I told her about our family and about Olivia, about me. I practically told Olivia I believed Lily over her. I acted like everyone else in her life except Rodney and Doris. They believe her no matter what but I took a total strangers side over hers.

"I remember it was about two years later Beth called me and said Olivia might have been telling the truth, she found out another woman had filed a police report against Lily but her parents offered her money to drop the charges. Turns out Lily told them what happened and they offered Olivia money to keep her mouth shut. I don't know if she took it or not but it was fucked up. Fucked Beth up for a long time, she felt guilty."

"Because she believed Lily."

Keith nods his head acknowledging something in his head. "I should have gone with my gut myself."

As furious as I am I need to stay calm to find out what happened this time. "What about this time? Why did Olivia go back to doing drugs?"

"I'm not 100 percent sure but when we got upstairs Olivia was kind of out of it. She said she fell and dislocated her arm but there was this look in her eyes and not to mention this red ring around her neck. Earlier Rodney had told us they confronted Lily about talking to you, so I just put two and two together. Plus after she had done a couple of line she got real talkative. Said something about Lily spoiling her for you."

I back away from him until I feel the wall behind me holding me upright. How could I have been so stupid to listen to her? Olivia had been trying to tell me the whole time and I was so caught up in thinking she cheated that I couldn't see it. This all happened because I wouldn't listen to what she was trying to tell me.

"Are you going to be okay?" Keith leans over trying to catch my roaming eyes.

"I don't think so." My chest is hurting; my stomach is hurting, my head is hurting.

"Can I go now?" Keith begins to walk away.

"Wait I need to ask you one more thing."

"What now?" Keith huffs.

"Did anything happen while you were…I guess partying."

"You mean did Olivia fuck anyone else."

I nod my head bracing myself for the answer.

"Nah, I mean we tried to set her up but she was too busy telling his red headed bitch about all her problems. If it were me I would have did it but she never did, not that I know of. And let me tell you that girl was persistent."

I let out a deep breathe only for the pain to begin again.

Olivia had been faithful. I've been acting like she cheated this whole time and she didn't.

"Thank you."

"How can I be sure those goons won't attack me as soon as I step foot onto the street."

"Don't worry we got bigger things to do." I wave Keith off. "Johnny!"

Johnny intentionally bumps into Keith as they pass. "What you just going to let him go?' Johnny points at the disappearing figure.

"Yes." I take him by the shoulder turning him back towards me. "I need you to do one more thing for me."

"I'm beginning to think you lied to me earlier."

"I did but not now. This might take a few hours."

"Shoot."

"I need you to find Rodney and bring him to me, tonight."

Johnny's face lights up at my request. I don't know why he doesn't like Rodney but I'll use it to my advantage. I know he will find him in no time the easy way or the hard way.

"You got it." Johnny salutes me turning and walking faster than I have ever seen him.

"Don't kill him."

"I can't promise that."

I watch Johnny leave still not to sure what I am going to do but I need to do something. I need to get a second on Keith's story. Rodney might or might not do it under the threat of violence, but I need someone.

I need someone can trust, someone who isn't scared to be killed by Wolfe for spilling the beans. I need an objective person, who was either there or heard it from Olivia herself. I need Lindsey.
I walk out of the alley pulling my phone out of my pocket. The phone rings a couple of time before she picks up.

"Oh, what a surprise. I was starting to think you didn't want to talk to me, anymore."

"I need your help."

"Why?"

"I need to see you in person can you get here."

"Of course you're in luck my plane is headed to Texas. I can be there by tomorrow."

I can hear the glee in her voice and it sickens me. "Thank you Lily."

"No problem you're family."

I hang up the phone before I lose it.

One down two to go.

I walk into Lindsey's office and as usual her assistant is sitting at her desk talking on the phone. "Oh, Ms. Rivera, Dr. G is with a patient right now."

"I need to talk to her now."

Right on cue Lindsey exits her office with a short balding man with red eyes.

I barge into the room pulling Lindsey in with me.

"I need to talk to you now." I stomp my foot, the frustration of this whole thing finally catching up with me.

"I can see that." Lindsey pushes the door closed. "What happened now?"

I pace the length of the room trying to release some of my pent up energy. "You know how you told me that there might have been an alternative reason Olivia relapsed?"

"I do."

"You know don't you." I stop pacing look enough to see the guilty look on her face. "Lindsey!"

"Natalia you know I can't tell you anything that Olivia told me during our sessions; doctor, patient confidentiality."

"So not only did you hold this back from me but Olivia lied to me when she said the woman only held her down."

"Maybe."

"Please Lindsey I need you to answer this question. Was it Lily?"

Lindsey cranks her neck walking to her desk. "That sounds familiar but I can't be sure." She bites the inside of her cheek.

"OH my God, why didn't you say anything when I was complaining," I wave my hand. "I know doctor patient shit."

"I wanted to Natalia I even asked Olivia but she said she didn't want you to know."
I flop onto her couch. "Lindsey I'm going to lose Olivia. I practically told her she was lying and Lily was right, she thinks I'm like everyone else. I don't even know how she can face me knowing I have lunch with her attacker."

Lindsey sits down beside me. "She still loves you."

"I told her not to come back home. I treated her like every else has. I was so selfish I left her, I left her after she said she trusted me and I let her down."

"Well than you'll just have to work harder to get her back. You can still make this right."

"You're right." I sit up straight as the phone in my pocket vibrates.

Johnny has Rodney. That was quick.

"I have to make this right and I know exactly where to start." I stand up determined to show Olivia how much I love her, that I'll do anything for her.

"Natalia what are you planning on doing?" Concern is laced throughout Lindsey's voice.

"I'm going to make it right." I walk out without another word. I have to do this before I come to my sense and back out.

Rodney

"What the fuck do you want?" I punch the little Asian punk back.

He only smiles, throwing a wild punch.

I step back feeling only the wind from the swing.

"Missed me." I stick my tongue out continuing to back up.

"You are one fucker.: he laughs in a very sadistic way. " I bet you think you can have anything you want. Huh?"

Just cause I can't stand him I reply. "Yea, that's usually how it works."

"Well not this time. When this is over I'm going to kill you then we'll see."

I have no ideal what he is go on and on about and I don't care. "Yea we will."

"Oh now you got some balls?" He cracks his knuckles.

"Maybe." I swallow my pride ready to beg for mercy if need be.

"Okay come on then." He circles me.

This is stupid. I should at least know what I'm getting my ass kicked for. "Okay." I put my fist up. "But just for laughs I want to know what I'm fighting for."

"Like you don't know. You came here fucking everything up then you expect everyone to be cool with it and welcome you with open arms."

He keeps rambling still not letting me in on the secret. It can't be Olivia, they aren't that close.

"We has a good chemistry before you showed up with your 'Three Musketeers' bullshit." He starts to growl like a animal.

"What are you talking about…you and Dory?"

"It's D you punk bitch." Johnny jumps at me.

I get my hand up higher to block any attack. "Look I don't know what you think you two got going on but what ever it is….I was here first so you back off." I taunt him. He just doesn't know Dory like I do.

"Me!" he shakes his finger in my face. "You don't have what we have. We are connected on another level, something you wouldn't understand." Johnny backs up pulling something from behind his back. "I know what she wants and when. Like I know when she wants someone dead." He points the gun at me.

Fuck, my big mouth keeps getting me in trouble. Should have just taken the ass whooping. Unless…

"She doesn't even have to tell me I just kill them or fuck them up so much they wish they were dead."

"Do it then." Oh yea, I know Doris too. I've known her longer then this kid has been alive. I was there when she collected her first soul. And I also know she has no problem with ordering for someone to be killed and if she wanted me dead I would be buried already.

The gun shakes I my face but he doesn't pull the trigger and with each passing second I feel more confident he won't.

"That's right you can't kill me because she doesn't want me dead, does she?" I almost laugh him. He's a stool pigeon. He can't do much without her permission.

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck me? You're the crazy one thinking Doris could or would be with anyone like you." I spit at his feet. "If it were going to be anyone it would be me. You can't handle the smarts, money or the attitude. You would handle a woman like Dory. You two will never have what we had." I got him on the rope now. Poor kid looks like he's going to cry. You've never seen her in all her glory. You've never witnessed her tangled in ecstasy."

The gun pointed at my head drops hanging loosely by his waist. "You're lying; you've never had sex with her."

He doesn't know shit. You can't be in the pack with fucking Doris. Though I hate to admit it, it went both way but the point is I was inside of her. He'll never know that feeling. "All the time."

Visibly his jaw clenches.

I guess I could throw him a bone. "Look kid why don't you just let me go. All this is pointless. Dory is never going to settle down with anyone. Just let it go."

"Let it go, huh?" Johnny takes a step back. "I'll let it go when you're dead." I actually see the butt of the gun before it hits me.

Natalia

Johnny finally pulls up to the diner well after 8 pm. Inside the car is a passed out and bleeding Rodney slumped in the passenger seat.

"Johnny!"

"What?" Johnny gets out standing beside me. "He's fine." He reaches through the car window smacking Rodney until her wakes up.

Rodney shakes his head clear looking up at us but he doesn't seem surprised. "Just great, you two are starting to irritate me."

Johnny smacks him again. "You've always talked too much."

I open Rodney's door. "I agree you do talk too much and never about what anyone wants to hear."

"Have you two heard of kidnapping." Rodney rubs the side of his face. His eye is starting to swell. "What do you want?"

"I want the whole story; you, Olivia, Doris, and Lily. You're not leaving until I get it or I'll give you back to Johnny." I lean into the car.

"No way, karate kid can't do shit to me bosses orders." Rodney smiles smugly.

I look at Johnny who is the picture of pissed off.

Fine I guess I'll have to find a different scare tactic. "Johnny give me your gun." As soon as the gun touches my hand I get a flash back to when I shot Nicholas. "I don't work for Doris and I'm sure Olivia won't let me go to prison."

"You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I?" I point the gun down at him. It must have a feather trigger, I barely touched the trigger and it goes off. The bullet goes through the seat of his pants leaving a black singed hole in his khakis. We both scream and I drop the gun out of the car trying to get to Rodney to make sure he is okay.

Rodney jumps into the driver seat. "You fucking bitch! You crazy bitch!"

Johnny runs around the car preventing him from escaping.

"Fuck! Okay, okay!" He holds up his hands. "OKAY!"

I don't see any blood so it must have not hit him. I'm shaking like a leaf, I can't even talk.

"Shit, Olivia always knew how to pick them."

Natalia

I bounce on my toes as the elevator moves faster than it ever has.

I'm still full of energy and nerves even after what happened. I don't know how Olivia will react, I know Rodney and Doris are up here but I don't care. I hope Rodney didn't tell Olivia what happened.

I don't even know what to tell her. I'm sure I will feel guilty about it much later but right now I feel…vindication.

Okay Natalia this is it, rod in you back not a noodle. Rod in my back.

The doors slide open and I step out with confidence.

Three sets of eyes land on my, one of confusion, one of something close to admiration and one full of fire.

Doris is the first to move but I'm the first to talk. "You two." I point at Rodney and Doris. "Out."

The fire in her eye magnifies into an inferno.

I know I could have phrased that better but I don't have time, this rod is weakening by the second. I don't have the strength to fight with her and Olivia.

Just as about Doris is about to let me have it Rodney get up off the floor stepping in between us.

"Come on Dory." He takes her hand pulling her past me. "I'll explain downstairs. Trust me."

Thankfully she leaves with out much argument.

On to my second task.

I walk around the couch standing in front of Olivia who is sitting down. Her eyes are still over her shoulder like she is waiting for her sidekicks to reappear.

"Olivia." I call her name trying to snaps out of her stupor.

She turns around looking at me in confusion like she can't believe what I just didn't.

"I know you told me you didn't want to talk and you don't have to." I sit down on the couch giving her a little space. I can't control my emotion as the tears start to gather in my eyes.

How could someone do that to Olivia? Why would anyone be that vicious to try to destroy another person?

"Baby I am so sorry. I didn't know."

Olivia's eyes widen in acknowledgment. "You know?" She gasps clutch her chest.

I nod my head.

"How?"

"It doesn't mater what matters is that I know and I'm here."

"No." Olivia jolts off the couch rounding the small coffee table. "I want you to leave."

"No," I stand up trying to close the gap but Olivia keeps moving around the table. "I'm not going anywhere." We move in circles. I can do this all day or at least until she wears out. "I have been acting so immature and egotistical that I couldn't see you were hurting. And there is not enough time in life or words to express how sorry I am."

"No." Olivia stops walking, her eyes so full of pain.

Why couldn't I see it before? "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, the tears falling unchecked. "I trusted you."

"I know and I didn't deserve it." Cautiously I creep towards her. "I'm so sorry I acted the way I did. I should have been there." Finally I'm close enough to touch her. I take her hand in mine closing the space between us, wrapping my arms around her. "Please believe me." Relief floods my body when her arms snake around me.
"I can't." Even with her words she clings tighter to me.

I lay a single kiss just below her ear drawing small circles on her back.

She buries her face in the crook of my neck and I feel her take a deep breathe.

"Come home."

"No." Olivia breaks our hold stepping away from me.

I try to shake the rejection off. "Please it's the only way we can work this out."

"There nothing to work out." She takes another step back shake her black and golden locks of hair. "We both agreed."

"No you agreed."

"You told me not to come back!"

"Because you were leaving me again!" Okay so this is not the path to take, my words are just going to bite me in the ass. "Please Olivia just listen, I'm sorry and I didn't know but that is no excuse to how I acted."

"I didn't want you to know."

"That's not fair Olivia. What she did-"

"Shut up!" She snaps at me. "Just stop talking. I don't want to talk about it so just leave."

"No I won't, because…" I pause stepping as close as I can to her without her running "Because I love you. I know I haven't been there for you but I'm here and I'm not going to stop loving you. We are a family, a team and I fully plan on putting us back together. I promised them."

Olivia shrinks back away from me. "It's over. And it's not because of what happened or Danny. It's simply because we aren't meant to be. You should have listened to your father."

"Well I disagree. We've just made it hard on ourselves."

"Let it go Natalia."

"I can't, it hurts too much." I match every step she takes.

"Can you just leave?" Olivia backs herself up to the nearest wall staring at her feet.

"If that is what you truly want then yes I will leave but I'll be back." I corner her against the wall taking her hand in mine. She flinches but doesn't resist. I pull her ring out of my pocket and slip it on her finger. "With this ring I am bound and I'll fight for you until I win." I repeat my vows strengthening my resolve. Drying her face with the palm of my hand, I whisper in her ear. "I'll fight for you until I win."

Not waiting for her to respond I turn around pressing the button for the elevators. I can feel her staring at me, but I'm going to follow my instinct something I haven't been doing.

RODNEY

"You want to tell me what all this is about?" Doris is livid as I knew she would be. "Rodney tell me."

"You know about two days ago when I told you I was with Johnny."

"When you said he hit you?"

"Yea well we were with Natalia too." I take a step back when she flinches. I know at some point she going to hit.

"Just tell me!"

"She forced me to tell her about Lily. She even shot at me. Then later that morning she made me go to Texas with her and Johnny and one thing lead to another."

"One thing lead to another? That doesn't explain anything." She grabs my shirt choking me.

"It was Johnny's fault. Natalia beat the crap out of Lily and left. But Johnny couldn't let it go. He said he was going to kill her and that's all I know I swear!"

"She's dead?"

Doris's grip eases a bit. I wish I were the one to pull the trigger but Natalia was too busy threatening me. "Johnny did it but you should have heard the shit she was talking to Natalia about Olivia and how she would have her when she wanted. So Natalia went crazy, we had to pull her off of Lily. We left but Johnny said he was going rid of her."

The wind is taken out of her sail. "Rodney tell me you're shitting me." She leans against the nearest wall.
"I wish I was."

"That's why Beth called me."

"I didn't want to do it but they made me, held a gun to my dick!" I point at it. She know how much I love it. I can't lose it, what kind of man would I be.

"You go check on Olivia and I'll clean up your mess like I always do." She storms off.

Why do I always get blamed for things? "It was them!"

"Rodney!"

Fuck! Why can't she leave me alone? She's just hell bent on give Dory a reason to kill me.

"Rodney, I have a plan."

"You always have one and it's never in my best interest."

"It's not about you, it's about Olivia." Oh god there she goes with the puppy dog eyes and dimples. "She needs me and I need her back with us."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"I know you love her and you want what best. And I also know you know that she belongs with me."

"You sure know a lot of things."

"I do now and I need your help if I'm every going to get her back."

Does she not know Doris is here. She'll take both of us out for plotting against her. "Why should I help you?"

"We both want Olivia to be happy, the way I see she was happiest with me and she can be again."

This woman is really full of herself, like she's the only one who can accomplish that.

"Just give me a week maybe two and if this doesn't work you'll never have to speak to me again, but give me that. I will be forever grateful if you help us."

I did promise Olivia I would help once we came back. I never said how I would help and she never said what she needed help with. So if Doris is just gonna let Johnny keep kicking my ass I might as well form some alliances. "Fine."

"Oh god thank you." She jumps into my arms.

I'm a man I can't help it. I grab her butt. It's so soft. I like Olivia's taste more and more.

"What the hell!" She pulls away and slaps me.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry it was just a knee jerk reaction I didn't mean it." Oh my god that was so stupid. I know Olivia said she was done with her but I doubt she'll want to pass her to me. "Please don't tell, I'm so sorry."

She looks pissed. So much for alliances.

"Just meet me tomorrow and if all goes as planned I won't say anything." She flexes her hand like she preparing to hit me. "I'll call you." She walks away with a bounce in her step. She starts skipping out of the door like she's already won.

I hope she knows she has a long road ahead and a big ass deadly road block named Wolfe.

NATALIA

"I'm nervous." I shift in my hard chair again. I don't even know how I came up with this plan.

"Stop fidgeting, you're making me nervous." Lindsey tears a few more pieces form her napkin.

"That would make two of us." I pick up a few confetti pieces sticking them to the side of my glass. "What if she doesn't show or she won't talk to me?"

"What if the sky fell or monkeys started to fly. Look just relax, this is your plan so see it through. If she doesn't talk then you will have to keep pushing."

I gulp down the rest of my flat coke. "You're right." I fumble with my sunglasses trying to make them stay on top of my head.

Olivia made this look so much easier.

Most of my agitation and anxiety are the results of not enough sleep. I can't even remember the last time I had a full night of rest. I need my wife beside me even if we are up and down fighting her dreams.

"Lindsey I don't think she is coming." My stomach is upset and it won't settle until I see her. It's been four days since I last seen her. I hope the space I've given her is enough. I hope she's ready to talk and forgive. I am, I need to do this.

"Give her a little time. Oh there they are. It's go time."

Sure enough Olivia and Rodney walk through the doors standing just shy of the entrance. She has on a pair of snug blue jean and a black v neck t shirt. Even when she doesn't try she looks good. Every eye in the bar strays to her as she stands in confidence. Not as much as in the past but Olivia has and always will have that air to her.

"She is beautiful."

"You got it bad."Lindsey laughs.

Lindsey and I duck down in our seat as Olivia scans the bar. She goes to the bar while Rodney walks towards the bathroom. He winks and I give him a high five as he passes our table.

I give the bartender the signal as I approach Olivia.

I stop just short of her waiting for the right time. Its so hard not to just touch her.

"What will it be tonight?' The bartender stops in front of Olivia.

She scans the shelves behind him.

Don't do it baby, be strong.

She huffs her shoulders slumping. "Coke."

"Water it is." He walks away fixing the water.

"Are you deaf?" Olivia's voice gets sort of loud attracting some more attention.

He sits the drink in front of Olivia frowning at me. I know, she's a hand full.

And Action.

I drop my shades down closing in on the bar. "Oh now that's no fun."

Even from behind I see Olivia stiffen at my voice. Her hands ball in to a fist on the bar top.

She doesn't even want to turn around which means she probably won't want to talk. But if it is one thing I know Olivia can't resist me for too long.

The day that happens I might be in real trouble.

A few tense seconds tick by and I can't wait any longer. I turn her bar stool myself making her face me.

She cast her eyes to the floor refusing to look at me.

"I know what you are thinking." I continue my dialogue. "What kind of person wears sunglasses at night and inside?" I lean against the bar.

I half expect her to be amused, I wanted her to laugh, but the look on her face is the complete opposite.

I'm glad I still have my shades on otherwise she might see the worry in my eyes.

Out of no where I see her eyes rake up and down my body. All the way from my high black heels, past my tight denims and resting on my chest covered in a white t shirt and grey vest.

I tried to do my best at imitating what she wore the first night we met. I think she pulled it off better. That's for a later conversation, tonight her appreciative gaze has given me strength to continue.

"I'm being rude, aren't I?" I push my sunglasses up holding out my hand. "I'm Natalia."

Olivia shakes her head holding her hands up. "Whatever this is I'm not playing." She stands up making me take a step back. "Leave me alone."

I stand tall in front of her. If she wants to leave she'll have to go through me. "Baby."

"Don't call me that!"

I talk over her. "It's not a game we need to talk. I want you to come home. If you need more time I understand but I need you. I love you."

Her jaw visibly tightens. "I know how much you love. I felt it when I woke up in your arms, oh wait no you left."

"I'm so sorry you'll never know."

She forces a half hearted laugh. "You're the one who told me not to come back."

"I know what I said. I was angry and confused."

"Stop!" She puts her hands up again demanding space.

"No I want you to know I was being selfish because I felt slighted. I know you left to get clean but it still hurt. And I couldn't see past that hurt." So many thoughts run rampant through my mind. It's hard to hold on to a complete thought without leaving my tongue twisted and tied.

Olivia begins to look around franticly.

I know better than to trap her so I take a step back sitting on the stool behind me.

Hopefully by putting my self at a disadvantage she will feel slightly more empowered.

"What I did-"

Suddenly her lips are upon mine. All of my nervousness flies out of the window.

What starts as a battle for dominance becomes a slow and sensual kiss.

Not only because I give in to her also because of her standing advantage. I could care less who has the advantage as long as this means she will come home with me.

I take hold of her hips pulling her in between my legs. She gasps into our kiss when I slide my hands to her lower back. I move under her shirt grazing her spot with my fingertips.

If it's one thing I know, I know her body. I have it down to a science. Now if I could get her mind down too.

Her hands land on my bicep as she tries to take a step back. Olivia leans back breaking out kiss whispering my name.

I lock my hands behind her not caring about the consequences. A step is too far away. A step is space I'm not ready to concede.

I kiss her again to stop the flow of words I know are coming.

Finally when air is necessary we break apart panting.

"I can't."

"Please." I beg her. I feel the all too familiar prick of defeat on my heart. I bury my face in her shoulder.

The way she smells is hypnotizing, even after a workout or sex she smells great. It's all the original scent of her. I breathe her in letting the scent surround me like a soft blanket on a cold winter night.

"Listen to me." I feel her lips brush against my ear. "I've made up my mind."
"No, we have to try." I tighten my hold on her, my eyes burning with tears.

"We did." Her hands grip mine easily pulling them apart. "That was it."

How could that be it? I can't let it be. "I love you." I blurt out the words without second thought.

"I love you too."

"Prove it." I look into her eyes daring her with mine.

"I am. I'm letting you go." It sounds so simple and so wrong.

Out the corner of my eye I see Lindsey waving at me. I guess my time is up.

I know I shouldn't have expected so much out of our first encounter. Just like Olivia's pursuit of me I'm going after her.

I stand up closing the gap between us. "I've made up my mind too. I'll see you later."

"Natalia."

"Shh." I place my finger over her lips. "If you ever need someone to show you around, call me." I replace my finger with my lips one last time.

My knees grow weak when her tongue flicks across my lips.

It takes everything in me to tear myself away from her. I walk away from her meeting Lindsey at the door.

"Are you okay?'

"No.' I watch Olivia sit back down at the bar with her back to us.

We exit the bar finding Rodney smoking outside.

"How'd it go?" He coughs on the smoke which doesn't smell like regular cigarette smoke.

Lindsey takes the drug out of his hand throwing it to the ground and stomps on it.

"Sunday." I speak to him rather curtly. I know he is helping but I'm pissed. I want my wife back. Kissing her just makes me miss what we had even more.

"Easier said than done."

"Get her there Rodney." I throw over my shoulder walking away from the bar.

"You're welcome by the way."

I wait outside of the church doors adjusting my low cut dress. It's no where near as risqué as Olivia's but it will have to do.

I don't know how Rodney did it but he got Olivia to show up.

I saw them walk in a few minutes ago. Now all I have to do is gather the nerve to approach her again and the strength not to fall apart if she walks away.

Here goes nothing.

I stand up straighter holding my shoulder high and pushing my chest out.

Walking through the double doors I feel a few eyes fall upon me. I immediately catch Blake's eye and give her the go ahead.

The newly freed Bailey follows her over to Olivia who is standing in the corner talking to Rodney.

Like they practiced the move Blake and Bailey take the spot in front of Olivia as Rodney turns away giving me the thumbs up.

I edge close to where they are. Everything is going smooth so far.

Olivia looks confused and very out of place. It's not like her to stand in the corner of any place. She's always the center of attention and I've turned her into a crab.

Although her being confused is not a bad thing. I want to keep her on her toes like she had me. Never quite knowing where or when I'll show up to woo her.

I can tell Bailey is not a suit and tie man. Just like Rafe he keeps adjusting his tie and collar. In the last twenty seconds he has clipped and unclipped his tie about 5 times. I'm sure he's as nervous like everyone else. I'm sure if Doris every found out Rodney or Bailey were helping she would have their heads.

I signal for Blake to hurry up, my nerves are already shot from the other night. Rejection is a hard thing for me to swallow.

Blake elbows Bailey in his ribs.

"Fuck Binky." Bailey rubs his side.

Blake gives him an evil eye at his nickname for her.

"Oh right sorry." Bailey clears his throat. "What is she doing here?" He says it stiffly and choppy like he was reading form a cue card.

I can see the change in Olivia's posture immediately, obviously she hasn't forgotten, probably the reason she refuses to turn around even thought I'm standing so close behind her.

Blake rolls her eyes, huffing. "Would you just turn around?"

"No, I already told her I'm not playing this game."

I step around her in the middle of there triangle. I feel like everyone is looking at us but I push on. "Since you won't talk I will."

Blake and Bailey give us some room stepping back.

"You didn't trust me enough to tell me that you were having problems. I'm supposed to be your wife and you still can't come to me. I wanted you rely on me like I did you."

"I couldn't." She blurts out the words, regret written all over her face. She pinches her lip shut to keep any more words from coming out.

When it's clear she's not going to continue I do. "Yes you can. All I want to do is be there for you but you won't let me. I can be a pillar for you."

She shakes her head, her finger playing with her wedding ring that I didn't even notice she was wearing.

That has to be a good sign.

I take her hand putting our matching rings beside each other. "You see this."

Her eyes fall to our hands.

"This means a lifetime. I swore to love and protect you. I know I haven't fully practiced the last part, but if you would give me a chance I promise to do the best I can."

Olivia pulls her hand away holding it close to her chest. "You have to stop." She chokes on the words her eye glossing over with water.

"Why? Why would I let the best thing that has ever happened to me slip away?" I comb a stray lock behind her ear like I have so many times before. "I want you to come home."

"I can't."

"Then I'll see you later." I lean in kissing the side of her mouth. She turns her head pulling me in a hungry kiss.

The taste of salty tears mingles with the mint of fresh breathe.

I pull back wiping a few tears off her cheek.

Now I'm sure we have everyone's attention. The noise and movement around us has ceased.

"I'm not worth it." Olivia speaks so softly but full of conviction which breaks my heart to know she feels that way.

It kills me even more to know I treated her that way.

"Give me another chance to show you that you are."

"Natalia." I hear my name whispered.

"If everyone would take a seat." Father Ray comes over the speakers system.

Olivia stares into my eyes before hanging her head down. "Just…stop."

"No."

Olivia didn't even wait until service was over she left and as much as I wanted to follow her I couldn't. I have to give her some space. I really don't deserve a second chance not with the way I acted. I need a second chance, I need my wife.

We meet outside of the church as everyone else leaves. Lindsey is adamant that our plan is working but I'm sure something more could be done. Something is holding Olivia back I need a break through.

"Don't tell me you don't know what the problem is?" Blake huffs.

"Blake if I knew I would have done something about but al I can think of is that she's hurt."

"Of course she's hurt but you have an adversary named Doris Wolfe whispering in her other ear." She points at Rodney. "He's a double agent."

I punch Rodney in his side. "I thought you were on my side."

"I am, but" He holds his hands you to block another punch. "Doris is my friend and she doesn't want Olivia to jump in too fast."

"What did she say?" We all surround him. He'll talk if he wants to keep his hair.

"She just told Olivia to think really hard and don't forget what happened." Rodney sneers at Blake.

"Olivia will never come around if Doris tells her not to, we have to talk to her." I turn to Blake. "Please?"

"Oh no, I'm finished talking to her."

"Fine." I guess I'll have to do it myself. Olivia is worth doing battle with her.

I march into the so called Mayor's office. How dare she interfere with our relationship? I know she doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual but I will not stand by while she talks behind my back trying to break up our family.

I push her door open; it bangs against the wall behind it. I hope it puts a hole in the wall. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

Rodney jumps in his seat beside Doris's big desk. He looks truly scarred…for me.

In an unusual slip of her emotionless façade, Doris's mouth twist in anger, her eye jump in surprise then darken in anger before settling back into their normal place. All in a second her face changes from surprise to anger to nonchalant.

"To what do I owe this visit?"

Her assistant comes in skidding to a halt. "I tried to stop her-"

Doris puts up her hand stopping her from further explanation. "Close the door please."

I stand in front of her desk waiting for her answer.

As soon as the door closes her face shift back to anger, something I can say I have rarely seen from the Mayor. I almost didn't think she was capable of many emotions. "You-"

I stop her before I exploded. "My name is Natalia. Not You, her, Olivia's girlfriend, wife or significant other I would appreciate it if you referred to me as such."

Her lips press together. I don't know it she's thinking or too upset to speak. Right now I don't care I have bigger things to think about but I came to give her a piece of my mind so I can't back down now. "I want to know this instant what you don't like. Why is it every time I turn around you are whispering in Olivia's ear about me?"

"I-"

"No, I told you at the wedding I would fight you and I will. You had your chance with Olivia now it is mine so stop interfering with our marriage. I get that you're her best friend and as her friend you should want to see her happy and she is happy with me and our family." I shout at her. "Yes I messed up but I'm trying to make it up. We were happy and we can be again." She is still frowning but the anger lines have disappeared from her forehead.

"Are you-"

"No I'm not finish I won't be for a long while." I huff but all the fiery has left me stand feeling rather run down. I take a seat in one of her chairs. Calmly I ask her one simple question that as plagued me from the beginning. "Why don't you want us together?"

She waits looking at me, trying to see if I will interrupt her again. "I don't like you."

I can't say I'm surprised I already knew that.. "Why? I haven't done anything to you." I am barely able to squeak the question out.

"Why do we have to have this conversation every year, I just don't."

"So because you don't like me you're trying to break us up?"

"Of course not, I'm not that petty. But let me tell you, you are doing a better job of that than I ever could." She leans back in her thousand dollar black leather chair.

I know it because I don't like her but she look like an evil villain. I can just see leaning in that chair plot her next evil deed.

I don't know if I cold seriously win against her and Rodney. If they wanted they could probably gang up and tear Olivia away from me forever. "I think you are that petty. I think you realize that you want what we have and you want Olivia." I challenge her giving her my best motherly don't you dare lie to me look. "If you can't be happy no one can."

"You're right I do want Olivia." She leans forward as a gasp escapes me without permission. "A long time ago I wanted Olivia more than I wanted anything and did everything I could to be with her. And you know what happen I won. I was with her for all of a week."

"Now you want her back?" I tell her, my hand shaking in anger. It aches to reach up and slap her.

"No, now I want her to be happy, I want her to stay clean, I want the best for her. And let me tell you something I will not let you or anyone else get away with hurting her. All I want is to protect her."

Maybe it's the slight waver in her voice or the intense look in her eye but I believe her. I know she would do anything for Olivia. She has proven time and time again, dropping everything in a second to be her protector. I believe her but that does change how I feel. "I get it. I do. Olivia is like family to you and you are feeling guilty for the years of drug abuse you watched, but Olivia is a grown woman, she can make decision for her self without holding your hand. And as far as being her protector goes that's my job. I am her wife and what ever is going on I can help her through."

"I guess protection for you is running off with your boy crush instead of working things out."

Yep that hurt, a lot because it's true. "I deserved that. I know. I hurt Olivia because she hurt me when she went off to play with you and Rodney."

Doris stands slapping her desk.

Both Rodney and I jump.

She leans over her desk towards me. "Off to play! You think watching your best friend puke up everything is fun. You think sitting in a dark room while she recounts every second of her assault is fun. You think I like to hear how I failed to protect her on so many occasions is fun!" Her voice rises surprising me even more. I never thought I would see the day Mayor Wolfe, the cold hearted bitch she can be would cry. The tears shine bright in her eyes and I can't believe she lets them fall. "You don't know shit about our relationship and what we've been through. You don't know the time and effort we put into helping her get clean. You don't the shit I've had to deal with while we were in a so called rehab. So don't you fucking come in here and tell me we went away to have fun."

I lower my voice. "I don't want to get in a pissing contest with you, all I want is for you to back off so I can talk to her without your input. I know I did wrong and I acted so immaturely it is unforgiveable but I am trying to make it right. If you would let her give me a chance. Please."

Rodney looks back and forth between us like a tennis match ref.

Doris stays quite so I decide to take it as a yes.

"Thank you."

"I didn't say yes." She sits down calmly.

"You don't have to, and I promise to make this right."

She fold her hands leaning back in her chair. "The only reason is because I know what you did."

My jaw drops and I look at Rodney who refuses to look at me. "I just wanted to protect and defend her."

"That's all I want."

I turn walking to the door.

"I just want to tell you this. You have one more chance with Olivia and if you every hurt her again…" Doris walks around her desk opening the door for me. She inches from my face. "I don't care how many children you have or how Olivia protest I will kill you with my hands and no one will ever find you."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I promise." I walk out of the office with my head high, now to prove it to the one person that counts.

So out last meeting didn't turn out the way I would have liked but like I said I have more tricks up my sleeve.

I might have broken the law with this last scheme but it's for a good cause.

Blake has the limo on standby, Olivia's car is already gone and I'm in position. All I need is for Olivia to walk out of the store.

I sit for another 10 minutes before she emerges.

She walks out of the store with her clicker in hand. She presses the button listening.

"Olivia!" I yell her name while she looks for her car. I catch up to just a little out of breathe and nervous. "We gotta stop meeting like this."

Olivia huffs rolling her neck. "Did you steal my car?" She sounds mad.

"No… but do you need a ride?" I pull out my phone speeding dialing Blake. I slide the phone back in my pocket, just like she did.

The only problem is things aren't going as smoothly as they did then. We stand in the middle of the parking lot for what seems like an hour. Olivia stares at me, her jaw tight.

"It'll be here in a minute." I laugh nervously. Where the hell is Blake?

"Natalia this is ridiculous."

The black stretch limo finally pulls beside us.

"I'd be happy to give you a ride any where you want."

Olivia rolls her eyes, and then I see it. A small but noticeable smile creeps onto her lips. "Did I come off as superficial?"

"No but get in anyway." I open the door waiting for her to get in.

"No, now where is my car?" She stumps her foot.

We both stand off against each other waiting.

Blake gets out of the car leaning against the hood of the car. "Olivia if you don't get in this car I swear to God. I didn't just get a 200 dollar ticket for nothing. Now get in." Blake growls, her face red as a cherry.

"Please." I pled with her taking in her appearance for the first time in days. She looks worn down. The lines on the face and dark circles under her eyes are more prevalent. Her eyes are a dull green and whites are a tinted red.

Sometimes I forget this is taking as much a toll on her as it is me. Not only is she dealing with us but trying to recover from a relapse resulting from almost being raped.

I take her hand pulling her to the opening of the door. With a second of hesitation she climbs into the car.

I follow her closing the door behind me and suddenly I have nothing to say. So I start the DVD player.

Our wedding video starts to play.

Olivia's eyes instantly water glued to the scene on the small television.

"I think you've cried enough." I catch her chin making her look at me instead of the video. "Don't you think?"

Olivia bites her lip down casting her eyes.

"Have you been sleeping?"

"I can't."

"Me neither. I need you beside me."

A single tear escapes from the pool in her eyes as she nods her head.
"Come home."

"I can't." She sobs leaning into me with her head on my shoulder. "I want to but I can't. You left me."

"I know, I'm sorry baby. Words could never express." I rock Olivia against my body. She relaxes just little, her body falling heavily against me. I can feel her trembling in effort to keep from falling completely apart.

"Come here." I scoot back against the door stretching my leg the long way on the seat. Olivia crawls into my lap laying her head on my chest.

I hold her tight against my chest trying to stop her from shaking.

Did I do this to her? She seemed to be doing better before I ruined it. I wonder if she puts me in the same category as all her other sexual partners. I can't even call them lovers, they didn't love Olivia. No one could love Olivia like I do, but not many have hurt her like I have. I have to fix it.

"I got you." I look down at her fluttering eyelids. Once again her eyes are glued to the video playing.

Olivia climbs a little high tucking her head under my chin. "You were happy, right?"

"Always." I rub small circle on her back watching the scene unfold until I feel her breathing even out.

"Blake?"

The divider lowers, "Where to?"

"Take us to the hotel garage."

"Sure thing."

I lay in the dark limo still holding my broken wife. She's been sleeping for almost two hours. She barely moved when I rolled her on her side onto the seat. She only squirmed to get closer to me before fall back into a deep sleep.

I made sure to keep her close and her grip on my shirt hasn't eased since.

I still can't believe I let it get so out of control. I don't know how we let so much dedication and love be ruined in a span of a summer.

"I love you." I whisper kissing Olivia's temple.

She snuggles closer to me then begins to wake up.

Her eyes open staring into mine. The fog of sleep begins to lift unveiling shock.

"I'm still here." It's all I can think of because clearly she didn't believe I would be.

Olivia doesn't respond, she simply lays her head back on my arm.

I lay down nestling my forehead against hers. "You want to go upstairs?"

Olivia closes her eyes the tears soaking her eyelashes. "Yes."

When we get up to the penthouse Olivia has again established a space between us.

"Can I get you something?" She steps off the elevator slowly walking to the kitchen.

"I'm fine Olivia."

She piddles around in the kitchen moving things then putting them back.

I enter the kitchen watching her shoulder sink lower by the second. "Olivia, come here." I hold my arms out.

Olivia stops her fiddling and closes the gap between us. "You need some rest and don't say you can't."

Still Olivia shakes her head no.

"Yes." I walk her to the bedroom lying down beside her on the bed.

After a few minutes of lying with her it's clear she's not going to sleep. "Tell me what I can do to make it better."

Olivia rolls away from but scoots back to my body. "Nothing."

"Then talk to me and let me know why."

We lay in silence for a long while.

"The way you were looking at me."

"When?" I prop myself up on my elbow looking down at her.

"The disappointment in your eyes was killing me."

I shake my head even though she can't see me. "I was worried."

Olivia curls in to herself. "It was killing me and I needed time to think because I wanted to tell you. I did. I was going to but I didn't want you to know I had been drinking and look at me like everyone else does."

"I would never."

"You did." Her shoulders begin to shake.

"I…" I put my hand on her shoulder only for her to push me off practically jumping off the bed.

"You used me Natalia!" Olivia screams.

"I'm sorry."

"NO, NO. That's not enough!" She screams so loud I'm sure the floor beneath us can hear. Olivia lowers her voice leaning against a wall. "What hurt the most is that you wouldn't even talk to me. I called you so many times and I came to see you because I knew that if you saw me or talked to me you would…You fucked me and ran to him."

"No." Her words hurt but I can't deny most of them are true.

"You did it to hurt me." She points accusingly at me.

"Olivia please."

"You used me because you know I would be hurt, because I hurt you." Olivia hides her face in her hands. "I didn't mean to hurt you I swear."

I scramble off the bed standing in front of her. "You're right, I was hurting. You hurt me and I couldn't get past that. I couldn't but I never ever wanted to hurt you the way I did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I take Olivia's hands. "But I'm here now begging for another chance. Please give us another chance."

"I don't want you here." Olivia pulls out of my grasp.

"You do, it's just like you said, too stubborn for your own good. God Olivia I love you-"

The words seem to be the breaking point, she cuts off the rest of my words screaming at me. "You can hardly look me in the eye and you came here to tell me you love me."

My emotions boil over too. "You want to know why it's so hard for me to look you in the eye…huh? Because before you left you died. You almost died in my arms while I was screaming for help and just praying for you to hold on. Your eyes rolled back and I thought that was it. No more fighting, no more hug, no more dinners. It would all end on a cold bathroom floor."

Olivia looks at me with her jaw tight.

"You don't know how hard it was for me to see you in the back of an ambulance again. I saw them shock you, Olivia. They shoved a tube down your throat." I put my hands on her chest feeling the erratic beating of her heart. "You weren't breathing, you were gone and all I think about was what I did or didn't do. What would I tell our children?"

Olivia's eyes soften.

"You died Olivia and every time I close my eyes I see you lying there. I can't even go in my own bathroom because I see you there. I have panic attacks when you close a door because I wonder if I'll be too late this time or God forbid Rafe or Emma find you." I back up putting room between us. "What really hurts is that you don't seem to care. You act like it never happened. While I'm worried sick to my stomach you run off without even seeing me before you left." I walk around the bed for more space. "Why do you think I've been trying to distance myself from you? Why would I give myself to a person who is hell bent on killing themselves."

Olivia stares at the floor, shaking her head.

"God Olivia you don't know what it is like to sit in that hospital being asked questions I can't answer. And to top it all off Rick tells me you tried to kill yourself and this wasn't the first time!"

"I didn't."

"Stop lying for two seconds!" I scream at her. "I am being as honest as I can so help me Olivia and do the same."

Slowly she nods her head. "I'm sorry."

I walk back to her lowering my voice. "Things have been very tough and no one person is to blame. But I will take full responsibility for the way I acted. I thought I hated you, I tried but I love you too much." I take her face in my hands, waiting until she looks up at me. "There is nothing else to say about it. If you don't trust me I get why. But I can't be happy without you. I can't."

Olivia nods her head again. "I do trust you just not with this." She points at her heart.

I try to keep a beaten look off my face. I can't give up just yet. I know I can get through to her.

Olivia's eyes jump from me to the bed and back. Her legs are shaking and her hands are wound tightly together.

"You need to rest." I sit on the bed kicking my shoes off. I crawl up to my knees at the end of the bed in front of her. "If you don't want this to mean anything that's fine, but come lay down with me so you can sleep."

"I'm fine." Even as she says this she move to the foot of the bed

"Even I can see you're anything but fine." I move closer to her pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I won't push for anything so just lay down." I take her hand gently pulling her closer to the oversized bed. "I do want you to know I never stopped loving you and I'm willing to give you all the time you need."

"Thank you." She whispers ducking her head under my chin.

A few seconds of standing in my arms Olivia's tongue running along my collarbone.

"Olivia?"

Aggressively Olivia pushes me down holding my hands above my head. The look in her eye could scare a person. But I know what she's doing. She's asserting her dominance over me, taking back the power.

I lay submissively determined not to struggle with her. I know she won't take it far not in this state. She just needs to prove a point. Sex is probably the last thing on her mind.

She straddles my hips ducking down nipping at the column of my neck.

I bite my lip to keep from moaning. Even though I know what she's doing and that this is wrong, my body can't help but react.

She rises up looking down at me.

"If this will make you feel better go ahead."

Her eyes soften as she repositions herself between my legs. She lets go of one of my hand running hers down my body. First unbuttoning my shirt and squeezing my breast almost until it hurts. Her eyes stay glued to my free hand making sure I don't move.

Her fingertips trail just above the low cut waist band of my jeans. Then as suddenly as she started Olivia backs off standing up from the bed.

I sit up on the bed watching Olivia pace the room. "I love you."

"No, you don't." She rakes her hands roughly through her hair. "I love you more than I have ever loved anyone."

I get up onto my knees trying to keep the smile off my face. She said love instead of loved, the tide just might be shifting. "I love you too."

Olivia clears her throat. "I finally figured out why I couldn't come to you with my problem."

I sit back on my heels waiting for her to continue.

"I started to have these thoughts and dreams about you. You would do these things when I said no, I begged you." She starts to wear a hole in the carpet. "It used to be you would save me, but then you turned in to them. You held me down and the look you gave me…" Her voice breaks so much I can't comprehend what she is saying. But I don't need to.

"I would never."

"I know. I know that now." Finally she looks into my eyes smiling just a bit. "I believe that."

"Never forget it."

Olivia holds her hand out to me. "Prove it."

I take it standing off the bed.

"I love you." Olivia whispers in my ear.

I have to calm myself down by counting to ten. Right now I feel like flipping over this building. "I love you more."

Olivia kisses me so softly I could cry. When we pull apart Olivia pulls off her shirt slinging it in the corner.

"What are you doing?" I laugh nervously because I would love to make love to my wife, but I know this is not the time. We've just started to make some leeway in reconciling.

Olivia doesn't speak instead she steps out of her jeans, standing in front of me in a dark purple underwear set. Even as pale as she looks Olivia is gorgeous.

"I'm not scared of you in fact I've come to a different conclusion." Olivia pushes me back onto the bed crawl on top of me. Her eyes are a smoky green full of desire and loss."I love you so much that I am willing to beg in front of this entire town." She unbuttons my pants pulling my knee up to her hip. "You wouldn't believe how many times I called your voice mail just to hear your voice. Or how many times I've cried over our wedding photos."

I listen to her words almost stunned at her actions. "Olivia maybe we should-"

"Shh." Olivia stretches out on top of me. She retakes me wrist pinning them beside my head all the while nipping and sucking on my neck. "If you love me so much prove it. Right now love me."

"I can't." Her grip loosens as her body begins to shake. "It wouldn't prove anything for us have sex. But I will prove by being here for you. Everyday I'm going to come here show you just how much you mean to me. If we have me, Rafe, and Emma will reserve a room at this hotel and stay here until you decide to some home."

"Natalia?"

"Baby?" I roll us on our side rubbing my hand down her arm.

"Natalia?"

"Yes." I move back so I can look her in the eyes. The desire and fear are replaced with an unmistakable glow of love. I run my finger down her arm watching the goose bump form.

"Just…one last time. Can we make love one last time? I need that."

I feel everything in me seizes up. I thought we were having a breakthrough. She's testing me. I swallow a big chuck of my pride and sorrow, trying my best not to cry.

"I love you and nothing can change that." I sit up swinging my legs over the side of the bed. "These last couple of months have taught me so much about myself. But the number one thing is that I can't be happy without you, no matter how much I tried to hate you." I turn back to Olivia spinning my ring around my finger.

"I never wanted to hurt you, but I did just that using you for my own pride. I am truly sorry and I understand if you can't or won't forgive me because I can't do it myself but if you could find something, anything in your heart for us to try again I promise to never leave your side. I don't care if we never have sex again. I just want to be able to tell you every day that I love you when you get home. I want to see you smile and play without children. I want to be your wife again, I want us."

Olivia just stares at me.

"If you in your heart of hearts know that you don't want to be with me…"

Olivia climbs off the bed retrieving her shirt. She walks to the open door looking out into the living room.

This time I can't stop the sob from erupting from my chest. If she walks out on me I don't know what I'll do.

Instead of walking out Olivia closes the door leaning back against it, slowly sliding down to the floor. "The dream I had about you."

My chest begins to burn and I realize I'm holding my breath. I don't care if I never breathe again, so I concentrate on hanging on to every word Olivia speaks.

"It didn't start until around the time we…I had had it before then but it started up again until it was happening every night. And I didn't know how to stop it. So I started drinking thinking at least I can control that. It just seemed like all these thought were running through my head about how you saw me and how everyone else saw me." She pulls her knees up to her chest laying her forehead on them. "You left me to fend for myself."

I crawl off the bed sitting on my knees beside her. "You know I would protect you with my dying breath if I had to." I slide my legs around her body pulling her into the cocoon of my arms.

"That's what I thought." Olivia leans into me her non-stop tear soaking my open shirt. "But then you left, I thought I had gotten over the dream, that I wouldn't be afraid anymore. I thought you felt that change and you wanted me back."

I pull back looking her in the eyes.

"I did everything you asked of me." The look in her eye is killing me.

"I know I was just too blind to see the effort you were making."

She leans back into me wrapping her arms around me squeezing until it hurts.

"Don't do that again."

"Never."

"I don't want to feel like that again."

We sit in total silence. I let the relief flood through my body but there is still so much that needs to be said."If this has any chance of making it, I want us to go back to therapy." I swallow the lump in my throat. I just got her back and already making demands. "I want that so we can really trust each other. And I know Doris and Rodney are you confidants but I need you to let me in too even if I can't help or it seems silly to you."

"Okay."

"Actually I've been thinking and you were right I let sex cloud my mind with you but that only because it was the only time I felt like you opened up to me. Sometimes it feels like it is the only part you save for me, but no more…no more sex until we both feel healed and trusting."

Olivia laughs into my chest.

"I'm serious."

"I know."

"One more thing."

Olivia lifts her head, her face pulled down in to a worried frown.

"Say you love me."

Her face light up. "I love you Natalia."

"I love you more."