Bianca 's feelings were a mass of contradictions. She was mad at herself for succumbing to Janet's charms yet again, but oh, it felt so good to make love to her like before. Bianca had vowed to break things off completely, but at the first hint of possible reconciliation, she had rushed over. She had complained that Janet didn't talk things over with her, but when Janet was ready to talk, she wasn't ready to listen. And neither one had done much talking the night before. Although, she smiled ruefully, they had had much better things to do. She had meant it when she told Janet she didn't want her to change. Janet's passion for justice was one of her most appealing characteristics ( well, that and her stunning beauty) but she did want Janet to change the dynamics of their relationship, to treat her as a real partner, to share her thoughts, not just her bed. Bianca was proud of herself for standing up to the indomitable Janet King, but she had asked herself a thousand times if she had walked away too soon. Did she dare try one more time? Was the risk of more heartache worth the reward of a future with Janet and her family? The odds did seem to be tilting more in her favor. Liam was certainly on her side, and Emma had warmed up to her at last. So if Janet really was ready to talk - and to listen - Bianca was willing to try.
Bianca was so deep in thought that the buzz of the phone startled her, making her spill some tea. The text from Janet read , "Kids have track 2 nite. How about tomorrow? Come for dinner?" Bianca replied."In Canberra the rest of the week. Saturday?" "Fine. About 6?" "See you then." Bianca hoped the talking would be easier than the scheduling.
Janet's heart fluttered with hope, a feeling that had disappeared over the past miserable month since the NCC reference had come to naught. Okay, the ATO had gotten a pile of money, but Darren Faulkes was still free and Owen was acting like he had scored a major victory over her. None of that really mattered, though. Richard was safe and Pearl had settled in nicely at soccer school. Darren Faulkes would eventually pay for his crimes, she was sure of that, but how could she ever win Bianca back? Over and over in her mind she replayed those words, "It's too late", felt the cold press of metal into her hand, and watched the woman she loved turn around and walk away. Her own misery was bad enough, but it was compounded by having to answer the twins' daily question, "Is Bibi coming over?" with an evasive "Not tonight." Thankfully, they never asked why, because how could she explain to her children when she couldn't fully come to grips with it herself?
Now Liam's phone call had given her another chance. Bianca wouldn't have come over if there weren't at least a possibility of reconciliation. The tension and awkwardness at the dinner table were forgotten in the bedroom, as each kiss and caress reaffirmed that they belonged together. She just needed to convince Bianca. Last night's actions were a good start, but the two still needed to talk.
Saturday night there was an air of excitement at the dinner table. The twins were blossoming foodies- no plain old spag-bog for them. Tonight they had helped prepare a chicken and sweet potato curry,which turned out quite well despite the daunting recipe. Four happy people - could they become one happy family? The younger two saw no problems with that.
After baths and stories, the twins were reluctantly tucked into bed. The two women finished cleaning the kitchen in silence, each hesitant to start the conversation. Finally the kitchen was spotless and a bottle of wine opened. They sat down at the table across from one another, each eyeing the other expectantly. They sipped their wine. They looked at their wine glasses, then again at each other.
Finally Janet broke the silence. "I love you, Bianca. What can I do to convince you of that?"
Bianca frowned slightly. "I know you do. And I love you, too. Although God knows I've been trying to talk myself out of it for the past month."
Ooh, that stung. Janet could not help but flinch at the words, even though they were delivered in a quiet, almost reflective tone. She let the words sink in, then asked in an equally quiet voice, "If we both agree that we love each other, why are we sitting here like this, barely able to speak to one other?"
"Because we haven't talked about and agreed on what we both want from this relationship."
"Then tell me what you want." Janet's tone had a hint of exasperation, but she was making every effort to be calm and open to whatever Bianca was going to say. This was nothing like court, where she knew where the testimony was going, and where she could get just about any witness to wilt under her resolute questioning. In truth, she was the one about to wilt under Bianca's wistful gaze.
"I told you. I want to come first with you, and not feel guilty about it or feel like I'm being needy. I want us to be true partners, and partners should put each other first. I don't mean ahead of the twins. Of course you have to be there for them. But I want you to talk things over with me, anything that's important in your life. I want to share your life. I've been in relationships before and when they ended, I realized that I wasn't giving up much because there hadn't been much there. I want so much more than that now, because I love you so much. But I won't be just someone you turn to when you happen to have some spare time." She let out a deep sigh.
Janet sat there, frozen, just as she had been the night of the breakup. That night she had been in too much shock to speak. Now she was afraid to speak, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of losing Bianca for good. The "spare time" remark was so unfair, but she didn't want to start an argument over it, so she kept quiet.
Bianca spoke again. "Maybe it's not fair to judge you by my past relationships, but I can't help it. I was in love with a woman named Fiona - we lived together for five years. We shared everything - at least, at first. But gradually we drifted apart. Too involved in our separate careers, like so many other couples. She was a systems analyst, and traveled a lot. As you know, my work hours can be crazy. It's not easy being a cop or being with a cop. So I do appreciate your patience there. Finally we both realized that our relationship wasn't working out any more, so we split up. But I've never forgotten how good the good parts were, and I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less. You were with Ash a long time, weren't you? What was your relationship like?"
Ash. Ash. Ash. The memories came flooding back. Ash's sweet, gentle smile. Her laugh. The memory of her touch, her kiss. Almost 12 years they were together, and Ash was always there for her. Until she lay on the ground, dead from the bullet meant for Janet. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
Bianca was immediately contrite. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to upset you." She reached for Janet's hand, but was brushed away.
"I think you'd better go now." Janet stood up and ushered the guilt-stricken Bianca to the door. Bianca grasped Janet by the elbow, and with the other hand stroked a delicate path down Janet's damp cheek. She placed a gentle kiss on Janet's lips.
"We'll get through this." Then Bianca turned and walked out the door, leaving Janet dazed and hurting, but with a glimmer of hope.