Janet sat in her car, with a clear view of the entrance to the parking deck next to Bianca's apartment building. She had been sitting there for forty-five minutes, but time passed so slowly that it felt like forty-five days. How did Bianca have the patience for stake-outs? Just one of the many things Janet loved about her. If only she could have the chance to tell her so. For the tenth time, she went over what she was going to say to Bianca once she had the opportunity. No opening statement would ever be as important.
At last the familiar blue Hyundai turned into the deck. Janet waited fifteen more minutes, long enough for Bianca to get inside, change into casual clothes and be relaxing. Maybe even having a glass of wine. Something to put her in a receptive frame of mind.
As Janet heard footsteps coming to answer the doorbell, her heart rate shot up and she was filled with a sense of hope tinged with apprehension. After days of unanswered phone calls and texts, she was finally going to get a chance to talk to Bianca. But her hopeful smile faded when she saw the stony look on Bianca's face. Hesitantly she asked, "May I come in?" Wordlessly, Bianca stepped back and allowed Janet to enter. "Thanks for seeing me. There's so much I want to say, so much we need to talk about. Can we sit down and talk?" She motioned to the sofa.
Bianca did not move. "You can say whatever you need to say right there."
Janet dropped her eyes briefly, then took a deep breath and looked imploringly at Bianca. "First of all, I owe you a huge apology. When you asked me about Ash, I over-reacted, and I don't even know why. I learned to accept her death a long time ago, and while yes, a part of me will always love her and miss her, I love you and want to be with you and I want you to be part of my family. You, me and the twins, together." When Bianca remained silent, Janet's tone became more contrite.
"I was wrong to shut you out, to ask you to leave. If we're truly going to be partners, we have to be able to share things like that with each other." Bianca couldn't hide her surprise at hearing such a statement coming from Janet King. The inimitable prosecutor gave her a rueful smile. " My sister Liz told me I was an idiot. She also told me to grovel. So I'm groveling." She clasped her hands in front of her body and bowed her head. "Please give me another chance."
Bianca's features softened. "I can't make such a big decision on an empty stomach. Have you had dinner yet? "
"No, I was out in my car for hours waiting for you. How do you stand it? Just sitting in a car waiting for someone to appear or something to happen."
"All part of the job. I'm used to it. And the results can make up for all the boring parts." She poked around in the fridge until she assembled enough ingredients for a quick stir-fry. Soon they sat down to a simple but tasty dinner. A little small talk was exchanged, but both wanted to save the real issue for after dinner. When the dishes were cleared, they sat on the sofa. Janet took another deep breath, looked at Bianca, then turned to stare straight ahead.
"We moved here when I was seven. My sister Liz made friends right away and didn't have any trouble fitting in. But I did. I asked her how she did it, but she couldn't explain it. My parents weren't any help, either. So I learned not to ask. I kept things to myself. And I still do. Old habits die hard. I did learn how to open up with Ash, but then she was gone, and I was left on my own with two small children. I had to ask for help with them. And I have been very lucky to get such wonderful support from a lot of different people, you included." They looked at each other and nodded. "But because I needed so much help with them, I couldn't bring myself to ask for help for me, aside from the professional counseling. So I got used to making all the decisions on my own. When I didn't ask your advice about Pearl, I wasn't intentionally shutting you out. It just never occurred to me that I should ask somebody else's opinion. And I've had issues with my father for more than twenty years. How could somebody else fix what I haven't been able to?"
"I agree your father is probably a hopeless case. And you found a good solution for Pearl. I just wanted to be involved in the process, to feel involved in the important things in your life, not just in your spare time."
"I see that now. I've thought about it a lot, not just tonight waiting in the car. Ever since you gave the house keys back, I've been trying to think how I can be better - a better partner, a better friend, a better lover."
That put a smile on Bianca's face. "Oh, you do quite well in that respect."
"Don't tempt me," Janet murmured. She gave Bianca a long look full of desire as the atmosphere filled with sexual tension. Mustering an enormous amount of self-control, Janet looked away and exhaled deeply.
"I love you, Bianca. When Ash died, I thought I would never be happy again, but you have given me more happiness than I ever dreamed possible. And I thought you were happy, too, with the kids and with me. I had no idea you were hurting so much, that I was hurting you so much. If I am honest with myself - and with you - it will more than likely happen again. I don't want to you to be hurt. Maybe…. this is so hard to say…..maybe you'd be better off with someone who can make you happier." Janet hung her head dejectedly.
Bianca was taken aback. Was Janet really trying to end their relationship? Her head was swirling. "I was thinking that maybe I wasn't the right one for you. I knew from the beginning how much you missed Ash, and I thought, I hoped I could heal your heart. But even though I love you, too, obviously, I'm not enough. So maybe you'd be better off with someone who could make you happier." She leaned back and let out a deep sigh.
Janet leaned back and took Bianca's hand, entwining their fingers. "I love you. You love me. We both love the twins. This shouldn't be hard to work out." They sat there for a long time, each deep in her own thoughts but conscious of the other, the touch of their hands, their bodies so close, their breathing almost in sync. At last, Janet turned to face Bianca and grasped both hands. "I don't want to be with anybody else. Ever. But maybe I was wrong to ask you to move in with me." Bianca's heart sank, and Janet noticed the forlorn look that came over her. "If you were around all the time, I would be much more likely to tell you what's on my mind, or ask your opinion on things, so you wouldn't feel shut out. And if I talked too much about work, you could just tell me to shut up and kiss you." Janet smiled at the possibility. Bianca's smile was more tentative, mixed with some confusion. "So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying we should talk about not just you moving in and us living together. We should talk about getting married." Bianca was stunned. Despite the shock on her face, Janet continued, "I guess we never talked about it because it was never an option. And I'm not proposing now." Bianca looked puzzled again. "Oh, I would," continued Janet. "Part of me wants to ask you right now - Will you marry me? But I know you would think that too impulsive, that you want to discuss things first. So I'm bringing it up for discussion, and we can talk about it like equal partners. What do you say?"
Bianca was still so stunned that her answer was slow in coming. "I say I'm going to have to think about this for a while. A few days ago I never wanted to see you again. Now you're asking me to marry you."
"No, I'm not. I'm asking you to talk about the possibility of us getting married some day. If we decide that's a reasonable option, then I'll propose. Do you want me to get down on one knee?"
Bianca laughed. "I think what I really want right now is a glass of wine."
She stood up and went into the kitchen, and laid out two glasses and a bottle of red on the counter. "Do you want some?"
Janet, having followed her into the kitchen, murmured, "There's something I want more than wine." Her arms encircled Bianca and she placed a tender kiss on her lips, noting with relief the lack of resistance. "I don't want to presume, so I have to ask, just so we're clear. Does this mean that we still have work to do, but we're back together?"
Bianca melted, first at the kiss, then at the anxious look in Janet's eyes. "Yes, but I'm not ready to talk about marriage, or even think about such a big commitment." Janet's disappointment was visible, but she let Bianca continue. "But I will commit for the rest of the night," she said with a sly grin, and she began unbuttoning Janet's blouse.
With a groan, Janet stopped her. "You know I want this. I could race you to the bed right now. But more than just tonight, I want to wake up with you in the morning. I want to feel you beside me, to see your face first thing. But I also like to be there when the twins wake up. Would you mind terribly if we continued this at my house?"
It was Bianca's turn to groan. "I guess I can wait. But can I get a kiss to tide me over until then?" They indulged in a long, tender kiss. "I'd better go pack a bag before I change my mind and rip your clothes off here and now."
While Bianca packed an overnight bag, Janet texted Tony. "Bianca and I will be there in about 20 minutes."
The drive back was quiet. The reconciliation still felt too fragile, and both were afraid of saying the wrong thing. Better to remain silent and contemplate the delights ahead.
Bianca headed upstairs while Janet escorted Tony to the door. He didn't have to say anything - a nod and a grunt signified his pleasure. As Janet locked the door and headed upstairs, she was anticipating certain pleasures herself - perhaps Bianca was already in bed, naked and waiting. Her footsteps quickened.
She entered the bedroom to find Bianca fully clothed, standing in front of the wardrobe. Janet came up behind her, put her arms around Bianca's waist, and gently kissed her neck. "There's plenty of room in there, and there's plenty of room in the bed." Bianca leaned back, relishing the feel of Janet's body, her scent, her warmth, her breath. She turned and began unbuttoning Janet's blouse. "Can we pick up where we left off?"
"You committed to the rest of the night." Janet said laughingly, pulling her lover over to the bed.
"Hey, we both have to work tomorrow," Bianca protested unconvincingly. "We need to get a little sleep."
And they did get a little sleep - eventually.
The next morning Janet woke and sensed a familiar warmth next to her. She turned over and saw Bianca gazing at her. "You really are here," Janet said with a hint of wonder in her voice.
"Where else would I be?" Bianca chuckled.
"Last night was so wonderful I was afraid I had dreamed it. I love seeing your beautiful face first thing in the morning. Will I see it tomorrow morning, too?" Janet asked hopefully.
"If I get another night like last night, how can I refuse?" Neither was inclined to refuse anything to the other, and the day got off to a very good start.
Janet's day was more or less like any other - a brief court appearance for an arraignment, sifting through witness statements, berating an incompetent solicitor. At 5:00 she began putting files in her briefcase to look at once the twins were asleep. Her hand hovered over the briefcase as she remembered she had different plans for the evening. Swiftly she shoved the briefcase under her desk and walked out carrying only her purse.
She was in the kitchen working on dinner when the doorbell rang. Bianca was standing there with an overnight bag as she opened the door. Her quick hello kiss was followed by a disappointed glance at the bag, which Bianca noticed with a puzzled look of her own. "Did you not want me to stay the night?"
"I was hoping you'd have two giant suitcases and a U-Haul parked outside."
"Please don't rush me, Janet. We're headed in the right direction, but I'm just not there yet." She brushed Janet's cheek tenderly.
Liam burst in. "Hi, Bibi! Come play with me!"
Janet sighed good-naturedly. "Go ahead. I'll finish cooking."
After a relaxed family dinner, filled with silly stories and anecdotes of the twins' adventures, and with the two children finally settled in bed, the two women settled on the sofa, ready to unwind with a glass of wine.
"Did you find anything new in the money-laundering scheme, or can I not ask since I'm not involved in the case?" asked Bianca.
"You can't ask, but that's not why. You can't ask because it's about work, and I can deal with it tomorrow. Tonight I just want to be with you." Bianca's head buzzed, but it wasn't from the alcohol.
The following night Janet beamed when Bianca stood at the door with a very large suitcase. "I'll take your suitcase. Will you take back your keys?" She picked up the set of keys from the table by the door, where they had been laying untouched since their abrupt return. Bianca pocketed them with a nod in recognition of the significance of the moment. Janet kissed her warmly. "Welcome back."
Bianca's expression darkened."Not yet, Janet." Seeing the hurt look in Janet's eyes, she continued, "Not now. We can talk later."
Later came that evening after the twins were in bed and the two women were once again settled on the sofa.
Janet spoke first. " I don't understand. Am I doing something wrong, or not doing something you want me to? I'm really trying, Bianca. What more can I do?"
Bianca quickly gave her a hug and stroked her cheek. "You are being wonderful. I can't tell you how much it means to me when you don't bring work home. I can't explain my hesitation, but when it feels right, I'll know. That's the best I can do right now. But I do love you and I'm happy being here." she leaned over and gave Janet a deep, passionate kiss. "And that's the best I can do."
Janet smiled. "Why don't we go upstairs and I'll do the best that I can do."
By the end of the night each was convinced that the other was very, very good at what she was doing.
They settled into an easy rhythm, the two adults and two children becoming a happy family together, taking each day as it came. Occasionally, inevitably, Janet had to bring work home. And there were also nights that Bianca was out on a case, running surveillance. Both women were learning how to balance their professional drive with their personal priorities. Bianca brought a few things over from her apartment, making the King home feel more like her home, too.
One evening she stopped by the apartment - no particular reason, just to check on things. There had never been plants to water or pets to take care of, but it had always felt like a cozy and comfortable home. She stood in the living room and was struck by the silence and the emptiness. True, the furniture was all still there, but there was no sense of life or home any more. She knew where her true home was now. The sign that she had been waiting for, that gut feeling which told her what she should do, hit her so hard that her legs wobbled.
Janet was sitting on the bed folding clothes when Bianca rushed in, threw the clothes to the floor, and pushed Janet back on the pillows. "I love you, and I would do almost anything for you, Janet, but when we get married, do I have to wear a dress?"