Eren pulled on his coat, which proved to be rather difficult when you were also trying to force an entire strawberry Pop Tart into your mouth.
"Armin, let's go!" Eren yelled, but it came out more like garbled choking, which, in all honesty, wasn't much different than his normal pattern of speech.
Thankfully, years and years of painful kinship had trained Armin to understand whatever messed up language Eren spoke, and he appeared two seconds later, looking like an ad for a school uniform supplier in a navy blue sweater and baggy khakis. The only thing distinguishing him from a Yale prep graduate was his tote bag from Katy Perry's 2012 World Tour, but it was 7am and Eren was too groggy to comment on it.
The two exited the dorm, Armin looking excited, and Eren trying to shove his head through the armhole of his jacket without much luck.
They bumped into Reiner, who was exiting at the same time, and he gave them both a nervous look before shoving past, gripping his Calculus textbook in his hands like a shield.
"I don't think there's much prospect of fostering a friendship with him anymore." Armin commented.
"Who needs him? He's probably drugged up or super into politics or something." Eren replied, finally figuring out the semantics of his jacket and successfully yanking it on.
"You don't really think he was into politics do you? I'd love a friend with a good ear for debate." Armin said longingly.
Eren snorted. "Maybe you're the one that's drugged up. The only people who willingly want to debate politics are old men and drunk single people at a bar."
"Your view on this world is very sad." Armin mumbled, but Eren wasn't paying attention as they trotted down the stairs and into the lobby.
"Eren! Armin! Wait up!"
The two turned around and saw Marco chasing after them down the stairs.
"Is...Is that Marco?" Armin said in bewilderment.
"Maybe he has a twin. Garco." Eren said hopefully.
The scene that played before them was as senseless and gory as a B list zombie movie, while also being as confusing and vomit enducing as the boat scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And it was Marco Bodt.
Not just any Marco Bodt. This Marco Bodt was the product of Jean's deranged mind and Marco's confused innocence, and it was akin to ripping out your eyeballs and throwing them off of the side of a building into a busy street full of concrete mixers.
"Is he wearing eyeliner?" Armin whispered.
"I don't know. I can't see past his hair. I'm not sure those shades of green and purple are supposed to mix." Eren replied.
Finally, something in this world was able to stun him, and he was honestly wishing it never had. Even the most die hard of Eren Hate Club members would be wishing it never had, just so it's sorry existence would be wiped off the face of this earth and the easily penetrated minds of children would be spared.
It was early 2000s emo Marco, and it was horrifying.
"Hey guys, what's up?" Marco said, his cheerful demeanor clashing terribly with his winged eyeliner and bangs with enough gel to slice through a frozen loaf of bread.
"Pete Wentz called, he wants his nightmares back." Eren said instinctively, earning a swift hit in the gut from Armin's binder.
"Fall Out Boy is my favorite!" Marco said, sounding robotic and strange.
"What is happening?" Armin wheezed quietly.
As if an answer to Armin's desperate prayers, Jean followed closely behind, putting his hand on Marco's shoulder like a proud PTA parent.
Even someone as brain dead as Eren could put two and two together. "This 2005 cultural vomit is your doing?" He cried, before turning to Armin. "We should have guessed, really. Jean could mess up anything."
"You're acting like this is a mistake." Jean said accusatorially.
"If you're insinuating it's not, you're a lot dumber than I thought." Eren said.
Jean sighed. "This...this is just the developmental stages, okay?"
"If this is the developmental stage, I'd rather be shot dead right now before I can watch it go any further." Eren replied, and Armin nodded fervently in reply.
"Look, I'm just trying to help Marco find himself. I'm being a good person." Jean argued.
"If you want Marco to find himself, take him to a retreat center or a metal hospital. Don't expose the world to atrocities like this!" Eren cried.
"We're trying to work through every niche until we find one for Marco that isn't Cat Mom." Jean explained.
"This niche died 13 years ago, Jean, it doesn't need to be resurrected." Armin piped up.
"Shut up, Arlert, you're still listening to Call Me Maybe." Jean snapped. And honestly, his argument was valid. He turned back to Eren. "We're just covering all the bases. Marco could have been the one to bring back the scene movement."
"I think we've established he isn't." Eren said, feeling the tiniest bit of compassion for Marco, which was a rare feeling for him, and he turned to the poor boy. "No offense or anything."
"You're just jealous that Marco actually went to me for advice instead of a loser like you." Jean said haughtily.
"That...was actually the furthest thing from my mind." Eren said, starting to sound bored of this entire conversation.
Armin tapped his friend's shoulder. "Um, we better get to class before we're late."
"Thank God, I'll be spared from this eye poison." Eren muttered, turning away.
"You'll be sorry!" Jean yelled at their retreating backs. "Jealous losers!"
"My Chemical Romance is amazing! Gerard Way for life!" Marco squawked like a dying parrot on cocaine.
ooooo
"Listen up, you disgusting, filthy little leeches!" Professor Levi Ackerman yelled at the top of his lungs, pacing back and forth in front of the podium.
29 pairs of terrified eyes stared back at him.
And it was wonderful.
He continued, coming to a stop and grinding his fist into his palm. "College is hard! Some have compared it to places like hell! Or a One Direction concert! That is, before the band split up."
The students murmured amongst themselves, like nervous meerkats.
"You! With the glasses! What's 546 times 854 squared! No calculator!" Levi snapped.
The kid jumped. "This is criminal justice, sir!"
Professor Ackerman crossed his arms. "You think cops don't know how to count, idiot? Because they do. Cops count a lot. Every time you see a cop, ask him a complicated math problem. He. Will. Know. It." Levi slapped his hand on the podium to enunciate his very strange point. "And the answer is 682.8499103. Write that in your notes."
There was a scramble for pen and paper then, interrupted by the sound of the classroom door squeaking open.
"I told you not to stop for breakfast, Eren!" A small voice squeaked, and Levi's professional sniper scope eyes immediately trained on the perpetrators that dared interrupt his class.
Both of them froze, one looking like a He-Man college special episode, and the other like he'd just gotten out of prison for double homicide and never showered a day in his life.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Levi said slowly, picking up his ruler with his freehand, ready to smack someone to death, or lob it into their eye socket, if the moment permitted.
"Is this Freshman Criminal Justice?" The Homicide Boy asked, perking up.
"You tell me." Levi replied flatly.
If eyes could glitter, Homicide Boy's did just then, and it honestly made Levi very uncomfortable. "You're Levi Ackerman, the best cop who has ever lived!" He cried like a Harry Potter fan girl who just found Daniel Radcliffe passed out on the street.
"And you're a sad pig masquerading as a teenager. I'm glad we've been formally introduced." Levi replied, glaring at them. "Now, do you care to tell me why you're 3 minutes and 38 seconds late to my class before I shove you into the door?"
"Is that even legal?" Blonde He-Man piped up, his demeanor very much like a frightened kindergartener.
"I'm the one asking the questions, Anime Cosplayer." Levi snapped, which shut him up instantly.
Homicide Boy stepped forward. "I'm Eren Jaeger of Shiganshina, I have two posters of you, a signed coffee mug, and I know your entire schedule by heart, sir!"
Levi blinked. "Shiganshina? Don't sound so proud. I've heard that place is a craphole." He said blankly, turning to the other student. "And you? Are you as invested in me as your stalker friend is?"
"I'm Armin Arlert, sir." He squeaked, clutching his binder to his chest.
"Wonderful. Well, Eren Jaeger of Shiganshina and Armin Arlert, I would give you a warning, but in the real world, you don't get warnings. Both of you, after class, scrubbing all the desks. You better hope your schedule is free after my class. Now find a seat before I super glue you into one. You have five seconds." Levi ordered.
The two scurried off into the mass of students, and Levi sighed. He swore, with each passing year, the candidates got stupider. At this point, the world would be protected by people like Eren and Armin, and that thought was terrifying.
ooooo
Levi walked into the break room, slamming the door so hard that one of the diploma's on the wall wobbled before falling to the floor and shattering.
"I'm quitting teaching. I will beg on the streets and dance for money, but I will never teach another class of insufferable idiots as long as I live." He muttered darkly.
Erwin Smith, the Latin teacher, glanced up from his book, taking a pull from his coffee mug. "You say that every year." He replied cheerfully.
"Wipe that smirk off your face, you slob." Levi snapped. "If you had to spend the last 30 minutes supervising desk cleaning while one kid asked you nonstop questions and the other was humming the melody to Hit or Miss, you'd want to brain yourself with an electric drill too."
"Sound's like a productive day." Erwin said. Levi rolled his eyes.
"Is Four Eyes around? I couldn't stand another minute with incompetent, sorry excuses for human beings." Levi muttered, walking over to the counter and pouring himself a cup of coffee.
Erwin cocked his head. "Hange? You just missed her. She walked in muttering something about burnt flesh and broke one of your coffee mugs. The one with llamas on it."
Levi's hand clenched around the handle of his cup. "I'm going to kill her."
"Mmm." Erwin murmured, returning to his book, ignoring the loathing look his colleague just shot him.
"The llamas was a gift from my grandmother, Erwin. Hange owes me 16 bucks and a crap load of sentimental value." Levi replied.
"I'll be sure and tell her to write you and IOU for sentimental value." Erwin said distractedly.
"I swear, last night, you know what she did? She brought a rotting hand from the medical department into my house. She brought rotting, human flesh and set it on my coffee table. Which I had just Windexed, might I add."
Erwin blinked. "How did she get that? She's the biology teacher, but even then, she still needs specific permission to remove body parts from the medical wing."
"How should I be able to tell you? All I know is that there is a very faint, yet distinct stench of decomposing human in my apartment, and it's all her fault." Levi muttered, taking a long swig of coffee, as if trying to drown his sorrows.
"I'm serious, Levi, if Hange is stealing donated organs from the lab, there's got to be some sort of security issue here." Erwin said worriedly.
"Hange herself is a security issue." Levi replied numbly, staring out the window. "I wouldn't worry about it. She's been swiping decomposing matter from them since she got here. Then again, it's the first time she's actually tried to bring it to me. What did she think I wanted with it?"
"Levi, that's not the point." Erwin dead panned.
Levi gagged, ignoring Erwin completely. "Does she want me to hold hands with it? Use it to display on my shelf next to a preserved lung and a rotting eyeball?"
"Levi rea-"
"For my birthday last year, she got me off brand Lysol wipes. Did she want me to have streaks all over my counter? It was atrocious. I swear she's trying to give me an aneurism so I'll die and she doesn't have to swipe her severed limbs from the medical department."
Erwin groaned. "You're not even-"
"Maybe I'll kill her first. I can make it look like an accident." Levi said thoughtfully.
Erwin's eyes widened. "What? You can't...that's not...Levi what the hell?"
Levi shrugged, polishing off his coffee. "The only thing that's going to miss her are those two disgusting ferrets she keeps at her place. Sonny and Bean? The black one tried to rip off my finger the other day."
Erwin put his head in his hands. "Each day I work here, I grow closer to death."