"Amir wake up."

There is a slight delay but eventually she got a muffled response that insisted he was awake.

It would have been more convincing if his eyes weren't still firmly shut.

She gives him a gentle elbow to the side and is rewarded with red rimmed eyes that crack open begrudgingly. They focus on her sluggishly with a hint of accusation mixed with overwhelming fatigue.

"McG said you needed to stay awake till he checked you out." She shrugged in excuse.

"G's ovrreacting. M'fine."

She rolled her eyes at the slightly slurred words that undercut his point. Even now as she watched him, his head tilted forward again and started to dip slightly in a way that suggested he was about to drift off again.

She couldn't blame him. He had to be hitting the end of any sort of reserves. She was grateful he had somehow rallied and found a second gear to make it from the ticket booth to here. There was no way she could have carried him. He may look on the smaller side but his slight stature hid a deceptive amount of muscle beneath it. When he first joined the team she had been looking forward to a reprieve when they did injury recovery drills at base. She had been sadly disappointed when it had came time to actually try to carry him as a dead weight.

He hadn't thrown up again since the dock which she was taking as a good sign. She had been a little worried that it would end up all down her back as she weaved the stolen motorcycle in and out of back allies navigating away from the city center. She had told him in no uncertain terms as he mounted behind her that if he puked on her she was dumping his terrorist ass out at the first police station she found. She wasn't sure if he had taken her seriously, or really even if she had been serious, but either way it had worked. She had only started to relax when they had finally reached the quiet suburbs and could cruise straight along at a more moderate pace.

Both of them had managed to scale the moving train with much more grace than their attempts at the dock earlier. She had to give the DIA team credit they had sent them perfect coordinates for a spot where the freight train had to decelerate to switch tracks and they had barely had to break from a light jog to match it's speed and swing up onto it.

And now they finally got to rest a bit, sitting side by side on the floor and taking shelter in behind some bales of hay as they tried to escape the wind whipping through the freight car. The metal sides had large gaps where they met the roof allowing the crisp morning air to slip through unwelcomed. With each gust she was acutely aware of her still damp hair and clothes and she was beginning to shiver lightly as the cold penetrated deeper and deeper. She tucked her legs in and hugged her knees to her chest, lowering her chin to rest on top as she tried to conserve heat.

The steady motion of the train was undeniably soothing and she felt her eyes growing heavy and her tense muscles finally relaxing. Her eyelids remained close for a longer second and then even longer with the next blink. She would just let them rest for one second. Maybe just a quick moment to regroup….

Amir shifted slightly next to her, and caused her to start. She lifted her head guiltily to glance at him. He was oblivious to her as he stretched out slightly and let his head tilted back onto the metal wall behind him. She shook her head, trying to shake the cold and fatigue.

Someone needed to stay awake and keep track of their journey. Plus she was supposed to be monitoring Amir's condition. The way this was going they were both going to be asleep and happily riding the rails right into a border patrol checkpoint.

She turned her head towards Amir again. She needed to find a way to keep them both awake.

"Talk to me."

She felt him stir back to awareness, peering sideways at her without lifting his head off the wall. She could feel his searching gaze as his one functional eye tried to gauge her sincerity.

"What do you want to talk about?" he finally responded softly.

That was a good question. She probably should have thought of that before she opened her mouth. She struggled for a topic, not really knowing anything about the man outside of work related things. The silence stretched and she latched onto the one overarching question she had been struggling with since he had let himself be arrested and beaten.

"Why would you do all this to maintain a cover? Do you really love being Khedani enough to warrant all this?"

She was honestly curious. Obviously a lot of work had been put into this particular cover but new covers could be created. They used a variety of short term ones on a regular basis with their team. She couldn't get past the fact that Amir seemed to be holding tightly to parts of his past as a CIA operative. To her he still seemed half in and half out, and she more than expected that sometime soon he would be gone from their team and back under. She wasn't sure how to commit to another teammate who might just walk away one day, or worse. Her earlier arguments to Top "how do "we" know that" had drawn the clear line of her team and her guys. Amir wasn't there yet.

She knew instantly she had said the wrong thing as Amir's eyes flew open and he looked at her with cool anger and some level of disgust. She fought the urge to recoil, feeling his body tense dangerously next to her.

She had seen that intensity directed at others before but it had never been aimed at her. It was unsettling, she now understood why people were intimidated by him as Khedani.

'Love him... I hate him." He hissed. " I'd put a bullet in him myself if that was possible"

His voice never rose, but it didn't need to. His low, gravelly tone made each word that much more impactful as he spat them out with disgust.

"I spent 3 years pretending to be something I'm not. Watching the people around me do unspeakable things and encouraging them on their way to do it. Pretending to be the scum of the earth. Pretending to be someone who would kill indiscriminately, innocent people, women, kids, whoever. All to serve a purpose most of them don't actually believe in while they actually seek power and glory."

He paused for a second and she thought he might be done but then his voice dropped even lower.

"Every second I spend as him blackens my soul and clings to me. I will never be free of that, of him, of what we've done together. To be able to fully convince myself that I was just doing it to save lives and not giving into some dark part deep down. That I'm not secretly a monster."

He broke off suddenly shaking his head. Seeming to instantly regret sharing so much.

She could hear him taking several ragged breaths trying to regain some composure back after his uncharacteristic outburst.

Biting her lip she stared straight ahead, not even daring to sneak a glance at him. She was completely at a loss for words, unsure of how to respond to his brutal gut twisting honesty.

She'd grown used to Amir just ignoring her thinly veiled shots. Always taking them in stride and rebounding to try and soothe things over even when she didn't deserve it. But this mission though he had not backed down. When she had thrown a verbal punch, questioning his decision making, he had jumped right into the ring and thrown back a few blows himself. And now he fought her in a completely different way. Not holding anything back and sharing a raw piece of himself that was like a visceral kick in the gut.

The irony was, this time she honestly hadn't meant to poke or prod or mock. Genuine curiosity had fueled her question, a desire to understand where he was coming from. But it was probably a little too late and she couldn't blame him for assuming the worst of her motivations.

There was silence for a long minute as she tried to figure out where to go from here. How to explain her sincere interest for once. To justify her reluctance about his undercover activities and why she struggled to accept him going under as Hamid and taking the risks that he had. That it had actually had more to do with her own baggage she carried than his own.

Finally she decided to just keep it simple. Taking a deep breath she hesitantly broke the silence "The uh, team member you replaced... his name was Elijah Vallins"

She paused, the realization that it was the first time she voiced his name since it happened hit her like another punch to the gut. Determined she hurried on before it completely derailed her.

"He pulled off more crazy things than anyone I've ever worked with. And then one day he walks in the wrong door and...that's it"

That's it.

Two words.

It was such a quaint way to put it. It hardly seemed to capture the magnitude of everything, of his life and his loss. But hundreds of the most poetic words couldn't begin to sum up what the team had lost that day. Who she had lost. So she didn't bother trying.

"The uh...the thing is I was right behind him. I caught him when he fell…" she trailed off remembering the sudden weight in her arms.

She'd known instantly. He was never still. Even when he was injured, even when he slept, and even when unconscious. The man was never still. He always hummed with unbridled energy. It was infectious… and annoying. Top had threatened to sedate the man on more than one long surveillance stakeout when he had grown tired of the constant twitching and pacing.

"I'm sorry" Amir's gentle words, and small bump to her shoulder brought her back to the present. She didn't deserve his kindness but he offered it anyways.

"Yeah" she managed through gritted teeth, resolving to finish what she started. She wasn't looking for his sympathy, she wanted to apologize for her behavior. To try to make sure he knew it wasn't because of anything he had done. That it was all from her own shit that she was trying to sort through.

"So uh" she had to stop to clear her throat, her body not cooperating "You know you being undercover like that, it probably pushed some buttons I didn't know I had."

She exhaled heavily, leaning her head back against the wall. She stared at the ceiling for a second, blinking through her watery eyes and trying to settle her emotions. She had thought she had healed but the large scar that she usually kept compartmentalized away was throbbing angrily now that she had picked at it.

"My sister loved to play the piano."

His voice once again offered her a lifeline and pulled her from her thoughts. She dropped her head to look at him, flinching slightly knowing instantly where this story was heading. Wishing she hadn't forced Top to tell her this already.

"She was 14 and on her way to a rehearsal. I made a poor decision that put her in the wrong place at the wrong time and some animal like Khedani used her to prove a point, to make the news."

He swallowed audibly before turning his head towards her with a partial smile that didn't quite reach to his eyes "So Yah, a girl in trouble who I thought I couldn't help. Maybe that pushed some buttons too.

She felt him shrug lightly, as if to excuse both of their behaviour. She wasn't sure she deserved his forgiveness and understanding as easily as he was willing to give it.

"So in answer to your original question" he smiled ruefully, acknowledging the miles they had travelled since she first asked it. "Khedani is a means to an end. He is the power to stop things like that. And if I can do one bit of good as him, if I can save just one kid like her who deserves better… it is all worth it."

She nodded in understanding, and actually felt like maybe she was starting to empathize with the man sitting next to her.

"Well you saved one today so that's got to count for something". She wasn't good at apologies but she figured that affirmation would mean more to him.

He gave her a grateful smile and leaned his head back against the train compartment wall. Before suddenly bringing it back down and turning to look at her again as he came to a delayed realization.

"You already knew"

He said it calmly. It wasn't a question. But it also didn't hold the sting of an accusation. Just sort of a bemused statement of facts that had probably taken him longer than normal to sort out.

She nodded apprehensively. Knowing exactly what he was alluding to but unsure how she had given it away.

"Top?" He sighed.

"Yeah. I'm so sorry Amir. I kinda forced his hand on this mission. He got tired of me second guessing you and needed me to pull my head out of my ass"

She regretted forcing Top's hand. It should have been Amir's choice to share that information when he wanted to. It meant more that he had shared it with her and she hoped that the betrayal of his privacy wouldn't put any strain between him and Dalton.

Amir watched her intently and seemed to read her self-recrimination before he nodded shortly and let it go. He reconsidered her earlier words and then asked somewhat incredulously "Did he really tell you to get your head out of your ass?"

She chuckled, "Well no, not actually. But you know how he is. He can say one thing and the alternative meaning is clear as day"

There was comfortable silence for a minute or two as they both considered some of the best phrases they had heard him turn.

"So I have a feeling there is going to be lots of teasing after this, got any ammunition I can use against the guys?" Amir continued to fuel the light mood even as he relaxed back against the wall.

She laughed, copying him and resting her head back against the cool metal as well. "Oh yes, I doubt we will hear the end of this for a while. McG will be the worst. Luckily I have some good dirt on him…"

They continued chatting about the team for the next couple hours. Jaz was surprised to learn that Amir was actually both a good listener and an amusing conversationalist. It had been hard to pick up on that fact hidden behind her previous walls of sarcasm and judgement. Time passed quickly as they told stories about the team and made jokes about shakshuka and pink bungee jump kits and somewhere in there she began to realize that maybe, someday, there might be room for one more friend on her team.

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Finally here. This was the chapter I wrote this entire story for. I didn't think it would take me 7 chapters to get to it but the backstory for how they got into the situation just kept expanding as I went. Hope it translated how I wanted it to. I borrowed some dialogue from the show because let's face it why mess with perfection.

Just one or two more chapters to go as we see if they can translate their new understanding to the real world outside a moving train car.