Chapter 19 - Dear Agony

A thick mist covered everything of the Carfax estate. The purpose of the haze was undetermined… for the obfuscation of the existence of the whole place? For the protection of their well-being? Or maybe he just wanted to hide himself within it? Alucard didn't know. He summoned the heavy vapor for a whim as he walked away from where Integra was. As he clomped away… farther… and farther into the unknown path of the estate, little by little, his control of himself started to falter. How long has he been wearing a fake façade in the presence of his master and his servant? How long has he been holding his temper? How long and how much longer can he take the enigma of his beloved master?

Thick dust discharged from every heavy step he took; and the sound of it reverberated through the dark hallway. He must've been strolling for a long while, he thought. But maybe his mind just played with him, only a few minutes had passed. He was physically active, yet his head wasn't. He found his situation similar like Seras'. They were both lost. The only difference was that he had knowledge about what was happening and it made him doubt his own master. His patience with her had run out. And he, finally, unwillingly doubted her. He couldn't bear the sight, the sound, and the presence of Integra— being who she is now.

What had happened to them? What made her unbecoming? Should he blame himself? Was it his fault that he allowed such a monster alike with himself to exist? Everything was falling apart. Even the woman he knew who was far stronger than him was falling to her despair. He grunted. Betrayal was nothing new to her. It was more or less expected that her own associates would betray her after learning the truth of her immortality. And yet, she will fight for her country? She will fight to protect her people? He believed that she was no fool, but what the hell is she doing right now? He couldn't stop her because he promised that he would follow her, but it made him even more frustrated. He was in no position to object… because he's her ever loyal servant.

He didn't realize that he reached a specific area in the estate…

The chapel…

He hummed with a smile of self-denigration…

This place was where he put his twenty nine boxes of earth; and where Professor Van Helsing purified them. He reminisced how magnificent Integra's great grandfather was. He was fascinated by the strength of will, mind, and body of a human like her ancestor— to defeat such a powerful monster as himself. It was quite refreshing to the mind to think about the strength that the Hellsings possess; but Integra became different… she wasn't as strong as before.

Alucard stood in the middle of the abandoned chapel in solemnness until he heard something from a distance. It was something he was familiar with but it angered him. He immediately made haste to where the sound was coming from.

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Once again, she was in her designated room that would typify a whole of her change. From her righteous human self, who was unwavering to give up her power, she fell to her corruption. She never knew what she had until she lost it. Aggravated, she let out a soft growl. Was she going to lose Seras? She needed to remind herself of her own resolve. It still wasn't over. She still has them.

But why does she grieve? Why does she feel so devastated?

She believed that she did everything of the best she can. Yet, it wasn't enough. Because of her, Seras ran away… Because of her, Alucard kept his distance away from her… She felt so alone. If only she could turn back time… If she could only make things better…

She walked towards the grand empty hall of marble where she put the painting of her father in the center of the dusty room. Whenever she found herself in hardship, she would find refuge in looking at her father's portrait. It made her calm but still devastated.

The 10th Crusade will come. The knights had already betrayed her. And what's worse is that the three of them were separated. Will they survive the maelstrom that's going to come? It's possible; but her vision of the future is infallible.

She witnessed everything: the flames… the crackling sounds of woods burning… the sound of rushing liquid; it was obviously a flood of blood from the fallen… she was the only one standing amongst the tall buildings in the premise. She wasn't able to find Seras… And she stood there, hopelessly searching for them in the tallest structure of London… When she finally found where the rushing blood was heading, her sight was filled with Alucard's immobile body with another being killing him…

It broke her. It all made her weak to the point that she was losing her very resolve. She was secure from the very start… secure of the reason why she allowed herself to become the devil's bride. But now that everything that she believed in started to fail, the unwavering resolve she once had dissolved along with her ideals.

How much longer does she have to be strong? She believed that she was doing the right thing. She believed her people would understand her. She believed that she was protecting them from the monsters that harm them… What she couldn't believe in was that she was betrayed by whom she trusted once again. But it wasn't new... She already experienced how to handle the traitors, but the pain was still the same; even if it's someone other than Walter.

She looked at her father's painting hanging in the center of the wide and tall wall, and made her eyes trickle with bloody tears. She knew she would regret everything but she was never prepared for any of it. Her façade of unfathomable strength was just for her reputation; for what her people knew of her. When she was human, she sacrificed her own men in battling her enemies. She watched them die before her; shed no tear because she dare not show any weakness before her subjects… because she held the Hellsing name… the leader and absolute authority of her own organization. She wouldn't have her emotions hinder everything of her plans. And so, she hid it deep within where no one but herself knew of it. She fell to her knees before the image of her deceased father and cried. Drops of thick blood soon puddled before her.

How much longer will she handle it? How long will she keep herself from telling the truth? Did she lie? No, but she kept secrets. Deep within her, she lied; lied to herself. She created a wall between her and her loved ones to hide her true self away from them. It was like a thick transparent wall… they could see each other, but they could never reach one another. She regretted. She regretted it all. She wished she could just turn back time and redo every mistake she had done.

She realized it. She was different from Alucard and Seras. She never chose to be a monster. She was born a monster; and in order to become what she really is, she allowed Alucard to turn her. It was overwhelming… the power… Even as a human, she had it: the authority, the dominance to lead her men together with a powerful vampire then added by another, the strength of will she put to herself so that she will not falter, and most of all, the bond that she had with her loved ones. She sacrificed all of them so that she could tighten the most important of them all: the bond she shares with those who are dear to her.

'Blood is the currency of the soul; the vehicle of life'. That was the short, yet full ramification of a true vampire. But not for her... She can bear and survive without blood; that she would endure it because the means for her un-life is the remaining companions she has. If they're to vanish before her, it would also mean her end. But what she feared already came true… Seras ran away, and Alucard left her alone. Everything was falling apart and she knew that she was the sole reason.

She began to hate herself for everything. The reason for her self-abhorrence was regret. She screamed and sobbed.

I did everything I can… to save my people, to protect my country, to continue my legacy, and to keep my remaining family together! But everything I did was never enough! If I did, then Seras would've never run away. Alucard would've never left me like this! Tell me, father, what else?! What else should I do?! Every one of you… You… Walter… Seras… and Alucard…

Tell me, is this what I get for taking a path together with my vampires? Is it that wrong to desire to be with them?!

She gazed at her father's picture.

Look at me, father! Look at what your daughter had done to herself! I disobeyed what you want; failed to meet your expectations! I let myself fall into temptation! I'm not worthy to carry my name anymore! I know I should never give up… but this…! I can never take this! I know what it was like being alone after you died. I can never bear the same solitude ever again… if I lose them… if I lose them, then I'd rather… I'd rather die before I undergo the same agonizing pain again!

She screamed in her head and let her tears of blood flow off the sides of her face. She was the root of everything, and she took the blame. Once again, how much longer does she have to be strong? How much longer does she have to endure all the pain and secrets just to protect everything: her country, its people, her legacy, and her family? She already sacrificed her name and authority to become a lowly creature of the night… for the sake of it all…

She wasn't aware of the building mass of shadow behind her. Her mind and body were clouded by sorrow. Without noticing it, the shadow formed and solidified; Alucard materialized behind her. He already heard and saw what her thoughts contained. He was madly infuriated with her. No, he can't take it anymore. He has to settle things with her now before it's too late. He saw what she feared, and the outcome was what he feared. He knew that Integra would be a powerful vampire, and that her emotions would drive her abilities. But at the same time, it was the same thing that was bringing her down. This… this monster before him is what he fears. The Integra he knew was gone.

"So that's what you want? That's what you want to do?!" Alucard shouted at her.

She jolted in surprise and immediately turned to him. But as soon as she set her eyes towards him, he already caught her neck, lifting her to his eye-level. She squirmed but his grasp on her was tight. She felt his body tremble in pure infuriation. She dared to look at him as if she was the one who needed enlightenment but her eyes only showed pain. Alucard growled.

"Tell me, Master. Are you enjoying your own show?" He emphasized her title ever so mockingly with an abundant tone of disgust. He demonically grinned. "You planned this all along, right? Then why do you regret? You want to end your un-life? You want to give up? You want to kill yourself?" He laughed so loud that it echoed in the vast empty chamber. Integra let him.

"What are you planning, Master? You plan to save this country? You plan to save those traitors? You plan to save the same people who betrayed you?!" He laughed the same laugh, only filled with bitterness.

He didn't bring the topic up because deep inside, he still cared about her… Walter was a traitor… her surrogate father… even in her torment, she ordered him to destroy him…. Why can't she destroy those who are less than Walter for her? It wouldn't be a problem for her if Alucard wasn't mistaken. Why would she go so far as to let those bastards do as they please? They are nothing to her.

This was the reason why Alucard was warried… This was the reason why he doubted her….

"I don't have a choice but to end you here…" Alucard said gravely, his face dark, and his grip on her even tightened. Integra mentally prepared herself, shocked by what he wants to do.

"You know my reasons, Master. You know that I will always believe in you… You know that whatever happens, I'll always be your loyal dog. But this… Remember what we talked about? How can I trust you when you already shattered what I believed in you? I knew you had a plan. I knew that you'd been preparing for this fight. But this isn't you… Your righteousness to save your country from invasion… Your loyalty to your duty… But for you to lower yourself even deeper than what's enough for your worthless subjects is unforgivable! You want to sacrifice yourself for them?!" Alucard paused, breathing to calm himself down. He didn't want to do this but…

"And now, you want to kill yourself because you already lost Seras and me… You regret everything because you know that in the end, we'll abandon you because of your own doings… The only way to save you… is to end your existence," He grew dark. Whispering, "You've become the god I once believed in… A monster by which justice never existed… A being whom we put our faith and lives on the line," His voice picked up a volume. "Why do you act like him? Why do you sacrifice yourself…?" He, then, shouted. "If you were God, I would've killed you with my bare hands…! You sadist…! You masochist…!" Pausing for a short while, his voice diminuendoed. "You enjoy the torment… of your subjects… and yourself…!"

His features grew even darker… He growled…

"You are not God! So why do you act like him?!" He shook his grip on her as if to wake her up.

It was dark but with vampiric eyes, Integra saw blood trickle down Alucard's eyes.

"I don't want to do this, Master. I don't want to hurt you. But this is the only way I can save you from the monster that you've become…" Alucard grabbed the collar of her white shirt. When Integra recoiled, he broke the hold on her white shirt, but managed to take hold of her black jacket. When he did, he pulled it so that he can throw her whole body back to the open. It caused her jacket to rip apart, leaving her with a torn black jacket and a half-open white shirt.

Alucard grinned with small satisfaction. He managed to force her top buttons open to expose her chest, leaving only her vulnerable skin to cover her heart. Integra readied herself for his attacks. She had no time to worry about her appearance. She knew she somehow provoked Alucard. Though she thought about her own death, she didn't want Alucard to be the one to kill her. Guilt struck her once again. The reason why Alucard is acting this way…

"I have no choice, Alucard. I was born this way. I was born a monster. I'd give up for the sake of my country and the people it governs. It's my duty and obligation. This is what I have to do!" Integra summoned her shadows to take grasp of her knightly sword.

Alucard growled and roared. "YOU FOOL!" He summoned himself before her and prepared to strike her, but Integra, with her speed and fast reflexes, sliced his arms off.

He immediately regenerated them and struck her more than thrice. "You think that's so noble?! You think you're still a knight?! Think again, Integra! You abandoned them! You're a traitor yourself, keeping your un-life a secret from the crown! How ironic! A traitor protecting the ones who betrayed her!" Alucard roared as he got his new gun and pointed it at her. "I'll have nothing more. I'll kill you!"

He squeezed the trigger and powerful bullets came rushing towards Integra. She tried to block them with her sword but the powerful bullets broke it. She summoned more of her swords but every single one was left broken. In no time soon, Alucard willed himself before her with a balled fist ready to strike her. She grunted in frustration and used her mach speed to do the same. They clashed fists and fared in consecutive punches and kicks. There were times that bloods and tissues exploded in indefinite debris, and sometimes, not; they absorbed the impacts.

When Integra got the upper hand, she kicked Alucard away from her, summoned a sword, and charged towards his direction. She was about to make a vertical slash across his towering height when Alucard regained his balance by enduring the hit with his feet grazing the marbled flooring and taking a foot behind to support his stance, then grabbed her blade, making his hands bleed. Integra gasped in surprise. Alucard pulled the blade away from her then threw it in a distance. He had the opportunity to hold her wrist and pulled her close to him. He grinned and whispered.

"I'll miss our spars… I'll miss you, Integra…"

With his free, bleeding hand, he was about to pierce Integra's exposed chest.

"No matter what happens…" Integra huffed for breath. "I will defend my country… even if I'm betrayed… You should know, Alucard… You should know what I feel… You should know that it's not easy… Nothing ever is…"

Alucard stopped at her soft interruption. He gritted his teeth. "Then why are you doing this, Integra? Wasn't it enough? Don't you see that everything you've done, accomplished, and sacrificed were all for naught?! You sacrificed yourself just to protect them!" Alucard choked as tears fell off his face once more. Integra felt moved…

There was sympathy inside her monster.

"In the end, you're being like Anderson…! You can't be me! You can't…! You… You're the only one left… You're the only one who I believe in!" Alucard bellowed as he threw the arm that he was about use to pierce Integra back down to his side, and gripped Integra's wrist a little harder.

The room became silent. Everything stopped. Releasing her, Alucard fell to his knees like what she did earlier, and sobbed before her.

"You were the one who gave me a sign of hope and faith. I've bet all of them to you because you're strong… the strongest woman I have ever met. If you died as a human, I unwillingly would've been put under the rule of an unworthy master; and I would've lost my purpose. That was the reason why I didn't want to let you go. And what now? You quiver. You have fallen." Alucard didn't look at her. His words gave her everything. It gave her strength back.

"Alucard…" Integra audibly whispered and knelt in front of him. "I'm… sorry."

This time, Alucard looked at her with widened eyes. He didn't know why she was apologizing. Is she going to give up? Or is she sorry for…

"I'm sorry that I've put you in this agony. You understand why I'm doing this, right?" She held his face dearly to look at her. "Allow me to fulfill my role… at least for the last time. I regret, yes... Because I was taught and raised differently… It was something I couldn't fully accept. I'm sorry that I've brought this on you… but we both just wanted to protect our nations, right?" She took his hands and kissed them.

"Why…? I can't…" Alucard muttered, unable to understand. Integra cupped his chin.

"No one else is strong enough to fulfill this duty… If it's not me, then who, Alucard? Like I said, it's not easy... No one ever said it was easy." She touched her forehead to his.

"Thank you, Alucard. I apologize for my actions but you actually gave me the answers I was searching for. You might not know it… you're also my heart and strength for me to accomplish what I need to do… I'm forever grateful."

She held his face and stroked his cheeks with her thumbs, cherishing the serenity.

Midnight was just approaching and they were finally awakened from their nightmare.

A/N: Hi! Happy Halloween! It's been a while! So sorry for the late update. I had many dilemmas. School is, once again, just around the corner. And I haven't really come up with some of the future chapters. I'll eventually list my thoughts down and come up with the remaining gaps of the story. I'll update when I can!

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and gave you some of the answers that lingered from the previous ones! Some notes: Integra was taught and raised differently; meaning, she couldn't fully accept her decision in becoming a vampire. She just really wanted to stay together with Alucard and Seras.

I hope you guys felt the emotions here. I did my best to write them. I just hope that I'll come up with the missing parts of my story, which is a secret of course. Let's not spoil for the thrill. Haha~

The title of this chapter... You guessed it! "Dear Agony" by Breaking Benjamin. I'd like to thank Everianna and OverWordly for being my semi-Beta. I always ask them for help whenever I feel anxious of my writing. I love you girls (If they ever read this).

And as always, questions and suggestions are open. PM me, review, anything that's convenient. LOL.

Stay tuned for the next chapter! Tscüß und Auf Wiedersehen!