Chapter 20 – What Lies Beneath
Alucard remained stunned as Integra redeemed herself from her agony, proving her reconquering strength back at him. Maybe they all had these misunderstandings because they lacked the communication. Integra stood too strong for the longest time without any rest from it. After Alucard's confrontation with her, she finally felt like the weight she'd been carrying was lifted from her shoulders… but not all of them. With her newly profound resolve, she was ready for anything.
"No one else is strong enough to fulfill this duty… If it's not me, then who, Alucard? Like I said, it's not easy. No one ever said it was easy." She touched her forehead to his.
"Thank you, Alucard. I apologize for my actions but you actually gave me the answers I was searching for. You might not know it… you're also my heart and strength for me to accomplish what I need to do… I'm forever grateful."
As she held his face, stroked his cheeks, and cherished the serenity, Alucard stared with serious eyes, searching for her. Her words were short and unelaborated, but it spoke to his soul. This time, for sure, he understood everything that she is. He knew what it was like in her shoes, especially when he was human. He unwillingly felt stupid for speculating that she was playing god even though it was discrepant. He realized that she never had an effortless obligation and she was the only one with such power to fulfill it.
No one else is strong enough to carry the weight of her duty… If it's not her to carry it, then who else would? No one is stronger than her that's why she strives the difficulties of such task.
"What do you mean…? I gave you the answers? I give you strength? I… don't understand…" Alucard looked at her, still.
She thought. Maybe this is the true meaning of the word 'monster'. Recalling what Anderson said that fateful day, when a human's tears run dry, there's nothing left but a demon or a monster, and one final prayer for death. But his ramifications weren't flawless... A human chose to be a monster for a reason. Some became a monster because they didn't give up… Some, were already born as one… They became a monster; a monster which sacrificed its very own soul in search for others' soul because they had become empty in exchange for such tremendous power. And in order to fill that emptiness, they had to search for others' souls to help them rise and recall what they are. Everything had a consequence; and the ultimate curse of being a monster is that it was endless— a non-stopping struggle of emptiness. It would be up to them to find a way to make it bearable.
Integra warmly smiled. "I came to realize… You may be a monster; you may be weak; you may be miserable; despicable at times; and insufferable… but you were human; you were strong; you struggled in life, fought for what you believed in; and you did everything you could to protect your people… that's the reason why your emotions arose against me… am I right? We're both monsters who lived with priorities; far too many, that it broke us. Your anger towards me made me realize how much of a monster I've become… and how much pain you carried… You… really care for me."
"You're an idiot, Integra…"
She looked at him in the eyes after hearing what he said.
"You only realize that now? If I didn't care, then I would've watched you die in front of me." He softly chuckled with painful, mocking, mischief. "I would fight and kill you if you allow yourself of such stupidity again." He cupped her chin and tilted her head so he can close the distance of their lips.
But he paused…
"Or I'll just have to kiss you for it…"
Just when Integra thought that everything was alright between them, Alucard pulled away and grew pensive….
"You're still a dangerous woman, Integra… Your talents… You can't control them, can you?"
"No." She answered, getting the intuition that there was another problem that they had to solve.
"What if you lose this battle?"
"Pardon? You seem to forget who you're talking to, my dear Count." Integra smirked. "You think I'll allow such thing to happen? We have Hell's power to show to those hypocrites."
Alucard grinned. "You really make my blood boil…" He leaned next to her ear. "You're giving me a hard-on."
Integra looked at him with a stony expression to which he chuckled.
"Come…" He took her hand in his larger one and looked at it. He teleported the both of them in her room.
Despite the sea of dust anywhere else in the estate, Integra's room was the cleanest. In the middle between her large bed and coffin knelt Alucard before her. It reminded her of that time when he did the same… In the midst of the forest of impalement, where fresh blood still dribbled from the impaled victims, stood the lady of the knight who knelt before her in his full glory. That fateful night, when he unleashed his whole power, he presented his true self before her… it's who he was… a monster who still clung onto hope…
And she understood that.
"I believe, it's time for you to take everything of me, Integra." Alucard looked at her. "You've only consumed some of my blood; that's not enough. If you want to use your powers to their full extent, you must take all of me…"
Everything that he said was deep with consequences… In order for her to manipulate all of her vampiric abilities, she must consume his blood, and take him with her. But she knew that there was something more when she does so… The reason why she stopped herself from the continued consumption of his blood before, was that she would involuntarily relive his life with her own self; just like with the incident she experienced when she was sleeping beside Seras. Only, in this case, she would completely exchange herself with Alucard's past life voluntarily by, once again, accepting his offer. Little did she know that Alucard knew what she was worried about. He patiently waited for her answer as he knew this would be a difficult decision to make…
It wasn't just blood he was offering to her but his whole self… his demons, his life, his heart… everything… everything that he can offer to her. Despite his nothingness, he offered her everything he had. He knew she needed more of his blood so that she could be the master of her own abilities. Once again, it was time for him to show her who he really is. In the large room, he altered in his true form… Vlad Țepeș… Vlad Dracula. He was clad in his silver armor, cape, and his knightly sword. He did this of his own free will because to him, there was no other being on earth that could compare to Integra. No words were spoken between them but his whole act was egregious.
"Master…" He said with his native accent. "What will you do?"
She stared at him as perturbation rose within her; her body trembling with the way she felt. She gulped. She never knew when she would ever be ready for this moment. But remembering who she really is, she looked at him with undaunted fear in her eyes. She was afraid but she had the courage to accept his offer. Alucard warmly smiled for her valor.
"I will accept your offer, Servant." She said without wavering.
As she knelt before him, he pulled his cloth away from his neck to expose his skin. As he did, the bite mark that she left on him came into vision. It reminded Integra all the realizations she had concerning Alucard. Of all the Hellsings, she was the most different of all. She had a mind of both man and woman; and she was a woman of her name. But most of all, she had the strength, mind, courage, and abdication to leave everything she valued for the sake of the important things to her.
Maybe this was what Alucard did…
She thought to herself as she remembered what her father told her when she was still an adolescent…
"Integra, there are many immortal monsters who roam this earth. When I look at them, I wonder where they created out of the desire for immortality. Many of them desire war. I've seen them roaming the bloodiest battlefields but in their battle cries, I hear a craving. I think they cry out for death... Nosferatu. The No Life King. His castle, his kingdom, its people, his loved ones, even his very identity. Everything was lost. All that remains is a pale shadow wandering from battle to battle. I have come to believe, Integra, that those frightening immortals are, in fact, frail, sobbing children."
She leaned to his neck and almost smiled to herself. Her breath wafted his pale skin as she leaned closer. She felt her fangs protrude as she thought of the blood concealed within his skin was just waiting for it to be consumed; the strong scent of it even made her bloodlust grow… She realized what her father had told her when Alucard fought against Anderson; when he fought an incarnation of himself. And the reason why he got furious with her was because she was repeating the same mistakes that he did; only worse because she's even more of a monster when she performed such act. And now, it's time for her to see it once again… in the shoes of the vampire she's holding…
She bit his neck in the same place where she bit before. His blood started to make its way into her mouth. She sucked and drank… One… Two… Three… All of his memories flooded in her thoughts as if she went into his life and stood in his shoes… It was time for her to play his role in his world…
He was being dragged by pulling onto his hair… He was soon brought to a room and was thrown onto a large soft bed… His silver cross broke off his grasp but he struggled to reach it… He was brought there only to rip his clothes off of him, and abuse him… He was raped by the Sultan… but he never prayed for his redemption… He grew up as a man of religion… as a man of God… And his belief and faith never faltered…
"Lord, I would not kneel in prayer for my salvation…"
She continued to drain him, holding him tighter. Alucard stayed still, feeling both the pain and pleasure; the pain of feeling his body turn weak as he leaned to her stern form, and the pleasure to be in her grasp, in her arms. Slowly, his arms snaked around her back, gently urging her to continue and take all of him; all of what's left of him.
As a human, he was strong, he fell in love, he was subject to temptation… but he fought against, and for it. He was also a struggler of life and a ruler. As a leader, he had to be a model for his people. Though he was weak, he fought against it with his strength of will. She understood all of them because she experienced them herself… Just like him, she had to lower her pride in order to gain an ally against a common enemy. And just like him, she struggled every hardship that came to her in order for her to fight for what she believed in…
But in the end, what happened…?
"Fight! Fight for the glory of your God! God does not help those who kneel before him! God does not save those who pray for mercy for those are not true prayers! Would you beg in the presence of your Lord? Your impiety begs only for death! True prayer is forged in battle! Dazzle your Lord with your prayer, and you shall know him! You shall know Jerusalem! After the tearing, the crushing, the breaking of men's bones, when the fruits of our prayers lie at our feet, God will descend from his throne on high to bring judgement upon his wretched and pitiful servants!"
He fought against his enemies… Alongside his men, his army, he guided them to fight in battle for God… He even killed his own men in order to maintain peace in the kingdom that he ruled… He fought and took all of the inflictions… When his enemies were closing in, he led his people to different places to avoid the dominating conquest of his adversaries… For his people to be safe, for his people to live in peace, for his people to remain steadfast in their faith to God… So that their beliefs would never be stained by another one…
She almost paused as she felt every pain he'd been through; but she kept on going… There's no turning back… She felt numb, not even noticing Alucard's tight hold on her as she gripped back the same. She silently cried as she continued to relive his life in her shoes.
"Tell me, did your promises come to pass? Where's your God? Where's your kingdom?"
In the end, he was left alone… because he lost his battle… He was defeated… He felt nothing anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. He gave everything; his everything… Just like her, he was also betrayed by his own people… She exactly knew what it felt like to be betrayed… and defeated…
"What's the matter? Answer me, King! Mad King! ... They're all dead. Every last soul, dead... In service to you, and to your promises— for your prayers, for your paradise, for your God! All were sacrificed! ... Enemies and allies, the people you swore to protect, the country you would rule; men, women, old, and young... even yourself."
He was, again, being dragged… His head and wrists were locked by a pranger, being dragged by a Janissary who was pulling the rope tied to it. He tripped on a limb and fell, only to be pulled by the Janissary, forcing him to his execution.
As the sun set, his head was lowered for his executioner to decapitate. He didn't want to die… He didn't want it to end… He felt betrayed… He felt forsaken by the only thing he believed in all his miserable life…
The executioner raised his large axe as he, Vlad, reached out for the blood…
It was revenge…
It was righteous…
It was the one thing that would allow him to step away from who he is…
… into something what he really is…
But most of all, he never wanted to give up and surrender to his defeat…
He wanted to defy God since he was broken from the start. He lifted himself from his tortures to protect his people and their religion; for God… Since every cell in his being loved God too much that he would dirty his hands with impurity… Since he believed in God too much that he sacrificed his own people, even killing his own subordinates to establish peace in his country, showing no mercy even for commoners; and turning himself into the man that God wanted him to be— He sacrificed his true identity as a human to be a blind believer who had no other purpose than to constitute and maintain Christianity in his kingdom.
Just before the executioner beheaded him, he tasted the medium by which life can be transferred, absorbing the essence of a soul into himself. As if it seemed like the total abyss, he felt raging power within him… but along with it was total darkness. Power and darkness should never come together because it would corrupt any conscious being. Even so, in exchange for that power, not only did darkness consumed him, but it also gave him eternal curses: the thirst for blood, the emptiness, and the pain. No matter how many lives he'd consume, his thirst will never be quenched, his emptiness will never be filled, and the pain of watching other humans die while he still lived, not even completing the cycle of life, was something he can never experience.
And as the sad light of the sunset fade, so did his last ounce of humanity remained.
Ever since that fateful evening, he had forsaken his God and humanity. But never did he realize… that he just buried it too deep within him to ever not notice. The façade he unconsciously created to live up to his being… the being he called himself a monster was just a mask to hide his true self. As time passed, he remained the same… The only cycle he would roundabout was the cycle of survival. In order for him to retain his strength, he needed to kill many innocent humans. And in order for him to live his undead life in peace, he needed to administer fear in the land that he governed… Solitude was his only way to keep himself from being exposed. Even though he was unmerciful, deep inside, he still had that compassion which he refused to acknowledge.
It was painful to live further and further and grow weaker as years went by. He wanted to search for his demise… but only from one worthy enough for him to surrender into rightful covenant. He wanted to search for a secure human to best him. He searched for a human who held strong power to kill him as a human should be. He only felt the freedom from his curse when Abraham Van Hellsing had defeated him. But instead of his favored death, he was enslaved and put into another curse where he was bound to the bloodline of the master who bested him.
He found that it wasn't that bad serving the Hellsing bloodline. After Abraham's reign, his descendants proved to be just the same as him, having that unfaltering strength of will. He found it equally satisfying— his dark curse and his small freedom to enjoy the violence that he loves to do. And together with all of them was that he was given a chance to continue searching for a mighty opponent who could meet his requirements and beat him in his own game. It was always one way or the other that was fighting for dominance— he'd either fight a strong adversary, satisfying enough to fill his boredom, or the haunting of his curse in the form of his dreams, his memories, and the humans surrounding him to remind him of his faults in the past.
Integra willingly did it— willingly live his past life… She felt abused… She felt despair… She always knew that she should fight… She sat on the throne with many people looking at her with absolute respect. It was justice. The authority that she had over her people—the responsibility— and the power to lead them to their salvation was one of the major things that kept her going. But all too soon, she felt insecure of her own people, instituting punitive policies in her own land, targeting everyone who she felt was corruptive and the source of destabilization of her country. And so, she impaled them, unprecedentedly making her kingdom the land of terror.
She fought every battle against the Ottoman Empire. But in the end, she suffered her fate…
After long years of waiting, she grew bored of un-living. She searched for companions and found servants who were suited to serve her. In solitude, in isolation, she had nothing and was nothing. She favored in going abroad and devised a devious plan in order to start all over again. But, even after all that she learned from history, from experience, and from the books that she acquired, she was still naïve. Having a mind like a child, she thought of everything as a mere game filled with squabbles about who wins and who loses. And having a mind like that, she would never accept defeat… she would have what she wanted. If it was freedom or a matter of toleration— a way for her to make her damnation bearable, she would have it in any way she could acquire it.
But, of all her devilry, she was proved to be bested by a man so unbelievably great. She felt guilty. After the hundreds of years of her own dominance, she was subjected to subjugation… for all eternity. But she didn't mind after realizing that it wasn't abusing her entire being; having a secure man best her, who was a demon of the night, crushed her own ego and made her believe in humanity. She felt a small tinge of freedom from being under retribution. It was bearable enough. Her masters were embodiments of strength and integrity. She would never get accustomed to her subjugation since she found small pleasures from it.
It was until that she saw her own self as a twelve year-old who was being hunted down by her own relative…
At first, it was dark like she was in deep slumber. But, after absorbing the few droplets of sweet, sweet blood, she felt herself regenerate and regain her form. Wanting more blood, she moved to lick the other droplets of blood on the dirty grunge floor. It was good, and she grinned, knowing that a new era has come. Also, she would be serving a new master. She wouldn't question her own servitude, knowing all too well how the Hellsings functioned. It pleased her. She was satisfied in serving the Hellsing bloodline. But…
She saw herself in his eyes. She experienced his servitude while under her dominance. She finally knew how he thought and felt for her; especially how devastated he was when she faked her death. As time passed by, she saw herself as a vampire. It occurred to her how much he believed in her, more, when she became like a goddess to his eyes. To him, she was like a god he would always believe in, would always be faithful to, and would never question any of her demands. But, when he knew of what she wanted— how she wanted to sacrifice everything that she had done in order to protect those who betrayed her, he started to grow weary… because she was following what he had done to himself like what God did in his time.
It was wrong… For any human to be like God means that he must sacrifice everything… even himself….
That was the reason why the vampire she spent time with was severely broken. And in the end, he decided to become a monster for his own sake… because he knew that whether one was a human, a demon, or a God, everything had the potential to be a monster. Divine or not, it all leads to the same end, if chosen to. And being immortal meant that there's no such thing as the past, nor the future, only the present. The past would only be able to haunt him, and the future would only make him expect. The present would always be the one thing that would create both past and future. That would give meaning to one's identity; it would only depend on how he would live his 'now'.
Deep within her, she knew that that was the reason why he remained calm. He had his small freedom and all the time in the world to contemplate on everything. He hated God at first, but after realizing that he was the one to blame, he hated himself. He and Anderson were of the same spirit that's why he loved his adversary but hated him for his big mistake… because that was the same mistake that he did and the same mistake that made him loathe himself.
Maybe he didn't want her to hate herself… Because…
The very same thing that she's been doing… is the same thing that he did while he was human…
Her eyes were closed as she drank, but she saw everything. Her nose never breathed, but she smelled the scent of many deaths and blood. None made the slightest noise but she heard everything. Wounds never appeared on her body, but she felt the physical pain. There was only crimson… There was only blood… There was only pain. She wondered how strong he was… She pondered how much more he can take… She thought about how much longer must he struggle with all the pain that he kept….
He felt his seals tighten the restriction. He finally knew what happened when he drank Integra's blood. It only made him even more bound to her… The restriction that Abraham had put on him was the eternal shackle to his bloodline. It only got worse when Integra took him… He's forever bound and controlled by her; but he would never mind. Eternity with his Countess… it's the epitome of his contentment.
Alucard embraced her small frame. It was difficult for him to control his raging emotions as pleasure seeped through his being, and as Integra continued to consume his life. His grip on her loosened after feeling her tremble then make the tiniest jolt. It greatly surprised him to hear her make the quietest sob, taking small, staggered, breaths then repeat in a loop. He felt warm wetness on his shoulder, spreading through the fabric of this clothing, then down to his chest. The next thing he felt was the hold of her grip. It was too tight like she didn't want him to move.
It was true.
She held him tight, bringing his head to her chest as she embraced him back. She let his head down so that he wouldn't see her crying once again. But it made him wonder… Every night, she would dismiss herself and hide to the point that he could never find her even with their mental link. Knowing her, she loathed the act of showing any kind of weakness; especially in front of him. She didn't want any sympathy, and she didn't want any discrimination. Had she been crying every single night, knowing that everything that she did was at stake? Did she hide away from him so that she could weep alone and not show him the main weakness that she held?
Yes.
Even so, she cried for him… instead of crying for herself…. She finally knew how precious Alucard is for her. He was the strongest being she could ever know. And knowing that they still had forever to walk together, nothing could ever compare to him even with his remaining strength of will. All the pain that he had gone through… All the things that made him survive— that made him live… Everything of him was inside her. They have a pact. And it made her both weak and strong…
Weak for him.
And strong for every one of them.
She sobbed even more… even louder… crying out for him… No… crying for him… and crying with him….
"I have come to believe, Integra, that those frightening immortals are, in fact, frail, sobbing children."
That's where you're wrong, father… It's his strength itself that made him a monster… Maybe that's the reason why he and I are alike… His raw anger earlier when he knew I'd save the people who betrayed me… That was the one thing I was waiting for… He was, indeed, searching for death… he was death, searching for death… another flaw... He can't be searching for death because he's been dead a long time ago. Maybe… he was searching for someone stronger than him to be strong enough for him to lean on… This monster of a man, father, is Alucard… and he's my monster for whom I will weaken myself just to give him all the strength he needs for him to rise from the hell he has buried himself under…
She thought as she regained herself from sobbing, but still crying.
Every word is ambiguous. Every sentence is plural. And everything is not flawless… Father, what you have taught me was true; and yet, they are not perfect. Alucard… He's a monster; but he still has a small bit of humanity. Like me, I was human; but I was a monster inside. He cried out for war, only to find enlightenment… A cycle of an immortal where he finds light in the pitch of his darkness. I'm sorry if I didn't meet your expectations, Father. But… I will continue to fight for the final time… And leave everything behind to be with the ones I treasure the most… Because they need me, like I need them…. No matter what happens, through pain, suffering, or even simple joys, I will protect and spend all of my time with them… Forever….
A/N: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope everyone is doing well. I apologize for the late post. I'm still very busy even after a semester. For those who don't understand the "her/him" parts, the first part is about Alucard, and the second part is Integra's feet in his shoes. I hope you guys get the idea there. lol. As I said before, this is one of my most favorite chapters. I hope you liked it as well.
I'm finding the difficulty of returning to my old point of view since I've spent a lot of time not thinking about this fic. But, as of the moment, I'm recalling everything that I need to write again. Also, I don't know if my writing style is consistent since I've done a lot of writing in this last semester. I hope I improved. Hehe. (^^')
The title comes from Breaking Benjamin's song "What Lies Beneath". Not only is it one of my favorite songs, but I took this chapter from that song while creating a plot for this story. I'll try to do the best I can to write in my free time and update more. AND! I almost forgot! It's been a year since I posted my first chapter! Happy anniversary to this fic and me! This chapter is longer than the previous ones soooo! Enjoy!
And as always~ Questions and suggestions are ALWAYS welcome! PM or review, whatever's convenient! Thank you for the support and reading this fic! Till the next chapter! Frohe Weinachten! Tschüß und Auf Wiedersehen!