Sorry guys, this chapter was pretty rough to write. Something wasn't quite right about it, so in the end I took out out some stuff, moved some around, and added another 1,000 words. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Do not own Twilight.

So weak.

I stared at ripped apart carcass in my arms, my shirt and face covered in gore.

Beside me Jasper stood eyeing me balefully, not a spot in his shirt, hair barely ruffled.

I wasn't ready. I was nowhere near ready. I'd starved myself to test my control, sure that I could reach the animal and drink it neatly and with careful reserve.

But still, I had failed, reducing the deer to mere scraps.

"Not bad"

Jasper's voice shocked me out my thoughts.

Ever since my falling out with Edward, he'd become more of my caretaker, my trainer.

Not to mention, it was easier with Jasper. He'd clearly done this before, and our relationship was more professional and less personal.

There was also no powerful attraction.

"What do you mean," I asked warily. I'd ripped it shreds.

He tilted his head, considering.

"It's not the cleanest work, but you cut its throat open with precision, and look, only your shirt and face have stains. Your pants are fairly clean."

It was ridiculous that I could be happy with something so trivial as my pants not being clean, but I let it warm me nonetheless.

Progress.

Strength was not something that came easily to me.

I thought that as I scrubbed my clothing in the laundry room, trying to rinse out the worst of the blood stains. I did so carefully, a test to myself, of my control over my strength. That I could clean out the stains but avoid ripping the fabric.

The movies I'd seen, the books I'd read had made it seem so easy. A flip of the page, a change of scene, and the character was a different person - stronger.

Worst of all, I knew I was my greatest weakness. There was nothing holding me back but myself.

So I was struggling.

I was struggling more than I ever had. But the goal meant more than it ever had.

I was staring at the line now between what I could and could not control. I could not control what I had become, or what would happen to my family, but I could avenge myself. I could make sure this never happened to anyone else again.

I just had to find out who had done it. In this way, knowledge was power. And even though they were a continent away, the Volturi had the most of it.

I was going to Italy no matter what.

"Bella?"

I stopped my scrubbing and paused, belatedly wondering if my thoughts were as evident on my face as they were in my mind.

I turned and smiled.

"Esme."

For once I didn't have to pretend the slight joy that crept into my voice at the sight of her face.

There was something so genuine about Esme, even with my issues with her husband and the rest of the Cullens, my mind had instantly absolved her of blame. Maybe because she reminded so much of my own mother - or worse, though I could scarcely admit it to myself - she reminded me of the mother I'd never had. The kind of mother I'd always wanted Renee to me. Selfless and endlessly devoted to her children.

My smile faded though as I took in the bag she held in her hands. I knew what was in there. I could smell it.

My belongings, stinking of sweat and terror and blood. There was a small nagging thought in my head that warned me that maybe I didn't want these things back. That all of this progress I was making would be undone by remembering the girl who had woken up in the warehouse so cold and so alone and so... weak. I paused my thoughts at that point.

I couldn't afford to have those thoughts. Not twice in one day. I had to keep being strong. To keep thinking I was strong. Pretend it was so until it really was.

Which is why despite myself, my hands reached out for the bundle.

Esme watched me silently, handing over the items and letting me process.

"Thank you," I spoke softly, running my hands over the bundle, careful as always, afraid to tear it with my strength.

"It was never ours to keep," she spoke softly. My heart warmed, until she opened her mouth to speak again.

"Everything you came to us with should be in there - minus your cellphone."

My hands froze over the bundle.

Esme watched me, a steel in her eyes that I had never seen but I realized had always probably been there.

"I want you to understand that we do this for your own protection Bella. Not because we are your prison guards, not because we are trying to keep you from your family, but rather, because we are trying to keep your family safe from you. We are also trying to keep safe from other forces at work here. Do you understand? "

The last part was said with emphasis, and her tone made me feel the creeping shame wash over me. Of course I did. I was the danger here, the one who knew nothing about the world she was now a part of.

"I understand," I spoke softly.

She smiled, back to the warm motherly Esme I knew.

"Good. And try some hydrogen peroxide on that." She said, gesturing to the t-shirt draped over the sink.

I waited until she was gone to tear open the bag, my hands running over the clothing inside until I found my jacket, my hands closing over one of the zippered pockets. I unzipped it carefully and reached in to wrap my hands against plastic debit card I had stashed in there.

I closed my eyes and sighed, feeling the taste of freedom on my tongue.

Of course I understood. I knew that I was the danger here. I was grateful they were guiding me towards being a better person, that they had kept me from taking any human lives.

But like an adult living too long under their parents' roof, I was chafing against their rules. I wished so desperately that they could let me decide on my own, let me make or not make the mistakes they were so afraid I would.

My mind was growing firmer in my belief.

I had to leave. The Volturi remained my goal.

Even if it was wrong, even if I did not know what I was getting into. Something had to change.

Things were being done to me.

I had to stop letting this happen, stop being the victim. I had to see them.

In the 3rd floor bedroom they'd given me, I stared at the items I'd acquired on my bed. The plan was coming together.

A debit card with access to the funds I'd been saving for college. Sunglasses to cover my red eyes once I was out in the real world. A large amount of winter clothing, courtesy of a shopaholic Alice, to cover my skin from the sun during the daytime.

Just a few more things, a bit more training, and then I'd be ready.

I packed each thing in my bedside drawer, memorizing their placement so I'd know if someone went through my things.

A knock on the door.

I whirled around, glad that my heart could not beat, that my cheeks could not blush and betray my secret.

You are stone, I told myself sternly. Stone. Nothing must betray my emotions. I already knew too that Jasper had stopped monitoring me as much as he had when I'd first arrived, so there was little chance he'd sense them.

"Come in," I called lightly, pleased by how normal my voice sounded.

The door opened and Alice stepped through.

I nearly flinched, but kept myself still just in time.

I'd been waiting for this, waiting for Alice to see me in a vision, see the decision in my mind and come to stop me. I was more surprised Edward hadn't come with her to talk me out of it though. Actually, I was more surprised the whole family wasn't here for this intervention.

She moved suddenly, and there she was clasping my hands and staring earnestly into my face.

"I'm sorry Bella. I've just wanted to -" She stopped, paused, and then continued. "Sometimes... I mix-up the future with the present. I've wanted to be friends. I haven't been the best friend to you. I need to let you make your own choices."

The last sentence seemed to be something she was telling herself more than me, but I appreciated the sentiment. Still, I was relieved - she hadn't seen me then, she was only coming to apologize.

"It's okay," I said softly, staring into her eyes. Forgiveness was something that had always come to me naturally - even before all of this. Finally, I could see bits of the old Bella blending in with the new.

She smiled, in a way that made me wonder about the skeletons in her closet. Made me wonder what exactly she hid beneath her cheerful exterior.

"Thanks Bella, that means a lot to me. I have to go now, Jasper is waiting for me. See ya later!"

And then she bounced away, closing the door behind her.

I sat on my bed, thinking. Our conversation had made me realize that in all of our interactions, when I'd been frustrated by her presence, that I'd never once asked anything about her or her past.

It also felt too late. Maybe later, when I wasn't preparing to leave them all behind. Maybe then I could ask about what she had looked so haunted by.

Idly, I wondered then about Rosalie and her husband Emmett.

I was surprised she'd never come back from her extended vacation. We'd interacted briefly in her short stay at college. What I realized now I had most likely been a passing fancy for her.

Maybe I'd just been a faceless human to her. One of many. That hurt a bit. But there was nothing to do about it now.

In many ways, although my body remained here, my mind was already gone, off hunting my killer.

After that, the days passed like a blur. I'd fended off apologies from Carlisle, who much like his wife, still believed that they were doing the right thing.

That was fine. They could do what was right for them, and I could do what was right for me.

Edward and I avoided each other as before. Many times I could feel his gaze on me, watching my struggle with my control.

Even though empathy was not my forte, I could feel his pride as I succeeded - and his sorrow as I continued to avoid him.

Much like with Alice it felt too late.

I didn't have time to start something with him when all I needed to do was leave.

And I had to. It was inevitable.

Weeks later, I stood at the edge of the boundary.

My clothing was immaculate from my hunts earlier in the day when I'd gorged myself on animal blood in preparation.

I'd try to avoid the human population as much as possible while I made my way to Italy. So many of the details in my head were unclear, but one shone in my mind clearly.

I had to leave. I had to go.

I stepped forward.

"Bella."

I stopped. Of course, it wouldn't be easy. With Alice's visions, with Jasper's senses.

They all knew I was leaving.

They had to.

It was ridiculous to think that I could just leave and they wouldn't notice.

I turned to face him.

In the moonlight his face his was so sharply beautiful my heart ached. My anger at him had fled as swiftly as it had come upon me, so many weeks ago. In the end, despite us being vampires, we were really just human on the inside. Deeply flawed, making mistakes and always trying to make them better.

"Yes?" I answered softly.

He paused - searching for the right words.

"Don't go."

"Why? I'm ready." I told him, preparing myself for a rebuttal to whatever he would tell me.

He grasped at his hair, the way he always did when he was frustrated.

"It's not that," he sighed, frustrated. "I know you are."

I let that thought sink in and process. They wouldn't have let me go if they didn't think I was ready.

Jasper must have given his seal of approval.

"Then what is it?" I asked, tilting my head slightly.

He dropped his hands and stared at me inscrutably.

I met his golden gaze with my red one. There was something tangible in the air between us - we didn't need an empath like Jasper to tell us.

"I don't know how to describe it but there's something-something between us" He finished.

My heart stirred. It was nice sometimes, even when you were so sure, to hear the confirmation come from someone else's mouth.

"I know," I said softly.

Hope stirred in his eyes.

"But I have to go," I added.

He mouth curved down slightly.

"Bella... what you're looking for, you won't find it with the Volturi."

"Maybe not," I replied. "But I have to see for myself. "

I turned and took a step. Paused.

"About us... Will you - Can I come back after?"

I didn't specify the after. We both knew that was ambiguous in and of itself. I wanted to ask him to wait for me. But that also seemed unfair.

His voice carried out from behind me.

"Of course."

I didn't stop to think about the emotions rolling through his voice.

I took a step, and then another, and then I was off. Gone.

There were no steps behind me.

That's it, let me know what you think! I know it's frustrating following an author who updates irregularly, but I'll try harder to get out more regular updates. Until next time!