Author's Notes – December was kind of a shit show insofar as updating between cons and holidays. Gonna try to pick up the pace (and at least attempt a slightly relaxed version of November's pace since Nano pressure is off). Fair warning, this isn't meant to be a super long fic so I estimate it'll end before/around 30k.

-—-

In the end, the fickleness of the universe punished Squall for not buying Quistis cake.

Mostly because he collided approximately one step post-door opening into Selphie and he didn't even get far enough to buy said cake.

Technicalities were the worst that way.

"You have some nerve, Squall. Leaving me high and dry in my time of need." she theatrically huffed after taking a step back. "You owe me a lifetime of free expresso."

"I wasn't." he lied, internally cringing at both the mispronunciation of espresso and the thought of Selphie that caffeinated. "My phone literally got all your texts a minute ago. My cell's reception isn't good here."

"Ok, even if that was true, then why did you look like you were gonna run out?"

Squall blinked as she crossed her hands and tapped her foot. He had no response to that.

"You're going to liar's jail Squall."

"Whatever. My mom isn't in there right now and neither is Zell so you'll have to pay for the espresso."

"Rats." she grumbled, kicking some invisible dirt for two seconds before dropping the act. "In all seriousness, how did you deal with Mr. Destined to Be's antics day in and out?"

"I dealt with him by not being a woman he was attracted to, I guess." Squall shrugged. "If you call him out on his bluff, he might start seeing you like a human being – the flirting seems to be a game to him. I observed a few instances where the people he had continued interactions with flatly shut down his advances. He appeared to respect their reasons and only joked about other things afterwards."

"Ok, I take back what I said and you're now officially pardoned from your sentence in liar's jail. You and your freakishly-long memory are the best."

Squall blinked. "Thanks? I think. Anyway, I need to go-"

"-Noooope you don't. You're staying here with me, lunch buddy."

"I already ate."

"Too bad. An extra donut won't kill you."

Squall honestly didn't even know why he attempted to be polite; he damn-well knew the only way he would have gotten out of here is if he had started to sprint as what he told Rinoa was not an exaggeration in the slightest. Even that wasn't a guarantee because Selphie was more nimble and agile than he was – her only handicap was that his legs were longer.

He let out a long drawn sigh. Time to bite the bullet and lie some more so he didn't end up thrown back into liar's jail again.

"…Selphie, we need to talk."

"…Can we talk inside? I'm so hungry I'm just about ready to eat my hand."

"No." he flatly said. "The reason why it looked like I was going is because there's someone in the café who thinks I left to avoid you."

"I'm not following."

"I needed to leave so I lied to her and said I still needed to run errands for a surprise party being thrown for you. If I go inside, she might try to intervene."

Squall witnessed an unheard of miracle in front of him – a completely-still Selphie.

"…Did you seriously use my texts as an excuse to hit it and quit it? I didn't realize you were capable of getting attracted to someone, never mind boning them."

"No, I-"

"-You wanted to quit it before you hit it? Ok, that makes a little more sense but only just a little. I still remain unconvinced your lower half isn't made of life-sized doll parts."

Squall groaned in frustration and started walking away from her and towards the parking lot behind her.

"Waaaait – I'm sorry! Come back!"

He only stopped when her hands wrapped around one of his like an Anacondaur trying to squeeze its prey's innards out to eat. It simply posed too much of a health risk to dare move further.

He looked back at her with a level look. "Life-size doll parts? Really?"

"I was in shock, ok? People say strange things when they're out of it."

"…Whatever. She was talking to me because she's a regular who befriended my mom so she knew who I was."

"So she's like 50-60? Ah, I see why you'd need an excuse to leave. Old people are brutal when they're super lonely."

"She looks like she's in her 20's."

Squall normally wouldn't have corrected her, seeing as most of the current customers who were not Rinoa and himself could have fallen into that age range. But too much could go sideways as is. He didn't need to add fuel to the fire so he doused the flames with a calculated risk.

"Oh. So she's ugly and as annoying as sin then?"

"Neither, I just happened to have errands to run. Even if they didn't involve buying cake."

"So you were trying to quit it than hit it?"

"…Selphie." he warned.

"Hey, I'm just keeping you honest Squall." she countered, finally letting go of his hand. "And by the looks of things, I seem to be the only one doing that job around here since you and Quistis aren't."

"…What is that supposed to mean?"

Squall could have left. He really could have. Instead, he was letting his curiosity get the better of him. Good job, he sarcastically told himself.

"It means that I know what Quistis sent you here for." she explained, alarm bells ringing in his head even though her weird turn of phrase was still throwing him through a loop. "Since your mom's not working right now and you don't have a buttload of stock to help Zell unload – which are like the only two reasons you ever show your face around here for — I know you're here because that girl who might have had a hand in some of our cases likes coming here."

He was now mentally kicking himself. Selphie was good at her job in ways people often underestimated – lulling people into a false sense of security and getting them to admit things they shouldn't being chief among them.

"…Maybe." he coolly responded, tensing slightly.

"So would I be totally off-base in assuming she told you that I was not on-board with this plan?"

He said nothing this time. Thankfully, she didn't take it personally.

"Well, that's the official reason but not the actual reason." she confessed. "I can't stop you from getting info or even boning her…ok, ok, I'll stop joking about that right now- but anyway, in the interest of keeping this short so I don't actually eat my hand, the reason I told her has to do with the fact Q shouldn't have been able to pick apart the origin of why the stories were strange as easily as she did. Not when you're me and we pretty much grew up together. So if you get in too deep, you might have more awkward conversations than you bargained for is all I'm sayin'."

"I managed to look at a few filenames on Rinoa's laptop when she had me type in an address for her." he admitted. "This…would explain why I saw her name in there."

"I was just hoping it was me overreacting since it didn't fit the timeline. I was afraid to test that theory." Selphie let out a long-drawn sigh. "In your honest opinion, do you think she's aware of the possibility?"

"I only found out about the possible case origins after she asked me to come over at 3am last night. It would stand to reason she couldn't wait if anxiety played a factor."

Selphie frowned, kicking more invisible dirt. "There is definitely something up if she called you over then when you live across town. Well, I'm going to eat 'cause I can't think straight on an empty stomach. Did you say what the party was for?"

"No."

"Eeeeexcellent. I can work with that kind of artistic freedom – you're not off the hook about coming in, by the way."

Squall sighed as he willingly let her start dragging him back to the café by hand. "Keep in mind Quistis is the one throwing you this party. Don't go overboard." he warned. She looked back at him with a weak yet still mischievous grin.

"I make no promises, Squall."

-—-

When they walked back in, Rinoa had moved to the table to the side right before the coat rack, her laptop and bags covering every inch of the surface. The seat she'd taken had her back to the front door, presumably to make it easier to keep watch over her coat, so Squall discreetly nudged Selphie and pointed her out. She winked back at him in acknowledgement.

Three…two…one…

"Squall, I don't care if you 'already ate' or 'had places to be,' I told you I'd pay you back the next time I saw you and I meant it. Selphie Tilmitt does not need charity from her friends." Selphie theatrically announced.

They were still behind Rinoa but Squall noticed a twitch in her posture. Perfect – she noticed.

"…Electronic money transfers are a thing if you feel that bad about being a charity case, you know." he dryly replied.

This earned him an ear-splitting raspberry. Squall noticed Rinoa twitch a bit more before they walked past her and he retook his spot from earlier. Selphie however, took the barstool to his left instead of Rinoa's old spot.

"The banks don't need to get any richer than the already are. Besides, I like supporting the little guys and having built-in excuses to buy a box of a half-dozen donuts a lot more."

"Why am I not surprised there was an ulterior motive?"

Selphie shrugged. "I wouldn't call it ulterior motive so much as that weird saying that you like to use. Um…how did it go? Two Carbuncles, one rock?"

"Two Chocobos, one stone." he corrected. Squall could have sworn he heard Rinoa giggling in the distance.

"Ah, that was it!" she exclaimed. "See Squall? I am slowly getting the hang of those weird Winhill sayings. I'm closer than the time I thought it was, 'two Grats, one blender.'"

Even after all these months, this particular iteration of Selphie butchering the saying still triggered a reflexive shudder.

"Thanks for reminding me of that visual. Pretty sure I won't be able to look at spinach or green beans for another month now."

"But is lettuce cool though? I was planning on ordering a BLT."

Squall rolled his eyes and unceremoniously got up to head towards the bathroom. When he was right by the coat rack, he looked back and managed to lock eyes with Rinoa for a brief moment. She then quickly tapped the side of her temple before making a walking motion with her index and middle fingers. He didn't have the chance to respond before turning around but he hoped whatever Rinoa had planned would not clash with whatever Selphie's artistic vision was for what she thought could go down. Assuming she wasn't straight up signaling that she was just gonna leave, that was.

As he walked into the bathroom two seconds later, Squall approached the sink and turned on the tap, going through the motions to wash his hands despite not getting them dirty when he ate earlier. When the last of the suds slid down into the drain, he looked up at the mirror; much to his surprise, his appearance hadn't changed any since he peered at his reflection in Quistis's apartment a small eternity ago. He contemplated splashing his face with water but decided not to. It wouldn't change what was going to happen once he'd walk back out, especially when just about the only piece of no-tech his mother didn't invest in was the paper towel dispensers over the 2-second hand dryers – walking out of here with a wet face would probably give Selphie more ammunition along the lines of a jab to the tune of needing to cool down because a cute girl was nearby. Or something like that. Not that it mattered what exactly Selphie would maim him with. Or that she needed droplets of water to maim him.

Regardless of the method of maiming, he did allow himself the luxury of a few deep inhales and exhales since he was the only current occupant of the bathroom before walking out; Squall suspected he'd stay in here forever if he didn't act on the momentum.

After two steps, the aforementioned momentum worked against him when all he saw in his line of vision was the coat rack with no one behind it, resulting in a harder stop than he intended. The resulting wobble as he tried to correct himself earned him the loudest of snorts in the vicinity of the barstools.

He turned to shoot Selphie an unimpressed look only to have the blood drain from his face.

Rinoa was now in his seat next to the brunette and the two of them were digging into a box of donuts already, lacking the kind of formality that came with not knowing the person offering food in an environment where poisoning was a non-issue. If someone walked into the café in this moment, they probably would have assumed they were old friends catching up instead of complete strangers.

For all that could be said about his and Rinoa's earlier meeting and conversation, this was witchcraft regardless of who instigated it.

"Squall, are you going to give us your best coat rack impression or are you going to join us?"

"Maybe. …I thought you were ordering a BLT?"

"I still am - my new friend Rinoa over here bought these donuts as a thank you." she explained, plucking out a confetti-topped donut. "I gave her directions to this place she was planning on going to later today since she's not from around here and her cell phone met a tragic end in a toilet."

The only saving grace of now being entirely drained of blood throughout his whole body was that he didn't have to worry about being red in the face. Not wanting to fish for further details and risk going from white to green, he turned his attention to Rinoa. Without missing a beat, she reciprocated by setting down her partially-eaten glazed donut on a napkin and ever so subtly shifting her head towards him.

"…You didn't have to buy her an entire box of donuts for helping you out." he said, before shooting a belated unimpressed look at his co-worker. "Selphie doesn't need charity, after all. And she should give you a few Gil back."

With half of the sprinkle donut already in her mouth, Selphie responded with a shrug.

"No, it's ok – really. My laptop battery was about to die and I don't have the time to go back to the place I'm staying at to grab my charger. I was really, really grateful for the directions." Rinoa reaffirmed, swivelling her barstool to grab the nearby box on the left of her laptop and bags to place it in front of the open seat to her right. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I overheard the part about you being owed food so feel free to take one. Or two. Or the rest of the box so I don't eat them all myself."

"…I think Selphie's in a better position to help you with that problem than I am." he said for her benefit more so than anything else. Namely to get Selphie to stop shooting invisible daggers at the back of her head.

Not wanting to earn another comment from either of them about how he was imitating a coat rack or a wall of some kind, Squall unceremoniously took the open seat beside Rinoa. She rewarded the action with a smile as she handed him a napkin. After he took it, Squall peered into the box's contents, straining to remember which donuts weren't super sugary or dense from the by-gone era when his sweet tooth hadn't been pulled out yet. Since Selphie was liable to shove one in his mouth at random if he attempted to remind her that he wasn't hungry, he figured it was in his best interest to at least have some choice in the matter.

"The last four donuts are a chocolate glazed, apple fritter, sour cream glazed and a Chocobo Tire." Rinoa offered. Whether or not it was her intention, Squall's ears perked up at the last one.

"…Haven't heard someone call a honey cruller a Chocobo Tire in decades." he commented before pulling the aforementioned donut out to place on the napkin. Squall paid her reinvigorated grin no mind, lest he wanted to instigate a barrage of tone-deaf comments on Selphie's part.

"While I can't say it's been decades, I'll can safely say it's been too long since someone didn't look at me funny for calling it that in Esthar." she replied. "I seriously didn't realize how many Galbadian nicknames and expressions for things were embedded in my vocabulary until I came here. It's hard to temporarily unlearn it all though."

"Yeah, we don't really have too many of those kinds of colourful expressions and nicknames for stuff – Esthar's big on straightforwardness when it comes to things like that." Selphie piped up from behind Rinoa, catching her attention. "The one time I went up north to Trabia and it felt like I was always talking to people who only spoke with inside jokes. I was there for a few weeks so when I finally went home, people were looking at me as if I was speaking in tongues until I obliterated all the common sayings I'd picked up out of my vocabulary. I'm pretty sure my and Squall's mutual friend Quistis was thisclose from committing me to an insane asylum."

Rinoa moved her arm towards the donut she'd left on the napkin but ultimately stayed her hand. "That…bad, huh?"

"Yeah. Like, calling a cruller a Chocobo Tire would qualify as super-tame by what I heard there since you can see how someone could look at that donut and get the visual of a Chocobo and a tire. There is only chaos and anarchy to be found in Trabian expressions." Selphie explained, the last sentence spoken in a completely deadpan tone. "I quickly learned that context is for the weak and for people who want to get nowhere fast. So if someone tells you they're going to pass the Moomba hug to you and toss a hooded sweatshirt at your face, you just go with it."

"Yeah…can't say I've ever heard that one. We just call them hoodies for short." Rinoa commented as she broke off a piece of her donut and popped it in her mouth. As he mulled over possible strategies to leave, Squall did the same with his cruller.

"Wow. Hell froze over. I honestly wasn't expecting you to eat that instead of letting it gather dust." Selphie ribbed before the sweetness of the sugary glaze even registered on his tongue.

Against his better judgement, he stuffed the rest in his mouth and started chewing, adjusting his posture so he could see and be seen by Selphie as he did it. Her mirthful expression slipped into a pained look in the space of a gulp.

"Squall, never spite-eat donuts in front of me ever again. Watching you do that was unnatural and I felt like I needed to kill you with fire." she said, reaching over to grab the box and take it away from him. Ever so conveniently, it was now in front of her. "Also, speaking of unnatural things – d'you know why Quistis has been blowing off all my text messages and sending my calls straight to voicemail today, Squall? Soooomething is definitely up, if you get what I mean."

"…Her blood pressure?" he dryly answered in spite of himself. When Selphie narrowed her eyes into slits in response, Squall was thankful for the buffer Rinoa provided – regardless if it was acting on his co-worker's part or not.

"No, Squall. It's my blood pressure that's up." she quietly replied in a voice that make him now extra glad Rinoa was acting as a buffer between them. "Seriously, what's the deal? You totally know something if you're choosing to be a question-dodging, sarcastic jerk."

Rinoa popped another piece of donut in her mouth, now intently staring at the remainder of the confection on the napkin as if it'd turn her invisible. While not pretending to not be there entirely, Squall did leave the accusation to hang in the air for a few seconds, mostly to ride out the temptation of using any of his preferred responses to Selphie's nonsense in general. And as much as he hated to admit it, never mind execute it, adhering to the 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' expression was a necessary evil to avoid souring whatever impression he'd given Rinoa earlier.

"…Selphie, I don't know any more than you do. I can try to text her for you if you want." he said, just barely staving off the exasperation in his voice. "That said, can you tone down the melodramatics for the people who aren't used to them?"

At least that was better than walking away altogether or piling on the sarcasm, he figured. Especially when Rinoa's gaze broke away from the donut and Selphie blinked.

"It's fine. I was just about to go after finishing my donut." Rinoa explained. "I need to be at the place Selphie helped me find in a few minutes anyway."

"No, he's not wrong. I get a little too intense sometimes." Selphie chimed in before looking at Squall. "I wouldn't mind it if you texted Q. Also, kinda on but off topic, the place Rinoa has to go to is in your neighbourhood, do you mind doing her a favour and walk her there if you're not busy? You know how confusing the transit situation there can be, after all."

His mind raced as the fear from earlier came into fruition.

Squall remained silent and stationary for a few seconds longer to pretend like he was processing the request like a normal person, careful not to overextend the pause any further and come across like he was reluctant to do her this favour; he mostly spent the time lamenting the dramatic irony involved in this convoluted charade, wondering if the people with a higher concentration of high-level assignments dealt with this problem often.

"If you want the help, I could." he told Rinoa.

"From what Selphie said, I wouldn't mind. I've had enough mishaps to fill my personal quota for the rest of this trip." she admitted before pointing at her napkin. "Give me a moment to eat the rest of my donut?"

"Yeah. No problem."

"Awesome. Thank you."

As Rinoa went to finish eating the aforementioned donut, Squall pulled out his phone and sent off a text to Selphie to pretend like he was following up with Quistis. When the lock screen showed that there was an unread message from Selphie, he clicked on it, figuring it was one of the many that were belatedly sent to him a few minutes ago that he'd forgotten to clear. This was quickly disproved as the timestamp placed the message at around the time he'd left for the bathroom.

' ;D ;D ;D '

They were definitely not going to go the place he wrote down or anywhere near the places Selphie was even vaguely familiar with on his end of town. She'd probably be there with binoculars since she didn't have the opportunity to do something ridiculous here - lack of actual, non-anecdotal evidence be damned.