Hey, hey! The truth will finally arrive! :)
Thank you all for favoriting, following and reviewing! :D
LuxKlara : Hajime non puo si riposare - Oikawa E i suoi genitori adorano imbarazzare Hajime. Avrai le risposte di tuoi questioni nel questo capitolo! ;) E il 32 anche! :) Ah, per il pogona... probabilmente! ;) Kiku ha un cuoro d'oro~ ;)
AnimeViolinist001 : I love writing about the boys' parents because even if it's how I imagine them and nt canon... where are their parents?! Except Hinata's mother who appears briefly in the manga, Ushiwaka's parents, and Tsukki's mom... there are NO parent ever! Only siblings... Do these boys' parents not care about what their sons are doing? Hniata literally has 30mn of bike and goes back home at like, 8pm - does his mother never worry about him coming home too late?! I'll try to add more of Shiratorizawa! ;)
TheLadyMuse : Poor Tendou? He got apologizes and cookies. Granted, he's still scared of Kiku, but a little less than before... ;)
pinkdoughtnuts : I wouldn't call Iwa-chan a "pervert" but he IS a teenager desperately in love with lots of homrmones and testosterones. And he never had a girlfriend so... he's got lots of frustration that would make think wrongly. XD
Aquafin : They ARE adorable, and I hope they will continue to be later on~ ;) I have lots of chapters written in advance for Quiet Voice, which is why I update so much! :)
xxjaelee : AHah, I thinkeveryone wants more Shiratorizawa scenes, right? ;) Iwa-chan can dream, right? ;D
Cooliceprincess : Your guess is as good as mine... Except the Shiratorizawa VS Karasuno finals of the Spring High, there is no other match, even finals, with a match won in 3 winning sets. The InterHigh match is won with 2sets, same for the Spring High Tokyo preliminaries and finals. I think it was just the exception to make the match more intense but well... I followed the manga/anime events. :/
FANFICTION
HAIKYUU! : QUIET VOICE
CHAPTER XXXI : Truth
"Those who really love you don't mean to hurt you and if they do, you can't see it in their eyes, but it hurts them too."
— Holly Black
"What I have with you I don't want with anyone else."
— Unknown
"Sometimes when we get so much pain in life, we go quiet. And everyone thinks you are just an introvert but really, you are just so damaged."
— Unknown
"I mean, sometimes remembering can really destroy you."
— Benjamin Alire Sáenz, He Forgot to Say Goodbye
"Sometimes quiet people really do have a lot to say. They're just being careful about who they open up to."
— Susan Gale
"I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won't leave, and fearing that it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go."
— Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet.
"The most intimate thing we can do is to allow people we love most see us at our worst. At our lowest. At our weakest. True intimacy happens when nothing is perfect."
— Amy Harmon, The Song of David
"I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often."
— Charles Bukowski
"What a terrible feeling to love someone and not be able to help them."
— Jennifer Niven, All The Bright Places
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
― Lao Tzu
"Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder."
— Maria V. Snyder, Poison Study
"Iwaizumi-san, I'm going to change," Kiku announced with a smile.
Several players turned around to glance curiously at their manager and Ace.
"Y-yeah, I'm coming soon too," he answered.
They all stared at the girl who walked out of the gymnasium while Iwaizumi, almost giddily, got the last balls into the cart and pushed it, almost running, to finish as soon as possible.
"…You have something planned with Kiku?" Makki asked him when he came back and checked that everything was done.
Oikawa glanced quickly at Hanamaki but Iwaizumi was too happy at what the rest of his afternoon would be like to notice their expressions.
"W-we're going to study for a Biology test." He answered with a smile.
"…Is that it? Stop sparkling, it's just some boring studying…" Matsukawa sighed.
"Buut~" Oikawa piped up with a teasing smile, "It'll be just the two of you in your bedroom and~ biology is one of your best subject – what better way to impress Kiku-chan with not just your muscles and volleyball skills but also your brain~?"
"N-not in my bedroom… we're going to her place…" He replied sheepishly.
"Good, I'll get to watch the show then," Makki teased.
"D-don't you dare!"
"Makki, this is so rude~!"
"As if you're surprised."
Iwaizumi decided to leave as soon as possible – to not be teased any more and avoid any flush on his cheeks. He took a quick shower, even borrowed some of Oikawa's deodorant and cream for the hands to smell good and not have a rough touch (who knew what might happen?) then he hurried to find Kiku, waiting for him at the entrance. They walked in silence, but it wasn't awkward, it was just peaceful. They glanced at each other several times, when the other wasn't looking and their fingers even brushed. When she didn't pull away and even stepped a few centimeters closer to him so their hands could touch by accident, Hajime's fingers were about to curl around hers to actually hold hands… but unfortunately, they were arriving into Kiku's neighborhood.
She looked up but her smile wavered and her steps slowed down. He followed her gaze and they stared, a little stunned, at a police car in front of Akiyama's Bakery…
"…No…" She breathed, eyes wide in sudden fear.
Kiku's stomach dropped and a cold feeling invaded her as her steps started taking her closer, without realizing it. She felt dizzy, her head spinning and Hajime followed her closely, a worried expression on his face. But his worry turned into surprise when, as they got closer, he recognized the police man leaning casually against the car.
"…Yamaha-san…?" He called hesitantly, not believing he was actually meeting his father's colleague here.
Hearing his name, the police man turned and smiled, surprised, to see the high-schooler there.
"Oh! Iwaizumi-kun!" He exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
"Uuh… I've come here to study with a classmate…" He answered, glancing at Kiku.
He blinked when he noticed her pale face, her body shaking in fear, lips trembling, even though there didn't seem to be a problem – or Yamaha-san wouldn't be so relaxed.
Yamaha snorted, raising a teasing eyebrow:
"Studying? Yeah, that's what we all say…"
"I-it's true!" He exclaimed, but his sudden blush betrayed him.
Yamaha smiled knowingly. He looked up towards the entrance of the bakery and everyone's attention turned to it. Hajime should have seen it coming but it was still shocking when he saw his father walking out of the bakery – he hadn't expected to see him anywhere near Kiku's house. Takashi seemed just as surprised to see his son, slowing down then he turned towards Kiku. They stared at each other for a short moment, something Hajime didn't quite understand passing on their faces. Kiku paled even more – he was worried she might pass out and just as quickly as she had looked at Takashi, she lowered her gaze.
Forcing himself to act natural, Takashi smiled to his son and his colleague:
"Hajime! What a surprise – I didn't expect you here, aren't you supposed to be at practice?"
"They're going to study," Yamaha answered, the tone of his voice obviously suggesting something else.
"I suppose you're Kiku-chan, then?" Takashi continued, stepping towards her and observing her reactions closely, "I'm Iwaizumi Takashi, Hajime's father."
She kept her head down, unable to meet his gaze. Her head was spinning, she felt like throwing up. Light flashed behind her eyes – a blinding white light, yellow and red blinking lights…
"I'm a police officer, my name is Iwaizumi Takashi."
"I'm Iwaizumi Takashi, Hajime's father."
"Tell Hajime I'm sorry, I won't be here after all…"
"I'm Iwaizumi Takashi, Hajime's father."
Hajime's father. Iwaizumi Takashi. How could she forget THIS name? How could she not connect the dots before…?! She had spent the last three years crushing over the son of…
When the silence got longer and longer, Hajime started worrying. He frowned, stepping towards Kiku and putting his hand on her shoulder, forcing his father to step away.
"Hey, you're okay?" He asked.
She flinched at his touch, to his great shock. She didn't answer but she finally reacted, glancing at him, without actually meeting his gaze then looking away, her hands curling and uncurling nervously.
Hajime understood that something had happened and that for whatever reason his father's presence here and Kiku's reaction were linked – they seemed to know each other. The other day his father had reacted to her full-name even if Hajime hadn't thought much of it, and now he was in front of her house in full police officer outfit? Hajime turned towards his father, sending a hard look, silently asking him what was going on – he wanted answers because he was at a loss.
His son didn't understand why he was here and Takashi had honestly didn't expect him to show up at the Akiyama Bakery. He smiled and lifted up a brown paper bag with written 'Akiyama Bakery' on it.
"I remember you saying that your girlfriend's family had a bakery and I wanted to taste," he explained with a smile.
Hajime didn't seem convinced and satisfied by this story but before he could say a thing, Takashi turned towards his younger colleague.
"Let's go, Yamaha," he said.
"See you around, Iwaizumi-kun!" Yamaha told the young boy before adding, "Good studying~!"
He winked at the teenager but he didn't have the heart to be embarrassed when so much mystery was around him. A moment later the two police officers had entered the car and were driving away, probably munching on the patisseries. Hajime sighed annoyingly, embarrassed by his father's presence but mostly worried about Kiku's reaction. What the hell had just happened?
"I-I'm sorry my father showed up out of nowhere, he probably thought it'd be fun to… Ki– uh, Akiyama? San?" He called when she didn't react.
She started walking straight towards the house, taking the path on the side of the house.
"W-wait…!" Iwaizumi exclaimed, walking after her.
He noticed her parents watching from the bakery's window bay, but their expressions were tense.
Kiku suddenly stopped and turned around, remembering that Hajime was here. But when she spoke up, her voice was tight and she avoided looking at him, her gaze was fixated on the ground.
"S-sorry… I-I'm not feeling w-well… could we… study another day…?" She asked in a little voice.
Not knowing what to do, or say, or even think, Hajime blinked then nodded sheepishly.
"Y-yeah… sure…" He answered, more worried than he let show.
Kiku immediately hurried to the house, as if he didn't exist anymore. He stared at her leaving, glanced at her parents and noticed that her mother was gone – probably climbed up the stairs to her daughter. Then, he turned around his feet and dragged himself towards the nearest bus stop to go home. His heart was beating hollowly, every beat seemed to squeeze and hurt more – the worry he felt was so overwhelming he felt sick. He clenched his fists, frowning and suddenly feeling like the only person who didn't know what the hell was happening was him and that… that no matter how Kiku felt, she didn't trust him and… he had no way to help her… He only wanted to see her smile.
At the Iwaizumi's apartment…
The moment the door opened and he heard his father's voice, Hajime stood up and hurried to the entrance. The moment he appeared, Takashi looked at him, knowing exactly what was coming.
"What happened?" Hajime asked.
"What do you mean by that? Did you study well with your–"
"You know damn well what I mean by that! How do you know her?! What happened?!" He shouted, his voice immediately rising.
His mother arrived, glancing between the two in confusion because even if her son had been absentminded ever since he had come back from school, there was definitely something weird. Takashi sighed then shook his head:
"I was just passing at the bakery to get some patisserie, I told you. Don't–"
The Iwaizumi family usually was a pretty good family with no argument, there was no voice rising, no violence – they were all in peace with each other and cared for each other and their son was mature enough (always had been) to understand that calmness and peace was the best solution, no matter what. But for the first time in seventeen years, Hajime had risen his voice at his father – and both Takashi and Umeko were shocked when he suddenly grabbed his father and shoved him against the wall.
"Stop taking me for a fool! You know Kiku! Something happened to her and you're involved! Tell me what it is!" He ordered with a voice so raging, it became almost impossible to understand his words.
Umeko gasped, hands covering her mouth to see her son's sudden wild behavior. Takashi stared at him with his mouth hanging open, not quite believing that for the first time, there was tension between his son and him – because of a girl.
Not any girl, though…
Once the shock had passed, he grabbed Hajime's wrists and clenched until he could push him off him. He didn't like being rough with his son but at this moment, Hajime was too angry and blinded by worry to think clearly.
"Calm down, will you? If you think that yelling like a madman and getting violent will get you any answer, you're wrong!"
Hajime clenched his teeth but swallowed hard, realizing that he might have hurt his father if he hadn't been a police officer used to some rough handling from delinquents. The tension was sparkling, Umeko glancing between her husband and son with tears in her eyes. But still, despite the shame he felt for acting like that, Hajime didn't look away and kept his gaze straight into her father's eyes – to make him understand he would not give up and he wanted answers.
"Tell me how you know Kiku… you went to the bakery with a purpose – what was it?" He asked in a low, angry voice.
"Hajime! It's enough!" Umeko exclaimed even if she didn't understand what was going on.
Takashi stared in slight confusion at Hajime then shook lightly his head:
"She didn't tell you?" He asked in a low voice.
"Tell me what?"
Hajime's heart seemed to remind him at every beat that he didn't know the truth about Kiku, that there was something he didn't know – and it hurt him so much to know that she didn't trust him.
His father hesitated then swallowed and finally spoke up:
"It's not my story to tell. If you want answer, ask her directly. But… I doubt this is the right thing to do at the moment. Perhaps… you should forget about her – date another girl, I'm sure there are plenty of other girls who would love to be with you. Kiku isn't someone for you."
Too shocked by these words to find an immediate reply, Hajime let his father push him away and Takashi let go, taking off his shoes and jacket and finally entering the apartment. Umeko stared at her son, not quite understanding what they had meant but knowing that her son was terribly hurt…
Hajime felt like he had many things to tell his father – that he was in love with her anyway, that he wanted to be with Kiku and no one else… but there was something he didn't know about Kiku that pushed his father to tell him that she wasn't "someone for him". Kiku was shy and awkward and she was cute and kind… but she was also strong and determined and she always put others before herself… She didn't have a quiet voice. That was who she was, right? That was the Kiku he knew but… but suddenly Hajime felt like he didn't know her at all…
Instead of screaming, crying or punch the wall like he wanted, Hajime just turned around and left the apartment.
"H-Hajime!" Umeko called, trying to go after him but her husband held her back.
She stared at him, bewildered but she prayed Hajime would go to the only place where he might find some support and comfort…
Tooru was texting with Mari-chan on his phone, laying on his futon, when someone suddenly knocked at the door.
"Yeah, mom?"
"Hajime is here, can he come in?" She said, voice smothered through the door.
He was surprised – Iwa-chan rarely came to his place, it usually was the other way around and he definitely never came past 8pm. Right now, it was well past 10pm. Even his mother's voice sounded worried. He sat up just as the door opened and Hajime entered, dragging his feet into his friend's bedroom.
"S-sorry to come in suddenly…" He muttered.
"What happened, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa asked, eyes wide when he noticed his friend's shaken look.
Hajime wanted to talk but he also knew that if he said anything to Oikawa, Hanamaki and Matsukawa, possibly the whole team might learn it – and he didn't want anyone learning about any of it. He trusted them, but he was scared of what it'd mean for Kiku and him, for their relationship, if the others learned of any of this. Whatever had happened.
He shook his head and Tooru understood that right now, he wouldn't get any word out of his friend's mouth.
"Which Godzilla movie do you want to watch?" He asked, knowing that he needed a distraction.
They did watch a movie or two – even if they had school the next day and shouldn't have stayed awake so late. But for the first time in his life, Tooru saw Iwa-chan not enjoying a Godzilla movie. If anything, he barely acknowledged the movie… it was like he wasn't here at all…
The following day for morning practice…
Oikawa still didn't know what had happened to Iwa-chan the previous night. Everyone could tell he was feeling down, everyone was glancing at their Ace then sending worried, questioning looks at Oikawa but he could only shrug and keep his lips thin.
"Oi, what's wrong with him?" Matsukawa asked when Iwaizumi left ahead, leaving the others thunderstruck by his undecipherable expression – a mix of worry, sadness and anger.
"I don't know, he just showed up last night like that… I think something happened with Kiku-chan but… Makki, do you know anything?"
"No, nothing. When I came back yesterday I tried to look by the window to see how these two were doing but the curtains were closed…" He answered before he frowned, "And… this morning it was the same, which is weird because Kiku always gets up early…"
Oikawa and him shared a look, Matsukawa glancing between the two in confusion.
"Okay, you two have been hiding something – what is it?" He asked impatiently.
They hesitated before finally telling him what they had found in Kiku's bag two days ago – but making sure that no one else might heard. Mattsun stared back at them with wide eyes, almost as if he didn't believe them but their serious expression were enough to prove they weren't lying…
"Practice is about to start!" Yahaba called from the door.
The third-years joined the others, but just before the team started warming up, Irihata called Oikawa. He ran to the coach, a dark look on his face.
"Kiku won't come today, she's sick. You'll have to take notes on papers so she could join it later in her notebook."
Oikawa immediately glanced at Iwaizumi who had finally reacted upon hearing that Kiku was sick. But his expression was only more worry, his body tense. The Captain nodded to the coach, not quite knowing what to do or say to comfort his friend.
Practice went as usual, even if a little dark without their manager and for the first time, Iwaizumi seemed out of it. He almost received a ball in the face because he wasn't paying attention – which was the main reason why Irihata decided to call it over before the usual time – he reminded them there would be no practice the afternoon because the school staff had to check the gymnasiums and the material.
After their showers, they got dressed, an unusual heavy silence hanging in the changing-room. Until Makki slammed close his locker and turned towards Iwaizumi:
"Okay! What happened yesterday?! You look like Kiku's dead, no one knows what the fuck happened! You studied with her, didn't you? What happened? What did you do that she'd disappear from the surface of the Earth? You raped her or something?"
He added a bitter chuckle to what he had hoped would be understood as a joke – unfortunately, the atmosphere was too dark for that and his bad-timed humor only made things worse. Everyone held their breaths when Iwaizumi's lips fell open and his eyes widened, not believing his friend had dared to say such a thing…
Hanamaki swallowed hard, immediately regretting his words and feeling his lifespan shorten suddenly…
"…What did you say…?" Iwaizumi started in a low, threatening voice.
"T-that was just a joke… no need to–"
"You think it's a fucking joke?!" He shouted, suddenly stepping towards him with his fist raised.
Hanamaki stepped away and at once, Matsukawa and Oikawa grabbed Iwaizumi before he could actually hit their friend. Yahaba stepped forward if they needed help to hold him back while the first-years all cowered in fear, ready to go get Mizoguchi if things turned bad.
"Iwaizumi, what the fuck?!" Mattsun exclaimed, pushing him away.
"Iwaizumi, calm down!" Oikawa added, for once calling him by his full name.
Even two of them couldn't hold him back completely but thankfully, Iwaizumi seemed to hear the voice of reason – perhaps it was Oikawa calling him Iwaizumi. He glared at Hanamaki before grabbing his bag and pushing away his friends from their hold on him.
"You really are an asshole!" He hissed when he walked past Hanamaki.
Kunimi pulled Kindaichi away from the Ace's path as he walked out of the changing-room, slamming the door. Everyone stared at the door in silence. A box suddenly fell off the top of the lockers, making Watari jump out of his skin.
Oikawa and Matsukawa threw a hard look at Hanamaki who, a little pale, raised his hands.
"I-I know! I shouldn't have said that!" He exclaimed, trembling a little.
"You'd better apologize, and as soon as possible… He's got enough to deal with, whatever it is, without his teammates acting like assholes to him…" Mattsun scolded, shaking his head gravely.
Hanamaki swallowed hard and lowered his head in shame. At lunch, he tried to talk to Iwaizumi but he stubbornly ignored him and barely acknowledged the others either – they knew it was mostly because he was hurt but they were at a loss at what they should do… They had never fought – arguments, bickering, little fights over petty things… It was almost normal for them, but a fight that lasted more than two hours, and worse: that their Ace, who was the mature one of the group, didn't want to talk to them… It was new.
After school, because there was no practice, Iwaizumi didn't wait for Oikawa or anyone and went straight into Kiku's neighborhood. He glanced at her window but he couldn't see anyone or anything. He sighed and entered the bakery, Nanami surprised to see him before smiling politely.
"Hajime-chan…"
"I, uh… I was wondering if I could see Kiku…" He started awkwardly.
"Oh, she's sick and she went to the doctor. But I could leave her a message for you?" She proposed.
Hajime observed her closely before he pulled his bag towards himself, taking out a few notebooks.
"Then, I'll leave you today's notes…" He mumbled.
"Thank you so much," Nanami answered.
One of his notebook slipped from his fingers and fell on the floor, several papers spreading around. He quickly leaned down to gather it all and Nanami let him put some order about the notes and papers on a table of the bakery – he glanced over his shoulder and once sure she was distracted he discreetly tore a piece of paper from one random blank page then wrote something on it. He left it in the top notebook as he brought it all to Nanami.
"She's… she's all right? Isn't she?" He asked worriedly.
Nanami stared at him, a little surprised because she could tell he had his doubts that something had happened with Kiku… then, she smiled softly.
"Don't worry, by Monday, she'll be back at school."
Hajime wasn't sure if it was reassuring or frustrating to wait two more days before seeing her. Before learning the truth… if Kiku was willing to talk to him.
When he walked out of the bakery and back on his steps, he crossed paths with Hanamaki who was going home as well. They stared at each other a little awkwardly then Iwaizumi continued his way. Before he could leave though, Hanamaki turned around and put his hand on his shoulder to stop him:
"I-I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said that this morning it was… I know you're not the type of guy who would do that and… and I really am an asshole… It's just… I-I'm worried, y'know and when I'm worried I just say stupid things I don't think…"
Iwaizumi glanced at him then sighed, unable to hold a grudge against him… not when he had been just as much of an asshole – to his father, to Oikawa by remaining silent, to the team and mostly Hanamaki this morning…
"I'm worried about Kiku too …" He admitted with a little nod.
"Not just Kiku, you too…"
Iwaizumi seemed surprised and Hanamaki continued, lips thin:
"You've been acting weird and you keep silence… I get that you're tormented by something, and you don't know much more than us about what's happening to Kiku but… we're here… The whole team, we're here for you – and for Kiku, so…"
He glanced around awkwardly – he wasn't one for emotional speeches. Or long apologizes. But it seemed to be enough. Iwaizumi smiled, a little smile but it was still a smile, and he put his hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Thanks… and… could you…?"
He nodded towards Kiku's window, silently asking him to keep an eye on her.
"Sure," Hanamaki answered with a tight smile.
"Thanks…"
"She's my manager too, y'know. Even if… she'll always be your girl…"
Iwaizumi seemed a little surprised, he hesitated before nodding and leaving, hoping his parents wouldn't kill him for running away last night – even if they knew where he had gone and that he had run away three meters away from home.
Some time later, Akiyama house…
"I'm a police officer, my name is Iwaizumi Takashi."
Kiku stared at the cinema ticket she had kept from the one time Hajime had saved her from bullies and taken her in town to relax. The edges of the ticket were starting to be damaged, and the ink was slowly erasing from the all times she had held the ticket. Her covers above her head gave a pinkish color to everything – her skin, the ticket, even her nails…
Someone knocked at her door but she didn't react, too numb and sleepy to acknowledge it. The door opened and someone sat on the edge of her bed.
"Kiku… I came as soon as I could… what happened?"
Yuuna's voice was tight with worry, probably tears in her eyes. Kiku didn't want to worry her but she couldn't feel the strength to push away the covers, or sit up. Her eyes just filled with tears and she suddenly felt feverish from all the tears she's cried.
Yuuna touched her shoulder through the covers then slowly pulled at it, waiting to see how Kiku was reacting to take it off completely. When she didn't freak out or cry out, she took it away completely. Her heart shattered when she saw Kiku laying there, red eyes and trembling lips, staring at the cinema ticket in her fingers. Worse, her blue eyes, usually so vivid, sparkling in joy and filled with life… they were… they were empty. It wasn't even sad or regretful – just empty. Nothing to feel anymore, nothing to be sad about, nothing to regret.
Without a word, the young girl leaned towards her friend, wrapping her in a comfortable hug – she hoped she could give her comfort, if she couldn't give her her love. Kiku didn't show any emotion or any reaction, she just laid there until Yuuna sat up.
"What happened? Your mother told me that Iwaizumi's father had come to talk to them and that you had seen him – why would he come here? What is he? Some stalker who wants to protect his son?"
Kiku's lips trembled. For a long moment there was only silence except for her raspy breathing. Even Birb, Pip and Kyuu had been taken out of her bedroom – without the pets, the room seemed even lonelier…
Slowly, Kiku forced herself to sit up then fell against the wall, without ever meeting Yuuna's gaze. It wasn't the first time Yuuna was seeing Kiku so broken, but it hurt so much she almost cried. And it was because of Iwaizumi – she knew he would only hurt her! She knew she shouldn't have let him around Kiku!
"His father…" She started in a low, trembling voice, "Is a police officer…" She breathed.
"And?"
"…He was there that night, he was the one… he… he recognized me when we met yesterday…" She breathed, starting to hyperventilate.
Yuuna wrapped her arms around Kiku's shoulders, brushing her hand up and down her arms to reassure her. It took some time but it worked. Kiku's eyes were filled with tears and one rolled over her eyelid and fell on the cinema ticket still resting between her fingers. But her shoulders, her entire figure was down, like a broken doll. Someone who had cried too much to hold herself together any longer – not just this time but times and times again, over and over again… Kiku was lifeless, as if all hope and joy had been swiped away from her soul… Yuuna hated seeing her like that, even though she knew it was the real Kiku.
"Seeing him must have reminded you of that night, that's why you had a break down… Did you see Fujimoto-san? You took your medicine, right?"
Kiku nodded but she seemed to be absent from the conversation.
"I saw him in the afternoon… a-and with the Inter-High… I had forgotten to take it… I t-thought, I-it'd be fine… I-if he hadn't been here…"
Yuuna pursed her lips together. If she hadn't taken her medicine recently because of the Inter-High, it explained why she had reacted so terribly. But she cursed all the Iwaizumi to cause so much hurt to her Kiku!
She wanted to comfort her but she couldn't find any word to say – she was too worried for her and angry at Iwaizumi (all of them!) to think clearly. But before she could say a word, Kiku spoke up in a shaky, broken voice.
"H-he looks so much like his father… W-whenever I think… of Hajime… I have flashes of that night… If I think of his father back then, I see Hajime… I-I can't…"
More tears rolled down, her gaze fixated at nothing in particular but filled with panic and terror. Yuuna couldn't quite understand how she felt but now, in Kiku's mind, Hajime – because of his resemblance with his father – would be associated with her worst memories. Even if she had fallen in love with him – love couldn't survive hurt and terror.
"Kiku…" Yuuna started sadly, not knowing what to do because if a part of her was glad her story with Hajime was over before it could start… she hated even more seeing her so broken.
Kiku looked over at her desk, a pile of notebooks there. She lifted up her arm, reaching out for it but Yuuna leaned over and took it, giving it to Kiku. She only had time to see "Iwaizumi Hajime" written on top of it – probably his notes about the classes she had missed. Kiku opened it then took out a little paper, handing it to Yuuna. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open, her heart missing a beat – out of fear because she could guess how much hope it must have given Kiku…
Do you trust me?
It took a moment for Yuuna to gather her thoughts but before she could say anything, Kiku spoke up:
"I-I hurt him… h-he thinks… I don't… trust him and I've acted like… I was so… he didn't understand and…"
"But… you don't."
Kiku glanced up at Yuuna, finally reacting a little as her friend put the paper from Hajime down on top of the notebook.
"You don't trust him, or you would have told him the truth. You didn't, you never did – your parents know because they're… well… your parents. But the only person you've ever trusted is me – not Hajime, not anyone but me. If you can't trust him, what do you expect would happen?"
It was the only thing Yuuna knew she had and Hajime didn't. She knew Kiku better than anyone, she knew her story, she knew her fears, her secrets and her past.
"Not only from now on Iwaizumi will remind you of all your bad memories, but you never opened up to him. Maybe… he's not the right one for you…" She said in a low voice, trying to smother the light of hope in her heart.
Kiku lowered her head, lips trembling, Yuuna's words sinking in. Her heart broke and more tears filled her eyes. Some time ago, Makki had asked her what she would say if Iwaizumi asked her out – and she had answered she'd say no because she "had remained silent too long". Even back then she knew it was just an illusion. Iwaizumi Hajime wouldn't fall in love with someone like her, he deserved better, she was just fooling herself. She didn't have any chance back then, she certainly didn't have any now. And after everything she had hidden from him, after everything she had caused, Iwaizumi would react like everyone else… he'd leave her. In the end, everyone leaves.
"I-I'm fine… just being friend…" She said even if her heart hurt so much she could barely breath, her fingers trembling and tightening around the cinema ticket, "T-that's all I ever wanted… a friend…" She whispered.
Yuuna moved away, watching her with big eyes, not believing the words she had just said. But Kiku didn't notice her shock, too heart-broken to realize she had unknowingly hurt Yuuna as well.
"G-good… good then…" Yuuna uttered, not sure how to feel at the moment.
A few minutes later, without realizing when, Kiku glanced up at the door, Yuuna gone. Some minutes after, her mother entered. Nanami sighed in relief, glad to see Kiku sitting up and not hiding under her covers – her safety place. Without a word, she went to sit next to her daughter and surrounded her shoulders with her arm.
"…I'm sorry this man came and made you feel… reminded you of all that."
"…I thought I was feeling better… that I didn't need… that I was over it… b-but it'll never leave me… right…?" Kiku whispered darkly.
"Fujimoto-san always told you so, didn't he? You have to learn to live with it, not fight it. I know it's hard but… it's a weight we all have to carry. You're not alone, Kiku… we're here – your family, and your friends and team they're here too…"
"They'll never… they don't know the truth and now, it's too late… they'll never accept it… it's too scary to tell them a-and Ha… Hajime would leave me…"
Nanami was about to say something when she noticed a torn piece of paper with written "Do you trust me?".
The sneaky boy, that's why he dropped his notebook… She realized with a heavy heart.
"He's really worried about you… He really likes you…"
"But he doesn't know the truth. He thinks he knows me but… but when he'll realize it's not the case, he'll hate me…" Kiku said, her voice shaky.
Nanami held her closer towards her, wanting to protect her but knowing that she'll have to face Hajime and her fears at some point – not just for Kiku herself, but because the boy was too stubborn to give up on answers and Kiku. He'll get the answers and… she could only pray he wouldn't leave her.
"No, he won't… because he's in love with you, Kiku… He would never leave you…"
Kiku shook lightly her head, obviously not believing it. Nanami pursed her lips before speaking up again, sounding almost angry – not at Kiku, or anyone in particular, but just the world for breaking Kiku's trust in everyone.
"You like him, right? If Hajime were to admit to you something he did, or happened to him – something terrible that would change how you see him… would it change your feelings for him? Or would you accept all of him, as he is?" Nanami asked softly.
Kiku's eyes shone – from unshed tears and slowly… slowly understanding, and hope… Nanami almost sobbed to see the tiny, fragile flicker of hope in her eyes – the most important feeling in the universe. The one thing that allowed to go on, no matter what.
"N-no, it… it wouldn't…" She breathed, lowering her head and seeing, once again, under a different light – with hope – the paper asking if she trusted him.
The question almost seemed like an offended request "Why don't you trust me?" – especially with his slightly rough and hurried handwriting. But Kiku knew Hajime enough to know that his question held hurt, not offense. "Why don't you trust me…? Open up to me, tell me what hurt you, I want to be here for you…" – if only she gave him a chance. If only… if only she trusted him…
Nanami pulled some hair away from her face, behind her ear then kissed her forehead. She took her daughter's abandoned phone on the night table and handed it to her, putting it in her hands then keeping a hold around Kiku's cold, trembling hands in hers. Warm and comforting – a mother's hands.
"When you'll be ready… send him a message…" She told Kiku before leaving her.
It took a long time for Kiku to have the courage to turn on her phone – she spent most of the night staring at it, glancing at the little paper… Then, the light, almost blinding, kept her awake as she read the messages she had received. She was stunned. She had received so many messages – from everyone, not just Hajime. Everyone on the team had sent her messages of worry after not seeing her at practice, they had all sent her recovery texts when they heard from Irihata that she was sick… The third-years had sent her even more messages, asking her what had happened, why she didn't come and wasn't answering – even Shi-chan had asked her how she was doing… She kept Hajime's messages for last. It took her a while to read them all – he had started with the casual, normal texts. He had worried, he had asked her several times the previous evening how she was, why she had reacted this way when meeting his father… He had apologized for what had happened even though he didn't understand any of it. He sent her a goodnight message. Then, the morning he had sent her lots of messages about how worried he was, more apologizes, then telling her he'd come visit her and bring her notes… He had spent more time texting her than taking notes considering the amount of messages and the time at which he had sent them. But ever since he had come to the bakery and left his notes, and the paper… he hadn't sent anything.
Do you trust me?
It was his last message.
Kiku glanced over at the sun slowly rising, coloring the sky and surroundings with pale, sad colors… She glanced back at the phone, exhaustion taking over her but she had the strength to type her answer.
Yes, I do.
When she fell asleep, she held onto her phone and Hajime's message, but she didn't have to hide under the covers and the colors of the sky were more colorful and happier than she had initially thought.
Iwaizumi's apartment…
Hajime was woken up by a sudden, loud, buzzing sound. He startled, sleepy but then the light of his phone reminded him that he had fallen asleep with the device in his hand. He blinked at it, already cursing Oikawa for waking him up so early a Saturday morning to go run when…
He stared at the message he had received. From Kiku.
Yes, I do.
Even if it had nothing to do with his last text, even if it seemed like it had come out of nowhere – he knew what answer this was. And he needed more answers.
He suddenly got up, hurrying to put on the first clothes he'd find before almost running out of the apartment.
"Hey, calm down there, where are you going like that?" His father asked as he was getting ready to get out as well.
Hajime was tempted to lie – but he had never lied to his parents and he couldn't find anything to say that his father wouldn't understand right away to be a lie.
"…If you keep secrets from me I don't see why I shouldn't keep some from you…" He grumbled as answer.
Takashi stared at him as he put on his shoes and hurriedly got out of the apartment. They still hadn't talked about what had happened but Hajime was too shaken up with everything going on with Kiku to even think about sitting down with his parents and talking.
Too restless to wait for the bus or train, even if it took longer, Hajime decided to walk to the Akiyama Bakery – and it gave him time to put some order in his thoughts. But by the time he had arrived, despite all the calmness he had gathered… it slipped away from him when he faced the bakery…
He stood there, like an idiot, for a while, not knowing what to do, what he should say the moment he'd see Kiku… He had so many questions but his mind was suddenly blank.
How did he face the woman he liked for the truth?
"Iwaizumi… san…"
He looked up and his heart missed a beat. He swallowed hard when he saw Kiku standing there, looking a little stunned but… but she looked so… so unlike her usual self. She looked tired, her eyes were still puffy from tears, she was a little pale. She was keeping some cover around her shoulders – she had obviously not expected anyone, and especially not Hajime, to catch sight of her…
…She was so quiet.
He hesitated, not knowing what to do or say, Kiku just as awkward and confused – it had been unexpected, she didn't know… she had no idea what to do or say.
How did she face the man she liked with the truth?
"Do… do you want… to come in…?" She asked in a low, hesitant voice.
He nodded and followed her as she started to go back into the house, climbing the stairs slowly, quietly, as if each step was adding more and more fear onto her heart… Hajime glanced at her, feeling sad because he knew that he would get answers – but he was suddenly scared of what it meant. What truth would she reveal to him? What had happened to her?
"I'll… hold on a moment…" She said when they arrived in the living-room.
She went into the another part of the apartment, doing something he didn't know. Hajime glanced around, a little nervously and instinctively got closer to the furniture he could see first – the table with lots of little objects and pictures. There were mostly family pictures and he couldn't help but lean forward to observe closer, seeing a younger Kiku. Her hair had been longer, all curly and pretty… then his little smile wavered when he saw her parents, a little younger and standing proudly next to another child. A young girl who had the same brown eyes as Nanami, the same brown hair – she was smiling, full of life. She was around the same age as Kiku, perhaps a little younger… He had no idea Kiku had a sister. He glanced around at every picture but…
"You can come…" Kiku said, suddenly reappearing.
He stood up abruptly and she either didn't notice he had stared at the pictures, or she didn't care. He followed her and because the silence was so heavy, he couldn't help but speak up hesitantly.
"I… didn't know you had a sister…" He remarked.
Kiku's steps slowed down until she stopped, just a meter ahead of him but she seemed so far away.
"…She's not." She answered in a shaky voice.
He blinked, he was sure the girl had been Nanami and Shouta's daughter from how close they all seemed to be – there were even baby pictures… He had glanced around at every picture but… there wasn't any with both Kiku and this girl together…
Hajime stopped breathing, his lips falling open as Kiku turned slightly her head to him, but didn't dare face him, eyes cast to the floor.
"…I'm adopted…"
So lots of things happened, a little bit is revealed and the whol story will be explained in next chapter. ;)
NEXT CHAPTER: THE BURDEN OF LIFE
Don't hesitate to tell me what you thought! ;)
Yours Truly,
May