Thank you for everyone who followed and favorited and reviewed! I totally forgot to thank you for over 300 reviews but THANK YOU SO MUCH! :D
starrat : Things will get better, don't worry, the sadness won't stay! :)
Houshikun001 : I'm the one who should thank YOU for sticking up with me, and saying such sweet words! :) Writings is the best way to share some truths that are hard to talk about otherwise, so, I hope I'm doing a good enough job. Every one of my Hiakyuu fanfictions have a lesson to teach and some truths about the cruelty and beauty of our world revealed.
LuxKlara : Sai perché Makki non sa la verità su Kiku, ti l'ho detto perché su skype. Makki anche erà molto toccato dalla storia di Kiku perché conosceva la ragazza per anni ma non aveva idea che era adottata o soffra moltissimo. Kiku racontando la sua storia a Hajime è la prova che l'ama moltissimo. Scusa, non è une lungha risponsta rispetto alla tua review ma abbiamo parlato di tutto. :) Spero che ti piacerai questo capitolo! ;)
AnimeViolinist001 : Thank you so much. I tried my best talking about this heavy subject as best as I could and I hope that more people will be more aware of what cihldren often have to go through. :)
PorcelainPuppetLady : Hajime's reaction wasn't well taken or understood by readers. Yes, his reaction was harsh and he shouldn't have gotten angry but not everyone reacts the same way to big rveelation or such heavy stories. He was angry: by what happened to KIku, at himself for not noticing anything ebfore, and because she hadn't told him before when he had thought that they were friends and that she knew she could trust him. Trusting someone is hard, when you have ptsd, such a past and big trust issues, it's even harder. Hajime didn't understand because he never had to deal with someone with such a story - the worst he had to deal with was an overworking Oikawa who snapped once and tried slapping Kageyama. Hajime didn't know how to react,he didn't know how to feel and his anger, ebcause it couldn't be expressed against Kiku's past, took the form of a feeling of betrayal. That's why he got angry, but it doens't mean he's not sad, or hurt, or feeling guilty for that. he's just very confused and doesn't know how to react or behave which is a normal reaction for someone who never had to deal with such things before.
DeadlyWhisper21 : Thankfully, from now on, chapters will only get joyer and joyer! ;) And my fanficcs always have a happy ending! :)
Krisia : I hope you're speechless because it ws good enough, ahah! x)
pinkdoughtnuts : I did research, but not as much as I wished. I had expected it'd be easier to find information, but it wasn't. If someone indifferent such as you was touched by Kiku and my writing, then I'm happy! :D
Millaby : Oh dear, I am so sorry I ruined your breakfast! XD Comme je l'ai expliqué plus haut à PorcelainPuppeteLady, la réaction d'Hajime a été violente mais tout le monde ne réagit pas de la même façon à de telles révélations. Il est en colère et il est blessé: par ce qui arrivé à Kiku, contre lui-même pour n'avoir rien remarqué et parce qu'elle ne lui avait rien dit auparavant alors qu'il pensait qu'elle savait qu'ils étaient amis et qu'elle pouvait lui faire confiance. Il n'a jamais eu affaire à une telle histoire et il ne sait pas comment réagir alors il a laissé sa colère et sa douleur s'exprimer. Je ne dis pas que sa réaction était correcte vis à vis de KIku, mais c'était uner éaction normale pour une personne qui n'a jamais eu affaire à des personnes adoptées ou qui ont été abusés par leurs famille et souffrent de ptsd.
Aquafin : Oh my goodness, consdering you're adopted I hope everything was fine in the chapter and it didn't hurt you. I hope you'll like the following chapters!
FANFICTION
HAIKYUU! : QUIET VOICE
CHAPTER XXXIII : Words on a Page
"I was always holding onto people, and they were always leaving."
— Lili St. Crow, Jealousy
"Even the strongest and bravest must sometimes weep. It shows they have a great heart, one that can feel compassion for others."
— Brian Jacques, Redwall
"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
— Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
"You make me feel good inside, as if nothing really matters, not the future, not the past, just now and right now it all feels too lovely. Like two people that are meant to be; meeting for the very first time."
— R.M. Drake, Beautiful Chaos
"Look to your heart and soul first, rather than looking to your head first, when choosing. Rather than what you think, consider instead how you feel. Look to the nature of things. Feel your choices and decisions. It just might change everything."
― Jeffrey R. Anderson, The Nature of Things - Navigating Everyday Life with Grace
"It's not about making the right choice. It's about making a choice and making it right."
― J.R. Rim, Better to be able to love than to be loveable
"Never mistake someone's kindness for weakness."
― Unknown
"The world is so beautiful, but alas! There are so many assholes."
― M.F. Moonzajer
"Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go 'Uh, I'm kind of an as*hole.'"
— Louis C.K.
Nanami and Shouta had discussed very quickly about the situation just as the bakery's doorbell rang. They turned with smiles to the customer but their smiles wavered when they saw Hanamaki here. He looked shocked and unlike himself, much more nervous and uncomfortable than he usually showed.
"Hey… uh, how is Kiku?" He asked, approaching the counter.
They didn't know whether or not Hajime had told him anything – it seemed so but they couldn't take the risk to reveal anything if it weren't the case.
"She's resting so she can go back to school on Monday." Nanami said with a smile.
Takahiro stared at her, recognizing the exact same smile she's always showed everyone. But he knew she was hiding why Kiku didn't feel good and it had nothing to do with Kiku's bad health.
"Can I see her?" He asked casually.
"I'm sorry, but… you shouldn't go near her."
"Ah, very quickly, Oikawa asked me to give her the notes about our last results. Y'know, being the manager and everything…" He continued.
"No. Taka-chan you can't see Kiku today." Nanami said, dropping her smile.
"Let me see her," he insisted, not smiling anymore as well.
Shouta was about to speak up and intervene when another voice spoke up:
"It's okay…"
They all turned towards Kiku. Her eyes were red from crying and it shook Hanamaki more than he cared to admit. His heart sped up as he glanced between Kiku and her parents… how could he never notice she didn't look like them at all?
Kiku glanced around, then by the window, her gaze saddening even more.
"Is… is he gone already…?" She asked in a low voice.
"I'm sorry, Kiku. He needs some time to figure things out," Shouta said with thin lips.
"If you want to talk with Iwaizumi… I'm sure he'd come back, I could run after him if you want, or something…" Hanamaki proposed, pointing over his shoulder hesitantly.
Kiku lowered her head then shook it no. As her father had said – he needed time. She turned around and went behind the shop to climb upstairs. Makki hesitated, then followed her, ignoring the way Nanami stared at him. Once in her bedroom, they didn't say anything for a long time.
"…Did he tell you the truth?" Kiku finally broke the silence.
"…Just that… you're adopted."
She turned around, something close to relief in her eyes – relief that Iwaizumi hadn't shared the whole story yet. But just as quickly, she seemed saddened by how things had turned out – Iwaizumi walking out on her, angry at her… her worst fears had become reality. What she had wanted to avoid had happened.
"I get that I haven't always been a good friend to you…" Hanamaki started, head kept low, "But why would you hide from me for so long that you were adopted?"
Kiku could have said the same thing she had told Hajime earlier – she had been scared. Part of it was true, she was always scared. She lived in constant fear to be left behind by the people she cared about. But the truth was that she never trusted Takahiro enough to reveal him anything. He was the first one to leave her as soon as it made things better for him – if she and Iwaizumi hadn't started to have something going on, she would have never talked with Hanamaki in high-school…
"You never asked…" She answered, a little more bitter than she intended.
He startled, almost guiltily, and frowned:
"How… was I supposed to guess and ask about something like that?! You could have trusted me and–"
"Trust?" She repeated, eyes narrowing at him.
He startled once again but this time, out of fear. Many times they had argued and she had been angry at him – but this time, she was furious. Her eyes shone with raw anger and hurt – because of him.
"How could I possibly trust you when you always pushed me away? When you left me alone for years?! When you knew I was being bullied but you did nothing to help me! Don't pretend you're my friend – you never were! You only used me to your own advantage and as soon as I was a bother or of no use to you, you turned your back from me and acted as if I never existed!" She shouted.
Before he could say a thing, she closed the space between them. He tried to step away from her but his legs hit her desk chair and he almost fell over, barely keeping his balance as she pointed an accusing finger at him, pocking harshly into his chest.
"That Hajime might be hurt because I didn't trust him when I should have – I can understand! But you! You have no right to be hurt because you never cared for me to begin with! The only thing that's hurt here is you pride because you assumed you knew me when you didn't even try to learn a thing about me to begin with! So get out of here!"
She stopped poking in his chest and pointed at the door, glaring at him.
Takahiro stared at her, mouth hanging open and eyes wide… She had often expressed how annoyed she was by him – but he never thought she'd actually think he didn't care at all… It wasn't just his pride hurt. It was the feeling that he had never been here for her when he should have – this is what friends are for… but she was right. He had never been her friend except when he needed her.
"If… you knew I wasn't your friend and that I was using you for my own sake… then why did you never stop helping me out?" He asked in a low voice.
Stunned he'd actually talk back to her, Kiku stared at him before trying to find an answer.
"Because… as annoying as you are, and as much as you hurt me… you and I are the same – we want to be loved and we don't want to be left behind… Everything you did, you did so you could be loved – when I want the same thing, I can't blame you for that, right…?"
Takahiro stared at her – he knew she was stupidly kind and always helped out others to the point of being gullible… but he had never thought she actually knew him well enough to know why he would discard her to begin with. To be loved.
"I… could you leave now…?" She asked in a broken voice, turning around to hide her tears.
Not having anything else to say because he had had his answers, he turned around and walked towards the door. He grabbed the doorknob but froze there, staring at his own hand and at the gesture of leaving her alone once again. He had always done that anyway… he always left her to cry on her own…
He glanced over his shoulders, realizing that as quiet as she was, her entire body was shaking from her sobs and the tears she desperately tried to hold back. She didn't cry because of her memories or the story she had told, she didn't cry because her secret had been revealed and she definitely didn't cry because of Hanamaki… She cried because she felt like the one person she had cared for and had cared for her like no one before had walked out of her life for good.
"Y'know… he's not our Ace because he's the most powerful spiker…"
Kiku stopped crying and turned around to stare at him in bewilderment that Hanamaki Takahiro would say something to her that was close to comfort… almost as if he wanted to give her hope…
"He's our Ace because he never gives up – whether it's getting a point or on people… He's just like that."
Without adding anything else, he left, quiet tears rolling down her cheeks.
Oikawa apartment…
With his parents gone for the rest of the day, Tooru had invited his girlfriend to come over and they were definitely enjoying their moments together. Hands brushing her sides and breasts covered solely by her bra, never ending sweet kisses, he and Marika were too ~busy~ to hear the sound of doors opening and closing. Suddenly, the bedroom door opened and they both startled, looking up with blushed cheeks.
"Mom! I can expl– Iwa-chan…?" He called, stunned to see his friend here and looking so distraught…
"Could you… get out, Iwaizumi-san?" Marika asked, trying to cover her chest even if Tooru was still mostly hiding her with his own body.
"Um, Iwa-chan, as refreshing as your presence might be… we're kinda busy and…"
His voice trailed off when the Ace's lips trembled and he quickly lifted up one arm over his eyes, wiping away tears. Immediately understanding that something must have happened, Tooru sat up, Marika following his lead.
"Sorry, Mari-chan, could you give us some time? I'll be back soon, promise," Tooru told her apologetically.
She stared at him, stunned he'd choose Iwaizumi over her but one glance in the Ace's direction and she understood that the only reason why he wasn't sobbing yet was her presence in the room. She put on her shirt then left the room, closing the door behind her.
"Iwa-chan, what happened?" Oikawa immediately asked, opening the window for some fresh air.
"K-Kiku…!"
And just before his eyes, for the first time in his life, Iwaizumi Hajime, his childhood friend, the stubborn guy who had always held back his tears and sobs no matter how much he hurt, the resilient Ace… broke into sobs. Tooru swallowed hard, not knowing what to do – an Iwa-chan crying who tried to hold it back and was angry at himself, he knew. But an Hajime who was sobbing and crying his heart out, face in his hands and sitting down… he was lost… He had never seen him like that and it was more shocking to see him in such a state than whatever reason he could have to cry.
"I-Iwa-chan…" He started, shaking himself out of his shock.
He went to his side and rubbed his back in comfort, but he knew he sucked at comforting his friend. He cried for a while then almost as suddenly as he had started, Hajime straightened his back and stopped crying, stubbornly sniffing and frowning at himself for breaking down so suddenly. Being handed a handkerchief, it took him a moment to be able to calm down completely and talk.
"What… happened…?" Oikawa asked hesitantly, scared of what had happened to Kiku.
"…I went to see Kiku, and… she told me the truth."
Tooru swallowed, lips pursed together. Hajime wasn't sure if he could share it with anyone when Kiku had had such a hard time trusting him but… but he couldn't keep it to himself and the only person who could listen to him was Oikawa. He might be a goofy idiot at times, but he was trustful and he wouldn't share it with anyone else unless he had the authorization from Kiku herself. So he started telling him everything Kiku had told him. He didn't keep anything left – he even talked about their argument and what Shouta had told him at the end…
Now sitting against the wall, the two friends remained silent for a long moment, Oikawa taking in the weight of all these revelations…
"I-I had imagined lots of things but definitely not that… Kiku-chan seems so close to her parents, I had always thought they were a happy family. And what happened to her in this other family… it's horrible…!"
Only silence answered to his statement, Iwaizumi's way of agreeing a thousand times over with it. Finally, Oikawa turned towards him with thin lips:
"What are you going to do now?"
Hajime glanced up at him with wide eyes, not knowing what to do or how to even understand this question.
"I… I don't know… what should I do?" Iwaizumi asked him, looking almost scared.
"Don't ask me – it's your Kiku-chan! You're the one she trusted with this! I can't take the decision for you!"
"S-she didn't – she didn't trust me! She had had many opportunities to share it with me but she never did! I had to confront her for the truth! If she never trusted me – and everything she said, what she really thinks of me and–"
"Iwaizumi."
The serious tone Oikawa had used, added to his full name, made Iwaizumi almost shiver in fear of what he would tell him next:
"You and I both know that Kiku-chan doesn't think that you're like everyone else or not special. If anything, you're the most special being in her life – what she said might have hurt you but, it wasn't what she really thinks of you, it's what she fears you might be. We always knew Kiku-chan was shy and afraid of getting close to others but you broke through her walls softly, gently, with time. You became her friend, probably her best friend and you… you are in love with each other… But with everything she went through… Kiku-chan has no other choice but to be cautious with others, after all, she's always been hurt… she opened up to you, little by little until she trusted you. You might think it was too late, but it took time for her to trust you and… in the end, she did trust you with her past – and you are the only one she trusted about that…"
He paused then put his hand on his friend's shoulder:
"Instead of being angry because she didn't trust you before you fell head over heels for her and that the two of you became this… this sort of unofficial couple… Be glad she trusted you at all. That of all people in the whole world, she chose you to trust, not just with her story but with her fears and hopes. She told you all of that hoping you wouldn't leave her anyway and that you'd show her you are different from others and that you would hold onto her…"
"But… I left her…" Iwaizumi realized, looking down.
"And if you felt like it, it's fine. You don't have to force yourself to anything, Iwa-chan. Kiku doesn't want that for you."
Oikawa took a deep breath then continued:
"If you decide to stay by her sides, tell her so. But if you think you can't handle it and would rather tell her she needs someone else than you… tell her too. In all cases, you should take your time thinking of what you'll do and as soon as you've taken your decision, share it with her. Even if it might be hard, do it as soon as you can."
"…Do you think I could protect her and take care of her well enough…?" Iwaizumi asked hesitantly, glancing up at his friend.
Tooru blinked, stunned by this question then laughed loudly. Hajime immediately frowned, crunching up his nose and pouting – if he weren't so down at the moment, he would have already punched him for laughing at him.
"Iwa-chan! You might act a bit rough around the edges, but your heart is softer than rabbit's fur! Softer than my hair, even!"
"I'm going to punch you for that."
"Now, now… Kiku-chan too, she knew what she was getting herself into. And it might have started with a big crush on the strong Ace, but who she fell for was the kind and soft-hearted guy behind the grumpy look…"
Oikawa put his arm around his shoulders with a smile, even if Iwaizumi continued pouting.
"She definitely likes you, and you definitely like her. And there's no way you would leave her when you feel so strongly for her, right? You're not the type of people to drop on people just because they had a bad story."
"…I still don't know what to do… I'm not… what if in the end it doesn't work out and she just can't… support me because I'm too… I'm not…?"
"Iwa-chan, you don't even know anymore what you're saying."
His shoulders dropped and he pouted even more, looking away but it was true. Amused, but a little saddened to see his friend so shaken up, Oikawa sighed and leaned against the wall, looking up at his ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars.
"I'm not an expert on love, and once again, I can't decide for you, Iwa-chan… But just think about this burden Shouta-san mentioned. And think about how you feel when you're with Kiku-chan. Which is heavier? Your love for her or the burden that comes with her?"
Hajime slowly tuned towards him, eyes slightly widened. The green eyes shone, understanding and thankfulness for his friend's advice slowly filling them. The way it sparkled with this little something that only people who felt True Love was enough for Tooru to smile reassuringly, knowing as well as Hajime what he would choose. Over and over again… it was in his eyes, it reflected the way his heart beat faster, stronger and the happiness he felt in Kiku's presence, overshadowing any sadness.
Hajime looked down at his hands, fingers fumbling a little nervously. Then he nodded, voice quiet. But he smiled, a little smile, but a smile anyway.
By the time Iwaizumi felt good enough to go home, Marika was long gone and the sun was setting down – though, Oikawa might have forgotten about her until Iwaizumi mentioned it. Hajime's parents weren't here – which was reassuring because he didn't want to face anyone else at the moment. His mind was still foggy and confused about everything he had learned in so little time. He had always thought he understood Kiku better than anyone, that he saw her but… he realized he had been wrong all along. He had considered several options – maybe an accident for her scars? Maybe this sort of traumatic event which explained why it was told she had spent a year in the hospital being followed by a psychologist? But… he hadn't expected that she was adopted, that her family had just taken her in, partly out of pity. He didn't doubt Shouta and Nanami now loved her as their daughter, but it didn't change the fact that Kiku never knew her real parents – that they abandoned her at birth to die. He wondered how she must really feel about it – knowing that from the moment she was born, people rejected her. That family after family, over the years, she was constantly rejected. That even in Middle-school and high-school she was bullied… and yet… and yet, she still found the heart to care for people, for abandoned animals, to smile and laugh and be happy even if everyday, she is dragged down by sadness and hurt and constant pain…
Tears in his eyes once again, he rolled over on his side. His gaze rested on his night table and for a moment, he didn't notice anything. Then, he saw the little packet of cookies she had made for him (and the rest of the team) with a ribbon and his name written with her beautiful writing. More importantly, she had added something no one else had: "Thank you". Joining Seijou's team might have been Kiku's choice but… she probably thought that if it weren't for Iwaizumi and Oikawa, she wouldn't be their manager. Part of it was true… after all, if he hadn't hit her with his bag on the first day, if he hadn't noticed her, if they hadn't had all these occasions and chances to spend time together… Kiku would still be alone. And he'd still be wondering when he'll fall in love once and for all. Everything they had gone through, all the smiles and the laughs and the easy conversations. Falling in love with Kiku was easy – she was so beautifully good and happy, she only waited to be loved… but for Kiku to feel the same for him… after everything she had gone through… every time they had spent time together, she must have felt her heart squeeze in fear and panic that she would fall in love with him and he'd never like her back – that he'd leave her at the end of the school year or even before. She fell in love with him even though she was scared. How brave she was.
Hajime's heart sped up a little and he sat up, going to his desk. He pushed away the various notebooks under which he had hidden his secret one. No one knew about it, not his parents and not even Oikawa. At the very least, Oikawa didn't know the contents of it.
For all the words I can't say out loud…
Back when he had found this black notebook with this sentence on it he had bought two of it. One for him and one for Kiku… He still remembered the day he had given it to her – what a mess it had been…
A few weeks ago, before practice…
Kiku had just joined the team and she was getting used to their (constant) shenanigans. She was a good manager and because she knew volleyball and had always kept a close-eye on the team, she already knew all of their habits and some of their personalities.
At the end of the day of class, Kiku was already standing up, putting her books in her bag while Hajime glanced at her nervously. He grabbed his own bag and opened it, seeing the two notebooks he had bought a few days ago. He still hadn't had time to give the one for Kiku. Or rather… every time he had had an occasion, he had run away. He was too embarrassed. How did he even start the conversation with the intention of giving her a gift when it wasn't her birthday? Perhaps he should wait and try to find out when– no, no, no. He was running away again, and it wasn't like him. He was the Ace, damn it!
"Akiya–"
His voice trailed off when he noticed that she was gone already. Groaning, he let his head fall on top of his desk, cursing his embarrassment and hesitation that had ruined another one of his chance.
"Iwaizumi-san!"
He jumped up, turning around and noticing Kiku walking back to him, and taking her bag – he hadn't even noticed she had left it there.
"If we don't go now, we'll be late at practice… Are you tired?" She asked curiously considering he had been resting his head on his desk.
"AH, uhh, no! I'm fine! Let's go!" He exclaimed, stepping towards the door as she took her bag.
He glanced quickly at his bag then stopped in his steps, realizing that… there was no one left in their classroom. Everyone was gone – it was a golden opportunity to give her the notebook! He turned around so quickly, she bumped into his chest before taking a step back, both flushing at the proximity.
"S-sorry…"
"Akiyama-san… I, uh… I… have… something to… to…"
She looked up at him with sparkling, mesmerizing eyes – they looked like sapphires, she was so beautiful he was losing his mind. He swallowed hard, blushing terribly as he shot his hand through his bag and rummaged through it, feeling the smooth cover of the notebook under his fingertips, he pulled it out quickly and pushed it into her chest, forcing her to grab it.
"For you! I… I saw it the other day and I thought… I-it's not for practice, b-but… maybe, if you need a notebook to… write… stuff…"
He stopped stammering when he bit his tongue by accident, holding back a whine of pain as she looked down at the notebook. She took in the pretty appearance of the cover and the English words then a smile slowly appeared on her face. It made his heart miss a beat as she looked up at him, her eyes shining even more beautifully than before.
"T-thank you! So much! I love it!" She exclaimed happily, almost bouncing up and down from how overjoyed she was to receive a gift from Hajime!
He smiled giddily, glad that he had gone through this hardship and made it out without getting a heart attack – and more importantly, that she was happy. Her happiness was so pure, it had to be protected.
Snickers resonated, breaking the two from staring at each other and they looked at the entrance, seeing the other third-years of the volleyball club, grinning teasingly.
"Aaaw… and I was expecting a confession~! It's just a gift – what did he offer to you, Kiku-chan~?" Oikawa asked.
"C-confe–!" Iwaizumi gasped, suddenly afraid that Kiku understood his feelings for her because of this idiot of Trashykawa ruining it all…!
Kiku startled and looked down, but she held the notebook close to her chest.
"J-just a notebook… exactly the kind I like most…" She answered.
"Is that it? Why are you sparkling so much for just a notebook?" Hanamaki asked, raising an eyebrow.
"L-let's just go!" Kiku exclaimed, avoiding the topic because she knew teasing was coming.
She ran past them, leaving Iwaizumi to face the teasing alone. By the time they reached the changing-room, he had already screamed and almost punched them all – which had calmed them down, a little. Annoyed by them, Iwaizumi changed clothes, not noticing that he had left his bag open – and that Oikawa glanced at it. The nosy setter blinked then leaned down, pulling out a pretty black notebook – not at all Iwa-chan's style and the exact same he had offered Kiku-chan.
"How cute~! You have matching notebooks~!" He couldn't help but tease.
Confused, Iwaizumi looked up then his face broke into the most offended expression – he couldn't believe his friend had actually taken something from his bag without asking and worst of all, was opening it!
"Oi, oi, OI!" He shouted, trying to reach the notebook before he could read what he had written inside.
Oikawa swiftly avoided him, raising the notebook out of his reach.
"Don't be so frightened, Iwa-chan! There isn't even anything written! What will you use it for?" He asked.
"Don't– wait, what?"
Iwaizumi grabbed the notebook and opened it, seeing nothing but blank pages. His friends stared at him as he paled a little. He closed and opened the notebook several times – as if it would make the words appear once again… then he hissed and dropped the notebook on the floor.
"N-no…!" He gasped.
"What is it?" Makki asked curiously.
"I gave her the wrong one!" He exclaimed, shaking his hair furiously.
His friends and teammates glanced at each other in confusion.
"It's the exact same, isn't it – what's the problem?" Makki asked.
"N-no, no, no! I wrote stuff in the other one! It's mine!"
"What sort of stuff?" Mattsun asked.
Iwaizumi blushed and covered his face with his hands, shaking his head. He couldn't tell his friends he had used this notebook to write everything he had noticed about Kiku. The entire list he had started writing in his head, plus everything he had noticed in-between… and some moments they had spent together… and sweet words that would probably make Hanamaki sick. Basically, his feelings for Kiku!
"I'm never seeing her again, that's it." He whispered, ignoring his friend's question, though they had a pretty good idea of what was in this notebook.
"Calm down, Iwa-chan~! It can't be that terrible – she hasn't read it yet, right? You can still get it back!"
"How?" He asked, looking up.
"We still have about fifteen minutes before practice starts, Kiku-chan always arrives before us – which means she already left the changing-room. With luck, she hasn't read it yet considering she thinks it's blank. We just need to sneak into the changing-room, get to her bag then get it back and you replace it with the one at your feet. Easy~!"
"We can't enter the girls' changing-room!" Iwaizumi exclaimed with wide eyes.
"Why not?" Makki asked.
"It's the GIRLS' changing-room!"
"…And?" He continued, raising an eyebrow.
Iwaizumi was about to give him an entire speech about how males were not allowed in females' changing-rooms (not that his friends cared much) but Matsukawa spoke up:
"More importantly, how do you want to get in? We don't have the key and only a few rare girls or coaches have it." He remarked.
"Kiku-chan changes in the changing-room reserved for physical education, the windows are big and easy to open even from outside. We help you slip in, you find her bag and no one has noticed a thing~ Your naughty little secrets are safe from her pure and innocent soul~!" Oikawa answered proudly, hands on his hips.
"Take away the 'naughty' – and how do you know if it's easy to open from the outside?!" Iwaizumi exclaimed, staring accusingly at his friends.
"You mean… you've never entered the girls' changing-room before?" Hanamaki asked with big eyes, "We all did, I have a few videos of these hot girls in class two–"
"It's forbidden! If you're caught, you'll get in trouble! If I get caught, I'll get in trouble!"
"Considering the amount of times girls were the ones to bring their boyfriends in, I doubt anyone cares anymore about how many boys might get in," Yahaba commented from behind.
The look of utter shock on Iwaizumi's face was priceless.
"…In some way, it's admirable that you're so pure-minded, Iwa-chan."
"You've totally wasted your high-school years, I feel bad for you…" Hanamaki commented, shaking slightly his head.
"Are you going to help me out or not?!" Iwaizumi shouted, flushing in embarrassment.
"Of course, we will~!"
"Why do you look so happy? I don't trust that plan of yours."
Nevertheless, a few minutes later, Iwaizumi was still standing behind the girls' changing-room, glancing around nervously to make sure no one would catch them.
"Stop looking like a frightened rabbit – it's fine!" Hanamaki exclaimed.
"I-I don't think we should…"
"Just get on with it, or we'll be late for practice." Matsukawa said, leaning down with his hands joined together.
Iwaizumi hesitated before putting his foot on it and was raised high enough to reach the window up the wall. Following Oikawa's instruction, he pushed it open and glanced inside.
"Even with my help you're too short to see clearly?" Mattsun asked, jaw tight because the Ace, as short as he was, was heavy – a real pack of muscles.
"I don't want to be seen if there's anyone inside…!" He muttered, glaring down at the middle-blocker.
Mattsun rolled his eyes and lifted him up by force to get rid of his weight on his arms. Iwaizumi gasped and almost hit his head on top of the window if he hadn't had the sense to sneak his bust in time – there was no girl or anyone around, so he started pulling himself inside. But even with the window being big enough, he had to push his feet against the wall, trying to get in but the window was hitting his ribs.
The three others watched him struggling, his feet hitting the wall while he couldn't actually get in past his hips.
"Why didn't we use the old chair hidden in the bushes?" Hanamaki asked Oikawa in a low voice.
"Because it's funnier like that," he answered, snorting at the view of Iwaizumi's struggling butt and his legs moving around.
He snorted back and, desperate to get him in, Matsukawa grabbed Iwaizumi's ankles and pushed him in. They heard a shout, cut by a scream then the heavy sound of his body hitting the floor.
"You're okay, Iwaizumi?" Mattsun asked loudly as they heard a low moan.
"…No! I'm not! As soon as I'm back, I'll punch you for pushing me in without warning!"
"I assumed that grabbing your ankles was enough of a warning."
Iwaizumi grumbled something – probably some insults – but they couldn't hear him.
"Just go get her bag and switch the notebook before someone comes in!" Hanamaki exclaimed.
In-between Oikawa had gotten the chair and climbed it up until he could see inside. Hanamaki and Matsukawa joined him, all three struggling to keep their balance on the chair but managing to look at the show. Iwaizumi hadn't noticed them, massaging his hip as he walked around carefully – he kept glancing to make sure he wouldn't be caught. But then, he realized something: there were lockers. Which meant he'd have to look through every single one of them until he'd find Kiku's bag. Knowing that there weren't that many girls coming to this changing-room at such an hour, he quickly moved towards the closest lockers, opening them one by one. As soon as he was sure it wasn't Kiku's or that it was empty, he'd close it. He swore under his breath when some girl's notebook fell at his feet – with lots of pictures. Of Oikawa. He wouldn't have cared if some weren't photoshopped – a fully naked body with Oikawa's head added. He growled, closing his eyes from how disgusting it was to see his friend turned into some girl's phantasm. He quickly pushed the pictures back in the notebook and put it in the locker, deciding to forget this awful memory from his head. He continued exploring the lockers. Finally, there was a bag that made him stop – more importantly there was a little charm hanging from the bag: a pink bird. Kiku's!
"Yes…!" He hissed to himself with a victorious grin, opening her bag.
He immediately saw the notebook, he put the right one in that had miraculously not get damaged with his struggle through the window. He quickly opened his notebook and thanked the gods what he had written was in. He just prayed that Kiku hadn't opened and seen it.
"It's done?" Oikawa called from the window.
"Yea– what the fuck are you doing up here? How did you–"
Before he could finish, the door started opening. Oikawa, Hanamaki and Matsukawa immediately dived behind the wall, unseen, while Iwaizumi ran behind the lockers. He fell forward and rolled around, sitting against the lockers and praying he hadn't been seen but considering there was no scream from the girls, he hadn't been. He looked up and froze, realizing there was a mirror in front of him, a little on the right – giving him a full view of what was happening in the changing-room.
Oh no, fuck… He thought, closing his eyes and covering them with the notebook. Why are there girls suddenly changing in here? Granted, it IS a girl's changing-room – but WHY?
From the window, Hanamaki couldn't help but chuckle and take in the view as well.
"Looks like he's catching up all three years he wasted staying out of the girls' changing-room. What a lucky bastard – why does it never happen to me?"
"You're watching them, aren't you?"
"Not as closely as Iwaizumi, though."
While the girls chatted, and chatted, and kept taking their sweet time changing, Iwaizumi had to fight to not glance quickly (he was a teenager, after all). When, finally, they all moved out of the room, he sighed in relief. He glanced in the mirror to make sure there wasn't anyone. He was about to stand up and get away when the door opened yet again. He fell back in his previous position, his back hitting the locker. He glanced in the mirror in panic, the girl who had just entered glancing suspiciously in his direction even if she couldn't see him. Worse, he almost had a heart attack when he recognized the girl: Kiku. She was still wearing her uniform – why hadn't she changed yet?
He had to hold back from hitting himself with the notebook – she had mentioned having to go see the teacher today, she might have forgotten and remembered just before changing.
Damn it. Why. Why. WHY?
He suddenly looked up when he heard the sound of clothes being pulled off and falling on the floor. For a short moment he imagined he was the one taking off her clothes and he couldn't help but glance in the mirror. As soon as he saw she was in just her underwear, he covered his face once again. Hearing suspicious sounds, he looked up and saw his three idiots tapping at the window and giving him thumbs up with the silliest smiles he had ever seen on their faces. He gave them big signs, waving at them to get away before Kiku might notice them but they only seemed to enjoy it even more. If only he had a ball to throw at their faces. Finally, he heard the sound of the locker door being closed and a minute later, Kiku was leaving. He sighed in relief, almost dying where he was before remembering that he needed to hurry to get to practice. He went back towards the window and lifted up his hands, realizing he was too short to reach it.
"You're a volleyball player or not? Jump!" Hanamaki exclaimed.
"Hold on a minute!" He exclaimed back, bending down to jump.
He jumped up just as the door opened again, ruining his momentum.
"Fuck…!" He swore, realizing he was hanging from the window and that he might fall any moment if he let go – and be noticed by whoever had entered.
His friends grabbed his forearms, pulling him through the window even though they all struggled.
"It's Kiku again, she forgot something!" Mattsun remarked, watching from the window.
"Let's drop him back in, it'll make them interact," Makki proposed.
"Don't let go, don't let go, don't let go you asshole!" Iwaizumi threatened in a low voice.
Kiku was already leaving, not having noticed anything. Iwaizumi pushed on his feet while the others pulled – but they all fell backwards and onto the grass with screams.
"…You had a fucking chair… and you didn't tell me… that was fun for you, wasn't it…?" Iwaizumi grumbled, starting to stand up.
"Yeah, but you wasted golden opportunities. Again." Hanamaki answered.
Iwaizumi frowned and punched him in the ribs, making him fall back on the grass, the two other idiots received punches too.
"You have it, right?" Oikawa asked.
Iwaizumi lifted up his notebook, a sigh of relief escaping his lips.
"Practice! We're gonna be late!" Mattsun suddenly exclaimed.
They all got up and ran back to the gymnasium – and with a stop at their changing-room so that Iwaizumi could put his notebook in his bag.
"Where were you?" Kiku asked when they arrived.
"Uuuuh…"
"Admiring your–"
Iwaizumi elbowed Hanamaki before he could finish his sentence, sending him into a violent fit of coughs.
"W-we were admiring your… your… good deeds." He answered awkwardly.
She seemed a little confused and he quickly added:
"Birds. Your good deeds… concerning birds… taking them in and… being good. To them."
"Being good to us for the show y'mean…" Hanamaki mumbled, Mattsun and Oikawa pushing him behind them.
Kiku stared at them, concluded it was another one of their shenanigans. She smiled with a nod then walked away. Iwaizumi sighed in relief before glancing over his shoulders, glaring at his friends who had left him to take care of it all on his own. Mostly at Hanamaki for making it worse.
"Good deeds? Her good deeds? That's all you could come up with after watching her strip off her clothes, seriously?" Oikawa asked with a shake of his head.
"I didn't! I didn't actually look!" He exclaimed before walking away with a frown, "Because I was too busy trying to get you to look away, damn it…" He added in a low voice.
"What was thaaaat~? Kiku-chan, wanna hear something interesting~?"
"OI! DUMBASS!"
Hajime couldn't help but smile, opening his notebook and reading one by one every single sentence. Everything was something he had noticed about Kiku, something he had lived with Kiku, something about Kiku. It was all about his feelings for her. By the time he reached the last page he had written on, he had laughed at the memories and his smile was so big it hurt his cheeks…
How could he even hesitate? Kiku… ever since she had entered his life, everyday was brighter. Every moment by her side was happier. She might have had a terrible life, and would struggle for the rest of her days with the burden that her past brought upon her… but he was willing to take her hand and move forward. As long as they were together. He wouldn't leave her. Ever. No matter what their relationship turned out to be in the end.
This notebook held everything that had made him fall in love with Kiku – but there was one thing that hadn't been written yet.
"Which is heavier? Your love for her or the burden that comes with her?"
Hajime took a pen and added something he wrote down. He didn't need to say much, but everything he needed to say was in three little words on a page in a notebook he had bought thinking of her.
I love her.
BONUS
[Hanamaki's thoughts on his way back to his house after he had talked with Kiku…]
I don't get her kindness. He thought to himself, hands in his pockets and looking down.
They had met just before they entered Middle-school when his family moved in here. Because Kiku was the only child around his age in the neighborhood and for some reason he never quite understood, she stuck to him – she might have taken pity because he had left all of his friends and didn't know anyone. Or perhaps she was just being kind. He spent an awful lot of time with her, in the Akiyama garden – she taught him how to receive and spike in volleyball and after some time, her uncle taught them both. He liked the sports and decided to continue in middle-school.
He wasn't shy back then, but he didn't feel as confident as he was now – he was still a child who didn't know the neighborhood except for one awkward and shy girl. Everyone already knew each other at Middle-school and they both ended up being the awkward ones left on a side. It was only after he joined the volleyball team and he got better and better that he spent more time with his new friends than Kiku. They barely spent time together anymore and rumors started to spread about Kiku.
"Why are you hanging out with Akiyama? She's so weird and I've heard she's mad, something wrong in he brain and she went to the hospital." One of his best friends from back then told him.
Takahiro blinked, he had never heard of that – but she had been in the hospital which was why, being a year older than him, they had entered Middle-school in the same time.
"I don't know, she never said anything. She's…"
She's kind and she's not mad or anything… Was what he wanted to say.
"She's just my neighbor." He said instead, his hear squeezing a little.
"Ah? Is that so? I'm reassured, I was scared you might be as crazy as her!"
Takahiro laughed in the same time, even if it didn't sound natural and after that, as bad as he felt, he tried to avoid being seen with Kiku. He didn't want his new friends to think he was crazy or weird for hanging out with her. He had been alone before he met Kiku, he didn't want to be left behind by his new friends from the volleyball team – and they all thought it was weird for a boy and a girl to be friends. They'd start imagining things.
"Taka-chan!"
He glanced over his shoulder but when he saw Kiku trying to talk to him, and when he felt the way his friends stared at him accusingly, he couldn't bear to stop and get teased after… If they thought he was actually friend with her… they'd stop hanging out with him. He'd be all alone and it'd be Kiku's fault for being so weird to begin with… Or so he liked to pretend as he turned away from her and followed his friends, ignoring her calls.
After his second-year, he started growing up and his height and his skills on the volleyball club gave him the title of Ace – the Ace of the volleyball club had a reputation to hold. He had more and more friends. Girls seemed to like him. He couldn't be seen with the black sheep Akiyama Kiku. He kept trying to find excuses to explain why he had no reason to be seen with her – they didn't have the same tastes in stuff, anyway. She was plain and boring. He never really enjoyed her company anyway. She was just his neighbor. He wanted to be loved and it wouldn't be possible if she was around. He had a reputation to hold up.
Kiku seemed to understand without a word and she kept her distance until they didn't glance at each other when walking through the same halls. It almost felt like they were ignoring each other. But as soon as Takahiro needed some help with his homework, he just needed to go ask the Akiyama to ask their daughter – they were always glad when Kiku's friend came over. He even got free patisserie this way. Kiku never told him no, she always helped him out. She never mentioned the way he was avoiding and ignoring her the rest of the time. When she wasn't of any use for him.
"By the way, Takahiro," his mother spoke up a few days before high-school during dinner, "I told Akiyama-san you'd accompany Kiku-chan for high-school – in the morning and afternoon."
"What?!" He exclaimed, putting down his bowl of rice, offended his mother had taken such a decision without asking him first.
She blinked at him, stunned by his reaction.
"What's the problem? You're friends, aren't you? She's a pretty young girl now, she might get in danger."
"Pretty, sure…" He snorted, rolling his eyes.
"Taka-nii doesn't want to be seen with her, because she's weird," his little sister piped up.
"OI! Shut it!"
"Takahiro, what's this story? I hope you're not letting stupid rumors uselessly hurt Kiku." His mother scolded, narrowing her eyes.
"N-no, of course not… b-but I'll have practice and–"
"Kiku-chan will start a club too in high-school so you'll start and finish at the same hour."
Not having any excuse to avoid being seen with her, he finally agreed to it – but mostly because he had no choice and he couldn't let his mother discover he had been avoiding Kiku for almost three years. Their parents still believed they were good friends. He didn't want them to find out he basically was an asshole.
On the first day to high-school, both their parents watched them go together, Kiku remaining quiet during the entirety of the way to the bus stop. They climbed in and Kiku sat down, watching as Takahiro went to another seat. She was about to follow him when he stopped her:
"Oi, I agreed to accompany you to school, not to babysit you. You don't need to sit with me." He mumbled.
She was hurt – he could see it in her eyes, but he looked away from her, from her hurt and from his guilt. She sat back at the seat, glancing in his direction often to make sure he wouldn't go down without her. Unfortunately, she had figured him out because he stepped off the bus one stop before the one for Aoba Jousai. Kiku ran after him, jumping down the bus and following him as he growled, hands in his pockets.
"W-wait! It wasn't the right bus stop!" She exclaimed, catching up with him and showing the paper her uncle had given her with the indications.
"Then why did you follow me?"
"I… o-our parents said we should go together – I can't leave you alone and–"
"I don't need you to babysit me. I can go to high-school on my own." He replied.
She was hurt again but he kept his eyes stubbornly turned to the road. She followed him, almost running to keep up with his long legs. She remained silent, except her light panting – he would have almost felt guilty but they needed to hurry to be on time (even if it was his fault for going down the bus before the right stop). Kiku suddenly grabbed his sleeve, forcing him to a stop.
"OI! Don't grab me like that!" He shouted, snatching up his arm away from her.
She startled and stepped away just as a car came by full speed – if she hadn't stopped him, he would have been hit… He swallowed hard and lowered his arm, but he was too proud to thank her…
When had they become so distant? He knew it was his own fault but… he almost wanted to blame Kiku – just to sleep easier and not have to deal with the guilt. He was an asshole, after all. Assholes didn't bother themselves with guilt.
Just as they started noticing students wearing their uniforms, it was Takahiro's turn to stop her.
"Listen, we don't know each other. You don't know me, I don't know you, if asked, we're neighbors but we never talk. Don't talk to me or even look at me, okay? I don't want your weird rumors falling on me in high-school." He said, glaring at her to keep her from doing anything against his will.
She stared up at him sadly, lips trembling before she lowered her head and nodded silently.
"Stay here and wait for me to enter the gates before continuing your way. I don't want to be seen with you at all." He muttered, already leaving her.
He glanced over his shoulder a few times, but she remained leaning against the wall, looking at her feet and waiting for him to enter the high-school gates. He sighed in relief when he didn't have her in sight anymore – less guilt to deal with. He might have waited under a tree, pretending to read some indications to see her come in, sighing in relief to know she had come despite it all. She walked shyly, awkwardly, clutching her own arm and bag. He walked with his head held high, confident steps taking him forward. They were totally different. They couldn't be seen together.
Kiku followed his instruction and even if he was aware of her being the Ghost of Flowers, she remained a total ghost. No one took notice of her, no one seemed to even know about her. There were some nasty rumors that had managed to follow her though: being mad because of her time in the hospital. But Hanamaki never had to deal with it. He knew she was being bullied but she never told him or anyone anything, and he never found out who was bullying her. Not that he was looking for this person. Not at all.
"Akiyama!"
She turned around, not believing that Hanamaki Takahiro had called her name. Even if they were in front of their houses and not in school, he barely acknowledged her anymore and he was already on the line-up of the volleyball team – he had his reputation to save and wouldn't risk it for the likes of her… so what did he want?
"I already gave your mother the notes for the other day's classes. And I didn't tell her you skipped, I just said you had fallen asleep because of practice…" She immediately said when he arrived to her level, thinking she had done something wrong.
"Ah, yeah, I know, thanks for that! I just wanted to ask you something." He continued.
She narrowed her eyes but he continued with the smile he reserved for convincing people – and especially teachers – that he was an innocent lad.
"Could you cover for me tomorrow? My girlfriend comes over, she and I might… y'know. And I don't want my mother to find out."
But Kiku knew him better than teachers. For a moment he thought he had seen anger in her eyes but as quickly as it had appeared there was… was it pity? He swallowed hard, feeling judged and guilty. He thought she would refuse to help him out this time but she looked away sadly and shrugged.
"What do you want me to do?"
He grinned and gave her the instructions. The following day, she did as he had asked her. Like always. And she covered for him, whether it was missed classes or his girlfriends coming over, still helping him with his homework. He never did anything in exchange, not really, but she never really asked for anything so, he didn't have to do anything. Right? She was so stupidly kind, it was so easy to take advantage of her – she wanted so badly to get along with people and to please them that she didn't know how to say no to anything or anyone! She was so gullible, it only served others and never her!
For all three years of high-school, it was the same thing. Pretending she was a ghost he didn't see at school, ignoring each other, but Kiku always helping him out when he needed without ever asking for anything in return.
I don't get her kindness. Takahiro thought again as he climbed up the stairs to his bedroom, trying not to connect the dots with what he had learned. She was adopted. Even adopted, why did you never ask for anything in return? Why did you always help me out, damn it?
"You and I are the same – we want to be loved and we don't want to be left behind… Everything you did, you did so you could be loved – when I want the same thing, I can't blame you for that." She had told him just a few minutes ago.
We're not the same. I want to be loved because it makes me feel good and powerful. You want to be loved… because you never had anyone to love you. He thought to himself, pushing open the door.
He looked up and saw his girlfriend, or rather, the last girl with whom he had sex more than three times. They weren't exactly dating – more like sex buddies but it was the second time she was in his bedroom. Which was more than average. They had been about to get going when he had noticed Iwaizumi in Kiku's room – and he had seen the Ace go away, following him to figure out what had happened.
"So, what happened?" She asked without looking up from her phone.
"…Just stuff… I'm not feeling very good, we should cancel what we had planned." He said, letting himself fall on his bed.
She looked up at him and seemed to understand that something must have happened because he looked down. And Hanamaki never said no to sex.
"Y'know… I don't come over with you just to have sex with you." She said, putting down her phone.
He glanced up at her, surprised that she actually seemed to care about how he felt – usually his girls were with him just to say they had had sex with one of the stars of the school. If they couldn't get Oikawa or Iwaizumi, he was the third most valuable option and he definitely embraced the opportunity.
"You want to talk about it?" She asked softly, a little awkwardly, raising an eyebrow.
"…No. I'm just an asshole." He muttered against his pillow, blinking, stunned because she had asked him if he wanted to open up.
She almost smiled, she almost looked amused by his misplaced humor to cover up his hurt.
"I saw you have some videos games, wanna play?" She asked instead.
He sat up, raising an eyebrow:
"You play video games? But… you're a girl." He said, blinking in disbelief.
"You think girls can't play video games? So cliché. Get your butt here, Mister Asshole, and let me beat your highest score." She said, pulling at his arm to force him towards the edge of the bed.
He stared at her as she prepared everything, looking at his video games and even letting him pick his best game with his best score. He never understood Kiku's kindness but he supposed kindness came in different forms. He was an asshole, and at the moment, he felt like shit… but he might have smiled, a little thankful, to another gesture of kindness from another girl.
I don't get these girls' kindness, seriously… He thought to himself.
[PS: she beat his higher score. Three times over.]
I'm not very satisfied with this chapter, the flashback took so much longer than I initially thought and it ended up ebing a big chapter. But I'm glad of what I've done with Makki.
I've stated writing the next arc and I think you'll like, considering what you've been expeceting to happen since starting to read this fanfiction will happen~! ;)
NEXT CHAPTER : WHEN THE LONELINESS IS GONE...
Yours Truly,
May