I am so sorry, you are so going to hate me at the end of this chapter.
Thank you to everyone who followed and favorited me! :D
ALSO IT WAS OIKAWA'S BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY! :D I AM SO TEMPTED TO START POSTING HIS FANFIC BUT I HAVE TO FIGHT IT OR IT'LL GET TOO MUCH! Oikawa's story s the final one, the very last one... So, I hope soon he'll have his fanfic here! ;)
Krisia : Poor Oikawa, I think that everyone took turns punching him for interrupting their kiss! XD *whispers for Iwaizumi* he's trying...!
Cooliceprincess : Oikawa didn't know, he's tyring his best supporting his friends and Iwa-chan is trying hisbest trying to get a fucking move on! XD
AnimeViolinist001 :If you find them so cute, I think you're going to love chapter 38! ;)
Houshikun001 : I don't think Iwa-chanis procrastinating, he's actually trying very hard to get with Kiku and confess but you have to consider stress, and nerves, and the interuption from some people and;.. well, also, read this chapter! ;)
starrat: I hope you'll like this chapter as well, even if it doesn't end on a note as light as the previous one! :)
GeminiRose : Kiku is so adorable, who can blame Iwaizumi for falling for her? ;)
deadlywhisper21: Well... I get what you're telling me but in the previous chapter, it wasn't Iwaizumi being oblivious, it was Oikawa and Tsubasa interrupting them from kissing and getting together. He actually tries very hard to confess and finally get his bloody kiss with Kiku. He'll have it soon.
pinkdoughtnuts : Believe me, Oikaw is the last one who would ruin Iwaizumi trying to kiss KIku. He's the reason why they "got" together mroe or less, it's because he pushed them together so, he's suffering just as much as all of us that they're being so SHY damn it! Aw, don't worry, Iwa-chan is not going to give up that eaisly and he'll keep trying to get his kiss and confession until it's done. Then, he'll sleep mroe easily.
DreamingInAnime24-7: You're new, aren't you? (sorry sometimes I get confused with all the people...) I'm glad you liked my fanfic and Kiku's story. I'm trying my best to write a good story that keeps people interested, and a story that's as realistic as possible, with important messages to share. I KNOW! The setting for a kiss and confession was perfect! If only Oikawa hadn't called!
FANFICTION
HAIKYUU! : QUIET VOICE
CHAPTER XXXVI : Haunting Fears
"An awakened man who is driven by his heart and soul, can touch the heart of a woman he loves, without touching her"
― Angie karan
"…And she loved a…boy very, very much– even more than she loved herself."
— Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree
"How can you love me,
when all that is terrible
exists within me?"
— Ranata Suzuki, Haiku Poem
"I'm only afraid of what I want."
— Veronica Roth, Divergent
"She was afraid to want things for herself. She didn't think she deserved them."
— Susan Choi, American Woman
"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance."
― John Lennon
"Part of me is afraid to get close to people because I'm afraid that they're going to leave."
— Marilyn Manson
"He really really really shouldn't have done that. Amazing how much more obvious that became one second after it was too late."
― Eliezer Yudkowsky, Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality
When Hajime arrived home, he didn't realize his father was calling him, too busy daydreaming in his memories of what happened not long ago. In his room, he fell face first into his pillow, his huge grin never leaving his face as he turned around and stared at his ceiling.
"I almost kissed her…" He murmured, almost stunned to think back on the magical moment, "I almost kissed her…!"
He started laughing, thinking back on every time Oikawa, Makki and the others made fun of his incompetence – not only he had almost kissed Kiku, but he had been that close to a confession with a sunset in the background! If only Oikawa hadn't called and interrupted him but as annoying as his friend was, Hajime was just too happy to hold onto his grudge.
"I almost kissed her! I almost kissed her!" He exclaimed, rolling around happily, still not quite believing this blessed moment, "I almost–"
"You almost kissed her."
Hajime screamed, jumping up and turning to his father who was leaning casually against the doorway, arms crossed and an amused smile on his face.
"D-dad! You… you heard…?" He started, blushing terribly at being caught.
"That you almost kissed her? Yes, pretty sure I heard," he answered.
Hajime looked around nervously before thinking back on everything he and his father had talked about when it came to Kiku.
"And… you're not telling me to stay away from Kiku?" He asked curiously, half-expecting his father to tell him to back off.
Takashi took a deep breath in, his shoulder lifting up before falling down again.
"I can't force you to stay away from your not-girlfriend, I warned you of the risks and if you want to date her and kiss her, then go ahead. I can't control your life, I can only guide you – that's my job as father." He said with a reassuring smile.
Hajime smiled, sighing in relief to know that even if he wasn't totally happy about him dating Kiku with her story, his father was still here for him.
"Talking about my job as father – your mother says dinner's ready and I have to come and get you at the table. So, get moving, Ace." He said, pointing over his shoulder in the general direction of the dining-room/kitchen.
Hajime got up, following his father who couldn't help but tease:
"So, almost kisser – what happened?" He asked with a grin.
"L-leave it!" Hajime exclaimed, blushing as he laughed at his embarrassment.
The following day, Hajime went for his run but ran for far longer and far further than he usually did to work on his stamina. Arriving at his goal, he took a moment to breathe, satisfied by his timing, and the simple fact he had run such a long distance by keeping the same pace. His legs were burning, though. Glad it was open, he pushed open the SPCA door, expecting to see Hayate – or better, Kiku at the entrance but there was no one. The doorbell had rung, announcing his arrival but despite waiting, no one came.
"Uh… Hello?" He called, knocking at the door for the animals.
He opened it but there was no one. The animals all looked up and became active when he showed up, they started hissing, meowing and barking, either out of happiness or fear of someone's sudden arrival. Hajime advanced forward, petting a few dogs and cats who seemed to be in need of love before going to the plexiglass cages.
"Hey, you," he greeted, leaning forward to see the bearded-dragon.
He was glad to see him, but also sad he hadn't been adopted yet and spending more and more time here. He had grown a little bit since he had last seen him. The bearded-dragon blinked up at Hajime and seemed to recognize him, moving his slow limbs forward, as if to say "Hey back".
"You grew up quite a bit since last time, didn't you? How you're doing, buddy? Not too lonely?" He asked, approaching his fingers to the cage.
"He'd definitely prefer to be in someone's home, but he's doing all right."
Startling, Hajime turned around, embarrassed to be caught cooing at the lizard by Hayate who smiled at him gently but raised an eyebrow:
"You know, you're not supposed to come in here alone. But I'll let you off the hook because you're Kiku's boyfriend."
"I-I'm not… we're not… a-and there was no one at the entrance and when I called… um… sorry…" He mumbled, glancing around nervously.
"Did you come to see Kiku or did you come to see the little buddy here?" Hayate asked, approaching the bearded-dragon's cage.
"I… was curious, about whether or not he had been adopted yet." Hajime answered before adding, "A little worried, I think, about how he was doing…"
"As you can see, he's still here. He's not doing well with people except a few exceptions. Actually, only with Kiku or I."
Hajime pouted, just as Hayate glanced at him then opened the cage to take the lizard out:
"Wanna hold him?" He asked.
But before Hajime could answer, he already had the bearded-dragon in his arms. The animal moved around a bit, before trying to climb on his shoulder. He looked around, straight at Hajime then settled in his arms carefully.
"U-um… I thought the only reason why he had appreciated me last time was because I had Kiku's scent on me…?" He asked hesitantly, a little scared of what the animal might do if he disliked people.
"Do you have Kiku's scent on you right now?" Hayate asked, raising a teasing eyebrow.
"N-no…"
"Of course not, it's a day off. Unless you spent the night in her bed, there's no way you'd have her scent on you." Hayate continued with a wink, knowing he was embarrassing the high-schooler.
Hajime blushed at the thoughts invading his mind after this suggestion but then Hayate just shrugged, pointing at the dragon:
"I guess you're just one of the lucky ones he doesn't dislike, then," he said casually, "Are you considering adopting him?"
"I-I don't know… I came expecting him to be adopted already, to be honest but… I couldn't keep him out of my mind. A-and… I never had a pet before, I wouldn't know how to take care of him…"
He probably has different needs than Oikawa. He thought to himself, pretty sure his friend was sneezing in his bedroom.
"Everyone has to start with a first pet. As long as you're well informed and doesn't neglect the animal, everything should be fine." Hayate said encouragingly.
"My parents…" Hajime added with a pout.
"Ah, parents are always troublesome… but it won't hurt to ask them, right?" Hayate continued.
"…You really want me to adopt him, don't you?" Hajime concluded, narrowing his eyes at him, absentmindedly caressing the bearded-dragon's side with his free hand.
"I want this little buddy to be happy in a good home. You seem like a good person who would take good care of him so, why not? A companion is always welcome and sometimes, it's not just the animal who ends up in good hands – the human taking him also ends up with a new and faithful friend."
Hajime looked down at the animal in his arms who was nestled against him, settled comfortably on his arm and enjoying his petting. Hayate smiled then spoke up again:
"I need to go fill some papers, put him back in his cage when you're done bonding." He said, already turning around.
Hajime spent some time with the bearded-dragon, thinking deeply about it. It was true he had imagined adopting him, but it was wishful thinking – his parents wouldn't agree with him suddenly having a pet lizard when his only experience taking care of an animal of some sort was capturing cicadas as a child to let them go, or Oikawa who was an alien in himself. And he was finishing his last year of high-school, he'd be busy, he hoped he'd start a new relationship with Kiku which meant spending more time with her, he had to prepare for the university and the National team…
"The human taking him also ends up with a new and faithful friend."
Thinking about university and friends, he suddenly realized that with Oikawa going to Tokyo, Hanamaki and Matsukawa doing their own things, he'd be alone for the first time. He didn't know what Kiku planned to do next year, but… there were chances she'd leave Miyagi Prefecture, depending on what she chose as a field of study.
He glanced down at the bearded-dragon who looked up at him, tilting his head on a side, almost hopefully.
"A faithful friend, uh…?" He murmured.
Lips thin, he put him back in his cage, the bearded-dragon looking at him with a sad hope, not quite understanding why he had been put back in the cage and why Hajime was walking away from him. Slowly, but away. It hurt his heart to have seen such a gaze from the poor animal… It was almost the same way Kiku had glanced at him sometimes: sad he'd leave or be less than she expected, but with the burning hope he would stay with her.
Hand on the door handle, he stopped, realizing that Kiku probably felt a lot like all of these animals. They had all been abandoned, some injured, by their previous owners or families and now… they were looking up at everyone coming in with the hope of a new home, of being cared for and loved. Just like Kiku. It was why she was helping out taking care of these animals – she had been through the same treatment and couldn't remain still at such misfortune.
For some time now, Hajime had wondered why, if their feelings for each other were so obvious, and if he kept forgetting about confessing, Kiku hadn't confessed herself. It usually was the girl confessing, anyway, so why didn't she try confessing to him even once? But like these hurt animals, she was wary and shy and she didn't dare hold onto the hope he'd get attached to her. Truly attached, that he'd care for her and he'd love her. Even if she seemed to be doing all right, even if she kept smiling, her ptsd couldn't be forgotten and she was… she was still haunted by her fears. The only way to make her realize how he really felt for her, was to confess. So that the unsaid feelings between them would finally be shared out in the open, so that their relationship would go to the next step and become official.
He glanced over his shoulder, in the direction of the bearded-dragon before looking down and lowering the door handle, leaving the animals behind but promising himself to come back.
"Uh, thank you…" He said awkwardly to Hayate.
He was at his desk and nodded, Hajime going straight for the door until Hayate coughed. He tapped on a little pile of booklets and fliers he had gathered for the high-schooler.
"Look it up a bit," he said, finally looking up.
Hajime took the fliers and booklets – it was all about first pets, lizard pets, etc.
"Thank you," he said.
"You know, it can help a lot to have a pet to look after. I know you have a pretty good and balanced life, from what Kiku told me… but it can really help someone feel better if they have a reason to get up in the morning – if a pet depends on them for their well-being, it gives a reason to live for their owner. Ever since Kiku has taken in Birb, then Pip and Kyuu, she's felt much better." Hayate explained with a little shrug, hoping Hajime would understand even more Kiku and her attachment to her companions.
Hajime paused, taking in the information then looking back at Hayate, a little stunned:
"You know. You know the truth about Kiku and… her story… don't you?" He asked hesitantly.
"I don't know as many details as her family, or you I suppose. But I know enough. It was a requirement to let her come help here, her parents insisted I knew enough to act according to the situation if she were to have a break-down or a panic attack here. Thankfully, she never had to face such a situation. I was always worried whenever she'd start crying when a new animal would arrive, injured or not, or when we had to send some to the needle… But she wasn't crying because of her own trauma reflected to these animals, she was crying because she's just that kind. Her empathy… is her greatest strength, but also her greatest weakness."
He paused, glancing over at where the animals were before continuing with a sad smile:
"She loves helping people or animals, she finds strength in doing so, but when she can't…"
"She hurts," Hajime concluded, lowering his gaze.
He nodded before grinning:
"But you know that already! Don't you?" He continued before lifting up his finger, as if he had something particularly interesting to add, "Out of all the people she could have fallen in love with, I think she fell in love with the most suited person to her!" He exclaimed with a wink, making the Ace blush, "You're balanced, serious, kind, you understand her and you're aware of her strengths and weaknesses. No one could take care of her better than you! So…"
Hayate glanced down at his papers, a little sadly for all the hurt Kiku had faced, then smiled once again at Hajime:
"Take good care of her, okay?"
Hajime's heart beat faster, warming his entire body. It was strange having someone entrusting Kiku to him. Kiku's safety and her heart. But he would gladly accept the job if it meant seeing her eyes smiling everyday of his life.
"Thank you," he said, nodding to Hayate with a smile.
He saluted him, military style as the Ace went back home. After a quick shower, he sat down, starting to read all the pamphlets, fliers and other documents Hayate had given him then he researched everything he might need as other information on the internet, checking what people thought of a bearded-dragon as a pet, watching some videos… He was almost convinced it was the perfect pet for him, if it weren't for two details: his parents, and money.
"Hajime," His mother called, knocking at his door, "You'll have to tell me what you want to do on your birthday."
He turned around on his chair, staring at her, then glancing at his calendar. He hadn't forgotten his birthday per say, but it was still a few days away and…
"Will your friends come here, will you go out…? How many should I prepare food for?" She continued, knowing that if she didn't ask her son now it'd go over his head eventually.
"U-um, I still… don't know, but I'll let you know in the week." He answered with a shrug.
She nodded, about to go out when he spoke up:
"Uh! Mom!" He called, making Umeko turn around curiously, "Out of curiosity did you and dad buy me a birthday gift yet or…?"
She was surprised he'd ask something like that – he hadn't openly ask for a present since he was a child and it was a battle every year for his birthday and for Christmas to find him a gift considering he always shrugged it off or said "whatever".
"Considering you didn't tell us what you want this year, no, we didn't yet. Is there anything you'd wish in particular?" She asked curiously.
Perhaps he wanted something special for his eighteenth birthday, he was almost an adult now, after all. Almost, he'd always be her big baby, though.
Hajime hesitated, feeling awkward to ask for such a thing… he glanced at his notes then back at his mother, shrugging.
"I… I'm not sure, just… don't buy anything until I told you what I want this year, okay?" He requested.
"That's better than the usual 'I don't know' – but if you haven't decided by next Thursday, I'll consider it's another 'I don't know' and we'll go buy whatever we want whether you like it or not!" She said with a shrug.
She was about to leave the bedroom when she noticed his computer screen. She blinked then approached, an amused smile on her face:
"Why are you watching lizard videos? It's rare for you to watch something other than your series or the volleyball videos Tooru sends you."
"Ah, um, just… curious… Kiku… told me stuff about… lizards and, y'know…"
"Kiku again, uh?" She teased, glancing down at him with a smirk.
He flushed and closed the tab, looking up at his mother sheepishly. He almost felt as bad as the time she had caught him watching Game of Thrones during a particularly hot scene. She didn't like that he watched something as violent and um, revealing as Game of Thrones but everyone was watching – he had to keep up with the others, uh? And he loved this sort of historical, fantasy and epic series.
As if reading his thoughts, she chuckled, rummaging his hair and making it even messier than usual:
"Calm your nerves, Hajime, it's not like I caught you watching porn – though, I don't know if I'd be pissed you'd watch such things or glad you're a normally functioning teenager." She continued casually.
"Geh… thanks, mom…" He mumbled, flushing again.
"Thank goodness you finally have a girlfriend, I was starting to worry, you know!" She continued, walking towards the door.
"Mom! And I don't have a girlfriend! Yet…" He exclaimed, still embarrassed.
His parents were as terrible as Oikawa, he never got any rest from anyone ever. She laughed, leaving him alone. A few minutes later, though, as worrying as it might for his mental sanity after dealing with his parents' teasing, he went to visit Oikawa. Umeko wasn't surprised to see him leave, these two would always spend their time together when they could.
"Hey, Oikawa," he greeted when he arrived in his friend's bedroom.
"Iwa-chan! I was about to call you to come over! I have something to show you!" Oikawa exclaimed as his friend sat next to him.
Without surprise, the Captain was watching volleyball videos, noting down everything he noticed about the video that might be interesting: new techniques, new tactics, moves from the players on both sides…
"Shouldn't you do your homework? Or spend some time with your girlfriend?" Iwaizumi asked.
"Homework done. And… I wanted a day for myself, focusing a bit on volleyball. Mari-chan understands." Oikawa answered.
Iwaizumi gave him a long stare. Oikawa spent everyday focusing on himself and volleyball. There was no way Marika would bear with it for much longer, just like all the others before.
"Anyway, I wanted to ask you something, about my birthday – did you buy any… birthday gift yet?" Iwaizumi asked curiously.
As surprised as Umeko had been previously, Oikawa blinked at his friend before shaking his head no.
"I had a few ideas, but… no? Not yet? Do you want something in particular? Ah! Let me guess!"
Before Hajime could protest, Tooru went away, looking for something hidden carefully in a few storage boxes then triumphantly throwing a little box to Iwaizumi. He caught it and frowned immediately, an annoyed vein popping at his forehead.
"Why?" He asked him, Oikawa sitting back at his side.
"Well! You're going to be with Kiku-chan soon~! It's important to stay safe! What better birthday gift than some lovey-dovey moment with your one and only~?" Oikawa hummed proudly, hands to the ceiling as if his choice of 'gift' was obvious.
"…No. I don't want condoms." He replied, pushing the box of condoms back in Oikawa's hands.
"Safety, Iwa-chan, safety! You don't want to be a father at eighteen, right?" He teased, pushing the box back towards Iwaizumi's chest.
"I'm not! What the! I don't need condoms from you! I have enough already and I'm not planning on having sex with Kiku for my birthday! What are you thinking, you perverted Assikawa?!"
"You have enough already? Then, you've been planning it anyway! You want to do it!"
"My father gave them to me some time ago! Just! Don't!"
"Just admit it, Iwa-chan~! You are lusting for Kiku-chan~!"
As they bickered, the box of condoms kept being pushed against one another until Iwaizumi got tired of this teasing and threw the box, full spike power, at Oikawa's head. It flew off, the condoms spilling all around his room as he dramatically fell on the floor.
"I am touched! I am dying!" Oikawa exclaimed, spread all over the floor as if wounded from a battle.
Iwaizumi just had time to roll his eyes that the door opened and Oikawa's mother looked suspiciously in the room.
"M-mom!" Tooru exclaimed, jumping and laying on the condoms but not only it was too late, but he couldn't hide them all.
"…I won't say a thing. Just… don't scream about condoms, it's… confusing." She muttered, closing the door after glancing at the two young men.
Tooru fell on the floor, feeling stupid and embarrassed. And he was trying so hard to keep his sexual life a secret from his parents…! Hajime laughed until he received the empty box on his head.
"A-anyway, back to business. You wanted to ask for your birthday gift. What do you want then?" Tooru asked a minute later, slowly gathering all the condoms back in the box.
"Yeah, I uh… I had an idea, but it's really expensive and I thought that I'd ask everyone some money for my birthday to pay it, instead of asking my parents for a few months of pocket money in advance." He explained sheepishly.
"That expensive, uh? You won't tell me what it is?"
"Not until I'm sure of it," he answered.
"Isn't it a little impersonal, though? Just money, nothing else?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
Hajime just shrugged it off and Tooru knew it wasn't the sort of things that mattered for him – as long as his friends had thought of his birthday, he was happy. He didn't need gift, but he was always smiling brightly when people offered him one.
"All right then, if it's birthday boy's wish," Oikawa concluded with a smile.
"Another thing, I contacted Kanemoto-san's boyfriend. Y'know, the fourth spiker?" Iwaizumi started, pulling out a paper from his pocket.
"Bokuto… something, right? I didn't know you were in touch…" Oikawa said, surprised.
"I had asked Kanemoto-san, and well, he seems like a good guy. I asked him about his team's practice and training, and his personal training regiment." He explained, giving the paper to Oikawa.
He read carefully the new training regiment he had thought of, a thoughtful pout appearing on his lips.
"Mmm… seems tough. I don't know if the rest of the team will keep up, though. The second-years, perhaps but the first-years… they still struggle to keep up with us when we have stamina and power-focused trainings."
"They don't have to do that much, but it'd be a good thing if as many of us as possible could follow such a training. I thought we could spice it up a little bit more for the summer training camp, though – all the while following everyone's level. I also made some personal training regiments for you and I – to prepare for the National team."
"Mmm… a training from a top five spiker, from a powerhouse of Tokyo…" Oikawa hummed, pensive.
"If that's the training from a powerhouse of Tokyo, then we need to get just as strong to win against Shiratorizawa and go to Nationals." Iwaizumi said with a determined voice.
Oikawa smirked, glancing over at his friend:
"The power to beat Ushiwaka and go to Nationals… preparing ourselves for the National team… Let's do this!" He exclaimed.
Iwaizumi nodded proudly, bumping their fists together before discussing for a while longer the details of the new training regiment for themselves, and the team.
"Are you going to confess to Kiku-chan tomorrow, considering there's no practice?" Oikawa asked suddenly.
Startled by the sudden change of topic, and to an embarrassing one at that…! Hajime startled and flushed, not quite knowing what to say.
"U-um, m-maybe… I don't know, I'll see how it goes…" He mumbled, looking away.
But it was true it was a perfect opportunity. No practice meant he had all the occasions to ask her to come with him somewhere peaceful where he could confess.
"Do you want me to ask Kindaichi to create a curtain of falling leaves – it'd be more romantic with flowers but the sakura season is over and there aren't that many trees with flowers at the moment around the high-school – ah, unless you want to confess somewhere else?! Somewhere more romantic than our boring school grounds?!"
"Leave Kindaichi, and everyone else including yourself, OUT of it, will you?" Iwaizumi mumbled, glaring at him, "Just… I'll go with the atmosphere of the moment… if you hadn't interrupted me yesterday, I would have confessed all right, it would have been perfect but you had to drag in your annoying-self at the worst time, seriously…" He hissed, glaring in front of him at some invisible point.
Oikawa stared at him with his fish face (as Iwaizumi liked to call his stupid, clueless expression), eyes wide and totally stunned. Understanding his mistake, Iwaizumi gasped, blushing and trying to cover his mouth.
"Ah…! Crap…" He mumbled, but it was too late.
"Y-you tried to confess to Kiku-chan?! And you didn't tell me?! You were with her?! When?! What happened– how?! YOU TRIED TO CONFESS TO KIKU-CHAN?!" Oikawa shouted, shaking his friend excitedly to know all the juicy details.
And that's why I didn't want to tell him yet… He thought to himself, but he ended up telling him everything he needed to know. At first, Hajime wanted to keep their almost-kiss to himself… but excitement took over him and he ended up telling his friend about it. Oikawa, obviously, was over the moon for him and he only encouraged him even more to confess the following day.
"She's ready for you to confess! She wants you to confess! Don't waste another opportunity like that! Go for it, Iwa-chan!" He exclaimed enthusiastically.
Hajime rubbed the back of his neck, cheeks burning. It sure would be stupid to not confess after trying to kiss her… but gods was it nerve-wracking.
The next Monday, Hajime stared at himself in the mirror, trying yet again to tie his dark red tie but no matter how much he'd try today it didn't want to collaborate. Or he was too nervous. He decided the tie didn't want to collaborate. He gave up on the seventh try and left it half-tied and mostly loose, catching his bag and going to school with the hope that despite his struggle with the tie he wouldn't be late and miss Kiku – he usually left right on time to cross paths with her. By accident, not that he was waiting for her on purpose or anything. Total accident.
As planned – accidentally planned, obviously – he arrived in the same time as her and he blessed Oikawa having overslept (accidentally planned as well, but Iwa-chan wasn't aware of it~) because now Hajime and Kiku were alone, calmly going to their classroom.
"T-there isn't any practice tonight," he started suddenly.
Oh fuck, here it goes, I'm asking her to go somewhere with me… He thought, the realization that this was happening hitting him more than the actual words.
"I know, like every Mondays, isn't it?" Kiku continued with an adorable smile, eyes sparkling beautifully.
Hajime was lost for a moment, staring at her then he shook his head to wake up and focus on his mission. He swallowed hard, blushing and praying it wouldn't be noticed.
"Do you… want… to spend time with me? Somewhere? After school? C-considering there's no practice I thought perhaps we could… hang out…" He continued, heart beating nervously as he waited for her answer.
"Oh…" She murmured, glancing down.
Oh no, please don't say you're busy, I won't have the courage to ask this again. Don't be busy, don't be busy, don't be busy…!
"Will… will the others be here…?" She asked hesitantly, not daring to meet his gaze but blushing.
Realizing she thought he had proposed a team hang-out, he quickly shook his head – too quickly because it felt forced and awkward:
"NO!" He exclaimed way too quickly and way too loudly from the way people glanced their way.
He blushed even more, Kiku glancing up at him shyly not making things any easier for his poor heart.
"I-I mean… unless… you… want them here but I thought it could be just… just the two of us…?" he asked in a low, hopeful voice.
Kiku stared up at him, breathless a moment when she met his intense green eyes. She almost felt dizzy and quickly glanced away, too embarrassed to keep staring into his eyes, but her sweet smile and blushed cheeks were enough to reassure Hajime.
"I-I'd love to…" She answered, making him sigh in relief.
He almost melted in a puddle of nerves right here and then but thankfully, Shinobu suddenly showed up and for once, he was glad she took Kiku's focus away from him. One more glance his way and he was dead, stricken down by her adorableness.
"It looks like things are going all right for the moment…~" Oikawa murmured from afar, hiding with Hanamaki and Matsukawa behind the corner of the hall.
The three ignored the way people glanced their way, wondering what three of the most popular boys of the high-school could possibly be doing…
"He looked like he was about to collapse, are you sure it's going to be all right?" Hanamaki asked, glancing at the setter.
"Sure it will! Probably… I hope…"
"Let's just trust our Ace. He can do it. I think." Mattsun said with a shrug.
They didn't realize that another group of people was staring from afar at the scene as well, but they didn't look quite as gleeful as the volleyball players.
At lunch, even if Oikawa, Matsukawa and Hanamaki mysteriously disappeared instead of joining Iwaizumi and Akiyama, they couldn't be left just the two of them alone when Shinobu suddenly tagged along, making the Ace grit his teeth. But one smile from his Kiku and he was all flowers and hearts once again. He was too happy at the perspective of spending the end of the afternoon with Kiku to be negative at the moment. But he'd also confess, and wait for her answer, making him anxious and his stomach all tight all over again before he'd remember that he didn't have to worry for anything. Things will go well. He hoped. Tight stomach again…
"Are you all right, Iwaizumi-san?" Kiku asked once they were back in their classroom, "You didn't eat much at lunch and you were quiet…"
"A-ah, uh, well just… don't feel like eating too much when I don't have practice," he answered sheepishly.
She didn't seem totally convinced by his lie but decided to trust him, nodding lightly. During their afternoon classes, he was unfocused, constantly glancing around, tapping with his foot or his pen against his notebook, his gaze wandering around. He glanced at her several times, enough for Kiku to notice – even if with the buzzing atmosphere around him, her attention was on him without his glances. Several times he ended up with a smile on his face for no reason, Kiku observing him curiously.
Then, she thought back on what he had asked her this morning: to see her after school, to spend time together… The last time they had been alone together, they had shared a magical moment. He had held her hand. Their eyes had said everything they needed to know. He had almost kissed her… All that was left was for both of them to say out loud what they already knew deep down in their hearts.
Suddenly nervous, but excited, but oh-so-nervous, Kiku was just as impatient for the boring classes to end, for their afternoon, to Hajime and her to start… To be alone with him and hopefully… hopefully…
A smile tugged at her lips, an adorable, shy smile she tried to keep down while still being in class. But her eyes were sparkling excitedly and her heart was beating impatiently.
When the bell rang, at long last, Hajime stood up first, excitedly, his energy almost bursting from his body. He had already put everything in his bag, turning towards Kiku with a smile:
"Akiya–"
"Akiyama-san!"
They both looked up at Muraki, one of their classmates, approaching the girl's desk:
"Could you help me out with the papers we have to give back to the teachers? It's too heavy for me on my own…" She started, glancing sheepishly at the pile of papers on the desk.
Kiku wanted to tell her that there were plenty of other classmates she could ask to, but she didn't dare say it, pouting lightly. Iwaizumi didn't have that much heart and frowned at Muraki, annoyed people kept getting in the way:
"Can't you ask someone else? We have to go somewhere." He mumbled.
Muraki blinked at him, surprised by his tone. He rarely expressed his annoyance towards anyone else but Oikawa, or his friends in general. Tension sparkled and Kiku glanced between the two, before swallowing and standing up:
"I-it's fine, I'm going to help you out, Muraki-san. It won't take much time and I'll meet you at the gymnasium, Iwaizumi-san." She said with a smile.
He didn't seem very satisfied but nodded then left to wait for her. Always helpful, Kiku helped Muraki bring the papers to the teachers' room, both smiling and chatting very lightly even if Kiku stumbled over her words and was too shy – Muraki had never talked to her until now, it was unnerving…
"You seem pretty close with Iwaizumi-san, is this since you became the volleyball team's manager?" She asked with a smile as they returned to their classroom for their bags.
"U-um, I-I d-don't know…"
"How lucky you are~ So many of us wanted to be their manager, but it was impossible… It must be nice, spending all your time with them… you must be all very good friends, right~?"
"E-everyone is… v-very nice…" Kiku nodded.
They entered their classroom, Muraki stopping next to Kiku with a smile, hands in her back:
"But Iwaizumi-san seems to like you very much, in particular. You spend more time with him than with anyone else on the team, don't you?"
"I-I suppose… but w-we're classmates… that's why…" She answered shyly.
Muraki's smile dropped and her eyes narrowed dangerously at Kiku. She immediately tensed, recognizing this gaze. A threatening gaze.
"Cut the crap, Akiyama. You think we wouldn't notice? That you're all over Iwaizumi-san?"
"I-I d-don't see… what…"
"Just stop it! It's obvious! Everyone can see that you're head over heels for him! Now, I don't care what sort of pretty illusions and fairytale you got stuck in your head but stop dreaming. He's not for you. He deserves better than a fucked up psycho who is so crazy she needed a year at the hospital! And let's be realistic, there's no way Iwaizumi-san could like someone like you!"
Muraki stepped towards Kiku, forcing her to back away against her desk, holding onto it, as she pointed a finger at the blue-eyed girl:
"You're not good enough for him! He deserves better, you'd only stain and shame him! So, do something for everyone's sake, even if you can't help being his classmate and his manager, stay away from Iwaizumi-san, got it? Stop hanging out with him and let him be free, he doesn't need to put up with someone like you. He's just too nice to break your heart, but you'd only be a burden for him! Understood?"
Kiku lowered her gaze, Muraki took it as a "yes" and huffed, turning around, grabbing her bag then leaving the classroom.
Kiku remained motionless for a long moment, her expression hidden by her hair. Then, slowly, she let go of her desk and took her bag, leaving the classroom and slowly walking down to exit the building and join…
Should she join Iwaizumi-san? Muraki didn't want her to approach him, but…
Kiku's steps slowed down until she came to a stop, at the side of the main building, in the park side of the high-school grounds. It was the way she usually took for the gymnasium. Where Iwaizumi waited for her. She could imagine him walking around impatiently, an excited smile on his face. Just like he had been this afternoon. She had been so eager as well. Her stomach had been fluttering with butterflies at the idea of what he'd say, what he'd do… but now, her stomach was tight in fear and worry.
She glanced up and saw her own reflection in the windows of the first floor.
"He deserves better."
Kiku knew Hajime deserved better. She knew it better than anyone, that was why she had spent over two years praying for his happiness, no matter who he'd come to be with. He was so kind and good-hearted, so confident and strong, how could people not like him? But her… she was his total opposite. People disliked her, ran away from her, mocked her… She didn't have her place at his side, or anywhere near him for that matter. Even just as friends, people disliked the relationship between her and Hajime.
I'm too ugly, too fat, too hideous for him to like me… Muraki is right, I blinded myself with illusions. He would never like me. I'm too messed up for that. He deserves better. Someone pretty and kind and who deserves to be by his side. Someone who wouldn't burden him…
"You'd only be a burden for him!"
Even if deep down, in her heart, she knew that Muraki had said all that out of jealousy and pettiness, Kiku couldn't help the tiny voice in the back of her mind saying what if… What if he was nice with her because it was in his nature, not because he liked her particularly? What if he was smiling at her because she was a good friend and nothing else? What if he put up with her because he pitied her? What if…?
No matter how hard she tried, people always rejected her, people never loved her. He wouldn't be the first one to walk away from her life and leave her alone. Why would she be surprised by it? It was kind enough from him to bear with her.
Kiku wanted to hold onto the good memories, the shared gazes, the silent conversations, the gleaming eyes… his hand holding hers… his lips approaching hers… but the stinging words kept haunting her, bringing back all the bad memories.
"There's no way Iwaizumi-san could like someone like you!"
"That's why no one loves you and why everyone will always leave you!"
"Kik– erh, Akiyama! San!"
Suddenly hearing his voice, Kiku looked up, thunderstruck to see Iwaizumi running to her with a huge smile, her heart missing a beat. Arrived next to her, his smile didn't waver, and he rubbed the back of his neck, flushing adorably:
"I got too impatient, I couldn't wait anymore so I came to meet you! Are you done helping Muraki? Can we go?" He asked with an excited chuckle.
Kiku stared at him, stunned by his mere presence. He seemed so happy she couldn't help but let her lips tilt upwards… but it was so tiny, and her gaze was so doubtful and sad that Hajime noticed it. He blinked, suddenly worried:
"Is everything all right? Did something happen?" He asked, voice tight.
He leaned forward to see Kiku's expression but she forced a smile on her face, shaking her head lightly:
"N-no, I'm fine, everything is fine," she said, obviously hiding the truth.
He wasn't fooled, he could tell something had happened. Her smile didn't reach her eyes. Her eyes didn't find him.
"Every time you say "I'm fine" it means that you're not. Is something the matter?" He asked softly.
To encourage her to open up to him, to trust him, he took her hand gently. He barely brushed her fingers, startling her a little but she didn't pull away so he entwined his fingers with hers.
"You know you can talk to me if you need to…" He continued, brows furrowed.
Kiku took a shaky breath then shook her head, smiling but her eyes were down.
"I'm all right, I promise. It's… it's just… everything is just so overwhelming…!" She said with a chuckle.
It was overwhelming – his warmth spreading to her through the touch of his hand. His body so close to hers. His soft gaze feeling like she was safe and sound. The way he managed to make her heart beat so much stronger, so much livelier than a moment ago. Kiku looked up at Hajime, eyes a little teary from how overwhelmed she felt. Muraki and whoever else be forgotten – he made her happy, he made her feel alive and loved. All with just one gaze and a tender touch.
Hajime felt it as well, the moment Kiku stopped holding back from him and looked up at him, for the first time since he had left her in the classroom, with her heart wide open for him to take. Feeling the same magical atmosphere as the other day, he knew that their eyes said everything. He smiled giddily and moved towards her. She didn't pull away so he leaned down, their eyes never wavering, knowing what was coming and accepting it all. Kiku closed her eyes, tilting her head upwards and he smiled, letting his free hand brush her cheek. Her skin was soft and warm and he closed his eyes. Both were smiling, hearts impatient to feel one another through their kiss.
"That's why no one loves you and why everyone will always leave you!"
Kiku's smile disappeared. Her fingers in Hajime's trembled. His lips were about to brush against hers when she suddenly pulled away.
Shocked by her sudden move, Hajime stopped, watching her hesitantly, his hand dropping from her cheek, not quite knowing what to do. He stared at the girl, not understanding what just happened. Everything was going fine, they were having a moment, they were about to kiss…
"S-sorry… I-I'm sorry…" She whispered, avoiding his gaze.
"Did… did I do something wrong…?" He asked in a low voice, worried he might have gone too far, too fast.
Kiku looked back at him, tears in her eyes and lips trembling. Her eyes lit by love, softness and trust a moment ago, was now shattered with fears and sadness.
Hajime's heart missed a beat and he swallowed hard, hating to see such a look on her face. He just wanted her to smile and keep smiling and laugh and smile more… Why… what had happened…?
"I-I'm sorry… I… I'm not good enough for you… I'm sorry…!" Kiku breathed, heart shattering.
She pulled her hand away from his and turned around, running away. Her sudden move almost made him lose his balance and he felt dizzy by the sudden turn of events. What… what did she just say…? What did he do…?
"W-wait…! Ki-Kiku!" He called, trying to go after her to explain, to apologize, to try to understand…!
He ran after her, trying to find what might have gone wrong. Did he touch her in a way that she disliked? Did he remind her of something bad? He had tried to be gentle and to wait for her to trust him a-and she had been waiting for his kiss, he hadn't imagined it, right?!
What an idiot…! What an idiot…! Confess first, kiss after! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Of course you'd scare her away if you suddenly try kissing her! He thought, angry at himself.
But by the time he reached the entrance, Kiku was gone already, her bicycle taking her away faster than his legs.
He was about to run after her anyway, go all the way to the bakery to explain himself, to confess once and for all so she could understand he wanted her but… he froze, unable to take a step forward.
"I'm not good enough for you…" She had said.
What did you mean? What did I do to let you think that…? He thought, biting down on his lower lip.
Heart a mess, fists tight, he remained frozen on spot.
Damn it…! What should I do…?!
*goes into hiding next to Oikawa who received such annoyed hatred because of last chapter* *guys like us have to stick togehter to survive after all*
*whispers* There are kisses next chapter, if it can make it up to the end of this chapter...?
*prays*
NEXT CHAPTER : PROMISE OF HAPPINESS (not just for Kijime, but all of you, right? ;D)
Yours Truly,
May