Chapter 2- Rachel Lurie

May 12th, 2001
1:17 PM

She wasn't moving, barely thinking. She had to have her mom throw out the tomato soup she had made because just the sight of it had made her throw up. Red was now a hated color. She couldn't stand looking at it. It had reminded her of the blood she had caught site of as she made her way out of the school eleven days earlier.

Rachel wrapped her arms loosely around her legs, staring straight ahead at the wall opposite her. She could still hear a few press outside of the house, trying to convince her parents to let them talk to her. They wanted to know all the details about Calvin—her former best friend. How she felt having been in the library as the boy killed their classmates.

Honestly, she didn't know how she felt. There was that part of her that felt absolutely disgusted at having been Calvin's friend, the friend of a murderer. Yet there was also that part that felt… sorry for him. She should have seen the true him. She had been closest to him—besides Andre—hadn't she?

The girl had mixed feelings about that. On one hand, she liked to think she had been, but on the other she still felt that horror inside of her.

Disappointment wasn't something in which she was lacking in. Disappointment in Calvin, but mostly disappointment in herself. Rachel couldn't believe she hadn't seen signs. Calvin had even told her, but she had passed it off like a joke.

She had always told herself that if one of her friends ever felt like that, she would recognize it for what it was. Except her friend had told her outright and she hadn't seen it for what it was. Depression. A cry for help maybe?

Except… Calvin had never seemed unhappy. He was always happy, especially around Andre. Maybe he never was crying for help. Maybe he really had wanted to do what he had done.

Rachel closed her eyes, feeling them water. She wouldn't cry, she knew that. She had cried so much over the last two weeks that her tear ducts didn't produce enough tears for herself to actually cry. Rachel almost wished she could though—the only time she had gotten any sleep since then was when she had cried herself into exhaustion.

A knock came at her door and she took in a breath, running her hand through her tangled brown hair. "Come in." She called out softly, the door opening. Rachel tried to smile as Brian walked in, but instead it came out more like a grimace. "Y-you're the first one to come visit me… I didn't think anybody was going to."

Brian frowned and closed the door before taking a seat on the bed next to her. Rachel scooted over a bit to make room for him, leaning into him as he wrapped an arm around her. "I think nobody… we just don't know what to say."

Her brown eyes fell shut again. "Me neither." Biting down on her lip, she held in a small sob. "I don't know what to think, what to say… the press are bombarding my parents and siblings every time they walk out the door. I haven't left my room in nearly two weeks, I can't hold solid food down…"

Brian squeezed her arm a bit, pulling her closer and resting his head on hers. "This… people don't get that this is going to be hard on you two. Just as hard as it is for the victim's families and for their… their parents." Rachel took in a shaky breath. "Calvin was your friend. I met him and he seemed really nice—a bit shy, but nice. Nobody thinks someone is going to do something like that, you can't blame yourself, Rach."

Rachel wiped at her cheek, feeling a small tear start to spill over, although it didn't make it very far. "But I was Calvin's friend for five years. I knew him even before he knew Andre. How can someone not notice that their friend has problems like that? No, I even asked him and he told me… I teased him about having some hidden evil and you know what he said, Brian?"

The boy frowned, shaking his head, deciding to just let her speak.

"He said that he did and that he locked it away so that nobody would see it… he told me and I thought he was just joking; going along with my teasing, but he wasn't." She opened her eyes, looking over at him. "How could I not see it for what it was?"

"Who could see that?" Brian asked, lightly running his fingers through her hair, trying to comfort her. "Nobody is going to see something like that. Calvin must have been hiding his feelings for a really long time. He was probably a really good liar. You wouldn't see it if he didn't want you to, and he didn't want you to see it. I do know one thing though."

Rachel glanced over at him. "Yeah? And what's that?"

"That he wouldn't want you to blame yourself." Rachel gave a small laugh. "No really. Even though he did… that, I could tell he cared about you. You really were his friend, not just a cover for one. I don't think he'd want you to blame yourself. People would kill me for saying this… but if it helps you then I don't care. Try remembering Calvin as the Calvin you knew, not for the Calvin that is spread all through the newspapers and on TV, okay?"

Rachel looked down at her hands. "I don't know if I can do that though… I was, Brian. You weren't. You didn't hear the things he said. The way he taunted them, and I want to talk about it but I'm scared."

"I'll listen…" He told her softly, arm tightening around her slightly.

"It was horrible. He was laughing at their fear and their pain. He screamed at a girl asking if she was d-dead yet. Th-the girl ended up dying." Rachel clenched her eyes shut, the screams echoing through her mind. "'Jesus, look at all the blood' he said. He sounded so awed. It makes me feel sick. He even told one of the guys to look at some girl—she was probably dead."

Rachel took in a shuddering breath. "I'm just.. I'm thankful for that guy with me. He nearly carried me trying to get us out. If he hadn't I probably would've been there when they…"

"Shh… Rachel, you can stop now, you can stop." Brian pulled her into a tight, the girl shaking in his arms. "I know it's difficult, but try putting it out of your mind. No good will come of continuing to think of it."

The brunette nodded against his shoulder before pulling back. "Thank you for coming to see me, Brian. I really… I needed the company."

Brian gave her a small smile. "You know, if I wasn't gay, I would totally date you."

Rachel gave a watery laugh, wiping at her face. "Great, a gay guy likes me." Both of them laughed, but they both knew it would be awhile before either of them—especially Rachel—would be laughing completely again.