Here is the new chapter! Thank you to everyone for your support! :D
WARNING : this chapter contents mentions of depression and suicide attempts.
loveLy : The fluffy will only geet fluffier! ;)
starrat : I hope you'll like this chapter as well! :D
geeksdarling : They ARE getting there, don't worry~! ;) Ahah, yes, I'm also the author of Sowlmates - you're reading it? Or you finished reading it? That's why Ayaka appeared in QV. And there'll be two more fanfictions crossing each other's stories! ;) (technically there's a 5th one but I kinda abandoned it)
Krisia : Hajime isn't smooth on purpose, only when he's honest. If he were tyring to actually flirt he'd end up biting on his own tongue. When the sexy times willcome, he'll try a few times to seduce and turn on Kiku, but it's so... not going to work... until she takes matters in her own hands, at least. x)
bookdragonslayer : If you love confessions you're going to love this chapter. And the next~! ;)
pinkdoughtnuts: On the cheek, but well, a kiss is a kiss~! You're going to love next chapter! :D
Aquafin : I hope this chapter is up to your expectations! :D
forevertrash97 : You're going to get even more of what you want! ;) Goodness, thank you so much for you kind review! It warms up my heart! :D When I first watched Haikyuu I HATED Oikawa so badly - I don't usually appreciate the showy type of guys, and I find the popular characters SO boring and cliché but hen... we had his background story and... fuck, not only I fell in love with his character, but I also realized that, beside the whole popular part, I'm exactly like him. As a writer, I crave for interesting, deep characters and Oikawa is absolutley perfect - writing him is almost orgasmic, if I may use this word. XD I am so proud to have inspired you to write again, and of course, I'd love reading some of your works! Tell me when you'll publish a haikyuu fanfic, I'm always craving for more! ;)
deadlywhisper21: All right, so I listened tot he song you advised me and it immediately got downloaded and joined my Kijime playlist. It fits these two PERFECTLY and after this chapter, you'll realize it fits EVEN MORE! :D Kiku's character development is slow, but it's happening and I'm proud of my girl! :D
AnimeViolinist001: There might be an overload of fluff at some point, I'm warning you! ;)
FANFICTION
HAIKYUU! : QUIET VOICE
CHAPTER XXXVIII : Quiet Love
"Have you ever had to get through a day, smiling at people, talking, as if everything were normal and okay, while all the time you felt like you were carrying a leaden weight of unhappiness inside you?"
— Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
"Silence is always beautiful, and a silent person is always more beautiful than one who talks."
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Adolescent
"Being alone never felt right. Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right."
— Charles Bukowski
"The strongest of men have the softest of hearts."
— Patrick Ryan McEveety
"I'm still a bit of a romantic and an idealist and hopelessly naive."
— Brit Marling
"You make me want to live…Not survive; not exist. Live."
— Sarah J. Maas, Queen of Shadows
"To die is nothing; but it is terrible not to live."
— Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
"Happiness is within you… so unlock the chains from your heart and let yourself grow— like the sweet flower you are. I know the answer— just spread your wings and set yourself free."
— Jimi Hendrix
"Working on myself, by myself, for myself."
— Anonymous
"It is a bad thing to have love and nowhere to put it."
— Kate DiCamillo, The Magician's Elephant
"Almost. It's a big word for me. I feel it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost changed. Almost, but not quite… Soon, maybe."
— Joan Bauer, Almost Home
"Life has a funny way of working out just when you start to believe it never will."
— Anonymous
"One day, I plan to love so loudly, my body abandons every demon harvesting me."
— Arati Warrier, "Alive"
"The most amazing was when she appeared in his dreams saying all the beautiful things to him that she refused to speak during the day."
— Anonymous
"The way people come into your life when you need them, it's wonderful and it happens in so many ways. It's like having an angel. Somebody comes along and helps you get right."
— Stevie Ray Vaughan
"One word, one move, one gesture is all it takes to change a life, a world and a mere existence!"
— Alizey Ibrahim
Two years ago, at the entrance ceremony of Aoba Jousai high-school…
"Stay here and wait for me to enter the gates before continuing your way. I don't want to be seen with you at all." Hanamaki had ordered her.
I am SO going to put chilli pepper into your weekly creampuffs, stupid. Kiku thought, staring at her feet as she waited for him to be far away enough so she could enter this stupid high-school.
She looked up and saw many students wearing the same uniform as her, lavender and dark-red and white. It was strangely good-looking – but it didn't suit her, despite what her parents had said. No one was glancing her way even if a high-school girl leaning against a wall instead of walking towards the gates was an unusual view. Perhaps they thought she was waiting for someone.
Who am I kidding? They just don't see me.
Hanamaki was out of view so she was free to enter the high-school but she didn't move an inch, looking down once again at her feet.
I don't want to go… She thought, not feeling her heart beat against her chest even though she knew that technically it was pulsing blood through her body and keeping her alive. Despite what she'd wish.
She would probably be rejected by people once again, they'll stay as far away as physically possible from the ugly, weird girl who spent so much time in the hospital she was a year older than the rest of them… The psychologically strange one, the retarded one. If they were to approach her, they'd be tainted.
Stupid, stupid, stupid… I shouldn't have gone to a public high-school at all. I should have gone to Yuuna's like she proposed. Or even home-schooling.
She had looked it up but her foster family had been so pleased at the idea she'd enter a high-school where her uncle, Irihata Nobuteru, was part of the school faculty. The coach of the volleyball team. He had even proposed to her to be the team's manager – they didn't have one yet and he'd rather have a girl he could trust than one of these fangirls. Or, the truth behind these kind words: he wanted to keep an eye on her every single day.
Thank you, but no thank you. I won't look after a bunch of stinky teenagers who will be the first ones to bully me. And Hanamaki will be there, it'll be awful.
"Come on, Iwa-chan! Smile a little more! We're in high-school now! Rejoice~!"
Who still gets called -chan upon entering high-school? He must be some ridiculous midget… She thought ironically, smirking at the thought.
She looked up just at the two young men walked by her, her eyes widening and lips falling open. Iwa-chan was not a ridiculous midget… Both were taller than average, and very handsome and well built. One seemed grumpier than the other – probably the Iwa-chan who didn't smile enough.
"It's just the same as middle-school, overall…" He answered with a shrug.
"No, it's not! It's totally different! It's a new beginning!"
His friend continued in a long and passionate speech about what it meant to be high-schooler and enjoy his youth.
Kiku watched them walk away then thought back on what he had said. A new beginning. That was why she had decided to enter high-school, despite her hesitations. To try new things, try to get friends… Try to feel human. Perhaps someone will even get attached to her – but that was a whole new other level she was not yet ready to consider even believable.
Wind brought down sakura petals from the surrounding trees, following the two young boys. And Kiku who pushed herself off the wall and started walking a few meters behind them, joining the waves of students entering Aoba Jousai high-school.
As they entered, senpais from various clubs started calling out, giving fliers and trying to scout as many new members as possible.
"Join the cheerleading club~! Encourage our teams for their competitions!" Some pretty girl exclaimed.
Kiku glanced at her, meeting her eyes. The girl smiled to her gently but turned away, probably thinking this shy-looking, slightly overweight girl wasn't able to do anything close to cheerleading. Kiku didn't even have time to get a flier, and too awkward to go back to the girl or the stand for the cheerleading club, she continued her way. She stop listening to what people were screaming, most weren't even noticing her, their gazes going over. She went to the list of classes and frowned when she saw that she was in the same as Hanamaki – she was willing to bet that her parents had asked Irihata to put in a word, so she'd be with someone she already knew. Not that it mattered anyway considering she had to pretend she never met him before. She turned around with a sigh, wanting to go directly to her class even if there wouldn't be many people but she had nothing better to do at the moment. Perhaps there would be some shy, lost people there already and she could muster her courage to start a conversation and they wouldn't freak out about her yet.
Looking down, she bumped into someone who wasn't looking where he was going either and she immediately stopped, looking up:
"S-sorry!" She exclaimed.
"My bad!" He answered, lifting up one hand in apology.
She realized it was the grumpy guy from before. He looked down at her, blinking quickly. She blushed and looked down, trying to hurry away from him. She had not made three steps that he tapped her shoulder, making her startle. With her long and curly hair that reached her lower back, he couldn't see her expression but spoke up anyway:
"Oi, you've got sakura petals in your hair."
He sounded just as grumpy as he looked and, even if he was already looking away and continuing his way, Kiku looked up and over her shoulder. He had talked to her. He hadn't avoided her…
Right, most people don't know me here… they don't know about my past, they can't judge me for that… She realized.
"It looked weird…" He mumbled, frowning to himself as he continued his way to check his classroom.
Kiku continued her way, clutching her bag against her chest, hearing some happy-go-lucky voice covering everyone else's:
"Iwa-chan! We're in the same class this year!"
"And so what?" Grumpy Iwa-chan asked, making him whine in return.
She didn't look their way, her steps quickly taking her into the main building. She stopped at the top of the stairs, shaking her hair before entering the building, many petals falling down at her feet. She could only imagine how weird it had looked. She was checking the length of her hair, using it as an opportunity to hide her face as she made her way through the building.
She entered it shyly, but as expected… there wasn't anyone yet. She put her bag on a desk, near a window and looked down at the crowds. There must be at least one person down there who could bear with her for a little bit… right?
The entrance ceremony was as boring as expected, Kiku had to fight against more sakura petals in her hair, then the first days of high-school started. Even if she wasn't totally lost, it was still a different rhythm than middle-school. She had miraculously talked with a few girls from her classroom and even if they weren't 'friends', it was reassuring to have someone to talk to in-between classes.
A few days after school activities had started, she finally found the courage to go in the gymnasium where the cheerleading team was practicing.
"You? You want to do cheerleading?" The third-year Captain asked her, blinking in disbelief.
She looked Kiku up and down. She could feel the judgment in her eyes: she was not fit enough to join the cheerleading team. And she definitely didn't stand out enough to encourage anyone… Kiku's shoulders went down as she sheepishly tried to explain herself:
"I… I d-did gymnastics… and p-parti-participated in the neighborhood's cheerleading club…" She whispered.
"Eh? I can't hear you, speak louder if you want to be a cheerleader! You did gymnastics, then?" The Captain asked, tilting her head on a side.
You heard perfectly well, then, Kiku thought bitterly. But she kept her lips thin, nodding with her eyes focused on the floor.
"Warm-up and show us what you can do…" She sighed, as if tired at the idea of bearing this girl.
Kiku did as ordered, most glancing at her surprised that she wasn't out of breath after some running. Then, she showed everything she could do. She noticed some impressed looks but they didn't stop glancing at each other awkwardly. The captain seemed to not know what to do…
"You've got skills but…"
She pouted, looking at Kiku's body. She clenched her hands tightly, knowing that they would refuse her but just at this moment, the coach arrived and noticed her immediately, recognizing the girl.
"Oh, you must be Akiyama Kiku! I heard from your uncle that you would come to join the team! You are welcome here, Akiyama-san!" She exclaimed with a smile.
Kiku glanced up hesitantly at the Captain who didn't know where to hide. She couldn't refuse her joining the club if the coach had accepted her already.
"W-well… I guess we do need someone for the stunts so…"
"T-thank y-you… I-I'm looking forw–"
"Then, let's go back to practice!"
"Ooss!"
Kiku stared at the cheerleading team as they turned around and walked away, not even letting her introduce herself properly… but at least, she was on the team and she could do what she liked: cheerleading.
When she exited the gymnasium at the end of practice, sweaty and tired, most clubs were ending their own clubs as well. She walked towards the gymnasium where the volleyball club practiced, shyly entering the place. It wasn't the first time she was coming here, but it was the first time she was coming to watch the end of their practice since entering high-school – she had been too embarrassed to come before. She remained hidden behind the wall, in the doorway, watching from afar as they put away the balls and were starting to warm-up.
Hanamaki who was gathering some balls not far away noticed her and immediately made a face. He pouted, and as soon as they had made eye-contact, he waved his hand disdainfully, as if shooing her. She frowned back, about to stick out her tongue at him when someone suddenly appeared at his side:
"Who is this, Hanamaki?"
The wing-spiker startled as the happy-go-lucky guy from the first day was at his side:
"AH, Oikawa… just… one of your fans. I'm telling her to go, y'know…" He mumbled an excuse.
"Oooh~ Nice to meet you~!" Oikawa exclaimed, waving at her from afar.
"Oi! Oikawa! Hanamaki! What are you doing?!" Mizoguchi scolded, suddenly at their side, "Leave the coach's niece alone!"
"The coach's niece?" Oikawa repeated curiously while Hanamaki walked away discreetly, leaving him to deal with it on his own.
He glanced back at Kiku but she hid behind the wall completely, ignoring his confusion. He tilted his head on a side, about to make a few steps to talk to her – always nice meeting new people and especially the coach's niece – when he received a ball in his back.
"AGH!"
"Help us out, will you?!" Iwaizumi exclaimed, pushing a cart of volley balls.
"You're so mean, Iwa-chan…" He whined, taking the ball back and running after him.
Kiku slowly exited her hiding place and, once she was sure all the boys were distracted by their stretching and chatting, she advanced to the bench where her uncle was.
"Oh, Kiku. Nice finally seeing you here." He greeted, tapping the bench next to him.
She sat down, glancing over at the team. Her eyes found Iwa-chan's figure. But that might be because he was barking at Oikawa who didn't seem impressed.
"You joined the cheerleading club?"
Kiku nodded without a word.
"Are they nice to you?" He continued, glancing quickly at her.
Without her gaze breaking from the boys stretching, she nodded with a smile on her face – it was big enough for her uncle not to notice how fake it really was.
"They're very nice."
"Good, then."
"A-and… y-your new t-team…? Any… good member…?" She asked curiously, glancing once again in the vague direction of Iwa-chan.
She hadn't expected him and his friend to join the volleyball club. If they became friends with Hanamaki, she might run into them in the neighborhood.
"Yeah, we've got quite a few good players. Two are from Kitagawa Daichi. Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime, setter and wing-spiker. They are working very well together, but that was to be expected considering they played together since they were children."
Now that she heard the names, she remembered having overheard a conversation between Nobuteru and her mother: they were discussing the team members from Kitagawa Daichi, a middle-school affiliated to Aoba Jousai, they had sent recommendation letters to. Back then, she hadn't cared much and had stopped listening half-way through it.
"Oikawa has received the prize of best setter last year. He's got a powerful jump-serve, he's a good new member to our team." Irihata said with a satisfied smile.
"A-and the other one…? Iwaizumi… san?" She asked shyly.
Her uncle finally glanced at her, and noticed her gaze staring at the two intensely. At one in particular, in reality.
"He's a skillful spiker, and he's got power. He'll probably be the Ace once his senpais have retired."
She nodded, not saying anything else and she forced her eyes to look down at her school skirt. Then, she got up, about to salute her uncle and Mizoguchi to leave.
"I'll drive you back home, wait for me outside," Irihata said.
She hesitated but nodded, not wanting to discuss. She'll walk to school tomorrow, instead of taking her bicycle. She'll get it back after school the following day. She waited for a few minutes in the mid-darkness, behind a wall, unseen from people. Not that there were many who walked by. Silent and unseen, like a ghost. It would be amusing suddenly appearing at people's sides to scare them.
"Aaaah…! I'm famished!"
She recognized Hanamaki's voice and listened more closely, glancing to her left as a group of first-years appeared.
"I'm stinking, I mostly want a shower at the moment…" Iwaizumi complained, already pulling at his shirt to get some air from the spring heat.
"Don't strip here, Iwa-chan~!"
"I'm not!"
Kiku quickly looked away as they walked right past her, not noticing she was standing here. She followed them with her gaze, her long hair keeping her safe from the outside world.
A few days later…
"Did you know? She went to the hospital for psychological treatment! I heard she's so mad, she tried to kill someone!"
"What, it's scary! I'll never approach her again!"
"I don't want her to try to kill me!"
Kiku didn't react to these words she kept hearing as she walked by, keeping her bag safe against her chest and her hair falling around. A few people did know her from middle-school, after all. And they had been quick to spread the same false rumors as back in middle-school but because it was high-school, everything was bigger. Even the weight of the rumors.
I tried to kill someone now…? She thought to herself, putting her chin on the palm of her hand.
Her mind wandered to the one time she had wished to kill someone. But this someone had tried killing her instead. She still bore the marks to this day. The mere thought of that night was enough to make the scars in her back sting.
The following days, being at school, studying, going to club, being ignored by people… it became the same thing everyday. A chore. It was harder and harder everyday getting up in the morning, getting dressed in this hideously colored uniform, walking or riding her bike to high-school…
There was one moment of the day she enjoyed a little bit. Or rather than enjoy, it was simply that it wasn't quite as boring as the rest of the day: Oikawa, Iwaizumi and Matsukawa, another first-year of the volleyball club, coming to get Hanamaki. Sometimes they went to the cafeteria, followed by sighs and squeals from girls. Sometimes they took their bentos and went outside. Sometimes, her favorite option, they remained in the classroom to eat together. The classroom seemed livelier, brighter, everyone was glancing at them with smiles, listening to their laughter.
Kiku loved their presence in the classroom because even if she was at the other side and all alone and pretending to listen to her music, she almost felt included in their loud and happy conversations. Almost…
One day, she was leaving her bicycle, making sure it was put to not fall, when she heard a sudden crowd going into high-pitched squeals. Used to it by now, like everyone in the high-school, she didn't have to turn around to know who it was. She turned around anyway.
"Kyaaa~! It's Oikawa-san!"
"He's so handsome! And so nice!"
Surrounded by a crowd of fangirls, the setter happily discussed with them. At first, Kiku had thought that he was vain and petty but after observing him a little, even though he loved the attention, she had realized he was just trying to be nice with everyone.
Her gaze didn't remain on him or his fangirls, though. Her blue eyes brightened as she caught sight of the reason why she had turned around anyway.
Iwaizumi was standing there, as grumpy as ever, annoyed to be stopped so early in the morning by his friend's fangirls. He was standing apart from the crowd, still and silent, unnoticed by everyone else. Everyone's attention was on Oikawa, his crowd of fans… No one ever seemed to notice Iwaizumi always standing there and bearing through the pain of it all with an extraordinary patience (most days). No one but Kiku.
She stared at him, her lips tilting up just a tiny bit, her shoulders relaxing… Even if he looked so annoyed and grumpy… his presence was so quiet, so calm, without pretending and falsity that she couldn't help but feel a little reassured.
Her heart missed a beat.
It wasn't the first time it did that but every time it was when she caught sight of Iwaizumi – whether because he was waiting for Oikawa to be done with his fangirls, or because he was walking in the hall and she crossed path with him, or because she was watching the volleyball club's practice every Monday and her eyes were on him… It didn't feel like the hollow heartbeat that kept her alive despite her will, it almost felt… it almost felt like life. And it felt good. That was why she'd glance his way, or why she'd watch their practice, or why the three idiots plus Iwaizumi having lunch in the classroom was her favorite option… She felt a little bit alive.
Then came the Golden Week.
It was the golden opportunity for Kiku to try to befriend her teammates, she was aware that the other girls were mostly annoyed by her and found her too clingy but she was, as shameful as it might be, desperate for a friend. She needed someone at school, not just Yuuna whenever she could answer her phone and come visit her home. But having a friend at school, getting along with her teammates, it'd never happen if they ever learned about her past. If they knew the truth, they'd get scared, or embarrassed, at best they'd pity her but she didn't want that. The burden was too big, which was why she always took her shower and changed clothe alone, away from everyone else.
"Isn't she weird? Always on her own!" A first-year said as they were taking off their clothes to take their shower at the end of the day of intense practice.
"Who? Akiyama? She creeps me out waiting outside the bathrooms for us to be done to enter!" Another exclaimed, shuddering.
"I wonder why she's doing that, she probably has something to hide!"
"Her hideous body, you mean?"
They all laughed, taking their shower before getting dressed, taking their sweet time, and finally leaving the bathroom to Kiku. She stood up and smiled at them but they only chuckled and walked, her smile dropping immediately. She went to take her shower, being as fast as possible so she would be in time to go help out Mizoguchi-san preparing dinner for the volleyball team. Perhaps she'd even catch a sight of Iwaizumi. She smiled at the idea and, lost in thought, she didn't hear when her teammates came back chatting loudly.
"I forgot my shampoo!"
"I'm coming with you!"
"Me too!"
They all entered without thinking of Kiku and they all froze. Kiku stared at them with wide eyes, and they stared back. Kiku's heart missed a beat, panic filling her veins like frozen ice as she realized that her teammates had caught sight of her back. Only half-dressed, her back, covered in hideous scars, was straight in the light of the bathroom.
Slowly, the silence was broken by Miyano, one of the first-years…
"What the…"
Kiku suddenly reached for her towel, throwing it around her shoulders and falling on her knees, wanting to hide, closing her eyes tight to escape their view but it was too late. They had seen the scars, they had seen the true monster. Their words were just as painfully biting as the sharp whip on her back.
"What is that…?!"
"Scars…?!"
"Scary!"
"That's why she's always taking showers on her own?!"
"Look at that! It's hideous!"
"She's that desperate for attention?!"
"She's a monster!"
"She should just die!"
No, no, I'm not, please…! Stop looking at me! Stop it! Stop it! She thought, desperately trying to get her voice to reach out to anyone who would listen, but no one did. No one ever did. Tears rolling down her cheeks, she bit on her lip until it bled, her soul shattered at every word said that kept resonating in her head.
Holding back her sobs, she grabbed her stuff and ran away from the mocking, vicious girls who quickly spread the discovery to everyone else. But by the time it reached the coach's ears, Kiku had already called her parents and they had come to take her back home.
"It's all right, Kiku…" Nanami said, massaging her daughter's back as she sobbed on her bed, face in her pillow.
"Stop touching me!" She suddenly cried out, making Nanami freeze.
She wiggled, away from her mother's touch, not wanting her hand, or anyone's on her back, even with clothe on. It was as if the moment the girls had seen the scars, it was like receiving every single hit of the whip all over again. Mixed with the words they had said, were the screams and insults from Himura Souma. Memories came flooding again, nourished by the fire on her back. A slowly burning, painful fire that covered her back. She couldn't even reach the worst of her scars but she knew every single one of them by heart just from the pain it had provoked and could still feel…
Nanami kept repeating soft, soothing words, not touching her back, but keeping her close, trying to comfort her daughter as best as she could. But it wasn't hard to realize that despite Kiku's smile and positivity, she had been bullied at school and she had suffered during this little month in Aoba Jousai. And she had hid it all.
She didn't stop crying. Despite Nanami and Shouta's words of comfort and love, despite their care for her, Kiku could only feel the stinging pain of her back, like a ghost back to haunt her, reminding her of the life she had had before. Was it even a life, her constant struggle to go back to feeling alive, to please people, to love them and be loved in return…
"You're pitiful! You heard?! PITIFUL! That's why your parents abandoned you at birth! That's why no one loves you and why everyone will always leave you!"
Kiku looked up from her pillow and realized that at some point, without hearing it, her parents had left her alone. Perhaps she had fallen asleep, her sobs quiet as her nightmares came back to flood her mind. The tea put down by her mother earlier was cold now. How much time had gone by? She didn't know. She couldn't tell anymore.
Her puffy, red eyes, still crying an endless flow of tears, took notice of little packets next to the cup of tea.
The pills… She realized.
Her hands trembled as she clutched her pillow, she knew it was bad but… but she couldn't live anymore. Not like that. Her trembling hands reached for the medicine that, she knew, would end her suffering. Finally…
The sound of sirens. Cries, shouts, words. Light, so much light it was burning her eyes. More cries and indistinct words. Sirens. Lights. It reminded Kiku of that night she almost died and was saved by this police officer… There had been so many lights from the ambulance… It was just like that night.
Did she almost die again? What happened?
Kiku woke up, her body barely moving, the light blinding. She felt terrible, she felt so sick…
"You're awake."
She looked up and saw a nurse. She was in a hospital room, why…? The nurse approached her and made a quick check-up, but Kiku's mind was too blurry to really follow what was happening.
"I'll go tell the doctor you're awake. It was quite the scare you gave your family, trying to kill yourself like that with pills."
The nurse left, Kiku staring into space. Tears filled her eyes, her heart beating hollowly, but oh, so heavy in her chest…
No… I failed… how could I mess up that again…? She realized, connecting the dots that she had tried another suicide attempt and failed.
By the time the doctor had seen her to check her vitals, give her a quick talk she didn't listen to, and her parents had been called, she was sitting on her bed, recalling the last events, her mind cleared up enough for thoughts to make some sense. She remembered everything that had happened and now it felt useless trying to kill herself, she wasn't quite sure why she had done it in the first place. She knew why, but she lacked the energy to be angry at her life to go to such limit anymore. It was always like that. The impulse of the moment, the rage of what had happened to her life and this thought… this thought in the back of her mind that had been haunting her for years and will keep coming back until the end of her life… if her biological parents had wanted her death, why didn't she die in this dumpster? She wished she had died in this dumpster and never go through everything that had followed after…
"Kiku!"
She barely had time to turn around as her parents entered that Nanami was already at her side and slapping her cheek violently.
"Nanami!" Shouta exclaimed.
"What were you thinking?! Taking so many pills you almost died?! Why would you go so far?! Do you hate your life that much?!" Nanami shouted, tears rolling down her cheeks.
Yes.
"If you're in pain, then just say so!" She continued, suddenly hugging Kiku as tight as physically possible, shaking terribly, "We're here for you so don't try to kill yourself! I… I can't lose another daughter…"
I'm sorry I caused you pain… It's all I ever do, I'm sorry…
She sobbed and Kiku held up her hands against her back until it wasn't certain who was comforting who.
A few days later…
Kiku checked that her tie was well put, fingers trembling. She made sure for the twentieth time this morning that the marks of perfusion from the hospital couldn't be seen on her arms and hands then, as trembling as she was, as weak as she felt, she took her bag and calmly walked down the stairs.
"Kiku!" Nanami called when she noticed her daughter going towards the stairs, "Where are you going?" She asked frenetically, stressed every time Kiku was left alone ever since her suicide attempt a few days ago.
"School," she answered as if it was obvious.
"You are not going to school in the state you're in! You were at the hospital just a few days ago, you need rest! And you're not going to see these girls until they've been expelled for what they did to you!"
Kiku stared at her mother, lips falling open then she started shaking her head:
"I-it's… it's not their fault… it's mine… I took the pill, I tried to kill myself – they don't have to pay the consequences of my actions…!" She exclaimed weakly.
"The reason why you did any of that is because of what they said! You're not going to Seijou anymore! I thought that with Nobuteru, you'd be safe but I was wrong – you're going to continue somewhere else, somewhere safe. I know there is an agency who offers classes for young victims of abuse who can't go to regular high-schools, they know how to handle people like you and–"
"People like me?" Kiku interrupted, tears filling her eyes.
Nanami froze then closed her eyes, suddenly looking ten years older. She passed her hands over her face, shaking her head.
"That… I didn't mean it this way, Kiku…" She murmured, realizing the way she's been talking was a mistake.
"I… I don't want to go anywhere else! I don't want to be put with the crazy, broken people again! I want to stay at Aoba Jousai, a normal high-school!" She exclaimed, voice breaking.
"You're being bullied and mistreated here! I don't want you to suffer!"
"I'm going to suffer anyway! Let me live my life the way I intend to!"
"By killing yourself?!"
Kiku startled guiltily then looked down. Wasn't it what she had wanted at the beginning…? To not go to Aoba Jousai? To go somewhere else…? Home-school sounded like a nice perspective, another high-school could do good… she'd… she'd study somewhere else and she'd… she'd meet new… people…
Iwaizumi's face flashed in her mind. His grumpy behavior, his quiet-self that made her heart miss a beat. The miss of a beat that ironically made her feel more alive. More than anything else.
"I! I want to stay at Seijou, it's a good high-school! With nice teachers! Funny people! I'm happy there!" She exclaimed, voice rising and rising until Shouta came to check on his wife and daughter.
"If you were truly happy, you wouldn't have attempted suicide again!" Nanami exclaimed.
Kiku clenched her fists tight, not quite knowing why she wanted to fight for her life when she didn't feel alive and wanted to die… but Aoba Jousai had been supposed to be a new beginning. New life. She couldn't give up so easily. So she looked up into her mother's eyes, shocking Nanami enough she'd step away, and she continued with a determination her parents had never seen before:
"It was a mistake, a moment of weakness, it won't happen again–"
"That's what you said the first time you attempted suicide, you still tried a second time, you said it again, and now a third time! You're saying it again! What if the fourth time is the time you can't go back from?! I can't lose you too, Kiku!" Nanami shouted.
Kiku opened and closed her lips… Shouta was about to intervene when Kiku's quiet voice rose again:
"…You don't want me to die, but you don't want me to live either…" She murmured sadly.
It was Nanami's turn to be too stunned and hurt to find words. Shouta arrived, putting a hand on his wife's shoulder and speaking up:
"Kiku, try to understand, we're terribly worried for you. You never tell us what happens at school, then you come back crying because of what these girls said about you… You're hurt, and we can see it but you don't speak to us and… you tried to kill yourself. We can't not worry and try to protect you. You're our precious daughter…" He started with a protective gaze.
Nanami nodded, eyes teary. Shouta squeezed her shoulder then sighed:
"But you're right…"
Both mother and daughter looked up in shock as he continued, sadly:
"Sheltering you, keeping you from people won't help you feel better. You need to live your life, but… don't try to end it again… please…"
Too stunned, Kiku couldn't say a thing.
"Shouta–"
"Let her go to school if she wants to, Nanami. Our Kiku is strong beyond belief. She won't break so easily. Not again, or she wouldn't fight so vehemently to keep living…"
Nanami hesitated then looked back at Kiku. Her breath came out shakily then she hugged Kiku tightly.
"…Be careful, will you…?"
Kiku hugged her back, nodding against her shoulder and blinking away her tears as she looked up thankfully at her grinning father.
"I promise…" She said, voice smothered but still heard.
She was allowed to go to school and even if it felt… unnatural to go to high-school with everyone living their life as ordinarily as possible when the last few days had been, for Kiku, a living hell… it was strangely comforting. People chatting, finding their friends after a week of holiday, talking about how exhausting the club activities had been or how boring studying had been… It was better than she could have expected.
"Akiyama!"
Kiku startled when she heard this voice, and Miyano approached her disdainfully.
"I see you're finally back. Coach told us you fell down the stairs and hit your head pretty badly when you went back to your parents and that it was why you needed some time."
It was the official story, so that shy, socially awkward, weirdo, monster… whatever other words were used on her, wouldn't have 'suicidal' added to the list.
"Captain wants to know if you're going back to the club."
Kiku hesitated – should she go back to the cheerleading club after what had happened? They had seen her scars, they might question her. Would she be able to handle it?
But she wanted to try one last time, like all other times, to hold onto life a little while longer and holding onto life meant holding onto the little bits of joy she had gathered. She nodded and Miyano left immediately after she had gotten her answer. It didn't take long for Kiku to overhear that the first-years of the cheerleading club had all been punished by coach for what they had told her. They hated her for that. No question about why she was covered in scars then. Good. They shut her out completely. …Good?
The days went on… and on… as boring as it could possibly get, nothing making Kiku feel like her life was worth it after all. It was the same as before her last suicide attempt, with just more hatred and bitterness from the cheerleader girls rather than mocking and disdain. She couldn't tell which felt worst. Neither at the moment.
One day, too tired to eat lunch, she put her head in her arms and fell asleep, everyone's voices smothered by her sleep. When she opened her eyes again, she stared in front of her without actually moving. The first person she noticed across the classroom was Iwaizumi. He was laughing loudly at some meme Hanamaki and Matsukawa had shown him. Kiku's eyes sparkled and her heart missed a beat as she straightened up and looked by the window, trying to hide her blushing cheeks with her long hair. Her lips tilted up and she had to bite down on her lower lip. This handsome face and beautiful laugh were worth living for.
One day, feeling too lonely to bear everyone's happiness around, she went for a walk. She went behind the main school building where no one ever went. There were a few forgotten flowers and plants she had started watering and there was a tree good to read under. It was quiet and no one ever bothered her here. Almost no one, at least.
Kiku froze when she turned around the corner and saw that there was someone already here, crouched down near the flowers. She was about to turn around and leave when she recognized who it was. Hesitating, she leaned against the wall, observing from afar Iwaizumi doing something to her flowers. He was seriously looking down at whatever he was doing, incredibly focused but there was no annoyance, no grumpiness, no anger in his moves despite his furrowed brows.
Realizing that for the first time since the beginning of the school-year, she could see him alone without anyone around, and that she could stare for as long as possible, she let herself kneel down, still hidden by the wall, observing him, quiet surrounding them. She saw how his eyes shone when he was focused, she noticed how the muscle of his jaw moved when he tightened his lips, how his muscular forearms were tan from hours running and working-out under the sun. His spiky hair, his profile – strong nose, firm jaw even if there was still some baby fat from being a sixteen years-old boy…
Then, he moved away, said something too low for her to hear – which was strange considering he was all alone and had no one to talk to… Then, taking something in his hands, he raised it to be eye-to-eye. Kiku's eyes widened, sparkling a little, lips fallen open.
A bird. He was tenderly holding a little bird in his hands and was talking to him in a low voice. He seemed to check how the bird was then put him back in the flowers…
Kiku's heart missed a beat. Then two, then three then… she realized it wasn't one beat of heart that had skipped. But that her heart was beating, firm and strong and… alive. Her heart was beating fast against her chest, she felt her cheeks heat up and a smile lit up her face and she leaned forward to have a better view.
Who would have guessed that despite his grumpy looks, and quiet aura, Iwaizumi actually had such a kind heart and noble soul?
Taking care of a little bird, watching over him… it was the sweetest thing she had ever witnessed. And his smile… oh his smile was breathtaking. It wasn't the first time she was seeing his smile and it always struck her as beautiful for how rare it was… But right now, it was the most beautiful she had ever seen: soft, tender, so unexpected from the Ace and… she felt like she was seeing the Ace for the first time. That she was meeting his true nature and…
Her heart beat faster and she realized, a little frightened but excited, that it was what she had read about in books and seen in movies.
She might have fallen in love…
She was scared to the bones at the idea of love, but for some reason, she didn't feel any doubt or hesitation – just watching Iwaizumi's beautiful smile, his soft gestures to the bird, his quietness, his… true self… It was enough for her heart to sing happily.
Yes, yes, yes. You are in love~ It is love if one glance at him makes your heart goes wild~ If his presence is enough to make you smile~ If you feel lighter when you hear his laugh~ Yes, yes, yes, you are in love~
"Iwa-chan!"
Kiku startled when she heard a voice behind her. She jumped on her feet and ended up face to face with Oikawa. He blinked down at her, her face vaguely familiar… but unable to put a name on the face. Kiku swallowed hard then ran around him, disappearing.
Weird… He thought, watching her run off like she had committed a sin. What was she staring at with such a smile, though?
He walked to where she had been standing a moment ago and froze when he saw Iwaizumi, crouching down near the bushes and sad-looking flowers.
Was she staring at him…? He realized, glancing over his shoulder but she was gone. Who was she? Ooooh~ This is interesting~! Someone is in love with Iwa-chan~!
"Iwa-chan~!" He called, going towards him.
"Yeah, yeah, I heard! I'm coming!" He exclaimed grumpily, suddenly standing up and grabbing Oikawa before he could notice the hidden bird.
"You'll be overjoyed to hear what I just learned~!"
"Guh."
Despite Oiakwa's best intentions, the fact that a girl was in love with him totally went over Iwaizumi's head.
"Her hair was very long and pretty, it shone like copper!"
"I don't care, I don't even know her!" He replied, tired of listening about this ~love story~ his friend now liked to brag about.
Copper hair… it reminds me of someone… where did I see copper hair, though…? He wondered in the back of his mind. Ah, nevermind. I probably never cross her path anyway.
Too lost in his thoughts, and Oikawa being too excited about what he was telling him, neither noticed the copper-haired girl who walked past them and hurried to the back of the building.
Kiku waited for the two to be away to go behind the building. She went right where Iwaizumi had been crouched a few minutes ago. She crouched down and she stared at the well hidden bento box turned into a bird nest. It was a blue bento with a funny godzilla figure on the side. There was one of Aoba Jousai's dark red tie, with lots of handkerchief added to it, to make a comfortable nest for the bird. A little bit of bread was on one side of the bento box, and at the other side, there was a returned cap of bottle filled with water. She had to pull at some flowers and bushes but the bird looked up at her, piping up and tilting his head on a side in confusion.
"Sorry… I'm not Iwaizumi-san…" She murmured to him with a smile.
He squeaked again and she hesitated before approaching her hand towards him. At first, he tried biting her with his beak but after some patience and many soft whispers, the bird let her take him in her hands. His wing seemed injured and she quickly put him back in Iwaizumi's bento improvised into a bird nest.
It was unlikely he'd make so many efforts for the bird to be comfortable and leave him there injured. But practice was about to start and Iwaizumi probably intended to take the bird to someone specialized later. As well hidden as he was, it was dangerous if a cat, or a bigger bird prey, were to notice and attack him. Injured, the bird couldn't defend himself or fly away…
Kiku hesitated, wondering if she should go warn Iwaizumi of the possibility if he hadn't thought of it… but then what? And it'd mean talking to him and there was no way she could do such a thing.
After some research on her phone, she finally took her decision and she went in town, feeling a little awkward when people noticed her carrying a bento box with a bird in it. The bird seemed to enjoy the ride, though, looking everywhere around curiously.
She pushed the door of the SPCA, glancing around warily in the vaguely dark entrance. The door had made a bell ring and a minute later, a young man came out from another room:
"May I help you?" He asked with a smile.
"U-um…"
Before she could explain anything, he noticed the bird in the bento box and approached gently:
"May I?"
She happily gave him the box and he observed the bird very quickly before telling Kiku to follow him. Stumbling over her words, glancing around at all the animals who looked at her curiously as she passed by, she managed after long minutes of embarrassment to explain that she had found the bird, already settled in his godzilla bento-house, hidden in her high-school's garden. The man, called Hayate (and he didn't want to be called any other name even if Kiku was red from the familiarity she was forced to use), took care of the bird, nursing him then putting him in a cage.
"Once his wing will be healed, I'll let it free again. Aoba Jousai, is it? I'll leave him in the neighborhood of your high-school so he can go back to his friends." He explained.
Kiku sighed in relief then, after having talked a little more with Hayate, she went back to school. She cleaned as best as she could the bento box then left it back where she had found it. She went into hiding just around the time the volleyball practice was over. Without much surprise, Iwaizumi came running, from the other side, his bag thrown over his shoulder. He crouched down but froze when he saw the bento box, closed. He took it and open it, a little panicked not to see the bird but he slowly rose standing, reading the message left in the bento box, over his rolled tie. His lips fell open as he read the message over and over again, written in a pretty handwriting.
The little bird has been safely taken care of by a veterinarian, he'll fly again soon. Thank you for taking care of him.
He was curious about who had found his bird and took the time to put him to safety – he had spent the entire practice worrying for this bird… but as long as he was safe and sound, and soon healed, everything was fine. He walked away, putting his bento box and tie back in his bag, walking the opposite way of the very person he couldn't stop thinking about at the moment.
Kiku came out from behind her protective wall then leaned against it, looking up at the slowly darkening sky with a smile. He was so kind-hearted, so nice, so soft despite looking rough around the edges, a little grumpy-looking but his smile made up for it… and he made her feel more alive than she ever did with just one smile brightening his face.
A few days later, she visited the bird at the SPCA, thinking that perhaps she should have put the address in her message to Iwaizumi so that he could visit the bird at this place, but she had forgotten and now, she didn't dare talk to him for that. It'd be too embarrassing. The bird was soon set free and because she had spent so much time at the SPCA, and had researched a lot on the topic, she ended up volunteering with Hayate. It took some convincing to her parents, but after telling Hayate about her situation, he gladly accepted her help considering she was so loved by the animals. Going to help the stray and injured animals when she didn't have practice or when she skipped some days was her light of these days. When the light wasn't Iwaizumi. At school, she continued noticing him, but she was much more aware of him now that she… had more or less acknowledged the possibility of liking him. At the very least, she had a little crush on him and he was her favorite human being in the universe. She had always noticed him when he was standing still, alone and calm, grumpy or smiling, when he was joking and laughing with his friends, his strong and amazing aura of Ace of the team… his soft side. but she also started noticing his absence, which was making her feel weird. If she was overjoyed to catch a glance of him, whenever he wasn't here, she felt lost. Sometimes, he wouldn't be with Oikawa, or Hanamaki, for a reason and another, and if at the beginning of the school-year she wouldn't have noticed any of them because there wasn't Iwaizumi, now she noticed them because Iwaizumi wasn't here.
One of the worst part of being alone at school was that she couldn't share her deep admiration for Iwaizumi. She sent messages everyday to Yuuna about what she had noticed about him, about how wrinkled his clothes had been, or the adorable yawn he had done at some point, or the playful smirk he had had after making fun of Oikawa… but it wasn't the same as talking about her feelings outloud. Which was why everytime Yuuna visited her, she was excitingly sharing everything all over again with a bright smile on her face.
Yuuna smiled, listening to Kiku, and noticing the way her eyes sparkled and her cheeks blushed… but her heart tightened painfully.
"You really like him… I saw him at the Inter-High and Spring-High preliminaries but… he doesn't seem like such a good guy, you know… Grumpy doesn't begin to describe him." She told Kiku someday, painting her nails as the girls usually did when they saw each other.
"It's because you don't know him, and he was focusing for the competition! But I can assure you that he is the sweetest being in the whole universe!" She exclaimed enthusiastically.
"You're saying that because you fell for him, and just because he helped an injured bird once doesn't mean he's that good-hearted." She continued, knowing damn well that her jealousy was talking.
"Yuuna, I know he appears to be very… rough but–"
"Rough, right, which is exactly why I'm so worried! You said this guy likes hitting his friends–"
"Only Oikawa-san and they're childhood friends, and from what I heard he usually deserves it."
"It doesn't change the fact that he's being violent with someone. What if someday he's violent with you? What if he hurts you or gets angry for no reason? Or, or… you know this type of guys, you had to deal with this Himura, so why did you fall for this Iwaizumi when he's just… he's just a grumpy guy with anger-issues?" She asked, desperate to understand why Kiku would fall for a guy she had never talked with, who didn't know her, didn't even seem likeable when she was here for Kiku.
Kiku glanced down, at the nails Yuuna had stopped painting half-way through it. She knew what Yuuna thought of Iwaizumi – that he wasn't good enough for her. No matter what she'd say to defend him, she never believed he was as good as Kiku thought he was. Iwaizumi had been an annoyance and a scary person for most people at the beginning of the school-year with how he kept frowning and behaved, especially with the prince of the high-school, Oikawa. But over the months, as he relaxed and befriended more and more people, he was soon admired by everyone. By girls for his handsome looks and muscular body and his position of Ace on the team, and by boys for being this strong and confident man they all looked up to. Now Iwaizumi was almost as popular as Oikawa and if the latter kept attracting the girls' attention like bees to honey, Iwaizumi made every boys he crossed path with think of him as the most admirable man they had ever met. But no matter what, no one had ever seemed to notice that Iwaizumi was so quiet at times, so calming for Kiku. That sometimes he'd disappear to be on his own and Kiku knew that most times he went to read under that tree behind the building – not that she was stalking him but several times she had wanted to go read but had been frozen on spot when she had noticed him. People didn't seem to notice or even be aware of the softness Iwaizumi could express – he loved animals, she was pretty sure of that because he read a lot about biology and animals and there had been this one time when she had walked around the neighborhood and he had been visiting Hanamaki's house with Oikawa. He had played with another neighbor's dog and had enjoyed every moment of it – so did Kiku from where she had been hiding. Kiku liked to think that she saw an Iwaizumi no one else knew about. It made her feel a little special and a little more livelier.
"You don't choose who you fall for, I guess…" Kiku answered with a sad shrug, knowing that her friend couldn't understand what she saw in Iwaizumi, as no one else did.
Yuuna stared at her, gaze shattered because she knew how it felt, and she knew better than anyone that you didn't choose who you fell for…!
"Just… as long as he doesn't hurt you… I'll be fine too…" Yuuna murmured, continuing her duty of painting Kiku's nails.
"He would never hurt me!" She answered, laughing.
"Hurting someone… doesn't have to be purposeful." Yuuna answered, heart clenching and not daring to look up at the girl she was in love with, "You said he's popular, isn't he? You never reach out to him, and he never notices you, he'll probably get a girlfriend at some point. That will hurt you, so… why hold onto him for so long? I mean, it's bound to happen eventually." She said, sounding matter-of-factly.
Kiku glanced at her friend, then looked back at her hands on the table.
"Y-you're not wrong… he'll… have a very pretty and popular girlfriend, just like he is… But… if he's happy, I can be happy too." She said with a smile, trying to smother the sadness at the idea of Iwaizumi liking another, even if there was no he'd ever notice someone like her.
Yuuna looked up quickly at Kiku, then she put down the nail painting and even if she felt as embarrassed as she was excited by the small gesture, she put her hand on Kiku's cheek, forcing the blue-eyed girl to look up.
"Pretty and popular? Who cares about being pretty and popular when you can as beautiful as you are, Kiku…" She said, meaning every word, her thumb brushing her cheek tenderly, not wanting this moment to end.
Kiku laughed and Yuuna's heart dropped. If Kiku saw an Iwaizumi no one else was aware of, she saw the beauty of Kiku no one else was aware of.
"Don't talk nonsense, Yuuna! I'm not even pretty, at best I'm a good-looking monster! You can forget the beautiful!"
"You can be beautiful, for the right eyes…" Yuuna whispered, cheeks blushing but Kiku didn't seem to notice.
"Thank you, Yuuna… You're beautiful too…" She answered with a smile.
Yuuna's heart went wild even if she knew Kiku didn't mean it the way she did.
"You're the most beautiful girl I know. I bet you must have crowds of boys going after you!" Kiku added with a smile.
Yuuna didn't answer and Kiku quietly took back the nail paint to finish her left hand's nails, not realizing the long staring of Yuuna.
The weeks turned into months, and Kiku got up in the morning with a smile on her face, going to school much happier than she ever was. Her life was getting better, she didn't feel sad and worthless anymore even if nothing had made her change her mind about death being better than alive. It was just the simple joy of seeing Iwaizumi that made her put on her uniform while humming and smiling. It was helping out at the SPCA and taking care of her new pets, Pip and Birb that gave her a reason to get up every morning to take care of herself so she could take care of them.
With winter and the last semester, more and more students were skipping their club activities for the sake of studying for the finals. One day, Kiku went to school not early enough to go to cheerleading, but early enough to have the library to herself. She was all alone walking through the entrance, still a little sleepy from late studying the previous night. It had snowed a lot the last few days and she was careful to not walk on hidden ice. She slipped on some right at the entrance, but managed to catch her balance, stopping for a moment to stabilize herself.
Hearing the crunchy sound of hurried steps in the snow, she looked over her shoulder and saw Iwaizumi approaching, running awkwardly. He was trying to run but the snow made it difficult and he kept his eyes on the ground, to avoid sliding. That was why he didn't see that he was running right into someone else. Kiku didn't have time to warn him about the ice on the ground that he slid off. He screamed and just like her a moment ago, fell forward. She tried to step away but it was too late and he fell right into her, both gasping as they fell onto the ground, the fall smothered by the few centimeters of snow.
Kiku opened her eyes just as Iwaizumi groaned, not breathing when she realized he had fallen on top of her and was so physically close to her body… Realizing his weight was on top of some innocent girl he had fallen on top of, he sat up suddenly, a little clumsily after having fallen on top of a girl in the most embarrassing way possible.
"S-sorry…! I didn't see you! I slid and I couldn't stop us from falling!" He exclaimed, flushing, sitting on his knees and lowering his head.
She sat up as well and stared at him, cheeks blushing from how close he had been – she had felt his body warmth all over her and she was pretty sure that the snow around her would melt within seconds if she didn't stay calm.
He massaged very quickly his left arm and she realized that he had held her waist to keep them from falling – that was why her fall hadn't been so violent, he had protected her…
Her heart skipped a beat, then it accelerated and she looked back at Iwaizumi who was still flushed and too embarrassed to glance her way. He made a strange expression, probably because he wasn't used to talk much with girls. Even less girls he had fallen on top of. Then he glanced hesitantly to see if she was injured or angry at him, and he froze. Her hair and lower face were mostly hidden by her wool cap and scarf, but he noticed her red face. And her sparkling eyes. Beautiful dark-blue eyes, sparkling like sapphires.
His heart skipped a beat and he blushed, suddenly hyper-aware of what had happened a moment ago. He glanced down at his knees, unable to meet her gaze even if he was tempted to look back into her eyes.
"I-I hope you're… unhurt…" He whispered.
It seemed to bring Kiku back on earth, she shook lightly her head, to stop her reverie then she opened her lips to talk to Iwaizumi but suddenly, he startled and jumped on his feet:
"CRAP! I'm late for practice! I'm so sorry, again! If you need anything, name's Iwaizumi! Come to my class, number four! And I'll make it up to you! Promise!"
He ran away, sliding occasionally, repeating in a loop "Crap, crap, crap!". Kiku slowly stood up, her heart still wild and happy. She glanced down, smiling behind her scarf and she didn't notice that just before he'd disappear, Iwaizumi turned around to glance at her from afar.
Copper hair…? Where did I see that already? And her eyes were beautiful… He thought before he recalled he was late and had to run.
It was the only interaction Iwaizumi and Kiku had over the two years of high-school that went by. She kept admiring him from afar, heart sinking every time she heard about "this girl who confessed to Iwaizumi-san" and always sighing in relief when she head he had rejected her. Before she'd scold herself for thinking this way – he never noticed her and she had no plan of being known to him. She had been tempted to go to class four and pretend their fall had broken something in her bag just so she'd have a good excuse to start a conversation with him. She never dared go past the doorway. He never seemed to wait for her or even remember this promise of his. He had probably forgotten about her as soon as he had been at practice that snowy day.
During their second year, she had felt disappointed that he wasn't in her classroom – but she was in Hanamaki's again which meant he'd probably have Oikawa and Iwaizumi join him for lunch. Unfortunately, the rhythm of lunch time changed for the group of friends because it was always Hanamaki joining them in their class. Which meant that Kiku didn't have lunch time to look forward to.
It wasn't like she could change anything about Iwaizumi's lack of interest in her, no one was interested in her and she remained alone. She was happy feeling special from afar for noticing things about Iwaizumi no one else did, and she was happy he kept on smiling. As long as Iwaizumi was happy, she was, she prayed for his happiness.
But with her lack of courage and her distant love she was satisfied with because, after all, how could he possibly find anything to like in her, there was no more interaction between them for an entire school-year. The only interactions she had ever had with the boy she had fallen for was one comment about sakura petals on their first day, one message in his bento box and one fall in the snow when he barely glanced her way. But she was happy with it.
One day, in the beginning of March of their second year, she wanted to go study in her quiet place, near the tree but she stopped when she saw Iwaizumi already here. She was about to turn around and leave but she couldn't help but glance his way and… the sudden realization that she hadn't seen him up-close since… their last interaction, over a year ago, hit her hard. Her shoulders dropped and even if she already knew he was out of reach for someone like her, it hurt… Liking someone who didn't like you back, liking someone from afar.
Her heart had wasted two years of love for someone she had never talked to and she felt a little guilty for it, even if it wasn't like she knew anyone else she could possibly love. She'll have to move on eventually.
She turned around, to walk away… but her body wouldn't let her. If she wanted to move on someday… shouldn't she let it go? Of her quiet love for him?
She glanced his way and slowly, limbs trembling, she walked towards Iwaizumi and, as she got closer, she realized he had fallen asleep against the tree trunk.
His jacket was left on top of his bag and he had en opened book on his laps, but he was asleep, breathing softly. Kiku knelt next to him, close enough to see him without waking him up. She observed his sleeping face – it probably was the only time she'd get to see him with such a peaceful, soft expression…
You really are a good-hearted person… you really are soft and kind… Your smile is beautiful and your eyes are beautiful and you deserve all the happiness in the world.
She opened her lips, half-praying he was sleeping too deeply to hear her voice, and half-praying he'd open her eyes and finally see her. Her voice was carried softly, no higher than a whisper, her smile unwavering and her eyes sparkling beautifully, sparkling with unshed, happy tears:
"Thank you for existing… and thank you… for making my heart beat so strongly… it made me feel alive for the first time in my whole life and… and it might have saved my life… and… that's the reason why… I fell in love with you, Iwaizumi-san…" She whispered, voice full of love.
She held her breath but he kept on sleeping like a log. She kept smiling and approached him, hands tingled by the grass but then, she stopped moving towards him and fell back on her behind, watching over him with a soft gaze.
Even if he didn't know her, even if he didn't hear her, she had confessed and starting next April, she would work on herself – not to be happy or alive because he had unknowingly done that from a distance – but for love. Someone should be able to love someone like her someday… right?
Standing up, the fresh breeze of spring making her hair fly around, she walked away with a smile on her face, not realizing that from afar, someone had seen the whole scene. Oikawa had been looking for Iwa-chan, knowing he'd find him here, when he saw this girl kneeling next to him, in silence, letting him sleep. He had been a little worried, especially when she tried to kiss his cheek but thought back on it, so he observed curiously what she'd do. She only smiled and whispered sweet words before gently covering Iwaizumi with his jacket to protect him from catching a cold, then she left.
Well… that's definitely something interesting… Oikawa thought to himself, joining his sleeping friend.
Feeling a tap on his thigh, Iwaizumi startled awake and blinked his eyes, blinded by the sun.
"Class is about to start, we should head back," Oikawa told him, sitting at his side.
Iwaizumi nodded sleepily, sitting up and blinking when his jacket, which had been on his side when he had fallen asleep, fell from covering his torso.
"Thanks for the jacket," he told his friend.
"It wasn't me~" Oikawa hummed but Iwaizumi was too sleepy to understand what it really meant.
He closed his book then looked around, a little lost.
"What is it?" Oikawa asked.
"…Nothing I just… I had a feeling… a dream or something…"
"What did you dream of?"
"A girl… I didn't see who it was but… she thanked me for saving her life…"
And she confessed to me, he added to himself, flushing a little.
Oikawa was curious to know if these were the words the mysterious girl had told his sleeping friend… or if he had really dreamt it all.
A few weeks later…
Kiku glanced down from the window at the crowd of people gathering in the court, still not quite believing that on her first day, on her third-year, in the same class as Iwaizumi Hajime, they had interacted – well, he had hit her with his bag by accident and she had run away. And she was trying so hard to forget her feelings for him and get over this helpless love, even if it kept her heart busy keeping her alive.
Hearing the sound of someone settling down next to her, she glanced curiously but her eyes widened and her heart fastened.
Iwaizumi… Hajime…?
Before he'd glance her way, she quickly looked away, trying to appear as calm as possible but she wasn't breathing. What was this twisted turn of fate that he'd sit next to her after two years observing him from afar, liking him from afar? She finally wanted to get over this love, why did he show up and she was falling all over again?
Class started and he sat without a word to her. Obviously. But she also cursed herself for not speaking up to be polite. The day went awfully slow, and it was a torture for Kiku to keep herself from glancing at the Ace who was so close to her now… she was so relieved the day was over that when she got up she didn't pay any attention to what he was doing.
Receiving his bag when he threw it over his shoulder, again, she stumbled backwards, hit the corner of her desk and fell on the floor, the chair making an awful noise.
"Ah, sorry… erh… what's your name already?" Iwaizumi said, glancing down at her guiltily.
Yet again, Kiku's heart went wild, she blushed and looked away, fiddling with her fingers, unable to remember her name and even less pronounce it. Oikawa threw a curious glance and smiled – thankfully, he made some stupid joke that pushed the two boys to walk away. Kiku finally looked up at Iwaizumi's figure disappearing…
Getting over my feelings is going to be harder than I thought… She realized, wondering if it'd be right to ask her uncle to require her transfer in another class.
Kiku hoped the following day would be different, but it wasn't. She had to fight the urge to glance his way all day long, her nerves by sitting next to him making her lifetime shorten considerably. At the end of the day, she stood up, realizing too late she'd probably receive his bag once again… but she didn't.
She looked up and her lips fell open in shock when she realized that Iwaizumi had stopped mid-way to not hit her. He glanced over his shoulder, staring at her, seeing her.
"See you tomorrow," Hajime said as he turned around and left the classroom with his bag over his shoulder.
Kiku kept staring at him, too shocked to say a thing or even form a thought… once again, just like with the bird he had saved, just like that time he had bumped into her and smothered her fall with his arm… just like his simple, constant presence, always somewhere in the corner of her eye… He had protected her.
I'm going to spend the year falling in love again and again with you, isn't it…? She realized, lips tilting up.
A little laugh escaped her lips, people glanced her way worriedly but she turned around, hiding her blushing face and giddy smile. But for once, she didn't care the way people looked at her, or what they might think, she was too happy for that.
In the present time, Akiyama House…
Kiku sat up, a little stunned by her night of dreams. Memories. She almost only dreamt of memories, but they weren't usually so happy.
Her fingers went to the side of her mouth, where Hajime had kissed her the previous night, promising he'd wait for her to be ready. Because she had so many doubts, she was so confused and it was all so… overwhelming…
"Why do you like Iwaizumi?" Makki had asked her the previous day and for some reason, she had felt so confused – her dreams had decided to answer to that question. It wasn't that she didn't have the answer, she had simply forgotten the first reason she had fallen in love with him because she had fallen in love with him so many times over since the beginning of the school-year and she had almost forgotten their few, but precious, first interactions.
Because he's sweet, and kind, and soft, and honest, and strong, and his smile is the most precious thing in the universe, and because he's confident and everyone looks up to him, because he's… he's…
None of it felt right. It was so much more than that. What she felt for him…
"He saved me by making me feel alive…" She whispered to herself, a giddy smile appearing on her face.
Now you know how she fell in love with Hajime even though they had never really talked before being seatmates. If you wonder why she cut her hair - it'll be explained soon.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter~
NEXT CHAPTER : THE WORDS THAT MATTERED (you're going to love it)
Yours Truly,
May