Like I said on Sowlmate I'm running out of time beofre I get kicked out of the library I'm using internet for so I'll answer to your reviews on next chapter! :D

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FANFICTION

HAIKYUU! : QUIET VOICE

CHAPTER XLV : Insecurities

"I was quiet, but I was not blind."

— Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

"You don't need to force yourself to like me…I don't even like myself much."

— Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazari and His Years of Pilgrimage

"You see everything when the world doesn't see you."

— American Horror Story: Hotel

"Please don't judge people. You don't know what it took someone to get out of bed, look and feel as presentable as possible, and face the day. You never truly know the daily struggle of others."

— Karen Salmansohn

"You are not a reflection of the people who can't love you."

— Caitlyn Siehl

"People are often afraid of loners because they represent an idea that is socially unacceptable: that they can be enough for themselves, that they're fully-functioning human beings even on their own."

— Unknown

"Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks."

— Shannon L. Alder

"But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself any more. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head."

— Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

"I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore."

— John Lennon

"Good morning, cupcake," Hajime greeted, kissing Kiku's cheek.

She smiled, letting him enter the bakery. It was still early in the morning but they had met to prepare Oikawa's birthday cake.

"Good morning, muffin," she answered.

They didn't notice Shouta holding back his laugh and quickly turning around to hide his amused expression at the pet names they were using.

Some time had happened since their make-out session and things were awkward at first, they didn't dare meet each other's eyes for a while. But with time, they slowly relaxed, got over it and now they were back to their usual selves, as if nothing had happened but not ignoring the fact that it did happen. Whenever Hajime thought back on this study session turned make-out session, he still felt overwhelmed and speechless by how good it had felt and mostly, how reassured he was to know Kiku comfortable to express her fears to him concerning her insecurities. As for Kiku, she had been incredibly shy thinking back on what she had done – it was as if the weight of what she had done had hit her after the deed – but she didn't regret any of it. Sometimes she glanced in her mirror and felt bad and insecure about her body and her scars, but Hajime's words resonated in her mind and she would smile. He wasn't aware of how much of a difference his words and feelings had done to her body image and self-confidence.

The quiet and discreet hand-holding and kisses on the cheeks continued but they had taken another step forward with the pet-names. Kiku had accidentally called Hajime "muffin" and he had accidentally called her "cupcake". These were the first pet names they had used and their favorites, despite the mockery and snickers they had to face when it had accidentally slipped their tongues in front of their teammates. After that, they both tried to find more pet names and used a few here and there such as "Honey Bunny" and "Sunshine" for Kiku "Handsome" and "Teddy bear" for Hajime. They would always end up with silly grins on their faces, hearts full of love and happiness.

"So, I heard you're here to help?" Shouta asked when he finally kept down the laugh bubbling in his throat.

"Y-yes, sir!" Hajime exclaimed, still feeling somehow awkward with his girlfriend's parents – especially after their first ruined date, Shouta still hadn't totally forgiven him.

"Well, I'm almost done so you'll have the kitchen for yourselves. Kiku knows what to do." He said.

The couple glanced at each other, waiting a little impatiently to be left alone as he transported trails of freshly baked bread and various patisserie. Of course, they helped out a little but they couldn't stop glancing at each other. It was the first time they were truly baking together, or even doing any kitchen-related work together. It was silly but it felt like an important part of their relationship. Kiku handled most of the cake but Hajime helped her out, going to find the ingredients and executing her orders obediently. They mostly had fun for the decoration, trying to decide the final design – an alien, a little spaceship and Oikawa himself with a volleyball and lots of leaves around to represent his teammates – but Kiku insisted on letting Hajime do it all. It was his idea to prepare the cake together for his best friend's birthday and even if he wasn't nearly as good as Kiku for this sort of things, he did enjoy it a lot, both laughing at the result in the end. He wasn't a great artist but he was proud of what he had done.

Kiku glanced up at him, his proud grin on his face as he looked at his work. She chuckled, realizing he had some colorful icing on his cheek. She gathered it on her finger then put it in her mouth, making him smile teasingly. Before she had time to defend herself, he grab the nearest and unused amount of icing, leaving finger traces on her cheek. She laughed, trying to take it off but throwing some flour at him. Making sure not to ruin their cake, they fought a little but quickly, Hajime caught up to Kiku and surrounded his arms around her waist, licking and kissing the icing on her cheek, and a little bit everywhere after their fight. She couldn't stop laughing at the tickling sensation and, too happy to keep his thoughts together, he ended up hiding his face in her neck, chuckling as well.

They didn't notice Shouta staring at them from a distance, worry in his eyes.

The birthday party went well, even if Oikawa didn't realize that the spaceship was a spaceship and he assumed that the figure representing him was a Godzilla… but in the end, he was happy, surrounded by his friends and everyone enjoyed the day.

The days went by, filled of practice and studying and nothing particularly spicy happened. Unfortunately…

Despite what had happened between Kiku and Hajime not too long ago, her insecurities slowly came back. She fought it and it wasn't as terrible but before but she still felt down when Hajime didn't show her enough attention. She didn't want to appear as a needy, clingy girlfriend so she kept silent.

One day, though, towards the end of practice, Kiku couldn't help but wrap her arms around him. Hajime looked down at her, surprised by her sudden gesture and glanced around but no one seemed to notice or care.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"…I just wanted to hug you…" She mumbled against his chest.

She hugged him tighter, closing her eyes but he just put his hand on her shoulder.

"We're still at practice," he said.

He pushed her away lightly, barely using any force to not hurt her and she immediately stepped away. She looked up but he walked away, bringing a few papers to Oikawa. No one had seen them hug, or rather no one had seen her hug him so why did he pull away…? Unless he didn't want to hug her…?

She shook her head no, forcing her mind to keep good and positive thoughts. He hugged her often, not everyday, but often enough. He just didn't feel like hugging her today. She was reassured when, as he walked her back home, Makki and Oikawa alongside them, he took her hand and didn't let go. It made her smile and it was the only gesture of love she needed.

But still, in the following days, she couldn't help but try and get a little bit more of him. She'd kiss his cheeks, which always surprised him and sometimes he'd even pull away abruptly, she'd take his hand more often and he usually didn't mind, she'd hug him but more often than not he'd push her away… Every time he acted distant, he'd do something sweet before she could start to overthink but little by little, day after day… it was obvious Hajime didn't want to get physically close to Kiku.

Her worries were cut short when on the week-end, Hajime suddenly asked to come over. But the moment he stepped into her room, despite a kiss on her cheek, he just sat down to study, pointing out a few things he needed her help for. Kiku tried to go along with it but after only a few minutes, she let out a sigh heavy enough to attract his attention.

"You're okay?" He asked, putting down his pencil, frowning lightly in worry.

"J-just don't feel like studying…" She admitted, flushing a little.

"Are you all right? Do you need anything?" Hajime asked.

She didn't answer, just looked away. He either was oblivious to everything she was saying, or he was trying very hard to ignore the obvious signs she was flashing.

"It's very hot today, isn't it?" She continued, straightening up a little and glancing his way.

Hajime stared at her, not understanding the sudden change of topic. He glanced away, cheeks flushing – perhaps he had caught on what she was saying. At long last.

"U-um, yeah… do you… want to…"

His voice trailed off and she blushed suddenly, heart speeding up at once in excitement. Her body already felt hot and bothered just at his adorable flirting and suggesti–

"Do you want to drink something? I could go get you a glass of something fresh…" He continued, avoiding looking at her.

Kiku stared at him in disbelief, annoyance starting to get to her. He must be doing it on purpose, there was no other explication.

"T-thank you…" She answered automatically.

He stood up and hurried outside of her bedroom. She sighed, letting her head rest against the desk then she stood up and let herself fall on her bed, hugging her pillow and facing the wall. She knew she wasn't very desirable but what was it that she was doing wrong?

It can't be that hard to flirt and send signs to her boyfriend that after two months together she wanted to get a little more intimate and touchy-feely. Except a few long kisses and one blowjob they had done absolutely nothing.

Kiku was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear Hajime come back. He threw one glance her way then immediately arrived next to her, sitting on the side of her bed.

"Hey… you're okay?" He asked, letting the back of his free hand against her forehead.

Kiku's eyes widened at the sudden proximity she hadn't seen coming, her cheeks blushing at his tender touch. She turned on her back, realizing he was holding a glass of water and kept his brows furrowed, looking down at her worriedly.

"You're a little warm…" He murmured, making her blush even more, "Perhaps you should relax and take it easy today instead of studying," he said.

She let out a growl and rolled away once again, not believing he dared giving her lesson about relaxing when he spent all of his free time studying for the finals. Hajime didn't understand her reaction but he tapped her shoulder, forcing her to sit up and drink the glass of water. Once satisfied, he put the glass on her night table but before he could move away, Kiku wrapped her arms around his waist, letting her head rest on his shoulder.

Hajime's heart sped up and he didn't react right away but he awkwardly wrapped his arms around her before slowly pulling her closer until his face was hiding in her neck. He didn't react when she started softly kissing his neck, but his heart beat too fast for his thoughts to remain calm.

"U-um, Kiku…" He started hesitantly.

She pulled away, looking up at him with a sigh. Hajime stared into her eyes, seeing the disappointment shining. She was about to move away but he leaned down, kissing her lips softly. Kiku seemed surprised before kissing him back, opening her mouth and cupping his cheeks, both falling back on the bed, tongues entangling.

Hajime swallowed hard before kissing her neck, trying to think of what to do next. Not that he didn't know what to do exactly, but he wasn't sure how far he wanted to go at the moment, despite Kiku who seemed open to any option. His heart was beating so fast, warmth was spreading so quickly through his body that he quickly lost control, letting his desires take over. He closed his eyes, growling a little as he let his lips wander against her neck and shoulder, kissing a little more ardently, biting.

Kiku squealed, jumping whenever she felt the sharp sensation against the soft skin. She felt overwhelmed – even if she wanted them to get to the next step, it was so surprising that she didn't know what to do in return. It only got worse when his hands brushed her thighs before his fingers dug into her sides.

Suddenly, he pulled away, sitting up and moving away from her. Kiku stared at him, stunned by his reaction.

"W-what is it…?" She asked, sitting up as well.

"S-sorry, I shouldn't have… it was…" He mumbled, keeping his back turned to her.

"I-it's fine, it was… it was fine…"

She moved closer to him, surrounding his torso with her arms and kissing the corner of his lips. He kept his jaw tense until she reached his lips, and after a sigh, he kissed her back. Kiku wondered why he seemed so flustered – it wasn't just the embarrassment of touching each other, there was something else bothering him. She just prayed it wasn't because he didn't feel attracted to her. She noticed that he was trying to hide the bulge in his pants with his hands. Kiku moved to kiss him better, sitting on his lap and letting her hands reach his wrists. Was he aroused because he was attracted to her and they were kissing… or was he aroused because he was being touched by a girl regardless of who it was?

Not having the courage to ask him, Kiku pulled away his hands and pulled at his belt and zipper.

"W-wait… K-Kiku…" He called.

His hands weakly tried to pull her away but she leaned down, just like last time.

"S-stop it…"

Kiku moved away, looking up at him with blushed cheeks, biting down on her lower lip.

"Do you… dislike it?" She inquired.

"T-that's not… no…" He answered, too embarrassed to meet her eyes.

"Then why do you want me to stop? I… I just want to make you happy but if you dislike my touch, I won't do anything…" She said, voice trembling a little.

He felt dizzy, biting hard on his lower lip.

"I… I just don't know how to look at you after, it's… it's too embarrassing… I'm not sure… I can do the same for you…" He mumbled.

Kiku stared at him, lips falling open, surprised by his words. Then she swallowed hard at his final words. "I'm not sure I can do the same for you" was it just embarrassment talking or… a real lack of physical attraction?

Kiku swallowed hard, glancing down at her hands joined over her laps.

"It's… it's okay…" She breathed, "I… what do you want me to do…?" She asked.

Hajime swallowed hard, not sure what to do or say. Before he could even think of what he'd want, they heard footsteps getting closer to her bedroom. They jumped on their feet, Hajime quickly pulling his pants back on and both fell on their knees at the low table, pretending to be studying just as the door opened.

"Kiku, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight?" Nanami asked her daughter with a smile.

"U-um… I-I don't… anything you want…" She answered, blushing at the idea that her mother had almost caught them making-out.

"Hajime-chan, do you want to stay for dinner?"

"N-no, t-thanks," he answered, keeping his gaze down at his notebook.

"All right."

Nanami stared at the teenagers for a moment, wondering why they were acting so strange and distant. She shrugged it off and closed the door, both immediately sighing in relief.

"I-it was close…" Kiku muttered, hiding her face against her hands.

"…Which is why we shouldn't have done anything…!" He grumbled, straightening up.

She looked up at him, surprised and a little hurt he'd look so regretful at what had happened. Sure, they had almost been caught but… it had been… nice… right? At least for him, right?

Hajime let out a heavy sigh, quickly gathering his books and putting them all in his bag. Kiku panicked when she saw him pack up.

"W-what are you doing?" She asked with wide eyes.

"I can't focus if you're here, I'll study at my place." He explained, already standing up and going straight for the door.

"W-wait!" Kiu exclaimed, hurrying on her feet and almost falling into his chest.

He turned around, just as she looked up at him, fear evident in her eyes:

"W-what am I doing wrong?" She asked, voice shaking.

Hajime looked down at her, lips falling open, not believing she would think such a thing… He tightened his lips before cupping her cheek, kissing the corner of her lips.

"Absolutely nothing, cupcake. Just… we have to focus on the finals approaching. Then… we'll talk about getting… distracted, okay?"

Kiku looked down but nodded. He kissed her temple then left. She wasn't sure how to feel about this. But it was probably the best way to go: priority to school work, then… they'll talk about it.

After calming her troubled heart, Kiku's insecurities calmed down. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't feel any attraction to her. And it also explained why he seemed so absent-minded, because he was focused on the finals. It'd be over soon and then… it'd be the summer holiday which meant, lots of moments to spend together.

A few days later, after the finals…

"I'll bring the papers to the teachers' classroom, go ahead at practice," Kiku told her boyfriend at the end of class.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

She nodded cheerfully, a bright smile on her face. Reassured by her smile, he smiled as well then went ahead. Kiku quickly brought what their teacher had requested and was on her way to change and join the boys at practice. Most people were already gone to their club activities at this time. So, she was surprised to see three girls waiting in the hall. She tried to ignore them, trying to hurry past them but one of the girls suddenly stepped in front of Kiku, forcing her to a stop.

"Hold on a minute, Akiyama, we've got something we wanted to share with you."

She looked up, not surprised to see Muraki leading the two other girls. As if on cue, Muraki grabbed her arm and forced her in a dark hall, pushing her violently against the wall. Kiku had trouble breathing for a moment after her back hit the wall but she looked back at the three girls blocking her way.

"I kept silent because I had hoped that Iwaizumi-san would find reason or that you'd leave him but… you didn't listen to me when I told you to stay away from him. Instead, what do you do? You ask him out!"

"…Are you trying to intimidate me…?" Kiku asked, frowning a little but trying to avoid the girls' gazes burning with jealousy.

"I don't need to intimidate you because I know that you like Iwaizumi-san and you want him as happy as we want him to be."

Surprised, Kiku stared at Muraki who continued rather calmly:

"You're not good enough for him, everyone can see that so I'll give you one last chance to let him be free. He deserves better so let it go. Be a nice girl and think of him first, okay?" Muraki said with a smile.

"Right… you're not intimidating me… you're threatening me instead." She concluded in a low voice.

Kiku thought back on the obvious lack of attraction from Hajime but… but she couldn't let petty and jealous girls decide of her love life, of her life.

"But I'm not scared of you… I-if Hajime doesn't want of me then, he'll just–"

She didn't see it coming. She heard the harsh sound of the slap before she felt the burning sensation against her cheek. She swallowed hard, eyes wide when she realized that Muraki had just slapped her. Even her two acolytes seemed shocked…

"Don't call him by his first name! You don't deserve it! You don't deserve him! I've been in love with him since Kitagawa Daiichi! I lost weight and I spend almost an hour everyday making my hair and my make-up just so he would notice me! I know him better than you, you have no right to show up and take him from me!" She exclaimed, voice rising and rising until it was almost impossible to understand her words.

Kiku stared, her hand against her warm cheek, still shocked, at Muraki whose eyes were shining with unshed tears. Tears of anger, jealousy and sadness that despite all of her efforts, Iwaizumi had never noticed her but she had noticed tiny, insignificant, antisocial Akiyama Kiku. An overweighted girl, not that pretty, with a messed up past… Why this girl instead of her?!

"No one likes you, no one wants of you, not even your own parents! So don't think that Iwaizumi-san's feelings for you will be strong enough so that you can have a happy ending!" She exclaimed with a sharp voice.

Kiku lowered her head, her hair hiding her expression, bitterly reminded that no one had cared enough for her to stay around. No one but Hajime. She trusted him, he was honest and if he realized that his feelings for her wouldn't be enough, he'd say it. He'd face her. She trusted him, she trusted him, she trusted him, she trusted him, she–

"Just say something! Don't you feel guilty you stole him from us?!" Muraki hissed, suddenly pushing Kiku.

She fell against the wall once again, lips tight to keep herself from crying or cracking. She was too panicked to know what to do at the moment but she knew that violence wasn't the solution. Muraki was broken-hearted and acted that roughly because of her hurt feelings. She pitied Muraki, she wished the girl would find someone to be happy with but… but she loved Hajime too much to let him go so easily just because jealous girls were threatening her.

Kiku looked back at Muraki and the two girls, all three falling silent and stepping away at the gaze burning with determination. It wasn't the shy girl they usually saw– what had happened to her that she'd look at them so vibrantly?

"D-don't look at us like that! Y-you…"

"Oi."

At the sound of the rough voice resonated behind them, the three girls startled, frightened a teacher or someone from the volleyball team had caught them. They turned around, Kiku looking up as well, all four stunned to see who was standing there. They didn't know him, but he was rather tall, with short-cropped blond hair with two stripes running down the sides of his head. Mostly, he wore a threatening expression, a nasty gaze glaring at them. All four girls shivered in fear, mostly the three as he narrowed his eyes at them fiercely.

"Fuck off." He simply said.

Muraki opened and closed her lips, shaking but her two friends glanced between Kiku and the frightening boy and decided to run off. Muraki stared at them, offended, then, she turned towards Kiku.

"Y-you've been warned! A-Akiyama!" She exclaimed before walking off.

The scary boy actually glared at her even sharper and she jumped and started running away.

Kiku swallowed hard before glancing at the boy, grateful he had intervened…

"T-thank you…" She said, straightening up.

He turned his gaze back at her and she startled. He seemed just as angry at her as the three girls previously. Could it be that he wanted to threaten her as well? But then, he huffed and turned away, already walking off as if nothing had happened.

"Nevermind."

Kiku swallowed hard, trying to control her frightened heartbeat… he was scary… but he looked familiar. She couldn't remember from where, though. She just knew he wasn't a third-year but who was he?

Deciding to go to practice before the girls decided to go after her again, Kiku hurried to change and go to the gymnasium.

"You're late, what happened?" Her uncle asked when she showed up, later than usual.

"N-nothing, I had to… bring papers to the teachers…" She explained sheepishly, not wanting him to worry.

He didn't seem convinced, narrowing his eyes at her just as she looked around and decided to change topic:

"W-where is everyone?"

"They went off to a run. Iwaizumi decided it. He seems very frustrated, Oikawa must have done something stupid again. Ah, but it's the finals soon so, it might be why."

He looked up at her, observing closely her expression that seemed a little off.

"You know something?"

Kiku startled and quickly shook her head.

"N-no, I don't know!" She exclaimed before walking away to fill the water bottles.

She used the time washing and filling the water bottles to calm down, both after facing the three girls and her uncle. By the time she was done, the boys were back, all sweaty and whining about the running they had gone to. Kiku brought a water bottle to Hajime who took it gratefully, gulping down the fresh water. She observed him closely but he didn't seem to notice her staring, almost immediately whipping towards Oikawa and screaming at him for some stupidity he just said. He forced the bottle back in Kiku's hands and she looked down at it.

She loved Hajime too much to let jealous girls get in the way or decide for her, she wouldn't let her threats get to her but… but they were right. She really wasn't good enough for someone like Iwaizumi Hajime. And perhaps… he was slowly realizing it too, considering the lack of attention he gave her and how distant he was acting, more and more everyday…

But like always when her insecurities kicked in, Hajime eventually kissed her forehead tenderly at the end of practice and… and she didn't know what to think anymore. Which was why she went to see the only person who could help her out, the person who understood Hajime better than anyone even if it hurt her heart to know that. She knocked at the door, clenching and un-clenching nervously her hands just as it opened.

"Eh? Kiku-chan?" Oikawa asked, surprised, "If you want to see Iwa-chan, I think he went off earlier." He said with a smile.

"I-I'm not here to see Hajime… I'm here for you…"

"Mmm?"

He seemed surprised, tilting his head on a side. She blushed, glancing away before looking up, straight into his eyes:

"Can you help me have sex?" She asked suddenly.

BONUS

[It happened more or less around the same time…]

Iwaizumi was surprised when he saw Marika showing up at his classroom.

"If you're looking for Oikawa, he's not here," he told her.

"Actually…"

She hesitated, fidgeting awkwardly. He knew that things had been tense between the two recently, partly because Marika had participated in the revelation of Kiku's past to the high-school and Oikawa was still pissed off about it (Iwaizumi too, but he tried not to let it show on his face when he saw Marika) and mostly because they kept arguing or something.

"You know Oikawa better than anyone, right?" She asked hesitantly.

"Of course," he answered without hesitation.

Something close to annoyance passed in her green eyes but then, she took a deep breath and stared right into his eyes:

"Do you know if Tooru is cheating on me?" She asked.

Iwaizumi blinked, surprised that such a question would be what she was asking.

"What the hell made you think that? Oikawa has a lot of defaults but he's not a cheater. He'd never do that." He answered, raising an eyebrow.

She seemed hesitant, as if she wanted to add something but then she just thanked Iwaizumi and walked away. Was it him or she had seemed incredibly sad? But imagining Oikawa cheating… it was ridiculous. He had never done that to his girlfriends and he never will. He was trash but a faithful trash.

Still, it wasn't surprising when a few days later, Oikawa showed up at his place, whining about Marika breaking up with him. It was the first time one of his girlfriends broke up with him. Usually it was the other way around, when he'd get tired of the girl, or she'd get too annoying about spending not enough time with him… but this time, Oikawa was angry and a little ashamed his girlfriend had broken up with him. It was weird imagining Oikawa Tooru of all people being dumped but… Iwaizumi kinda felt sorry for both of them. After all, he did neglect Marika and didn't spend much time with her, obsessing with the Spring-High coming up.

"I don't get it! We were good together! Why would she break up with me?! I did spend a lot of time with her compared to the others!" Oikawa kept whining, repeating the same thing for the tenth time already.

Iwaizumi patted his shoulder, wondering if he should share with him what Marika had asked him a few days ago. If he cheated on her. There was no way Oikawa would…

"Perhaps to preserve her dignity?" Iwaizumi said, sounding a little mocking and perhaps trying to figure out if he'd cheat on his girlfriend.

"Iwa-chan!" He whined.

Nope, no way this guy would cheat on his girlfriend. He'd be found out within hours, whether by Iwaizumi or said-girlfriend… Then why would Marika would ask him that? It wasn't new Oikawa wasn't in love with his girlfriends but then, did he like someone else? Iwaizumi almost scoffed at the idea, he'd know it for sure if Oikawa liked someone. But still, he couldn't ignore the feeling that his best friend was hiding something from him…

I don't even remember what happens in this chapter but I hope you liked it! Once again, I don't have time to write anything but don't hesitate to tlel me waht you thought!

Next chapter asap!

Yours Truly,

May