Chapter 16

The following days saw her with a lot to think about. Her feelings were confused on the heels of James's quiet confession that he'd loved her all along, romantically rather than just as a friend. Fortunately, he seemed intent on giving her the time she needed. He acted as if nothing had changed, didn't say a word or even seem to expect any actual decision or change from her, just went on treating her with his usual, friendly affection.

But, for her, everything had changed. She'd had so much to think about and, now that she had thought about it, so much to talk about. She just had to get James alone and...

She laughed at that reflection, since he hadn't exactly been the one doing the avoiding lately. Rather, she'd been constantly finding excuses to be in places she knew he wouldn't be. He was taking it with good grace, though. When they did accidentally run into each other, he'd make a friendly greeting, ask if she needed anything, and then quickly take his leave again, as if casually. He was giving her space. If he felt shy or embarrassed, or anything like it, he didn't let it show.

She was spending a lot of time in the nursery these past few days, even more than she had been before. The baby's presence soothed her and, of course, the baby adored her company, too. Which might have more to do with the fact that Ashley was constantly hungry and always glad for a chance at her mother's breast.

She was there now. The baby had already eaten her fill, obviously, since she barely bothered to suckle properly. But she fussed every time Helen tried to draw her away from her breast, so she just held her close, rubbing her little back and waiting for her to fall asleep. It was so soothing, feeding her little one, felt like the only time she was truly at peace. Not that she was particularly upset when they were apart; it was just better to be close.

"Oh, sorry. I assumed you two must have been done ages ago," James's voice intruded on her reverie.

She looked up, saw him hovering in the doorway, and smiled warmly. She always felt so much fonder of everyone when she was feeding Ashley. "She didn't want to be done. I saw no reason to make her stop."

"You spoil her," he answered with a smile, moving to her side. "May I?" he asked, gesturing to the empty seat beside her.

She nodded, despite having one breast bared, and despite having done her best to avoid him for days now. With Ashley in her arms, it was simply impossible to be worried or anxious. Moving over to make room, she asked quietly, "How have you been?"

"Oh, finding ways to keep busy. I don't know how this estate runs itself in the absence of a master, the number of questions and tasks everyone always has for me when I'm here." He smiled and shrugged, smiling fondly down at Ashley. "And how are the two of you?"

"She's gluttonous."

"She's growing fast," he chuckled, shaking his head and turning his gaze up to her face. "What about you? You've seemed troubled these past days. I apologize if that's my fault."

"I'm not troubled," she sighed, biting her lip. "I've just had a lot to think about."

"But it is my fault?"

"I'm not sure it's fair to assign blame. I was the one who asked about your feelings. You didn't force them on me."

"But I clearly said more than you were ready to hear. It wasn't my intent."

"Do you always think about my feelings to the exclusion of your own?" she sighed, shaking her head. "Oh, James, would you please stop it?"

"You're in a very difficult position. I've never been insensible to the fact. I don't want you feeling pressured to return feelings you don't share."

"I don't feel pressured," she assured him, repositioning Ashley so she could support her with one hand, then bringing the other to rest on his wrist. "You've done the opposite of pressuring or coercing me. You've done such a thorough job of it that I wasn't even sure of your feelings until the other day, you impossible man."

"Now I'm impossible?" he scoffed, shaking his head hard. "I was trying to do the right thing by you, Helen Magnus!"

She winced a little at his vehemence, but could hardly blame him for it. "How have you not been frustrated to death by all this?" she demanded, quietly since Ashley finally seemed to be dozing.

"You're a dear friend. I hardly had the right to expect more. You've always made your thoughts and desires on the subject clear."

"I said that this would be a loveless marriage. I said that we'd make each other miserable," she recalled, biting her lip.

"It was a difficult time for you. You were understandably upset. You had no right to expect a particularly happy marriage, under the circumstances," he noted. "As I said at the time, I'd have been furious in your shoes, not just fearful for the future. If I were you-"

"James, let me talk," she injected gently. "I've been thinking a lot these last few days. There's a lot I need to get off my chest."

"You should put the baby to bed," he suggested slowly. "I know she can't understand, but I'm still not sure that she should be present for this conversation..."

She nodded slowly, settling Ashley in her lap and covering her exposed breast with a soft sigh. "There's no feeling in the world like that one."

"Nourishing life out of your own body? I should think not. I quite envy you the ability."

She bit her lip at that, climbing to her feet and tucking Ashley into bed. "I don't think I want a governess for her, not at all."

"Of course. We'd hardly be the first parents to abstain from hiring someone else to raise our child. We might even enjoy it," he observed with a smile, bending and kissing that beautiful little face. "Mightn't we, little one?"

Ashley cooed softly in answer, eyes not opening.

Chuckling, James drew back, turning to face Helen. "Your study, or mine?"

"Mine, if you don't mind. In case she starts to cry, I want to be able to hear her."

"Of course," he agreed, offering his arm.

Taking it, even though she was well past needing his actual support, she leaned on him just slightly and headed into the adjoining room. He stayed close, silent and wearing a grave expression that made her wonder what he thought she was going to say to him. Which was fair, when she hardly knew herself. Sighing softly, she settled down on her sofa, staring at the fire and considering what her next words should be.

"Helen?" he prompted gently when she didn't say anything for a time.

"Sorry. I just..." She trailed off, clearing her throat. "I've had a lot to think about, James, as you can well imagine."

"I can, of course. But you must know that I don't expect anything from you. I didn't tell you about my feelings in expectation of any change in yours."

"James, I think... my feelings have been changing slowly for some time now. I...see you differently."

He bit his lip at that, expression hesitant. "I do hope you like what you see?"

"You're a good man, James. I'm not sure I ever realized before how kind and loving you are. I'm glad I've been given a chance to find out."

"So am I, Helen," he murmured, looking down. "And I... I want you to understand that I will content myself with your friendship if that's all that's to be on offer."

"I'm not sure it is any more, James. I... this past year has changed a lot of things. You've been so marvellous, and never expected a thing in return."

"One shouldn't do kind things because they want a reward. They should do them to be a good person."

"You've gone well beyond just being a good person in all of this, James. No one would have done what you did, for the reasons you did it. Just because we're friends. It's... you've been so good, so kind. James..."

Not sure what else to say, she leaned over and pressed her lips lightly to his cheek. He made a soft, startled noise in answer, drawing back and staring at her with wide eyes. Swallowing hard, he lifted a hand to her face, tenderly cupping her cheek.

"Darling..."

"James," she answered, smiling and leaning a little shyly into his warm, gentle touch.

"It's a hard thing, I know, to change from not loving a person to coming to care for one. I'm not asking-"

"Hush," she interrupted, pressing a fingertip to his lips. He looked endearingly shocked, but he didn't protest or try to keep talking. "This change has been coming over me gradually. I may need more time," she confessed, clearing her throat, "but probably not so much as you think. I feel like, with time, I could be a real wife to you."

"You're already my wife in all important respects, Helen. You are my friend and my advisor, my confidant and my comfort."

She shook her head faintly at that, not quite making eye-contact. "I'm not naïve, James. I know that there's more any healthy man might like from a marriage."

"I'll never pressure you for that," he answered quickly.

"I know. And that's why, when the time comes, I'll be ready to give it to you freely," she assured him, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips and smiling when she felt him smile in answer.

He looked a bit shy in answer to that, clearing his throat. "I'd like that. I'll never press you but, now that you've said it, I find myself looking forward to the day."

She was looking forward to it herself, truth to be told. She'd spent so much time dreading the prospect of spending the rest of her life in a loveless, asexual marriage. Now she found herself caring for James in a way she wouldn't have considered possible a year ago. There was no reason to suppose her marriage couldn't be everything that a proper marriage should be. She really could have all the things she'd always wanted in a marriage. Maybe the raw, burning passion of her early days with John would be missing, but she was starting to think that those things weren't really necessary to actual love after all. Surely her feelings for James, while more staid, were no less real or meaningful despite the lack of fire.

Perhaps it was as James himself had said. Sexual desire and passion faded with time. Deeper forms of affection endured. And she'd never cared for James on purely physical grounds. It was true that he was a fine-looking man, but she'd always been too busy viewing him as her best friend to really see him in a romantic sense before.

It seemed that theirs would be a backwards-running relationship, one where friendship came first and romance eventually followed. She couldn't help but smile over the idea after all those months of worrying about never having love again. After all, it was James. Of course they would love each other. It would just be, like everything else they did together, a bit non-traditional.