I know it's only been two days since last chapter, but I'm preparing you guys a surprise I hope you'll like~! :3

Thank you to everyone who followed and favorited and reviewed! :D

starrat : I hope you'll like this one as well~!

Aquafin : Sutrggling in a relationship is normal, it's about how you handle it - Kijime is still working on it! ;)

pinkdoughtnuts : Relationships are always complicated! ;) Though, i've been never been in one as well so... I can't really say anything... "

xxXsilverXxx : I'm glad you liked the ending, I really enjoyde writing it! :D It's not over yet, don't worry. The real ending will be when oikawa's fanfic will reach its end. We'll see more of Ayakou and Kijime in Kuroo and Oikawa's stories, all four of my stories are entwined, which makes it so interesting! ;) I honestly don't know how painful Kuroo and Oikawa's stories will be but after Sowlmates and Quiet Voice, I think you can handle anything! XD

FANFICTION

HAIKYUU! : QUIET VOICE

CHAPTER XLVIII : Unbalanced

"I want to be first. I know that's selfish, and maybe unattainable, and maybe shallow. But I just want to come first with someone. If that's wrong of me, so be it. I'll be wrong. But that's the way I feel."

— Charlaine Harris, From Dead to Worse

"She loved you, you know. You were the best friend she's ever had."

— Katherine Paterson

"I don't fear falling in love. I fear falling in love with the wrong soul."

— Unknown

"I only want you to love me in a way that my sadness will be something that will make you stay, not leave."

— Unknown

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

— Arthur Miller, The Ride Down Mt. Morgan

"Perhaps there could be no joy on this planet without an equal weight of pain to balance it out on some unknown scale."

― Stephenie Meyer, The Host

"There is no such thing as work-life balance. Everything worth fighting for unbalances your life."

― Alain de Botton

"Love is never supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery, to make living fucking worthwhile."

― Mia Asher, Arsen: A Broken Love Story

"No. No break. We don't need a break. I'm not perfect, but I get it. I can't see you run away from me again. So we stop this. We're all in, because there is no other option for me. You're my mate. You're it for me. You have to trust me."

― Aileen Erin, Becoming Alpha

"People like to say love is unconditional, but it's not, and even if it was unconditional, it's still never free. There's always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy unless you are… I just don't want that responsibility."

― Katja Millay, The Sea of Tranquility

"I care," he said in a trembling voice. "I care so much that I do not know how to tell you without it seeming inconsequential compared to how I feel. Even if I am distant at times and seem as if I do not want to be with you, it is only because this scares me, too."

― Aimee Carter, The Goddess Test

"Nice kill, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa exclaimed, their other teammates echoing him.

Iwaizumi glanced towards Kiku who was taking notes of everyone's results but when their eyes met, she turned around and went to take notes about the other match going on. He sighed while Oikawa glanced between the two. Their behavior had been strange since the morning, barely glancing at each other, but Iwaizumi refused to say anything and he didn't have time to interrogate Kiku. Last night, Iwaizumi came back from the bathroom but didn't say anything and went straight into his futon, pretending to be on his phone and to be still angry at them. But it was obvious that he wasn't angry anymore, at them at least, and that he was mostly disturbed by something that had happened with Kiku. Before they could pester him about it, though, Mizoguchi had come to ask them to turn off the lights and within minutes, Iwaizumi had turned off his phone and fallen asleep. Since the morning, he's avoided answering any questions concerning Kiku and he seemed very keen on spiking the balls with all of his might.

The rest of the practice went on as usual, Iwaizumi and Kiku not sharing a single word, barely glancing at each other. Everyone could tell something had happened, but no one dared asked either anything – mostly because the only ones who would dare ask their Ace couldn't interrupt practice. They all hoped the couple would eventually get over whatever had happened on their own, but when the hours turned into an entire morning, and then an afternoon and then the whole day…

"Where are you going?" Oikawa asked Kiku when the third-years entered the cafeteria to have dinner, after taking their baths last considering they had remained behind to over practice.

He was surprised to see her walk the opposite way when everyone had just entered the cafeteria and more than half the team still wasn't served.

"I'm going to take my bath while everyone is gathered here," she answered.

"Aren't you eating?" Iwaizumi asked, turning around.

His friends stared when the couple stared at each other – these were the first words he had told her in the day.

"I already ate before everyone arrived," she answered, turning away.

He watched her leave and finally, looking down at the floor, he walked towards the trays of food. Until he stopped and turned back towards his friends who hadn't moved:

"What is it? Aren't you going to eat?" He asked them, blinking.

"…Okay, I didn't say anything all day because I thought you were just busy or awkward with whatever had happened yesterday… but what happened between you two?" Makki finally asked.

Iwaizumi opened his lips, glancing away and not knowing what to answer:

"Did you argue with Kiku-chan?" Oikawa asked, raising an eyebrow.

"N-not really… but… we just…"

His voice trailed off and the others gasped, opening wide eyes:

"Don't tell me you're taking a break?!" Mattsun exclaimed, shocked the couple would suddenly break off because of whatever had happened last night.

"No! Yes… maybe? I don't know…" Iwaizumi mumbled, looking down and frowning at himself.

Makki kept his lips thin, suddenly feeling guilty – whatever had happened between Kiku and Hajime had happened because he had stolen her clothes. If he hadn't done that, they wouldn't have argued and they'd still be together, being sickeningly adorable and always sparkling.

"I-I'm sorry…" He started, feeling a little awkward.

"It's not you. It's not even because of what you did… not really, it's just me…" He mumbled, grabbing a tray of food that Mizoguchi was handing him then walking away.

His friends followed him and they all sat down at a table to start eating but their focus was on Iwaizumi who just pushed around the food on his plate with his chopsticks, occasionally munching a little but not feeling hungry for some unknown reason.

"What happened exactly?" Oikawa asked, watching his reaction closely.

"…I told her something that sounded awful and I didn't want to. I always mess up and end up hurting her…" He admitted, looking down in shame.

They realized that Iwaizumi wanting to protect Kiku, and not hurt her, wasn't just about his physical desire for her and losing control. He was scared to make a mistake that would hurt her feelings, or her body. He probably worried he might leave a scar on her skin or her heart. Almost breaking her heart until they confessed, messing up their first date, not daring to touch her and reveal his desire for her… He loved her so much and he was so protective of her that he didn't bear the idea of hurting her in any way, but it only made things harder and more awkward. Until now he had mostly made mistakes – in his point of view, at least. He always tried fixing them, but the mistakes had been done anyway.

"It's not true at all, Iwa-chan, you did a lot to help her out! Kiku-chan is so happy since you're together, there's no way she'd hold it against you! You might not show her much attention but she knows you're shy, and she's shy too, she respects that! As long as the two of you are happy, there's nothing to worry about! No reason to hold back!" Oikawa exclaimed with a confident smile.

Iwaizumi looked up at him, thinking deeply about his friend's words but it didn't feel right. For once in his life, Iwaizumi wasn't understood by Oikawa, or anyone else. For the first time, he didn't feel like his best friend really understood him or knew what to say to comfort him.

"I think she does hold it against me, actually…" He mumbled, frowning lightly to himself.

"Well, if you consider it from her point of view, I can understand why she'd be a little annoyed at you." Matsukawa intervened, the Ace glancing up at him curiously, "I mean, you've been dating for over two months and you didn't touch her once. You barely show her love, and yeah, the two of you are shy, but there's no reason to be shy when you're all alone. So of course, eventually her insecurities would overwhelm her."

Iwaizumi shook his head, holding back an annoyed click of his tongue.

"It's not just about her insecurities but…!"

"You can't afford being in a relationship with me." She had said.

Hajime looked down, biting down on his lower lip hard. He knew that Kiku was insecure about her body and herself, and he had hoped that his words a few weeks ago had comforted her enough so she wouldn't worry about his desire for her. Even if he had held back everything and haven't tried anything ever since. But these last few days, he had been even more aware of how he felt for her, not just his feelings of love, but his desire. Being in a calm, quiet relationship with Kiku gave him peace, he felt like he could control it all. But his lust? He had never felt this way about anyone before and he had no idea what to do about it. Worse, even since last night when she had told him these words, he couldn't stop thinking about it. What did she mean by he couldn't "afford"? What did it mean for her to be in a relationship? What did it even mean to be in a relationship anyway?

He had always assumed that someday, he'd find a cute girl he'd fall in love with calmly, with luck she'd like him back and they'd start a normal, slowly evolving relationship. But his story with Kiku was so different – they had already gone through so much, there had been so many tears just because of her past. It was as if instead of going from step one to step two and more, they had directly jumped into the step ten of their relationship – emotionally speaking. But when it came to the other side of the balance? The physical relationship? They were still stuck at step one. They hadn't been able to balance it all, not in time before they'd fall off and break.

"What is it about, then?" Hanamaki asked.

Reminded of his friends watching him worriedly, Iwaizumi glanced up, opening his lips to answer this question… and ask them what it meant to be in a relationship. They all had more experience about dating than he did, obviously. But he closed his lips. He couldn't ask them this. Not that he didn't trust what they thought was right, or that they wouldn't answer to him, they would probably help him out because as annoying as they could be at times, they were his friends. But they all dated for the sake of it, to show up with a girlfriend at their arms, having sex and doing everything everyone expected of popular guys such as them. Sometimes they had a crush on their girlfriends, or felt more, but it never seemed to be enough for the relationship to last. Between Hajime and Kiku, it was different… there was no doubt that before dating, they were in love but then, whose help was he supposed to seek?

Oikawa has never fallen in love because he never gave himself the opportunity; Hanamaki laughed at the idea of love pretending he didn't care despite his own insecurities holding him back; Matsukawa now shrugged it off after being cheated on by his first girlfriend but he still looked uncomfortable when it came to how he truly felt.

Hajime was head over heels for Kiku, she was his light of happy sunshine, he went to sleep dreaming of her smile and woke up impatient to hear her laugh. How could his friends understand the depth of his feelings for her when he could barely grasp the notion of it? Undying, endless, devoted love.

His attention was attracted by Yahaba who stood up and brought his tray of empty plates over then left the cafeteria, followed by some second-years. Several other players started standing up, done with their dinner and about to go to their respective rooms. Everyone would start spreading and walking around within the high-school building. Iwaizumi wasn't done with his dinner now cold. He had to hurry so the regulars could discuss about another tactic they should try out the following day against the alumni of Aoba Jousai. But all he could think of was Kiku. Kiku eating dinner alone and taking her bath alone, all so Hanamaki, and no other idiot, would go and bother her like the previous night.

Suddenly standing up, his friends, who were still waiting for an answer, watched him with big eyes.

"I-Iwa-chan, your dinner–"

"Not hungry anymore, you can finish it," he mumbled, pushing away his chair.

"But you barely ate anything! Where are you going?!" Oikawa exclaimed.

Iwaizumi pretended not to hear, hurrying through the halls until he reached the bathroom. There was still light, which meant someone was using it. He opened the first door and heard the sound of water from the baths. It was quiet, and Kiku's clothes were on a side. He sighed in relief, now knowing that Kiku was safe and no one had gone to bother her. He closed the door but sat down in front of it, to make sure Hanamaki or anyone wouldn't pull a bad joke on her anymore. He watched out until he heard Kiku changing clothes through the door, then he stood up and left before she'd find him here. He didn't realize that Oikawa, Hanamaki and Matsukawa had followed him and observed what he was doing. They glanced at each other, not quite understanding what was going on with their Ace. It seemed like more than a banal argument between lovers, but he refused to talk and they had no idea how to help.

Iwaizumi walked around a little, to clear his head then went back into the sleeping quarters, finding the rest of the regulars in a circle, around Oikawa who was showing them some videos and plans.

"Ah, Iwa-chan!" He called, "Do you mind helping me out? You're the one who found this tactic the other day!" He exclaimed.

Iwaizumi sat next to him and they discussed the plans until Oikawa's phone rang.

"Ah, it's Ayaka-san! I have to answer!" He exclaimed apologetically, standing up to answer to this phone call.

He went off, leaving the rest of them to disperse into their futons, everyone tired after the hard training and the time spent thinking about tactics. Iwaizumi glanced at the door where Oikawa had gone…

Kanemoto Ayaka, the heiress of the Kanemoto group that would sponsor them both, was currently busy with her own summer training camp with the Fukurodani Academy's Group. Her boyfriend, Bokuto Koutarou, was a top five spiker and the Captain of a top school of Tokyo. Thanks to her, Iwaizumi had gotten in touch with him, to discuss Ace-things and volleyball training regiment. He was a nice guy, so in love with Ayaka that it seemed to annoy everyone around. But if he felt half as much love for Ayaka, as Hajime felt for Kiku… perhaps…

Knowing that everyone was too tired or distracted to ask him anything, Iwaizumi went under his futon, pretending to go to sleep and sent a hesitant, awkward message to Bokuto. It took a few minutes, but he got an answer:

I don't really get it but if you're asking me what it means to be in a relationship with a girl you like then it's EVERYTHING! I don't think there's a meaning or a definition or whatever that comes with it, it's not rational, it's about how you feel, both of you! If you love each other and are honest to one another and trust each other, your relationship will only grow stronger! As long as my Ayaka is happy, I'm happy too but if I'm unhappy about something I'll tell her, and she'd do the same with me. I understood that you want to keep your girl safe, but safe doesn't mean happy. Happiness is the most important thing!

Hajime was deeply thinking about all of these words but before he could thank him, he received another message from Bokuto:

At least, that's what I think!

And then another:

Did I tell you that my Ayaka is the best thing that happened in my life? She's so beautiful and intelligent and incredible! She's talented and knows so much! She's so kind too! She's even helping out these rivals of yours – Karasuno! And you know, her eyes are the most beautiful part of her! And–

Hajime stopped reading the passionate declaration of love, thanking the wing-spiker who was back in Tokyo, then they switched to a conversation on volleyball and their respective training camps.

"Safe doesn't mean happy. Happiness is the most important thing!"

Eventually, Hajime fell asleep still holding his phone, his dreams haunted by Kiku. Rather than just Kiku, flashbacks of the last few weeks… she had smiled and laughed with him but in his memories she kept looking away sadly, disappointed. The same way she had looked at him when he had snapped. Or maybe it was just his mind tricking his memories. He didn't know anymore when he woke up in the middle of the night, still holding his phone. The lights were off, everyone was asleep and Hajime didn't remember the last thing before falling asleep. He checked the time, eyes almost crying at the sudden and bright light from his phone screen.

He turned around and stared at the ceiling, thinking back on Kiku and his memories-filled dream.

"You can't afford being in a relationship with me."

Despite Bokuto's advices, he still had no idea what she had meant by these words. Or rather, he had an idea but didn't want to acknowledge it. It'd hurt his pride too much.

Stomach growling suddenly, he realized he was hungry – he had barely eaten at dinner, and now he was feeling the entire time of practice using his muscles. Too hungry to fall back asleep, he grabbed his wallet and quietly exited the room, going to the vending machines. It was too late for Mizoguchi to watch out but if he'd get caught, he'd just tell he had needed to eat something – which was, technically, true. What Hajime didn't expect was to find someone else at the vending machines, sitting on the floor, lit up by the light from the vending machine. He blinked just as Kiku looked up, stunned to see someone else wandering around so late at night.

"Ki… Kiku…" He started, approaching slowly, "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?" He asked.

She lifted up a water bottle from her side.

"Same as you," she answered, glancing at his wallet.

"Right… I'm… um, I'm a little hungry…" He said.

As if on cue, his stomach growled, impatient to get some food. He hid his embarrassment by hurrying towards the vending machine, quickly buying some cereals bar, but cursing the loud sound it made, resonating in the silent night.

"After all the food you all ingest at dinner, it's shocking you'd still be hungry…" Kiku murmured, thinking back on the amount of food she had to prepare everyday.

"I… didn't eat much…" He answered.

She stared at him, with this gaze he didn't quite understand. The fascinating, mysterious expression she did, that reminded him so much of Oikawa when he was analyzing people. One of the first traits he had noticed about Kiku. Unlike Oikawa who observed people to understand them and bring out the best of them; Kiku observed people quietly, in order to understand what she should do to bring out the best of herself. She didn't realize she was already perfect as she was…

"Are you feeling sick?" She asked, straightening up a little, worry appearing in her eyes despite the low light.

Hajime bit on his lower lip and sat down on the floor, back against the wall the same way she did, but there was too much distance separating them to his tastes. She seemed to notice it as well, to dislike it as well, but they didn't comment on it.

"I don't think so," he answered, staring at his cereal bar without opening it.

"You can't afford being in a relationship with me."

He glanced at Kiku but she didn't look at him, like she had done all day. He had never realized how much he needed her attention on him – he didn't usually appreciate anyone's attention on him but when it was Kiku, it felt good. Knowing she watched him made him feel more peaceful, less frustrated. He knew that as long as she watched him, if he glanced around he'd immediately find her gaze and he'd be filled with warmth.

"Does it bother you?" Kiku asked, breaking the silence between them.

"Eh?"

She put down her chin on top of her knees, glancing his way. Her blue eyes were the only things he could see in the mid-darkness, with the light of the vending machines they seemed to stand out even more than usual.

"What I told you yesterday… even if no one noticed that you were acting not quite like yourself, I noticed that you were lost in your mind all day. I… I've observed you for a long time, after all…" She said with a little smile, sounding a little sad.

She noticed… of course she noticed… He thought, lips falling open.

Oikawa might be the one who knew him better than anyone. But Kiku understood him better than anyone.

"It does… I-I tried to figure out what you meant but… it just keeps confusing me…" He admitted, turning and approaching her a little to have a better look at her face.

"You didn't figure it out… of course you didn't…" She murmured, voice smothered by her own knees.

"I just– don't accuse me of being entirely responsible because you didn't tell me anything about how you felt! I get it that I'm an idiot when it comes to things of love, and inexperienced when it comes to dating but so are you–"

"I didn't tell you how I felt?! I told you about my insecurities, about my scars! I-I didn't stop sending you signs but you ignored them! You can't say I didn't try to reach out for you but you… you just…!"

Kiku threw her hands to the ceiling and he growled, letting his head fall against the wall:

"I get it, you were frustrated and I didn't catch on in time! I was too embarrassed to act on how I felt and I messed up! I'm sorry okay?!"

"You don't even realize what you're talking about, you're just apologizing because it's the right thing to do!" She exclaimed.

He turned to her, lips falling open in shock:

"Well yes! It's the right thing to do because I don't want to… to keep messing up! What the heck did you mean I can't afford to be in a relationship with you, anyway?!"

"Because you don't act like you're in a relationship with me!" She hissed.

"I kiss you and I hold your hands! You're the first girl I've dated in… in forever!" He exclaimed.

"But nothing changed, nothing evolved! You act with me today the same way you acted with me on day one! At this point it's not even going slow, it's refusing to move at all!"

"You can't say that– I've– I just! I didn't think it'd go this way! I didn't think it'd turn out like that! I didn't plan for things to be like that a-and our relationship, I didn't want it!" He exclaimed.

Hajime stopped breathing, immediately regretting his words. Kiku stared at him, lips falling open. He covered his mouth but she stood up, he followed her, feeling panic and despair fill his veins:

"W-wait! Kiku, I didn't mean it like that! I didn't, I swear!" He exclaimed, catching up to her.

He tried to take her hand but she pulled it away from him, so he moved until he was in front of her and before she could run away, he grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to a stop to look into her eyes.

"Please… I… I'm sorry… I just keep saying the wrong words…" He murmured, angry at himself for being so stupid.

She had a sad laugh, looking down.

"Not always… you always find a way to make me feel alive with just a few well-chosen words…" She murmured, thinking back on the times he had called her "beautiful".

Hajime must have thought back on it as well, but silence hung between them. Until Kiku looked up at him, her eyes glossy with unshed tears, but filled with something incredibly soft, despite her sad smile.

"I understand Hajime… what you meant by these words. I didn't want of our relationship either. I didn't think it'd turn out this way, I didn't plan for things to be this way. I've been in love with you from afar and I never thought you'd notice me and then… then… everything that happened between us was beautiful and I started dreaming and I think you did too but reality caught up with us and now… we're… I-it just doesn't feel right anymore, it just feels…"

Her voice trailed off and he closed his eyes, sighing deeply.

"It feels unbalanced…" He whispered.

She looked back at him, nodding lightly. He spoke up again:

"We moved too fast in our relationship–"

"We didn't move at all–" She cut, exasperated he didn't get it.

"We moved too fast on the emotional aspect of our relationship!" He insisted, making her look at him curiously, "After I realized my feelings for you, after I learned what had happened to you it… it made me feel so… you trusted me with your deepest fears and it honored me and I've always wanted to keep you safe, even more after learning what had happened to you. And I know you're strong and you don't need me in your life, but… but… I might… someday… I might need you more than I need myself or anyone else and it scares me so much…!"

He let out a heavy breath, realizing that all along it had been what had been freezing his heart. It had been what he had been afraid to admit and if he was scared, he couldn't afford to move forward because it'd only get scarier.

Balancing the other aspects of their relationship, getting intimate, it'd mean making it real. Making it real meant he might get so attached to her he couldn't imagine his life without her. Just thinking of being that dependent of someone else's life, of Kiku's life, a life so fragile, frightened him.

Kiku stared at him, stunned by his words, just as much as he was, but he looked back at her and continued:

"After I learned what had happened to you, Oikawa told me that this trust, you sharing your past with me, and me accepting it all… he said that it had bounded us more than years of dating could have done and he's right. Which is why our relationship is so… so true when it comes to the depth of our feelings. But the other aspects of our relationship… we didn't– I didn't keep up." He admitted, started to trembled a little, "Because I was scared…"

He paused, taking a shaky breath in, unable to meet her gaze:

"Admitting how much I… how much I love you…"

They both held their breaths when he finally said "I love you" but before Kiku could react to it, he continued, a blushing mess, an awkward stammer escaping his lips:

"Admitting how much I love you and how much I care, how much I'm scared, means facing everything that comes with dating you. It means accepting that I am so desperately in love with you and I might never feel this way for anyone else in my life and I don't even want to because I-I know that you're the one for me. You make me happy and feel warm and full of life a-and… I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But you might not feel the same for me, you might want someone else later in your life, and with what has happened to you, you might…"

Hajime looked down, voice breaking down. He clenched his fists tightly. He didn't say outloud the words they both knew resonated in his heart, in both of their hearts. The real fear that had been plaguing his mind. Ever since he had learned about her past, ever since his father had told him it wouldn't be easy dating her, ever since… he had experienced the depth of his feelings and ever since he had seen her scars and kissed them…

You might leave me forever… He finished to himself.

If he accepted his feelings and everything that came with it, it meant accepting he might one day be unable to save Kiku from herself. He wouldn't bear to live with himself if it were the case. The fear that this day might come was haunting him.

Kiku's fingers brushed his fists and he looked up, surprised to see her smiling softly. She caressed his hands until he relaxed, unclenching his fists and opening his palms so their fingers would entwine.

"I know all of that…" She whispered, making his heart miss a beat in shock she'd know, "And I understand what it'd cost you to be with me… especially… if you want us to spend the rest of our lives together… I know that it's scary, dealing with me, and my scars that… might never fully heal."

Not just the scars of her back he'd see on a daily basis, but the scars on her heart that were still bleeding from times to times.

"Which is why I'm asking you to take the time to decide whether or not you want to be with me. Not just as a high-school lover, but think of… the future, whether or not you are willing to take the risk to be with me for years if you'll still love me by then. I know how I feel for you, and I know how much I'm willing to do for you, but the one who has to take the most risks is you. I don't have anything to lose, but you do so… please, think of it… of us… carefully. Take your time. Focus on the training camp, take days, weeks, months if necessary, and then tell me… tell me if you're willing to overcome your fears and trust me with my own life."

She went on her tiptoes, kissing his cheek tenderly before turning around and leaving him for the cold silence of the night. His hands trembled, suddenly feeling cold without her warm touch. The silence was smothering him without the comfortable quiet of them.

He thought back on what his father, and Kiku's father, had both told him when he had wanted to be in a relationship with her.

"I don't want you to have any illusion that with Kiku you'll have a good and happy relationship, however long it might last."

"When life has been cruel to you, you have to carry it in your heart and continue life but this burden drags you down, it slows you down… Kiku probably wants to protect you, she doesn't want you to feel this burden, but she also cares for you the way she had never cared for anyone before… Figure out if you're willing to share this burden with her."

Now more than ever, Hajime understood what his father had warned him about, what Shouta had meant with these words… He understood and he knew and a part of him was still scared, and another still wanted to be with Kiku, but… but…! Kiku was still trying to protect him. Even now, even if she could just pretend they were happy, she's putting his happiness first even if it'd mean she wouldn't be a part of his life. He had no right to let his fears get in the way of her happiness… But he was still scared and he still didn't know what to do…

Would he be strong enough to share this burden with her?

The following day…

Hajime glanced at Kiku as she walked past the table where he was sitting, with the other third-years, plus Kindaichi and Yahaba who were all playing cards. Lunch was done but they were taking some time off to relax and digest before going back to practice.

Noticing his stare, Makki grinned while Oikawa quickly leaned to look at the cards his friend was holding.

"Oi, Kiku, join us to play!" Hanamaki exclaimed.

Iwaizumi turned towards him with big eyes but caught sight of Oikawa before he could escape him.

"Oi!" He exclaimed, glaring, but Oikawa pretended he was innocent.

"Ah, sorry, I have to finish cleaning," Kiku answered with a smile.

"Leave it for another time and have some fun! You're always off doing something else when we have time to relax and have fun!" Mattsun exclaimed.

"Once I'm done, I'll join you," she said, escaping the cafeteria to go into the kitchen and finish cleaning everything.

"Perhaps we should help her out…" Iwaizumi said, staring at her from afar, doing the last dishes, "She's always working hard to relieve the duties off the first-years and Mizoguchi…"

"If you want so badly to spend time with her, just go," Makki said, putting down a card on the pile, making a few gasp around because he was about to win.

Iwaizumi glanced at him then lowered his gaze at his cards without really looking at them. He hadn't told anyone what had happened the previous night, partly because they didn't have time, and mostly because… he wasn't sure what he was supposed to share. It had been a discussion between Kiku and him, and even if he felt a little confused, he didn't want to share it with anyone else. He knew how he felt for her, but he couldn't ignore the fear anymore. He wanted to trust Kiku, to believe she wouldn't make a mistake but… but… what if he failed at some point in their relationship? What if he kept messing up and she felt so unhappy she'd end it? He wanted her happy, but how could he be certain? She was so good at smiling and putting up a face, she could fool him. Or maybe he just hadn't observed her closely enough.

Unconsciously, his eyes glanced in her direction once again, catching sight of Kiku pulling her hair backwards while she was leaning against the counter. Her lips were so inviting, her neck so–

"Iwaizumi, your turn," Hanamaki said.

He startled and threw the first card he got on the pile.

"Come on, you're not even trying!" Hanamaki whined.

Iwaizumi realized that he had just lost. He let down the rest of the cards and shrugged, watching the rest of their game in silence, his mind wandering off. He glanced once again at Kiku but she was gone from the kitchen. Cheek against the palm of his hand, he tried to get into the mood with the others, but he couldn't bring himself to really enjoy it, even when Oikawa lost against Kindaichi. Hajime was smiling, but it didn't quite reach his eyes and he couldn't laugh, not the way he usually did. They all noticed it but no one said anything, knowing that if he needed to, he'd come to them to talk. The coaches didn't notice anything as his results at practice were the same as usual, even better from times to times.

It was only during the afternoon break, sitting down and drinking water that Hajime realized why he felt so down and empty.

He glanced at Kiku talking with Irihata and Mizoguchi and his heart sped up a little to see her smiling.

Aaah… I miss her… He realized.

It was stupid because he felt sad but in the same time, he couldn't help but smile lightly, looking down at the ground. Their relationship might have been a little unbalanced, but he was the one feeling unbalanced when she wasn't here to make him smile.

The surprise will arrive soon! Also i can announce that oikawa's girl will make an appearance very soon! :3

NEXT CHAPTER : ANCHOR

Yours Truly,

May