This story will be a slow burn to help me stay alive until Ep. IX - I had this chapter prepared for some time now, and so - here it is.
He should really fall in love with Kay. She is fierce, loyal, pretty, a damn good officer and in love with him – although she doesn't let it show, he knows. They both know.
But, no – his convoluted brain and his damaged heart must roam and go someplace else, find the most difficult and impossible task in the universe, lock on it and try to conquer it. But she is no Starkiller Base and matters of the heart are not a cockpit.
And there is the age difference, although his love sickness makes him as foolish as a 4th grader.
Poe waits for Rey in the corridor stretching from the landing dock to the make-shift Resistance headquarters. They are on rations, but he noticed she appears paler and weaker even when compared to Crait, so he steals another portion (privilege of a General, first time he ever used one) and waits for her with it.
He wants her to know that he doesn't condemn her... although, in a way, he does. He can't trust Ben Solo-Kylo Ren or whoever that man is. His natural mistrust of the Jedi and his fresh memory of the torture he endured stand in the way. No one with that sort of power can be stable, and this man was turned to the Dark Side a long time ago. He remembers very well when everything fell to pieces. He remembers Leia, running frantically to the first X wing, trying to go there herself and to retrieve her son. He remembers how he stopped her from flying to her death and how she slapped him, blind with tears and with grief. „He is my son, Poe!" her scream still lingers in his memory. „My boy, my son – let go of me!" He suffered his own mother's death with the same intensity. She was alone and broken – her New Republic was all but gone, even her political apprentices, people she trusted and whom she trained to replace her, have betrayed her and sold their talents and their knowledge to the First Order. And as if that wasn't enough, her own son fell to the Dark Side. She was the toughest, bravest, fiercest woman he has ever met, and he has met a few in his life.
„He is my son, can't you see it?"
No, he can't. He really can't. Who knows what he would have done to his own mother once he was made the Master of the Knights of Ren. The whole galaxy knows what he did to his own father later on.
But her smile dissipates all his grudges. It is maddening, but he lets her do it.
„Hey," he gives her the boxed lunch. „Complimentary pack for the newlyweds."
He tries to sound aloof, but his bitterness obviously just drips from his words because she stops and frowns.
„You misunderstood Satine," she says, instinctively curling the fingers of her left hand under the box. „Don't give much heed to different prophecies, Poe. They're always ambiguous... and uncertain allies."
„Still," he says, wanting to bring this out in the open since he already made that blunder. „It was enough for the entire Nite Owls squadron to come and join our ranks."
They let a group of chattering Sullustan pilots pass by. Poe greets them nervously, and then gestures at Rey to follow him to their dormitory, now empty.
„Look, Rey," he starts matter-of-factly, then stops. „Kid, take that and eat something. You're all skin and bones."
She complies, and it is a precedent.
„Look," he tries to be as mild as possible. „I won't say I understand this – any of this. We're just chasing and running around like fathiers, and I won't fool you and say I have some sort of a plan. I don't. I'm surprised we made it alive this far. And I can't lie; the man really helped us on Utapau. He saved an entire city and gods know how many more, with „Nephallactis" gone. But what if this is all part of his agenda? Make you trust him, and then turn you somehow to his own cause? I remember it well – Leia told me his descent was a gradual one. What if he does the same this time, with you? What if he used you as a diversion to kill Snoke? What if he let you leave Crait only so he could have you later, when you're sufficiently broken, alone, and... hungry?"
She was ravenous, but she hears every single word he said. And her honest, wide face tells him she was reflecting on the same things herself.
But she has a sort of resolve he doesn't have. She loves the man, gods know why.
„Poe," she says softly, eating away last remaining bites of her food. „I understand your concern. I really do. And the last thing I want is to put all of this in danger. To put our friendship in danger."
Oh, friendship. He tolerated Kylo Ren's torture better than this.
„I was alone all of my life and the Resistance is like a family to me," she says with child-like honesty that is both maddening and disarming. „I would never risk any of you for some... misguided cause."
„And if it comes to a choice – Resistance or him, what would you choose?" He practically yells and the old metal around him trembles. He is startled by his own passion, but has to go through with this. „What would you do?"
Rey opens her mouth, and then closes. Mist of tears in her eyes. But she shook her head.
„It will not come to that," she says decidedly. „He has been turned. He is no longer on the Dark Side."
„He once was on the Light Side of the Force, and then he turned," Poe continues, exasperated. „What makes you think it won't happen again, huh?"
Poe hoped his ring would set the matters straight, only if she could see everything the way she should – the way he wanted her to. What's more appropriate for a Resistance fighters' wedding than another Resistance fighter's wedding band?
„Poe," she says, slowly. „This whole Rebellion is built on faith and hope. Look at us. We have nothing. We have a few stolen ships, a battered Nite Owls squadron and 98 people. We can all get cramped together into „Falcon". What keeps us together are faith and hope."
And love, he'd say, but restrains himself. Enough of this sentimentality, he thinks. Time for the harsh reality to set in.
„Rey," he says and sighs. „Let it be the way you want it. But I warn you. If he relapses – again – you'll have to choose. You can't have both worlds. You can't have your Dark Side – Light Side family and the Resistance. We're common folks; we don't meddle with things beyond our reach. And for all of our sakes, I hope you don't, too."
To his utter amazement, she nods. There is a grim expression on her face, a sort of expression that tells him she is not completely crazed with love. She knows her risks. Her love must be a truly deep and remarkable one when she accepted to carry that sort of burden around.
He'd do anything to be loved like that.
He hates his new role of a General. He hates it thoroughly, but carries on with it for Leia's sake. Gods know what she saw in him, what kind of a leadership potential. Because, for now, he's worse than an impotent, middle-aged dad.
Kay rescues him from his self-loathing.
„Everything alright, General?" She asks, her bright warm eyes inspecting his face. Probably the wrinkles and the new gray hair. Damn it, he thinks, I'm old.
„Don't call me that," he says and makes a weak attempt to smile. „Not you. Call me Poe."
Rey finds herself tossing and turning in her bed without any prospect of sleep coming to her any time soon. She left Ben and the few droids (Bee Bee Ate included) to try and salvage the TIE silencer. They made a silent agreement not to spend too much time together. Or not spend any time together at all; feeling it would be too impious. But she is restless either way. She has a looming, unnerving feeling he'll just slip through her fingers, from Ben Solo to Kylo Ren again or to something worse this time, and this feeling is even more intense after the exchange she had with Poe. On top of it all, she remembers Dagobah and still has strong suspicions he didn't tell her everything. He told her all that she needed to know and, as he promised some time ago, while she was his prisoner on Starkiller Base, he didn't lie. Not once.
She smiles faintly at their impossible connection. The Force truly has its own strange ways.
And before the rational decision even settles in her mind, her feet hit the ground and she finds herself gliding down the dormitory, between the sleepy fighters. She strides down the long corridors and sends just a weak hum of the Force in her way to avert any curious over-looker.
He's still awake and the buzzing of the electric chips informs her he is nowhere near the solution.
The sight of his wide back and his unruly hair falling to his shoulders makes her blush. For a moment, he is not aware of her presence and she is irresistibly drawn to entangle that hair, and to push his head up to hers and...
„Kira," he says, her true name escaping from his lips like common knowledge. No one has known her the way he does.
„I couldn't sleep," she utters, and it's only partly true. She wants to see him. She doesn't want to spend any minute more without seeing him. Being so close to him, and not talking to him, is a tortuous reason for her insomnia, although she's physically so worn out and tired she could otherwise sleep for days on end.
At least talking to him, she thinks.
"No one has called me that in ages," she says and smiles, sitting back.
"Do you prefer Rey, then?" He says, trying all the while to bypass two electrical panels. But it backfires. He flinches and a dozen of electrical sparks fly buzzing in left and right, scorching his clothes on their way.
He makes all the effort not to show any pain or frustration, but his expletive-forming thoughts brush her mind. She'd giggle, hadn't he scorched himself in the process. His pain tolerance is high, but his ego doesn't know this.
"Let it go," she says. "With right parts, we'll make it work again. For now… just leave it. Satine would gladly give us some place on one of her ships."
He is vain. He is proud. She'd laugh at how vain he is still.
"Mandalorian ships." He wrinkles his nose.
"Stop it," she laughs this time and gestures at his hand. "Let me see."
"You smile too widely, you know that, kid," he grunts a bit, then flexes. "It's fine."
"I'll work on my smile later," she deflects the sting and takes his hand, like she did that morning. Perhaps he retained some of that electric energy in him (Force user physiology might work differently after a while, she thinks), because his touch sends an electrical current down her hand and down her spine. It isn't unpleasant, not by a long shot, but it is… exactly how it was on Ahch-to.
There is a definite burn mark on his palm, testifying to the sort of the electrical shock he received. Large and rough and warm, with unusually delicate, elongated fingers – she doesn't have a Bacta bandage with her, but his warmth takes her in and she slowly kisses that open palm.
"Rey," he shudders, but doesn't take his hand back. He caresses her cheek and finds her crying in his palm.
He remembers. Like a red haze lifted, he remembers everything – the last year at the Jedi temple before he turned to the Dark Side, that last agonizing year before everything went to pieces – his mother's hope, the New Republic, him, his father, the whole galaxy… He remembers himself going to a plinth stone at the Jedi village to meditate against his master's orders. Finding her, that figure illuminated with bright light that haunted his dreams and visions; finding her on Jakku in her AT-AT, face inflamed with grief and with tears. He suppressed almost everything. Snoke's training threatened to extinguish every flickering light in him. But the alien couldn't do anything against her. She was indestructible. And she was his.
After that, all constraint is lost. He lifts her up in his arms and kisses her long and deeply. He wanted them to wait. He wanted to protect her from possible scandal (this Resistance might be as weak and as decadent as the New Republic, rampant with scandals and intrigues, one in particular destroying his mother's career and destroying the New Republic in the process) and he wanted to protect her from possible grief if he…
But he won't fail her this time. Not now, not ever. He only has so much focus to erase the droids' memories (the orange one will definitely hate him until its expiration date) and to send them away. She yields so perfectly it almost makes him cry in her chest. Their devotion and compassion lead them through. He never received so much in one night, nor did she. He muffles his growls in the space between her neck, her shoulder and floor, with his palm silencing her wonderful, passionate screams.
She can't remember sleeping this well – a sleep destined to be short, but deep and soothing still. He cradles her in his arms like a child. The rhythm of his own breathing and of his heart-beats rocks her gently to sleep. And as she sleeps, she dreams… not exactly a vision – vision feels differently. There is a dim light in the mist before her, and as she approaches it, she realizes it's the Force. The halo of the Force surrounding a young boy, not older than 10 – she smiles at him and he smiles back as if in a deep recognition. The boy could be hers – could be theirs – tenderness overwhelms her and she reaches out with her hand to touch his head. But as she reaches out to him, the boy vanishes. Rey feels a pang of loss, sharp and deadly. She whirls, trying to detect the boy in an ever deepening fog. "Where are you?" She screams. Her fear starts pulsating in her ear-drums and the Force vibrates in the same rhythm. Suddenly, the fog lifts and reveals millions upon millions of Stormtroopers and First Order soldiers and officers. She is surrounded. She can't get out. "Ben!" She screams the only name she knows, the only one that will surely come back. But in the last nanosecond before she is awaken, she realizes every face around her is her own – full of judgment, and scorn and tribulation.
She wakes up with her resounding scream around her.
"Sweetheart!" He shakes her shoulders, beyond himself with fear. "What's wrong? Tell me!"
She can't explain. She gasps, and then collapses into his arms. She'd crawl right into his chest and into his heart – the reality feels too much. For some reason, she has the inexorable desire to go back to Cantonica. Something is happening there. The Force told her so.