Disclaimer: I do not own Fifty Shades of Grey. All rights belong to E. L. James
A/N: One of the funniest, sometimes sad and brutally honest books I have read over the last couple of years is called "It gets worse" by Shane Dawson. As I was writing this chapter, the book title kept coming to my mind over and over again... so, in the words of a great author and beautiful soul: Ladies and Gentlemen, it gets worse...
Ana
It's been five days since my world came crashing down, five days since I have last seen my husband or had any kind of communication with him. I have not even read his texts or e-mails and just asked Gail to put all of the flowers he has sent to the house into vases.
I have needed these last five days to think, to get to a place where I could face him without wanting to punch him or spit nasty words at him to make myself feel better. I have also needed this time to figure out where to go from here. After all, I have vowed to love Christian through the good and the bad times, so now that the bad times have come, I feel like I can't just break my vows and walk away from him. Still, I can't imagine a future without having children… or with Christian in my life.
That is why I have decided to go to Escala to talk to him. I don't know how to move past this and I feel like we may not be able to figure this out on our own, so I hope he will agree to my idea for us to start couples counseling. Not just because of what he has done when he decided to have a vasectomy without letting me know or telling me that he doesn't want to have children, but also because of what happened when he came to the house five days ago.
I have never been scared of my husband, but when he grabbed me and started to shake me, I was scared for my life and I don't ever want him to make me feel like that again.
When Taylor pulls up at the garage of Escala I get out of the car and watch his grim face as I step into the elevator, I know Taylor wanted to come up with me, he doesn't trust Christian any more than I do right now, but I know Ryan is there and I don't like the thought, that I need security to see my own husband. The one person who is supposed to make me feel loved and save…
Stepping out of the elevator I hear Christian talk to someone and freeze when I hear the voice of a woman answering… a voice I had hoped to never hear again.
"Christian darling, I have been telling you this for the past five years now, she is not what you need. Look, she wants a family… you don't. You like control and she likes to be independent. You are constantly compromising to keep her in your life and at one point you just have to see that it wasn't meant to be. I could have a sub lined up for you if that's what you wanted."
"I… no, Ana is my wife, I'm not giving up on her. I can win her back… we love each other. Maybe if she wants a kid so damn much…"
"Christian, please. Stop it, I have always told you, you are no father material, surely you could get the vasectomy reversed, but as soon as you fuck up with her child, she will leave you for good… giving in will only ensure that you lose her for good."
"You are right… god damn it; why can't she see that I had no choice but to make sure we wouldn't have kids?" Christian hisses and I can't believe this. For a second all I want to do is run… but then I decide that there is no way in hell I'm leaving, because that would mean the old bitch would win.
So instead of running, I step into the great room, announcing myself by the clicking of my heels on the marble floor.
Both Christian and Elena turn around and I can actually watch as all the color drains from his face.
"Well look at that. I know you currently don't have a housekeeper to help you around here, Christian, but has no one ever told you that you have to take the trash out instead of having drinks with it?" I ask, my voice so cold that I barely even recognize it myself.
"Excuse me? How dare you talk about me like that?!" Elena gasps and I turn my gaze to her. Time really has not been kind to her, she looks old… even with all the expensive makeup and clothes, she looks simply disgusting and I can barely force myself to keep looking at her.
"Get the fuck out of my apartment, Elena." I snap at her.
"Ana…" I spin around and hold my hand up, making Christian shut up immediately.
"I swear to god, if you dare to try and defend that woman in front of me, I will leave, find myself a good lawyer, divorce your ass and in doing so I will take you for all your worth. So, that's what is going to happen now, you will tell her goodbye, she will leave and you will never see her again, unless of course you want to choose her over me… so make up your mind, you have two minutes."
I watch his face intently and can see all the emotions flicker across his face; surprise, shock, anger and lastly resolve. He made up his mind, for a moment I have no idea what his decision will be, but I continue to stare at him as he turns to face Elena.
"Goodbye Elena, please see yourself out." He says and her eyes widen in horror.
"Christian, please you can't be serious… are you her sub, because you sure act like it." She hisses and I call out for Ryan.
"Yes Ma'am?"
"Ryan, please see this woman out and if you ever see her again or witness my husband having any kind of contact with her, I want you to contact me immediately."
"Or course, Ma'am." He says and leads a furious Elena to the elevator. Once she is gone I turn to face Christian.
"How long?" I ask and he hangs his head.
"A week after I've proposed to you." He murmurs and I close my eyes, wondering how many secrets he has been keeping from me since then.
"Have you fucked her?" I ask and his eyes widen.
"NO! I would never cheat on you."
"Well, excuse me, but right now, I have no trust in you, so let me qualify my last question. Have you had any kind of relationship with her or any other woman in or outside the context of BDSM?"
I watch as he runs both hands through his hair and I know I won't like his answer. Please, God, forgive me in advance, because if he has cheated on me on top of everything else, I cannot be held responsible for my reaction.
"About four years ago, Elena accompanied me on a business trip to New York, while you had the flu… she tried to kiss me, but I told her off." He says and a bitter laugh escapes me.
"Wow, aren't you a hypocrite?" I mutter and he gasps. "Oh no, you will listen! Remember my good friend, José? With whom I never had any kind of sexual relationship… but he tried to kiss me once and it drove you insane… so much so that only a month after our wedding I told my dear friend… whom I loved like a brother I may add; I told him we couldn't be friends anymore because it was making my husband upset. And in the five years, we have been married, I have never contacted him again. All the while you have remained friends with a woman you had a sexual relationship with for years… and not a consensual one, because you haven't been old enough to give consent to anything when it started…"
"Ana I will never talk to her again and…"
"Damn right, you won't! Because now I'm the one in charge, from now on Luke is going to be your CPO, he will follow you everywhere and if you do so much as to read a text she has sent you I will know and we are done!" I snap.
"Oh, so you think I'm lying?" He snaps back and I snort.
"You have been lying to me for our entire marriage, Christian, right now, I believe jack shit you are saying and just so you know, your chances of me taking you back are very slim right now… so you better watch the way you are talking to me!" I hiss and the look on his face is almost comical.
"Is that why you are here… to … to tell me that we are done?" He whispers.
"No, but I also didn't come here to invite you back home. You have hurt me… scared me… and you have broken my trust in you… I can't just take you back… here look at what you have done." I say and take my jacket off, so he can see the bruises in the shape of his hands on my upper arms.
"See this… I don't want to be that woman… a woman who is afraid of her own husband and has to wear long clothes in summer to hide her bruises from everyone… I will never be that woman… and thanks to you I will also never be a mother should I decide to stay married to you… and it is because I can't imagine my future without you that I came here today… I wanted us to go through couples counseling… see if we can move on from what happened."
"Okay… yes, we can do that…. We can work this out, Ana."
"I'm not sure we can… I need a few more days to recover from your latest revelations and Christian, if there is anything else you are hiding, you better say it now or else I am not willing to work on our relationship." I say and close my eyes when I see the look on his face.
"I… have been in contact with Leila … she is better now and we occasionally talk on the phone or via Skype… just to make sure she is doing alright… and I… fuck, look, she needed to start over so I bought her a place she now uses as an art gallery… I have only seen her once in person at the opening of her gallery. She means nothing to me… she is just someone I once knew and who needed help…."
"And who held me at gunpoint… but oh well, let's just forget about that, right? Just tell me one more thing, how did you manage to meet Elena for all those years without me or anyone finding out?"
"You are not going to like this…" He starts and I want to laugh… how much worse can it possibly get? "We have met once a week at the club we are both members at."
"Club?"
"A BDSM club, I had Andrea schedule her in as a business appointment and told Taylor I don't need him to accompany me… so that's why no one ever found out… I'm so sorry, baby… I never meant to hurt you …."
"But you did… and everything you just confessed… I need time. I will leave Seattle for a few days and when I'm back I'm going to contact a therapist… maybe we can work this out… I don't know, but for now I need to separate myself from you… which also means I am going to look into office buildings, so I can move Grey Publishing from GEH."
"You don't have to do this…"
"Yes, I have to, it's my company and if we can't find a way to save our marriage I don't want to work in a building where I could to run into you at any given chance."
"You can't leave me, please Ana… I can fix this." He says desperation evident in his voice and I sigh.
"I'm not sure you can… bye, Christian." I whisper, suddenly I feel exhausted. My brain is completely empty and I just need to get out and figure out what to do next.
When I step out of the elevator I see Taylor just outside of it and Elena who is pacing in front of the SUV.
"You! How dare you, you cannot take him away from me!" She yells at me and Taylor gets right into her face.
"You need to leave and if you ever even look at Mrs. Grey again, I will make it my life's mission to ruin you, now get the fuck out of our way or I'll just run you over with the car." Taylor hisses at her and then proceeds to lead me to the car.
Once we are both inside I rest my head against the window. "I want someone to watch her and Luke will be assigned as Christian's CPO effective immediately, he will follow him everywhere, I want to know the second he contacts Elena Lincoln again." I let Taylor know.
"Of course, Mrs. Grey, where do you want to go?"
"Grey Publishing, I need to go to the office." I murmur, I haven't been in for five days, because I didn't want to run into Christian at GEH, but I have to go in today, to prepare for a business trip I have scheduled for tomorrow. Going to New York is just what I need right now, just to get out of Seattle for a few days and really think things through.
My Mom was supposed to come visit right after my business trip, but I decide, that instead of her visiting me, I will go to Georgia and stay with her, maybe staying with my mother for a few days and talking to her will help me put things into perspective. Because after everything that has happened within the last five days, I'm not sure if there is a way to fix my marriage.
Maybe I am just a girl who fell in love with a boy and wanted him to be her prince charming so much that she didn't want to see what was going on all this time… and maybe I have to let him go in order to be happy again…