Happy Sunday, Ladies, since I had some time to write and I'm in a really good mood today, I decided to give you another bonus chapter. So, here it is, enjoy!
Ana
Arriving at Grey House, I hurry through the lobby and get into the elevator, which takes me up to the fifteenth floor where Grey Publishing has its offices. Inside I wave at Claire behind the reception desk and walk towards my office.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Grey." Hannah greets me and I smile at her.
"Good afternoon, Hannah, please come to my office in five minutes." I let her know get into my office and deflate into my chair. Automatically my gaze finds the pictures on my desk.
There is one of our wedding pictures as well as a picture of us sitting on a blanket in the meadow at home, both of us are smiling and until now it has been one of my favorite pictures of Christian and myself. Looking at it now, the bitter thought crosses me that I don't even know my own husband.
If I did, I would have noticed all the lies he told me over the years… and what's more, if all his declarations of love had been true, he would have never kept so much from me. It's like he lived two separate lives… or maybe he just separated me from his real life. Maybe all I am to him is a trophy wife. After all, he made me championing many charities, just so I could make connections with rich housewives and he, in turn, would benefit from it and could do business with their husband's.
Who knows, maybe he did cheat on me… I don't want to believe it, but the sad fact is that I just can't trust him anymore or believe anything he is telling me at the moment.
"Mrs. Grey?" I look up when Hannah enters my office and motion for her to sit down.
"So, I need you to book me on a flight to New York for the conference tomorrow."
"Oh of course, but weren't you supposed to take the GEH Jet?" She asks and I try not snap at her.
"Yes, but things have changed, I also need you to book me a suite in New York and please talk to Mr. Taylor, he will accompany me. Once you have done that, I need you to contact a few real estate agents for me, I want to buy an office building big enough to house Grey Publishing." I tell her and her eyes widen.
"Mrs. Grey… Ana… I know, it's none of my business, but I have been working for you for over five years now and frankly, you look a mess… so is everything alright?" I look at her for a moment and try to figure out what to say to her.
Over the years we have become close and have been out for drinks after work along with Claire too many times to count. Still, I don't think it's a good idea to spill my guts to her.
"Things are a bit rough right now… let's just leave it at that."
"Of course, well, I get to work then, is there anything I can get you a tea maybe?" She asks and the first thing that comes to my mind actually makes me smile for the first time in five days.
"I want a chocolate milkshake, with lots of cream and sprinkles… if you can get me one, I want it to be so big that I'll feel guilty just looking at it." I say and Hannah smiles.
"I know just the place where to get one of those." She says and heads out of my office. Over the last five days, I have literally been eating my feelings. Where I usually starve myself when I'm upset, I went against my usual M.O. and instead indulged in too much ice cream, everything that Dunkin Donuts has to offer and ordered so much unhealthy food that I have probably given myself Diabetes and cholesterol issues over the past few days. I know I can't go on like that, but it felt good just to eat whatever the hell I want, wear my pajamas all day and don't even bother to put on some makeup or style my hair.
Being Christian's wife has changed me… I have not just matured and grown comfortable with myself, but I have also changed my style completely... or let him change my style to be more exact. He is the one telling my hair dresser how to cut and style my hair, he is the one who tells Caroline Acton what clothes to buy for me and when we went to an event he was the one telling the make-up artist how he wanted me to look.
I don't even remember when I went shopping for clothes the last time… not that I miss it, but sometimes I miss the days where I could just dress in a t-shirt, jeans, and chucks. I don't think I even own a pair of jeans anymore because my husband prefers me wearing skirts and dresses… because he isn't the one freezing his ass off in winter wearing them…
Fifteen minutes later, I have managed to occupy my thoughts with work and enjoy my milkshake when my phone buzzes and I frown when I see the number on the screen.
"Ana Grey."
"Ana this is John Flynn. Christian just contacted me, he scheduled an appointment for couples counseling next week and wanted me to let you know." He says and I close my eyes.
I like John, I truly do, but Christian has been seeing him for years and it has never been more obvious than now that he couldn't help him with anything.
"John, please don't take this the wrong way, but I would like for Christian and me to see someone else. I feel like we need someone who doesn't know us."
"I understand… but I would suggest that you re-think because I feel that it would be beneficial to meet with someone who already knows you and Christian." He argues.
"No, I don't think so, Christian can meet with you, but I will find a different Doctor for us to do couples counseling. I will let Christian know once I have found someone. Goodbye John." I hang up annoyed and feeling a bit guilty, because I know I was rather rude to him… still, I feel like seeing John together is not going to get us anywhere.
Sighing, I send a text to Grace, asking her if she knows any good therapist in Seattle and continue to work for two more hours until it is time to go home.
I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be on a commercial flight. Taylor wasn't happy that we have to ride in coach, but I kind of like it, it feels normal and right now normal is just what I need. Kate came over yesterday evening and I'm pretty sure if she was to run into Christian by chance, it wouldn't end well for him.
She told me to simply divorce him and find someone who would treat me right and give me children, but it's not that easy. I have been with Christian for five years and for most of it I have been blissfully happy with him. Not sure he was ever happy with me… No, I cannot think like that, because if I do, I might as well just take Kate's advice and file for divorce.
"Ana?" I look at Taylor and smile, finally, he is calling me by my first name. "I thought I should let you know that your college friend lives in New York now and has his own gallery… Mr. Grey made me loosely keep tabs on him, so if you want to visit him, I can give you the address of his gallery." Taylor says and it takes me a second to process what he is telling me.
"José?"
"Yes, Mr. Grey was worried he would try to contact you again, so he wanted to make sure he always knew where Mr. Rodriguez is." He says and I shake my head sadly. Christian really did control every aspect of my life, while he did whatever he wanted without telling me.
"Is he doing ok?" I want to know and Taylor gives me a rare smile.
"I'd say your friend is doing more than ok, Ana. He is a full-time photographer and has worked with many magazines as well as selling lots of his pictures in his gallery."
"That's good… yes, I would love to see José again."
When we arrive in New York and Taylor drives us through the heavy New York traffic I look out of the window, remembering the first time Christian took me to New York.
It was winter and we came here to go Christmas shopping. On our last day here he took me ice skating at the Rockefeller Center and even though I'm pretty good at ice skating, he wouldn't leave my side the entire time. There were so many families and I found myself watching a father with his tiny daughter, teaching her how to keep her balance on the ice. It was such a beautiful scene that I couldn't help but watch them. When Christian followed my gaze he smiled his adorable shy smile and asked me if I thought that one day he would teach our daughter how to skate on ice.
Now, I have to wonder if he just said that to make me believe he wanted children as well. I absolutely hate this…. Hate the fact that I have to question everything my husband has ever told me and so I push the thought aside and concentrate on the meetings ahead.
In the early evening, after my meetings are done and Taylor is driving us back to the hotel I suddenly see something.
"Taylor, can you stop over there, I want to go shopping." I say and he looks surprised but pulls up in front of the store and we head inside.
I haven't been in a clothing store in so long, Mia and Kate have regular shopping dates and I used to go with them, but Christian was never pleased with what I bought for myself, so about seven months into our marriage I stopped and left all the shopping to Caroline Acton. With everything going on at the moment, I feel the desperate need for total comfort on the outside and that is something all the fancy clothes I possess can't provide.
Inside the store, I look around and find some really nice jeans and an oversized sweater, along with some t-shirts and even chucks. I pay for everything and change at the store into one of the outfits I just bought and as soon as I'm back in jeans and chucks I feel a lot better.
"Taylor, I would like to visit José now." I let him know and while he is driving to the gallery I grab my phone and decide to let Christian know what I am about to do. It's not so much that I feel the need to let him know, but that I don't want to start acting like him.
*I'm in NYC and just found out that José owns a gallery here, so I'm going to visit him. Thought I let you know.*
It takes about thirty seconds until he replies.
*Why? He wants you, Ana! Please don't go.*
*He is just an old friend and even if he wants me, I don't want him. There is nothing you have to worry about. Gotta go.*
Shoving my phone back into my purse I stare out of the window ignoring the constant ping of incoming texts until Taylor stops the car and gets out to open the door for me. I walk slowly towards the entrance of the gallery. Maybe this is a bad idea, I remember my last conversation with José when I had to tell him we couldn't be friends anymore, he was in tears… I was in tears and then I just walked away from him. I never felt as shitty about myself as I did that day, but I kept telling myself that I did it for Christian and somehow I got over it and stopped allowing myself to even think about José.
When we step into the gallery there is music playing from speakers placed in the corners and I'm impressed with the huge pictures that are on display everywhere. Some show landscapes, others people, but all are really amazing.
"Hey, you guys are looking for anything specific?" I hear José's voice behind me and smile.
"Yes, I'm looking for you." I say, turn around and my mouth drops open. This is not the José I remember. The man in front of me is really muscular, has tattoo sleeves, overly long, slightly messy hair that is pulled back in a ponytail and a beard.
"No way, Ana Grey… I can't believe it." He says with a huge smile and picks me up for a huge hug.
"Wow, look at you, I almost didn't recognize you." I giggle when he puts me back to my feet.
"I know right… wow, it's so good to see you, Ana. How are you doing?" He asks and my face falls.
"Oh girl, your look screams for a glass of wine, luckily for you I was just about to close. Come, I'm taking you somewhere, where we can have some good old comfort food and one too many glasses of wine. Is he joining us too." He asks nodding at Taylor and he surprises me.
"No, I just dropped Ana off. Just let me know when to pick you up, have a good time Ana." He says and leaves the gallery.
"Well, then come, my car is parked in the back." Jose says and I wait for him to lock the place before we head out and get into his car.
"When did you open the gallery?" I ask as he pulls into traffic.
"About three years, I've sent you an invitation… though I guess Christian never even showed it to you." He says and I sigh.
"No, he didn't. José, I'm sorry, I mean about the way our friendship ended." I murmur and he smiles.
"It didn't end, Ana… we just didn't talk for a while… and I'm all for second chances. So, don't sweat it." He replies and thirty minutes later we arrive at an apartment building.
"Your place?" I ask.
"Yup." He says with a grin and when we reach the top floor he leads me inside and calls out.
"Babe, I'm home, I've brought an old friend with me."
For a moment I'm a bit startled because I didn't even think about the fact that he might have a girlfriend and I really hope that she won't be pissed that José brought me over.
José leads me into the open living space that is huge and when I look around I see a guy only wearing sweatpants in the kitchen stirring something that smells delicious in a pot.
"Sorry, he always listens to music while cooking." José says, steps closer and pulls one earplug out of the guy's ear making him jump.
"Fuck! You scared the living shit out me, babe." The guy mutters and kisses José. When they stop kissing each other and turn around to me I'm sure I have a look of utter disbelieve on my face.
"Wait… whoa… that's Ana Grey… fuck… I'm so sorry… fuck, I mean… wow…." The guy stammers making me giggle.
"Hi I'm Ana." I say with a smile and hold my hand out to him.
"Adam… Adam McCullen." He says and now it's my turn to gape at him.
"Wait… do you have a Blog?" I ask and his eyes widen.
"Have you read it?"
"Read, I'm obsessed with your stories… if you ever want to publish them in book form you have to give me a call."
"Holy fuck, yes… of course… wait, has José somehow contacted you?" He asks and José wraps one arm around him.
"Ana and I were best friends in college… we lost contact after she got married, today she just stepped into the gallery… so I thought we have dinner together and catch up." He says and I still can't believe José is dating a guy, but as I watch them together I'm really happy for him, they look so at ease and happy around each other, that it is a joy to watch them.
Ten minutes later we are all sitting on the floor around a coffee table with a glass of wine and a bowl pasta with meat sauce.
"So, Ana, what is going on?" José asks and I take a sip of my wine.
"It's complicated… you know, I thought my life is perfect… now well… I don't know. Christian and I have hit a rough patch and I'm not sure we can fix it."
"Wow, that's sad, can I ask what happened?" José asks and I sigh.
"When we got married we agreed that later on, we would have children. About two years into our marriage I brought it up… he wasn't ready, so I've waited until eight months ago he told me he wanted us to start a family. Month after month it didn't happen. A week ago I found that he had a vasectomy after I brought up having kids for the first time." I tell him and both men gape at me wide eyed.
"Girl, I hope you are not planning on forgiving him anytime soon." Adam says and I shrug.
"I don't think I can, I love him, but I can't trust him and what's more… I want children, I can't imagine my life without being a mother and I'm afraid that I will forgive Christian and end up resenting him… I just don't see a way for us to overcome this without serious cracks in our marriage. And there is more stuff he was hiding from me… I just don't know how to handle this." I say sadly and look at José.
"I know what I would do… but I can't make that decision for you… no one can. You need to figure out if you can find a way to trust him again and move on from this… or if you want to find someone else and have a family with him." He says and that the same thing I am thinking.
"I love him so much, José … but I don't know if I can live with him anymore. I can't trust him and I'm just so hurt and disappointed... and I want to be a mother so much… maybe even more than being Christian's wife at this point…" I confess and wipe away a lone tear that has escaped my eyes.
"You should take your time in figuring it out, have you considered couple's therapy?" He asks and I nod.
"Yes, I want to get counseling for us, but Christian is not comfortable with me wanting to find a new therapist for us, while I don't want us to see his therapist."
"Why?"
"Well, Christian is seeing him for over ten years and his issues haven't changed, he is just better at hiding them… so clearly whatever John is doing is not helping… plus, with John being his shrink I feel like he will be on Christian's side and that isn't working for me either. Christian, however, feels like it would be offensive to John if we would see someone else and of course he fears someone new might not understand his issues… so it's complicated."
"Ana, he is not in the position to demand anything right now… he fucked up, so if he wants to save your marriage, he has to agree to your terms. You know, I have never been the greatest fan of him… so I probably shouldn't give you any advice, but … yeah doesn't matter…" José says and I frown.
"No, please I want to know what you are thinking." I beg and he sighs.
"Look, I'm not saying that he doesn't love you… because he does or at least he did when I last saw you together years ago… but he has taken over your entire life. In a matter of just a few months, there was nothing left of the Ana I knew and I feel like he made sure you are depending on him in too many ways."
"How?"
"Well, your job for one. The Ana I knew wanted to be an editor, not a CEO… you hated the few business related classes you had to take in college… but he gave you Grey Publishing, knowing that you would need him to run it… and what's more, he monitored whom you could see and whom not. Has he told you that I came to Seattle to see you five months ago and we almost ended in a fist fight? He knew Ana… he knew for years that I am gay and happy in my relationship with Adam, but he didn't want me around you… and what about Kate… I mean he wanted to pay her to leave his brother." He says and I nearly drop my glass of wine.
"What?"
"He didn't like the influence she has on you, so he offered to get her a job with Vogue in France if she would leave Elliot. Kate told him to fuck off, but yeah he pretty much controls every aspect of your life and that is not healthy because it feels like he wanted to make sure he is all you have. I don't doubt that both of you have been in love with each other, that was always obvious, but I don't think it was a healthy kind of love. Look, I don't want to upset you more, but I feel like you came to me for a reason, so I'm not holding back in telling you how I see things, still… in the end, it is your decision to make, just take your time with it. Deciding not to have children to be with someone is a huge decision and I don't want you to live with regrets."
"What if that is just the thing… I can't imagine my life without Christian, but at same time I can't imagine not having children… so no matter what I decide, I feel like I will always have to live with regrets. I can't see an outcome where I'm going to be completely happy and not end up resenting Christian or always wonder what if… it's driving me insane."
He looks at me for a few moment and then smiles. "Maybe you just need to get out. Just go on vacation and really think about what you want, because once you have found yourself again, you can be happy. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about." He says and winks at Adam who blows him a kiss.
"Yes… well, I would rather not talk about my issues anymore… tell me about you, I mean I almost didn't recognize you… and those tattoos are amazing." I say and he smiles.
"When Adam isn't writing short stories for his blog he works as a tattoo artist, we met soon after I've moved here. I've tried to fight my feelings for him at first. I mean with my upbringing being with a man was completely unacceptable… in the end, I stopped caring what everyone else would think. Coming out was like coming up for air. For the first time in my life, I knew exactly who I am and I am happy, it's really simple."
"I'm glad you are happy." I say and even manage to smile at him.
"You'll be happy too, you just need to find out what you really want and once you allow it to happen, it will make you happy." He says and I hope he is right, I want to be happy again and not feel this emptiness inside me that has been building ever since I found out what Christian has done to me… to us…