I'm a bit behind on the PM's but I will answer all of them tomorrow!

Christian Grey was sure that this time, he had officially lost his mind. For the past four days he had been in a constant state of panic, denial and anger. Panic, because he was going to be a father when he knew he couldn't be a father, denial because deep down he knew what he had to do and anger because he wanted to fly to Europe and fucking kill the doctor who did not tell him about the fact, that there was a less than 1 percent chance that over time he would be fertile again.

But that was exactly what had happened. His sperm count wasn't back to normal, but there were enough little fuckers escaping each time he came inside his wife to ensure that sooner or later one of them would hit the jackpot. Which now had made his worst nightmare come true and he had fathered a child.

When Ana told him that she was pregnant he wanted to yell at her… demand to get rid of it and then he looked at his wife and he couldn't do it. He had remembered all the times she had cried because she had gotten her period, all the times she had cried herself to sleep and thought he wouldn't notice it… and he just couldn't do it. Seeing her, she looked different… he couldn't describe it, but there was something about her that made her look even more beautiful.

And then he had to ask her if she wanted to keep the baby and it was like watching something inside of her slowly die. That was the exact moment he knew he had lost her. He couldn't ask her not to have the baby and giving it away to save their marriage was something even he wouldn't consider. Still, he couldn't bring himself to do what he knew was the only solution to this.

He needed to talk and there was only one person he trusted enough to give him advice now. Trying to set up a meeting with Elena wasn't easy. Taylor was watching him like a hawk and he knew that he probably had someone watching Elena too, but today was his day off and Reynolds was on duty. So he told Reynolds he was going for his morning run and didn't want to have company and Reynolds didn't question him.

He told Elena to make sure she wasn't followed, because his security was most likely watching her as per Ana's order, but he knew Elena was surprisingly good at ditching security and wearing a disguise.

He left the big house in his running gear and met Elena at a diner about a mile away from his home. Once he had spotted her in the corner he slid into the booth facing her and ordered himself a coffee.

"Darling, you look upset. Is Ana still not listening to you?" Elena Lincoln asked trying to sound sincere, though secretly she was delighted to see that finally that little bitch was on her way out of Christian's life.

Her life had turned into a nightmare ever since Anastasia Steele appeared out of nowhere, but Elena had waited. Patiently she had taken the backseat and watch them together, always making sure to keep her hold on Christian steady and now it was her time to pounce and finally make him hers. She had spent years to turn him into the man he was… a successful mogul, billionaire and amazing lover and she didn't invest all that time for some mousy little piece of trash to take her place.

She had made the Christian Grey everyone knew and while she allowed him to spread his wings a little by becoming a Dominant, it had been always her plan to seduce him a second time once he got bored of his subs. Instead along came a little Coed and stole him from her. But Elena knew they would never make it at one point something would come up and she would be there to pounce. This time was now. She knew all of Christian's insecurities and how to worsen them. Especially when it came to him being a father one day. The dumb fuck had no idea that all of his issues would actually turn him into the world's best father and she wasn't about to tell.

Instead she had been like a constant voice in his head, telling him how he would ruin any child he would ever father. So much so that when she told him to secretly get a vasectomy done, he couldn't get it done fast enough. And now the little bitch would leave him because of it and Christian Grey would be hers and hers alone.

"Something has happened Elena… I don't know what to do… I fuck." He muttered and inwardly she rolled her eyes but gave him a concerned look.

"What is going on, darling?"

"Ana is pregnant and it's mine." Six little words spoken in a whisper had such an impact on Elena, it felt like all the air had left her lungs and she couldn't breathe for a second.

"How?" She was finally able to ask.

"Part of the cut they made during the vasectomy healed with time… enough so that I could impregnate her." Christian explained and hoped Elena could help him make the right decision.

"Is she keeping the baby?"

"Yes… I can't ask her to get rid of it… it would kill her and… and I don't want her to do it." He said voicing what so far he didn't even allow himself to think about.

"Christian darling… if she is keeping the baby, you can't be with her." Elena said gently though inside her mind was racing with ways to kill the bitch and her child to keep Christian.

"I thought… maybe I could try… I don't know." He said and hung his head in defeat. This was killing him, he didn't know how to handle this situation and all John had to say was that he could either try or let Ana go, but he couldn't give her hope when he had already made up his mind.

"Christian, you know how much I care about you and I know how much you love your wife, but you have to let her go. You can't be a father, with your temper, issues and everything else, you can cause serious mental damage to a child and it would ruin the love Ana has for you too. I mean can you blame her; she would be left with no choice but to throw you out of their life completely… I know you want to try, but it's just not what you are made for. So, please do the right thing and let her go." Elena said though mentally she was already one step further, because if she couldn't convince him, she would find someone who would take care of the problem and it would be a permanent solution.

She was done waiting, either Christian would make the decision she wanted him to make or Ana Grey would meet her end much sooner than anyone ever imagined.

Ana

It's been a week since I have found out that I am pregnant. José stayed stopped by until Sunday evening and wants to visit me again next month when he and his boyfriend come to Seattle for a tattoo convention.

I haven't heard from Christian and only know that he really went to see his Doctor, because Grace came by three days ago to apologize for her reaction at the hospital. Kate had her baby yesterday. It's a beautiful little boy and they named him Elijah. He is too cute for words and Kate is feeling so great, she is actually thinking about having another one in a few years.

I'm really happy for them, but seeing Elliot holding his son also made me very sad, because when I have my baby, his or her daddy probably won't be there to hold her. He isn't even trying, because two days ago we had our next appointment at Dr. Westbridge's office and he didn't show up. I felt so hopeless and sad that I drove my sorry ass to Cold Stone's and had the biggest Sundae on their menu.

Sadly, these days I'm really good at eating my feelings. I'm trying to keep a healthy balance in my diet for the baby, but really I have eaten so much candy, fast food and other shit, that this morning I went through my kitchen with a moving crate and stuffed all the unhealthy food I had in it. Since I didn't want to just throw it away, I went next door and gave it to Sawyer. Really, he is pure muscle, but that guy is living garbage disposal, because he lives off junk food and has probably already eaten half of the shit I have given him by now.

After my kitchen cleaning, I met with another realtor and finally managed to find the right building for Grey Publishing. It's just three blocks from here and the perfect size. I have already put my offer in and hope to get everything sorted out by the end of next week, so we can move GP after some minor renovations. I have also started to interview potential CEO's for my company and was surprised that no one at the office sent his resume in, so I sent another e-mail to everyone who in my opinion would be qualified for the job and was happy when Lisa from HR told me that she is really interested but didn't think I would ever consider her. Right now, she is my favorite candidate. She has been working for GP for over six years now and her kids are already in college, so things like maternity leave are nothing I have to consider if I pick her.

Still, I wish I could get Christian's take on this, but I will have to learn to do this on my own… or keep my secret hope that he just needs more time to come around and then we can finally try to fix our issues. It won't be easy... especially since I don't think Elena will go away quietly. Maybe I shouldn't even think like this, after all, pretty much everything I thought I knew about my husband turned out to be a lie. Maybe, I should be angry, but for most parts, I just feel numb, like a spectator in the mess that has become my life. I talked to Kate and she think my wish to reconcile stems from baby hormones and the wish to give my child parents who are together instead of two homes.

Right now, there is so much I need to think about, but nothing is really making sense. It's annoying and frustrating. So much so, that I have considered starting therapy once my life has settled down a bit. Everyone in my life is just too involved. The Grey's while clearly upset with Christian still hope for us to work things out, because they believe I have done so much good in their son's life. My father who would probably shoot Christian if I would tell him just how much damage my husband has done to our marriage. Kate and José who have never been fans of Christian and while trying to be understand want me to divorce him and start over... I could probably talk to Claire or Hannah, but they work for me, so they will probably take my side without any hesitation. Same goes for Luke, Taylor and Gail... and the sad thought hits me, that apartment from family and people who work for me, I really don't have anyone to go to. Even Kate is family now and José for as much as I love him like a brother will never be objective in this situation.

What I need is someone who is not involved in any way, someone who can look at everything from the outside and help me get perspective. I don't want to see Dr. Westbridge, because while he is nice, he was meant to be my therapist for couple's therapy and should Christian and I continue with it, it would not be a good idea to see him alone as well, so I will have to look into finding the right person, once I'm up to it.

Last night, I've dreamt that Christian came here, carrying a huge stuffed animal and he told me how much he loved me and that he would try to be the best father for our child. How sorry he was for everything that happened and that he was ready for us to be a family. It was so comforting and sweet that I couldn't stop crying when I woke up and realized it was just a dream and that reality would never be as simple as a dream.

I don't even know how I managed to finally get up and get ready for the day ahead, but I somehow did. I even managed to plaster a fake smile on my face that was good enough to fool everyone who doesn't know me.

Right now, I have just arrived back home and had a salad for a late lunch. I didn't feel like going into the office, so I'm mostly working from home these days. I feel like if Christian and I happened to just run into each other in the lobby at Grey House it would be obvious for everyone that something isn't right between us and I really don't want word to get out that we have separated. I know at some point we have to release a statement, but I'm just not ready for it, much less so because at this point, I'm not even sure what the statement will be.

With a sigh, I get up and look through my drawers, but since I have given all of my unhealthy food to Sawyer there is nothing left to make me feel better, so I'm seriously contemplating to make a quick run to the supermarket to get some Nutter Butters or zingers, but I'm interrupted by a knock at the door.

Since the front desk didn't announce anyone, I'm sure it's just Sawyer, so I head to the door and nearly forget how to breathe when I see Christian.

"Hi… may I come in?" He asks and I can tell that he is nervous… and I'm… honestly, I'm about to piss myself because I know he has made up his mind and is here to tell me his decision.

"Sure." I step aside, let him and close the door. When I turn around he is looking around the open living space and smiles.

"You've done a good job decorating the place, it's a reflection of your personality." He says and I busy myself by getting both of us a glass of cherry lemonade.

"Thanks… so I guess we need to talk, baby." He says and I try not to burst into tears right away… there is still hope left, there has to be…

"Grace told me you went to see your Doctor." I say, suddenly I would rather talk about anything else than what he came here to talk about.

"Yes, but I didn't even had to listen to what he was telling me… I know you would have never cheated on me, you are way better than that… better than I am. Ana… I have done everything wrong… right from the start and I guess with everything I have done it was inevitable that it would come to this. You know what I really wish?" He asks and I shake my head, not able to get a single word out.

"I wish I had been stronger, because if I had been stronger right when we met, I would have been able to do what is right and that would have been to stay away from you. I'm not regretting a single moment we had together… but had I been stronger you wouldn't be hurting right now and I wouldn't have to hurt you even more." He says in a hoarse voice and my tears start to fall.

"Please don't cry, baby. You might not see it now, but one day you will see that it was the right thing to do. You have helped me so much, but it doesn't change that I'm fucked up beyond repair and I can't be a father… but you can be a Mom… and I know you are going to be a wonderful mother to our child… so much so that it won't matter that I am not around. I wish I could be, but I know I will end up ruining our child's life and you will hate me because of it… and I can't let that happen… so I have to let you go."

I look at him through my tears and see his own and I want to tell him that it's not true, that he is going to be a wonderful father… but I know he is not going to believe me. He is a man who doesn't love or believe in himself and for the first time I see it. I can't fix him. I have tried so much, tried to make him see that he is loved and capable of loving someone back. I convinced myself that I managed to pull him into the light… but the reality is he was hiding his darkness from me.

The only person who can help him is himself and he is not willing or ready to do it. There is nothing left for me to do or try, because in this moment I have nothing more to give.

"I just want you to know that I didn't mean anything I have said to you that day after the phone call with Dr. Greene and I'm so fucking sorry that I have hurt you. And I'm promising you now, that I will make this as easy as possible for you. You don't have to move GP, because you won't see me at GEH. I have talked to Ros and she will run GEH here, while I'm going to Taiwan for the next year to build our branch there and expand it further. So, you have a year to adjust to your new life and when I'm back we can talk about a divorce… I want you to be happy, Ana… that's all I ever wanted for you…" He says and slowly gets up while I remain seated trying my hardest not to succumb into full blown hysterical crying in front of him.

Standing in front of me he strokes my tears away with his thumb and gives me a sad smile.

"You are so strong, baby… you'll get through this and you'll come out of this even stronger and you have our baby to love… and even though I never wanted to have children and can't be a father I'm happy that you are going to be the mother of my child… because if anyone on this planet was meant to be a mother it's you… you have so much love to give and that is all our child will ever need. Goodbye, baby." He says and kisses my forehead before he turns and leaves me.

Slowly I slide down the chair and sit on the floor, where I pull my knees to my body and finally succumb to the hysterical crying I was trying to hold at bay in front of him… this is it, he is gone and I know that not just my marriage, but also my dream of having my own family with the man that I love more than anything in this world is over. He made his decision and if I have learned one thing about Christian in the almost six years I have spent with him than it is that once he has made his mind up there is nothing that can make him change his mind… it's over and I now have to find a way to somehow live with the fact that my marriage failed because I wanted us to be a family and instead of bringing us even closer together it broke us apart…

Next chapter will have a time jump to the end of Ana's pregnancy... and if I have some time to write this week you'll get a bonus chapter :)