Chapter Thirty Eight

March, 2012
Launceston, Tasmania

The sun was shining outside, a beautiful day for going out and as it happened Maura had plans to do just that. She finished up the final touches on a breakfast that she knew Jane would like, bacon and eggs with pancakes on the side. It was entirely too much, and went against everything Maura believed in for breakfast, but Jane hadn't been feeling the best of late and she wanted to show a little flexibility and kindness. She poured a glass of orange juice and placed the breakfast and juice on a tray and carried it upstairs. Breakfast in bed. Surely Jane would appreciate the mental gymnastics she required to follow through with something that made her feel entirely too uncomfortable.

She walked into the master bedroom, setting the tray down on her dresser while she walked across the room and drew the curtains open, allowing the sun to pour into the room. She then turned to look at Jane whose reaction was to roll away from the sun and hug a pillow. "I made you breakfast," she offered cheerily.

Jane sniffed the air and while the bacon smelled good she wasn't interested. "Not hungry."

"Eggs, bacon, and pancakes." Maura continued to enthuse, but her happiness was fading fast as she watched her girlfriend bury herself further into the bedding.

Jane felt the bed dip near her feet and Maura's hand rub her calf in a show of affection. She wanted to care, but it hadn't been a good couple of days and her apathy was stronger than it had been in weeks. "Just leave it, I'll eat it later."

Maura gave it one last attempt, "I made rabbit pancakes."

Jane rolled over and sat up, she forced a small smile and attempted to rib Maura, "It ain't the same if they're not bunny pancakes Maura. What's this rabbit nonsense?"

Maura, buoyed by the fact Jane had at least sat up, ignored the fact Jane was poking fun at her vocabulary choices. She retrieved the tray of food and placed it on Jane's lap. "Oh fudge," she said when she realised she had forgotten the cutlery. "I'll be right back."

Jane's eyes followed Maura out of the room before returning to the tray of food in front of her. She realised Maura must have considered her to be in a bad way if she was willingly preparing all the good breakfast foods and not some healthier light yoghurt and fruit option. She would have only been more surprised if there had been a bowl of fruit loops on the tray. She poked at the pancakes, rabbit or bunny, they were not. Still she managed the smallest of smiles for the effort. Unfortunately it did not change the fact she wasn't hungry, and nor did she wish to get out of bed.

Jane graciously accepted the cutlery when Maura returned, offered a fake smile and said, "Yum." She broke off a small part of what was meant to be the ear, at least she thought so, on the bunny pancake and placed it into her mouth, chewing over enthusiastically.

Satisfied that Jane was at least eating something, Maura broached the next subject at hand. "It's a nice day outside. Gabby and Melissa's teams are facing off in the grand final. Would you like to attend?"

In an effort not to answer straight away Jane stuffed more pancake into her mouth and vigorously chewed. She still hadn't heard from Melissa after the text she sent, and she had even sent another after finding out that Melissa had led Tasmania to be crowned champions. She supposed she deserved that for the way she had hurt the woman, but it meant that the last thing she wanted was to show up in support. She didn't think she'd be welcome. Gabby sure as hell wouldn't want her there, which meant a small part of her wanted to be there just to spite her, because Jane really wasn't comfortable with this blossoming friendship between Maura and her ex. Her only reason for attending shouldn't be out of spite, her sessions with Doctor Levinson had taught her that much.

"You go. I'm not feeling the best." She picked the tray up and placed it down on the empty side of the bed. "You go though."

Maura looked pensively at Jane. She was worried. "Jane, what can I do?"

"You can go and support your ex like you so clearly want to," Jane snapped harshly, hunkering back down under the covers. She knew better, but she didn't have the energy to keep playing pretend, like she was happy. She wasn't. She was hurting. She just wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

Maura nodded her acceptance that Jane wasn't going to get out of bed today, either. She considered collecting the tray and putting the food away, but hoped that Jane might at least pick at it. So she left it, and exited the room, gently closing the door behind her. She lingered briefly with her hand pressed against the door. Jane was so close, and yet in recent days, so very far away. She just had to trust the process.

Churchill Park

Outside of the NTSA officials who would unlock the gates and get the canteen in order, Melissa and Gabby were used to being the first people to the ground on grand final day. Saints and Eagles had pretty much been inevitable opponents for the last six years, so to them it had almost become a game of one upmanship. It was different this year though, with their relationship back on track they had arrived together. There were three cars in the parking lot. One belonged to Sharon, the Saints coach, another to the association's president and the third to Maura.

Gabby pulled her Triton in next to Maura's vehicle and with one quick look realised it was empty. She shared a concerned look with Melissa and then cast her eyes wider, locating Maura sitting alone in the bleachers. Maura was never late, but she wasn't this early either.

Gabby sighed. She had a suspicion she knew what this was about. "Would you just text Jane already?"

Melissa's eyes had also searched for Maura and snapped back to Gabby at the frustration in her voice. She was surprised to say the least. She knew Gabby couldn't stand to be around Jane. She hadn't reached out after receiving the two text messages from Jane, because she felt conflicted. She appreciated the olive branches for what they were, but she knew she had hurt Jane too. Jane may have ended where she belonged in the first place, but how she had ended there would have hurt.

Melissa didn't think Jane was really ready yet to be friends, or friendly, or anything that remotely required they spend any time together in person. She didn't think Gabby was ready for it either. In time yes, should Jane still want friendship then she would approach it openly, but all parties needed time to heal. So she said, "No. She's not ready. You're not ready."

Gabby just shook her head and got out of her truck. She opened the canopy and heaved both gear bags out. Dumping Melissa's on the gravel, she put hers over her shoulder and headed for the bleachers.

Melissa sat in the truck for a while, just watching Gabby take up position next to Maura on the bleachers and start talking. Maura wasn't a romantic threat to her relationship, she knew that. They all didn't just go through so much crap for them to not have been sure about their decisions; so she felt safe in that belief. She however had grown to realise that the friendship bothered her. Not so much the fact there was one there, and not even the fact that they remained very close. It was the fact that Gabby and Maura hadn't even considered that maybe they should at least tone it down a bit, til hearts had started to heal.

Melissa slammed her palm against the console in frustration. She was annoyed with herself for feeling threatened in the slightest. Gabby was back at work, back to playing softball, back in her bed, and everything was going great; everything except the fact she hadn't been able to voice the offer she had received to play in Chicago.

For practically as long as she had known Gabby, that woman had been her entire world, more important than even her biggest dreams and yet despite having Gabby back where she needed her to be, she was seriously considering leaving to chase her dreams. She knew her hesitance was because Gabby would never leave her job. Gabby loved being a cop too much. If she wanted to chase her dreams, she'd have to leave Gabby behind. Melissa really didn't know if she could do that, not if it meant losing her once more. Perhaps even once and for all.

Gabby set her bag down on the bleachers and sat next to Maura, who looked positively lost. "What's goin' on Isles?"

Dragged out of her reverie, Maura glanced at Gabby and offered a sad smile. "I just needed to get out of the house."

"Jane still moping?"

"She refuses to eat more than a few bites and she won't get out of bed. I'm worried, Gabby."

"Have you tried telling her that?" Gabby hated seeing the worry in Maura's eyes. She knew that Maura didn't always outwardly express her deepest emotions, but that she did feel them deeply. Maura mostly expressed the depth of her emotions in desperate times, choosing to be more measured any other time; at least that had been Gabby's experience.

"I don't want to pressure her with my feelings. She has been working incredibly hard on her issues. Setbacks are inevitable. She needs to know that I support her and that I am not going anywhere."

"Well, have you at least told her that last part? Maybe she's retreating further because she's scared you're struggling with her setback?" Gabby knew Maura was more than intelligent enough to have figured that out already, so she worried that she was actually struggling with it. "Are you okay, Maura? I mean, really okay? It's not easy living with a person going through bad depression."

Maura shrugged. She hadn't taken time to analyse how any of it was making her feel other than worried. "I just want to be able to help Jane."

Gabby brushed her hand through her hair and glanced back towards the parking lot. Melissa was finally retrieving her gear and wandering over in their direction. "You can't. Not really. Not in any way that will satisfy that need within you Maura. She's going to have days where she won't eat. Days where she won't get out of bed. Days where she just isn't going to care and she's gonna hurt. She's going to hurt so much, and it's going to leave you feeling so helpless when you realise that all you can do is be there, and some days that won't even seem like enough."

Maura followed Gabby's gaze and caught sight of Melissa. Returning her focus to Gabby she saw the woman roughly wipe a tear away. Gabby had been speaking from her own painful experience. An experience that actually gave Maura a renewed feeling of hope, because Melissa was doing so much better now. "I apologise, Gabby. I forgot that you are painfully aware of how all this feels."

Gabby smiled wearily. "Just because it won't feel satisfying to you, that you won't feel like you're helping, just know that by being there, by being you, it does make a difference. She may not be able to acknowledge it, but she'll feel it. Somewhere, deep down in the furthest reaches of her soul, she'll feel it." Her eyes returned to Melissa who was almost upon them, "She'll return to you."

Melissa heard the last part and shot an inquisitive glance at Gabby who simply stood and pulled her into her arms. Dropping her kitbag Melissa wrapped her arms around Gabby in return. She was a little confused. "What'd I miss?"

"Nothing," Gabby said softly, pressing a kiss against Melissa's cheek. "Sorry for storming off."

From the strength of Gabby's grip, she knew whatever it was had struck somewhere close to home. "It's okay, I shouldn't have been so dismissive."

Gabby pulled back and nodded. She wasn't used to having so little control over the emotions she felt. It still felt awkward when she would follow her heart swell of emotion, but she recognised that at least it did make her more affectionate. Just as she had been in that moment, where she was transported to a time when Melissa had struggled, and she didn't know if they would make it out the other side. Nevermind everything else that happened between them since.

Gabby turned to Maura, "Excuse me for a minute."

"By all means." Maura watched Gabby and Melissa walk away, turning her eyes back to the diamond.

"I shouldn't have been so frustrated with you," Gabby said as they made their way to the canteen seating. "It's not your fault Jane's being an ass to Maura. It's not even her fault."

"Did I just hear that right? Did you just say something nice on Jane's behalf?" Melissa was mostly teasing, trying to help her girlfriend relax. She was starting to put together what conversation she walked in on. Jane's depression must have been flaring up. "It get bad again?"

"Yeah. Maura's struggling with feeling helpless."

"Ahh." She cast her eyes back to the bleachers and felt bad. Even though it had been in her own mind, she had been such a jerk about the friendship Gabby and Maura had because of her own feelings, and Maura was really struggling. "I'm such a dick," she muttered.

Gabby's brow creased and she moved in front of Melissa and placed her hands on her girlfriend's shoulders. "You are not."

"Maybe not outwardly, but inwardly. Inwardly I fucking hate this friendship you have with Maura right now." Melissa said more in explanation, than anger. Thankfully the stupid grin on Gabby's face saved her from feeling even worse for having admitted it outloud.

"You're jealous." Gabby's voice was annoyingly sing-songy.

Melissa rolled her eyes. "I'm not worried about any of that you goofball. I just thought we should all take more time to heal." She turned to look back at Maura and shook her head, "I just didn't really stop to think what she was going through and that you are absolutely the best person to help her through it."

Gabby stared lovingly at Melissa allowing those words to sink in, and then wiped at her eyes when she felt more tears come. "Oh for fucks sake, those goddamn surgeons bloody broke me when they poked around in my brain."

Melissa wiped the last of the moisture from Gabby's cheek and leaned forward to kiss her softly. She pulled back and smiled, "I dunno, I think I like this version of you a lot better."

Gabby leaned in and kissed Melissa again, this time she placed a hand in the small of her girlfriend's back and pulled her closer. She savoured the kiss as it deepened naturally.

"Oh my God, get a room you two," Monica called out playfully, pointing two of her fingers at her own mouth as if she was going to make herself throw up.

Gabby pulled away from the kiss and turned to look at Monica and Brad and smirked before leaning back in and kissing her girlfriend once more. She pulled away for real a few moments later and asked, "Aren't you guys here a bit early by your standards?"

"Melissa texted me, said Maura could do with a friend right now and thus," Monica pointed at her giant teddy bear of a man and grinned, "here he is."

Brad placed Monica's gear down on the table nearby and placed a chaste kiss to Monica's lips before heading over to the bleachers.

"Ewww, get a room you two!" Melissa mocked mischievously.

Monica rolled her eyes and punched Melissa in the shoulder. "Hello to you too, miss MVP."

"Don't even start." Melissa shook her head at Monica, who hadn't stopped annoying her with that fact since she arrived home from nationals.

"Yes, please don't." Gabby said with a smirk, before adding, "Her ego is already big enough as is." She sidestepped away from the playful slap Melissa threw her way.

"Just for that, I'm not gonna take it easy on you today." Melissa poked her tongue out at Gabby and moved over to where Monica had sat down.

"As if you would have anyway," Gabby scoffed. In six years her Eagles had only won one grand final. Melissa had so many bragging rights it was annoying. "I probably should put in my transfer papers over the winter."

"Yes, you absolutely should." Monica agreed wholeheartedly.

Melissa smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Gabby was so happy, and she just knew she would end up blowing it all to hell. She really wanted to play for Chicago. She really wanted to chase her dream. She took a mental snapshot of the stupid grin on Gabby's face, that was what she wanted to remember in the dark times to come. That's what she wanted to remember for the rest of her life.

The longer the game went on the more sure Monica became that something was really wrong with Melissa. She had played terribly, misfielding once, and grounding out twice. Everyone had bad days, so that alone wasn't too alarming, but the way she sat at the end of the dugout, eyes focused solely on Gabby until it was time for her to move was unusual behaviour.

Monica sat down next to her best friend and asked, "What aren't you telling me?"

"Even the MVP can have a bad day," Melissa retorted, but her heart wasn't in it. She was just so proud to see Gabby back out there, back behind the plate, playing an outstanding game. Her girlfriend had driven in runs and caught exceptionally well. All that combined with her terrible game and the Eagles still only led by a single run.

"Missy, you're watching Gabby like you're never gonna see her again. You're going home together." Monica disliked being so out of the loop, knowledge was required to successfully navigate everything that made up who Melissa was.

"She's just so happy Mon, it's nice. She's playing so well."

Monica studied her friend for a minute, and then she asked, "Are you playing badly on purpose?"

Melissa turned then to look at her friend and shook her head in the negative. "The thought crossed my mind, but no. I have had the worst game of my life and it's all despite my best efforts."

"I wouldn't mind if you were, you know." Monica admitted. It was just a local competition. They all loved the game, and at the end of the day most of the players socialised together regardless of team affiliation. Everyone on the team had enjoyed premiership glory already, nobody was being robbed of an experience.

"Wouldn't do it to the girls, they've worked hard to be here."

"Honestly don't think they would care at this point, and with how bad you've played they're either already assuming you're throwing the game, or if you did do something deliberate from this point, would just think it's part of the worst game of your life." Monica whispered, convinced that there was still something going on she didn't understand. She just knew that Gabby coming out on top in this encounter was so important to Melissa that she was self sabotaging without even realising it.

"I just want her to have the best day." Melissa admitted, "Maybe I'm in my own head because of that. I'm sorry, I'll try to focus better."

Monica patted Melissa on the back and said, "Things have a way of working out."

Melissa hoped so. She couldn't actively throw the game, she just wasn't built that way and she feared if she had been subconsciously self sabotaging she was now all too aware of it and would return to her old self.

The Saints scored two runs that inning and took the lead. With one and a half innings left in the game, it was going to be a nailbiter. Melissa ran out to her position in the outfield for the bottom of the sixth and locked in mentally. She made sure to back up then walk in with each pitch to make sure she was on the move should the ball come in her direction, but it didn't. It didn't because Monica had inexplicably walked two batters, and now Gabby was at bat. Melissa sighed. She had a terrible feeling she knew exactly what was coming.

Monica's pitch hung out over the plate and Melissa watched as the ball sailed deep into left field, beyond her teammate. She ran over for the cut off throw and caught it, turning she saw Gabby rounding third, without even hesitating she threw the ball towards home with a fierce velocity. The ball hit the catcher's glove at practically the same moment Gabby dropped and slid over home plate, however the catcher reached down and missed the tag. The umpire threw his arms out and signalled Gabby was safe.

Melissa hung her head, Saints were now down two. Monica looked at her then and everything she suspected was confirmed. She glanced over at the Eagles dugout and Gabby was high fiving her teammates, happy as could be. Melissa just wanted to cry. She wasn't angry with Monica for setting Gabby up to be the hero, she was incredibly overwhelmed at her friend's love for them both. Monica proceeded to strike out the next three batters.

Melissa jogged to the dugout and got ready for her at bat, knowing she had to try and undo all of what Monica had just done. Melissa would be the fourth up, if anybody managed to get on base ahead of her. If they didn't score at least two runs, there would be no need for the bottom of the seventh.

Monica walked over and stood next to her. "Hell of a thing, couldn't hit the side of a barn if I tried at the start of that last inning."

"Well you limited the damage, nice recovery." It was all the words she didn't say that left them standing side by side watching their team's final batting inning unfold without sharing another word.

The lead off hitter did their job and got on base, which made Melissa feel good, barring any double plays she might get a chance to tie the game. The next hitter struck out and Melissa departed for the on deck circle. The ball was hit with force but straight into the left fielder's glove. Though after tagging up the lead off hitter had slid safely into second on the unintentional sacrifice fly. One out left, runner in scoring position and she was up to bat. All she had to do was hit a home run and the game would be extended.

Melissa placed her back foot in the batter's box and looked down at Gabby, summoning all her bravado she said, "Nice hit last inning. Watch me erase that lead."

Gabby laughed. She had seen Melissa's terrible day unfold, and admittedly at first she wondered if Melissa had actually been throwing the game, but that bullet from the outfield that nearly got her out had alayed her fears. Her girlfriend was simply having the worst game. "If anyone can, you can." She encouraged.

Melissa brought her front foot into the box and the bat up and watched and waited. She tuned out everything around her and latched onto a pitch that was a little wide, the result was a deep double. The runner made it home, but she had to pull up at second. The competitor in Melissa cursed herself because the next hitter was Monica and her friend had already made her intentions clear, but the girlfriend in her was quite content. Monica skied the ball into shallow left field, the Eagles shortstop ran back and took a nice catch, ending the game. Eagles victorious by a single run.

Melissa immediately started shaking hands with the Eagles players before heading back into the dugout. She caught up with Monica and gave her a side hug, whispering a simple, "Thank you."

Monica shrugged and hugged Melissa back. It was just a game. Melissa's happiness meant more to her than any game ever would, and now nobody would ever have to know or even suspect. Melissa had played well at the end, but came up just short of heroics. Most importantly, Gabby would never know. She would just be euphoric, and that euphoria was what Melissa had wanted for her girlfriend. Monica still didn't know why, but she suspected that in time she would.

"You missed a good game Jane." Maura said, sitting at the foot of the bed, her hand massaging Jane's calf. She had been pleasantly surprised to see that Jane had at least consumed the orange juice and moved the food tray to the dresser. Her girlfriend was awake, but mopey and so she resolved to take Gabby's advice. Just be there, be supportive. "I know you're struggling at the moment, but I just wanted to remind you that I love you and that I believe in you."

Jane rolled Maura's comments around in her brain for a little while. Eventually she drew the covers open a little and waited to see if Maura caught her drift. She wasn't feeling verbal, but she wanted to be able to hold Maura, and thank her. Maura kicked off her shoes and joined Jane in the bed. Jane's arms wrapped around Maura and she pressed her lips against her forehead.

Maura adjusted and brought her head to rest against Jane's chest, content to listen to her breathing. It wouldn't be easy, but she would endure. Her arm wrapped lazily across Jane's middle and she closed her eyes. There were so many more practical things she could be doing, but there was nowhere else she would rather be than right there with Jane.

Before long Maura felt like Jane's breathing had evened out and she had fallen back to sleep. "I'm so very sorry Jane," she murmured, "I was so foolish to have ever acted like I wouldn't welcome you back. You didn't need that pressure, my love, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

Jane had reached that relaxed state between sleep and consciousness and heard every word. She didn't say anything, she didn't need to. The mere existence of that apology, even if made when Maura thought she was asleep, was all she needed to know that Maura was worth every second of heartache.

Jane fell asleep with the knowledge there was a steadfast beacon guiding her way through the dark. She was safe, she was found and she was where she belonged.

A/N: I finished the story tonight. So I am not going to make you wait too much, I'm going to upload all once I have proofread again. If you could be so kind as to keep telling me how the last chapters make you feel on each chapter I would appreciate it, every little review just inspires me further. Takes me to a happy place.