Ana
„We are back home Arielle... did you enjoy your first vacation?" I whisper as I watch my sleeping daughter in her crib and sigh. I wish we could have stayed away for longer, but I know that wouldn't have been a solution to what is wrong in our lives.
It's been two months since we found out what has happened to Christian and I was so livid at first... angry for what was done to him... to all of us really... and then I was just tired. Christian has made no progress... it's like the world as we know it doesn't even exist to him and it's so heartbreaking to watch that I needed to get out for a couple of days.
I was wearing myself out between visiting Christian, talking to his Doctor... finding out new horrible details about everything Elena and John have been involved in almost every day through the police or the news and taking care of my daughter.
So, I rented a cabin on Bainbridge Island, told everyone in my life not to contact me unless there was an emergency and didn't look at the newspaper for the five days Arielle and I stayed there.
It was heaven, nothing but peace and quiet for a change. It was what I needed to relax and get new strength to deal with what has become my life. And on the last day, I realized that I may know a way to bring Christian back. His selective mutism is a form of self-preservation. One he has chosen before, back when he was a small, scared boy. And what had gotten him to speak was his protectiveness of Mia. Grace had once told me that he first started to speak when she was at home with him and Mia, Grace had to take a phone call and left the room for just a minute... which was enough for little Mia to crawl over to Elliot's Legos and nearly choke on one of the pieces. Christian saw it and started screaming Mia, Mia! Alerting Grace who was able to help Mia.
So, maybe we need to find a way to awake his protectiveness of the people he loves. I'm not sure how to get there or what to do... but maybe that is the way to get through to him.
As I look at my sleeping little angel, I envy her... her life is simple... every day holds new wonders for her and she doesn't even understand the concept of evil yet. Lately, I have been feeling way older than my years. Had to make so many decisions and in the process of doing so, I have realized that Christian isn't the only one to blame for basically controlling every aspect of my life.
I let him do that. I never fought him over anything, not the clothes, not when he didn't want Jose around me, not when he made me a CEO, I let him do all of that and at the same time expected him to see me as his equal, when in reality, not even I saw myself as his equal. This doesn't justify any of the lies he has told and the decisions he has made, given I still don't know which of the lies have been his and which came from Elena and John, but maybe if I had stood up to him more, things would have never turned out this way.
Or maybe I would have left him years ago, but I don't even want to go there because had I made different choices, Arielle would be here and this little human being means the world to me and I know Christian feels the same. Even with all the manipulation that had been done to him, he was there the second his daughter needed him...
Suddenly, I know what to do and get up to call Dr. Harper.
„Mrs. Grey, I hope you had a good vacation, your husband is... well the same." He says.
„Dr. Harper, I would like to try something, back in his childhood, it was his baby sister who got him to talk. Do you think it would be safe if I was to bring my daughter to see her father?" I ask. I really want to help Christian, but at the same time, I won't put my daughter at risk if the doctor thinks this is not a good idea.
„I don't see any problem with that, Mrs. Grey. Your husband is not a threat to anyone at the moment. I wouldn't advise to leave her alone with him, just because he may not react to her at all, but a supervised visit is certainly ok."
„Good... are there any changes?"
„No, we did, however, notice that Mr. Grey has shown signs of slight irritation when you didn't show up at your usual visiting hours."
„Irritation?"
„Well, he is usually very focused on writing his notes, but for the last few days, he kept getting up and looking out the door. I guess at least this shows us that he is aware of your visits even he doesn't document them or any of his other visitors."
„Do you think there is a chance to help him?" I ask voicing my fears because part of me is afraid that there has been too much damage done to him and there is no way to bring him back.
„Yes, I do believe with time and therapy your husband will be able to be himself again or given everything that was done to him, maybe this will be his chance to find out who he truly is." Dr. Harper says and I do hope he is right.
In the afternoon I arrive at the clinic with Arielle and once inside it's all the same, Christian is scribbling his notes, not even looking up. So, I sit down and start to talk.
„I took Arielle on her first vacation... we went to Bainbridge Island and stayed at a beautiful little cottage. I took her to the beach... we went out for walks and just enjoyed the peace and quiet." I say.
„Don't you want to say hello to your daughter, Christian?" I ask knowing he won't react, he never reacts to anyone talking to him.
„Oh, you are here, darling." I hear Grace and turn to look at her, but she just stares wide-eyed into Christian's direction and realize that he has gotten up and is now kneeling in front of Arielle who is in her bouncer seat.
„Do you want to hold her?" I ask and see the tiniest nod from him.
„Just sit down here." I say and get up from the chair I was sitting in. When he is sitting I take Arielle from her bouncer seat and place her in Christian's arms. To say that I'm nervous about this would be an understatement, but at the same time, even in the current condition he is in, I could not picture him hurting her.
I watch them with Grace, him holding her, both of them looking at each other and it's almost as if they are communicating without words, but even though I know that this is a huge step for Christian, I had hoped for more.
Over the next two weeks, it's always the same, I come to visit with Arielle, he holds her and when I leave he goes back to write his notes, not acknowledging me or the fact that Arielle was there in them.
On this day, however, Arielle has to stay at home, she had to get vaccinated the other day was a bit fussy all day, so I asked Grace to watch her while Elliot and I are visiting Christian and to my surprise when he stops by to pick him up Kate is with him.
„Hi Kate, are you going to visit Christian?"
„To be honest, I don't want to, because I believe he is playing..."
„Kate, that's enough!" Elliot snaps and I have never seen him this pissed.
„What is this about?"
„My wife has not visited my brother so far because she believes he is playing all of us, just so you won't go through with the divorce." Elliot says and I gape at Kate.
„Kate that is ridiculous. Yes, I agree, Christian would go a long way to stop the divorce, but not even he would go this far."
„How do you know, Ana? He might as well be fooling all of us. I'm not saying Flynn and that old bitch didn't fuck with his head, but he can be a master manipulator himself. From day one he didn't see you as his wife, he saw you as his property. I tried to stay out of it because he wasn't hurting you and you were happy, but this is messed up. I'm telling you, he is fucking playing you and not just you, but everyone else is playing you."
„Kate you've been my best friend since college, I love you like I would love a sister, but I do not want you anywhere near Christian. You can wait for Elliot and me to finish our visit." I snap. I know she is right in some way, Christian can be manipulative if he wants to, but he would never go this far and it doesn't even make sense. From his room, he has no way of monitoring me, no control over what I'm doing all day while I'm not with him. For all he knows, I could have another guy already living with me and he had no way of finding out.
„Fine, but don't come to me when you find out I'm right." She says and when we arrive at the clinic she stays behind in the car like a pouting child.
„I'm sorry, Ana... I wanted her to see that Christian's condition is real, but she is so fucking stubborn." Elliot sighs.
„Well, they are very much alike, so I guess it's hard for them to get along. You know, they are both very dominant... so it's like a constant pissing contest and sadly I'm the tree they are fighting over." I mutter and roll my eyes while Elliot is laughing.
„Let's go see Christian... and I promise I will stop him if he decides to mark his territory." He jokes and so we head inside and into Christian's room.
And I don't know what it is, but suddenly I'm furious that he is ignoring us again. I know he is not to blame for his current condition and that I should just leave, but I can't.
„Christian look at me!" I demand and get zero reaction.
„Ana... please, if you need a minute to calm down..."
„No, what I need is for him to acknowledge my fucking existence!" I fume, get up and take his notes and pen away.
„Ana please, stop it, we don't know what happens when he is pissed off." Elliot pleads, but I had enough. If he wants his fucking notes back, he will have to ask for them.
We watch as Christian gets up and tries to grab another notepad and pen from the drawer of his bedside table, but I snatch that away from him too.
Christian seems to get nervous, looking around for something to write on, but there is nothing else there and suddenly he looks directly at me and comes to stand in front of me holding his hand out to me.
„If you want this back, you have to ask for it." I say staring back at him. I have no idea what is going through his mind and for some stupid reason I feel transported back to the day Leila pulled a gun on me and Christian went all submissive on me afterward. Only this time, he might be actually broken and won't be able to break through his silence.
„Ana... I really don't think this is a good idea. I think he is getting pissed." Elliot warns.
„Great, I take any emotion over none at all." I reply and continue to stare at Christian never breaking eye contact.
„No, you don't get it... when he wouldn't speak as a child and he wouldn't get what he wanted he got pissed and threw a tantrum. I know you want to break through to him and so do I, but you getting hurt in the process is not the right way to do it."
„God damn it, Christian, talk to me... I know you see me, just talk to me... say something... please!" I demand and when he remains silent I cannot take this any longer, slam the notepads and pens back on the table and leave the room.
I just don't know what to do anymore. He is not talking and nothing either of us does is helping. Maybe he has just given up. Maybe there is no way to get him back and I have to accept that he is a lost cause, but I just don't want to believe that. There has to be a way to get Christian back.
After walking around aimlessly for about fifteen minutes I return to Christian's room because I want to say goodbye before the visiting time is up.
„Better?" Elliot asks and I shake my head.
„We'll get him back, Ana. He just needs more time."
„I don't even know if he knows who we are Elliot. What if his brain is... I don't know fried for lack of a better word." I sigh and Elliot stares at the note Christian has just put to the other notes that we know will be on the wall tomorrow.
„He knows... here." Elliot says and pushes the note to me.
April 10th 2018 3:30 pm - Ana came to visit me; She is my light -