Grace
Visiting Christian is heartbreaking, it reminds me of the first time I met him as a scared little boy. Only this time it wasn't Ella who failed him as a mother, it was me when I didn't see what Elena was doing to him all those years ago. It especially breaks my heart for Ana.
She wanted to have children so much and now with everything that has happened, she can't even enjoy those precious for first months as a mother. I know their marriage is or was over, but I'm so thankful that Ana still cares enough about Christian to come here every day.
Over the last few days, she has been making progress with him. Forcing him to acknowledge her by taking his notes away and not giving them back unless he is giving her his attention. He hasn't said a word yet, but maybe this is the right way. It almost reminds me of his blankie that he would take everywhere with him when he was a little boy. It was like a safety net for him and maybe with him realizing, that he wasn't in control over his own life, those notes have become his security net, giving him peace of mind by providing him with information about everything he has done during the day.
When I arrive at the clinic I see Ana in the hospital looking nervous.
„Ana, are you alright sweetheart?"
„I have talked to Dr. Harper... we agreed that by allowing Christian to keep going with this behavior there won't be much progress. Two staff members are taking all of his notes away, Dr. Harper wants to see how he is going to react to it... maybe this will force him to talk." She says and I frown.
„I don't know if this is right, Ana."
„I know... I'm worried too, but we have to do something, Grace... and I bought this for him." She says and gets a digital recorder from her purse.
„He will still be able to document his day... only with this he has to speak." She says and I understand what she is trying, but I'm still scared that it will fire back and Christian will digress even further.
„It's done, Mrs. Grey, you can see him now. Please leave the door open, it's for your safety." The nurse says to Ana and so we enter Christian's room finding him visibly upset and pacing. I myself have no idea what to do, but Ana approaches him and takes his hand in hers.
„I know this is upsetting, but we need you to come back to us... so you can get help. Here this is for you." Ana says and places the small gadget on the table in Christian's room, while he eyes it for a moment.
„You will still be able to document your day, but you will have to talk to do so. If you get bored without the writing, I brought you these." She says and places two 1000 piece puzzles on the table and Christian's annoyed expression almost makes me want to laugh.
„Don't look at me like that... because I have something else for you." She says and places a cell phone on his desk.
„You can't go online with it and the only numbers that are not blocked are mine, Elliot's, Mia's and your parents... neither of us will answer any texts... if you want to communicate with us, you have to call us." She further explains.
We watch Christian as he continues to pace, ignoring everything and everyone, but in the end, with the look of utter frustration on his face he sits down and takes one of the puzzles.
I'm still not convinced that this is going to help, but maybe by not allowing him to continue the behavior he has shown ever since he got here, he will have to talk to us eventually.
As we leave Ana invites me over to her home to see Arielle and once there we sit down and I address a topic I have been thinking about a lot lately.
„Ana, what happens when Christian gets better?"
„What do you mean?"
„Will you finalize the divorce?"
„Not until I know that he can deal with it. Look, I still love him, I guess part of me always will. But, even if everything that happened was partial to blame on Elena and John, there is still the fact that he did things without them telling him to. He bought an art gallery and stayed in touch with a former submissive of his, one that at one point had been so mentally unstable that she broke into the apartment I shared with Kate and held me at gunpoint."
„What, when did this happen?"
„A couple of weeks after we started dating, it was the same week that he and Ros crashed with Charlie Tango."
„Dear God, she held you at gunpoint?"
„Yes, and he never even considered telling me that he was still in touch with her. And it's not just that Grace... it's the fact that Christian needs me too much, to the point that he has been controlling almost every aspect of my life and I let him. I'm to blame too because I turned a blind eye to everything that was not ok in our marriage instead of addressing it and telling him that this is not right. It's toxic and not good for either of us. I have started seeing a therapist once a week for a few weeks now to help me figure out what I want from life."
„So there is no hope?" I ask because, for as much as I know that she is right, there will always be a part of me that will be sad for both of them if they can't work it out.
„I'm not saying that... maybe there is a way back to each other for us, but I feel like we need to end this marriage if we want to eventually get there... close this chapter and see what the future may hold for us." She says and I nod, she is right. They both need to focus on their own issues and fix them, instead of holding on to something that is clearly broken and maybe with time they will be able to create something new together.
Ana
It has been a week since we took Christian's notes away, but still, he hasn't said a word though at least he seems to be more aware of his surroundings since then. Today, I wanted to visit him, but I couldn't. I have been coming down with something for days now and today the flu finally hit me full force.
I've been coughing, sneezing, and freezing while having a fever since the morning. Gail brought Arielle to stay with Grace and Carrick because I don't want her to get sick too. So, now I have my medicine, a bottle of ginger ale and cough drops along with a huge box of kleenex surrounding me in bed, where I try to read a bit, between falling asleep.
I hope Christian will be fine because there will be no visitors today. Elliot and Kate are on vacation with their kids, Carrick is doing court, Grace is at Bellevue with Arielle, but on call and the clinic is too far away if she has to go in for an emergency and Mia wasn't feeling good either today.
When my phone rings I try to ignore it, but then grab it and nearly drop it when I see that it is the number of the phone I have given to Christian. He hasn't used it once since he got it, so I'm a bit worried how this is going to work, but I accept the call.
„Christian?" I ask and hear him breathe, but he isn't saying anything and suddenly my throat starts to itch sending me into a fit of coughing that makes me fight to breathe and then I hear it.
„Ana!"
„It's ok, I'm fine... just the flu." I get out, shocked what hearing his voice after what has felt like an eternity does to me.
„Ana." He says again.
„I'm here... talk to me." I say while reaching for my tablet to sent his doctor a message to let him know that Christian is talking.
„I lost it." He said quietly.
„Lost what?"
„My control." He confesses and it makes me want to cry for him. He is so desperate to be in control of his life and surroundings that realizing he wasn't has reduced him to this.
„You'll get better, but you have to talk to us, talk to Dr. Harper. By shutting everyone out it won't get better."
„Are we... divorced?"
„No, we are not, not yet. And I don't want you to think about that now. I want you to put all your focus on getting better, trying to find yourself. I'm seeing someone too, a therapist, who is helping me to figure out who I am and what I want from life. And please, don't see us getting a divorce as a bad thing because it's not. It's just the end of one chapter for us... who knows how our story ends."
„I'm afraid you'll find someone else."
„Christian, dating is not even on my radar. And it wouldn't be fair to bring someone else into this when I know that a huge part of my heart still belongs to you."
„There was a time when it was all mine." He says sadly.
„I know and that wasn't healthy for either of us... plus there is this beautiful little girl in both our lives now and I'm pretty sure she owns a huge chunk of your heart too."
„I would have never let Elena near her... I understand now, Ana."
„I know; I know you didn't do it out of free will and I know you love our daughter... so make her your focus now. Get better, so you can leave the clinic and spent time with her."
„Can you bring her with you again?"
„Yes, I need a few days to get better, before I will be able to visit you again, but I will ask Grace to bring her to see you tomorrow."
„Thank you."
„She is our daughter, you never have to thank me for allowing you to spend time with her." I reply and it's true, I want them to have a great relationship, just like I have with my Dad and I feel like Arielle will also give Christian a reason to work on himself and get to a happy place in his life... one where he doesn't feel like his happiness is depending on someone else.
„Christian?" I hear Dr. Harper in the background.
„Talk to him... allow him to help you." I encourage Christian.
„Ok, I'll try." He says and so I end the call, hoping that he will be able to get through all of this, especially when he finds out what was done to him by Elena and John. Until now, we made sure he wouldn't find out because we feared he would build even more walls and would not be willing to work with Dr. Harper on getting better.
I sent a quick text to the entire Grey family and curl up around my pillow, hoping that this was the first step in the right direction for Christian. Lord knows, he has a ton issues, but I'm positive that he will be able to work through them and come out of all this stronger and able to find happiness for himself.