Christian
Today is my sixth therapy session with Dr. Harper and slowly my subconscious is stopping to tell me I should not talk to him. For the first two sessions I felt like fighting an inner battle with myself to get any word out, but since Ana and my family seem to trust him and I can't trust myself right now, I'm willing to give him a chance. Honestly, at this point, I'm willing to try anything to get back control over my life. Seeing myself on camera doing something I can't remember doing was such a shock to my system it took me back to a very dark place.
„Christian, how are you feeling today?"
„Have you heard from, Ana?" I ask instead of answering him.
„No, but your mother informed me that she is doing better and will be able to see you tomorrow, now how are you feeling?"
„Out of control."
„In what way?" The Doctor wants to know.
„As in me not having control over anything right now. I need control in my life, it's what keeps me sane."
„I assume in your career you need to be in control, but you have to understand that you can't be in control at all times, Christian. It's an impossible task and you will miss out on so much if you try to be."
„It is not impossible."
„It is, you cannot be in control at all times if you want to achieve that you would have to isolate yourself from any kind of influence from the outside. You may be able to control your own life, but you can't control everyone around you. Do you want to isolate yourself from everyone?"
„No."
„You know, Christian, I like to set goals for my patients. Small goals and end goals. What would be the next goal you want to achieve?" He asks and I know that one without a doubt.
„I want to go home."
„That is a very good goal and you have already taken steps into that direction, now what is the ultimate goal you want to achieve?"
„I don't want Ana to divorce me, I want her to move back home with Arielle so we can be a family."
„I see, well, we'll have to see if that is a goal you can achieve with time. Just keep in mind, you will always be a family with your wife. No matter if you remain married or divorce. Your child will make you a family for the rest of your life and there are many families with divorced parents that are perfectly functional... maybe not in a traditional way, but functional all the same."
„No, I need Anastasia to be my wife... she can never be with someone else." I insist.
„I understand that you don't wish for the divorce to be finalized, but you do realize that what you just said sounded more like ownership than love."
„That might be true, but Ana is mine."
„Christian, you can't own people. Your wife is not your property and you have to see that. It's not healthy for you or her to view her like that. If your wife does not want to remain in this marriage you cannot force her. She has a free will and if it is telling her that your marriage is over you have to respect that and learn to accept it."
„You don't understand, Dr. Harper. I'm fucked up... I'm rude, aloof, ruthless even... my wife is the opposite... she is everything that is good and pure... she is the light to my darkness... without her I'm alone in the dark... she makes me see the world differently... and I need her in my life."
Dr. Harper looks at me makes some notes. „Do you believe it is fair to put your wife on such a pedestal... to hold her to such high standards?"
„I don't understand?"
„You see, there is not one person on this planet that is perfect. Not you, not me and not your wife, so by holding her to the high standards you do, she will wear herself thin. And above all of that, you can't rely on someone else for your happiness. You can be happy with her, but you have to find happiness and the good within yourself to live a full life. As long as you consider yourself as fucked up, you will be just that and even worse people will see you like that because that's the energy you are putting out there. Tell five me things you like about yourself." He says and his question catches me completely off guard.
„I... I don't know." I finally admit... this is bullshit.
„Here, let me give you an example. I like about myself that I'm very open-minded and never judge a person for what they believe in or how they live. I like that I'm a family guy and that even though I have left the army over ten years ago I'm still in great shape... now tell me what you like about yourself, even if you can only come up with one thing."
I think about it for a while and come up blank, everything I like about myself is basically that I got Ana to marry me and that I fathered my daughter, though even I know that I shouldn't even dare to take any credit for Arielle's existence after I have done everything I could for Ana not to get pregnant.
„Christian, are you still with me?"
„Yes... but there is nothing I like about myself." I admit and it feels utterly shattering to admit that out loud.
„Then this is one of the goals we are going to establish, because if there is nothing you like about yourself how can you expect anyone else to like you." He says and as much as I want to tell him to fuck off, I know he is right and the bitter thought crosses my mind that if there isn't anything likable about me the people in my life I have allowed in are most likely only in my life because they feel pity for me.
For the entire rest of the day, I try to come up with things about myself that I like, but it all comes down to the fact, that there is nothing I like about myself.
The next day when I step into Dr. Harper's office I stop in my tracks because Ana is there too and just seeing her makes my mood so much better.
„Hi Christian." She says and I look around to see if Arielle is there too, but she isn't.
„Arielle?" I ask.
„She is at home, Dr. Harper thought it would be a good idea for me to be here for your therapy session today." She says and I nod and take a seat next to her, trying to ignore the way she stiffens next to me as a reaction to me being close to her.
„So, Christian, have you thought about what we have talked about yesterday?" Dr. Harper asks.
„Yes, but there is nothing I like about myself." I let him know and Ana gasps, but I can't bring myself to look at her and see the pity in her eyes.
„Good, so, Ana can you name a few things you like about Christian?"
„Of course, I like how protective he is of his family, that he is involved in many charities and always tries to make this world a better place." She says without missing a beat.
„Are you donating to charities?" Dr. Harper asks me and I nod.
„Well, being generous when it comes to a good cause is something you should like about yourself." He points out.
„Maybe... but even my wife can't name five things." I counter and Ana's silence is speaking volumes.
„Good, let's talk about this. Ana, Christian has told me that his ultimate goal is to not get a divorce and be a happy family with you and your daughter."
This time I do look at Ana and I can't tell whatever she is about to say is not easy for her.
„I want us to be a family too... but I also believe that we need to finalize the divorce. All the lies... the manipulation... our marriage is utterly broken Christian... there is no way to fix the cracks, because the lies had already begun before we even said our vows... both you and I have to work on ourselves first and maybe by the end of it we can start a new chapter together, but before that can happen we need to close the old one."
„No, you'll never come back to me." I insist and she surprises me by taking my hands in hers and we both gasp when the familiar tingle runs through our veins.
„See, it's still there... but it's not enough right now... I need to figure my life out, I'm in therapy too because you are not the only one to blame. I never spoke up, tried to be what you want me to be, to fit into the perfect illusion you have made me to be in your head. And that's not healthy, not for me or you. You see me as some sort of magic cure for all your issues, but I'm not and everything that has happened has taught me one thing... I can't fix you, Christian... the only one who can do that is yourself."
„No, you helped me so much, Ana."
„Not enough to make you see how vile Elena is or to see what was happening to you... to us, until it was way too late. I still love you, but I also don't know who the real you is... and I can't be with you when I have to question that. I don't want you out of my life, Christian. We'll always be a family, but I feel that we need to end our marriage and see where that leads us."
„But you'll never come back to me." I reply it's true, she will see that she can be with someone else, someone who isn't as fucked up.
„You don't know that." Ana says.
„I do, Ana... I know that I'm fucked up beyond repair..."
„Stop saying that, Christian... don't you see that by seeing yourself that way you'll never get better. And worse, you make everyone else see you like that when it's just not true." She says pissed.
„It's who I am." I shrug and she gets up.
„No, it's not. Why do you always dwell on your past? Can't you see all the good in your life... everything you've achieved, even with the old bitch and John trying to drag you down." She says frustrated and it makes me smile.
„It's not funny, Christian... you want me to stay in this marriage? Then your goal shouldn't be to convince me to stay married to you but to learn how to love yourself. I mean, how can you expect me to love you and be your wife when you say yourself that there isn't one thing you love about yourself?"
„The only good thing about myself is that you are my wife." I reply quietly.
„But that's not right, Christian... don't you see that your need to keep me in your life is partially what drove us apart. All the lies... everything... it's like you are obsessed. Look, I'm to blame too, because I never said anything when I should have, but I was equally needy and scared to lose you... but that is no way to be together... it's toxic. This is why I want us to get a divorce and go back to the start. I want you in my life... and yes, I want us to be a family, but I also want us to be happy with ourselves. I can't be the only thing in your life that makes you happy... it's not healthy for either of us... don't you see that?"
I look at my wife, really look at her. Trying to understand what she is saying and though I don't want to, I feel like she is right. I can't expect her to love me when I truly hate myself especially when I now see that she too is suffering.
„Why did you never tell me how you feel?"
„Because I was scared... I wanted to be everything you see in me... but it's too much. I'm not perfect Christian... I am and always was just an ordinary girl and I can't live up to the picture of me you have painted in your head. Maybe if I had said something before it would have never come this far and I'm so sorry I didn't realize what was happening to you, but I truly believe us getting a divorce is the only way to somehow find our way back to each other." She says and tears fall from her eyes.
„No, please don't cry." I say and hug her. „I get what you are trying to say... I'm just so scared you'll find someone else... but I don't want you to feel like you have to live up to impossible standards at all times... and maybe you are right, maybe we need to end this marriage to start over... so, I guess I have to let you go." I say and it's the hardest thing I ever had to do in all of my life, but for some reason, it feels right. We've found each other once, so hopefully, we will find our way back to each other...