A/N: Wow, I broke some hearts with the previous chapter, huh? Sorry, guys, but it was a necessary evil. Props to Droolia for catching the Hemingway quote. Now, everybody take a deep breath because we're far from done yet!
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 13
Nothing worked.
Jess knew it was going to be tough after Rory left and went back home to Connecticut, but he hadn't expected it to be quite this bad. As sickeningly poetic as it seemed, it was as if a piece of him went with her, all the way to the east coast, and Jess couldn't function without it. He tried, of course he did, he had no choice, but it just didn't work.
Time spent at home was mostly in solitude since he was no kind of company for anyone. Working at Dante's, he was going through the motions like a zombie, but Jess couldn't seem to help it. Any more than he could stop himself when he snapped at people and closed doors with too much force. All this pent-up frustration was killing him by degrees, and it was almost worse knowing that it wasn't over.
If Jess knew he was never going to see Rory again, it might actually have been easier, in a way. He would have to get over her, there would be no second choice. As it was, there was undefined talk of visitation, of Jess going to spend time with Luke and meet Liz. Maybe Thanksgiving or Christmas, plans weren't settled yet, and that was worse than knowing there were no plans at all.
The bad mood Jess found himself in sure didn't help with the paper he still needed to complete for school. The days crept by, just a couple of weeks of vacation left and still he hadn't made a start. Actually, that wasn't quite true. He had started the essay at least twenty times over the span of the break, but never once had he made it to the end.
Turning his pen around and around in his fingers, Jess eventually threw the thing with all the force he possessed, straight out of the window and into the beyond. His eyes closed and his hand went to his forehead, another headache settling in for the day, he was sure. It was tension and stress, Sasha said. He needed to relax, find a way to make peace with his situation. As if it was that easy.
Situations like these, a person was supposed to count their blessings, think how lucky they were compared to others. Jess was well aware that there were a whole mess of people in the world that were having a worse time than he was. The starving, the dying, the sick, the bereaved. People dealing with earthquakes, some held as slaves, others living in war zones. Those much closer to home, living on the breadline, unemployed, in the midst of divorce, taking a beating from someone who was supposed to love them. Jess had such an easy life in comparison to so many others, so he should get over himself already. Unfortunately, it was not so simple.
Getting up from the desk chair, Jess headed for the door and all but tore it open, surprised to find Lilly on the other side looking forlorn.
"I don't understand," she said, holding up a book that Jess recognised.
She was back on Little Women again. Over the last few weeks, she had ducked in and out of Alcott's novel, dependant on what was happening within the pages. Each plot twist that upset her in some way led her to reading something else, something new, something she was more comfortable with, but eventually she returned, determined as she was to complete Little Women before the summer was through.
"What don't you understand?" asked Jess, trying to keep the tired frustration out of his voice and not really managing it.
Beth had already died, nothing was worse than that, as far as he remembered. Clearly, Lil wasn't convinced.
"Jo and Laurie love each other, I know they do!" she said desperately. "That means they're supposed to get the happy ending, but he's hanging out with Amy so much... she doesn't deserve him. And Jo is making friends with Bhaer. He's nice but... but she's supposed to be with Laurie!"
Jess closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He hadn't even thought about Rory meeting someone else now they were apart. It was tough enough being without her, even after only a few days. Lilly's earlier comparison of him and Rory with the characters from Little Women gave him pause for thought, made him consider the very real possibility of Rory moving on now she was home, maybe even returning to her ex.
"Jess, I don't like it. Please tell me it gets better," his little sister whined.
Jess shook his head.
"Not everything in life is happily ever after, Lil," he told her sharply.
"But... but in books..." she said desperately, holding it up to him.
"Damnit, Lilly! If you don't like the book, don't read it!" he yelled, picking the novel from her hands and throwing it forcefully down the hall.
He moved past her then, grabbing his jacket on his way to the front door. Sasha and Jimmy heard the commotion from the kitchen and both came out to see what was happening, but Jess moved faster than they could.
Outside the front door, he stopped, knowing what he had done and immediately hating himself. Even from out there he could here Lilly crying as she ran to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
"Jess!"
Jimmy came barrelling out of the front door after him, presumably surprised to find he hadn't gone very far down the front path.
"I'm sorry, okay?" he called over his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
He didn't turn around, because that would mean facing Jimmy and having some kind of conversation about this whole thing. Jess didn't have the words right now, or the temper. Though he heard Jimmy call his name behind him at least three times more, he kept on walking, out through the gate, down the street, no stopping.
Jess didn't know where he was going or what he would do when he got there. It didn't matter, he just needed to go. The sun was already high in the sky, burning hot on the jacket he was an idiot for wearing on a day like today. It didn't matter. He wasn't feeling much in any case, at least, not on the outside.
It was late when Jess got home. He had walked for miles, on the boardwalk, on the beach. Somehow, he felt as if he went far enough, maybe he could walk all these messed up feelings out of himself. It didn't work. Almost everything reminded him of Rory, and the things that didn't reminded him of his family, which was almost as bad. When he got back he was going to be in some serious trouble. He owed Lilly a real big apology, he knew that, and no doubt Jimmy and Sasha wouldn't be too impressed with his behaviour either. Honestly, Jess wasn't altogether impressed with himself right now, but no matter what he did, he couldn't seem to get over it.
"Before you say anything, I'm sorry, okay?" he said, hands in the air as he came into the house and found the parents sat on the couch together.
"We're not the people you owe an apology to," said Sasha with a look. "Lilly was devastated. She's never seen you like that."
"We've never seen you like that." Jimmy noted. "Jess, I know things are tough right now-"
"That's not an excuse. I know, I get it," he said, shaking his head. "I'm guessing it's past Lil's bedtime?"
He looked to his wrist even though he already knew his watch wasn't there. Before he could turn towards the clock, Sasha spoke.
"She's in bed, though I'm not sure if she'll be sleeping."
Jess closed his eyes and sank down into the arm chair. He knew he screwed up before, but seeing Sasha look so pissed with him was more evidence than he ever needed. She really didn't get mad much, and when she did, it was usually aimed at Jimmy, not Jess or Lil. She was one of the most understanding people that Jess had ever met and he loved her as if she were his own mother. Seeing that look on her face reminded him that she wasn't, that Lilly was her priority and he was just being an ass today.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to say, Jess," said Jimmy then. "You can't keep acting this way, you just... you can't."
"I know that," he admitted, letting out a sigh as he looked at them then. "I know."
The phone rang in the kitchen and Jimmy got up to answer it fast before it woke Lilly. He patted Jess on the shoulder as he passed by him, meant as some kind of comforting gesture, though it didn't do much good. Nothing did lately.
"I wish I knew what to say to you, Jess," said Sasha, shaking her head. "I want to help you, you know I do, but I can't fix what you're feeling."
"I'd appreciate it if you could figure out a way," he said, with a sad smile. "Y'know I really am sorry about Lil. I'll make it up to her, I swear," he promised faithfully.
"I know you will," she said, expression softening as she looked at him. "Oh, Jess. You're not a bad kid, I know that, but you gotta think before you open that mouth of yours. You're growing up, becoming this amazing young man, but Lil's still a kid. She can't understand what you're going through. When you treat her that way, she just wonders what she did wrong, why her big brother suddenly hates her."
"I could never hate her."
"I know that, but it's different when you're ten."
Jess nodded that he understood. He recalled how he felt about his mother as a child, how it had changed over time. At Lil's age, he saw Liz as a woman who didn't love him enough to care for him as a baby, or to come looking for him later. It was as simple and clean-cut as that in his head. As he got older, his opinion changed. He wanted to hate her for what she had done, but he was starting to understand how tough life could feel, how love screwed you up, how outside forces could influence your decisions. Sometimes it was easier to make a clean break. Maybe Liz had decided that Jess was better off without her. Maybe she thought she was better off without him or Jimmy. That she could be stronger and hold herself together more easily with no-one else depending on her.
The frustration and confusion that came so often with all his mixed-up thoughts must have showed on his face, because suddenly Sasha was on the arm on Jess' chair, her hand to his head.
"You're going to make yourself sick," she told him, fixing his hair the way only a mother would, checking he wasn't physically ill with the back of her hand against his forehead. "I know it's tough on you, but you gotta find a way through, honey. I know it's not really your thing, but there's some meditation exercises I could show you."
"I'll pass," said Jess, smirking because he couldn't help it. "Thanks anyway," he said, smiling more genuinely when he looked at her.
"Well, if you can't breathe through the pain and you don't want to talk about it, maybe writing it down would help?"
"Are you seriously telling me to journal my feelings?" asked Jess, looking unimpressed.
"Not a journal exactly. Something more freeform, maybe? Words, phrases, random thoughts. Whatever you're thinking about. All those things that are going around and around in your brain. Get them onto paper."
"And then what?"
"Then... Well, that's your choice. Some people find it therapeutic to burn pages, just get rid of the pain. Others like to read it back later, when their mind is clearer, because then they can make sense of everything." She shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever helps you, Jess. I just want you to be happy."
"Fat chance," he muttered, turning away.
Sasha's arm fell around his shoulders and she pulled him into a sort of sideways hug. It was all she could do to try and help him, Jess knew, and he appreciated he was getting any kind of sympathy right now, especially from her.
"Maybe I'll give it a try, tomorrow," he said eventually, glancing towards the clock. "I guess I should get some sleep."
Jess headed for his room, dumped his jacket on the desk and turned towards his bed. He wasn't tired. Late as it was, after all the walking around and over-thinking he'd done, he should be exhausted, but he wasn't.
Looking back to his desk, Jess saw the opening paragraph of another essay he didn't know how to write staring back at him.
Suddenly and without any further thought given to the idea, Jess tore that page free from the legal pad and threw it aside. A pen in his hand, he sat down at the desk and just started writing. This wasn't an essay, or a journal, or anything in particular. It was everything in his head that was driving him crazy. Hey, it was worth a shot.
To Be Continued...