Torture is a bitch named Blair

As soon as she left I realised what I had lost. I was a coward who did everything I could not to feel it. But after finding out she was arriving tonight, I was ready to do the right thing. Of course Blair had another plan up her sleeve, I guess she decided tormenting me was the best revenge. She knew how to push my buttons.

I assumed it was another game until I found her pin on Marcus, (at the time, James... by the way, that's a whole other story) it broke my heart a little. Did she really fall for him? Were they really as serious as her and Nate once were? I knew then, to win this competition I had to up my game and it was time to get dirty. Enter my trustworthy PI.

Once I had found out about Marcus' true identity I realised I had no other option but to simply beg for another chance, but she made that impossible with her little 3 words, 8 letters.

Did she really expect me to say it then? Let her have the power as usual while I feel vulnerable and defeated? I couldn't do that. Not again. So that was my answer, I had to let it go. I lost.

One more night

A string of one night stands was my usual remedy for pretty much any unfortunate situation but this time, it just wasn't working... technical problems so to speak. Serena had a pretty good theory as to why. I didn't really want to admit it but I realised this could be a win win situation. I get to clear my pipes and remind Blair what an awful, unsatisfactory choice she had made.

Just being able to touch her made all my senses tingle and I know she felt the same. The passion that resurfaced when we touch always reminded me of what we have, or had. It's just too hard to let go. Unfortunately my attempt was cut short thanks to Marcus.

The Bet

It had been a while since Blair and I had spoken. She obviously hadn't forgiven me for basically proving her relationship with Marcus was lacking. Thankfully that had fizzled out and surprise, surprise she called me.

I realised it was just for a bet, but she still needed me. Once I realised I was just doing her dirty work I decided to back out. She needs to remember who she is dealing with, and I guess she did because she gave me the ultimate prize... Her

A chance to have Blair back? I couldn't refuse! So I decided to go ahead with the plan. But once I discovered the treasure of Vanessa's beloved building I realised this could be just what I needed. The idea of this place was... me. It's a step further in the direction of the man I want to be, and it would have been all mine. Of course my father didn't approve. But then I realised something... I didn't want to destroy Vanessa, she lead me to my fate, my ideal club. Would it be possible to get the club, get Blair and show my appreciation for Vanessa by not seducing and destroying her? Well, I'm Chuck Bass, so if anyone can do it, it's me.

Blair Waldorf can of course be held accountable for destroying any hope I had. Before I could let everybody win, she had to Vanessa first. I assumed the bet was off, but then... suddenly Bair had decided to concede.

I realised Blair let me win because she was... jealous!

So maybe the prize doesn't just have to be a night with Blair. Maybe the prize is a future with Blair. If she was jealous that meant I still have a shot, right? So it was time to raise the stakes.

3 words, 8 letters. It was time she felt vulnerable, it was time she fought for me the way I fought for her.

Frustration and Seduction go hand in hand

Blair naturally hates to lose, so she tried every trick in the book to make sure that that things went her way. I realised this wasn't going to be easy, and her seduction techniques knew exactly how to get me off (pun intended). It was best to leave her abruptly because let's face it, if I stayed around her any longer I will cave and she will win. She almost did. I don't know if I ever thanked Serena for texting at just the right time before I had ended up conceding.

When Blair had finally decided to say those three little words I thought, finally, we'll get everything we ever wanted and when she didn't I couldn't comprehend as to why this just wasn't working for us. Dan Humphrey managed to sabotage it yes, but there was more to it.

I discovered that as much as we longed for each other, we are both not ready to lose ourselves in one another, and that would happen all too quickly knowing our connection. We'd be overwhelmed and eventually lose it all. We weren't ready, I think we both know, attempting this relationship and then failing because we were too immature would be tragic. We knew we were in love, maybe that was enough for now.

Tragedy with a side of tainted love

As you all know, my father's death shook my whole world up. I was so numb to everything once the only family I ever had was buried in the ground. For a moment I had forgotten what the Van Der Woodsens had brought to my life. Lily may not have been mother of the year to her own children, but to me, she was the most loving parent I've ever had. The only parent who wanted to love and protect me. But during this particular time I couldn't see it. I couldn't see one silver lining.

And that was the moment Blair chose to finally say I love you. Seriously? The one, last, shred of hope I've been craving for in my life was now associated with today. How could she say it today of all days? I didn't want Blair's I love you to forever be a memory tied to my father's funeral. She should not have said it today. She should not have tainted it.

A new (fake) reality

I was so lost at that point. It felt so good to be in Blair's arms as I fell asleep. Good to feel that someone who loved me was there, but I wasn't ready for it. I didn't want to put her through all of this either. It was time to find a cure, but while I searched I felt more lost than ever. I was looking for something that didn't exist, far away from everyone and everything I knew. A gentlemen's club? Anything that still attached me to my father's old life, made me feel close to him. A girl who seemed as beautiful as Blair, saving her because I can't save the one I wanted. This fake reality I wanted to create for myself quickly crashed and burned and maybe it was the wake up call I needed to go back home and make things right with Lily and Blair.

In the hands of an enemy lies my prized possession

Seing that cheating, money grabbing insect's hands on Blair was definitely a sore pill to swallow. She wasn't even trying to make me jealous this time, she was actually losing herself, and Carter was the one who took way too much pride in my envy and anger.

It was almost depressing to see the Blair Waldorf I know and love change to every regular messed up soul on the upper east side. She was stronger than this, she was better than this and I had no idea how to save her. She had lost her way and her plans hadn't worked. She had hit rock bottom.

Fireworks, then zero.

What's worse than knowing you can't rescue her back? Finding out Nate Archibald did. No, there's no way we are repeating history. Nate and Blair? What a dull and overplayed song that was. She couldn't seriously be turning her back on the sparks between us.

Since Nate wasn't going to play fair, well neither should I. I know she loves me, I know I can win this one, I just need her to know every firework she's lacking with Nate, she'll run back to me to recapture it.

Thank goodness, my lovely sister Serena always needs bailing out. I couldn't have planned this better myself, Nate would hate the fact that a scheme was on the horizon, knowing that Blair and I would reconnect over it.

But I couldn't continue my distain for Nate at this point, we had been friends for too long and despite how I feel about his actions, I know he'd never do anything malicious, and all he really wanted me to do was come clean about how I feel. Maybe that was the head kick I needed to realise that maybe I have to accept anyone to make Blair happy, I'd rather it be Nate.

And just because I couldn't get to be the one with her, doesn't mean I can't make sure she gets the happiness she deserves, like a 150 prom votes for instance?

Look like Bergman and Bogart, Act like Bonnie and Clyde

Finding out Nate and Blair had broken up was probably at the greatest timing ever. Not that we were any good at timing but Blair and I definitely had some time to realise what we wanted and that we were ready.

And meeting her that night, looking more beautiful than ever in my favourite stockings, it seemed like everything was finally falling into place.

Until Gossip Girl had anything to say about it.

Blair and Jack... Blair and my uncle! I should've known Blair and I were too good to be true. I couldn't do this now. I couldn't believe the actual, physical pain I felt inside. I had never felt betrayed like that before. It didn't matter whenever we were together or not, Blair Waldorf was mine... and now every time I think of her I see Jack's hands all over her. Nothing hurt more.

So naturally... I ran. Again.

xoxo

Trying to escape my thoughts was too damn hard. Everywhere I went, she caught up with me... and I realised, better to be vulnerable and lose yourself in love than be alone without the love of your life. I understand how young we are but I am me, and she is who she is. We were never going to want someone else. We were soulmates. I had to come back.

And I finally said those three little words.

I love you

Too.