Denial

I woke up in a strange apartment to a woman I've never seen before. I was fully aware, no memory loss, just denial remained. This lady had cleaned up my wound, saved me... rescued me from my life. I realised right then and there, this was the perfect opportunity to forget everything I'd done, everything I'd lost.

Enter Henry Prince.

This alter ego of mine was necessary for survival. I can't be Chuck Bass right now. I can't even stomach myself knowing what Chuck had done. This woman was my second chance. I couldn't love her, my heart couldn't take it right now, but she represented everything I needed at that time, a chance to rebuild, a chance to remain in denial of my former life.

Eva was good to me, she represented good and kindness, if it wasn't for her I probably would have died, not just physically, but emotionally. I had to hold onto her, if I didn't, I'd be Chuck Bass again, the man who lost Blair Waldorf, and I never wanted to be him again. I decided I could probably live this way forever, it may not be real, but a fake life is better than the real one I had left behind.

Reality Check

Everything was fine, I had a chance to live simply, be the person that Eva believes I am. I had convinced myself I had become Henry. It was the only coping mechanism I had in my arsenal.

Then I saw her. Blair Waldorf, in that cab, and it all came rushing back to me. What I had done, what I had lost. My heart just couldn't handle that, I had to run. I went home and begged Eva for us to leave. I needed the memory of my former life to remain in the dark, it was the only way I'd continue breathing.

Serena had found me, pleaded for me to come home. I wish I could have granted her wishes but I couldn't face them all. I assigned everything I own to Lily. I can't be Chuck without Blair. I can't go back and face reality.

Red

There I was, at the train station, ready to start over and then I saw her, in red, looking more beautiful than I remembered. Just seeing her again brought back everything, the passion, the loss, the tragedy, the love. We were in Paris after all, it was bittersweet to be in this city with her, and not actually be with her. It cut like a knife hearing those words I don't love you anymore

But no matter what, she had a hold on me, a connection to deep to fight. If she believed I could be the man I wanted to, instead of a coward, then no matter what, I'd still do anything to be a man she approves of.

I realised going back wouldn't be easy, so I asked Eva to come with me. I believed that Eva would help making it easier. But really I just needed to stay in denial. I wasn't ready to actually face the truth, and since I wanted to honour what Blair had told me, I couldn't run away. I needed Eva to remain my coping mechanism.

Hope

Everything that Eva represented was the kind of person Blair had told me to be that night in Paris. Eva definitely made life easier. Holding onto her was the last hope I had of a second chance. The only option I had that didn't remind me of everything I had done. She helped me make amends, she helped me forgive himself. I'm grateful for her. I'm grateful for Henry, he kept me alive.

Blair was determined to take Eva down. I assumed Blair just wanted to hurt me for what I did. I didn't pay much attention to it because the guilt that was still buried within me, made me feel that I should let Blair do what she does best. If this took away any of the destruction I caused in her life then fine, I'll accept it. But then she went too far.

I couldn't wrap my head around it at first. Why would she do this? Why would she make Eva leave me? Eva was right. I wanted to believe Blair, I wanted to believe that she still cared. I still had the hope of Blair and it cost me Eva.

So I thought, if Blair could do all of this, maybe I'm not that off base here, maybe there actually is hope. Maybe everything I believed about us being over, wasn't true. Maybe... just maybe, it's possible, she still loves me?

But she denied it... And that hurt all over again, if she didn't still love me then everything she did was truly just to hurt me. I expected a little fire thrown but for Blair to go that far, she must have truly hated me.

I couldn't forgive that. I did everything I could, no matter how painful to respect Blair and leave her alone. After what happened between us, I just wanted to put her first, out of love. And she, in return did this? It was despicable, even for her.

Passion fuels love... and hate

This meant war. I was still holding onto Eva. I needed to be in denial to avoid facing what really happened those months ago, that if I stepped back and took Eva out of the equation, I'd realise I'm still in so much pain and I'd be back at square one.

So there was only one way to get back and Blair and because I couldn't let go of the Empire State building night, I subconsciously brought it right back, along with Jenny Humphrey.

Jenny was the wake up call I needed to realise I had been lying to myself for so long. Using Eva to rewrite my history, believe in a new life. Avoiding anything Chuck Bass like. But I guess he was still in me, for me to go to war to avoid my feelings. Very Chuck Bass like.

Together we were invincible, apart would result in our mutual destruction.

With one sentence Jenny brought back reality. She forced us to face how we really feel and we couldn't go back to denying it all. I thought long and hard after that. Everything I had done since I got shot was all to avoid the truth and now, I had to face it, for real this time, I had lost Blair, and if I don't hold onto some fake reality, be it the hope of being a man like Henry, or the hope of a second chance like Eva granted me, then all I have is the pain of how empty my life is, which is a result of my own making.

Peace?

We had come to terms with the fact that Blair and I couldn't hide what we feel. Nate and Serena felt a peace treaty was necessary for us to ensure we stick to our ground rules. We even had a clause that stated No Touching. Blair and I knew how we affect each other, and if we had any hope of surviving as friends, we definitely can't be touching.

But I admit, no matter how hard we try, there are somethings too powerful to deny. Like jealousy? Hearing Blair express Jack's location messed with my head. I tried to be the bigger guy and let it go, I really did, but I couldn't help it. Did she really meet Jack? Was it revenge against me? Did she have sex with him?

I couldn't refrain from thinking of the images over and over again.

So I guess it made sense that when Blair's karaoke video was leaked, she'd assumed I had done it out of jealousy. Once I heard she was infact looking for me and not Jack, I wanted her to understand that I didn't do this to her. But after what she said to me, I got angry. Blair knows her painful her words can be. Did she actually think that I was a sociopath? Pure evil? It actually hurt that her hatred for me still very much existed.

Attempting a friendship with Blair was excruciating enough, but to know how low she really thinks of me was more than I could take. How could I make an effort for someone who has no respect for me and doesn't even remember the guy she used to love.

I hated her. At that point all the locked up passion we had been denying each other had boiled up and the flame between us couldn't be contained. Since we couldn't love each other, hate was the only way our passion could let loose.

Love/Hate Sex

"Hate sex" was probably our most satisfying form of denial. We both got to convince ourselves we hated each other, our intense desires for each other were unleashed and we both could go on pretending that we had moved passed the history.

But love conquers all as they say, and the more time we spent together, the more it was harder to let go. Nothing could kill it, being apart, being around each other excessively, it was all the same, we were magnetic.

We needed each other, without knowing it we were helping each other build our futures. Looking back I wish we had realised it sooner. I had even blurted out I love you. I couldn't help it. It was getting harder and harder to deny.

I had even planned a dinner to discuss a second chance. I had hoped she would agree to forgive me, maybe it was possible to put it all behind us and get back everything we ever wanted.

But our business made that almost impossible. Still, I wanted to know if Blair would be willing to risk it all, it was just too hard to ask her to risk it all for me, especially after all we've been through.

One last gesture, to prove I'm genuine. I organised the Anne Archibald dinner for her and lucky for me, it lead her to me... and she said what I was hoping for, she loves me too. It may have been ruined by Jenny, (in hindsight) but we went up in flames together. No matter what, Blair Waldorf still loves me, and that's all I needed to know.

Finding out that KC approved and I could have it all was just the cherry on the cake. Until Blair wasn't granted the same ordeal. It felt like a loss but reminded myself it wasn't. I would have done anything to help her but I had to respect she wanted to do it alone, I couldn't beg her to stay, I had to let her accomplish her goals, I didn't want to be her set back again.

And this time, I knew, she will come back to me. No matter what happens, I was glad to be certain that we weren't over. We were never over. I can't tell you how satisfactory it is knowing that I still have a future with Blair.

After all, people who are meant to be together always find their way back.

And we can survive last year, and she forgave me, then I'm more certain now than ever, that we are meant to be together.