Forge our own paths

Blair and I separating to focus on our futures was easy as we were both very busy. I had my eyes set on Russell Thorpe who was planning on making a play for my company and Blair was interning at W. Yes she did because editor before even I had anticipated.

My inn with Russell, was his daughter Raina. But she was smarter than I thought, and wasn't as easy to take down. Blair made me realise that I'd have to really play the game in order to get Raina on my side instead of her father's.

But after finding out Raina and I had similar upbringings and we bonded over our mutual failed childhoods I realised I had really connected with her. I wasn't in love with her, I couldn't ever fall in love with anyone but Blair, but I cared for Raina, she seemed almost as powerful as Blair, and what was wrong with dating. Just because I didn't see a future with Raina, didn't mean we couldn't enjoy our time together.

But that was short lived, once life got serious. I couldn't keep this up anymore, it was time for me, myself to get serious. The fire, Russell, and of course my father, made me realise I had been going about everything the wrong way. Everything I knew about my father was all based on lies and yet I had been doing everything to please him my entire life! I needed to find Blair, It was the wake up call I needed to get my life back on track, especially after been crushed by my father's dishonesty. Raina may have started dating Nate, but that didn't bother me. Although it did bother me that Nate went behind my back, I thought we had matured since high school, why couldn't he have just told me? Then again, I did orchestrate it by mine and Lily's plan to distract her far away from what's going on, and honestly, I had bigger things to worry about than Nate dating the same girl I did.

And Blair wasn't taking my calls. What had happened? Was she dating someone? I know that I was too, but the difference is, while I never got too serious with anyone else, Blair was able to fall in love with other people besides me, and that scared me.

Rolling in the deep

Not only did I have to find out who was distracting Blair, I also had to defeat Russell, now without Raina's help, this time I couldn't manipulate her into choosing me. Which meant I couldn't use Russell's daughter, his one weakness to keep my company. And all of this was a lot of pressure whilst the memory of my father and the legacy I thought he left me was blowing up in flames.

But then I thought, if Raina and Nate's feelings are real, maybe she'd help HIM. But it all backfired, She was intent on finding out the information for herself and Nate cared too much about her to get her to back off.

And just when I thought things couldn't get more difficult where my legacy was concerned, there were papers in my face every single day of Blair and her new french phony.

That's when I turned to drink. Nate was bugging me about Raina's mother, and Blair and Louis seemed to be getting serious, and I needed some way to deny it all.

But it got harder to deny after Nate's harsh words, did he really believe Blair was going to end up with someone else? There's no way, no matter what we have been doing, Blair and I both know we are the endgame... and it was time to prove it.

The ring in the safe

I had stored the ring in there since Blair gave it back to me in Paris. I may have been hammered but I still knew my hope wasn't false.

I was so drunk I can't even remember what words I uttered but after Blair had turned me away and Sophie had called security on me, I went home to drown my sorrows. I couldn't comprehend it, she was just making me jealous right? Why was she even pretending to marry this guy?

But then she showed up at my place and all my insecurities faded. Until she uttered those six little words Louis asked me to marry him.

What?!

This could not be real, obviously. She could never marry anyone else, She is mine. No matter what happened, who we met, who we dated, we were going to marry each other.

And suddenly that familiar feeling came rushing back, just like 2 years ago when my attempt at a proposal was crushed by Dan and Jenny Humphrey. That same paralyzed feeling I felt at the hospital, except this time I was drunk, so since I couldn't find the words to say, I lost my temper.

I'm losing her

Nothing turned me dark and desperate like that same old horrible feeling of knowing I've truly lost Blair Waldorf.

Next thing I know, my fist met the window.

It's over. Again, She cut me with those words, It's over.

We found love in a hopeless place

Jack was back in town. I was barely ever sober, why would I want to be? To prepare for what Russell and Jack are planning? To prepare for what Blair and Louis are planning? How on earth am I supposed to get through this without Blair by my side.

Then my worst fear had been realised, Russell had Blair. Jack must have told him exactly what throws me over the edge, and now, Russell had my weakness in his hands.

But my smart girl lead me to her and thank god she wasn't hurt. I thought I had her back, we had the perfect night off, free from all the drama. She was ready to accept she was mine.

Making love to her that night, felt like I was finally breathing again, living again. We have a great love, a love that is only appreciated in the 1920s and if I love her, truly love her, I wouldn't let her suffer anymore than she has. Because of me, she hasn't found it easy to just be happy. Maybe the only way to make her happy was to let her go.

I'm not going to lie, it was painful to watch her walk off with Louis, to know that Blair Waldorf was actually going to marry someone else and we wouldn't end up together. But I'd rather end up alone, that cause her anymore pain. If something had happened to Blair because of me? That would hurt more than letting her go. At least now, guys like Russell could never use her against me and Blair got to be happy, even if it was at the hands of another man.

But tonight I knew, Louis was a good man, and I knew he would take care of her.

Succumb to Numb

While I believed I had spent my summer, maturing. Maybe it was all my way denying my pain. Since I did everything in my power to feel something. I guess losing Blair was more painful than I had imagined, that I had actually shut off, and I just wanted to feel something that would wake up my senses again.

Dan's attempt with Monkey, my dog, was laughable but endearing. Thank god I did have that dog when reality hit.

What makes a man feel something again? Knowing the love of his life was pregnant with another man's child.