AN: Okay, guys. I told you that things were going to get worse for our OTP before they get better, and the worst is now upon us. The good news, however, is that if you can make it through these 8,000 words of angst, you'll have 9,000 words of pure XingYue resolution, reconciliation, and relationship progress to look forward to next week. (Yes, I've already written these scenes because I was so freaking happy to get back to writing good XingYue again.) From the beginning of this story, my goal has been to present a more proactive Chu Qiao that is, nevertheless, true to the character I fell in love with on the show. I've done my best to get inside her head in order to give you her motivations for her words and actions; I hope I've succeeded. I hope you enjoy, but I won't hold any lack of enjoyment against you;).
Considering that the first thing Chu Qiao remembered experiencing after losing her memory had involved her being hunted by wolves and men as well as holding the dying body of her new-found friend in her arms, she wasn't surprised that she'd spent so much of her relatively recent past in the grips of grief and rage. What did surprise Chu Qiao, however, was the sheer amount of grief and rage that she was capable of feeling as she rode hard for the cave hideout near Xiuli Mountain that Zhong Yu had shown her a few days ago.
The grief level, she supposed, was reasonable given the circumstances. While she understood mentally that Yan Xun had not been good for Yanbei and had been leading them down a path of disaster and death, she felt perfectly justified in mourning his passing. After all, she'd been there for all of the worst moments of his life and had nursed him back to physical and emotional health time and again after their enemies had thrown their worst at them.
Yuwen Yue had accused her of nurturing Yan Xun into a wolf, but if that was so, then she wasn't ashamed of that truth in the slightest. Taking care of the people she loved was the most important part of her life, and she'd never feel guilty about pouring so much of herself into a man who had been so good to her for so long. True, she knew that Yan Xun had done bad things later in their relationship, but she'd had no way of knowing ahead of time that he was going to do them, so trying to accept responsibility for them now was stupid.
Besides, it's not as if Yuwen Yue himself didn't nurture Yan Xun as well, she raged as her horse's hoofs pounded the road beneath her. If the prison guards were to be believed, Yuwen Yue paid for food and medicine for us even after the events of Jieyou platform. I heard his parrot calling my name in prison, too, which means that he must've been standing watch over us in some capacity. And then, of course, there's the flooding plot that he told me about a few days ago. He could've ended Yan Xun's rebellion then and there, but he'd chosen not to. Of course, he blames me for that personal choice, too, instead of his own free will.
Chu Qiao stubbornly turned her thoughts back to Yan Xun instead of Yuwen Yue since he was the one that the man behind her had murdered. She had no idea whether she'd been in love with Yan Xun or not (although she didn't think she had been), but she did know that he'd meant a great deal to her. So she'd mourn the loss of Yan Xun as he'd been and do her best to hold together the pieces of their plan to save Yanbei that were as shredded as she imagined Yuwen Yue's wings to be.
The fact that she couldn't stop thinking about the man riding behind her with his arms wrapped around her caused her face to harden even more. He was the one who had killed the man that she'd cared for in spite of his many flaws. He was the one who'd used her and Zhong Yu's plan to gut Yanbei's leadership and to leave them as easy pickings for Wei. He was the one who'd murdered Yan Xun behind her back and had then had the gall to expect her to save him after the fact. He was the one who'd implicated her in Yan Xun's assassination by his actions even though she'd had nothing to do with it.
Of course, considering that I did the same thing to him when I killed Yuwen Xi, I suppose that's only fair, she admitted to herself as she continued to guide the horse through the dark night.
Chu Qiao wasn't in the mood to be fair, however. She wasn't in the mood to consider his actions in an impartial light. She wasn't in the mood to accept the necessity of Yan Xun's death in regards to the survival of Yanbei. She wasn't in the mood to entertain the possibility that his presence so near to the location of her own dangerous mission could have any other explanation than his desire to murder the man he'd once considered a close friend.
Most of all, she wasn't in the mood to confront the truth that had so recently caused her heart to try to climb up her throat and exit through her mouth in fear. Chu Qiao knew that Yuwen Yue was essential to what was left of their plan. She knew that without him as a buffer between Yanbei and Wei, Yuan Song alone would likely be unable to negotiate peace for her people. She knew that if Yuwen Yue were to die at the hands of the people of Yanbei, then nothing would be able to stop Prince Xiang from razing Yanbei to the ground. She knew that she needed his fighting and planning skills if they were to have a chance of succeeding in salvaging their scheme.
Chu Qiao knew all of those things, but she also knew that in the moment when she'd heard those arrows shred Yuwen Yue's dark wings and send him free-falling to earth, she hadn't cared about their plan or his importance to Yanbei. In that moment, she hadn't cared about politics or war or imminent disaster for Yanbei. In that moment, she hadn't spared a thought for her Xiulis or the people of her adoptive country or the successful installation of her old friend as ruler of Yanbei. In that moment, all she'd known was that she could not let Yuwen Yue die, that she could not lose him.
That fact filled her with a terrifying amount of rage that she was struggling to control as their horse thundered down the road towards their safe haven. A deep, rumbling vibration reached her ears, and she realized that she was hearing the pursuit of a large group of Yanbei soldiers coming after her and Yuwen Yue. If her mental calculations were accurate, she would have just enough time to reach the safety of the cave that she and Zhong Yu had outfitted with emergency supplies.
"Xing'er," Yuwen Yue said, speaking for the first time. "My people couldn't kill Cheng Yuan's men at the base of Xiuli Mountain because they got ambushed at the Meilin border and had to flee. We need to go somewhere else."
Chu Qiao turned her head and scowled at Yuwen Yue, not really surprised that yet another aspect of their plan had fallen through. That news added a small bit of rage to her internal maelstrom.
"We will," she said curtly. "We had a plan for if things went wrong. It's a cave Zhong Yu and her fighters have been using for years. It's stocked with the basics, so we'll be able to hole up until morning. Hopefully Zhong Yu and Mister Wu will meet us there."
"Will we make it in time?"
"No. I'm just riding towards the cave for the fun of it."
"I wasn't questioning your competence."
"Of course you weren't."
"Xing'er…"
Yuwen Yue obviously didn't know what to say, which was fine with Chu Qiao. The less said between them, the better as far as she was concerned. At least until they reached the safety of the cave, and then…
Chu Qiao smiled grimly into the night since she knew nobody could see her. Then she would unleash her fiery ball of rage on the only target within range, and he would just stand there and take it. He would just stand there with that look that was outwardly stoic but inwardly pained—if you knew him well enough to see the pain, which she did. He would just stand there with that impassive, long-suffering posture as she did her best to shred his heart with the fierceness of her words. He would just stand there and look at her as if he loved her, as if he could just give her that particular look of his and she'd forgive him.
Except he wouldn't really expect her to forgive him, and she'd be able to tell that by the resignation in his bearing. He wouldn't fight back, wouldn't defend himself, wouldn't try to justify his actions. And then she'd start to feel guilty even though he was the one who had betrayed her.
Except that an insidious part of her mind insisted that he hadn't betrayed her, hadn't wanted to hurt her, hadn't wanted to ruin her plan. In fact, that same insidious part of her mind insisted that, in spite of the evidence to the contrary, she should still trust Yuwen Yue with her life, her plan, and her heart. That same insidious part of her mind was, in spite of the misgivings of the rest of her, enjoying the safe, protected feeling of Yuwen Yue's hard body at her back and his strong arms around her front. That same insidious part of her mind never wanted this ride to end, never wanted him to let her go, never wanted them to have to face all of the problems between them.
The rest of her rebelled against that seductive, foolish part of her mind, shutting it down and locking it out in fear and anger. She vowed that, while she would work with Yuwen Yue for the good of Yanbei and her people, she would never give him the opportunity to stab her in the back—or the heart—again. She'd never trust him, never confide in him, and, most importantly, never love him.
To her immense relief, Xiuli Mountain suddenly reared up in the near distance. She reached into her right saddlebag and pulled out a small crossbow with a special arrow already loaded in it. When she'd gotten just close enough, she depressed the trigger and was gratified to hear the piercing whistle that she hoped her men would be able to hear from where they were hunkered down. Not that she felt that their odds of survival were that high anyway given the amount of Yanbei troops heading their way and their lack of time to escape, but at least she'd done her best to warn them that the plan had gone wrong and that they needed to go to ground.
Maybe they'll find some way to get off of Xiuli Mountain after all and just...go someplace else, start over, she thought as she veered their horse sharply to the left and off the beaten path. Fortunately, the spindly crescent moon was peeking through the clouds and providing just enough light for her to see by. She took them into a stream and they rode for what she hoped would be long enough to disguise their direction. Yuwen Yue was blessedly silent behind her as she carefully took the horse out of the stream and onto a rocky path that would leave no hoofprints for their enemies to follow come morning.
At last, she saw their destination, and she felt a grim sense of satisfaction as she felt Yuwen Yue instinctively tense as she rode the horse straight for what seemed to be a solid wall. She pulled the horse up at the last minute and hopped down, completely ignoring Yuwen Yue as he dismounted behind her. Leading the horse gently, she walked to a thin crack in the wall and simply disappeared into it as she passed through the clever optical illusion that had made the cave such a desirable destination to Zhong Yu and her fighters in the first place.
In reality, the thin crack was actually the entrance to a small corridor wide enough for people and horses to walk through single-file once they got close enough to figure out the true nature of the passage. She drew her dagger, and she heard Yuwen Yue do the same since anything larger would be useless in such tight quarters. Nobody living but the four of them and He Xiao were supposed to know about this cave, but given the way the rest of the night had gone, she wasn't taking any chances.
Not that Chu Qiao feared death; she'd been more or less honest with Yan Xun when she'd told him that she'd never been afraid. If Chu Qiao was afraid of anything, it was the storm brewing within herself—and between herself and Yuwen Yue. In spite of her alert, collected exterior, she felt out of control and unable to halt the inevitable torrent of anger that she would soon be releasing on the man at her back once they had nowhere to go and nothing to do but wait for daylight.
A'Jing hadn't had much before tonight and now he figured that he had nothing. His entire family had been slaughtered by Wei troops several years ago. His woman had died heroically in the defense of Hongchuan, fighting at the side of the woman who had last been seen by Yanbei watchmen riding fast and hard for Xiuli Mountain with Yuwen Yue at her back. Both of his closest female friends had betrayed him this night, so he knew that they were lost to him. And Yan Xun...
He absentmindedly handled the rabbit tail charm that had been left on Yan Xun's body—the charm that he'd immediately taken off of said body and hidden from most of the men who'd responded to the servant girl's frantic shrieks. The body of his former ruler and closest friend was being prepared for burial; at least he'd get more respect in death here than his family had received at the hands of Wei.
Of course, A'Jing mused sadly as he sat on the throne he knew he wouldn't occupy for long, a proper burial is fairly worthless without vengeance being carried out on your behalf. You can have the best burial in the world, but unless your loved ones punish those responsible for your death, your soul will never be at peace in the afterlife.
While A'Jing was a simple man, he wasn't a stupid one. He knew that he was not the charismatic, unifying figure that Yan Xun had been. He knew that his own men respected him for his fighting prowess and good sense, but that the rest of the Yanbei troops would only follow him due to his relationship with Yan Xun for so long before looking for a more forceful, connected leader to follow. He knew that after he took vengeance on behalf of his ruler and friend, someone with more political clout than he possessed would likely take his place.
He knew all of these things, but he didn't particularly care about them. After all, he had no interest whatsoever in ruling Yanbei and putting up with whiny, sniveling nobles and bickering, contentious generals. A'Jing had nothing left to live for except revenge, and he knew it. So he'd do his best to unify the soldiers of Yanbei, ride for Xiuli Mountain where at least two of the people responsible in some capacity for Yan Xun's death were likely hiding, and make sure they paid the necessary price for his dear friend's soul to be at peace.
True, A'Jing knew from the presence of the rabbit tail that, unless Yuwen Yue had planted it as evidence to throw them off, the spymaster was not directly responsible for the death of Yanbei's rightful ruler. However, he knew that, since the spymaster had been here, Yuwen Yue must've had bad intentions towards Yan Xun and may have been helping Princess Yuan Chun to accomplish her goal. He also knew that Yan Xun had harbored a soft spot for the girl and that he wouldn't have wanted A'Jing to kill her even under the current circumstances.
A'Jing had decided that he'd do his best to honor Yan Xun's probable wishes in death as he would've in life, so he'd frame a man Yan Xun had hated instead of revealing the culpability of a woman that he'd cared for in some capacity. As for A'Chu…
Chu Qiao, A'Jing forced himself to think, desiring to put some emotional distance between them.
In all honesty, he had no idea what his former friend's role had been in Yan Xun's death. Obviously, she'd killed Cheng Yuan and his cronies—which was something he'd honestly be inclined to give her a reward for under other circumstances-but beyond that? All anyone knew was that she'd been witnessed saving Yuwen Yue from certain death. Whether that indicated guilt in the plan to assassinate Yan Xun or not, A'Jing didn't know. What he did understand, however, was that Chu Qiao had obviously switched sides and that she was no longer an ally of Yanbei.
Zhong Yu was also something of a mystery as she had only been spotted leaving the city by the secret entrance that had been guarded by a few night watchmen who had only cursorily questioned her presence. Her story had been that she'd stayed late to say goodbye to a few friends who'd been throwing her a farewell party but that she'd wanted to leave secretly for security reasons. However, multiple officers who had been sympathetic to Cheng Yuan and Yan Xun's policies had been found slain far enough away from Cheng Yuan's tent to affirm that Chu Qiao was likely not their killer, so…
A'Jing sighed, cursing his lot. He'd gather as many troops as he could and ride for Xiuli Mountain, kill Yuwen Yue at least, and figure out what to do from there. While he was not a reckless man by nature, he didn't fear death and would do whatever was necessary to ensure that his former ruler and close friend got to find the peace in death that he hadn't been able to find in life since his family's murders.
Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get to die an honorable death in combat and join my beloved in the afterlife.
Chun'er had once had plenty, but now she had nothing. She had nowhere to go, and she had the rest of her life to get there. After she'd successfully killed Yan Xun just after nightfall, she'd felt a profound desire to escape and to live well. However, after she'd made her way safely out of the city and the shock of what she'd just done had worn off, she'd realized that, instead of the vindicated triumph she'd expected to feel, she'd simply felt numb and hollow inside.
Now here she was, dressed as a commoner, seated at a rickety table in a run-down inn while eating a steaming bowl of rice and beef. Her driver had tried to dissuade her from stopping here as he'd claimed that it wasn't a suitable place for a lady such as herself to set foot in, much less spend the night, but her laughter had had a brittle, hysterical edge as she'd asked him what such things even meant for her anymore. The odds of any Yanbei soldiers looking at this seedy inn for Yan Xun's killer were slim, and even if they found her and took her into custody, she didn't really care anymore.
After all, what did she have to lose? She had no home, dwindling funds, and no more goals to achieve. She'd given up on getting vengeance on Chu Qiao because she'd decided that other parties like her father and Yan Xun had been more to blame for her suffering than the woman who'd killed Chun'er's own defilers and seen her and her brother safely back to Wei.
She took a sip of cheap wine from a shallow bowl and almost started choking on it when a clamor sounded outside of the inn. The doors flew open and a group of men piled in, making their way to the front of the establishment while talking loudly. From their manners and words, Chun'er could tell that they were soldiers from the city who'd just gotten permission to take a short break from the chaos in town to grab a bite to eat from their favorite inn before going back to do their jobs.
This pronouncement, of course, prompted a flurry of questions from the late-night crowd that was still there, and the men obviously relished delivering the news of the assassination of Yan Xun and many of his generals to the shocked diners. A couple of serving girls brought out full meals for the soldiers without being prompted, so Chun'er concluded that these men were regulars. The soldiers tore into their food, delivering salient morsels of gossip to the eagerly-waiting crowd between mouthfuls of food and gulps of wine.
The main suspect, they told the people, was none other than Yuwen Yue himself, the man who had once been their dearly departed ruler's best friend but who had betrayed him in the end. But that wasn't all, they'd told their captive listeners. His accomplices were rumored to be two other women that Yan Xun had cared for and trusted above all others: Miss Yu, a trusted general and adviser, and Chu Da Ren herself.
Chun'er didn't even bother to hide her shock at these pronouncements because she knew that her gobsmacked expression fit right in with the rest of the people who were giving the soldiers their undivided attention. She flinched when the soldiers also mentioned rumors they'd heard that the presence of something found on Yan Xun's body by the servant girl who'd found him had implicated an ex-lover from Wei, but everybody was so busy scoffing at the ridiculousness of the idea that nobody noticed her reaction at all.
At least, she'd thought that nobody had noticed her reaction. However, a few moments later, a striking woman with a heart-shaped face and pointed chin sat down at her table next to her and greeted her politely. Chun'er thought that the woman seemed vaguely familiar, especially since the regal bearing of her new tablemate clearly marked her as wealthy and important.
"I just came downstairs after I heard all of the noise," the woman said innocently, looking around the room in seeming confusion. "Could you please tell me what's going on?"
Chun'er gave the newcomer a simple version of events, leaving out, of course, the part about the piece of evidence pointing to a former lover. The woman seemed to accept the explanation and made some vague statements about the whole thing being a shame that would likely bring dangerous times to the land.
"In fact," the woman said, making a show of looking around her and lowering her voice, "if I were you, I'd consider leaving right away so as to avoid any sort of problems."
"Why would I need to do that?" Chun'er said nonchalantly, a bored expression on her face.
"A woman alone with all of these soldiers roaming about can't be too careful," the woman said, looking meaningfully at Chun'er.
"Thank you for your concern, but I likely won't be staying here much longer anyway," Chun'er managed to say calmly.
"So you already have plans, then?"
"Of course I do. Do I really look like the type of woman who doesn't have anywhere to go?"
"Not at all," the woman said, smiling slyly. "In fact, you look like the type of woman who knows what she wants to do and does it. So what do you want to do?"
Chun'er sat there and thought about the question, her bowl of food now cold and unappetizing. She gave the question the consideration it deserved, and her companion seemed content to allow her the time to do so. An answer coalesced in her mind that surprised her since it directly contradicted the seemingly logical stance that she'd held just minutes ago.
"I want to get even," she found herself saying, freezing in shock as she voiced her innermost desire to a total stranger.
Her companion didn't condemn her though, instead giving her a crafty, malevolent grin that sent chills down her spine.
"Then do it," the beautiful woman simply said, leaning towards Chun'er slightly. "Don't wait for a sign or for a more convenient time or for circumstances to be just right. Just do what you have to do, and everything else will fall into place."
The words sounded mysterious and prophetic to Chun'er, who was still staring at the woman in shock. She was reminded of the advice that she'd received from the nice young man that she'd met in the city who had persuaded her to wait until night to attack her enemy rather than going in the daytime. The results of listening to his counsel had exceeded her expectations, so maybe she would have the same stellar results this time as well.
"Okay, I will," Chun'er said, filled with a renewed sense of purpose she'd been lacking minutes ago.
She stood up from her spot at the table and strode confidently up the stairs towards the room that she'd rented for the night with the last of her money. Chun'er figured that she'd get a few hours of sleep, and then…
Xiao Yu waited for the erstwhile princess to disappear from sight before making her own way back up the stairs to her second-floor room, paying little attention to the serving girl who bustled over to their recently-vacated table to clean it up. Her loyal subordinate was waiting for her just as she knew she would be, having seen the woman disappear back up the stairs otherwise unobserved partway through the conversation. The princess of Liang knew that her subordinate wouldn't understand why she'd bothered to converse with such a seemingly useless person, but she hadn't ascended to her current position by being foolish.
The woman presented Xiao Yu with a steaming cup of tea as the princess sat down at her desk. She once again examined the rolled-up letter that she'd received shortly before all of the noise had erupted downstairs. The secret missive had detailed the events of the night as pieced together by several of her spies that had infiltrated Yan Xun's palace and army. They had told her that the identity of the probable killer was Yuwen Yue, but they had faithfully included the detail of the rabbit tail charm as they'd been trained to do. After all, they were just low-level spies, so how could they know what was and wasn't important to their mistress?
Her Chang'an spies had told her of the charm long ago, so she'd made the connection between Princess Yuan Chun and the assassination just before chaos had broken out in the dining area. Yuan Chun's omission of the detail about the ex-lover as a possible suspect—which she herself had heard the soldiers mention just moments before she'd initiated the conversation—had confirmed the former princess's guilt to her.
She almost hadn't gone downstairs, but some instinct had prompted her to do so. Now she was glad she had since doing so had given her the opportunity to set this small plan in motion before getting her larger scheme underway.
"You're wondering why I bothered to talk to Yuan Chun, aren't you?" she idly asked her companion.
"I know that you know best, Princess," her subordinate said, clasping her hands in front of her and bowing swiftly.
"Of course I do," Xiao Yu said, smirking. "If there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's that you can never shoot too many arrows at the enemy. The more arrows you shoot, the better chance you have of defeating him. Even if an arrow can only succeed in making your enemy dodge, you've still given yourself another prime opportunity to shoot him with another arrow."
"As you say, Princess."
"You're right to think that Chun'er is fairly weak and useless. Honestly, I think she just got lucky when she succeeded in killing Yan Xun, so I doubt that she'll be able to eliminate any of our mutual friends.
If nothing else, however, she'll at least hopefully succeed in serving as a distraction for people who can ill afford to deal with one at the moment—especially once I spring my trap on them."
Xiao Yu could tell that her subordinate didn't understand what she'd just said, but she didn't mind. After all, there was a reason that she was who she was and that she'd surrounded herself with people who weren't close to being on her level of intelligence and guile.
Chu Qiao was almost disappointed that no enemies had been hiding inside the cave since a good fight would've at least given her an outlet for some of her rage. Maybe if she'd have had someone other than Yuwen Yue on which to take out her frustrations, she wouldn't be so tightly wound. True, the shock of the events of the past few hours had somewhat worn off and the rational part of her was at least beginning to function again, but she knew she was still a nocked arrow ready to fire.
In fact, as she began to pull out some of the food that she and Zhong Yu had placed in the cave earlier, she congratulated herself on the fact that she hadn't blown up at Yuwen Yue yet. Oh, she knew she was going to. She had the same sort of feeling inside of her now that she'd had a time or two at the Oriole Courtyard after she'd eaten food that had spoiled after sitting too long due to fears of poison. The twisting in the gut, the burning in the stomach, and the threat of the gag reflex triggering were all present—as was, of course, the inner sense that no matter how hard you worked to keep from throwing up, the badness within was still going to force its way up your throat and out of your mouth regardless.
But for now, the logical side of herself was telling her that no good could come from blowing up at a man with whom she was going to have to spend hours alone in this cave. While their hideout was reasonably roomy, it was still just a single, medium-sized area big enough for a small stable, a modest sleeping space, a crude sitting area with a small table, and a couple of corners that were suitable for stashing weapons, food, and other supplies. In other words, if she voiced the scalding sentiments bubbling just beneath her surface, she'd have nowhere to run once she was done. So here she was, trying.
Yuwen Yue was obviously trying, too. He'd only said what was necessary for basic communication and had quietly done his part to set the cave up for habitation. They'd lit the dim lamps set out around the cave, stabled the horse, built a fire in the well-ventilated cookpit, and placed their weapons within easy grasp. She'd set up an old wooden screen in front of the entrance to the cave that would prevent any light from exiting while allowing fresh air to come in. While it wouldn't prevent enemies from breaking in, the noise required to defeat the way she'd notched the edges of the screen into rocky niches in the walls would at least give the two of them a few seconds' warning before their foes were upon them.
Chu Qiao was now in the process of providing a meal for them from their stores. It wouldn't be anything fancy, but it would be nourishing enough given the circumstances. She thought about brewing some tea, knowing the comfort that that ritual would bring to not just her but Yuwen Yue. Of course, she also knew about the memories that making tea would conjure up, so she just reached for the bottles of wine instead.
Yuwen Yue took his food and wine with merely a murmur of thanks, and silence fell over the cave as they consumed their crude fare.
Maybe we'll be able to make it through tonight without fighting after all, Chu Qiao thought as she chewed on a bite of smoked meat.
"Xing'er," Yuwen Yue said softly after taking a long pull of wine from his bottle, "I didn't kill Yan Xun."
"What?" Chu Qiao said, almost choking on her meat as she hastily swallowed it down. "What other reason could you possibly have had for being in the city? Were you just going to drop in on Yan Xun for some late-night tea and reminiscing?"
"I'm not denying that I went into the palace to kill Yan Xun," Yuwen Yue said in that calm voice that had often ignited her fury. "However, when I got to Yan Xun's room, I recognized two things that were familiar to me: a specific scent and a rabbit's tail charm with a turquoise handle."
"Are you seriously trying to convince me that Chun'er killed Yan Xun and successfully escaped while you almost got caught?"
"I almost got caught because Chun'er killed Yan Xun and successfully escaped. I'd heard whispers from soldiers and servants that Yan Xun had been ill and that his doctor had given strict orders for him to remain undisturbed for the rest of the night. My theory is that Chun'er disguised herself as a doctor and provided Yan Xun with a more permanent solution for his illness than he would've preferred."
"'A more permanent solution'? Do you think that's funny?" Chu Qiao asked, her voice rising in rage at the flippant description of her friend's grisly murder.
"Not funny, but definitely inconvenient," Yuwen Yue said, placid as ever.
"Oh, yes, it's very inconvenient," Chu Qiao said sarcastically, bowing to the inevitable. "Had everything gone according to your plan, we wouldn't have known how we'd been used until we'd arrived back at the city come morning."
"Ah, yes. We're the ones who used you. You yourself definitely didn't use us as an excuse to kill off a hated enemy and his lackies. Nor did the three of you use us to try to elevate yourselves in rank and importance in Yanbei. Your motives were purely selfless, I'm sure."
Chu Qiao welcomed the rush of anger that flashed through her as she realized that Yuwen Yue wasn't going to play that tired game of passive-aggressiveness this time. That wild, almost feral part of her that had been reluctantly submitting to the logical part of her licked its lips in anticipation of the battle to come. If he wanted a fight, then she'd give him one.
"You just keep telling yourself that, Yuwen Yue. You've always been good at rationalizing your sins anyway. Refuse to give someone valuable, potentially lifesaving information? Well, you just didn't have a choice, now, did you—and how stupid were they for not being able to figure the situation out on their own anyway? Lie to someone? Well, it was for their own good, naturally. Use someone? Well, the strong survive and thrive by stepping on the backs of the weak, after all. Betray someone? The ends justify the means, of course."
"That's the typically shallow level of analysis I've come to expect from you, Xing'er. You always were terrible at looking beneath the surface of things. You don't know the first thing about my motives, my feelings, or the intricate balancing act that comes with being both the leader of the Eyes of God and a general of Wei. Maybe I don't bother to give certain people specific information because I know that doing so will bring more harm to me than good for them. Maybe I know that no matter how hard I try
to sway people's opinions, they're just going to do what they want to do anyway. As for betrayal, one man's treason is another's rebellion, as you well know yourself."
"Of course we can't all be as perceptive and all-knowing as you, Yuwen Yue. My analysis of the situation was, indeed, shallow, and my understanding of your motives and feelings was foolish and naive. You see, I'd actually come to trust you again, and the end result was, more or less, the same as the first time."
Chu Qiao saw a flash of genuine pain in Yuwen Yue's eyes and rejoiced in it. It's about time that you feel the way I felt that night as I realized just how thoroughly I'd been fooled. She thought she'd gotten over the pain and anguish caused by hearing the very-much-alive Yuwen Zhuo's callous description of her that his grandson had obviously endorsed, but all she'd really done had been to cram all of that pain and heartbreak into some rarely-visited corner of her mind.
"Oh, yes," he rasped, stepping closer to her. "Few things hurt worse than realizing that someone you've trusted has been conspiring behind your back and lying to your face."
She finally felt the last vestiges of logic desert her as all of the hurt and anger she'd suffered from the beginning of her relationship with Yuwen Yue until present bubbled up to the top of her mind and out through her mouth.
"You don't get to do that, Yuwen Yue!" Chu Qiao shouted, reacting to his more aggressive posture with one of her own. "You don't get to play your 'poor, misunderstood me' role and blame everything on me. You've lied to me over and over again. You've hidden important information from me over and over again. You've betrayed me over and over again. You've used the people I loved for your own ends over and over again. And then you've had the nerve to blame me for somehow magically not being able to figure out the answers to these complex situations when you've known I've had limited information and even more limited options!"
"Are you talking about the past or the present? You seem to have an equally poor grasp of both situations, but I should probably know for the sake of clarity which actions I'm supposed to be defending."
"I'm sorry that your recent actions have brought up so many bad memories of your past sins. Since the present bears so much similarity to the past, maybe we should just lump them all together. Once again, I thought I understood your plans for me but was proven wrong in a gut-wrenching way. Once again, you used me to eliminate your enemies—and don't you stand there and act like Cheng Yuan wasn't your enemy; I recognized those crossbow bolts. Once again, I became what you'd worked so hard to make me—a spy of sacrifice, a tool to be wielded against your enemies but ultimately expendable if things went wrong."
The logical part of her—not to mention that other illogical, insidious part of her—tried to rein her tongue in in response to the raw agony in Yuwen Yue's eyes as she threw the "spy of sacrifice" line in his face. It tried to remind her of how many times he'd saved her, how many times he'd protected her, how many times he'd demonstrated his care for her. But all she could feel was the grief and the sting of betrayal and the rage, so she eagerly awaited his next volley.
"I never meant for you to be in any danger tonight," he said in a low, flat voice. "My plan was to get in, eliminate my target, and get out. Then I'd hide myself, wait to make sure that every other part of the plan went well, and then sneak out as if I'd never been there."
"Eliminate your target? How professional you sound," Chu Qiao mocked, tears beginning to stream down her face. "I'm glad you were around to draw attention to me as I escaped so that now everyone thinks I was involved in Yan Xun's death."
"But you were involved, Xing'er. True, I didn't end up killing Yan Xun, but had I been able to, that would've been the result of your plan."
"No, that would've been the result of you altering my plan. I refuse to take responsibility for your choices and decisions."
"How often have I had to save you from your own choices and decisions? Take now, for example. You surely knew that getting rid of Yan Xun was necessary for the success of any coup, yet you couldn't do it. So you blundered ahead with this flawed plan instead and then got angry when I tried to do what was necessary. I forgot, though: that sort of thing is only wrong when someone on my side does it."
"Only you would think I should have to apologize for not being able to kill someone who means...who meant so much to me. I'm sorry to disappoint you, Yuwen Yue, but no, I didn't have it in me to take the life of a man who, in spite of his faults, was a close friend. You, apparently, felt yourself up to the job, though, so maybe you could enlighten me about the necessary frame of mind to carry out such a task. Did you think about all of the glory your family would get? Did you think about how easily Wei could conquer Yanbei without the bulk of its top leadership? Did you think that maybe you'd earn another place of honor atop another judgment platform? Maybe you thought I'd be up there, too—finally tried for and convicted of war crimes and awaiting judgment at your feet. After all, you once told me that a woman you couldn't control was worse than a dead one!"
Chu Qiao shouted the last before collapsing against the wall, weeping out the pain and rage that she could no longer coherently vent verbally. She hadn't realized how much she'd still been hurting deep down due to wondering whether he'd meant what he'd said when he'd tried to kill her, fake death or not. Were all of those times he'd saved her merely attempts to control her as an object he'd felt he'd owned or true expressions of his—to her, at least-inexplicable love for her?
She had no way of knowing the truth, no time to figure out the facts, and no previous understanding of what love was to guide her. Logic seemed to be failing her; all she had were her instincts, which simultaneously urged her to hide behind her emotional walls and to tear them down. Chu Qiao felt like she was being torn apart, the wrenching sobs escaping from her merely a physical manifestation of the turmoil within. She looked up, met Yuwen Yue's eyes, and, for the second time that night, stared into the face of the very real threat of losing him.
Yuwen Yue watched her so impassively and dispassionately that his eyes may as well have contained walls of their own. The lifelessness in his gaze terrified multiple parts of her that were now trying to reassert themselves since she'd vented so much of her anger and sorrow. She knew that some of the things she'd said had been true and that she had every right to be upset, but how did her inner pain and principles compare to the impending reality of Yuwen Yue's permanent absence from her life?
"If that's how you really feel," Yuwen Yue said flatly, walking away from her and picking up his sword, "then I'll just leave. I'll slip past the Yanbei troops, meet up with my people, and wait for Yanbei to tear itself apart before Wei comes in to clean up the leftover mess. My part of the plan is still intact, after all, while yours...well, you might get your leadership choice after all, but as for the rest, I...I don't need you."
That single hesitation on Yuwen Yue's part at the end penetrated the haze of anger and confusion that had filled Chu Qiao's mind, telling her that maybe there was still hope and that she could fix what had been broken. The part of her that wanted to trust and care for Yuwen Yue broke free of the rest of her, suppressing everything else with a totality that would've terrified her had she been in a more logical frame of mind. She'd never felt such a complete desire to allow her heart to override her ideals before, and the reality that she was seriously considering doing so now befuddled her to an agonizing degree. She had no idea what she was supposed to do, but that had never stopped her before.
Chu Qiao worked hard to stop her tears, but she only succeeded partially. Yuwen Yue was quietly gathering up his supplies, looking more tired and careworn than she'd seen him appear in a long time. She realized that she'd finally pushed Yuwen Yue too far and that if she didn't figure out some way to act now…
A few days ago, I committed myself to walking a different path because I realized that the path I'd been treading before led only to destruction and death. That new path brought me here, to this place, with this man, in these circumstances. If I don't say something now, do something now...But what can I say? What can I do? Nothing I can think of will-
He walked past her towards the cave's entrance and she reacted with no thought, no preparation. She instinctively reached out and grabbed hold of his right arm, digging in her heels with all of her strength. Logically, she knew that he'd easily be able to break her hold, especially in her current condition, yet he didn't.
"As you told me earlier, Xing'er, don't think I'll fall for that trick again. It won't work on me this time."
"Yuwen Yue, I..." Chu Qiao said, her throat closing itself and making speech impossible.
"Just let me go, Xing'er. You kept me from dying; you brought me to a safe place; you fed me. You don't owe me anything more. Please...just let me go."
"I..."
I owe you more than I'll ever be able to repay—especially after tonight. I know if you leave, I'll likely never see you again—at least not in any meaningful capacity. I know some of what I said was right, but some of it was so very, very wrong. I'm sorry. I care for y-
"I can't lose you," she barely got through her throat, not even able to look at Yuwen Yue. "I couldn't lose you."
"What does it matter, Xing'er? Why do you care? I've never brought you anything but grief anyway."
Once again, Chu Qiao acted on instinct. She gave that insidious part of her free reign and, for the first time, allowed it to drop the shields behind her eyes completely. Chu Qiao looked up into Yuwen Yue's eyes, meeting them with her own. She had no idea what Yuwen Yue would see in them since she didn't even understand all of her feelings herself, but she figured that maybe he'd be able to comprehend them well enough—and if not, at least she would have done everything she could to make up for the recent past.
Not everything…
"Yuwen Yue," she whispered, working hard to keep her eyes as open and honest as possible, "I-I'm sorry. I...I need you."
They stood on that knife's edge for what felt like an eternity to Chu Qiao, Yuwen Yue looking deeply into her eyes as if he could know her innermost thoughts and she doing her best to let him. Finally, he blinked his eyes and a tear rolled slowly down each cheek. Chu Qiao blinked in shock, unable to believe her eyes.
As if she were in a trance, she found herself releasing his arm and raising both of her hands to rest gently on either side of his face. Slowly, she wiped away both tears with her thumbs. He covered her hands with his, and Chu Qiao once again committed herself to walking a different path.
AN: Whew! Glad that's over with. We've shot the rapids now, so we'll be paddling in more XingYue-friendly waters from now on. There will, of course, still be plenty of angst ahead (this is PA, after all), but it will be wholesome, healing angst rather than drama-causing angst. Thank you for sticking with this story and trusting me to give you a better payoff for the angst than the show did; I'll do my best to deliver.
I hardly ever post musical recommendations, but after this chapter, I figured I'd share this bit of XingYue goodness that Spotify seemed to think I'd like: www dot youtube dot com/watch?v=1SZI3Y_7p0A (I'm not sure that this will actually work since ffn hates links, but it's am acoustic cover of an Ed Sheeran song by a duo that goes by "Glenn & Ronan" called "All of the Stars." If you ignore the modern references [or change them in your head like I do], it's so XingYue it hurts. Obviously you replace the "dot" words with actual dots.)