Rafael didn't think there was a greater sight in this world than Sonny playing with children.
It was as if he were born to take on the role of being a dad – he was naturally playful, his hands gentler than their size should allow, his face a symphony of expressions as he read from the book placed in his lap.
Noah was pressed against his chest, eyes and lips wide in delight, Sonny's chin resting lightly atop the toddler's head as he continued his rendition of The Three Little Pigs.
"And I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!" Sonny exclaimed, voice low and rough in what Rafael could only guess was his patented Big Bad Wolf impression.
Noah shrieked and bounced up and down in Sonny's lap, little fingers reaching eagerly forward to turn the book's page.
Just as Sonny was about to dazzle Noah with his very best Little Pig, Olivia came around the edge of the couch, crouching down next to Sonny and Noah where they sat on the living room floor.
"Hey, big guy!" she greeted, arms opening wide, an offer for Noah to take.
In true toddler fashion he refused and wrapped himself around Sonny, arms interlocking tightly around Sonny's neck.
"I wanna stay with Uncle Sonny and read!" he proclaimed.
Rafael barely managed to suppress his laughter as Sonny yelped and attempted to disentangle himself from the toddler who was now strangling him.
"No way, it's way past your bedtime, birthday boy," Olivia stated in a way that let even a whining and grumpy five-year-old know that there was no disagreeing.
Sonny managed to finally hand Noah off to his mother, saying, "Hey, don't worry little man! You're gonna come spend the night with me and Uncle Rafi next weekend, remember?"
Rafael sure hadn't forgotten.
How he'd gotten wrangled into agreeing to watch the child for an entire weekend, he still didn't know.
Sonny's dimples were probably involved. He had a hard time saying 'no' to them.
Noah nodded eagerly and finally relaxed into Olivia's arms wrapped around him.
"Alright, little man, I'll see you then, okay?" Noah giggled as Sonny leaned forward and pressed a raspberry to his cheek.
The view before him made Rafael's chest instantly tighten; it wasn't the tightening he normally experienced though, whenever Sonny did something particularly adorable, or sweet, or whenever he told Rafael that he loved him.
Yeah. They'd been together a total of three years now, married for almost one, and Rafael still felt warmth seep into his bones any time Sonny spoke those three little words.
No, this tightening felt like a sharp knife cutting through his chest, tearing into the muscles and tendons below his thin layer of flesh.
Jealousy. The realization jolted through him like a double shot of espresso.
Jealous.
Rafael was jealous.
He was jealous of the domesticity, the sense of purpose and fierce protectiveness that came with raising a child.
He wanted a child to cling to him the way that Noah clung to Olivia, who looked at him with adoring eyes and knew, without an inkling of doubt, that he was their protector.
He wanted that.
He wanted that with Sonny. A family.
Rafael looked up and met his husband's gaze, curiosity burning bright in Sonny's blue irises as he furrowed his eyebrows quizzically.
Olivia had disappeared down the hall with Noah in tow, presumably in the direction of his bedroom, leaving Sonny and Rafael alone in the living room still crowded with half-opened birthday presents.
He immediately knew that he had zoned out going by the way Sonny said, "Hey, Rafi, are you ready to head home? Liv and Ed gotta get Noah to bed."
He wondered how long he had been sitting there, daydreaming of having a child with his husband.
Going by his facial expression, long enough for Sonny to get weirded out by his demeanor, apparently.
Sometimes Rafael swore that Sonny could read his mind; he had always taken pride in being rather selective when it came to what emotions he allowed to slip past his brash exterior, and when and where those emotions came through.
Sonny had always been able to see right through him, though.
Just like he was doing now.
Still looking adorably confused, Sonny took a seat next to him on the couch, pressing his side flush against him and winding a skinny arm around his shoulder to pull him closer.
"What's on your mind, Rafi?" he asked, quietly, and Rafael took a moment to drink in the sight of the man next to him before answering.
Sonny was so beautiful.
Pink lips, sparkling eyes that seemed to have been carved from the sky itself, rosy cheeks with their perpetual blush that Rafael wanted to press his lips to endlessly.
Sonny was beautiful outside and in, with his unnerving earnestness and his belief that others were inherently good, no matter how many times he was proven wrong by the job.
He would make a great dad.
The answer was so simple. He couldn't believe that he'd ever wanted anything else.
"I want that."
His words shattered the silence that had fallen between them.
Sonny still look puzzled, so Rafael decided to elaborate.
"I want that. That whole 'family thing'," he began, gesturing down the hallway in the general direction that Olivia and Noah had disappeared. "It's not fair that I don't have that."
He crossed his arms over his chest, content to let Sonny piece together what 'that' meant by himself.
Brows furrowed in concentration, he leaned forward. "Could you define 'that' for me, counselor?" Sonny asked cheekily.
"That. Family." Rafael still didn't care to elaborate for his husband; he wanted to see Sonny's eyes light up when he dissected the meaning of his euphemism on his own.
"Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Are you jealous?" Sonny's eyes were wide now, the gears turning in his head almost visible behind his pupils. "Are you jealous because…Liv has a kid? And we don't?"
Rafael almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous that notion sounded when spoken aloud. But well, Sonny was right.
"I wouldn't say jealous," was his muttered deflection instead.
"But Rafi, I just…I don't understand," Sonny's words were whispered now, and he was leaning back as if to get a full glimpse of Rafael, to make sure he wasn't ill, because Rafael surely wouldn't ever voice a thought like that otherwise.
Rafael turned away from Sonny's gaze with a sigh.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm like, crazy happy right now," Sonny added hurriedly. He grabbed Rafael's hand and squeezed. "I'm just kinda confused 'cause you never expressed much of an interest in having kids before now. Well, before like, five seconds ago."
Sonny angled Rafael's chin back towards him with a lightly placed index finger. Rafael allowed himself to melt into the touch momentarily, letting Sonny's gentle fingers ground him back to the threadbare couch beneath him.
He grabbed his husband's hand and interlocked their fingers, deciding to concentrate on Sonny's gold wedding band rather than on the man himself.
"Before this," he said, gesturing between them. "I never thought that this sort of thing was possible. I never thought I'd ever even get married."
A bitter laugh escaped from his throat; Sonny's wedding ring between his fingers was an anchor as he forged ahead.
"But then I see you play with Noah, and I realize how much I want that. I've always been afraid that I'd…that I'd end up like my father because of…". He took a shaky breath and Sonny's hand gripped tighter around his. "But I know now that even if I am the worst dad in the world and I end up screwing everything up, I'll at least have you there to pick up the pieces."
He dared to look up. Sonny was smiling softly at him, shaking his head as though he were a dense child who couldn't comprehend why eating glue was harmful to the human body.
"Rafi, you're gonna make the best dad."
Rafael's heart swelled at Sonny's use of the present tense.
"And you know why you're gonna make the best dad?" Sonny's smile was wide now, wider than Rafael had ever seen it, his dimples sunk deeply into his cheeks.
"'Cause you're gonna teach our kid Spanish and they're gonna be bilingual by the time they're like, four. And you're gonna dress him or her up in clothes from like, Paris or Milan, and they'll be the most fashionable kid on the playground at school. And you're gonna make sure that they always read, and that they love to learn just as much as you do. And you're gonna sing lullabies to them when they have nightmares and can't go back to sleep no matter how many times we check under the bed. And you're gonna love them. You're gonna love them so much."
Rafael didn't think anyone had ever loved someone more than he loved Sonny in that moment.
There was so much honesty in Sonny's eyes that it almost scared Rafael; Sonny had never doubted him, Sonny believed in him more than he believed in himself, and that realization felt like coming up for air after too long under water.
Sonny elbowed him with the arm that he wasn't still holding onto. "'sides, you'll have me around to be the fun dad. I'll be the one who lets them eat ice cream for dinner every once in a while, and stay up way past their bedtime watching horror movies. We'll balance each other out perfectly," he teased.
Rafael chuckled and let out a breath that it felt like he'd been holding for the past six hours.
"I love you so much," he said, eyes falling back to Sonny's ring, the constant reminder of what he had and everything that was to come. "You're too good to me."
He didn't even need to see Sonny's scowl to know that it was there; the sharp pinch he received on his palm in return was confirmation enough.
"I told you to quit saying shit like that, Rafi," Sonny grumbled. He ducked his head, kissed the hand that was still intertwined with his. "All of those arguments got negated a year ago when I married you, remember?"
Rafael felt Sonny's glare on him like a spotlight.
Of course he remembered.
The day he married Sonny was the best day of his life. The realization as he'd slipped the ring onto Sonny's finger, that Sonny was his forever, that Sonny would never make him feel anything less than loved, that Sonny would never make him feel that he was undeserving of love, that Sonny would never leave him, made him feel lighter than he remembered being in his entire life.
And now he was going to start a family with Sonny.
"What if we start looking into adoption agencies tomorrow?" he asked, the courage he needed to face the unavoidable fear head-on finally settling deep within him.
Sonny beamed. "I can't believe that we're gonna have a kid," he whispered in awe. He looked adorable and boyish as his eyes spread wide and he squeezed Rafael tighter into his chest.
He pulled back just far enough to look at Rafael, love and pure happiness seeming to radiate off of every plane of his face.
"We're gonna be the best dads that any kid has ever had, ever." Sonny leaned forward and met his lips, smiling into the kiss, smile shooting fire into Rafael's veins and running straight through to his heart all the way down to his toes.
Just as Sonny pulled away, Olivia walked warily back into the living room, eyebrows shooting up to her hairline when she saw the two still tangled together on her couch.
"Really? You guys still haven't left yet?" she whined, exasperation running rampant through her words. "I love you both dearly, but I'm exhausted and really just need a glass of wine. I've dealt with eighteen five-year-old's for the past six hours. Leave. Please."
She made her way around to the front of the couch, Sonny and Rafael's coats already in hand.
The two hurriedly unwound their limbs from around each other and grabbed their coats from Olivia's outstretched hands.
"Sorry about that, lieu," Sonny offered apologetically. He threw the jacket around his shoulders and onto an arm. "We got distracted, started talking about some things." His fingers made quick work of the buttons of his coat before he turned to glance at Rafael. Rafael gave a slight nod, silent prodding for Sonny to continue.
"And, well – me and Rafi are gonna adopt a baby! We're gonna have a family!" and God, Rafael loved Olivia Benson and her non-reaction to his nickname.
Instead, Olivia beamed, looking between the two. "Wow! Congratulations!" Her eyes were soft as she said, "I'm happy for you two." Rafael noticed though, that she was looking directly at him when she said the latter.
Olivia was a good friend.
Rafael turned his head to look at Sonny, blue eyes so very bright, excitement practically rolling off of him in waves as he started blathering on about names, and nursery colors, and would they get a boy or a girl, and was organic, farmer's market baby food really better than the supermarket stuff?
Rafael loved him so much.
And now they were going to start a family.
Together.
They were going to raise a child.
Together.
Rafael's life with Sonny was even better than he'd ever imagined it could be.