Everyone in the village agreed that Gaston should not be the one to bring up a baby. Where did he even get one? Did he steal the child? Should they be calling the authorities? Everyone agreed that the child needed a different parent, a more responsible one, more sensible one, smarter one, one with better morals, thinner neck, truly we can go on and on, they surely did.
Everyone except for LeFou. Oh, and Tom, Dick, Stanley and Walter, once LeFou told them what to believe. Oh, wait, we forgot about the child. Little Harry Potter, who had been dropped by his uncle on Gaston's doorstep, adored the big man who carried him around on his burly shoulder.
That night the townspeople gathered for a meeting in the bar. Their intention was clear, Gaston should not have the child, and the meeting was to decide who should. The town had enough girls who wanted to apply.
As so often happened with the meetings that were held in the bar it never even started. Gaston waltzed in, the one-year-old on his shoulder, LeFou by his side, and shouted, "Drinks are on me!"
They cheered.
He clarified. "All the drinks!"
They cheered louder.
He said, "The whole night!"
They cheered again, their voices raising the roof, and rushed the bar.
And once they were deep in their cups his side-kick LeFou led them into song.
No one's a better father than Gaston!
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on
Give five hurrahs
Give twelve hip-hips
Gaston is the best!
When they had all the townspeople singing along, LeFou sneaked Gaston and the toddler out, passing by his own house to pack a bag. He was moving in.
"I'm moving in," he told Gaston.
"Only for the night," Gaston said as they put little Harry to bed. "The lad will need a mother. Tomorrow I'll marry Belle."
"If you must." LeFou patted him on the back. "Let's baby proof the house."
Gaston never married Belle. The next morning he did his usual thing in gathering the townspeople in church before setting off to ask her for her hand. For once she hesitated, imagining the child on his shoulder would need a mother. Who would be better at it than she? She would read all the childcare manuals, unlike anyone else in the town… But in the end it all came down to the same thing, she simply couldn't marry Gaston who did not know how to read more than his own name.
Gaston continued trying—no one persevered like Gaston—but besides for the issue of literacy, there was also a slight problem in that Belle had her eye on adventure and soon found it in the cursed prince two forests over.
In a different life Gaston might have worked the townspeople up into a fight, for the prince was hideous, a veritable beast, and in the past LeFou, the madman, the fool, would have been right there by his side… if not for little Harry who had an early bedtime. And the child did like to get a good night's rest. No one sleeps like Harry!
LeFou moved into the second bedroom and rented his home out to Walter.
Together they brought up Harry Potter to be as strong as Gaston, bench pressing double his own weight by the age of three. To be as healthy as Gaston, by the age of four he would eat a dozen eggs each morning to get as large as his dad who were proud to manage much more each day. At breakfast Gaston would eat his eggs and sing,
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge
And it was true. He was roughly the size of a barge and Harry hoped to follow in his footsteps, aiming for a canoe.
There were less trips to the bar, and instead in the evenings Gaston and LeFou stayed in and sang Harry to sleep.
For there's no one as burly and brawny
As you see they've got biceps to spare
Not a bit of them are scraggly or scrawny
That's right!
And don't worry son you'll soon be covered with hair
No one hits like Gaston and his son
Matches wits like Gaston and his son
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston and his son
They're especially good at expectorating (Ptooey)
Ten points for Gaston and his son!
School started. Five-year-old Harry often led the playground brawls, and Gaston was proud to attend the resulting parent teacher meetings. Why would he be proud? I'd ask you kindly to remember that LeFou resided in the second bedroom and had a hand in the boy's upbringing as well. Carrots and cabbage balanced out the eggs, oranges when in season, and brawls were fine as long as you fought for puppies, the bullied, and the underprivileged.
No one fights like Gaston and his son
Douses lights like Gaston and his son
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston and his son!
Harry enjoyed school. With his help, Gaston learned to read more than his name, but too late, Belle had already moved on. And over the years they added to the song.
No one studies and reads like Harry,
Oh, how the children all wish they could be Harry,
The most loved son in all of the town!
It was not all books and studies. Harry grew up in the fresh air of the countryside, became a buff young lad with muscles to spare, and with his father Gaston and his father's five friends and his own best friend, Chip, they spent many a day in the woods, shooting and singing.
No one shoots like Gaston and his son
Makes those beauts like Gaston and his son
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston and his son
They use antlers in all of their decorating!
Who's a man among men
And a boy among boys
Who are the heroes next door
Who are super successes
Don't you know? Can't you guess?
Ask Chip and Gaston's five hangers-on
It's Gaston and his son!
And then the owl came while they were enjoying breakfast, bearing a letter for Harry Potter, Third bedroom, Frenchtoun, Sussex, opening up whole new possibilities.
They were not as surprised as you would think. They always knew the world was full of magic, after all, Harry's best friend, Chip had spent years as a teacup. But a magical school! And Harry was a Wizard! He bounced in his seat and looked to his dad who was re-reading the letter slowly, mouthing the words, a deep frown marring his brow, his mountain of eggs forgotten.
"I'm not going," said Harry. "If I go no one will be as lonely as Gaston." He looked to LeFou when he said it. "I'm not going until you fix that. It's been ten years!"
"Your father still pines after Belle."
"It's because you let him."
"I…"
Harry waited. And when LeFou did not continue, he started singing.
No one's slower than LeFou
Can't get his beau like LeFou
No one has more excuses than LeFou!
He ducked LeFou's playful smack, slipped out of his chair and danced away, singing,
I'm not going anywhere until you get your man, LeFou!
"What's this all about?" Gaston asked, watching the two of them with a confused frown.
Harry nearly sang no one was as dense as Gaston but that was not what their song was about. He was already feeling guilty for calling LeFou out. Instead he said, "Ask LeFou, Dad. I'm going to tell my friends!"
That night they partied in the bar, Harry sitting on his father's shoulder. Harry had said nothing more to LeFou or his dad about not going but he scowled at LeFou every chance that he got. His Dad bought rounds of drinks for everyone and sang,
No one makes better magic than Harry
As a wizard he'll be so intimidating
My what a lad, that Harry!
Give five hurrahs
Give twelve hip-hips
Harry is the best
And the rest is all drips
The next morning LeFou woke Harry early, rushed him into his best suit and boots, and dragged him to the church where the priest and the townspeople all waited. He made Harry stand next to the priest, pushed two rings in his hands, and… set off to ask Gaston for his hand in marriage.
Harry watched his future father run out of the church and yawned. Then sang softly to himself,
Give five hurrahs
Give twelve hip-hips
LeFou is the best
And the rest is all drips
The End
Thanks for reading!