While back in Frenchtoun, Sussex, LeFou was adding to the song,
(No one's slick as Gaston
No one's as big as Gaston
No one's as good in bed as Gaston
Who's a husband among husbands
Perfect, a pure paragon…),
Harry had a long discussion with a hat. And soon started his own version, as befitting family tradition.
"No thank you," he said to being housed in Slytherin. "I've got nothing against them, mind you. I'm simply not into shenanigans and have little desire to go far in life, what you see is what you get."
"Gryffindor then," the hat offered. "You seem to be a brave lad—"
Harry interrupted, having had enough. He'd listened to the houses on the train and had decided already. He adored studying, but a son of Gaston was nothing without friends, and you could study in any house. He'd told his preference to the hat now three times already.
"Who do you think you are? You're tangling with the wrong boy!" he said and started singing:
No one says no to Harry,
why it's more than I can bear!
I'm here to make friends and have fun, you hear?
There won't be a student in this castle as admired as me
I'll be everyone's favourite guy!
Everyone's—
"Fine!" the hat snapped. "Hufflepuff!"
"Thank you," Harry said because he was the son of LeFou also, and went to join the Hufflepuff table amidst their cheers. He paused to flex his biceps, glad he had the tailor remove the robe's sleeves, and basked in the admiring titters. He grinned and high-fived his friend Chip, who had received his letter the day after him, when he joined the table also. It was not at all surprising to anyone in town that a boy who had been a teacup was also a wizard.
Their first breakfast was an awed affair. Half the school watched in silence, forgetting their own toast, while the Hufflepuffs cheered him on. Harry had quickly realised the plates filled themselves, and happily set to eating his daily portion of eggs while Chip counted his progress and sang,
When he was a tot he ate one dozen eggs
Every morning to help him get large
And now that he's grown he eats three dozen eggs
He's aiming to be the size of a barge
After the second go around, the Hufflepuff first years joined in the chorus:
Everyone drools over Harry
No one's as cool as Harry
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Harry's
For there's no student in school half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
No one had detentions like Harry. His first one was due to a misunderstanding the very first afternoon when he and Chip set off to hunt the Giant Squid.
Percy Weasley had dragged them off to face the music in the form of Professor McGonagall, the Deputy Headmistress.
"I do not care what the two of you do at home, Mr Potter, Mr Potts," she said irritably, "but here we do not hunt. Ever."
The two boys shared a look that said they would be keeping what happened last night in the third-floor corridor a secret. And the hide they were tanning in an empty classroom might be best sent home. Pity. They had been looking forward to having a nice warm rug in their dormitory. Chip for one was quite done with cold castle floors.
Professor Mcgonagall picked up Harry's rifle and held it with distaste between thumb and forefinger. Harry was glad he had not loaded it yet, for that was foolish mishandling if ever he saw it, but he still admired her strong grip. Up until she said, "And I'll be sending this home."
Harry turned red from his thick neck up. "But-but…"
"Can we keep it if we promise to only shoot at targets?" Chip asked quickly, ever the diplomat, squeezing Harry's hand.
"No."
"Can we—"
"No," Professor McGonagall repeated shortly. The year had only started, it was too early to deal with this nonsense. She'd expected it from the new Weasley boy, not these two! The twins hadn't even been in trouble yet! "That will be detention for the both of you."
There were matchsticks turned into pins and Leviosa's and flying and irritating Slytherin boys called Malfoy who soon sported a bloody nose, and Harry's second detention came that very same week from Professor Snape, their potions professor. A detention and the loss of ten points.
While happily chopping slugs the two boys had tested out a new verse under their breaths, and this had apparently snapped Snape's last nerve.
He was already incensed at having been too late to stop Harry from swallowing a Jitterbug on a dare at the start of class. "Five points from Hufflepuff!" he had barked and cast a Finite on Harry to stop him from dancing on the desks.
"Five points from Hufflepuff!" he barked now again. "Stop that incessant noise! And if you continue to disrupt the class it will be detention!"
No one takes up a dare like Harry. He and Chip promptly burst into the family song. It was quickly picked up by the rest of the Hufflepuff classmates, who knew most of it already, and even two Ravenclaw girls joined. They had been warned Professor Snape was going to be their worst teacher but in their eyes Harry had already won, keeping his cool, having fun, and everyone was enjoying the sight of their professor turning a dark shade of purple when they sang the new verse:
No one chops slugs like Harry
Eats bugs like Harry
They taste like something from under his nails (Ptooey)
As you can see he doesn't ignore a dare!
Everyone got detention. No one minded. They were having a ball. That afternoon, as he and his housemates and the two Ravenclaw girls all scrubbed cauldrons, Harry thought to himself that it was going to be a good year. He was already making all the friends he wanted and it wasn't even a week. Around him, everyone was singing,
No one makes friends like Harry
Every kid wants to be Harry
Even when taking his lumps
He's everyone's favourite guy
And it's not very hard to see why
Everyone drools over Harry
No one's as cool as Harry
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Harry's
For there's no student in school half as buff
You can ask everyone in Hufflepuff
He's perfect, a pure paragon!
When he was a tot he ate one dozen eggs
Every morning to help him get large
And now that he's grown he eats three dozen eggs
He's aiming to be the size of a barge
No one flies like Harry
Takes to the skies like Harry
Chops slugs like Harry
Eats bugs like Harry
They taste like something from under his nails (Ptooey)
As you can see he doesn't ignore a dare!
He's got biceps to spare
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
And there's no one as burly and brawny!
Professors and students beware!
Give five hurrahs
Give twelve hip-hips
Harry is the best
And the rest is all drips!