It's All Greek to Me
"And that's the story of The Twelve Labors of Heracles," said Jonathan Crane, closing the book.
"Daddy, I don't understand," said Katrina Crane, his eldest daughter, shooting her hand up. "Why did Heracles have to do Twelve Labors in the first place?"
"Um…it doesn't say," said Crane, slowly. "So I suppose it doesn't really matter – just make up your own reason."
"Yeah, not every narrative needs a backstory, Katrina," retorted Arleen Joker, turning to Katrina. "When Daddy tells stories, he just starts with the action, not a lotta filler. That stuff is boring."
"This reminded me of Daddy's stories, actually," said her twin brother J.J. "Greek myths are kinda like superhero stories, huh?"
"In a way," said Crane, nodding. "People with superhuman abilities performing amazing feats has certainly been a trope of fiction ever since its inception."
"It wasn't as good as Daddy's stories," said Arleen. "None of those monsters Heracles faced was scarier than Batman. Fortunately, Daddy always arrives in the nick of time to save the day from that particular monster."
"Yes, he's…a real hero," said Crane. "Just like Heracles – I could also see him murdering his wife and kids at some point too," he muttered under his breath, as he stood up to put away the book.
"What's this about murdering?" asked the Joker, striding into the room at that moment covered in blood.
"Daddy, you're back!" exclaimed Arleen, as the twins raced over to him, hugging him tightly.
"Yes, and I'm in a much better mood than the last time you saw me!" exclaimed Joker, embracing them. "I know it was probably scary to see Daddy all furious and ranting – it's not my natural state. But I feel much better now after some homicide therapy!"
"Did you kill everyone involved in the corporation, just like you said?" asked J.J.
"Did I ever!" exclaimed Joker. "Your Mommy and me had a very productive day. And now DC comics is no more!"
"Was there a reason for this mass slaughter, or was it just a joke of some kind?" asked Crane.
"They know the reason," retorted Joker, as his expression darkened. "I'm not going to remind myself of it by mentioning it, or I'll just get homicidal again, and I don't think you want that. But I told you kiddies I wouldn't leave you with the Nerd King for long!" he exclaimed, brightening again. "Hope you weren't too bored!"
"Uncle Jonathan read us a Greek myth," said J.J. "Which is like a superhero story."
"But more literary and culturally relevant," added Crane. "So much of Greek mythology is present in Western art and literature and civilization that it makes perfect sense to me to give children a grounding in it. With some…slight censorship."
"Censorship?" repeated Joker. "I don't believe in censorship. This is America, dammit, the freest country in the world, and we don't believe in anyone telling us what we can or can't read. But on the flipside, if you're going to print things that are gonna piss a lotta people off, you have to take the consequences of your actions, hence the murder spree."
"Broadly I agree that censorship is undesirable, but there might be some special consideration needed for the children," said Crane, handing the book to him. "Look up Leda and the Swan, for instance."
Joker flipped to the indicated page, and his eyes widened. "…the hell?" he demanded. "And people call me sick!"
"What is it, Daddy?" asked Arleen.
"Nothing, princess," said Joker, slamming the book shut. "I just need a word with your uncle," he said, grabbing Crane and pulling him out the door. "What the hell do you mean reading my kiddos this filth, huh!?" he demanded. "Animal rape might be ok in your twisted mind – I know you so-called intellectuals are always eager to defend every perverted, disgusting thing out there, but some things are just plain wrong, as DC found out to their cost!"
"I didn't write these stories," retorted Crane. "But the fact remains that they've been important for thousands of years. Stories that old have a wisdom of their own, and we shouldn't judge them by today's standards. And I told you, I censored the one I read them. You can cut bits out so you can keep the bones of the story without giving the gory details, which is what I did."
"But the gory details are the best part!" exclaimed Joker. "And my kiddos love gore!"
"By gory details, I mean mostly incest and bestiality, which is what ninety percent of these stories are," retorted Crane. "I'm relatively fine with the gore – they read worse in fairy tales, after all."
"Yeah, God bless the hundreds of years of fictional violence teaching kiddies good moral lessons," sighed Joker. "I don't know where we'd be without it."
"Nevertheless, I think the children can do without hearing about Zeus in swan form raping Leda, don't you?" asked Crane. "And most of the myths have some form of unpleasantness - even the most benign of the stories has some background in incest or infidelity or something."
"Geez, what was wrong with those Greek freaks?" demanded Joker. "No wonder their civilization collapsed! And my kids will not be traumatized by hearing this crap anymore! Just take your dirty book back and never speak of it again!" he snapped, shoving it into Crane's hands.
"Daddy, could we come back over to Uncle Jonathan's and hear more Greek myths soon?" asked Arleen, as they re-entered the library.
"Your father has decided he'd rather you didn't," said Crane. "And I'm not going to go against his wishes."
"Please, Daddy," begged J.J. "It was a really good story. Not as good as yours, of course, but still good. There was this really strong guy, and he had to fight lots of monsters, and each one seemed like an impossible fight, but he won anyway. It reminded me of all the stories you tell about fighting Batman, where the odds are stacked against you, but you still always beat him."
"Really? That's what you tell your children?" asked Crane.
"Yes, because it's true!" snapped Joker. "I don't lie to my kiddies! I do fight impossible odds every night, but do you ever see me giving up? No, because I ain't a quitter!"
He paused, an idea entering his mind. "And I suppose…I could tell 'em the truth about those Greek myths."
"I thought we agreed that wasn't a good idea…" began Crane.
"By using my Joker ingenuity to rewrite the stories," finished Joker.
"You think you can improve upon the stories created by one of the greatest civilizations of the ancient world?" asked Crane.
"Sure, they ain't around anymore, and I am, so how great could they have been?" asked Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, I think those stories are a little dated. Maybe it's time they were updated with more familiar characters and situations."
"Yeah, put you and Mommy in the stories, like you always do, Daddy!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping her hands excitedly.
"And your friends!" exclaimed J.J. "And maybe even Batman as a really scary monster!"
"Can do, kiddos!" chuckled Joker, picking them up, one in each arm. "Now c'mon, let's go home. Your mom should have dinner ready by now, such as it is."
"Can we maybe pick up a pizza on the ride home just in case she does?" asked J.J.
"Yes, we certainly can," said Joker, nodding.
It was lucky they did, for Harley had burned the dinner beyond edibility. After dinner, the twins got into their pajamas and brushed their teeth, and then were tucked into bed.
"Now, there are so many myths to choose from that I don't even know where to start," said Joker, as he sat down by their bunk beds. "Any requests?"
"I want a romantic one, Daddy," sighed Arleen. "Tell us how you and Mommy met."
"No, that's yucky," said J.J., making a face. "Tell us one with a lotta action and fighting, Daddy."
"Well, why not both?" asked Joker, shrugging. "But we should probably start at the beginning. And in the beginning, there were the gods…"