Sawyer Raleigh presents: AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE CAST
BLACK MOKONA: Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is Black Mokona, your host for the evening as I take you priveledged and loyal readers through an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. We're here on the set of "Almost Perfect" and we're off to talk to all the characters about what it's like working with the author, each other, and Microsoft Word! We'll start with you since you seem to be really popular, especially with the author!
SUBARU: Hi everyone.
BM: So Subaru, everyone wants to know. Why are you so gay?
SUBARU: I'm not.
BM: What?
SUBARU: I'm not gay.
BM: What, not even a little bit?
SUBARU: Nope.
BM: But… what about all the gay sex you've been having?
SUBARU: The writer just keeps putting that in. I'm actually in a committed relationship with Hinoto.
BM: Hinoto?
SUBARU: Yeah, that's why you don't see me with her in many scenes in X. People say I'm very bad at hiding my feelings for her. That's why that one time I do talk to her, I still have that bandage on over my eye. It was to help hide the smoldering looks I apparently was still giving her.
BM: How long has THAT been going on?
SUBARU: We've been dating for about three years now. In fact, I was kinda getting ready to… you know… pop the…
BM: Cherry?
SUBARU: WHAT? NO! I mean I was about to pop the question!
BM: Oh.
SUBARU: We're waiting until marriage for that thank you very much!
BM: But what about Seishirou?
SUBARU: What about him?
BM: Won't it be a little weird for him, after all the years you two have been dating?
SUBARU: We've never dated. We've never even had the slightest interest in one another; we just work together. Actually we're second cousins on one side of the family-mmafjslkdgfnsdhg
BM: Ah Subaru, you should have known better than to deny being in love with Seishirou in front of fan girls. Don't bind and gag him too tightly ladies, he's very delicate you know. Oh Seishirou, there you are! Could I possibly drag you away from attacking Subaru with your shoe for just a moment?
SEISHIROU: What do you want Mokona?
BM: Readers want to know, did you really sleep with your mom?
SEISHIROU: Yes. And I slept with your mom too.
BM: But… I don't have a mother…
SEISHIROU: Anymore.
BM: I… You bastard! Cut the camera, I need to go cry for about an hour.
…...
BM: And we're back ladies and gentlemen! I apologize about that little break there but all is well now and Seishirou definitely is NOT in the trunk of my car bleeding to death from a head wound! Now then, Arashi.
ARASHI: …
BM: So we're all curious- are you really anorexic?
ARASHI: …
BM: Well?
ARASHI: …
BM: Oh come on, you've gotta give us more than that! Here what if we gave you this? Does that make it easier?
ARASHI: What the hell is this?
BM: A hand puppet! Like you had in Tsubasa!
ARASHI: Why is it so ugly?
BM: It looks just like you!
ARASHI: No it doesn't.
BM: Yes it does! You both look just like puu! Wait! Don't walk away! Come back! You forgot your hand puppet! Oh screw it. Hey Kakyou!
KAKYOU: Um. Hi.
BM: So we were all wondering. Where the heck were you when you met Hokuto?
KAKYOU: That's classified information.
BM: It is? Ohmygosh- are you in the CIA?
KAKYOU: …
BM: If you tell me will you have to kill me?
KAKYOU: …
BM: Do you have a gun? Can I see it?
KAKYOU: I guess just for a minute.
BM: Wooooow, you're really a secret agent then? Are you actually just an actor here then or are you actually here to investigate a mystery of some sort?
KAKYOU: That's classified information.
BM: Does it have to do with Seishirou? I bet it has to do with Seishirou.
KAKYOU: It has nothing to do with Seishirou.
BM: Must be Aoki then. He always seemed too normal. Serial killers always seem normal until they're caught. Hey Aoki! Are you a serial killer?
AOKI: Who told you that?
BM: Kakyou did! And look- he's got a gun! Alright ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time we took this outside as bullets are starting to ricochet off of the wall awfully close to me… Oh look! It's Hinoto!
HINOTO: Hi there Mokona!
BM: So Hinoto, how do you keep your hair from getting hopelessly tangled?
HINOTO: Well you see I… want to boil you in a stew and serve you to all my friends.
BM: You… what?
HINOTO: Oh I'm sorry, I think I drifted off there for a bit, what were we talking about again?
BM: Um… your hair…
HINOTO: Oh Right! I just… really want to strangle you with it.
BM: …
KANOE: Don't mind her. She just hasn't taken her medication today. Normally her boyfriend takes care of that for her but since SOMEONE dragged him away, he hasn't been able to.
BM: You mean she really has split personalities like that?
KANOE: Oh yeah. CLAMP never actually intended to have her go all evil in X but she kept losing it on the set so they decided to use it to their advantage.
HINOTO: Can I eat the burnt marshmallow now?
KANOE: No you can't sweetie, let's go find Subaru and I'll buy you some real marshmallows okay?
BM: Right, well you ladies have fun with that. So Kusanagi! What made you decide to join the X and Almost Perfect cast?
KUSANAGI: Well I actually wanted to be in 300 but they wouldn't let me.
BM: Because you were Japanese?
KUSANAGI: No, because they said I would make Gerard Butler look too wimpy.
BM: Oh. Well Maybe if you had been in a romantic musical before trying out for 300 they wouldn't think so?
YUZURIHA: Oh God. He can't sing worth crap.
BM: Really?
KUSANAGI: True story. I can't carry a tune in a bucket. I can whistle like a mo-fo though.
BM: Well then. While you're here, Yuzuriha-chan, I have to ask a rather personal question.
YUZURIHA: Shoot.
BM: Is it awkward having a boyfriend who's probably twice your age?
YUZURIHA: I wouldn't know.
BM: Eh? Are you two not dating either?
YUZURIHA: Oh no, we are. But I'm actually older than him. I'm really 37.
BM: … No you're not.
KUSANAGI: It's true, she's not.
BM: Thank you Kusa-
KUSANAGI: She's actually 41.
YUZURIHA: You make me sound so old! I'm going to come off as a total cougar!
KUSANAGI: Hey I like older women, they're sexy! Like you!
YUZURIHA: Oh honey…
BM: Um, okay. Well I'll leave you two to make out while I go find someone else… Aha! Nataku!
NATAKU: *($$&#(*)~
BM: Uh… wanna clean up your language first then run that by me again?
NATAKU: +_#^&^%!*(!~*& even get a !*&#O!(*&^!~+_ing frappucino with !*&!*(($#(*&^!~...
BM: Riiight. So Yuuto… how are you?
YUUTO: I'm good, how're you Mokona?
BM: Great, great. Could be a bit better if the interview were going a little better…
YUUTO: Aw, I'm sorry. Anything I can do to help out?
BM: Sure! Tell us something interesting about yourself?
YUUTO: Well I used to be in the circus.
BM: Seriously? Were you like a ringleader or something?
YUUTO: Nope.
BM: Acrobat?
YUUTO: Wrong again.
BM: Lion trainer:
YUUTO: Bzzt.
BM: Well what were you then?
YUUTO: I was a bearded lady.
BM: Oh you mean you dressed up as a woman and grew out a beard to fool people into thinking you were a chick with facial hair?
YUUTO: No, I mean I was actually a hermaphrodite.
BM: But you… what?
YUUTO: Still am actually. But that'll change soon; I'm supposed to go in for surgery in a couple of weeks.
BM: … Well I did ask for something interesting…
YUUTO: Oh I'm actually late for an appointment right now- talk to you later Mokona, hope the interview goes a little better!
BM: Byyyye.
KAREN: Have you by chance seen Aoki?
BM: I have, in the studio, but I wouldn't recommend going after him right now.
KAREN: Why not?
BM: Well for one thing he might be dead.
KAREN: WHAT?
BM: No- don't go in there! We want to hear about your job! Oh dang it. Hey Satsuki. Want to satisfy the male readers and tell us your cup size?
SATSUKI: No.
BM: Oh come on, don't be such a spoilsport.
SATSUKI: No.
BM: Fine then, be that way. Hey Kamui!
KAMUI: What?
BM: Are you… painting your nails?
KAMUI: It's clear polish!
HOKUTO: I'll help keep them healthier looking! Although I still think you should go with something more interesting like banana yellow!
KAMUI: For the last time Hokuto, I am NOT painting my nails yellow.
HOKUTO: You're right, it would look terrible with your complexion. How about purple?
KAMUI: NO!
HOKUTO: Red?
KAMUI: I just told you- no!
HOKUTO: Fine then. I'll just wait until you fall asleep and then paint them FOR you, how about that?
KAMUI: if you paint my nails red with nail polish in my sleep I'll paint my fingers red with your blood the next day.
BM: Ooookay, time to get away from this conversation before we get caught in the middle of another violent confrontation! Sorata! You up for an interview?
SORATA: But of course!
BM: So what's it like working with the author?
SORATA: Oh it's awful. She keeps a really irregular schedule and works at all hours of the day and night so we never know when she's gonna call on us and rather than doing things a little at a time, she always does them in huge chunks and wears us out so that we have to spend the next several days recuperating. On top of that, she still hasn't hooked me up with Arashi and don't even get me started on the puppet th-mmf
BM: You probably shouldn't have punched him quite so hard, Sawyer.
SAWYERRALEIGH: Shut up Mokona. What are you doing here?
BM: I'm having an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the characters of course!
SAWYER RALEIGH: Yes but why are you keeping me up on a school night to do it?
BM: Because that's when authors get most inspired isn't it? At inconvient times? So Sawyer, tell us, how will you respond to readers' objections that you claimed in your note in the last chapter that the next one would be longer and take a while to put up?
SAWYER RALEIGH: This doesn't count as a chapter! This is you just goofing off with the characters! The next REAL chapter WILL be longer and have some actual plot to it! Now get lost before I feed you to Hinoto!
BM: Alright, alright, I'm going… wait… Fuuma? Is that you?
FUUMA: Hey there bro, 'sup?
BM: Oh just doing an interview but… why are you here?
FUUMA: What d'ya mean why am I here? I'm an X character aren't I?
BM: Well yes but this set is for Almost Perfect and you haven't shown up anywhere in that yet… Wait does this mean you're GOING to? Are you here because the author was working on a future chapter?
FUUMA: Maaaaybe.
BM: Oh come on! You can't leave us hanging like that!
SAWYER RALEIGH: Mokona! I'm counting to three! One…
BM: Okay it seems that's all we have time for tonight guys! Hope you enjoyed it!
SAWYER RALEIGH: Two…
BM: And if you have any more questions you'd like to hear the characters answer, just message the author and maybe she'll be nice and include another interview somewhere!
SAWYER RALEIGH: THREE!
BM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YUUUUUKOOOOOOOO! HEEEEEEEEELP!